31 Days of Halloween: Underrated Vampire: Near Dark: The Best Neo-Western Vampire Film You Are Ever Going to See

 Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow - 1987

 

★★★★★-Day 13 of the Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Underrated vampire movie night. An ultraviolent vampire movie with neo-western elements and some serious acting chops directed by Kathryn Bigelow and penned by the guy that wrote The Hitcher, Eric Red. Plus you get a fan-fucking-tastic atmospheric synth soundtrack by Tangerine Dream. This is one of those best movies no one has ever seen deals. 
 
Gist is a small town Oklahoma bumpkin, Caleb Colton, gets himself entangled with a nomadic family of vampires after being bitten by mysterious drifter Mae. As Caleb deals with his transformation and the group’s extremely violent lifestyle, the film explores themes of loyalty, survival, and identity. 
 
The group of vampires has a True Knot from Stephen King’s The Shining sequel, Doctor Sleep, quality to them. Vagrants in an RV. Sort of feels like a Clive Barker movie. Not going to complain about that. 
 
Some of the people they kill sort of deserve it. Some don’t. Guys hitchhiking that immediately talk about rape, yeah, they have some shit coming to them. The truck driver just trying to drop a load. Not as deserving of death. His only crime is picking up hitchhikers, which is mad dangerous. He is super likeable and you hate to see him go. 
 

Directed by one of my favorites, Kathryn Bigelow. She has some real bangers with Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker (which also earned her an Academy Award for Best Director), Zero Dark Thirty, and one of my personal favorites, Point Break. Hell, my senior yearbook quote, “Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true,” was from Point Break. It’s the best surfer bank robber movie you are ever going to see. 

Adrian Pasdar from Heroes plays Caleb, the lead. He is pretty sleazy. A lot of the plot has to do with whether he will choose to live this violent, vagabond, outlaw lifestyle. The lovely Jenny Wright plays the love interest vampire that turns him. This is her largest and best roll. Somewhat forgotten, Wright carved out a nice little career but retired in the 1990s. Had a bit part in the Robin William/Glenn Close film The World According to Garp in 1982. She was part of the so-called “Brat Pack”, check out the documentary Brats to see how the moniker impacted all of their careers and mental health, because she worked with Anthony Michael Hall, Rob Loew, Eric Stoltz, and so on, and appeared in the film St. Elmo's Fire. She was also in the totally bananas The Lawnmower Man from 1992. She does do the horror convention circuit, signing autographs for a reasonable $25. It appears that she will also sign photos for free if you write to her, which is pretty freaking cool. Their relationship goes from a creepy guy practically whipping it out to them being tied together in what appears to be 15-20 minutes of driving around and trying to get laid.

Something of an Aliens reunion. You have Jenette Goldstein who play fan-favorite Vasquez. Bill Paxton who dropped “game over, man.” And Lance Henriksen, who was the android Bishop. One of the few to make it out “alive”. In Near Dark, they play Diamondback, Severen, and Jesse Hooker, the leader, respectively. All three of them are incredible.
 
Rounding out the cast are journeyman actor Tim Thomerson as Caleb’s dad, “that guy” actor Troy Evans in a bit part, and Joshua John Miller. Miller is a legit great for a child actor playing a several hundred-year-old night walker. He is, IMO, the creepiest vampire I’ve seen in any movie, by far. He is actually 100s of years old but trapped in this preteen state for eternity. Really fixates on the protagonist’s little kid sister. Giving off real molester energy. 
 
The ending is outrageously convenient and unbelievable. I’m not going to give it away, but I will say it does some shit that is definitively not how being a vampire works. These made-up creatures have rules! Only other knock is that some of the effects are cheap/dated, but are by no means the worst I’ve ever seen.
 
It was considered a box office bomb, bringing in $3.4 million on a $5 million budget, but has gained a bit of a cult following for its refreshing take on vampire lore and its atmospheric, gritty wild west style that is beautifully shot. Every shot is framed amazingly well as all the best westerns are. Plus, it is perfectly acted and super tense. 

31 Days of Halloween: Tetsuo: The Iron Man - A Surreal Dive into Industrial Body Horror

Tetsuo: The Iron Man - Shinya Tsukamoto - 1989

 

★★★★-Day 8 of the Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Body horror night. Went all out with this bizarre Japanese flick with this weird communicable cyborg thing going on. Imagery is beautiful, the “iron man” has this this industrial, modern art thing happening that I dig. Also, what’s a Japanese movie without a lot of phallic imagery? It’s like going to Tokyo on a rare Godzilla-free day. 

 

Not a lot to follow plot-wise. You are just in this world and going with it. That’s not to say it isn’t entertaining. It is funny/fun in a slapstick sort of way. I imagine director Shinya Tsukamoto gets a lot of Cronenberg and Lynch comparisons, but I also get a whiff of Sam Raimi.

 

Overall, well-acted, ugly beautiful, superbly stylish, and extremely interesting, though it kind of feels like a joke that you don’t quite get. Regardless, I can 100% say it is not like anything I’ve ever seen before. 

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - Steven Spielberg - 1989

★★★★-Same beats as the original dialed up and with Sean Connery. Love it, but maybe not as much as I did as a child. However, it's the funnest of all the Indiana Jones movies. Never regret revisiting this movie. 

Third installment of the original Indiana Jones trilogy. You know the gist. Set in 1938, the film follows Indiana's quest to rescue his kidnapped father, who's a scholar of the Holy Grail that's being held hostage by the Nazis who are also searching for the Grail. 

Directed by the Steven Spielberg. Written by Jeffrey Boam. Stars Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones and Sean Connery as Indiana's father. Also stars Alison Doody, Denholm Elliott, Julian Glover, River Phoenix, and John Rhys-Davies. 

