Freddy vs. Jason is the greatest movie of all time

It has taken me a year to get here but I'm finally there. All of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies. The end of two franchises. That is 19 total films. Most of them considered terrible. Personally, I was kinda surprised at how watchable they were. The Jason movies especially which I remembered as just being complete trash. They were, I guess, from a critical standpoint. But what can you say? They gave the people what they want. Gnarly kills, hot chick gratuitous nudity, and just enough plot to keep it interesting. Plus we get to hear Robert Englund say "bitch" a million times. After all that, finally getting around to Freddy vs. Jason. The two heavy weights of horror going at. Greatest movie of all time right there.

For people my age or a little older, late 30s/40s, this was over a decade coming and a super big deal. I remember before this came out I was at a party with some kid who was in a focus group for the flick. This was early summer 2003. He regaled like 30 people at this soiree with the entire plot of the movie and everyone was enthralled. It was one of the strangest communal experiences I've ever had; but this sort of shows you how guys and girls, at least the breed I hung out with, were losing their minds with anticipation for this movie... And then it came out and most people were disappointed. Other than some nitpicks, those people are wrong (though I doubt I'll ever watch it again, twice was definitely enough). This is definitely the best way these two franchises could have ended. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Fans of the two horror franchises will enjoy this showdown. But for everyone else, it's the same old slice and dice.

Pros: Way over-the-top. Satisfying ending for both franchises. Definitely a pleaser for hardcore fans. 

Cons: The homophobia doesn't age well. Most the teens are annoying. The plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense. 

Lot of that

Gist here is Freddy Krueger (played by Robert Englund, per use) and Jason Voorhees get it on and kill teens between their battle scenes. That's it, pretty much. Ignoring Jason X and New Nightmare, both characters start out in hell following the events of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and Jason Goes to Hell. There is a surprising amount of Jason and Freddy flying around in the flick. The movie was directed by Ronny Yu whose previous work included Bride of Chucky and a bunch of shit I've never seen. The teens include Monica Keena, Chris Marquette, Jason Ritter, and Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child. All of these "kids" are people you sort of recognize but have no idea where from. Lot of frosted tips among them. Playing Jason in this one is Ken Kirzinger which pissed the hell out of Kane Hodder, who played Jason in the previous four films and pushed hard to make this film happen. Kirzinger is fucking enormous and apparently why they went with him over Hodder who New Line, the studio, dissed for being too short. Shit is cold blooded. But Kirzinger actually appeared in Friday 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan as a cook that gets tooled on and a as double for Jason in various scenes. 

Lets get into it. So both characters, who are in hell, get their own little intros. For Freddy, we get the standard toying with and murdering a child (thankfully off screen). While this is happening an angry mob is forming outside of his house while he gloats and looks at newspaper articles he has in his boiler room about going free on a technicality. Unacceptable to the mob, they break in and torch him. So yeah, it starts like basically every other movie in the franchise. As for Jason, we first see a chick at Crystal Lake get naked, go for a swim, see Jason, run, and die. Freddy shows up as Jason's mother around here, telling him to go kill on Elm Street which like breaks him out of hell, I guess. We later find that Freddy has to build his strength up to kill in the dream world by having Jason kill in the real world or something. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense so it is best not to dwell on how we get anywhere in this movie. 

Some shit of note here. Parents on Elm Street just fucking love drugging their kids to get them to sleep. Every one of these Freddy movies has a kid that won't sleep because you know Freddy is kill his/her friends and that kid's parents slip sleeping pills in their soup or whatever. In every damn movie! This is no exception as the survivor girl's dad does this to her, nearly getting her killed even though this guy has clearly had run ins with the dream killer. 

The nadir of the flick comes near the end when Destiny's Child tries to piss Freddy off and have him come at her, leading him away from the survivor chick. She does this by first questioning his manhood/penis size and then calling him a "faggot". This is 2003. They should have fucking known better. This was truly appalling when I saw this in the theater and people gasped at how inappropriate it was even 15 years ago and it has only aged worse since then.

I'd rather die than hate...

Anywho, favorite scene is definitely where Freddy and Jason attend a rave which ends in carnage. The teens attend said rave after several of their buds were killed like the day before. No time to mourn; party on, I guess. One of the chicks, who's asshole boyfriend was the first one to die, shows up and gets wasted. She gets fucked up and passes out which brings Freddy around. While this stuff is going down, some other asshole shows up and sexually assaults her. Right before Freddy kills her in the dream world though, Jason shows up and murders her and her #MeToo. From there Jason goes to said kegger where like hundreds of 30 year old high school students have gathered. When Jason goes to get a beer or something, some idiot stops him and is like "this ain't a Halloween party! Why don't you find yourself a pig to fuck," and Jason twists his head around. The dude's buddy then sets Jason on fire which just pisses him off. Now you have a flaming, irate Jason just murdering the shit out of everyone. Even Freddy is like we have to get this guy under control. It's great.

Jason Voorhees. Not a guy that pays for keg beer

This is indeed something that happens

That eventually leads to this Jason Mewes type stoner character to getting possessed by Freddy as his plan is to find a way to knock Jason out in the real world since the dude doesn't really sleep and then finish him off in the dream world. The way he goes about this is when the stoner passes out after a little horribly timed "joint break" during a hospital breakout, don't ask, and shows up as a ridiculous looking CGI, Alice in Wonderland style caterpillar. Stoned, Freddy climbs down the guys throat and controls him in the real world. When his friends are like, lets get out of here, he drops a very Freddy line with "let me handle this, bitch!" Oh that Freddy Kruger and the word "bitch". He fucking loves it. Anyway, he ends up tranquing Jason and then coming at him where he has the advantage which doesn't work. Long story short, the survivor girl eventually goes to the dream world and pulls Freddy into the real world where the two killers have their final showdown. Did I mention this movie was confusing?

There is no inappropriate time to spark a doob

Seems like a good time to bring up the best line and summary of the movie. It comes when they are going over some insane strategy to killer off the two immortal murderers and someone ask how any of this makes sense. The Jason Mewes dude then, in very Jason Mewes fashion, screams, "you don't get it, do you, nothing makes sense!" Watch the movie and you'll see. 

