Logan is the greatest movie of all time

So this is it. Jackman’s last go as the X-Men’s most iconic character. Grizzled as fuck, the film is dark, violent, and is sort of a bummer of a movie. Maybe a little violent for my tastes but all in all solid. The movie is also a meditation on death which even superheroes are not immune. This one takes a lot out of you.

Pros: The feels. Performances of Jackman/Stewart/Keen (the feral little girl). Storyline.

Cons: The brutality. Too long.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Professor X is extremely old and demented, this aspect is very interesting and totally heartbreaking, and time is finally catching up with Logan as well. Their relationship is one of a man in need of physical care and the reluctant caregiver. Also, one in need of emotional care and a not quite able caregiver. A lot of tear-jerking scenes there especially with this being the last X-Men movie, for Jackman at least. It’s hard to see the treasure that is Patrick Stewart like this.

Enter adorable half-Mexican, half-Wolverine child. She’s a badass with little kid front and back claws with the power of regeneration. Some dark, governmental, paramilitary outfit has suppressed the mutant gene in the public but is using the DNA to create future super soldiers. Only thing is, these kids are living things with feelings and desires and such. Now that they have found a way to breed that out and create a fully grown, ready to rock mutant, they are just going to slaughter the kids. Cull the herd. It’s fucked up. Knowing this, the nurses, at least one of them, help the little mutant kids escape whereupon they will meet up in South Dakota and cross into mutant friendly Canada, eh.

There are several twists throughout, one that was fucking shocking, which I shant give away. One thing I shall mention, however, is Eriq La Salle, Darryl Jenks (the antagonist) from Coming to America and Dr. Benton from ER, shows up. So does Stephen Merchant from The Ricky Gervais Show.

Blood Father was the greatest movie of all time

Blood Father is out there but enjoyable. Mel Gibson acts his ass off in this kickass flick. I watched Get the Gringo, another Gibson movie, a few years ago and really liked it. This one was even better. It is pretty unfortunate that Gibson is such a fucking mess. Dude is killer on the electric TV machine.

I guess Gibson is sort of back. Apparently Hollywood people (and people in general) are over the homophobia, racism, sexism, antisemitism, so forth. But Eastwood is still out. Fuck that guy. Talking to a fucking chair. What kind of shit is that.

This sort of made me realize I can forget a lot of shit about the actors on screen—I assume they are all fucking horrible—unless they are Scientologists. If they worship Xenu or Tom Cruise or whatever and are into their Thetan levels then they are fucking dead to me. I will not watch a movie with a Scientologist in it without mentioning it at least 20 fucking times. Other personal demons—maybe with the exception of supporting Trump—don't usually ruin movies for me.

Pros: Solid performances. Gibson looks fucking awesome and kills it. Taut for an action flick.

Cons: Not the most original thing I have ever seen. Gibson is a racist.

Best line: “I'm afraid of what you'll think about me.” “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.”

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Starts with a girl, who we see on a missing person flier, buying bullets for a gang. She is suspected of stealing from the gang. They go to this house where people were stealing money and kill the guy that lives there. Want her to kill the girl. Drugs and money. Instead she shoots the main gang guy, her boyfriend, and takes off.

Now we see a bearded Gibson. Dude is fucking fit. It is strange watching this with Logan out there because a bearded Gibson looks just like a bearded Jackman. It's fucking so weird. Also, it's sort of a similar movie as both involve the dude with a beard driving around some girl with Mexican paramilitary ties for the whole movie before finally shaving and then dying.

Who wore it better?

But yeah, he is a recovering addict who works in a tattoo parlor. He has also done time. His sponsor is William H. Macy. In his Lethal Weapon trailer, his daughter, the girl from the first scene who has been missing for five or so years calls, freaking out, wanting money to skip town. Been there, man. So far the hopes are high for this movie.

He convinces her to stay with him for one and to dry-out before skipping town. She's freaked out and still using though. The gang shows up. Have a shootout that ends with them tipping the mobile home and the trailer park community mobilizing a militia within minutes. They bounce, he is on parole, and she starts letting him in on what is going on but she is “afraid of what” he will think of her. “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.” So they are wanted by the police. They show up at a hotel they are staying at. Out of nowhere though this terminator, sicario dude shows up. He basically is the fucking terminator. The scene where he is shooting at them as they are fleeing the parking lot might as well have that burp song that played whenever you saw T2.

