Top 10 of 2025: 2. Sinners

★★★★★--One of three movies I watched this year where a single actor played twins. Most years this would have been my favorite film. There is a polarizing scene where past and present come together and time gets transcended. I thought this was genius. However, I could hear people laughing and mocking this in the theater on opening night. WTF? I’ve talked to people that felt both ways. Regardless, amazing music and story and an abrupt needle drop that flips the genre from a musical drama to horror. If it stuck with one genre, I still would have loved it.  Michael B. Jordan is incredible, as are Miles Caton, Hailee Steinfeld, Wunmi Mosaku, and Delroy Lindo. The guy that looks like Popeye Jones is pretty solid, too. Incredible flick. 

31 Days of Halloween: Underrated Vampire: Near Dark: The Best Neo-Western Vampire Film You Are Ever Going to See

 Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow - 1987

 

★★★★★-Day 13 of the Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Underrated vampire movie night. An ultraviolent vampire movie with neo-western elements and some serious acting chops directed by Kathryn Bigelow and penned by the guy that wrote The Hitcher, Eric Red. Plus you get a fan-fucking-tastic atmospheric synth soundtrack by Tangerine Dream. This is one of those best movies no one has ever seen deals. 
 
Gist is a small town Oklahoma bumpkin, Caleb Colton, gets himself entangled with a nomadic family of vampires after being bitten by mysterious drifter Mae. As Caleb deals with his transformation and the group’s extremely violent lifestyle, the film explores themes of loyalty, survival, and identity. 
 
The group of vampires has a True Knot from Stephen King’s The Shining sequel, Doctor Sleep, quality to them. Vagrants in an RV. Sort of feels like a Clive Barker movie. Not going to complain about that. 
 
Some of the people they kill sort of deserve it. Some don’t. Guys hitchhiking that immediately talk about rape, yeah, they have some shit coming to them. The truck driver just trying to drop a load. Not as deserving of death. His only crime is picking up hitchhikers, which is mad dangerous. He is super likeable and you hate to see him go. 
 

Directed by one of my favorites, Kathryn Bigelow. She has some real bangers with Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker (which also earned her an Academy Award for Best Director), Zero Dark Thirty, and one of my personal favorites, Point Break. Hell, my senior yearbook quote, “Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true,” was from Point Break. It’s the best surfer bank robber movie you are ever going to see. 

Adrian Pasdar from Heroes plays Caleb, the lead. He is pretty sleazy. A lot of the plot has to do with whether he will choose to live this violent, vagabond, outlaw lifestyle. The lovely Jenny Wright plays the love interest vampire that turns him. This is her largest and best roll. Somewhat forgotten, Wright carved out a nice little career but retired in the 1990s. Had a bit part in the Robin William/Glenn Close film The World According to Garp in 1982. She was part of the so-called “Brat Pack”, check out the documentary Brats to see how the moniker impacted all of their careers and mental health, because she worked with Anthony Michael Hall, Rob Loew, Eric Stoltz, and so on, and appeared in the film St. Elmo's Fire. She was also in the totally bananas The Lawnmower Man from 1992. She does do the horror convention circuit, signing autographs for a reasonable $25. It appears that she will also sign photos for free if you write to her, which is pretty freaking cool. Their relationship goes from a creepy guy practically whipping it out to them being tied together in what appears to be 15-20 minutes of driving around and trying to get laid.

Something of an Aliens reunion. You have Jenette Goldstein who play fan-favorite Vasquez. Bill Paxton who dropped “game over, man.” And Lance Henriksen, who was the android Bishop. One of the few to make it out “alive”. In Near Dark, they play Diamondback, Severen, and Jesse Hooker, the leader, respectively. All three of them are incredible.
 
Rounding out the cast are journeyman actor Tim Thomerson as Caleb’s dad, “that guy” actor Troy Evans in a bit part, and Joshua John Miller. Miller is a legit great for a child actor playing a several hundred-year-old night walker. He is, IMO, the creepiest vampire I’ve seen in any movie, by far. He is actually 100s of years old but trapped in this preteen state for eternity. Really fixates on the protagonist’s little kid sister. Giving off real molester energy. 
 
The ending is outrageously convenient and unbelievable. I’m not going to give it away, but I will say it does some shit that is definitively not how being a vampire works. These made-up creatures have rules! Only other knock is that some of the effects are cheap/dated, but are by no means the worst I’ve ever seen.
 
It was considered a box office bomb, bringing in $3.4 million on a $5 million budget, but has gained a bit of a cult following for its refreshing take on vampire lore and its atmospheric, gritty wild west style that is beautifully shot. Every shot is framed amazingly well as all the best westerns are. Plus, it is perfectly acted and super tense. 

30 Days of Night: A vampire's wet dream

 30 Days of Night - David Slade - 2007

★★--Remember the trailer for this film being great. Produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert of Evil Dead fame. Execution wasn’t really there. Kind of glad I waited 17 years to watch it. 
 
Gist is an isolated Alaskan town that experiences a 30-day-long polar night gets overrun with vampires. Hate when that shit happens. Pretty smart of the vampires though. 
 
Director David Slade has mostly done TV including the first three episodes of American Gods (which where great) and several early episode of Hannibal (also great). He did do a few movies though, like Hardy Candy about a young girl that tortures a child rapist/murderer, it’s pretty decent, and one of the Twilight movies (never saw it). 
 
Stars Josh Hartnett whose career was screeching to a halt (my man is back now though), Melissa George (whom I mostly think of as the mother of the kid that get the slap in the show The Slap [both the American and the Australian version]), Danny Huston of the Huston clan, Ben Foster who was who is always solid and is married to my former queen Laura Prepon,  and Mark Boone Junior, who always plays a crazy guy. Personally think of him as the pizza stealing FBI guy in Se7en. He is in most of Fincher’s movies though. 
 
