Hack-O-Lantern is the worst movie of all time

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1988 straight to video, if that tells you anything. Wouldnt have finished it if it weren't on Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-In. Even then it was something of a chore. Diana Prince, aka Darcy the Mail Girl, was really unimpressed. "You should have shown another movie." It's MST3K bad without the riffing to get you through it. Had to supply a lot of our own to not go mad. 

Gist of the movie is that this maniac of a grandfather/pumpkin patch proprietor is secretly this satanic cult leader whose group sacrifices folks on Halloween night. He also practices incest and fathers a child with his daughter. That child, this little blonde kid, is being groomed to take over the cult and grows up to be Mac's dad from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

Some shit to watch out for... Lots of nudity. All gratuitous. Some of the ladies are pretty attractive, too, surprisingly. Odd number of breasts, which is always fun. The blonde child from early in the movie looks exactly like the brother of Mac's dad and nothing like Mac's dad. It could be that guy's son. 

Gramps kills his granddaughter's BF after getting trapped in a recently dug grave. Instead of burying him in, you know, the deep ass grave, we later see that dude was buried next to the hole in a dirt mound, which was an interesting choice. Making Love in All the Wrong Places: Hack-O-Lantern features a cop having sex with a girl right on top of a freshly dug grave. Later, a girl bones a guy on the mound and mistakes a corpse's exposed hand for her lover's. Insanely, the girl then shows her friend exactly where she had sex at where they find the corpse, who is the other chick's BF. 

Some other dumb shit includes the four times I thought the movie was over but then it just kept going on. Lots of pump fakes. Hate a pump fake. Also, Gramps thinks he is making the sign of the devil and making the pentagram in the air like a Catholic would cross himself, but he is really making the sign for "I love you." WTF. 

Worst offender of all, maybe, is the name Hack-O-Lantern. Like, why? Has nothing to do with anything that happens in the movie. Waste of a perfectly good title. 

Only real positive I have is that the band is pretty solid. The director, one Jag Mundhra, came out of Bollywood which seems to pretty much always have more or less music videos in the movie (at least the few movies I've seen playing at Indian restaurants). I guess this came out of that style. Band was D.C. La Croix, metal but not metal AF. Total MVP of the movie. 

Child's Play 3 is the worst movie of all time

Don't fuck with the Chuck. So. Movie takes place in the future, I guess. Came out a year after Child's Play 2 but takes place eight years later. The Good Guy Corp is basically fucked when we start the movie. Too many people dying from this Chucky doll shit. But they are on their way back, baby. End up making the first doll on the new assembly line, which has Chucky DNA in the plastic. Immediately comes back to life and kills the CEO, who seems like a real prick. Then it's off to find Andy, again. Well alright. 

Find it funny that the company that makes these dolls is a wear a suit to work kind of place with a board full of hard-asses. I have a fancy corporate job at a no-nonsense company with hundreds of employees. I'm on economic development boards with executives. I'm a member of Rotary. Don't see this level of formality and seriousness like ever. Tight ship they run there at Good Guys, Inc. 

Anyway, life is still incredibly shitty for Andy, now high school age. He's at a military school and it looks like it really sucks. He gets bullied and Chucky is still trying to take his body and shit. But Chucky figures out some technicality and gets to go after someone else now to play "hide the soul" with. Yep. There is also a war games battle between the two groups at the school. It's supposed to be sort of like paintball except with real guns where the bullets shoot paint, but Chucky replaces them 

New kid playing Andy. One Justin Whalin. Played Scotty in the John Waters's movie Serial Mom which I haven't seen in over two decades. Only people you'll recognize are Andrew Robinson from Hellraiser, he is the "Jesus wept" daddy, and Frank the Tank's wife from Old School. 

