The movie is the same fucking scene
over and over again. It is insane. They will go into a lair. They
will fish out a vampire. They will then harpooned said vampire and
drag it out into the sunlight where the body instantly explodes into
flames while James Woods screams “die fucker, die.” This happens,
I shit you not, three times throughout the movie.
Pros: Sort of in the so bad it's good
range. A few solid kills. Some interesting concepts (though poorly
executed).
Cons: Such shitty acting. Feels half
assed. Vampires look dumb. All over the place.
Worst Line of the Movie: “You didn't
tell me they could do that.” “I didn't know they could do that.”
There was also “Vaya con dios, slayer” and a priest
Disclaimer: My notes pretty much
always contain spoilers.
Notes: James Woods of Family Guy fame.
A nonpopular Baldwin and Sheryl Lee (Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks).
Woods seems like an asshole. Starts with a vampire hunting militia
going into a nest to kill them some bloodsuckers. I've seen this
before. These guys suck at it. This opening borders on slapstick
comedy. The only male vamp gets stabbed in the head with a steak and
when he pulls it out it looks so stupid and fake. Also features the
worst line of all time. The Baldwin picks up a vampire skull, in this
movie vamps turn into firework displays when sunlight hits them,
turns to the priest in their crew, and says, “Nothing like a little
head, eh padre?” What the fuck. That is what we are in for.
As the opening scene transitions, we
see hands shooting out of the dirt. Vampire? Zombie? In the day so...
That transitions into butt cheeks walking to the militia's block of
rooms at their shitty hotel. Lots of vamp hunter groupies. None of
them are attractive, except Lee who is all over Woods. Gross. The cop
who brought them to town to deal with the vamp situation is all like,
“when the fuck are you going to stop freeloading and leave.”
You're fucking welcome. But I guess they do smash stuff for fun.
El Scorpio from Predator 2 is in this
and jesus fuck is he a fuck up in this. In the opening scene he drops
stuff and flings open doors like an idiot. At the hotel, out of
nowhere, he picks up a lamp and throws it through the window just
because.
Super vamp shows up wearing black
velvet. Gives Lee a gross vampire orgasm by draining her on the
upper, upper thigh. She is basically the deranged Laura Palmer from
Fire Walk With Me for the rest of the movie. Then he goes to party
and fucking starts slaughtering everyone. The first kill is insane.
He spears Bobby Elvis from Sons of Anarchy with his hand and then
sort of reverse karate chops him, cutting the guy in half.
That is sick. The vampire's makeup, however, is fucking terrible. Just consists of white face-paint and fangs. Looks like a shitty halloween costume. He is like a super vampire, apparently. The first vampire. Created by the Catholic Church by accident. Through a reverse exorcism. Never heard that one before. Woods has an interesting origin story. Parents were killed by vamps and he was raised by the church to be a master vampire hunter. Pretty cool.
They escape. Drive until morning and
then get into a stupid car accident. It's like he just forgot to
drive. Now they do 10 minutes of slow-mo walking to the nearest gas
station. Fucking dumb. Baldwin is so fucking hostile. He is also no
Billy. Woods is dick, too. Starts attacking this priest out of
nowhere. Wants to know if he set his crew up. Later he asks him if
getting beat up gave him wood. Asks this like it is normal.
Meanwhile, Baldwin is watching Lee who
is naked for some reason. Gives her the talk. She goes into the
bathroom to change. Baldwin makes her leave the door open so she
won't escape. He falls asleep immediately and Lee tries to jump out
the window. He pulls her back in, breaking the window. She bites his
arm. He knows what fucking happens but lies about getting bit. Come
on. Woods's dad pulled the same shit, turned, and killed his mom and
tried to kill him.
Plot centers on the head vamp finding
this black cross that allows him and his crew to walk around during
the daytime. By the time this happens the wheels have come completely
off. The end is another one of those what-the-fuck-is-happening
moments. When the twist ending happens, the secrete bad guy that
shows up fucking says, “the look on your face tells me you couldn't
possibly understand why I am here.” Was he breaking the fourth
wall? The ceiling is the roof, as MJ would say. Garbage. I don't
fucking care. Wow. This was fucking terrible.
No comments:
Post a Comment