Fantastic premise—vampires in Alaska during the longest period of darkness—but sort of waste it on non-traditional vampires. Should have stuck with the classic variety. These vampires have pointy shark teeth, have a military-based hierarchy, speak Aramaic or some other weird shit (Romulan, maybe), have a feral quality to them, but look and dress like Danny Huston. These are not fucking vampires. 
 
Early in the movie have an awkward Chekhov's scrap metal pulverizer. Speaking of, get a lot of gore, if you are into that thing. Decapitation is the preferred vampire killing method of this movie. Usually with an axe. Sometimes a shotgun. 
 
Again, it’s not the best, but the premise makes up for a lot. However, never lives up to its potential. Josh Hartnett is alright. Ben Foster is really good but not in the movie for very long. Huston is wasted. The end is lame. It also had potential. Overall, just sort of meh. 

Last Voyage of the Demeter - A real "Captain's Log"

The Last Voyage of the Demeter - André Øvredal - 2023

★★★-This is a movie adapted from the “The Captain's Log” chapter in Bram Stoker's 1897 Dracula novel. It follows the ill-fated crew of the merchant ship Demeter as they struggle to survive an ocean voyage from Transylvania to London as Dracula picks them off one by one. Basically Alien meets The Terror. 

It is a bummer of a movie, as you'd imagine if you know anything about this part of the book. If not, they'll tell you in the first minute of the film. 

The passage was a personal favorite part of the book and was rife with potential. I've always thought of the section as Dracula completely unhinged with no consequences. But in this film, they took it as also having no personality. Had a friend that said it was fun, and that was all I needed. However, pretty meh.

When I saw the trailer before Oppenheimer, I assumed it wasn't going to be great. The little they showed of Dracula looked bad. Looked like Golem in 2003 CGI. Plus, a late summer horror movie is almost always a bad sign. Studios either push it out with the blockbusters or during the Halloween season. 

Directed by André Øvredal, his sixth film (though I've never heard of his first, Future Murder, which doesn't appear to be available anywhere and doesn't have a Wikipedia page). I've seen the horror films at least—this includes Trollhunter, The Autopsy of Jane Doe, and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Of those, this was my least favorite of his films.

Spent over 30 years in development hell. It was originally conceived back in 1992 on the back of the Francis Ford Coppola film Bram Stoker's Dracula starring Gary Oldman, Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, and Anthony Hopkins. However, the project languished in limbo until Amblin Partners acquired the rights in 2019.

Stars Corey Hawkins as Clemens, the ship's doctor. His treatments mostly consist of him pumping his own blood straight from his body into someone Dracula has fed on. While I personally may be no physician, I do know you can't just put any old blood into another person's body. A quick Google search says if a person is given the wrong blood type, depending on the types of bloods involved, the result is a major hemolytic transfusion reaction. What happens is, “the recipient’s immune system vigorously attracts the donated blood. The cells are ripped apart, tons of bad chemicals are released, and the person gets super sick. The kidneys can fail… first reddish urine then shutdown. The person can develop a severe flu like illness. They can go into shock and ultimately die. Mortality is high without treatment, and considerable even with it.” So, yeah, playing it fast and loose with that whole “do no harm” bit. Anyway, you might remember Hawkins from The Walking Dead, for his portrayal of Dr. Dre in Straight Outta Compton, or from the Spike Lee flick BlacKkKlansman. 

Also stars Game of Thrones alums Aisling Franciosi (she played Lyanna Stark) and Liam Cunningham as Captain Elliot (he was Davos Seaworth in GoT and has an insane amount of titles to his name). David Dastmalchian kind of steals the show as the first mate. He had a memorable role in The Dark Knight, was Kurt and Veb in the Ant-Man franchise, and played Polka-Dot Man in The Suicide Squad. He has worked with Denis Villeneuve as well, appearing in Prisoners, Blade Runner 2049, and Dune. Javier Botet, a go-to monster/creature actor, plays Dracula. 

It was serviceable, with really solid performances, a claustrophobic feel, and good practical effects. I am a sucker for ship movies, especially olde timey ones, on that front it worked. When it is a slow burn, I liked it. But it's unoriginal, adding little to the story, the CGI was not good, it was too long, the end was dumb, and overall forgettable. Plus, a dog and animals die... And also humans, obviously. If you are a big vampire/Dracula fan, you'll dig it. Otherwise, probably worth skipping. 

The Invitation, a boring, skipable, vampire affair

The Invitation - Jessica M. Thompson - 2022

★★-Released the last week of 2022, so I count it as this year pretty much for “New Horror.” 

Supposedly draws inspiration from Bram Stoker's Dracula, the story revolves around a young woman who (Nathalie Emmanuel) who recently lost her mother. She encounters her long-lost family members in England, visiting the old country for a wedding at a country mansion. However, as she delves deeper into the lives of the people at the manor, she stumbles upon sinister secrets, plunging her into a world of chilling revelations.

Stars Emmanuel from Game of Thrones and Army of Theives (she is really pretty), Thomas Doherty (whom I've never seen), Sean Pertwee who was Alfred in the series Gotham and apparently always plays a butler, and Hugh Skinner from Fleabag and Les Misérables.

There are some red flags that she ignores. Like, who the hell prints out social media pages other than a complete psycho. Why not just save that shit in a digital file? Oh, he conveniently hates technology so that it has to be printed and found. Alright, I'm out. 