Ford and Connery are both incredible. Them together is electric. Remember Doody being the hottest woman ever. She’s no Karen Allen. I guess hanging out with Leni Riefenstahl and the Fuhrer isn’t all that much of a turn on. Phoenix as Young Indiana wasn’t as great as I remembered. Opening conveniently explains Indiana’s chin scar, nickname, affinity for whips, fear of snakes, his hat and his catchphrase, “it should be in a museum."

Exposition isn’t quite as good as Raiders, but still solid. That's sort of how I feel about the whole flick. Really good, but not the classic that the first film is. 

I think the best part, which might be a little bit of an unpopular opinion, is the humor. First, Brody is hilarious. “I hate to interrupt you!” While Indiana flirts with Dr. Schneider. Love that he’s a vegetarian. Him stumbling around asking if anyone speaks English or ancient Greek. He is obviously not up to the challenge. Funny how he runs into Sallah. I’ve had stuff like that happen to me, running into the one person I knew that city of 7 million people. Catch him immediately. 

Connery, also hilarious. Some great one-liners. "It was rather wonderful," "so did I," "would you say this has been a typical day for you." So forth.

The whole bit in Austria was ridiculous. Indiana pretending to be a Scottish lord unconvincingly just keeps getting funnier. 

So... I was a student of medieval literature. Have to think it has something to do with this movie. Which brings me to a nitpick. The knight guarding the Grail should be speaking middle English or whatever. Yes, that would be weird, but come on. Plus, this guy has to be pretty disappointed. He is guarding the Grail for 700 years. Guy comes to relieve him. He looks like shit. He tells them to choose the Grail among the many cups in the room wisely, then that Nazi guy lets this woman choose for him. She chooses the closest one to her. Not a good call. He dies. Indiana gets the right one, of course, but he tells them specifically not to cross the seal. They immediately cross the seal. Place falls apart and he watches them as they leave him to die after the Grail is swallowed up by the earth. Thanks for coming! It's been real. 

Among the trio of Indiana Jones films, The Last Crusade is potentially my sentimental favorite, mostly because it is just so damn fun. It stands as an exceptionally well-crafted and irresistibly entertaining popcorn movie, brought to life by arguably the most dependable director of such films in American cinema history while at the peak of filmmaking abilities. You get your money's worth in terms of action, delight, and humor. I feel like an ingrate for shitting on it at all. Some may label it as shameless manipulation, but I still view it as a thrilling and captivating display of pure cinematic joy.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - Steven Spielberg - 1980

★★★★★-In contention for my favorite movie of all time. Probably is. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Story by George Lucas. Staring Harrison Ford and Karen Allen. John Williams score. What is not to love?

I've watched it around once a year every year that I can remember. I fantasized I was Indiana Jones as a child. I've seen it twice on the big screen and will go anytime a local theater plays it. This is the most important movie to both at young and now middle-aged AB. It's perfect. Also, seeing Nazis get theirs is my kink. 

Here are my observations over the years... I've been super conscious of exposition over the last few months. Since watching Aliens, basically. When it is done well, it is a thing of beauty. A recent film that comes to mind is Attachment. This film, however, is pure mastery. The scene where they explain to the government guys the Ark of the Covenant, which extends to the scene in Jones's home with Brody telling him “this is the Ark of the Covenant, not something to be taken lightly.” 

Maybe my favorite line of the movie is when Indiana Jones says, “It's not the years; it's the mileage.” Also love Marion Ravenwood's “You can't do this to me! I'm an American!” while she is being kidnapped just before one of the times she is almost blown up. 

Random notes: The big Nazi. Such a professional. Wakes up. Sees there is a fight going down. Pops his shirt off and is ready to go. The monkey reminds me of my cat, Richard Parker. Mischievous little shit. Some shit that makes me feel old. Paul Freeman, the guy that plays Belloq, is like five years younger than me in the movie. 

Snakes are definitely one of those things we are evolutionarily terrified of. Not many animals terrify me, just the usual. Bears and wasps. Bats, though I find them cute, I have an irrational fear of rabies. And of course snakes. I didn't think I was afraid of them, but running I've seen them in the wild and I jumped as high as I ever have in my life. So I feel Indy here. 

Soooo, while Indiana Jones is like the coolest, and Harrison Ford is the best looking man ever in this role, Marion Ravenwood is also so damn cool and Karen Allen so beautiful. I love the combo.

A lot of really interesting casting what-ifs. Jeff Bridges, Bill Murray, Nick Nolte, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Jack Nicholson, among others were considered for the title role. Tom Selleck more or less had it but did Magnum,P.I. Instead.There is a pretty famous and shitty screen test with him and Sean Young. That seemed to work out for everybody. Lucas wanted Debra Winger for Ravenwood, but she turned it down. Spielberg wanted his girlfriend Amy Irving (she was one of the mean girls in Carrie), but she left him for Willie Nelson. Some actress named Stephanie Zimbalist and Barbara Hershey were also considered. 

The two most interesting what-ifs, for me, are Danny DeVito in the role of Sallah (played by John Rhys-Davies), and Klaus Kinski for the leather clad Nazi (maybe take off the leather duster in the desert, ya know?) Toht (played by Ronald Lacey because he reminded Spielberg of Peter Lorre). They wanted DeVito as someone like the title character from Gunga Din. Both were offered the roles, but had prior engagements. 

This movie is perfect, but there are two things I'll address. First, I used to read a lot of movie novelizations as a kid. This included most of Spielberg's movies through Hook. Raiders was one that cleared a major issue up that friends in the fourth grade complained about. Namely that Jones survives the submarine ride across the Mediterranean. In the novelization (and a deleted scene), it is explained that the sub stays on the surface. U-boats rarely submerged during peacetime. Submerging was primarily for combat situations due to the limitations of battery power and electric motors, with a maximum of two hours submerged. Plus the water would have been pretty warm. 