Overall, this movie is pretty bad, but sort of fun. Really fucking weird. Definitely an outlier for the franchise. This is where Chucky just goes off the rails. Brad Dourif, the voice of Chucky, gets the MVP for the "Don't fuck with the Chuck" line. Hell of a line. That shit is killer. I think I mixed up some of the plot with of Major Payne. Not a good sign that I watched it just a few days ago and already forgot almost everything. Shan't be watching again. 

Sports Documentary: The Games of the V Olympiad Stockholm, 1912

Criterion Channel has all the official Olympic Game documentaries going back over 100 years. This is my new thing. I have seen exactly one of these prior. Leni Riefenstahl's Olympia. You know her. She did Triumph of the Will. Considered the great Nazi prapagandist. Technically that was the first official Olympic documentary. But giving this a viddy since it's available and seemed interesting. But it's kind of boring. Just watching people do the same thing, over and over, one after another, with a boring ass opening and closing ceremony.

Not exactly confident I could have won a gold medal if I were transported back in time to 1912, but compared to today's standards, these guys were like high school sectional athletes. The hurdlers were especially trash. Stuff happened like tripping and completely wiping out and still getting up to win the race to qualify for the finals. A guy sets the world record at 15.5 seconds for the 110m after knocking down like half the hurdles. I ran a 16 second in 10th grade and wasn't even the best on my team. I didn't even qualify for the finals in my sectional. The kid who won the sectional would have shattered this world record by over a full second. Men's gymnastics was a complete fucking joke as well. It has to be seen to be believed. It's more what I'd call a warmup than like a competition. 

Speaking of, there were a lot of sports that I know but had a hard time figuring out what the point of them were back then. Diving, for example, appears to be more like the long jump with a dive at the end. No flips or turns. Just swanning 30ft. That shit was done into a lake by the way. 

Picture is restored and looks amazing. I've read like 10 or so times why old timey, silent era film looks so good. Has to do with the size of the film. Can't really explain or understand it though. Just know it looks great. 

Some things of note. A dude dies from exhaustion during the marathon, which is fucked. Researching this race, found that another guy disappeared which is just insane. One Shizo Kanakuri, weak from the long journey from Japan, and having problems with the local food, lost consciousness midway through the race. He was found and cared for by a farming family. Being embarrassed from his "`failure" he silently returned to Japan without notifying race officials. Swedish authorities considered him missing for 50 years before discovering that he was living in Japan and had competed in subsequent Olympic marathons.

Also get to see Jim Thorpe after winning a pair of gold medals. He wins the pentathlon and the decathlon. Looked him up. That dude looks like a contemporary athlete. It's like a bunch of average dudes off the street and then this dude who looks like a damn super hero. Looks amazingly like John Cena. Dude is a stud. Wish there was more video of him in the film. 

One more guy of note that I'd never heard of that was super bad ass. One Duke Kahanamoku, born in 1890 under the Kingdom of Hawaii, just before the overthrow. A native Hawaii swimmer, he wins gold in the 100-meter freestyle. Won a total of five medals over three Olympics. The other two were in 1920 and 1924. Incredibly, was an alternate for the U.S. waterpolo team for the 1932 games. 

Dude's life was incredible. Was part of a landmark Supreme Court case resulting from an arrest he made where a civilian was tried for shoplifting in military court. It's complicated and he just made the arrest. Was an actor, the Sherriff of Honolulu, a Freemason, and a professional beach volleyball player. He basically single handedly popularized surfing in the early part of the century when he saved eight fishermen after a boat had capsized, killing most of the people onboard. He was able to drag the men to safety and get back to wreckage quickly with the use of his board. After that, lifeguards used surfboards as part of their standard rescue equipment. 

Legacy lives on too. Has statues all over the place in Hawaii, is in both the surfing and swimming hall of fames, had a comemorative stamp with his likeness on it issued in the 2000s, and was the subject of a Google Doodle a few years ago. You can read a little about him in the New York Times here. Dude is a total MVP. He knew how to party. 