As far as who comes out on top, Jason definitely wins the movie. The final fight, which is insane, sort of ends with Jason ripping off Freddy's arm for like the fifth time in the movie. From there there is a massive explosion set up by the kids and we get more Freddy and Jason flying through the air. This time like 100 feet into the lake. You think it's over if you've never seen a horror movie when Freddy busts out of the lake and comes at the surviving teens with Jason's machete in his remaining arm. But wait, Jason comes out of the water with Freddy's severed arm and stabs him with it, which is a nice touch. The survivor girl then finishes him off with a "welcome to my world, bitch," and chops his head off with the machete. In the final scene we see Jason crawling out of the water with Freddy's severed head in his hand. Freddy gives a suggestive wink but he is obviously in a pretty bad way. So Jason is free to skull fuck him or whatever before whatever goes down in Jason X. And that is the end of both fucking franchises. Thank fuck both of them and thank fuck that it's over. Jesus shit Christ.

The last we see of olde Robert England as Freddy

Jason X is the greatest movie of all time

Jason X. Here we are. Ten Friday the 13th movies in and now we are in space. Not coincidentally, this is the first Candadian Jason. You may know how I feel about Canadian horror films. As you might have guessed, this movie is over-the-top and insane. More comedy than horror, it is actually a lot of fun if you go in not taking it seriously. With the premise, how could you? This film came about with Freddy v. Jason on the horizon. Not wanting to mess with the continuity of that, they set the events of the film after that movie. Might as well go way past that, I guess is the thinking. This movie knows what it is and commits to it. What it is is a solid parody/homage to the Jason brand and horror/sci-fi in general. It's Jason in outer space. It's not scary, it's ridiculous. It's like they replaced the xenomorph with Jason in Alien which is a hell of a setup. For these reasons Jason X is the greatest film of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Jason goes to the future, but the story is still stuck in the past.

Fuck yeah

Pros: Total over-the-top slapstick esque comedy more than horror, which was where these movies. Surprisingly decent kills (especially the one where he smashes the chick's face) with a high body count. Two pretty hologram ladies try to party with Jason and are hilarious. A strange David Cronenberg cameo. Extra cheese, this flick.

Cons: Seems super low budget (it was not and was actually the first movie shot all on digital). The acting isn't really the best (but what do you expect?). Not a very imaginative movie.

Gist of the movie basically the same as the nine others that came before it, just in space. It even features Kane Hodder as Jason, for the last time actually, making this the fourth time he played the character. The other movies where he played the slasher were Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, and Jason Goes to Hell.

Uber lame

Here, a group of space people from about now visiting Earth (which is no longer inhabitable) pick up Jason's body from Camp Crystal Lake. He kills everyone on the ship, including Canadian director Cronenberg who did Scanners (1981), Videodrome, The Dead Zone (1983), and The Fly (1986) among others, except for survivor girl Rowan (Lexa Doig) who subdues the killer by cryogenically freezing him and herself. Rowan was only one among them that didn't want to study him to make super soldiers or whatever. The pair remain in stasis for the next 400 years until a new group of space people and their android (Lisa Ryder) with no nips find the ship, wake up Jason, and become murder-fu as the killer gets a much needed upgrade via the ships nanobots. The crew must now figure out a way to survive with Uber Jason on their hands. Uber Jason is just an "improved" more futuristic (i.e. ridiculous) looking Jason. All metal and shit. I mentioned Doig and Ryder up there because they both ended up in this show Andromeda together except with their roles reversed, more or less, with Doig playing the cyborg and Ryder playing the tough as nails leader chick, which is a weird coincidence.

The first thing you'll notice about this motley crew are the poor man's Seth Green, the 10/10 annoying stoner dude, and the poor man's Taye Diggs. The stoner dude gets his arm shopped off by Jason's machete just being a dip shit before the killer even wakes up. But no big, nanobots put him back together again. The group decides to bring the chick and Jason back with them and see what they are all about leaving one doctor alone with the killer while the rest of them check out the "hot" chick. Eventually, during his autopsy, Jason thaws out and immediately starts murdering when he takes the doctor's head in liquid nitrogen before smashing it into tiny pieces Demolition Man style. It's a dope kill but Mythbusters specifically disproved frozen head smash kill. Basically liquid nitrogen evaporates too quickly to freeze shit like that. Don't get me wrong, it will fuck you up if you aren't careful, but you aren't going to instantly freeze you whole head to the core. There are all kinds of idiots on YouTube putting their hands in it and splashing their faces and so forth. Like this guy:

Groovy chicks that just want to party... in space

Another solid kill comes when Jason slams a guy onto a giant drill bit. The guy slowly slides down the shaft, spinning on the grooves. The USA Today review also mentioned this kill as somewhat noteworthy, saying "Jason gets a futuristic makeover and annihilates someone using a giant screwing tool. After sitting through Jason's latest exploits, the audience may find itself identifying with that victim in particular." One of my personal faves though was the Taye Diggs looking dude. He gets stabbed by Jason once and says "It's gonna take more than that to kill me." Then he gets stabbed again and says, "Yeah, that should do it." Yeah, that type of flick.

By far the best scene in the film though comes when Jason is walking around on the holodeck, stalking the astronauts. To buy some time they pop that bitch on, setting to Camp Crystal Lake in 1980. These two hologram chicks show up and try to show Jason a good time, telling him they love "drinking beer, smoking pot, and having premarital sex." My kind of chicks but not this guy's as Jason beats one to death with the other.

So yeah, that is Jason X in a nutshell there. Jason gets shot out into space multiple times before his mask falls back to Earth and lands at Crystal Lake setting up a possible sequel that never came. And I've made it to Freddy v. Jason, finally. Excited about that shit.

Jason Goes to Hell is the greatest movie of all time

So... Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. This would be the ninth Friday the 13th movie but Paramount still owned the rights to the title "Friday the 13th". Time to wrap it up again but not really I guess was the thinking here. Which is weird because New Line Cinema, fucking Bob Shaye's production company AKA the Nightmare on Elm Street folks, bought the story line. One would think they would go right into a Jason vs Freddy situation but that wouldn't happen for a decade. Everyone was trying to get their shit together for this movie for years, since at least Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, and this was their fucking chance. Sean S. Cunningham, director/producer of the original Friday the 13th, saw the potential here and wanted that movie fucking made. He specifically did not want another generic Jason movie, which is what fucking happened. This was the result of who else but Bob Shaye who ruined many a New Line feature. Instead of the FvJ that everyone wanted, Shaye recruited Wes Craven to sort of reboot the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise to do with it whatever he wanted. The result was one amazing movie, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, and this one instead of the FvJ which we got in 2003 anyway. Despite Shaye's efforts, it all worked out in the end, that is assuming you agree that Jason Goes to Hell is the greatest movie of all time, which it is.