Minor nitpick that survives. Belloq should have known that Ark would kill everyone. In an undergrad religion class I learned this. Both 2 Samuel 6:3-8 and 1 Chronicles 13:7-11 tell of the tragic fate of Uzzah at the hands of the Ark. Gist of this tale is he accompanied the cart carrying the Ark as David brought it to Jerusalem. However, when the oxen stumbled, causing the Ark to tilt, Uzzah instinctively reached out to steady it, unknowingly transgressing divine law. As a consequence, the Lord promptly smote him. So, yeah, don't fuck with that shit. 

Raiders of the Lost Ark stands as the extraordinary American adventure film. It is brimming with humor, ingenuity, and style. It masterfully combines heroic escapades, thrilling cliffhangers, and exhilarating chases, all infused with a delightful blend of nostalgia and cleverness drawn from the golden age of World War II pulp thrillers, comic books, and serials. From its very first frame, this cinematic gem seizes your attention, propelling you on a relentless journey of awe-inspiring exploits. As the credits roll, you find yourself transported back to reality utterly spent and grinning. Wouldn't have gotten that with Selleck, just saying. This is the reason I go to the movies. 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Steven Spielberg - 1984

★★★★-Not my favorite of the series, and problematic, but still fun as shit. Heard a lot of it's too mean-spirit commentary, which I get but sort of disagree with. Also, I love Short Round, played by Oscar-winner Ke Huy Quan from The Goonies and Everything Everywhere All At Once. 

First scene is insane but amazing. I feel that it doesn't get better than that. Something I noticed this time, in the middle of it, Dr. Jones punches a woman in the face for no reason. 

He also javelins a guy with a flaming duck on a skewer. Ends with Dan Akroyd leading them onto a plane owned by the guy that tried to kill them in the club. Which brings me to something that irritates me. Indiana was getting nothing out of the deal and was leaving the country. Why try to kill him at that point? You are wasting a perfectly functioning plane in the 1930s. I don't imagine that's cheap, but whatever. 

This is the first time I’ve watched this since learning a little bit about Hinduism. It’s basically Shiva worshipers versus Kali worshipers. In college, I took this religious studies class that everyone called “the death class.” It was called something like “Meanings in Finality.” Anyway, we watched a short documentary about a member of a certain type of Kali worshiper. He was considered the lowest of all casts. Untouchable to the untouchables, as they say. This guy lived off dead bodies dumped in the River Ganga, a practice with religious significance for Hindus. He scavenged, burned bodies, painted himself white with the ash, made bowls out of skulls, dining utensils out of leg bones, so forth. It was really fascinating. I think about that every time I watch this movie. Speaking of getting Hindus wrong, the dinner scene is insane. Hindus eating live animals and monkeys goes against their whole belief structure. Not the most accurate portrayal, is all I'm saying. There are voodoo dolls in this movie, for shit's sake. 

Friend of mine pointed out that the actor who played the evil Indian prime minister is the same guy who played Indian Prime Minister Nehru in Gandhi. I commented that Gandhi too was known for punching women in the face as he abused his wife. My friend then said he was probably pretty hangry. 

Anyway, that Kate Capshaw is a looker. Her and Doctor Jones sexual banter is pretty great and totally juvenile. They basically say “I’m in authority in mating customs, love rituals, primitive sexual practices with years of fieldwork.” Her character is widely panned for being shrill and irritating. Both Spielberg and Lucas were both going through breakups at the time and weren't the biggest fans of women in general, which shows. 

Some stuff I noticed over the years. Indiana has a very uncool run that kills me every time I see it at a critical part of the movie. I called it his “old man run.” 

Turns out he was in terrible back pain. Also, the giant guard that he gets it on with is played by the same actor that he gets it on with in the first movie. The big German that gets chopped up in the propeller of the plane. 

Crimes of Passion - Ken Russell - 1984

★★★★-A slapsticky erotic thriller. This movie is insane, even by my standards. It's pretty much a farce. Reminded me of Jim Jarmusch doing soft-core pornography. I didn't hate it, but it's crazy that I watched this on the Criterion Channel.

Gist is one Joanna Crane (played by Kathleen Turner) is a successful fashion designer by day and a prostitute that goes by China Blue by night. China Blue is one extremely imaginative prostitute, basically catering to every guy's fantasy. Engages in simulated rape, dresses up as the Statue of Liberty, violently pegs a cop (who spits on her after sex), so forth. She even gets hired by a woman whose husband is dying, and she wants him to get laid before he dies. It's really sad. His wife doesn't want to go near him because of his sickness. Guy does look pretty close to death. Turns out the actor lived another 30 years, dying at 93. 

Directed by one Ken Russell. Never seen any of his movies. Apparently they are out there. 

Anthony Perkins is a real creep with escalating violence. He's a perv preacher. “I'm here for your benefit!” he screams at her before telling her about watching people die and serenading her with “Get Happy.” 

Never seen the main beefcake guy before, one John Laughlin. Anthony Perkins kicks his ass at one point. Big muscles, but little functional strength, I guess. This guy is not great, though his performance has moments of hilarity. Does the thing with a prostitute that happens in movies where the guy says, “that was real, I know you felt it too.” Yeah, sure bud. Like every dude she sleeps with in her various costumes says the same shit. She is very good at her job, you see. I would think this is more high-class call-girl stuff, but her world is pretty grimy. He tells her, “I wish I could tell my wife about the way you make me feel.” I wouldn't recommend it. Then he says that she would say “it's all just part of my imagination.” Turner says that it was, and sends him off on his way, back home to Annie Potts. 

This guy is really something. Puts a hot dog through the pee-hole of his shorts. Does a “magic act” that consists of him tying basketballs to his ankles, popping his shirt off, and being a "human penis." Highly recommend checking this scene. Cheats on his wife and comes home and treats her like shit. Blames her for their sexual problems. This piece of shit I'm sure really turns on the ladies. Fucking child. “I'll grow up when I'm ready,” he says. Again, huge turn on. Pretty quickly, wouldn't you know it, he's single again, ladies!