Child's Play 2 is the greatest movie of all time

Sorry Jack, Chucky's back! No Christina Hicks. No Chris Sarandon. No Tom Hollad. Still have Brad Dourif and the kid that plays Andy though. Movie is still pretty fun, and way more bananas than the first one. 

Gist of the movie is that Andy is now in foster care. A bunch of cops saw Chucky come to life at the end of the first flick, but fuck that. Toss that bitch in the looney bin. I assume the Chris Sarandon detective character is also in the nuthouse. Anyway, Chucky gets brought back to life via a little blue lightning, the family Andy is with sort of sucks. The mom, played by Jenny Agutter who plays the female lead in An American Werewolf in London, starts out alright, but when the prick dad dies at the hands of Chucky, she blames Andy, who everyone treats as completely insane. Has a foster sister that is alright, played by Christine Elise from Beverly Hills, 90210, but she's just a high school kid. What the hell is she going to do against a possessed doll trying to steal a boy's soul? 

Only people I recognized were Grace Zabriskie who was Sarah Palmer from Twin Peaks, the health teacher from Donnie Darko (Beth Grant), and Greg Germann who was the Erik Menedez looking dude from Ally McBeal. All had pretty minor parts. 

Anywho, the movie isn't that great and then suddenly it's amazing. The end takes place in the Good Guy toy factory and it is incredible. Spoiler, the way they kill Chucky is first they put him through the toy assembly line where he gets all these limbs attached to him, then they torch his ass, then they stick an air hose in his mouth until he explodes. Whoever came up with that shit is the real MVP of this flick. That shit was dope AF. Posting it below. Greatest movie of all time just based on that shit. Actually, might as well just watch that scene which I'm posting below.

Nightmare Cinema is the greatest movie of all time

Your imagination isn't always your friend. Good old fashioned anthology horror. I thought all of the segments were really good and went out of their way to keep you guessing. Especially like the first one, directed by Alejandro Brugués, where everyone is on the run from a masked killer, except this one has a really great twist. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Admirably eclectic yet more consistent than most horror anthologies, Nightmare Cinema should entertain viewers in the mood for a good old-fashioned creepshow.

Gist is that five strangers show up individually to an old movie theater owned by The Projectionist, played by Mickey Rourke, good so far. Once they take their seat, viewer witnesses what seems to be their deaths on the silver screen. Every single one of the segments is super solid. Not a dud among them.

People you'll recognize include Rourke, Richard Chamberlain (sort of a that guy), Patrick Wilson from Watchmen and The Conjuring and Hard Candy, and Elizabeth Reaser from The Twilight Saga and The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. Directors include Brugués who did Juan of the Dead (totally gonna be watching that soon), Joe Dante (The Howling, Gremlins, The 'Burbs), Mick Garris who did the bananas movie Sleepwalkers, Ryūhei Kitamura (The Midnight Meat Train), and David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse). So Dante, some real up-and-comers and Garris. 

Rourke is pretty solid in this, as he is in everything. However, I'm giving Brugués the MVP. His segment is just too good. 

Child's Play is the greatest movie of all time

Andy remember, friends stick together till the end... This is the end, friend! Franchise that immediately gets into the cheese, Child's Play is camp all the way. There are some genuinely scary moments, like when the mom opens Chucky's battery compartment and there are no batteries in it. But how serious can you take a movie with a killer My Buddy? Pretty sure I'm taking that little fucking thing. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Child's Play occasionally stumbles across its tonal tightrope of comedy and horror, but its genuinely creepy monster and some deft direction by Tom Holland makes this chiller stand out on the shelf.

Gist is a kid gets a popular doll for his birthday from his mother which she bought from a homeless guy. Except it came with the option possessed soul of a serial killer, one Charles Lee Ray. Serial killer does what he does. Like that serial killer Charles Lee Ray is really into the dark arts and murder is just sort of his side hustle. I think he's more driven to murder to fulfill his magic and revenge than getting off on it like a real serial killer. 