Also, there was apparently a lot of confusion and anger regarding the title. People, especially critics, thought that Jason was literally going to Hell and that the movie would be set there. When it wasn't people got pissed. Weird that people took the title so literally when in just the movie before, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, the dude doesn't go to Manhattan until the last 1/3 of the movie. But as they say...

Pros: The concept is pretty cool. Definitely the most unique film of the franchise. Would have worked as a non-Jason movie making me think New Line sort of sandwiched Voorhees into an already written script (a la Die Hard with a Vengeance) which works out in the end. At times unintentionally hilarious making for some pretty entertaining moments.

Cons: Confusing as fuck. All over the fucking place. Jason is barely in the movie (the killers are just random, unremarkable nobodies). More or less no gore or nudity.

Fuck yeah

The opening of this movie is insane. We get a chick staying in your typical murder cabin on Crystal Lake. We slowly see her do stuff when Jason shows up. This is the early 1990s so basically instant nudity. Eventually she Carl Lewises it across the camp area like that literal whore from that Nike commercial (see below) from back in the day. That commercial is almost certainly taking its inspiration from this scene (which is insane). But in this version, Jason catches her and just when he is about to make the kill, SWAT shows up and guns him down. They shoot him like 100 times and then blow him up for good measure. It is a pretty bitching explosion. While all that is going on, this black cowboy guy (apparently the actor demanded he get to dress up as a cowboy) just chills in the shadows like a spectator or some such shit. He is a Jason expert of some kind named Mr. Duke. How did he know that SWAT was going to gun Jason down there? If he knew where Jason was and was presumably wandering about, then why didn't he get macheted down? These are questions that don't get answered. Anyway, we find out this guy is like a world famous bounty hunter and he thinks Jason is pussy which is fucking mind blowing. At one point he is asked by a reporter about Jason and he says that the not exactly media savvy supernatural killing machine makes him "think of a girl in a pink dress." Is he trying to get in Jason's head or something? It's not like Jason is reading the paper or something.

Me after using too much Dave's Insanity Sauce

So they take Jason's body, in pieces, to... Youngstown, Ohio? Uh, ok. Everyone should be freaking out but isn't. This is a medical marvel who has extreme supernatural powers but they leave the autopsy to one dude (Richard Gant who was the black cop during the "business papers" scene in The Big Lebowski) who doesn't know not to eat Jason's beating heart. Ridiculous. This exact thing, minus the heart eating, has happened before in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. The unfortunate act there leads to the dude being possessed by Jason. He like wears meat suites which sort of could explain how he keeps getting exploded and all that shit and keep coming back, which is sort of cool. We also get a cameo of Kane Hodder, the dude who played Jason in most of these flicks. He is one of the cops standing guard that gets killed.

Hater of the year, this guy

We meet more of the characters, most of whom show up in this Jason themed diner. As previously mentioned we have Mr. Duke (played by Steven Williams who was Leroy Hanlon in It, Rufus Turner in Supernatural, and Mr. X in The X-Files), the young hero/scapegoat dude played by John D. LeMay from the Friday the 13th: The Series program which had nothing to do with the movies, and Leslie Jordan who is the little guy in like half the seasons of American Horror Story. Never seen any of these other people before in my life but all the chicks wear flannels and those high hipped thongs that you only saw in the 1990s. In there we get a group of hitchhiking idiots who go to Camp Crystal Lake to bone and such. LeMay, still living his glory days wearing his high school letter jacket and all, picks them up, turns down sex, and takes them to the camp. They get got by Gant's Jason. He starts jumping bodies at this point and ends up jumping a shit load of times throughout the flick. Sometimes he is able to talk and act like a normal human and stuff too. It is weird. Just roll with it.

LeMay, for his part, has a baby momma who is I guess Jason's niece or cousin or something. Her, her mother (who works at the Jason diner, which is fucking insanity), and her baby are like super hosts or something. Anyway, the mom, Jason's sister I think, ends up dead (killed by Jason who is wearing a cop meat suite) and LeMay gets blamed for it but he saw and knows it was Jason. His baby momma and daughter shows up to the house and sees all this carnage. LeMay runs them out while the cop is coming at them obviously trying to murder them. After they escape the baby momma, her husband is this cheating dickbag by the way who is obsessed with airing/creating Jason news for ratings and such, fucking ditches him. He eventually gets caught and no one fucking believes him, of course, and he goes to jail and meets Mr. Duke who is still chilling there after telling the sheriff to go fuck himself in the diner. LeMay wants out and such to save his baby and baby momma, Mr. Duke reveals that only a relation can kill Jason and a special knife has to be used. He tells him all this "for a price" which is a broken finger. He appears to be a sadist until it is shown that dude planned this to help him escape by having this injury or whatever. It is stupid but works. And the movie becomes Terminator 2: Judgement Day as Jason shows up at the police station to find and kill this film's Sarah and John Conner. This is a good place to reiterate that this movie is all over the fucking place.

Wrong movie yo

Any who, he eventually does make his escape and makes his way to the Voorhees's family cabin that is still chilling there near the camp and has all the family's shit still in it including the fucking Necronomicon from The Evil Dead and this supernatural dagger that can kill Jason or whatever. Why they have this, you know? But yeah, as he bumbles around in there, the newscaster dickbag shows up and talks about how he stole Jason's sister's body from the morgue to drive up ratings or something just to make himself more unlikable, saying "I stole her body from the morgue, then I went home and fucker her daughter." Just why? I guess they wanted to make him as shitty of a human as possible for when Jason shows up and passes his demon heart thing to the dude. Once this happens the cop who was possessed melted by the by. It is gross and sort of impressive.

LeMay eventually finds his baby momma to warn her about all this and her possessed fiancee shows up to kill her. He saves her, again, and off they are on the high way. However, once they are out of danger, the chick attacks LeMay and fucking ditches him him on the side of the road. She loves leaving this dude high and dry.

