Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is the worst movie of all time

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is unwatchable trash. I really fucking hated this movie. I'd put it in the top ten worst movies I've ever seen. Probably top five. This made me sort of angry I hated it so much. Weird sensation, being angry with a movie, but it happens, I've learned. A lot of times bad movies have charm and it makes them sort of enjoyable. This is not one of those movies. Something I like to do after watching a movie is to guess the Rotten Tomato score. I was sure that this movie was 0%. How it earned a for the genre middle of the road 33% I have no fucking clue.

General plot, which fucking sucks, is survivor girl Alice, the first to make it through her second go round of Nightmare movies, gets knocked up by Dan, the jock from Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and Freddy uses the opportunity to like, I don't know, possess and torment her disgusting unborn child whilst dreaming in the womb with the thinking that he can be literally born again or something. It's fucking out there. This is the one where Freddy becomes a true caricature of himself. Also the one where he says “bitch” all the time. In NOES 4 the one-liners really got out of hand. It was like, “hey, remember when I said that shit before I killed that chick in 3 (NOES 3: The Dream Warriors)? 'Welcome to prime time, bitch.' You liked that shit, huh? I'm going to do that for every kill from now on.” Since all of those sucked, in 5 they decide the magic from the line in three all hinged on the word “bitch,” so now every one-liner before the kill has “bitch” in it.

Pros: Pretty ladies.

Cons: Everything.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Opens with Alice, chick from NOES 4, making out with some guy, later find out it's Dan, also from 4, and then go to the shower to wash off the sex. Whilst in there, sewage starts bubbling up from the drain. It's disgusting. Eventually fills up the shower. Yick. Alice still works at the diner, we find out later, and judging by her apartment makes $200,000 a year. She is spontaneously dreaming now. Sees Freddy's literal origin which was discussed in 3. If you recall, his biological mother, a nun, was raped by 100 mental patients in an insane asylum. One is fucking Robert Englund. Then we see the birth of Freddy. The doctor is like, “my god!” The head nurse tells her to take solace it being one of God's children so you know it's ugly. And it is like a baby burned up Freddy. It looks fucking dumb. If this is the beginning, I can't wait for the rest of the movie. I don't know if I can at this point.

Looking good
At least the girls are more attractive in this one. Basically it's 90s hot instead of 80s hot. Even Alice looks decent. Cover model chick is genuinely good looking. Alice's drunk dad is MIA. No fucking shocker there. But he shows up. Sober now. “Don't want to embarrass you by being a drunk,” he says. But he is sober so... And wouldn't it be more embarrassing to have your creepy traipsing about on the edge of the graduation circle? Dan, the idiot she is dating at the end of the last movie is still around and dumber than ever though it is implied he is the valedictorian since he is giving the commencement speech. The first of many I am sure.

Alice has another dream. Freddy has one long arm again in this one. The long arm is more or less constant which I don't understand. Says bitch constantly in this one. This is the first. Says it to his mom. An insane pool party breaks out. Indoors. Artist kid that is not long for this movie talks about some ancient child murder.

Freddy meets Mad Max
On the way back Dan falls asleep at the wheel. Freddie shows up, of course, and rips his own long arm off and uses it has a seatbelt. What the shit? It's fucking stupid. Jock hits something and flies through the window. It's totally fine though. Things that kill people are like totally arbitrary. Hops on a motorcycle that is just conveniently there and it almost immediately turns into Freddie. Like absorbs him. It's weird. Ends up wrecking it into the back of a semi and we see IRL he is back in his truck. Dan is sort of alive burning there on the ground. He says to Alice “want to make babies” which is disgusting. Dan is confirmed dead. Alice is like, it was Freddy. No one is convinced which is insane. They act like they have no fucking clue what she is talking about. Half of these kids were in the previous movie for fuck's sake. Find out here she's pregnant here as well. Whatever.

The model chick gets it next. She gets dozes off at a dinner party full of her mother's creepy friends that hit on the nymphet and shit while she doesn't eat. When of the guys more or less creams his pants looking at her and she gets disgusted, her mom is like you need to learn how to treat men right if you want to be a model. Uh, okay. So now she nods off during dinner for some reason and there is chef Freddy. At no time in the movie is this chick talking about purging or being anorexic or whatever but Freddy, in the vein of ironic punishment I guess, force feeds her a bunch of shit. Of course there is a horrible one-liner. And it has “bitch” in it. This one is “Bon appétit, bitch.” She dead. Alice goes to her own fridge IRL. Says “die bitch” on a piece of paper held up by magnets. Get a sweet claymation of rotting food in the fridge and the model chick with her face stuffed with food. Freddy pulls her in. Alice goes in after her. In this dream sequence we see her child who is like nine. This kid is disgusting. Eyes are adult size. Little freak was in Jurassic Park, he was the unexplained fat kid that Sam Neill told about how velociraptors would slit open his belly and he'd be alive when they started to eat him. Anyway, this kid makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't help that he says a bunch of weird kid shit and Freddy brags about feeding the fetus the souls he is harvesting.

Nobody wants to see this
Time to go to the doctor, in real time. At some point she is like, “Freddy is feeding my baby souls.” The doctor is like, “feeding him souls you say.” She leaves and he makes a phone call. What the hell was that? This leads to Alice hanging out with her ethnic friend who she went to the doctor with. Still together, they are hanging out and Alice is droning on about Freddy trying to kill her and what not. In every one of these movies there's a scene where everyone is like, "do you know what you sound like? You sound ridiculous." Getting a lot of this in this one which is itself ridiculous since Freddy has killed an insane amount of kids every year in this shit town including people in this circle of friends just one year prior. Dan's Parent show up. Want to take the kid and raise it. Doctor called them, apparently. So much for doctor patient confidentiality.

Super lame
The artist kid believes her though. He has a dream where Freddy attacks him. Now they devise ye olde stay awake and watch me routine, standard in these films. He starts reading this Freddy comic and it does the thing where he sees what is happening right then, as in him looking in a comic. And he gets sucked in. He becomes this comic book hero he is working on. Sort of like a homosexual Punisher. I don't think this kid is supposed to be gay but he seems really gay. Bob Shaye really likes vaguely gay high school dudes in these flicks. Anywho, he shoots Freddy into a corner. Freddy is all black and white and shit for some reason. Just when you think think Freddy is fucked, yeah, not at all, he turns into Super Freddy which is just a really beefy Freddy who is bullet proof. He is also obviously played by a completely different dude. He just starts slashing this kid with his glove, standard kill, but screams like a wild man and the kid turns into paper. So Freddy is like shredding the shit out of this confetti paper and yelling like an idiot. Fuck this movie.

Some boring stuff happens. They go in and out of the dream realm. They all end up back at Freddy's mom's gang rape. Freddy gets locked in and is ripped apart by the maniacs. This doesn't phase him though. The kid shows up again. Freddy, Alice, and him are running around these stairs that go up, are upside, go sideways, so forth. It's actually a cool effect. It all comes to a head. Out of nowhere kid becomes like a creepy Freddy clone. Freddy's mom shows up. The kid suddenly vomits the souls Freddy fed him back up on him and they rip through him. They look like sperm attached by chewing gum. It's indescribable. The sperm/souls pull the baby Freddy out of his own body. It doesn't it make any sense at fucking all and is completely fucking insane. This fucking kills him? Oh my god, it's over. This movie is so fucking stupid. Did not fucking like. Just a few more to go. 

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