Monday, June 19, 2017

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is the greatest movie of all time

Overall the movie is pretty okay. More of what the people want except maybe it's a little too much of a good thing. Highest kill count for the series so far with 13 fatalities, they start pretty much immediately and significantly cut down on the time between murders. There is also so much more gratuitous nudity in this flick than those that came before it. It also stars Corey Feldman as Tommy and Crispin Glover as more or less himself.

When you watch these things back-to-back, like I've pretty much done every time I've watched these as TNT and USA used to have a Friday the 13th marathon from sun down to sun up every single Friday the 13th, the thing that really sticks out is how fucking insane the timeline for these movies are. Part 2 takes place entirely on Friday the 13th. Part III, which takes off right where Part 2 ends, starts with Jason on the loose the night that all the killing takes place and spans one full day. For The Final Chapter we have kids still going to the fucking lake after multiple days of Jason massacring people. There are at least two days that pass in this film with the majority of the flick taking place on Monday the 16th. In this time Jason's appearance has drastically changed and a Jason expert/hunter whose sister died in this universe technically on that Friday (she was the one that was speared during sex in Part 2). In Part 2 Jason looks like a hairy elephant man, in III he is completely hairless and has a pit bull face, while in this one his face is sort of melting off. Not meant to be thought too hard about I would imagine.

The Jason expert though, his shit really falls apart in this timeline. So his sister just fucking died on Friday. This dude would have started his Jason research immediately upon hearing of her demise on Saturday, wrapped that up and gotten into the woods by Sunday, and then have his showdown (which doesn't end well) on Monday. While that is possible, it is heavily implied that he has been out in the woods on quest for vengeance has been a long time coming with newspaper clippings and supplies and all that.

Pros: Up the kills. Tom Savini is back so they are fucking sick too. Up the breasts. Feldman is fucking cool.

Cons: Cripsin Glover is too fucking weird to live, man, and is seriously freaky. The ending makes no sense. Much of the movie makes no sense (but I guess it doesn't really matter). Some of the acting is bad.

Notes: Started this one with the female companion. Won her over with Tom Savini, Crispin Glover, and Corey Feldman. “See, it's almost a legitimate movie,” I said. She didn't last long. We get started with the standard recap of the three movies that came before. She says something along the lines of “What the fuck is this a highlight reel?” and she was out. So here we are, now at Sunday the 15th or whatever. And the police are still just letting people come to the lake to get slaughtered. They don't know for sure who did what or if this person had an accomplice. But by all means. Camp on at the murder lake. But I digress.

So following the goings on of Part 3, the paramedics take Jason to the morgue and just put him on ice. Like, “oh, no big, just a guy that has mastered this whole not dying thing, eh, he's probably dead now though.” With this coming in you'd also think the coroner would be on high alert. Not this morgue attendant, or whatever his official title is. Axel, as he is called, gets incredibly rapey instead. He freely talks about doing one of the corpses and sexually harasses a nurse to boot. His final sin comes when he taunts Jason, winning over the nurse, apparently, as she is now into it. But then Jason's hand pops out touches her and she is once again turned off. Long story short, they both die horribly.

We start meeting the people we are going to start watching die. Starts with the family. Mother, daughter (a pretty lady), son (Tommy played by Corey Feldman). The ladies we see running if you can call it that. With Tommy we get his weird masks. He “made” them. Obviously Tom Savini's efforts as they are fucking works of art making Tommy some sort of savant. This also comes up later when he fixes the sister's car despite no training or anything and being 12.

Now on to the campers heading to the house next door. A girl, a heartthrob, a horrible couple, a high computer guy, and Crispin Glover. They mock this fat hitchhiker chick on the side of the road. She is just there to die, basically. Pad the kill count a little bit while she holds a banana she mashes as she dies. Whatever. When we cut back to the high computer guy with his vagina lips he tells Crispin Glover that his computer says that he is a “dead fuck” because no one knows how computers work in the mid 80s. But yeah. He totally is. He's a fucking train wreck in this movie.This dude's weirdness, which has been addressed ad nausea, is on full display here. I feel like he isn't really acting. Like when he does this dance which is beyond belief. This thing is out of control. He is flailing about aggressively in a way that is fucking indescribable. All the actors are like trying not to stare or laugh. It is pretty hilarious.