Best part of the movie is the setting. The mansion is beautiful, as are the people and clothing. These folks make the rich private school kids I went to high school with seem middle class. I'd make a great rich guy, just saying, if anyone wants to leave me something in their will. I'd be great at entertaining, telling war stories with a 120-year-old wine in my hand, and I wouldn't even kill anyone in my murder library. 

Speaking of, you would think someone would start asking questions when three maids go missing in less than 24-hours. But I guess when you are this rich, it doesn't matter who you kill or whatever in any country.

Feel there is a decent movie here somewhere, and the ending is pretty satisfying, though improbable. But it's just your standard vampire movie. Nothing too memorable. Waste the setting, and it drags a bit until shit hits the fan. Takes an hour and 10 minutes to get that somewhat predictable twist, but I wasn't expecting it to come about the way it did. But if you've watched the trailer, even that won't come as a surprise. Then the last minute of the movie was terrible. 

Renfield - Chris McKay - 2023

★★★-It was pretty fun, but not as fun as I was expecting. Think they should have leaned into the comedy a bit more. While the tone was a that of an action/comedy, it didn't really have many jokes that landed. Plus, it felt like it mostly just of pretty bad CGI. And lastly, I think Awkwafina was somewhat miscast. Also, it was kind of a mess. 

Gist is Renfield, Dracula's loyal henchman/long-term inmate at an asylum, yearns for a life free from his master's relentless demands and the gruesome bloodshed that accompanies them. Goes to codependent anonymous meetings to break away, but it doesn't go well for anyone. 

Directed by Chris McKay. He also did The Lego Batman Movie and The Tomorrow War. Cast includes Nicholas Hoult in the title role, Nicolas Cage as Dracula, Awkwafina as a cop/love interest, Ben Schwartz (Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec), and Shohreh Aghdashloo (House of Sand and Fog and 24).

Spent some time in development hell. Universal was planning on doing a series of reboots based on the old monster flicks with a shared universe, which would have been cool. This was supposed to be the next movie after the Tom Cruise led film The Mummy, released in 2017, but it bombed. Later, screenwriter Robert Kirkman, who did the original draft, presented a rewrite that was more comedic in nature, which was eventually green-lit. 

Overall, it was alright, mostly because of the performances by Cage and Holt. Renfield, on the whole, is played for laughs – though make no mistake, it is a gorefest. Over-the-top, bloody action is always appreciated, by me at least. Can't get past that CGI though.

Cage's portrayal of Dracula steals the show, blending humor while still drawing inspiration from past actors who played the iconic character. Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and Gary Oldman come to mind. Whenever he takes center stage, the film comes alive in ways it doesn't when it's Holt and Awkwafina. Say what you will about the guy, Cage is always super captivating. 

However, Renfield falls somewhat short due to not capitalizing on its promisingly hilarious premise. While entertaining, the film hints at a more vibrant, dynamic, and absurdly amusing movie yearning to break free. It's enjoyable, but one can't help but feel that it missed the opportunity to be truly extraordinary.

Def by Temptation is the okayest movie of all time

Def by Temptation. "Honey, I've given you something there's no cure for." I'm on a real string of shit movies. However, this was fun. Won a pair of tickets to a screening of this at 10pm at a bar on a school night. If I had seen it was a Troma movie, I would've stayed home. 

Gist of this blaxploitation movie is a vampirous succubus preys on black men in New York City. However, it is this southern kid Joel who is on his way to becoming a "world-famous minister" whom she really wants. She has aspirations of taking him down like she maybe did his father, played by the Samuel L. Jackson who is in the movie for roughly two minutes but is on most of the posters, and whiping out his whole bloodline. Not exactly sure what is going on there. Anyway, this Joel kid comes up from North Carolina to visit his friend K, played by Kadeem Hardison from A Different World. His is the best performance in the movie. Cynthia Bond plays the succubus. I've only seen her in this. Also, there is a cop who specializes in supernatural cases played by Bill Nunn whom you may recognize from the Dennis Leahry show The Job or as the guy who takes a bullet up his bunghole in Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. Ouch. He's pretty solid as well. This 1990 flick stars James Bond III as Joel. He also wrote and directed it. He is pretty terrible and is incapable of carrying this movie, though the talent around him is solid. 

There is a scene extremely early in the movie where the succubus chases a naked, terrified man covered in blood around her apartment. This scene features some full-frontal wang doodle, telling you right off the bat what type of movie you are in for. 

While it was sort of fun with a cast that was mostly solid, a good movie it was not, although it is pretty bonkers in an enjoyable, Troma sort of way. It looks good enough that I looked up the cinematographer. Was suprised to see it was shot by one Ernest R. Dickerson. Dickerson mostly directs television now, with some impressive credits to his name. But I remember him for a few of my favorites from my junior high years, including Juice, Surviving the Game, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, and Bulletproof. That's an incredible four film run. All movies my brother and I watched repeatedly. 

Some of my other faults are that the succubus randomly and inexplicably gives one guy AIDS, there is some explicit homophobia, and the plot goes off the rails a couple of times. Felt it could have been tightened up, for sure. Plus, the ending is dumb and too easy. Things I enjoyed are that it was beautifully shot. The soundtrack was solid. Some surprisingly awesome special effects, like when a character is eaten by his image on his television. And I love that it is super early 1990s New York. 

Vampires vs. the Bronx is the greatest film of all time

Yo, check out the courthouse. They are turning it into apartments. You know how this starts. White people with canvas bags. That is always the first sign. Pretty solid flick. Had some Attack the Block vibes. Not quite as good though. Sort of falls apart a little at the end. Still really fun though. For sure recommend this new flick available to stream on Netflix now. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: In the sharp, socially conscious battle of Vampires vs. the Bronx, comedy and horror blend brilliantly -- and the audience is the winner.