Directed by one Tom Holland. He hasn't really done a lot of movies but did do this cult classic and one of my absolute faves in Fright Night. Both of these flicks are so fucking fun. 

Stars Brad Dourif as Chucky. Dude is a legitimate actor. Was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, stared in the John Huston adaptation of Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood (what's not to love there), Dune (1984), Blue Velvet, Exorcist III (one of the better threequels in horror), and the Lord of the Rings movies. I feel he is one of the best that guys out there. Alex Vincent plays the little kid Andy. Meh. Catherine Hicks plays the mom. She was apparently the mom on the show 7th Heaven. Never watched it though. And Chris Sarandon, who is the vampire whose sweater game is on point in Fright Night. 

Probably going to give the MVP to Sarandon. I like the way he plays the cop. Guy just doesn't have time for any of this bullshit and thinks everyon is crazy, even though he killed CLR and caught him trying to put his soul in a doll. See this exchange: 

Det. Mike Norris: Mrs. Barclay what are you doing back here?

Karen Barclay: Andy was telling the truth. Chucky is alive and he killed Eddie Caputo. 

Det. Mike Norris: What? 

Karen Barclay: I took him home to my apartment, I was about to throw away the box when we came in, the batteries fell out. Don't you see? He's been moving and talking for days without any batteries in him. 

Det. Mike Norris: What are you talkin' about? 

Karen Barclay: How I found out the doll was alive. See, I threatened to throw him in the fireplace. When all of a sudden, he came alive in my hand. I dropped him and then he ran out of the apartment.

Yeah, don't nobody got time for this bullshit, you crazy bitch. Turns out she was right though. She is a close second to MVP as well. She is as hysterical as you'd expect someone to be if this shit were really going down.  

Rocketman is the greatest movie of all time

For as long as I can remember, I've hated myself. Believed I'd never be loved. This movie makes Bohemian Rhapsody look like dogshit. Man, that movie didn't age well. This, on the other hand, is tits. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It's going to be a long, long time before a rock biopic manages to capture the highs and lows of an artist's life like Rocketman.

Gist is that we get a musically telling of Elton John's life, from childhood through sobriety. Hell of a picture. It's almost a rock opera but there is a decent amount of dialogue, so not technically. Times like a music video, times like a concert, times like a great drama. This has it all. 

Taron Egerton, from the Kingsman movies, is fucking Elton John. That shit is incredible. Does the singing and does a phenomenal job. It's pretty crazy. So the MVP of this movie. Really, an incredible performance.  Thinking of buying some of his stock, if you know what I mean. 

His buddy Bernie Taupin who wrote most of Elton's hits is played by Jamie Bell. A warm, heartfelt performance. Bryce Dallas Howard, Ron Howard's daughter from various M. Night Shyamalan movies is Elton's mom. Richard Madden from Game of Throne, he was Robb Stark, plays a major prick, one John Reid, who managed Elton and was his lover for a while. Was portrayed as abusive and just an all round shithead. He was also portrayed in the Bohemian Rhapsody biopic somewhat more favorably by Aidan Gillen (Littlefinger on Game of Thrones) which is a trip. Directed by one Dexter Fletcher, whom I only know from his role in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. He's the sidekick in that flick, Soap. 

Love a musical. Love this movie. See a lot of Elton John music in my near future, that's for sure. 

Kajillionaire is the greatest movie of all time

You want us to be false fakey people. We don’t make pancakes, or wrap up little birthday presents. Or call you “sweetheart”, or “baby”, or do a little dance. Man, this movie was great and heartbreaking. This beyond strange heist movie/family melodrama touches on the transactional nature of relationships. I definitely cried a little bit and haven't stopped thinking about it since I watched it two weeks ago. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Whether you see Kajillionaire as refreshingly unique or simply bizarre will depend on your cinematic adventurousness -- and fans of writer-director Miranda July wouldn't have it any other way.

