Friday, June 9, 2017

Friday The 13th is the worst movie of all time

Did not fucking like. Out of the big four horror franchises that began in the 10 years ranging from 1974-1984, this one is easily the weakest. While it does have some excellent kills, it is not a very interesting movie. My plan is to watch all of the movies in the franchise... So if this is how the series begins, I can't wait to see the rest of them!

Pretty sweet
Pros: A few of the kills are pretty good. Ditto on Tom Savini's make-up effects.

Cons: Extremely unoriginal. It adds nothing to the movies it rips off—The Town that Dreaded Sundown, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre—all of which I'd rather have watched. The pacing is shit. Long scenes where nothing happens that go nowhere.

Notes: The movie starts out in 1958. Counselors telling ghost stories about a kid that just fucking died. The follow that up with a little coitus. Get the “ch, ch, ch, ha, ha, ha.” And they are kilt.

This fucking idiot
Fast-forward to present day (so 1980). Chick shows up in a gas station/diner thing looking for Camp Crystal Lake. One of the locals, I guess, starts taking her part of the way there when some bumpkin named Ralph comes up saying “oh, you're going to 'camp blood,' the murder camp, not coming back from there. You're doomed. You're all fucking doomed.” Stop being such a drama queen. She hitchhikes, again. First ride is OK Second not so much. Jeep doesn't stop. She jumps out. Hurts her leg and gets chased down and murdered.

Meet the counselors. One is Kevin Bacon. They go for group lake swim. One asshole faked drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth. Snake gets into the cabin, they brutally kill it for being harmless. Motorcycle cop comes to check things out for no reason. Accuses them of smoking weed. Looking for wild man Ralph. Gets called away on the radio. Immediately Ralph shows up. “I am a messenger of God. You're damned if you stay here. This place is cursed. Cursed. It's got a death curse.” They are like, “yeah, that was probably Ralph.”

Now they start to get picked off one by one. Kevin Bacon's death is the coolest and probably jumpstarted his career. He gets arrowed from underneath the bed in the throat. This makes up for nothing.

One of the glaring faults of the movie is the lack of editing that happens. We see one girl getting ready for bed in real time. Just when she is about to nod off she hears what sounds like a child calling for help and she goes out in the pouring rain, in a night gown, mind you. I mean, she just had a slicker on like one minute before. If there were an award for most inappropriate attire imaginable, this chick wins it. But that is not a thing and she ends up getting killed at the archery range instead.

Once they get down to two is when things really start to drag. So much just like waiting around. There is still 35 minutes left and it all happens in real time. Building suspense, I guess, but feels like just watching people go about their evenings since they never really feel like anything is going down. Here they haven't noticed anyone was missing. They finally realize something is up when they find a bloody ax in someone's bed.

They separate somehow. At some point she is finally like, “huh, haven't seen that other guy for a while,” and goes out looking for him. Eventually finds him when she opens a door and he is hanging from it via an arrow in his eye. Freaks out and runs back to her cabin. Barricades it. Body comes through the window. The killer is just on the outside of the cabin. She sees a jeep show up which the killer is totally driving (she must be able to teleport). She lifted it off the new camp owner or whatever. Seeing the familiar jeep, the survivor girl unbarricades the door, runs out, and runs right to Mrs. Vorhees. She is like, “who are you? Thank god! Halp!”

Put it out of its misery
She goes into the cabin with her to check things out. The craziness escalates and it becomes obvious that Mrs. Vorhees is unhinged. Survivor girl goes on the offensive, a bold move, and beats Ms. Vorhees down. She then runs off but keeps running into bodies and freaking out. Meanwhile Ms. Vorhees is completely losing her shit. Talking to herself in Jason's voice, “don't let her live mommy” and so forth. They fight again. Survivor girl cunt punches her. For the next like 10 minutes we get the survivor girl beating down Mrs. Vorhees repeatedly only to have her come back yet again. Survivor girl finally has to chop her head off with a machete to end it once and for all in an infamous scene where we see some stand-in's hairy, meaty hands doubling for Mrs. Vorhees's. Movie is over now except for the final scare when Jason pulls the survivor girl down out of the canoe she is floating around on. You probably know this scene because it happens in every fucking one of these movies thereafter. At that point it might have been a dream or something but the 10 or so sequels that follow suggest that no, he was really there and really pulled her down. He is still a little kid here, though. By the next movie he is like 6'3”. From there he just keeps growing until he is like professional wrestling huge. 

Get used to seeing a lot of this action

Jesus, this movie was indeed shite. There was, however, the consolation prize of this gem of a MonsterVision episode. This was the first part in a 1998 Halloween night marathon, a great night of high school shenanigans which ended with TNT. During the course of the night Joe Bob Briggs is stalked by a would be killer that he discovers to be Ted Turner in the end. I can see why the show didn't last much longer. But man was it worth it. Part 1 of the show below. I post the rest as I watch the films. 

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