Favorite line in the movie is: “She's not a slut. She went to Ohio State!” “Every two years they let a slut into Ohio State. Her timing was just good.” Completely insane ending with an even more insane last line that I shan't give away.

It gets pretty graphic at times. So heads up. Though the film is crazy and seems pretty weird for everyone involved, Turner and Perkins both spoke well of the director and the experience. Perkins even got ordained and married the director and his girlfriend at the wrap party. I definitely recommend it, for the whole family even. 

The Beyond - Lucio Fulci - 1981

★★★-Gateway to hell in the basement of a hotel movie. “Southern Gothic” as it takes place in New Orleans, though it is directed by an Italian with actors from fucking everywhere. 

Directed by the infamous Lucio Fulci, who was known for treating everyone on set, especially women, like shit. He worked in various genres in a career that spanned nearly five decades. You know, comedy, Spaghetti Westerns, action, so forth. But he garnered a cult following for his giallo and horror flicks, mainly remembered for his “Gates of Hell” trilogy, of which this film is the second. The other two are City of the Living Dead (1980) and The House by the Cemetery (1981). 

The film doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. Dream logic flick. Voiceover makes it make even less sense. 

It's a pretty brutal movie. A child sees her mother killed by acid when going to identify the body of her father. There is a crucifixion, eye trauma (hes known for eye trauma), multiple deaths by acid, a woman whose seeing eye dog saves her from a zombie attack then turns into a zombie and rips out her throat, and a child, the one who watched her mom die, who gets her head blown off in graphic detail. Fulci apparently hated the child, accused her of being a drug addict, and maybe abused her. Harsh. The guy who does the deed had absolutely no hesitation in shooting her in the face, which I applaud. “She was a zombie?”

This male lead, played by one David Warbeck, is a good looking dude. Kind of a cross between Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery. British stage-trained actress Catriona MacColl stars. She is mostly remembered for this trilogy. The actress Cinzia Monreale plays the blind woman. She's remember for her work with Fulci and fellow Italian Joe D'Amato, notably in the film Beyond the Darkness. Her and Fulci famously did not get along. She is a really pretty lady. 

After treading on being a somewhat cerebral movie for the first three/fourths, the movie ends with a full on zombie attack out of nowhere. They go to the hospital which is overrun with zombies from the morgue or these are all patients, it does matter. Then they open a door, descend a staircase, and are back in the basement of the hotel. “Impossible,” they say. Dream logic. 

The end comes when the couple walk into Hell. What did they think would happen? Not great, but I was intrigued. It's grown on me since watching the other night, for sure. Still, not something I'd recommend to anyone off the street. 

Aliens - James Cameron - 1986

★★★★★-Might be the greatest sequel of all time. Takes the world/premise of the first movie and dials it way up. Plus, no one is better at subtly shitting on corporations than James Cameron. All of his movies are a soulless corporate entity focused on profits to the extreme, causing preventable death to completely innocent people (or aliens or whatever) on a massive level. My kind of dude. With this flick, he goes all out with it and when in doubt, throws a couple exploding aliens in there. Incredible. 

To hammer this home, the first half hour of this movie is the most brutal shit a character has ever had to endure mentally. After floating in space in stasis for close to 60 years instead of the eight weeks she was expecting, Ripley wakes up to find her daughter got old and died. She is then forced to explain why she destroyed company property and gets fired and her space license revoked. They treat her like a criminal and even talk jail time. Then, when she suggests they check out the planet, a suit tells here that there are people there now! 60–70 families. “No complaints from them.” She immediately knows they are all going to die. Some real heavy shit to wake up to. Just put me back into stasis, Jesus fuck. 

Wrote a paper in college about this movie for a religion in film course I took. We all had to present on a couple of the predetermined movies. No one wanted this one because it took real work to make something of it. Intellectually confident as I was by senior year, I took this on by choice. Back as a stupid freshman, I dated a girl that was more or less identical to Ripley in this flick after the haircut. We did not have a good breakup and I harbored let's say dislike (she broke up with me because she thought I was a shitty writer, which has like always been MY thing, don't ya know, so I hated her) and I kind of held it against Ripley. So my take was siding with the Xenomorphs, which fucking killed. “They didn't ask to be born killing machines, they aren't the evil ones, they are just following their instincts in fighting this hostile group encroaching on their territory.” Lot of stuff like that with a bunch of digs on Bill Paxton. When I graduated, the professor from that class, one of only two classes I got A+s in, wrote me a letter saying he hopes I continue being a voice for “the other,” which was one of the best compliments I've ever gotten, and I think about often. I feel this way with damn near every creature feature I watch these days. Down with the status quo, I say! Rip that guy's head off, Cocaine Bear!

Admittedly, the Ripley-Newt relationship is surprisingly touching though, which makes it hard to all out root for their deaths, though I managed. She's sweet for a feral child, she won the “Citizenship Award” for her second grade class. I, too, won the citizenship award in second grade. I was opinionated and still loathed everyone, but I was much quieter about all that back then. It wasn't until high school that I realized I was also hilarious and developed my barbed wit and general gift of gab. So, yeah, on a related note, I've been in my fair share of tussles since ye olde citizen boy award of 1989 with that combination. The most terrifying part of the movie is when Newt is in the like sewage system or whatever with chest level water and the inevitable happens. Spoiler. Also, back to the movie, I thought Newt was the same feral child in Mad Max 2 aka The Road Warrior until adulthood. 

Remember them being in space a lot more. Most of the movie takes place on the ground with this nuclear disaster looming with blue lightning and everything. What this series is pretty much. Trying to get out and kill the aliens before wherever they are explodes. Anywho, this is why the marines can't use guns at one point, which is eventually ignored. Plot science at its finest, “you can't fire bullets, you're inside a nuclear reactor!” So it's basically go in there and die, which they do. 