Starting to wind down here. Things start getting really strange at this point. They all end up back at the family cabin or whatever where the mom's body is chilling, waiting for the cop Jason dude to show up which he does, eventually. But first the foursome of baby momma, LeMay, Mr. Duke who meets up with all of them when shit goes down at the diner (just going skip over that whole mess), and baby prep. This is cut short though when Mr. Duke falls through a trap door for no reason. He is injured when a pair of cops, one is the dead mom's husband so baby momma's step dad, while the other is this idiot cop that LeMay tricked during his great escape. Everyone is collectively like, "uh, one of you is obviously Jason even though you are both talking at which is a very uncharacteristic move for the silent assassin." Baby momma, who ditched LeMay yet again, chooses to shoot her step dad or whatever. The quick decision is indeed incorrect and the other cop goes right at the baby and tries to make out with it (i.e. give the demon heart/tongue thing). This doesn't work though and the demon heart gets chopped. We see it and it is this weird demon baby thing. Uh, what? It scurries off and possesses the mom which means Jason gets his body back, woohoo. And he looks like shit. He is all bloated and not tough. Plus his death is garbage and completely anticlimactic. They sort of unceremoniously kill him with that dagger and roman candle fireballs shoot out his chest whereupon he gets dragged to hell by these little shitty stone handed demons. The fucking end. ... But wait, we get a closeup on Jason's masks and what comes out and grabs the fucking thing? Freddy's fucking glove. Ah yeah. Sets up Freddy vs. Jason which comes out 10 years later and ignores this movie, Jason X (the Jason in space movie), and New Nightmare all nice like. Yeah, greatest movie of all time!!!

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is the greatest movie of all time

Here we are, months after I started watching the Friday the 13th movies, still making our way through another franchise with Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, more or less universally considered the worst of the bunch, this movie is garbage... but also the greatest movie of all time. On one hand, these things have been getting exponentially worse with each sequel. On the other, they have getting exponentially more watchable. This movie gets off course early and is a total free fall into what the fuck by the end. Holy shit this movie is weird even by this franchise's standards.

Gist of the movie is that a bunch of high school students go on some weird boat trip to New York, Jason tags along, kills most everyone on said boat, reaches Manhattan, and then kills most of the rest of them there (as well as some of your average 1980s New York thugs) before getting drowned in toxic waste and reverting back to child-form. Again, what the fuck? How? Believe the hype surrounding this movie, greatest fucking movie ever. Especially that boxing scene. That was fucking amaze balls.


Pros: The boxing scene is hilarious. Jason looks cool. The change of locale is sort of interesting and we get a really cool shot of Jason in Times Square. They don't kill off the dog.

Cons: The plot is all over the place and makes no sense. There aren't really any good kills. They change the rules of the game (Jason can suddenly teleport). The ending is really bad and really insane.

Aw

Notes: Here's some shit about this piece of greatness... Obviously, again, intended to be the last in the series (shockingly, it wasn't), some say this shit show was fucking doomed. When Paramount first started marketing the movie, the original poster was Jason tearing through an "I ❤ NY" poster with a bloody knife. Yeah, the New York State Department of Economic Development (or whatever it was called then), which owns the trademark to the logo, was pissed the fuck off. Paramount toned it down by making the knife not bloody, not really the point, and the committee filed a formal complaint resulting in the studio retracting the image. What's worse, in following previously established precedent, Lar Park-Lincoln, the Carrie type survivor girl from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, apparently asked for a modest increase in pay from nearly nothing to dirt. The studio, as they had with every single survivor from the previous seven films, said "fuck no!" and they let her go. And that was that. Paramount really didn't give a shit about these goddamned movies.

Looking at the film itself, some bizarre decisions were made. Opening the movie we get a couple hooking up on a boat with one exposed breast. They suddenly stop so the gentleman here can tell the Jason story. During this tale they coincidentally bring Jason back to life unearth blue lightning when their boat anchor hits a 3000 volt power line that runs from the mainland to the camp at the bottom of the lake. They dead. Also early on we get this really strange side story with the hunky love interest guy. He is maybe out of high school and working as an assistant captain or is in high school and working as an assistant captain while his classmates party and get murdered below deck. What a fucking loser. Am I right? His old man relinquishes command to him, strangely, and he immediately fucks up because he is not qualified to do this job. Nice. Nepotism and incompetence. Immediately following this scene, after the kid storms out, the standard old crazy guy comes up and tells him that the voyage is doomed. I suspect with amateur hour here that even if Jason weren't on the boat that this would still be the case.

Now we start getting a bunch of kills on the boat. Most of them are lame city they make it clear that Jason can definitively teleport in this one. This is most apparent when he is the disco room with the Asian girl as Jason totally teleports around the dance floor before killing her. In sum we get kills with the following implements: a guitar, a sauna stone, a harpoon, Jason's mitts, and a navigation system (Jason throws a dude into it who catches fire before he hits the fucking thing), among other things. Eventually chaos ensues and the ship starts to go down. But not before Jason teleports up the mast one last time to throw some loser off down onto the decks below. He also T\tosses the black dude in the ocean before the boat actually sinks.

Only ones to make it off are the old dude, stupid heart throb, the survivor girl, her mom or whatever (who disappears at some point), the black dude (who they pick up in the ocean), and the dog. As they approach the city, the black dude explodes with a burst of horrible acting. It's fucking insane.

Some further ridiculous stuff with Jason becomes apparent here. First, Jason crawls out of the ocean behind the lifeboat. Apparently Jason swims to NYC. Funny that a kid that drowned is now able to marathon it from the middle of the sea. Second, on the docks of Manhattan he sees a billboard with his hockey mask on it and is weirded out. We also see a young Jason a couple of times. He looks completely different than he did before but whatever. This is foreshadowing to the end or something.

Back to the survivors. They have now discovered that New York is a 1980s hellhole, per usual. Before they even realize Jason is on the island with them they get robbed and the survivor girl gets kidnapped. These kidnapper guys don't give a fuck. This is how my parents think of New York right now, by the by. These dudes shoot her up to rape her. It's insane. Jason actually intervenes and saves the day here. Out of nowhere he pops up and stabs one of the guys in the chest with a hypodermic needle filled with drugs. The other guy, however, is not impressed with Jason who tries to fight him. Jason smashes his head through a steam pipe. He dead. Also, heroine has no affect on the girl who is up and on the move while Jason gets his killing on.

