Nightmare
on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is unwatchable trash. I really
fucking hated this movie. I'd put it in the top ten worst movies I've
ever seen. Probably top five. This made me sort of angry I hated it
so much. Weird sensation, being angry with a movie, but it happens,
I've learned. A lot of times bad movies have charm and it makes them
sort of enjoyable. This is not one of those movies. Something I like
to do after watching a movie is to guess the Rotten Tomato score. I
was sure that this movie was 0%. How it earned a for the genre middle
of the road 33% I have no fucking clue.
General
plot, which fucking sucks, is survivor girl Alice, the first to make
it through her second go round of Nightmare movies, gets knocked up
by Dan, the jock from Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master,
and Freddy uses the opportunity to like, I don't know, possess and
torment her disgusting unborn child whilst dreaming in the womb with
the thinking that he can be literally born again or something. It's
fucking out there. This is the one where Freddy becomes a true
caricature of himself. Also the one where he says “bitch” all the
time. In NOES 4 the one-liners really got out of hand. It was
like, “hey, remember when I said that shit before I killed that
chick in 3 (NOES 3: The Dream Warriors)? 'Welcome to prime time, bitch.' You liked that
shit, huh? I'm going to do that for every kill from now on.” Since
all of those sucked, in 5 they decide the magic from the line
in three all hinged on the word “bitch,” so now every one-liner
before the kill has “bitch” in it.
Pros:
Pretty ladies.
Cons:
Everything.
Disclaimer:
My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give
away the ending.
 |
| No |
 |
| Looking good |
At
least the girls are more attractive in this one. Basically it's 90s
hot instead of 80s hot. Even Alice looks decent. Cover model chick is
genuinely good looking. Alice's drunk dad is MIA. No fucking shocker
there. But he shows up. Sober now. “Don't want to embarrass you by
being a drunk,” he says. But he is sober so... And wouldn't it be
more embarrassing to have your creepy traipsing about on the edge of
the graduation circle? Dan, the idiot she is dating at the end of the
last movie is still around and dumber than ever though it is implied
he is the valedictorian since he is giving the commencement speech.
The first of many I am sure.
Alice
has another dream. Freddy has one long arm again in this one. The
long arm is more or less constant which I don't understand. Says
bitch constantly in this one. This is the first. Says it to his mom.
An insane pool party breaks out. Indoors. Artist kid that is not long
for this movie talks about some ancient child murder.
 |
| Freddy meets Mad Max |
On
the way back Dan falls asleep at the wheel. Freddie shows up, of
course, and rips his own long arm off and uses it has a seatbelt.
What the shit? It's fucking stupid. Jock hits something and flies
through the window. It's totally fine though. Things that kill people
are like totally arbitrary. Hops on a motorcycle that is just
conveniently there and it almost immediately turns into Freddie. Like
absorbs him. It's weird. Ends up wrecking it into the back of a semi
and we see IRL he is back in his truck. Dan is sort of alive burning
there on the ground. He says to Alice “want to make babies” which
is disgusting. Dan is confirmed dead. Alice is like, it was Freddy.
No one is convinced which is insane. They act like they have no
fucking clue what she is talking about. Half of these kids were in
the previous movie for fuck's sake. Find out here she's pregnant here
as well. Whatever.
 |
| Agreed |
The
model chick gets it next. She gets dozes off at a dinner party full
of her mother's creepy friends that hit on the nymphet and shit while
she doesn't eat. When of the guys more or less creams his pants
looking at her and she gets disgusted, her mom is like you need to
learn how to treat men right if you want to be a model. Uh, okay. So
now she nods off during dinner for some reason and there is chef
Freddy. At no time in the movie is this chick talking about purging
or being anorexic or whatever but Freddy, in the vein of ironic
punishment I guess, force feeds her a bunch of shit. Of course there
is a horrible one-liner. And it has “bitch” in it. This one is
“Bon appétit, bitch.” She dead. Alice goes to her own fridge
IRL. Says “die bitch” on a piece of paper held up by magnets. Get
a sweet claymation of rotting food in the fridge and the model chick
with her face stuffed with food. Freddy pulls her in. Alice goes in
after her. In this dream sequence we see her child who is like nine.
This kid is disgusting. Eyes are adult size. Little freak was in
Jurassic Park, he was the
unexplained fat kid that Sam Neill told about how velociraptors would
slit open his belly and he'd be alive when they started to eat him.
Anyway, this kid makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't help that he says
a bunch of weird kid shit and Freddy brags about feeding the fetus
the souls he is harvesting.
 |
| Nobody wants to see this |
Time
to go to the doctor, in real time. At some point she is like, “Freddy
is feeding my baby souls.” The doctor is like, “feeding him souls
you say.” She leaves and he makes a phone call. What the hell was
that? This leads to Alice hanging out with her ethnic friend who she
went to the doctor with. Still together, they are hanging out and
Alice is droning on about Freddy trying to kill her and what not. In
every one of these movies there's a scene where everyone is like, "do
you know what you sound like? You sound ridiculous." Getting a
lot of this in this one which is itself ridiculous since Freddy has
killed an insane amount of kids every year in this shit town
including people in this circle of friends just one year prior. Dan's
Parent show up. Want to take the kid and raise it. Doctor called
them, apparently. So much for doctor patient confidentiality.
 |
| Super lame |
The
artist kid believes her though. He has a dream where Freddy attacks
him. Now they devise ye olde stay awake and watch me routine,
standard in these films. He starts reading this Freddy comic and it
does the thing where he sees what is happening right then, as in him
looking in a comic. And he gets sucked in. He becomes this comic book
hero he is working on. Sort of like a homosexual Punisher. I don't
think this kid is supposed to be gay but he seems really gay. Bob
Shaye really likes vaguely gay high school dudes in these flicks.
Anywho, he shoots Freddy into a corner. Freddy is all black and white
and shit for some reason. Just when you think think Freddy is fucked,
yeah, not at all, he turns into Super Freddy which is just a really
beefy Freddy who is bullet proof. He is also obviously played by a
completely different dude. He just starts slashing this kid with his
glove, standard kill, but screams like a wild man and the kid turns
into paper. So Freddy is like shredding the shit out of this confetti
paper and yelling like an idiot. Fuck this movie.
Some
boring stuff happens. They go in and out of the dream realm. They all
end up back at Freddy's mom's gang rape. Freddy gets locked in and is
ripped apart by the maniacs. This doesn't phase him though. The kid
shows up again. Freddy, Alice, and him are running around these
stairs that go up, are upside, go sideways, so forth. It's actually a
cool effect. It all comes to a head. Out of nowhere kid becomes like
a creepy Freddy clone. Freddy's mom shows up. The kid suddenly vomits
the souls Freddy fed him back up on him and they rip through him.
They look like sperm attached by chewing gum. It's indescribable. The
sperm/souls pull the baby Freddy out of his own body. It doesn't it
make any sense at fucking all and is completely fucking insane. This
fucking kills him? Oh my god, it's over. This movie is so fucking
stupid. Did not fucking like. Just a few more to go. 
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