Gist is that a group of kids from the Bronx fight to save their neighborhood from vampires that are moving in and trying to gentrify their block. Pretty solid social commentary as well as a comedy horror movie. 

Directed by one Osmany Rodriguez. Looks to have done a lot of TV and shorts, but this one of his first, if not the first, feature film. He also wrote it with another guy. Mostly follows around three dudes that are 15ish. Playing these parts are Jaden Michael, Gerald W. Jones III, and Gregory Diaz IV. I've seen none of them but they are all great. Also in their crew is one Coco Jones, who is female. All of the acting is pretty great. 

Other's you'd recognize include Sarah Gadon who plays the head vampire. I mostly know her from the Stephen King adaptation of 11.22.63. She plays the role of Sadie Dunhill, the female lead. She's a pretty lady. Method Man, who plays a no-nonsense priest. Chris Redd, who is just some dude on the block. And a vampire or two sort of stick out. 

Like I said, sort of falls apart at the end. The head vampire chick is like 700 years old and brags about how she is the shit and all. However, she makes a bunch of rookie mistakes that end up getting her killed. Ends sort of on a, "well, that ended up being pretty easy," which was kinda weak. 

Gotta give the MVP to the three kids. They are pretty perfect and totally great as buds. Really fun movie that henges on their roles. Even though the ending is weak, they always shine. 

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein is the greatest movie of all time

I know there's no such person as Dracula. You know there's no such person as Dracula. But does Dracula know it? Pretty fun flick. Costello, the short one, is more than a little irritating and the ending is anticlimactic, but it's funny even now and has serious nostalgia for moi. Saw this as a child with my grandma, miss her. Turned me onto it after we watched Monster Squad together. Good companion movies. Both are solid intros to the Universal monsters and are what I'd call gateway horror. Also, super kid-friendly. 

Cast is what you think it is with one exception. You have Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. They are their normal personas. Lon Chaney Jr. is the Wolf Man and Bela Lugosi is Dracula. Lugosi is apparently smacked out his mind by this point of his life. Frankenstein's Monster I always thought was Boris Karloff but it's some look-a-like named Glenn Strange. There are also a couple of chicks and a pretty boy, none of whom I recognize, that play central parts. Oh, and Vincent Price is sort in like 10-seconds of the movie. He's the uncredited voice of the Invisible Man. 

Gist of the movie is that Abbott and Costello deliver wax monsters figures (Frankenstein's monster and Dracula) to a wax museum. However, the monsters come alive and take off. The Wolf Man is onto this shit though tries to warn these idiots. Costello sees the shit go down but can't convince Abbott. Also, Costello is trying to slay two chicks at the same time, I'm pretty sure. They are into him, but he's a moron. The fact that he is so dumb makes Dracula want to use his brain for Frankenstein monster's body so he can control it. Seems like something of a Get Out situation. It doesn't really hold up under scrutiny, but, again, fun. 

MVP of the flick is totally Abbott. His straight man schtick makes the movie and the duo, in my opinion. His deadpan, don't have time for this nonsense is tits. He does the funniest straight man of all time while Costello is out there trying to play hero ball. 

Waxwork is the greatest movie of all time

The cover of Waxwork scared the piss out of me as a kid. Have distinct memories of looking at it and thinking "fuck nope" as a child when we went to the video rental place down street. I maybe didn't like little people (or something) as nothing really scared me back then. But this cover, main, was too much. Up until I watched this flick I was sure that was Tattoo from Fantasy Island (the "de plane, de plane!" guy), but it's Alf (for real). I had ongoing dreams about a movie that I had mentally constructed based on this image up at least through junior high, which is just nuts. So I finally got around watching it and holy shit balls this movie was amazing. Not your typical wax museum movie, this shit complete blew me and my female companion away with its unexpected greatness. In fact--"is he gonna?" you ask--Waxwork is the greatest movie of all time.

Still terrifying

Pros: Super self-aware and humorous. Meta-horror is the big draw here, knocking it out of the park long before Scream or New Nightmare. Solid acting (with a few exceptions) with some horror chops. Unique premise.

Cons: Can't think of anything other than it's not better known.

Basic gist is that a group of unlikeable idiot college students meet an immortal/evil owner (played by David Warner from The Omen) of a wax museum who invites them over to check out his collection. The displays end up being magic death traps that ensnare most of them one at a time. If the magician/owner dude completes the set of the 18 most evil beings to ever "live", then the evil spills out into the real world and what have you.

The evil being are as follows: the Marquis de Sade, the werewolf, Count Dracula, the Golem, the Phantom of the Opera, the Mummy (which curb stomps his dude), zombies from Night of the Living Dead, Frankenstein, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, some voodoo guy, a witch, a snake dude, pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Rosemary's Baby, a generic axe murderer/lumberjack dude, an alien, a Little Shop of Horrors style giant talking venus flytrap, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There were supposed to be three other displays that ended up getting left out for legal reasons: Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise, five children from Village of the Damned (1960), and The Thing (1982). Those would have been awesome but they didn't happen.

The movie managed to intrigue right from the get down, opening with murder/robbery, followed by a rich piece of shit, played by one Zach Galligan (who was the dip shit pet owner in Gremlins that got them wet and fed them after midnight), named Mark Loftmore who wants his fucking ciggy and his coffees. His mom, a real buzz kill, tells him no for some reason as he is going to be late for college like he gives shit. But his butler brings that shit out to him and he makes his way off in his Rolls Royce or whatever. Totally relatable, this guy.