It was probably crazy to see a bunch of aliens back when this came out. But I saw this before the original and was sort of surprised and let down the first time I saw the Ridley Scott movie as a kid with it just being the one. Something nuts, Cameron only had six Xenomorph costumes. It looks like there are hundreds. I shit you negative on this. Plus, we get the first queen, which is just amazing. 

Cast is nuts. Stars Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley, of course. As an athlete, I love critiquing running form in film. And not a good runner, Sigourney Weaver. Form is beyond terrible. Worse than Harrison Ford's old man run in The Temple of Doom. Still looks great in underpants and a tank top though. Also get Bill Paxton, Michael Biehn from The Terminator and Tombstone, Paul Reiser from Mad About You, Lance Henriksen from Pumpkinhead who is probably most remembered from this flick and his character Frank Black from The X-Files its dope spinoff Millennium, and Carrie Henn as Newt. 

A little on Michael Biehn. I pretty much love every movie this guy is in. Bought a lot of stock in him after The Abyss, but it never really happened for him. 

The film, I'm sure everyone knows, has a happy ending. Yay! But then after another crazy long stasis we get bold Ripley in Alien 3 and see that the kid and Biehn died and there were facehuggers all over the ship. Boo. 

The one-two punches that both Ridley Scott and James Cameron had after their first movies in this franchise are unmatched. Scott made Alien and then Blade Runner (a top 10 all time), then Cameron makes The Terminator followed by Aliens. He also wrote the screenplay for Rambo: First Blood Part II during this same period. Fucking sick. 

Body Double - Brian De Palma - 1984

★★★-Body Double. An old favorite from 1984, a real banner year for trash films, aka my brand. Love a neo-noir. I was a Brian De Palma super fan, but fear I've outgrown him. Didn't quite like it as much as I did as a younger person. Last saw it around 20 years ago. 

Gist is one Jake Scully (played by Bill Maher lookalike Craig Wasson) is an out-of-work actor who is going through a rough patch in his life after catching his girlfriend cheating on him. However, things turn around when he moves into a new apartment sublet by a new actor buddy (played by Gregg Henry whose still around, most notably playing Peter Quill's [aka Star-Lord] grandfather in the Guardians of the Galaxy flicks) and becomes obsessed with a beautiful woman (played by Deborah Shelton, whom I've not seen in anything else) who does nightly sexy dancing from the window of her nearby home. While creeping on her, he sees another uglier creep and grows concerned, eventually witnessing the woman's murder. Which is all to say that main creep dude becomes entangled in a web of deceit and danger as he investigates the murder and attempts to protect the woman he has been spying on. You know, typical thriller stuff. Along the way, he meets a pornographic actress named Holly Body (Melanie Griffith) who helps him in his investigation after figuring out she was involved. 

The flick is known for its stylish direction, suspenseful plot, and references to other films, particularly Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window and Vertigo. It was apparently controversial at the time of its release due to its explicit content which involves the porn industry, however, the peeping stuff is more unsettling these days.

Overall, Body Double is a tense and visually stunning thriller that showcases De Palma's distinctive style and flair for suspense. However, the plot is ludicrous and features extra sleaze. The last 20 minutes are comically outrageous. It's not nearly as great as I remembered. 

Quick shoutout to Barbara Crampton. She's one of my faves. You might remember from various Stuart Gordon movies like Re-Animator, From Beyond, and Castlefreak. Also the Ti West movie You're Next. 

This is her big screen debut. She's naked for the entirety of her performance. Also, Dennis Franz from NYPD Blue plays a bit part. He's an asshole B-movie director. 

Inferno - Dario Argento - 1980

★★★- Found it pretty boring. Beautifully shot but the action is meh. Not a lot happens. Style over substance. Was sort of a chore to get through. 

Didn’t like the cat attack scene. Giving little baby kitties a bad name. 

In typical Argento/giallo fashion, when I think the movie is wrapping it up, I check the time remaining and there’s still a half hour left. Gotta save room for the 17 twists you tack on to the end, I guess. 

There is a guy in this movie that has the most insane unibrow of anyone I’ve ever seen (yet still somehow doesn’t run away with the most absurd eyebrows in the movie award). He makes Anthony Davis look like one of us normals. He has more hair between his eyes so that he does on his head. Plus he is a cat killer. So yeah pretty much hate this movie.

Demons - Lamberto Bava (Cowritten by Dario Argento) - 1985

★★★★- Yeah, even though it’s called “Demons“, I thought it was giallo just based on the director and it being dubbed and all that shit. Adjacent, I guess you could say. This is full on supernatural horror. 

Gist is a mask causes a zombie outbreak at a movie premiere. Love a movie within a movie. The mask is completely unexplained, which is interesting. I like movies that just throw you in it like this. Anyway, the mask is featured in the movie and causes a zombie outbreak. If you know that, you know, maybe don’t bring it to the premier people to touch and what not. 

When shit goes down in the theater people don’t really notice because the screaming on the screen drowns out the real screams. Once a zombie/demon (these terms are interchangeable here) busts through the screen, it is too late. Obviously inspired the opening scene from Scream 2. 

Zombie kills are nuts. OG zombie vs. samurai sword movie. Plus some cool zombie vs. helicopter blade action.

Love the scene where a guy screams “smash everything“ repeatedly before smashing everything. He seems to be a pimp, maybe. He’s the only one who knows how to deal with the situation. Gives some orders and when people don’t follow them, he tells them they aren’t worth a shit. I identify, bra. These people get him killed. A real shame. 

Overall, super solid and at times legit terrifying with a lot of Cronenberg-esque body horror. If you’re looking for a disgusting, fast 90-minute movie with a killer punk/hair metal soundtrack, and lots of twists and turns, this has you covered.