Make their way to some biker dude's compound. It's that guy that is in all of Tarantino and Kevin Smith's movies these days. The patriarch from Red State. He owes Gibson for taking a rap and doing time. That night he hosts a biker party. He corners the girl at said party. Gives her some biker wisdom. He makes some points but mostly just talks a lot of nonsense. Then he ends up selling them out for a $30K reward. Real piece of shit, this guy. Talks a bunch more shit and Gibson gets the upper hand. Apparently he was some real badass before he went to prison. The biker gang comes at him on the road, I guess since Red State was so loyal, and they have a shootout on the road which ends with a bike hitting a semi head on. It is gnarly and cool.

Getting towards the end here, things get tense and real as per use. It ends with some pretty sweet but low-key action that never goes over-the-top. If you like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, you will like this as it is more or less the same movie but with bikers and Zetas. Plus, Archie from Repo Man shows up a couple of times. Anyone from that movie making an appearance is always a positive.  

The Loved Ones (2009) is the most overrated movie of all time: Also, it is the worst movie of all time

How the fuck does this have a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes? Basically an hour and half of “torture porn” akin to Hostel. Do not watch if squeamish.

This is a fucking nightmare of a meeting the family situation. There is no build up like “Get Out,” for those that have seen it. Dude gets thrown right into the shit and stays there for most of the whole movie.

Pros: Beautifully shot. Sidekick’s subplot, that goes nowhere, is sort of funny at times. Ending is somewhat satisfying.

Cons: Fucking brutal. Even though it’s under that hour and a half sweet spot and moves along pretty well, it still felt like a bunch of stuck could have still been taken out… I like em short.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: Good opening scene. Main kid is being taught to drive by his dad when out of the blue some naked bloody guy shows up causing him to swerve and crash into a tree killing his dad. I like when movies just put you right out in there. Always a good sign that things are going to move along (which they sort of don’t).

Cut to like a year later on the day of some big dance. See main dude and his GF. They have this boring conversation and she leaves. Out of nowhere this girl shows up and asks him to the dance. He says no. Later we find out she means to her own private dance which is just torture.

Main dude’s GF has the biggest neck mole ever. It’s fucking insane. It looks like a trach. Before we get in the shit, she is driving him home. It comes out later that he either hates driving or hates being in the car. This information goes nowhere though and at the end he is driving around no big and runs down his torturer who gradually becomes the terminator.

Sexy!

Anyway, GF drops him off and tells him she loves him. He is basically like, “what?!?”

So dude goes cliff dangling with his dog and gets kidnapped by some weirdo. The kidnapper kills his dog. It’s fucking sad. I hate that shit. I’m basically anti this movie now.

We are now at the kidnapper’s house and the girl who asks main dude out at the beginning is there. Her room is decorated like a psychopath that is really into the color pink. The kidnapper, the girl’s dad who looks like Delmar from Oh Brother Where Art Thou, brings her this hot-pink dress. She changes into it in front of him and he basically drools while staring at her. It’s weird.

Main dude wakes up in a tux at the dinner table with Delmar, pretty in pink, and some older woman with a hole drilled in her forehead. She is just sort of there. The father/daughter duo melt main dude’s vocal cords by injecting them with Drano. The girl then force feeds him chicken and keeps asking him if it is “finger licking good.” Then she makes him lick chicken grease off her fingers after which she asks if he has to take a piss. He is like, “yeah, that’d be nice,” and she grabs her milk off the table and pounds it like a psycho and then makes him pee in the glass else her dad is going to nail his wang to the chair. So he pees and then she threatens to bite his dick off.  This dinner is insane.

Oh, and while all that is happening, at the real dance, the sidekick gets a handy in the middle of the dance floor. They are then kicked out and he and his date do it in the parking lot.

This is too much for him and he like breaks free for a few minutes. They catch him again and nail his feet to the floor with a steak knife. My female companion had to stop watching at this point. She likes crazy shit too but this was just too much.

He is basically just repeatedly tortured for the rest of the movie excluding brief reprieves where he is witness to a slightly more fucked up than typical father-daughter dance until the end when shit goes down. It’s fucked. I’m sorry I watched this movie.