Discovered Miranda July, the writer/director, whilst reading The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. There is a scene in there from the script for Me and You and Everyone We Know. Scene: Pair of brothers, six and 14 years old, have a joint online chat with a woman of a sexual nature. The woman starts getting into poop play, and the boys start escalating it, eventually creating this emoticon "))<>((" and talk about "pooping back and forth, forever," where he would poop in the woman's butt, and then the woman would poop in his butt, and back and forth they would go. Well this chick gets into it. I thought it was pretty funny in written form. So I sought the movie out. Did not like. Especially didn't like that scene. No fucking thanks. 

But figured I'd give this Kajillionaire movie a try after reading an interview with July in the New Yorker or somewhere pretentious like that. She seems cool, and the movie definitely intrigued me. 

Gist of Kajillionaire is that Old Dolio--that name, I know--played Evan Rachel Wood from Westworld, lives with her parents played by Debra Winger (Terms of Endearment, An Officer and a Gentleman) and Richard Jenkins (Six Feet Under, The Shape of Water) in an office building filled with junk next door to an industrial laundry mat or something. Part of their arrangement is they have to clear the suds that seep in from the ceiling every night. They be scammin'. Split everything three ways, which is important at the end. About to get evicted for being three months behind on rent, they've got to come up with something big to earn the $1500 in back rent. Old Dolio comes up with a plan to get the money by scamming an airline by claiming her bag was lost (also, they got the tickets through another scam). On the plane, her parents meet a young woman looking for a bit of excitement, this character played by Gina Rodriguez from Annihilation. She and the parents hit it off and invite her into their crew, using her to get another string of scams off the ground. Old Dolio and her's relationship slowly evolves as the one she has with her parents crumbles. 

Poor Old Dolio. Really feel for her. Gets no love from her parents and actively fuck her over. She is just looking for someone good to connect with that will open up their heart to her. Just wants to crawl up there and feel a little warmth, which she's never had. She is a pretty broken woman, but she is trying. 

Evan Rachel Wood is so good in this. She really hurts my heart. She is so awkward and so broken by her parents, and everyone really. Total MVP of the movie. July paints one hell of a picture though. Reminded me, in some ways, of Slums of Beverly Hills. Similar vibe, liked this better though, which says a lot. Everyone in the cast was great, a definite testament to July. Jenkins is always pretty much perfect and is again as this huge prick of a dad, Rodriguez shows a ton of range, and Winger is cold as ice. Worth checking out, for sure. 

Trick or Treat (1986) is the worst movie of all time

Demonic beasts. Whatever happened to the good old simple love song? "I love you." That's what good words use. Nowadays they have to write some sickness. It's just absoultely sick and bizarre... This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert.

Before I watched this, the idea I had in my head was that Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons had some evil rock off. That is not what this is about. The two of them, Ozzy and Simmons, have about two minutes of total screentime combined. Obvious that both filmed their parts in one take and were on set for 10 minutes. Ozzy plays a televangelist railing about the evils of rock. The above is a rant he goes on. His shit is broken up into two scenes but the second was an extension of the first rant and then he is murdered through the TV. Simmons seems like he is going to show up again at the end, he plays a radio DJ, when the main characters go to the radio station. Seeing how this shit is going though, you know he will have been killed off by the time they get there and he is, turned to dust. Couldn't get him a second time, obviously. But both these guys throw 100 miles an hour every second they are on screen. Simmons doesn't blink and is intense as shit. I assume he was coked out of his mind. Ozzy is funny for railing against how evil heavy metal is. But those two minutes do not save the movie. Overall, it was bad. Plus there is some ghost rape in here that was really disgusting. Worst movie of all time. An incredible amount of blue lightning though. 