Scanners is the greatest movie of all time

Scanners. "We're gonna do this the scanner way. I'm gonna suck your brain dry! Everything you are is gonna become me. You're gonna be with me Cameron, no matter what. After all, brothers should be close, don't you think?"

Directed by David Cronenberg in 1981, I consider this his masterpiece. This movie doesn’t fuck around. Gets weird immediately and just keeps moving toward some real shit. The famous head explosion happens in the first 10 minutes, a real surprise. Don’t even know who anybody is at that point. 

Does an incredible job of world-building, no wasted time. Still is clear without exposition. Cronenberg is a master filmmaker. Special effects are out of this world. Cronenberg is the guy for body horror. Has a lot of that. Bulging veins and bleeding, eyes popping out, so forth. 

Main character, Stephen Lack, is a pretty good actor. Reminds me of the guy from the outsider. Doesn’t act anymore. He is now a painter. The guy who plays Revok, Michael Ironside, is a poor man’s Jack Nicholson. He is outstanding. 

Word of advice. If you’re pumping gas and a telephone wire spontaneously burst into flames, don’t pull the pump out of the car so it pours onto the ground under said burning wire. 

Ending is pretty weird and ambiguous. Awesome flick.

The Stepfather is the greatest movie of all time

The Stepfather. Gist is a dude marries into a family, gets overbearing, and when his stepdaughter fails to live up to his expectations, he goes into a homicidal rage. Multiple times. His expectation you ask? Not dating until she’s 18. Though her boyfriend is a huge dick, and I wouldn’t want him making out with my step kid either, this is obviously extreme behavior.

Movie stars Terry O’Quinn, he’ll always be John Locke to me, as the stepfather. My man is really going for it here. Really hammering home the whole “we are a family, we have to stay together” schtick. 

There’s an unconventional detective guy that’s trying to track him down. Not really sure what this guy is like job is, but he takes it upon himself to take down John Locke. Played by Stephen Shellen, a poor man’s Nathan Fillion. He comes in every room hot. Some serious coked up energy.

Director Joseph Ruben had a pretty solid career but stopped making movies. Also did Dreamscape (a childhood favorite), Money Train, The Good Son, and Sleeping with the Enemy.

Pretty fun movie. The ending is something. Stabbing, shooting, punching, falling through ceilings. Chopping down bird houses. 

There is an extremely gratuitous nude scene from the 16-year-old high school stepdaughter girl like in the last 10 minutes of the movie which was shocking. Played by one Jill Schoelen. She apparently broke Brad Pitt’s heart before he was Brad Pitt. She thought she was too good for Brad Pitt. Gonna let that sink in. She has a pretty young lady though.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension is the worst movie of all time

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. "Shut up, John Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know." What a weird movie. This was one of an ex-girlfriend's favorite movies. Here, 15 years after we broke up, I've finally got around to watching it. 

Gist is that a world-famous crime-fighting brain surgeon, rock star, adventurer test pilot and his team  must stop evil inter-dimensional aliens called the Red Lectroids (basically lizard people) set on infiltrating American society to conquer the world. 

Released in 1984 the flick was produced and directed by W. D. Richter, who directed one other movie, Late for Dinner, which I have seen. It's about two young men running from the law who get accidentally cryogenically frozen in the early 1960s before waking in the 1990s. Drama ensues. It is fucking terrible. He also wrote the screenplay for Big Trouble in Little China, the John Carpenter flick. Anyway, back to Buckaroo Banzai. It stars Peter Weller (the robocop in Robocop) in the title role. Also in the film are Ellen Barkin (This Boy's Life), Jeff Goldblum, John Lithgow (who looks like the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow), and Christopher Lloyd also playing major parts. 

Lot of that guy actors, most notably John Lacey who plays the POTUS. He was Toht, the disgusting Nazi guy whose face melted in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. He is completely unrecognizable. Others include Clancy Brown (most people think of him as the asshole guard in The Shawshank Redemption), Dan Hedaya (Nick Tortelli from Cheers), and Vincent Schiavelli (who was famous for being weird-looking), among others.

I know the movie sounds fun, but it's all over the goddamn place. However, there is some charm in that and it has a crazy cult following. It has its moments, but its not my cup of tea. Perhaps if I was more into sci-fi. 

Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time

If he dies, he dies. Holy shit this movie is amazing. Watched it on Election Day because I needed something that could get me to believe in America again. This did it. Then a few days later, the results came in. I'm proud of you, America. We did it. Watched Rocky single-handedly defeat the Russians, and then Biden did that shit again.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Rocky IV inflates the action to absurd heights, but it ultimately rings hollow thanks to a story that hits the same basic beats as the first three entries in the franchise.

Gist of the movie is that Soviet boxer Ivan Drago played by Dolph Lundgren beats Rocky's best friend, Apollo Creed played by Carl Weathers, to death during an exhibition match. This match is fucking incredible. Creed comes out dancing to James Brown singing "Living in America." James Brown is absolutely on fire here. Fictional people that were at this fictional fight got one hell of a show. First, they basically got a 10-minute insane James Brown concert, then they got to watch Apollo Creed die. Hell of a date night. Anyway, so Rocky decides come out of retirement to fight Drago in Russia, for no money, on Christmas, much to the shock of wife Adrian (Talia Shire). "You're doing what now?" In the next movie, we see Rocky is broke by the by. Maybe Adrian was right to be pissed about this, ya know? But nobody, even Adrian, thinks Rocky can win. But after repeated montages and truly impressive CompuBox numbers, he does and wins the Cold War for America in the process. Also, Uncle Paulie has a butler/sex robot that later goes on tour with James Brown. I shit you negative. Greatest film of all time. 

Maybe the most mumbly movie of all time, with Stallone and Lundgren, this shit consists of 33% montage. In one he climbs a mountain, for fuck's sake, with no equipment and wearing a light jacket in the Russian wilderness. 