Around here we get what is easily the best scene in the movie: Jason boxes the black guy on the top of an apartment building. It was fucking insane (see the first gif). The guy connects like 400 straight punches before tiring himself out just when he has Jason with his back to the wall where he could potentially punch him off the side of the building. The rope-a-dope works pays off. Jason was down on points but wins on a knock out. Jason literally punches the dude's head off. It looks terrible and is amazing.

A cop shows up to arrest Jason and immediately dies. The remaining boaters hop in the cop car and hit Jason who appears as a child as they make their getaway causing the car to crash and eventually  explode. This conjures up a repressed memory from the survivor girl's childhood where the teacher chaperone dick bag guy scares the piss out of her about Jason being in the lake and throws her in off a row boat. Child Jason is at the bottom of the lake and pulls her down. She is like "you almost made me drown." He is like "uh... oh, when I taught you to swim?" The love interest dude is like "you son of a bitch" and the dude is kicked out of the group just in time for Jason to wake up. The old dude runs away into a building. Jason teleports in and throws them out a window. He then drowns him in toxic waste which is just chilling there like barrels of toxic waste do outside of industrial buildings.

Now we are at the beginning of the end which is quite the journey. Don't remember how they got there exactly but dream boat and survivor girl start making out in a big pile of trash, great time for a first kiss. It's short lived as Jason busts through knocking over a bunch of garbage. They flee and take the subway. Jason is on there. The teleporting thing. This begins this amazing montage of Jason just being an aggressive asshole. First he tools and a bunch of losers. The teeny bopper dude, I think, tackles him at the end of the line and knocks him into an electric grill. Sort of slows him down for a minute. Next thing you know you get Jason in Time Square, my second favorite scene in the flick. Punks see this and rage, for some reason, and decide to fuck with him. All he does is take his mask off which scares the shit out of them. Everyone is still running. They end up in Monk's Diner, maybe. People are barely fazed by Jason. Just another day in New York for them, I guess. Jason, on the other hand, seems to struggle with this many people to kill. Instead of slaughtering indiscriminately, which is what you would sort of hope for, he just focuses on these two.

Makeup Artist: Nailed it

STILL RUNNING, they end up in the sewer. Some guy, a sewer laborer, pops out of nowhere just to tell them the sewer fills up with toxic waste every night at midnight. Why? That seems dubious. New York in the 80s, yo. The boaters figure this is good time to bring up their issue and tell the guy about Jason who suddenly shows up, no surprise there, and pipe wrenches the laborer to death. To get away the girl splashes Jason with toxic waste that is just laying around. Jason takes off his mask. His face looks comically shitty and completely different than it has in all the other movies (it's never the same twice, strangely). This gives everyone enough time to escape as toxic waste starts rushing at Jason. You hear Jason's child voice saying "mommy, don't let me drown." That's fucked up. Then he throws up and drowns in toxic waste with his head turning into a rotting pumpkin. From there we get some more blue lightning and voila, Jason turns another child version of himself. What the fuck? I'd just leave him in the sewer. What the fuck did I just watch?

Researching what the hell that was about, I found an interview with director Rob Hedden where he explained the ending thus: “In the first film a young boy drowns and we find out it is his mother who is the one that has been killing everybody.  It’s not Jason.  That was a great twist, but young Jason still propelled the whole thing.  So, in our movie, he drowns in the toxic waste and turns back to that young boy.  I wanted to have it come full circle.  His soul has finally been released.”

So that was Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, a movie that really tested my Greatest Movie of All Time pledge. But it was totally awesome in a bizarre, train wreck kind of way.

Rewatched Friday the 13th... Still the worst movie of all time

Since it was just Friday the 13th, Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy takes another look at Friday the 13th. Spoiler. It's still trash.

Watched it at the local drive-in, Starlite. Local horror legend Sammy Terry was there. Despite technical difficulties with the movie, it was still a blast with Sammy yucking it up.

Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood is the worst movie of all

Good god. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood is the one where the wheels come totally off (i.e. where the magic happens). Finally moving past the character Tommy, who was the survivor boy in the previous three installments, this one pits good old immortal Jason Voorhees, played by Kane Hodder for the first time (he would play Jason in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday), against telekinetic Tina Shepard who brings him back to life with her mind which results in the death of mother, shrink, and the teens that have come to Crystal Lake to celebrate this idiot bro's birthday.

This one was originally conceived as a potential Freddy Vs. Jason but was too ahead of its time. While we would get that flick 15 years later, New Line, the production company behind the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, and Friday the 13th's Paramount, couldn't get their shit together in 1987. Nightmare was at the height of its popularity and the deal that Paramount brought to the table didn't impress Bob Shaye, CEO of New Line. What they offered was they would keep creative control of the film as well as handle domestic distribution while New Line would retain international distribution, which was basically offering them next to nothing. New Line would pass, going on to make Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master which was also trash.

That having fell through and with the series pretty much DOA, Paramount decided to brainstorm other famous foils that they could have Jason go toe-to-toe with. The screenwriter, Daryl Haney, basically just threw ideas at the producer until something stuck, saying "I notice that at the end of these movies there’s always a teenage girl who’s left to battle Jason by herself. What if this girl had telekinetic powers?" Hence this is the one that sort of became known as Carrie vs. Jason which is insane.

Pros: Another giant leap toward comedy. One solid kill in the infamous sleeping bag death. The telekinesis stuff has some potential.

Cons: More or less completely diverges from the previous films (though Jason does sort of hold it all together). Out there in a bad way. It's bad acting, irritating character, and a crappy plot even by Ft13th standards. Shitty kills and very little nudity.

Same damn person

Notes: If I've said it once I said it a million times, or maybe never, but franchises really start to peak around part seven. In that vein, in this part seven we get telekinesis for no reason. Fuck it, man. We get it with the survivor girl who is a small child at the beginning of the film. Her dad is being an abusive asshole. He beats the mom and is just a dick in general. The little girl goes out on a little boat to get away from him and when he follows to the edge of the dock, she psychokinesises the platform, sending him into the lake where he drowns. She immediately regrets it although her dad was a raging dickhead. She ultimately grows up to be the girl from Road Trip (Amy Smart, who is also a very pretty lady).