Totally normal

Gist of the movie is that a bunch of raging meatheads bully the fuck out of this teenager, one Eddie Weinbauer played by Marc Price, who is devastated when his heavy metal idol, Sammi Curr played by Tony Fields, dies in a freak Satanic ritual. You know, like normal people. But Sammi comes back to life through the playing of the only copy of his last record, which Eddie has on loan. At first Sammi helps Eddie with his bullying problem, but then ends up just rampaging and killing whoever, eventually turning on Eddie and his new little girlfriend, played by Lisa Orgolini, who I've never seen. Actually, other than the two rockers, I've never seen anyone in this movie except for Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure who has a bit part. 

Though the movie was complete trash, it was fun in a very, very trashy way. Never going to watch it again, but I'm glad this is what I spent an October COVID Friday doing. Marc Price is definitely the MVP. He does pretty well with the in-over-his-head bullied teen bit. He never really becomes cool or anything, which is a relief, but does start dating a cute a little chick who just lie starts to appreciate his weirdness. Tony Fields, on the other hand, is playing some serious hero ball. Might be worth watching just for his crazy dancing. I'd say maybe just watch that part, which you can see here. This song I've not been able to get out of my head either, which is unfortunate. Quite the earworm. 

True Crime: Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich is the greatest movie of all time

Were you ever sent three 12-year-old girls to sexually abuse as a birthday gift? I’d like to answer that question. But today I’m gonna have to assert my Sixth Amendment rights, my Fifth Amendment rights. Is it true that you forced Virgina Roberts to have sex with numerous friends of yours? Are you kidding? I assert my Sixth Amendment rights, my Fifth Amendment rights. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It lacks new insight, but by focusing on the stories of survivors Filthy Rich sheds light on the lasting impact of Epstein's crimes.

This mother fucker. Really effective doc. Epstien had a sexual abuse pyramid scheme going, got caught, should have gone away forever, and was given a slap on the wrist by a fucking douchbag who eventually got promoted into Trump's cabinet. This Alex Acosta prick. Fucking incredible. I totally want to murder this dude and Epstein and a bunch of other people based on this shit. Probably most of all Alan Dershowitz. 

One of the women, this Virginia Roberts, now Giuffre, has repeatedly said that Dershowitz had sex with her when she was underage. His move is to say she won't go on record because she is afraid of committing lible but that is bullshit.

In this doc fucking prick makes the statement "I challenge Virginia Roberts to come on your show, look in the camera and say the following words: 'I accuse Alan Dershowitz of having had sex with me on six or seven occasions.' She has never been willing to accuse me in public, so please accuse me on this show. I challenge you." 

Immediately cut to her saying "I was with Alan Dershowitz multiple times. At least six that I can remember. I was trafficked to Alan Dershowitz from Epstein... He's denied being with me. Is one of us telling the truth? Yes. Is that person me? Yes." 

He said the same shit in this New Yorker article from last year, "Alan Dershowitz, Devil's Avocate." It's his game to make you think she is lying or whatever. Fuck him. This article also makes the case that Dershowitz wasn't that great of a lawyer either. He was mostly hyped by himself and powerful friends. No F. Lee Bailey, for example. Again, fuck him. Great read by the way, the New Yorker piece. 

Gist of the doc is that the survivors of Epstein's sexual abuse/statutory rape/straight up rape reveal how they were manipulated and abuse by the billionaire who kept buying his way out of trouble. All of them were emotionally scarred and suffered greatly. Their stories are powerful and moving and gut wrenching. A must watch, but be prepared to be outraged. 

Also, something that wasn't in the documentary, just an FYI... Q: "Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?" A: "Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today I'm going to have to assert my Fifth, Sixth, and 14th Amendment rights, sir." How's that for making your blood boil. And, to be fair, he hung out with Bill Clinton, too, who has lied about it. Though no one is claiming they were forced to bone ole' Slick Willy. 

After watching the American Murderer: The Family Next Door, Epstein didn't seem so bad for about a minute and a half, which is fucked. Then you see the devastation and hear what these women went through again and again. Fuck. Never the same. These dudes are the fucking worst.