Playing Drago's wife in the movie is Brigitte Nielsen who is actually smoking hot. Seeing her in her Flava of Love years is shocking after watching this. She is said to be an Olympic Gold Medalist swimmer at the 1980 games held in Russia. Totally on steroids. Her and Drago have a kid who also grows up to kick ass in Creed 2, but this bitch has left Drago for a higher-up at the Kremlin. Meanwhile, Drago's life is dark and in fucking shambles. 

Stallone, who has to be roided out of his mind here, is the MVP of the movie. Wrote, starred, directed a perfect movie. 40% on Rotten Tomatoes my ass. 

Hack-O-Lantern is the worst movie of all time

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1988 straight to video, if that tells you anything. Wouldnt have finished it if it weren't on Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-In. Even then it was something of a chore. Diana Prince, aka Darcy the Mail Girl, was really unimpressed. "You should have shown another movie." It's MST3K bad without the riffing to get you through it. Had to supply a lot of our own to not go mad. 

Gist of the movie is that this maniac of a grandfather/pumpkin patch proprietor is secretly this satanic cult leader whose group sacrifices folks on Halloween night. He also practices incest and fathers a child with his daughter. That child, this little blonde kid, is being groomed to take over the cult and grows up to be Mac's dad from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

Some shit to watch out for... Lots of nudity. All gratuitous. Some of the ladies are pretty attractive, too, surprisingly. Odd number of breasts, which is always fun. The blonde child from early in the movie looks exactly like the brother of Mac's dad and nothing like Mac's dad. It could be that guy's son. 

Gramps kills his granddaughter's BF after getting trapped in a recently dug grave. Instead of burying him in, you know, the deep ass grave, we later see that dude was buried next to the hole in a dirt mound, which was an interesting choice. Making Love in All the Wrong Places: Hack-O-Lantern features a cop having sex with a girl right on top of a freshly dug grave. Later, a girl bones a guy on the mound and mistakes a corpse's exposed hand for her lover's. Insanely, the girl then shows her friend exactly where she had sex at where they find the corpse, who is the other chick's BF. 

Some other dumb shit includes the four times I thought the movie was over but then it just kept going on. Lots of pump fakes. Hate a pump fake. Also, Gramps thinks he is making the sign of the devil and making the pentagram in the air like a Catholic would cross himself, but he is really making the sign for "I love you." WTF. 

Worst offender of all, maybe, is the name Hack-O-Lantern. Like, why? Has nothing to do with anything that happens in the movie. Waste of a perfectly good title. 

Only real positive I have is that the band is pretty solid. The director, one Jag Mundhra, came out of Bollywood which seems to pretty much always have more or less music videos in the movie (at least the few movies I've seen playing at Indian restaurants). I guess this came out of that style. Band was D.C. La Croix, metal but not metal AF. Total MVP of the movie. 

Child's Play is the greatest movie of all time

Andy remember, friends stick together till the end... This is the end, friend! Franchise that immediately gets into the cheese, Child's Play is camp all the way. There are some genuinely scary moments, like when the mom opens Chucky's battery compartment and there are no batteries in it. But how serious can you take a movie with a killer My Buddy? Pretty sure I'm taking that little fucking thing. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Child's Play occasionally stumbles across its tonal tightrope of comedy and horror, but its genuinely creepy monster and some deft direction by Tom Holland makes this chiller stand out on the shelf.

Gist is a kid gets a popular doll for his birthday from his mother which she bought from a homeless guy. Except it came with the option possessed soul of a serial killer, one Charles Lee Ray. Serial killer does what he does. Like that serial killer Charles Lee Ray is really into the dark arts and murder is just sort of his side hustle. I think he's more driven to murder to fulfill his magic and revenge than getting off on it like a real serial killer. 

Directed by one Tom Holland. He hasn't really done a lot of movies but did do this cult classic and one of my absolute faves in Fright Night. Both of these flicks are so fucking fun. 

Stars Brad Dourif as Chucky. Dude is a legitimate actor. Was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, stared in the John Huston adaptation of Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood (what's not to love there), Dune (1984), Blue Velvet, Exorcist III (one of the better threequels in horror), and the Lord of the Rings movies. I feel he is one of the best that guys out there. Alex Vincent plays the little kid Andy. Meh. Catherine Hicks plays the mom. She was apparently the mom on the show 7th Heaven. Never watched it though. And Chris Sarandon, who is the vampire whose sweater game is on point in Fright Night. 

Probably going to give the MVP to Sarandon. I like the way he plays the cop. Guy just doesn't have time for any of this bullshit and thinks everyon is crazy, even though he killed CLR and caught him trying to put his soul in a doll. See this exchange: 

Det. Mike Norris: Mrs. Barclay what are you doing back here?

Karen Barclay: Andy was telling the truth. Chucky is alive and he killed Eddie Caputo. 

Det. Mike Norris: What? 

Karen Barclay: I took him home to my apartment, I was about to throw away the box when we came in, the batteries fell out. Don't you see? He's been moving and talking for days without any batteries in him. 

Det. Mike Norris: What are you talkin' about? 

Karen Barclay: How I found out the doll was alive. See, I threatened to throw him in the fireplace. When all of a sudden, he came alive in my hand. I dropped him and then he ran out of the apartment.

Yeah, don't nobody got time for this bullshit, you crazy bitch. Turns out she was right though. She is a close second to MVP as well. She is as hysterical as you'd expect someone to be if this shit were really going down.  

Trick or Treat (1986) is the worst movie of all time

Demonic beasts. Whatever happened to the good old simple love song? "I love you." That's what good words use. Nowadays they have to write some sickness. It's just absoultely sick and bizarre... This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert.