Muffy from April 1

Anyway, he makes it to class and is fucking late. He gets called out for it, the professor yells at him, telling him that he looks forward to reading his research paper on whatever dude is droning on about that next morning. He doesn't give a shit though and just starts openly talking with his buddies which leads the professor to just keep tacking on pages to the punishment essay. We later see why he doesn't give a shit as he outsources the assignment out to some chick who can barely speak English. He reads it, it's all gibberish, he turns it in and the work is so bad that he gets expelled which is all kinds of funny.

Dudes friends consist of China Webster (Michelle Johnson), Sarah Brightman (Deborah Foreman who was Muffy/Buffy in April Fools whom I will be referring to as Muffy forevermore), Gemma (Clare Carey), James (Eric Brown), and Tony (Dana Ashbrook who is Bobby Briggs in Twin Peaks and, yep, I'm just going to call him Bobby for the rest of this thing here). Both Muffy and China are real lookers. They all go to watch China's, who Mark like might have dated and is still into, boyfriend play football while they just enjoy their obscene wealth or whatever. China talks about doing him, openly, while Mark gets pissed. First off, this guy is such a goddamned meathead and is revolting and vulgar AF the moment we meet him. Second, this football practice is fucking insane. They are going all out like they are playing for the Super Bowl while simultaneously never playing before. The hits are brutal and completely illegal and likely to end in injury and possibly death. Like how China's dude just fucking sucker punches a teammate during a random practice the day before a game. If you've played football you know how fucking crazy this is. This scene alone is worth the watch. I'd link it but I couldn't find it online anywhere.

Grr

Per David Warner's invite, the group shows up at the mansion at midnight. The creepy midget lets them in and acts pissed that there aren't more of them. They go explore the museum each on their own like idiots. Bobby, who is a fucking tool in this movie, is the first one to fuck up when drops his zippo behind the rope of a wolfman exhibit. When you pass through the ropes you enter that dimension is how this works. So what happens to Bobby is that John Rhys-Davies, aka Gimli from The Lord of the Rings, shows up, turns into a werewoof, and bites him. He starts to turn and some dudes come and shoot him. He is now part of the exhibit. That's how they get you, apparently. Meanwhile, China is in the Count Dracula exhibit where she is served raw meat drenched in blood. They keep saying stuff like "the sauce makes the dish," and "our guest doesn't like the sauce." She does eat it in the end (IRL it was plums and corn syrup) which she later finds out was the leg of her fiancee in the wax world (don't ask). She ends up killing a bunch of vamps but Dracula hypmerizes with his eyes and mullet.

Gimli, out of nowhere

Muffy and Mark, for their part, get locked in the Marquis de Sade exhibit and the George A. Romero rooms respectively. Mark gets out and pops into Muffy's Marquis de Sade room. He is whipping her and she is super into it. She's into some kinky shit and the Marquis de Sade boasts that he just gave her her first orgasm. Mark snaps her out of it though and they escape leaving the evil folk two short of their set but their idiot friends eventually come around to die, basically. In the meantime Muffy and Mark figure it all out with the help of some old-timey locals who are part of some secret society. Once shit hits the fan at the end with all the monsters on the loose and what not these guys show up out of nowhere and help save the day. In the battle at the end we see a dude shooting a baby and another killing a vampire bat with a shotgun at 0-range whilst throwing in a "make my day." The ending is pure chaos with ridiculous fighting, a horrible looking fire which is just like a poster with holes poked in the windows, a zombie hand that sets up Waxwork II: Lost in Time, and they throw in some blue lightning in there too as it is 1988. Again, greatest film of all time.

Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy discusses Freaks of Nature

This week I talk about 2015's Freaks of Nature, a vampire, werewolf, alien, zombie, coming of age horror/comedy. This is of the direct to video, premier is my living room variety of movie which is surprising considering its star power (more on that in a minute). Though the movie got more or less exclusively bad reviews, I loved it (though my taste may be a bit skewed with all the carnage I have to see) but it's not in the god tier of movies by any means.

Lifeforce is the worst movie of all time

More Tobe Hooper. This one is infinitely weird and completely incoherent. People feel strongly about this movie. I am one of those people. It is trash. Except for that ending which really got my dick hard (metaphorically). 

So, the movie follows these three alien beings that are found riding this space ship near Halley's Comet. They end up possessing some of the crew and kill them minus one poor man's Harrison Ford. He torches the ship and exits out an escape pod. With everyone on the ship dead, the British space program goes up and brings it all back down including the three naked aliens. From there the vamps bounce and cause extreme mayhem on their way to stealing half the people of London's souls to fuel their ship. The city basically comes down to the work of this detective guy and the lone remaining astronaut. This is the most what the fuck movie I have seen in a long time and I seek out what the fuck movies. The end, however, was fucking amazingly cool. 

Ger

Pros: Completely unique. I don't you see a better alien vampire movie any time soon. The vampire lady is attractive and naked basically the whole movie. Young Patrick Stewart. 

Cons: Incoherent as shit. Most of the movie I was all, "what the fuck is happening?" Not a taut movie. Lots of pointless dialogue. Felt so fucking long. 

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Like the way this moves along early. Space ship going to Halley's Comet where they find an alien space ship. Convenient earth gravity on the one ship which they feel the need to mention. Captain is a Harrison Ford lookalike. Don't waste a lot of time getting to the space vampires. Get out of their ship to space walk to the alien one. They float there, it looks ridiculous, and find these giant bats that are all dried up, they say. This movie came out in 1985. Halley's Comet showed up in 1986. There is one year later and they can swim untethered in space and land on a comet. Taking one back to the ship because why not. The vampire ship comes alive. Looks like a space octopus or umbrella. Later we learn it is a soul harvester. It stops suddenly. Everyone is like, “huh, is that bad? It's fine, I guess.” Farther in the ship they find naked people. Two Ps. One V. One guy practically ejaculates at seeing this naked lady. He keeps saying she looks perfect. She is super pretty by 80s standards. Taking them back with them as well. Again, why not. 