Part of what makes this movie so bad were all the horrendously unimaginative the kills were. Most of the kills are just Jason grabbing and stabbing. At several points in the film, Jason does the thing where he just walks up behind someone and you think, "huh, this is too obvious, of course this isn't how he is going to kill this person," and then he does. The only really memorable kill is the infamous sleeping bag death. In this one, Jason first kills the dude, Dan, with a machete by, of course, just walking up to him and murdering him. Meanwhile, the girl is getting ready for bed in their massive 30 person tent when Jason walks up. She sees him and her dead dude, maybe, and decides this is too much, she needs to hide. Going on instinct, I guess, she zips herself up in her sleeping bag. Jason grabs her, walks her over to a tree, and smashes her into it. Fuck yes.

Not a lot of nudity in either. We get a skinny dipper who just swims in place when Jason comes at her, then we get one other set of breasts from the stoner chick late in the movie. Both the chicks are super attractive though. Speaking of swimming, I guess we are just gonna ignore that Jason is now an excellent swimmer. The kid drowned and in every movie now we see him fly by Michael Phelps.

The movie also has some of the most irritating characters in the whole franchise which says a lot when alumni include Kevin Bacon, Corey Feldman (who did a fine job), Crispin Glover gyrating about, the character with the lowest self-esteem in all of cinema, a guy that walks on his hands, a mother-son neo-Nazi duo, a rapey coroner (giving us a bad name), and a punk chick who only gets screen time so that she can do the robot. The two worst offenders are the desperate homely girl and the fucktard writer guy. First we'll start with the less offensive homely girl. The dude she is interested in, some rich dude, maybe the writer dude, I don't remember, goes with someone else. Most the people are dead at this point and everyone else is dead drunk. She decides this is an appropriate time to try to make an all out effort to get the dude to notice her. She gets completely dolled up at like two in the morning and goes out looking for him. She is just like wandering about saying his name. It's the weirdest and craziest thing I've ever seen. No wonder she is single. She ultimately dies alone.

Now for the writer dude. Fuck this guy. The writer dude has to be in the running for the most irritating character of all time. This rich bitch, Melissa, played by Susan Jennifer Sullivan (who was long rumored dead but is in fact alive and well) who is Jenna from 30 Rock except serious, leads him on and makes out with him to make this other guy who is more interested in the telekinetic chick jealous. When she finally tells him, "hey, I'm not going to have sex with you," he loses it and says some down right weird shit. "I know about rejection," he says at one point, "I've been rejected by the finest science fiction magazines in the continental United States!" Then he goes down stairs, opens the birthday dude's gifts, and, thankfully, dies.

Though the shit I have already mentioned has already ruined my opinion of the movie, I sort of don't mind the telekinesis stuff. I'm sort of in the if you have an unkillable zombie who has magically learned to swim despite originally drowning (maybe) that has the ability to teleport (unconfirmed until Part VIII), then fuck, I can buy psychokinesis. Her psychic ability, on the other hand, is basically useless. She sees the future but is either unable to change it or she fucks it up and doesn't because she is an idiot. Like when she sees her mother die and then she dies like in said vision. This leads to some ridiculousness. Psychic girl flees her cabin when she finds out her like live-in shrink or stepdad or whatever is fucking with her head. The mom and said shrink or whatever start chasing her so she hops in the car and takes off, ultimately crashing it when she has the vision of her mom getting killed. She then heads to the cabin to find her love interest to help. When she gets there, she says to him, "I just saw my mom; I have to find her," which is nonsense. She could have just stayed where she was since her mom was just looking for her and came up to the car immediately after she ran off.

So they go out to find her. The asshole stepdad or what-have-you throws the mom in front of him so that Jason kills her instead of him--what a guy!--but he eventually gets his when Jason walks up on him (maybe teleport) with a buzz saw and disembowels the prick. The chick finds her mom and is pissed. Comes up on Jason just sort of moseying down the street. The girl sort of telekinesises Jason into a mud puddle and then downs a power line that electrocutes him with the infamous 80s blue lightning. Doesn't work though and they end up back at the cabin somehow. She also smashes a house on him around here. This only causes mild irritation.

Down to three survivors now. The psychic, the love interest dude, and the rich bitch. Rich bitch has no idea what's going on and is obviously not long for this world. Awfully late in the movie to be alive and clueless and a bitch. She tells Melissa what is going down but Melissa is like, "uh, this is fucking crazy, let's go, guy," and she goes to leave. And... she's dead. Axe to the face. Not coming back from that. Now Jason comes at dude and psychic chick. She mentally keeps chucking shit at him like couches, potted plants with severed heads in them, bits of cabin, so forth. Eventually she smashes his hockey mask. The straps cut into his skin. It's all puss filled and fucking gross. Made my stomach turn a bit. They get it on. Jason dies and comes back like six or seven times. Eventually explode the cabin with him in there. Again, redness and slight irritation.

So Jason has the girl cornered at the edge of the dock. She is fucked. He has his knife raise and ready for that sweet, sweet final kill. But the girl has one last trick up her sleeve that comes about when she is freaking out as she unconsciously summons her dead father. He bursts up through the dock--looking surprisingly good for being dead in a body of water for over a decade--and pulls Jason down into the water, chaining him at the bottom of the lake. Man, didn't see that ending coming because it is insane and is completely out of nowhere. That is the whole movie. Insanity out of nowhere. Three more to go before Freddy vs. Jason. Fuck.

Aw, look at that face. So cute. Just want to cuddle him.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is the greatest movie of all time

Though Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is one of the tamest of the franchise with kills that are just okay with gore that mostly happens off screen and basically no nudity, I still enjoyed the film and give it ye olde greatest film of all time tag.  Out of the six I've watched thus far, I'd put this at a solid second or third. I'll get to the rankings later on.

This installment sees the return of Tommy Jarvis with actor Thom Matthews (whom you may remember from Return of the Living Dead) taking over the role as the third actor to take on character in three films as Jason is back as supernatural killing machine with more or less complete invincibility. This is who Jason is for the rest of the franchise, it is important to note. An unkillable zombie that just loves murder. You also get a little bit more comedy in this flick than in the previous ones with Jason occasionally breaking the fourth wall like when he kills a paintballer by ripping off his arm and smashing his face into a tree which produces the "Have a Nice Day" smiley face. Here Jason looks at the camera like, "eh."

Pros: The real Jason is back and this time with a sense of humor. Cast is again pretty decent if not way over the top. Campiest of the series thus far. Pretty good pacing except for a couple of scenes where Tommy is driving around and escaping from the police (which happens multiple times).