Before I watched this, the idea I had in my head was that Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons had some evil rock off. That is not what this is about. The two of them, Ozzy and Simmons, have about two minutes of total screentime combined. Obvious that both filmed their parts in one take and were on set for 10 minutes. Ozzy plays a televangelist railing about the evils of rock. The above is a rant he goes on. His shit is broken up into two scenes but the second was an extension of the first rant and then he is murdered through the TV. Simmons seems like he is going to show up again at the end, he plays a radio DJ, when the main characters go to the radio station. Seeing how this shit is going though, you know he will have been killed off by the time they get there and he is, turned to dust. Couldn't get him a second time, obviously. But both these guys throw 100 miles an hour every second they are on screen. Simmons doesn't blink and is intense as shit. I assume he was coked out of his mind. Ozzy is funny for railing against how evil heavy metal is. But those two minutes do not save the movie. Overall, it was bad. Plus there is some ghost rape in here that was really disgusting. Worst movie of all time. An incredible amount of blue lightning though. 

Totally normal

Gist of the movie is that a bunch of raging meatheads bully the fuck out of this teenager, one Eddie Weinbauer played by Marc Price, who is devastated when his heavy metal idol, Sammi Curr played by Tony Fields, dies in a freak Satanic ritual. You know, like normal people. But Sammi comes back to life through the playing of the only copy of his last record, which Eddie has on loan. At first Sammi helps Eddie with his bullying problem, but then ends up just rampaging and killing whoever, eventually turning on Eddie and his new little girlfriend, played by Lisa Orgolini, who I've never seen. Actually, other than the two rockers, I've never seen anyone in this movie except for Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure who has a bit part. 

Though the movie was complete trash, it was fun in a very, very trashy way. Never going to watch it again, but I'm glad this is what I spent an October COVID Friday doing. Marc Price is definitely the MVP. He does pretty well with the in-over-his-head bullied teen bit. He never really becomes cool or anything, which is a relief, but does start dating a cute a little chick who just lie starts to appreciate his weirdness. Tony Fields, on the other hand, is playing some serious hero ball. Might be worth watching just for his crazy dancing. I'd say maybe just watch that part, which you can see here. This song I've not been able to get out of my head either, which is unfortunate. Quite the earworm. 

Evil Dead II is the greatest movie of all time

I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!... Swallow this. I've seen this maybe more than any other movie. It's between this or Repo Man. Watch it every fall. Probably somewhere in the ballpark of 30 viewings. Had it on VHS, DVD, BluRay, digital. Have watched every featurette, the commentary, interviews. I adore this flick. Absolutely on my Mount Rushmore. Still hilarious. Ash is still an idiot. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Evil Dead 2's increased special effects and slapstick-gore makes it as good -- if not better -- than the original.

Gist of the movie is that Ashley J. Williams appears to go back to the cabin in the first movie with a new girlfriend and the same shit happens. However, they didn't have the right to show clips from the original, so they sort of have a recap that is slightly different. Movie basically starts when Ash sort of becomes a Deadite for the first time. Anyway, he is alone, losing his shit, battling evil when the cabin owner's daughter and her posse show up and think he is a murdering wildman. As they beat and banish him, the evil that he summoned by listening to the Necronomicon being read aloud on a recording left by the previous occupants starts possessing and murdering people. Also, there is a disturbing tree rape scene. The movie then ends with a tree coming to life and trying to eat everyone before a portal opens up in the sky, sending Ash back to medieval England. Yeah, it's cray, but awesome as fuck. 

Directed by Sam Raimi. You know, the cult film director went Hollywood after this, directing some great flicks like The Quick and the Dead, the Spider-Man trilogy (2002–2007), The Gift, Drag Me to Hell, Oz the Great and Powerful, and, of course, Army of Darkness. He and a guy named Scott Spiegel wrote it as well. Stars the Bruce Campbell, of course. Personal favorite of mine. I'd legit be impressed to meet this guy. Only other people I've ever seen are Dan Hicks, who was in Intruder and My Name is Bruce and some other stuff, and Ted Raimi, who was also in those movies, among other things. Both these guys pop up in Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi projects all the time. 

Lot of good gags in this flick. An evil hand that runs around. Blood that shoots out of places like a firehouse. A room where all the inanimate objects come alive. Then there are Ash's one-liners. Always perfect. 

Is there a universe where Bruce Campbell isn't the MVP? I could see a case being made for Sam Raimi, sure. But it's always Bruce that shines. Dude is groovy as hell... But Sam Raimi is pretty dope. 

Speaking of. Went as Ash for Halloween circa 2008. Pretty sweet costume. Made myself a metal hand and a chainsaw glove out of cardboard. Shit was hot. 

That's me on the left, playing the role of Ash

House II: The Second Story is the worst movie of all time

"Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something." Purty much. Gist is the house from House has been reinherited by someone else now which doesn't make sense but none of that shit matters, plus the house rules don't matter anyway. Instead of a home that plays off the fears of the occupants that creates a sort of personalized hell, now we have giant Aztecs running around with mythical creatures and reanimated corpses. Um, ok. And everyone is going after a crystal skull with magical powers. Crystal fucking skulls, the bain of my existence. 

Few people you may recognize. First, there is Bill Maher. His character is supposed to be a real buzzkill, I think, but comes off as pretty reasonable and sort of a good guy. You see, he tells the protagonist's GF that the dude (protagonist/the owner of the house) was making out with his ex at this Halloween party they are hosting. She and Bill Maher leave and are never seen again. That would normally make them the MVPs; however, that cute-ass little glowworm dog that looks sort of like a Boston is the real MVP. Lar Park Lincoln, who plays the GF, who was the psychic chick from Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, John Ratzenberger aka Cliff from Cheers, the judge from Twin Peaks, and the familiar from Fright Night are the only others you'll recognize. 

Overall, a big yeesh. I remember this movie being not great but fun. It was not fun and was in fact garbage. At least you don't have to watch the first one to get the gist. But, trust, hard pass on this flick unless you are some kind of Bill Maher completist, in which case, god help you.