Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Horns is the greatest movie of all time

Horns (2013) staring the Harry Potter man himself, one Daniel Radcliffe, follows a twentysomething who develops demonic powers and grows horns after being wrongly accused of the rape and murder of his girlfriend. Despite getting mostly shitty reviews, I consider this a solid addition to comedy-horror genre.

This is totally my type of movie. Joe Hill, son of Stephen King and writer of the kickass book NOS4A2, wrote the novel. It’s a little long (they probably could have cut a few of the 50 flashbacks) but it has a nice pace to it, they throw you right in, and they don’t feel the need to explain why this happens (I fucking hate movies that try to explain the unexplainable). Not as fun as say Detention (2011), which is amazing, but it has charm. I will definitely rewatch this movie.

Pros: Radcliffe is amazing. Works well with both horror and film noir tropes. Fun and compelling story. Heather Graham (Grr). Explode police head.

Cons: Too many flashbacks. A little too long. The GF is a terrible fucking actress.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: The beginning starts with a dream that sets up the relationship between Harry Potter and his girlfriend (the movie ends with the same scene taking the movie full circle, which is irritating) as one that looks solid. Then he wakes up to people outside his home, picketing, as everyone in the town believes he is getting away with a high profile type crime.

Now the town pariah, he meets up with a girl who is in love with him. They go home together from the bar she works at. He is wasted and does her. When he comes to, out of the blue, he is grows the horns. Here is where things go bananas. The girl from the bar murders these donuts saying the donuts are making her sick but she keeps eating them like a maniac. HP is all, “what the fuck is wrong with you? This is insane.”

So he goes to the doctor because horns. While there, everyone starts confessing and doing crazy shit while in his presence (a lady admits to doing her golf instructor, the most annoying kid ever talks about wanting to kick her mom in the face, the doctor and nurse do each other after snorting oxy instead of dealing with his horn situation). This happens constantly for the rest of the movie.

Start getting these flashbacks around here. At first they make you sort of nostalgic for adolescence (which is universally terrible) but eventually I start getting annoyed with these. But they set up the story and show that the main characters have been hanging together forever. They also present the early romance of HP and his GF and introduce Lee, HP’s lawyer who has always had a thing for the GF. Spoiler: Lee fucking killed her.

Goes to his mom and dad’s house. Not wise with his powers as walking truth serum. Mom was in the Twilight Zone and Breakdown. Dad was Dexter’s dad. They both fucking suck. Think he did it. Tell him they think he sucks.

Typical hostile take on the media and celebrity worship. The media are always evil. They are shouting the horrible shit they do and what not and HP tells them to beat the shit out of each other, winner gets and exclusive. Bedlam breaks out. Reporters beat each other with mikes, camera men joust with camcorders, male talking head chokes the shit out of a female talking head. It is insane. Sort of interesting considering Radcliffe’s runs with paparazzi but as a former unjustly hated journalist, I will say it's bullshit how they make us all out to be TMZ. Then there is Heather Graham—who looks great, just an older version of Annie Blackburn (her character from Twin Peaks), waitress uniform and all—who lies to the police in some really fucked up ways in hopes of getting on TV and being discovered. She wants to be a star. Has it all planned out. Wants to release a sex-tape and everything.

Full demon HP
In a more recent flashback, we go to HP asking his GF to marry him at the diner that HG works at. She thinks they should breakup instead. He freaks and storms out, leaving her there. Around here we learn HP's brother is a fucking asshole. He and Lee were both sort of hanging around to celebrate the engagement but when it went south they both thought, hey, rebound. Basically, HP's circle is constantly trying to sexually assault this lady.

So HP eventually embraces his new powers which include controlling snakes. It gets to the point where he goes full demon.Skipping to the end, Lee is just slaughtering everyone and acting like a maniac. They have this friend they call meat bag or something gross who is closeted homosexual cop. He shows up to arrest Lee, pulling a shotgun on him. Him and Lee fight over it or something and Lee ends up sort of accidentally blowing this dude's head completely off. It explodes like a Tarantino movie. Anyway, now with his powers in check and completely demoned out, HP goes after lee and horns in the heart. Still sort of alive, the snakes come and lock him down. Finally the sort of snake leader comes and busts through the wound, coming out the other end, then finally like skull fucking dude and going down into his entrails. It was sort of a cheesy end to an otherwise great movie.   

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