Cons: Tamest of the series to this point. Sex and violence is mostly off screen which no one asked for. Could have probably shaved a few minutes off a couple of scenes and made it a little tighter.

What happened to the bald, tennage Corey Feldman?

Notes: Get the third Tommy who is going to kill Jason once and for all. He has a sidekick that is fucking jazzed about this when they are rolling up. This fucking guy is embarrassing. We are also supposed to ignore the fact that Jason was said to have been cremated several movies ago. They dig up Jason and he looks like shit. No surprise there. Then we see Tommy's poorly thought out plan not work. He is going to burn him but it starts raining. Get some blue lightning bringing Jason back to life. Jason walks over to the other dude and calmly punches his heart out. Tommy ghosts. Jason puts on the mask and is ready to fucking rock. Get the 007 intro thing but with Jason stabbing instead of Bond shooting. And here we fucking go.

Ballsy move. Lucky she's above the law.

Naturally, Tommy goes to the cops. Starts in with the talk. The cops are like, "uh, we don't need this shit. Also, what the fuck are you talking about?" Provoked, Tommy grabs a shotgun and waves it around. Good way to spend the night in jail or die if you are a minority. The sheriff's daughter shows up there at the jail then and wants to bone dude, which is a weird vibe to throw out there to a potentially crazy man while your dad the sheriff is standing there. Just saying. The sheriff is an aggressive asshole but come on. Then, when Tommy escapes the first time, she tells him her dad is looking for him in connection with some deaths. Dude is like, "Jason" and she is like "I will pick you up and help you evade my dad." If this were real she would be like, "uh, you are the murderer."Her abetting escalates to the point where she breaks him out of jail the second time, holding a deputy at gunpoint. That's a felony, sister.

Get a bunch of kills in this one but none were super great. The president from Scandal, one Tony Goldwyn, shows up with a lady. They make some bad decisions while driving around in a bug and get murdered. A group five or so paintballers in the woods get theirs. One is the "Have a Nice Day" kill. Jason then kills three with one machete blow. The nerd of group then pops up and shoots Jason with a paintball. Other than momentarily confuse Jason, this does nothing. See him mangled later when Jason stumbles upon a couple camping out in a graveyard. The guy is supposed to be gay or something as he is weird stereotype that 80s movies always play up. The dude is a dandy, basically, wearing a suit while camping and being uninterested in sex. They die.

From there Jason finds another couple camping out. These two are "glamping" in an RV. The dude counselor is such an idiot. He's fucking aggressively stupid. Uses the word "squaw" to refer to the chick that rides him. What a guy. They leave, thinking someone is watching them. Driving away, girl is like, "pull over, you can't drive this thing." dude is like, "no way babe, I've always wanted to drive a house, and I want to rock." It's the dumbest shit. Then he cranks the tunes and says a bunch of dumb shit. While this is happening the girl gets pulled into the bathroom by Jason. Dude is like, "what are you taking a dump?" Charming. She gets the face-plant into the side of the RV. Dude gets a knife in the ear whilst driving. Killed, thank fuck. RV loses control and flips several times. Jason is unphased by the crash. Interesting tidbit about the girl from that scene: she was fired from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning and replaced by the lovely Deborah Voorhees under dubious circumstances. The way she tells it, during her audition she was asked to take off her top by director Danny Stienmann, she refused, she got the part, Stienmann then made a pass at her, she rebuffed him, then she was fired. She didn't sue for sexual harassment and to make it up to her the casting director ended up offering her a non-nude role in this flick... But then asked her to get nude anyway. Again, she refused, but this time they figured it would be way too fucked up to fire her a second time. Good call. She is a fucking human being and all.

A triumphant Jason surfs a flaming Winnebago

Around here Jason makes it to the camp, finally, and kills a couple of counselors. In the first one, Jason twists a girl's head off. The second one is done off screen but we see the gruesome aftermath. When the police show up there is blood everywhere in that room. Speaking of the counselors, they are actually responsible for youths as this is the only one in the series with real campers. Get some humor out of them here as one of the young girls is doing some light Sarte reading, No Exit. Existentialism, totally accessible for the kiddos. Jason doesn't kill kids though. Several police officers are killed though, making up for the lack of child death. One, the sheriff if I remember correctly, gets folded in half. This movie actually has a pretty impressive kill count. The final tally was 18.

Some spoilers below, if you give a shit about such things. So here we are at the end. Tommy has managed to dispel Jason by drowning him, tying him to a boulder with chains and throwing it in the lake, which sets up Part VII nicely, just before everyone's favorite supernatural zombie kills the sheriff's daughter, Megan. But wouldn't you know it, Jason manages to pull Tommy down with him to a watery death. Megan, however, is a camp counselor and didn't fuck around with her lifeguard training and pulls Tommy out of the water and even manages to necessitate using a little of the old CPR. I like to think the happy couple go on to live out their days together far from Crystal Lake, reminiscing about how they met while hunting a hellish killing machine that folded her dad in half as this is the last of the series in which Tommy appears. Good times. Good movie.

MonsterVision

Let's check in with good old Joe Bob Briggs one last time and see how the Friday the 13th marathon ended on Halloween back in 1998.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is the greatest movie of all time

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning--the second in the Tommy Jarvis trilogy--makes more or less no sense, doesn't feature the "real" Jason, and came out just a year after the one that was supposed to end the franchise, but is nonetheless a totally awesome movie. Definitely of the kitsch persuasion, the film isn't good but is highly enjoyable/memorable. 

Part of my effinity for this movie comes with it being the first one in the series that I saw when I was six or sevenish. Spoiler: This is the Scooby Doo one. where Jason isn't the killer. It's some guy dressed up as Jason. I thought they were all like this with some guy trying to make everyone think he was this dead psycho killer, like keeping the memory of that alive or something. Needless to say, this is indeed the only one like this.

Pros: Lots of over-the-top killing, some spectacular nudity, and kung fu. The first movie in the franchise with a little diversity (there are four black people in the film, one of which even lives). Best kill is the greaser with a road flare.

Cons: The hillbillies are incredibly irritating. The movie in no way varies from the formula and then throws out a twist. Most of the active is SO bad.