Once they all get to the lake they go skinny dip just to give the people what they want, I guess. Feldman and his sister show up. Feldman lose his little mind. He gets exposed to naked breasts repeatedly throughout the movie. The sister is like, “uh, let's move it along” and they head back. On the way they pick up a hitchhiker because insanity. There's a murderer on the loose who is slaughtering the shit out of everyone in your area and these two pick up a hitchhiker, bring him into their home, and take him up to the boy's room. They need to call the police. My dad would have already been waving his gun around. He is fine though. He seems homeless but ends up being a Jason expert. Jason is a fictional creature at this point on a three day killing-spree yet here we have an expert.

Eventually get to it here. These twin chicks, who they picked up in town or something, are there coming on a little strong with all the dudes except the high one with the vagina lips. One of them straight up steals one chick's boyfriend. The way the girl friend deals with is to go skinny dipping because that happens. It might've been like a last ditch effort to save the relationship. Swims to a little inflatable boat alone. Jason jumps out of the water and stabs her through the bottom of it. Not the best kill. Her boyfriend grows a conscience inside and comes out to look for her. Takes off his shirt. Little Jean shorts he's wearing go up to his nipples. Sees the dead chick. Swims back to the dock where Jason stabs him with a harpoon in the dick. Back in the cabin, Glover improbably gets laid by one of the twins, must have won her over with his dance moves. Other twin decides to bike home. See her shadow get stabbed with a spear again. Post sex, Glover asks the girl if he is a dead fuck. Aggressively kisses the girls when she says it was excellent. He's going to celebrate with a bottle of wine but can't find the corkscrew. Jason stabs it into his hand in the meat cleaver is his face. Eventually the rest of the redshirts get killed off. Some of them are okay but I won't go into detail.

Here are some things... The dog hasn't been in the movie since long before Jason showed up but suddenly and for no reason jumps out the window. Like through the glass and everything. Was that a suicide? Completely random and totally insane. Does not get addressed. Also, the mom is missing, she was walking around outside and screamed or something, but that goes unexplained. Sister is out looking for her while Feldman walks about the house like an idiot. She comes to the expert's camp. The homeless guy freaks out she is in his tent which he machetes like an idiot. Once the sister comes back to the house, the one that the kids are staying in, with the Jason expert, the maniac instantly attacks him. He just stands there and takes all these lashes while yelling, “he's killing me! He's killing me!” I shit you negative, he was fucking screaming that. So he obviously dies. But the sister does the thing where she sort of runs, gets just out of sight, stops, then runs back to check on the guy that is clearly dead. This is standard Friday the 13th survivor girl behavior but she makes it out. Jason has blocked each entrance with the body of one of his victims. She jumps out the window and runs home at maximum effort. She is flying. Jason comes out. Sees the dude he has crucified the railing of the side door. Just pulls him off with the nail through the guy's hands pealing flesh away. It is a nice little touch. 

She goes back to the house and finds Feldman. Jason busts through a window while she is telling him about it and grabs Feldman. The sister goes fucking apeshit on Jason with a hammer. This girl is all out. She deserves to live, damnit. She is tough as shit though not the smartest. Jason is just exploding through front doors at this point. They lock themselves in a bedroom and just wait for him to bust in. Nail him with a TV. She gets cornered and dives out of the second story window. They show the landing and all that. It is fucking brutal. Feldman was supposed to leave. She comes back. He is there cutting his hair. It is fucking weird. She is like, “WTF, man?” She machetes Jason's hand. It's a nice effect. Meanwhile, Feldman is Bicing his long ass hair with a disposable. Yeah, unlikely. If this were real life, either Feldman would have bled to death from self-inflicted razor wounds or he'd want to die that would be so painful. Sister is fighting Jason, she is beating the shit out him. This actress is really just going at it. Feldman distracts him by looking so weird. This gives the sister enough time to whack him, knocking off his mask. See his face. Again, completely different. Now Feldman picks up the machete and gives Jason a chop to the head. He falls. His face slides down the blade. It's a pretty cool effect. 

No way Jason comes back from that! Yeah, he twitches. Feldman sees it and is not fucking around and goes on to machete him for a solid 20 seconds. Sister is screaming for him to stop, but why? So that's it. Jason is dead(ish) and Feldman is looking like he is going to become the next killer. Sort of a letdown of an ending for a supposedly last movie for the franchise. It was otherwise solid though and we all know there are a crap-ton more of these that get made over the next couple of years. 


Let's check in to see what MonsterVision host Joe Bob Briggs has to say... Yeah, didn't have the rights. 

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