Three days later. Back on earth everyone is pretty sure the crew is dead. No idea what is going on. Send up another ship to figure it out. The inside looks like the ship was abandoned millions of years ago. Fire, apparently, and they are indeed all dead, it appears. They don't bother to count them up or anything though. Get the equivalent of the black box which was destroyed. Three naked people are still cool though. Bring them back to earth. Hell, why not. Another guy gets rapy with the girl one. She wakes. Starts making out with him. Steals his “lifeforce” which involves infamous blue lightning. Dude is now all withered up. Guy watching the video runs down. She makes out with him now. Another guy sees that on the monitor. Is this just going to keep happening?

Still naked. She is just walking about. Security guards are like, “holy shit!.” One offers her a cracker. She telepathically chokes him to out. She finds his lack of faith disturbing. Blows her way out these giant glass windows. She casually moseys on out. Did I mention she is naked?

Keeping an eye out on the dudes, the soldiers are like, “no big, they dead,” and immediately they explode out of their tubes. Are basically invincible except for grenades which sort of slow them down. The guy who had his lifeforce drained during the makeup sess wakes up suddenly and like makes out with the doctor. Sucks out his lifeforce. Now he is back to normal. Now this other guy probably needs a lifeforce since he looks withered and raison esque. Have a real lifeforce situation on their hands here. The one guy deflates again. He doesn't get lifeforce and combusts in a poof of dust which was totally insane. Find another naked, deflated chick. She gets no LF. Dies. She isn't going to combust? When I give up it finally happens. Harrison Ford looking dude shows back up in the escape pod. He disappeared like three days ago and now has a three month old beard. Cut to his debriefing. Completely clean shaven. Maybe in the next scene he'll have a beard again. 

Get the official word with what happened with thems on the spaceship from the source himself. It's pretty obvious but when he tells the part about how he got off the ship it looks like he puts a quarter in the slot of the escape pod and off it goes. Telling this stuff Harrison Ford dude is at home now maybe. Might be in Transylvania or a graveyard or church. Vampire busts in. Or more explodes in in bat form. What the fuck is happening. They get it on. Took some of the life force telepathically. He can sort of see what's going on with her too. Feel like most of this movie is doctors and police investigators talking. Around here I keep waiting for Patrick Stewart show up and decide I am watching the wrong movie.

And here is Stewart in all his glory. Looks exactly the fucking same, as expected. A doctor, of course, so it would appear that doctors consulting each other is on the way. Main dude tracks this redhead down. They make it out and she passes out. I'm not sure if she's one or not. Maybe I missed something? Anyway, this guy she may have turned is locked away somewhere. They are talking about giving him truth serum or hypnotizing him or something. Sort of feel like all this is happening in real time. This is Stewart's patient. Get into a long discussion on patients rights and medical ethics. They are apparently doing this against his will. And fake out, they give it to Stewart. He's the vampire alien I guess. He screams like a mad man for like a long time and eventually seizes out. In a wheelchair now. Looks like he did in Logan. More truth serum is pumped into him. Lulls me in with whispering. Crank up the volume to hear what he saying and he starts screaming. Sneaky bitch. Start seizing and now he has the vampire chick's voice. What the fuck is happening? Things are infinitely fucking weird. I'm not sure what the vampire is. Claims to be the feminine part of HF dude's brain. Now Stewart opens his mouth and blood starts pooling out. The main vampire/alien chick then briefly materializes from said blood. I don't even know. 

You'd think a spaceship hitching onto Halley's Comet, alien/vampire movie would be more straightforward. Getting near the endish (there is still so much movie left) London is in freefall. The astronaut and cop end up in the talks with the military who are talking about nuking the city. The military guys are fucking jazzed about it. Meanwhile the naked chick is collecting energy from human souls and sending up to her ship using that umbrella thing from the beginning. Someone explains that the two male vamps build the energy by killing while the female transmits it. Some such shit. HF, whose name is Carlson, goes into London, where shit is going down, to kill her. The cop one goes back in too. Both of them are just driving over zombies for like 10 minutes. Cop dude kills his old chief inspector guy after he vague talks for awhile about being a zombie, and then he is on foot running from zombies. London is still completely insane.

The HF looker is getting it on with the vamp in a church while the cop approaches. One of the dude vampires, the other died at some point, says, “it will much less terrifying if you just come to me.” Dude is like, "ok," and walks up to him and stabs him with this sword he got from his old boss right in the chest. Vamp briefly turns into a bat before exploding. It was dope. Then he goes in the church. They are getting it on in the church still. This is where shit goes the fuck down. I watched this part while on substance and it was fucking awesome. Blue lightning, swirling souls, naked stabbing. Twas a sweet ending. Maybe check it out. Mayhap not. 

Dark Shadows is the greatest movie of all time

Saw Dark Shadows years ago at the Starlite Drive-In right har in Bloomington when my female companion was out of town. I liked it and, more importantly, Aberline, back when she was an only pupster, fucking loved it. I think she liked how quick paced it was and the killer soundtrack. We had a good time that night, me and her.

Anyway, now, since Rachel is so into vampire comedy horror, What We Do In the Shadows might be her all time favorite movie, we have another movie she has agreed to watch with me. Also, she has a much lower threshold for shit than I do so anything I get her to watch will have to be pretty decent. Otherwise that shit gets turnt off.

