Monday, March 27, 2017

The Watcher is the worst movie of all time

The Watcher features James Spader as an unemployed FBI agent who is taunted by a serial killer played by Keanu Reeves (love the guy but he was terrible). Also in the movie are Marisa Tomei, a very pretty lady, and Ernie Hudson both of whom are underutilized. Spader and Keanu share that ye olde they define-each-other-to-give-meaning-to-their-lives situation. Spader claims not to see it that way though.

I remember when this came out when I was in high school. I wanted to see it then for some reason. I finally got around to it after 17 years. Twas not worth the wait.


Pros: Unintentionally funny at times. Spader is alright.

Cons: Unoriginal. Plot was shite. One dimensional characters. Sort of boring. Too much Keanu vamping.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Longest fucking intro of all time. Like three minutes of credits and then five minutes of helecopters flying around and Keanu dancing (horribly) to Rob Zombie. Also way too much of this shitty looking blurry, strobe effect.

Spader's got some weird shit going on. Has some sort of freakout and needs morphine. This goes fucking no where. Early here we see him like totally lose his shit because his head pain. He flips out so fucking bad. At this point you think, "huh, so this is something he deals with that will factor into the plot in some way." That reasoned line of thought would be incorrect. He has a a much less painful migraine at the end of the movie which Keanu tools on him about that is completely unrelated to anything going on in the plot.

Is he a cop? Acts like it but the cops see him and don't treat him as such. FBI or something. Ah, he is retired (?) due to his dark past or something. He is getting mailed pictures of this girl that was murdered in his building. Calls the cop that was breaking his balls. This fucking guy. Answers the phone while on a high speed chase. When the guy in the car runs the cop puts JS on hold, chases the guy down, tackles him, then picks up the phone again and talks to JS while kicking this idiot on the ground. Scene is ridiculous.

A lot of product placement for Kodak. Watch a lot of this serial killer's unedited footage. So much product placement. Seattle's Best. Dodge.

Spader is such an idiot. Tells Tomei, his therapist, that he can't remember to go to the grocery store and when he does, then he forgets to bring them home. What the fuck? Later, he has to find this girl that Keanu sent him a photo of who he is going to kill that night. Tracks her down to this mall. Has this huge group of cops he is briefing about the search. Meanwhile she is standing right behind him in a glass elevator. For someone who is supposed to have a superpower esque sense of observation, he really fucked up on this one. She then goes home to her cat and is murdered. It was fucking stupid. Also, his place is such a shithole. You rarely see places this disorganized and messy in movies or on TV. Actually looks lived in mess. And then we see he has a twin bed. Like college dorm room style.

This movie feels so fucking long. Keanu stalks and kills (or attempts to kill) four women over the course of the movie. Each time they show up just after the kill and he outruns/evades helicopters, police cars, Spader, a like 300 beat cops. One such occasion ends after Keanu had basically already gotten away only to crash his car for no reason into an abandoned gas station. Gas sprays everywhere and when the cops show up, he set it on fire, burning the idiot cops who show up in their cruisers. In the movie's defense, it was quite the rampage. Overall though... The movie was not great. It dragged on and stakes always felt low. Plus it ended with really shitty circa 2000 CGI.  

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