The pretty, blonde waitress lady

Notes: Character list includes an older Tommy, an attractive blonde psychologist lady, the middle aged dude running the camp, a fat, low self-esteem idiot, a variety of troubled youths that constantly sneak off to do it, a mother/son duo of hill-jack bikers, a couple greasers, a black kid named Reggie and most of the rest of his family including his brother who lives in a van, some hot chick that works at a diner that shows up for no reason other than to show off her breasts and die, and some skeezy dude who is into her. 

Fuck, man

The movie opens with little Tommy, Corey Feldman, dreaming about Jason coming back from the grave. When he wakes up he is a 30-yeard old man who is playing a high school kid. To torture him, I guess, the cops are taking him to Camp Crystal Lake which is now a group home situation for wayward teens. Right after the cops leave we get to meet this chunky idiot with chocolate on his face and hands. He walks over and starts talking to these attractive 80s girls doing laundry who want nothing to do with him. They treat him like shit and send him off. He then goes over to this guy Vick who is chopping wood like a maniac. The fat idiot offers him a candy bar. He chops it. The idiot tells him he is "out of line" and Vick fucking kills him with the ax. Talk about overreacting, man. This comes out of fucking nowhere. It stands out as the second most brutal in a movie full of brutal fucking kills. Kill that isn't even done by Jason. Fuck, that was dark and sad. So cops come back and we also get these ambulance drivers. One is a raging asshole, calls everyone a “bunch of pussies” because they are crying about having just witnessed a brutal murder, while the other one is sort of walking around, looking weird. They keep focusing on the weird one inexplicably. SPOILER: Remembering that the killer was some dude dressed as Jason, when they kept zooming in on this medic, I knew he must be the killer. That night Jason kills a couple of greasers. It's whatever. We are 15 minutes in and we already have five deaths. None are impressive.

Don't fuck with Tommy

Some stuff about this incarnation of Tommy. Dude is unexpectedly jacked and totally unhinged. So we keep seeing him slowly losing it. The way they illustrate this is the best. Some raging asshole comes down in Tommy's wolfman mask, yeah, he is still making those masks, and just acts like a huge asshole. He jumps around like, "booga booga" and makes Tommy jump in front of the group. They are laughing and he starts sort of halfway punching Tommy repeatedly in the chest in an extremely irritating way until Tommy like slips him around his shoulders and slams into this table. It is fucking insane.

Here's a pretty lady

Now on to the most memorable kills. We get this mustachioed guy who works at the hospital as an orderly who picks up a chick way out of his league at a diner. She goes and gets naked in the bathroom just because. Pops her tits out saying “it's showtime” for no reason other than to insert some nudity into the film. While this is going on, Stache gets axed in the head. The girl gets it in her chest. More fantastic, gratuitous nudity. This couple smokes weed while doing. It's some random dumb girl with great tits and the idiot that got slammed by Tommy. The girl gets garden sheers to the eyes while the dude gets a belt tightened around his face and a tree. It's sort of a weird one but is cool.

Here's some more deaths. The kid Reggie, his brother shows up and is the black dude from Return of the Living Dead. He is homeless and living with his girl in a van near the camp. He meets up with Reggie and the doctor lady before elegantly mentioning to his girl that he has to take a shit because of the enchiladas her ate earlier. His girl dies off screen while he gets it on the can because of said enchiladas. Jason stabs wildly through the outhouse walls with some pointy, spear thing. Dude does what you shouldn't do when someone is stabbing wildly through the wall and plants himself against that wall. He gets the pipe thing right square in the chest and dies. Now it's on to the Geek and his mom, which thank fuck, these two, yeesh. It starts when the Geek comes at Tommy like an aggressive asshole. He basically picks a fight with Tommy who Chuck Norris's his ass. After taking that L, the Geek is freaking out, riding his motorcycle around screaming like a lunatic about getting his ass kicked. Finally, after this goes on for way too long, Jason lops off his head with a machete before he meatclevers the mom's face. From there it is the kids who get it. A dude that looks like Jon Cryer gets a clever to the face, this redhead who just turned down Cryer gets naked, sees Cryer dead in her bed, and then gets the standard under the bed stab. And finally we get some chick combining “the robot” with miming, which is an embarrassing way to go for sure, who dies somehow but you don't really notice because you just want the dancing to stop. 

Tommy Chuck Norrising a hillock

Still not as bad as Crispin Glover in The Final Chapter

Eh? See it? No? Ok then.

It's here that we get the usual discovery of all the bodies scene. It's the black kid who finds them all dead. Doctor lady shows up and like berates him. “What is it? What's wrong? What's the matter? What's wrong? What is it? What is it?” This while shaking him. That is not an exaggeration. They take off. Kid's grandpa gets hurled through the window. His eyes are cut out too. This Jason likes stealing people's eye holes, I guess. I've been thinking that this kid looks familiar. Realize he is Carl Lewis as he is sprinting away, possibly genuinely terrified.  They go outside. It's raining. The doctor is wearing a white shirt bra-less. She also falls a lot. Tries to crawl away for 20 seconds. Jason is like 80 yards away. Just stand up and walk briskly away. She is determined to make crawling work. Jason eventually walks up on her. About to bring the machete the fuck down when the kid shows back up flying around in a bulldozer which he hits Jason with. Takes a lot of damage but bounces back. The doctor now fights Jason with a chainsaw. Machete vs. chainsaw, chainsaw always wins. Obviously. Cuts his arm with it. But it runs out of gas. Bummer. 

Are you fucking kidding me?

Just before the doctor lady gets kilt, Tommy shows back up after being missing for half the movie. Him and Jason stare each other down for a long time while everyone yells at Tommy to do something. What he does is stab Jason in the femoral. Should bleed out. But doesn't. Sort of falls and is hanging on to the side of the barn where there are spikes underneath him for no reason. He is still coming at them so Tommy chops off his hand and he lands in bunch of spikes. The old Scooby Doo ending. It's not the mythic Jason but just some enthusiast with some ability to make masks. He's another mask savant, basically. His son was the kid that got axed at the beginning. Doesn't kill the guy who killed his kid though. This ending is stupid and doesn't make sense. But wait, there's more. Cut to the hospital, Tommy has all Jason's shit. He dreams he puts all that shit on and kills the doc. Wakes up. It was a dream, to his relief. Then he maybe does it for real. Roll credits. Glad that was cleared up. Yeah, it's whatever but I would still watch this movie over almost every Nightmare on Elm Street. 

MonsterVision

Let's check back in with good old Joe Bob Briggs. See what he has to say about this Part 5 of the franchise.