The movie is about this vampire named Barnabas Collins that is buried alive in the 1770s, escapes in the 1970s, goes back to back to his old castle home that is still standing and owned by his dysfunctional family. The rest of the movie is basically his interactions with them, the vampire lady that indirectly imprisoned him (they vampire hate fuck), and his wooing of this girl who looks like his long lost love and is like 18. Despite what the critics say, I thought it solid.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The visuals are top notch but Tim Burton never finds a consistent rhythm, mixing campy jokes and gothic spookiness with less success than other Johnny Depp collaborations.

You're freaking out, man

Pros: Solidly funny. Christopher Lee is in it. Alice Cooper. Music in general. Love it when a dude from the past thrust into contemporary times.

Cons: This is around where we collective grew tired of Johnny Depp's shit. Here he is at his most Johnny Deppish. The movie is all over the place.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Jinkies! I can't see without my glasses

Notes: Looks like every other Tim Burton movie I've ever seen. Danny Elfman music, too. And there is Johnny Depp. In the 1760s. He looks through some book on demonology. Gets to a bit about Mephistopheles. The M is the same as the McDonald's arches. Later there is a lame sort of joke when he is in the future about McDonald's and Mephistopheles where he is like, “what the fuck.” So he has this love of his life type chick, Josette, and then this side piece, Angelique Bouchard, who is a fucking vampire witch. When he falls in love with this Josette, Angelique makes his life real shit which culminates in enchanting Josette into committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. Overcome with grief, Depp jumps off, too. Face plant. Can't die because he is now a fucking vampire. The towns folk don't like that shit so they bury him. Again, can't die, which is eventually really going to suck. Cursed him good. That's some harsh shit when you think about it.

Low hanging fruit: Cooper as an ugly woman jokes

Skip to 1972. Meet this Victoria chick. Spitting image of Josette because, you know, she is the same fucking actress. We later see that she can talk to ghosts which made her parents think she is crazy. She is picked up by a van of hippies as she hitchhikes to her new job as a nanny at ole Banabas's (Depp) place. This is how every fucking horror movie stars. With hippies on a bus. I've been on that bus, man, it's not one you want to be on, even if no one dies. Eventually, Barnabas catches up with these folks and massacres them all. It's insane. This happens as he is trying to figure out how to be normal so he can get with Josette. If you want to seem normal, maybe slaughtering the shit out of a bunch of stoners is not the way to go. Or maybe it is. When he sees them, they are starting in with their hippy shit. Gilly from Game of Thrones is among them. They are maybe on acid and doing a jay. The one that looks like one of Rachel's exes is saying that the war in Vietnam is actually good because it is so bad that it'll be the last one. Yeah, no. I'd kill them too. But it's still not very cool of him. A total bummer, man.

Dog approved

Depp's got a weird vibe in this one. Looks like a weird child or pedophile or something. I think it's his caesar do and his lack of color. There are some interesting people in this movie. Helena Bonham Carter (every damn Tim Burton film), Jackie Earle Haley (Bad News Bears, Rorschach in Watchmen, Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot), Christopher Lee, and Chloë Grace Moretz (the little girl in Kick-Ass) who ends up being a werewoof, Michelle Pfeiffer (who has aged very well), and then Depp's love interests whom I only sort of recognize (Eva Green and Bella Heathcote). Bonham Carter's character looks sort of like Velma from Scooby-Doo. Some of the other characters strangely look like other characters from the show as well. This is weird. I assume this must be intentional since they turn on an electric teevee machine and that show is on.

Anywho, two favorite scenes before everything goes down at the end include this weird (and PG) vampire-on-vampire sex scene between Depp and the chick who turnt him. They basically hate fuck with super powers. They get it on while flying around and cling to the ceiling and stuff. It's pretty cool and not something I think I've ever seen before. It's not hot though so no need to shield the youths. This chick, by the way, needs to fucking let it go. She again goes all ragey again when Depp loses interest.

The other scene comes as Depp is still trying to impress Victoria with how normal he is by holding a ball in order to get to know the people in their Maine town. The chick from Kick-Ass, Pfeiffer's daughter, who is like way over sexualized with Depp talking about how she needs to hurry up and get married before her uterus dries up—no one wants to hear that—suggests booking Alice Cooper who I am sure wasn't busy playing at giant arenas at the time or anything. The get “her” and Depp says Cooper is the ugliest chick he has ever seen which is LAME. But Cooper proceeds to rock out to like three songs. It's dope. Easily Abby's favorite part.

Freaks of Nature is the greatest movie of all time

Freaks of Nature is set in Dillford, OH, “Home of the Riblet,” where tensions run high between the residents and the vampires and zombies that live among them (it was originally titled Kitchen Sink). Yeah, that's right, people living with the supernatural. Those things are already a part of this universe when the movie begins. Everyone had more or less figured out a way to coexist, though that is on pretty shaky ground, until the aliens show up and the town descends into an all out free-for-all with each group out for themselves. The movie basically follows a small group of high school kids—a human, a vampire, and a zombie (sort of like The Breakfast Club)—who try to bring the town back together in an effort to defeat the invaders.

Another of the direct to video, premier is my living room type movies. Though the movie got more or less exclusively bad reviews, both my female companion and I loved it (though my taste may be a bit skewed with all the garbage I watch) but it's not in the god tier of movies by any means.

Pros: Cast. Main kids are all unknowns. Supporting though is star studded. The notables: Joan Cusack, Werner Herzog, Keegan-Michael Key, Denis Leary, Bob Odenkirk, Patton Oswalt, and Mae Whitman (Anne aka Egg in Arrested Development). Pretty damn funny. In the end, the town becomes "Home of the Veggie Riblet" which I totally support. 

Cons: Continuity errors. I'm not one to notice them ever and there I was distracted by several (which says a lot). The worst was one where Leary went back and forth between jump cuts from drinking whiskey to holding a gun to drinking whiskey to holding a gun. Aliens look like shit.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Accidentally discarded my notes for this one so this is all from memory and will not be my best work... Save often, my friends.

Notes: Does the Fight Club thing at the start. The old “here is where we are. Oh, wait, let me back up and show you how we got here. Now that that is out of the way, here is the last 45 minutes of the movie.” That is the one thing that I sort of didn't like about FC. Have fucking hated it in basically every movie since, which includes this one. Also, this one isn't done particularly well. It felt all over the place and confusing in the early goings.

He's "Eight Miles High"

But it was always pretty humorous (except for when the towns goes insane in the middle). Probably my favorite scene came when Odenkirk and Cusak, the main dude's parents, find what they think is his stash of weed. They keep dropping hints to him that they are into smoking pot too saying stuff like, “we want you to know that we totally understand.” “In fact,” they say, “we understand daily... Like just before we came in here we understood.” Sprinkled in here is talk about a big, big change that the men in that family experience when they come of age. It's huge. Really big... It turns out they are not talking about his dick. Also, Odenkirk looks exactly like David Crosby. Leary, meanwhile, looks like a goat-man.

I'm an asshole

So there is the main kid who we find out at the end of the movie is a werewolf (that is the “huge” change his folks were talking about), the pretty girl who was turned into a vampire, and the one smart kid who is now a zombie. It is up to them to stop the aliens which of course they do do in the end in part because of the zombie's problem solving abilities. Couple of interesting things with the zombies. First, I like that the zombie kid is still smarter than everyone else. How can this be? Well, the zombies become more human like as they go longer without eating brains which is sort of cool. What is really cool though is what happens when the kid eats brains for the first time. Basically he chins to chest and melts into the chair like he is doing smack for the first time. That was a pretty nice little concept that doesn't get a lot of exploration (not that it really needs it).

As previously stated, everything to do with the aliens looks like shit. A lot of cheap CGI. The aliens themselves look stupid. The main alien at the end starts out looking ok in miniature form then looks like shit then is a really shitty rubber suit which is sort of a joke (I guess). Then the Independence Day explosion at the end looks awful.

Something of note: Werner Herzog voices the head alien (aka the Perfect Being) who shows up at the end and hates on everyone. This is what he does now, apparently. Voices condescending aliens. I would watch him do just about anything though which has included eating his own shoe. Nice little absurd film.  

Lesbian Vampire Killers is the worst movie of all time

This is such a shit movie. It is not worth thinking about. We are talking like Cinemax original bad. It's so juvenile. Hardly any of the jokes land. For the last 40 minutes I was just waiting for the movie to fucking end.

Pros: Really solid kills. At times sort of funny. At times fun. Pretty cool resurrection scene.

Cons: Sexist. No real buildup. A couple really dumb plot points. Choppy. James Corden is sort of a dick. Jokes are far between.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Decent escalating vampire kills: A limb to the heart. James Corden's first, cast irons a vamp's head off. Jim axes his ex's head in half. A priest exorcises a naked vamp in the shower while JC holds her in by the breasts.

Notes: Camilla, medieval queen vampire who turns girls into lovers of the vagine, opens the movie. Guy there who slays her. Not before she curses the women of the hamlet. Turn to lesbian vamps on their 18th birthdays. Someone from the hunter's bloodline will have to vanquish her. She then promises to rise again.

Present day: there is James Corden. Children's clown who punches children and hates kids. Other guy, feckless Jim, has a whore of a GF that breaks up with him whenever she wants to do some other guy. Let a dart show the way. Throw it at the map and go there. The town of Cragwich where they go hiking. JC smashes Jim's phone when his ex calls to get back with him.

Enter the lesbian vamps. Or exit rather. The sexy ladies leave an olde timey pub. Dudes pop in. No sexy ladies in there. Just old dudes. Scene is reminiscent of American Werewolf in London. The girls on the road singing some “I like you when you are naked” song which is ridiculous. Apparently they aren't vampires? Yet? All have absurd unidentifiable accents. Their van breaks down and the boys catch up to them. Suddenly their van isn't broken down? What the fuck? Anyway, all are going to the same castle for the night. Three of the four girls get turnt almost immediately. Not fucking around. The three left standing know it too. JC wants to ignore it. There are vampires fucking everywhere already.

Jim's ex shows up. Her car breaks down too. Gets to the castle. Yep. She's a vampire. All over Jim who has another chick into him who he just met and wants to give him her virginity. JC gets it in his mind that she may just want to lose it. He'll take what he can get. The boys kill his ex who is a vamp. “Best to remember her like she was: a complete fucking bitch.” Note that when the vampires are stabbed or whatever, they bleed what looks like semen for some reason. It is disgusting.

Oh, loophole, can't come in unless invited. “It's not like we are going to say, hey vampires, come in.” He was being ironic but there they are. Boo. Fucking dumb. They get kidnapped. Jim is the hunter's descendant. Only one that can end the curse. JC and a priest come to the rescue. Get into the medieval hurt's tomb and pull out his sword which has a cock for a handle. JC thinks this is hilarious. It's not. So it is also the priest's daughter's 18th birthday. Instead of locking her down or whatever he leaves her at home and she turns. Comes at JC and he kills her unbeknownst to the priest. This is supposed to be funny but is just dumb.

The survivor girl is like over the top into Jim whom she just met. She is like really into him. Keeps saying stuff about how she wishes she lost her virginity to him and that if they weren't tied up she would do him. Finally she drops an “I love you.” Insane. Then they spend most of the time they are tied up fighting. It's around here where I stopped fucking caring. More stuff happens but no one fucking cares. Tries too hard at cult status and fucking fails.