Evil Dead Rise - Lee Cronin - 2023

★★★★★-Shotguns. Chainsaws. Wood-chippers. Eyeballs getting bitten out and spat into a child's mouth. A literal bloodbath, they use over 6,500 liters of fake blood. This is what the Evil Dead films are about. 

I found this to be shockingly good. A near perfect movie worthy of the franchise, my favorite in all of horror. Blows the 2013 movie out of the water. My only minor complaint is that I don't really like not knowing where this fits in with the other films. But how do any of them fit in? 

Gist is estranged sister Beth (played by Lily Sullivan) visits older sis Ellie (Alyssa Sutherland) and her three kids (Morgan Davies plays Danny, Gabrielle Echols plays Bridget, Nell Fisher plays Kassie), two of whom are high school aged, and the youngest girl, Cassie, who is roughly seven or eight, probably, I don't know. They live in a dilapidated LA apartment that is about to be condemned and torn down. It apparently had many other lives before it was converted to apartments, including a bank. After an earthquake opens the floor of the parking garage, Danny goes into what used to be the vault and finds the dreaded Book of the Dead and some records translating the ancient text. Despite his sister Bridget's warnings, he listens to the translations, which unleash the Deadites. Standard Evil Dead setup, but in a new local, which was pretty cool. What follows is glorious apartment dwellers vs. the dead action. 

Directed and written by Lee Cronin. His only other feature to date is The Hole in the Ground back in 2019. The fifth installment in the Evil Dead film franchise. The main guys associated with the original creators had their hands in this film as well. Rob Tapert, who produced the original, produced this one as well director Sam Raimi and actor Bruce Campbell executive producing. The idea for this film came after plans for direct sequels to Evil Dead (2013) and Army of Darkness were abandoned and Ash vs Evil Dead was cancelled after the third season, which still hurts. 

Overall, loved it. The opening is fantastic. Doesn't mess around. Wastes no time putting you in this world. Then, when the kid plays the record, and we get that old familiar “Kandar”, followed by the zoom, got chills. 

While I may see the first three films in the rosiest glasses possible, I was pretty critical of the ones that don't star Bruce Campbell. However, Cronin gave me everything I wanted in terms of nods to Raimi's films while also making it his own. The monster's final form is not something we've seen before and was the perfect way to one up the holy hell vibe. Definitely not for the faint-hearted, this is the bloodiest film in the franchise with any character potentially dying horrifically. It's groovy. Come get some. 

Evil Dead II is the greatest movie of all time

I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!... Swallow this. I've seen this maybe more than any other movie. It's between this or Repo Man. Watch it every fall. Probably somewhere in the ballpark of 30 viewings. Had it on VHS, DVD, BluRay, digital. Have watched every featurette, the commentary, interviews. I adore this flick. Absolutely on my Mount Rushmore. Still hilarious. Ash is still an idiot. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Evil Dead 2's increased special effects and slapstick-gore makes it as good -- if not better -- than the original.

Gist of the movie is that Ashley J. Williams appears to go back to the cabin in the first movie with a new girlfriend and the same shit happens. However, they didn't have the right to show clips from the original, so they sort of have a recap that is slightly different. Movie basically starts when Ash sort of becomes a Deadite for the first time. Anyway, he is alone, losing his shit, battling evil when the cabin owner's daughter and her posse show up and think he is a murdering wildman. As they beat and banish him, the evil that he summoned by listening to the Necronomicon being read aloud on a recording left by the previous occupants starts possessing and murdering people. Also, there is a disturbing tree rape scene. The movie then ends with a tree coming to life and trying to eat everyone before a portal opens up in the sky, sending Ash back to medieval England. Yeah, it's cray, but awesome as fuck. 

Directed by Sam Raimi. You know, the cult film director went Hollywood after this, directing some great flicks like The Quick and the Dead, the Spider-Man trilogy (2002–2007), The Gift, Drag Me to Hell, Oz the Great and Powerful, and, of course, Army of Darkness. He and a guy named Scott Spiegel wrote it as well. Stars the Bruce Campbell, of course. Personal favorite of mine. I'd legit be impressed to meet this guy. Only other people I've ever seen are Dan Hicks, who was in Intruder and My Name is Bruce and some other stuff, and Ted Raimi, who was also in those movies, among other things. Both these guys pop up in Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi projects all the time. 

Lot of good gags in this flick. An evil hand that runs around. Blood that shoots out of places like a firehouse. A room where all the inanimate objects come alive. Then there are Ash's one-liners. Always perfect. 

Is there a universe where Bruce Campbell isn't the MVP? I could see a case being made for Sam Raimi, sure. But it's always Bruce that shines. Dude is groovy as hell... But Sam Raimi is pretty dope. 

Speaking of. Went as Ash for Halloween circa 2008. Pretty sweet costume. Made myself a metal hand and a chainsaw glove out of cardboard. Shit was hot. 

That's me on the left, playing the role of Ash

Intruder is the greatest film of all time

Great fucking movie, Intruder.  Watched it for Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi (pictured above with the meat hook in his noodle) as they get top billing on the front cover of the DVD. Come to find that Campbell is in the movie for maybe one minute and Raimi, for his part, gets a bit more screen time but dies early. On the back Renée Estevez (maybe because of her lineage?) is portrayed as the heroine but is actually the first character to die. Spoiler. That I don't care about at all, I guess. Though the studio thought this was necessary, to mislead us, the movie is still fantastic and is totally the greatest movie of all time.

Elizabeth Cox... Total babe

The movie features a grocery store's overnight stock crew that are stalked and killed by a mysterious psychopath.The kills are phenomenal and are numerous. Directed by Scott Spiegel who co-wrote The Evil Dead, the movie features Sam (director of the Evil Dead movies, Spiderman, Drag Me to Hell, so forth) and Ted Raimi, Estevez sibling Renee, Tarantino producer Lawrence Bender, and Campbell who is in the movie for all of 35 seconds. The movie actually stars Elizabeth Cox, who is a total babe, as survivor girl Jennifer Ross and Dan Hicks as Bill Roberts who has worked his way up from butcher to co-owner.

Pros: Good use of setting (grocery store). Suspenseful and claustrophobic. Surprisingly descent kills/gore. Low budget but charming.

Cons: Not exactly the most original movie I've ever seen. Takes a bit to get going.

Gist of Intruder is that the grocery store is closing its doors for good while the overnight crew works their last shifts. As they do, they are picked off one by one inside of the small market with items found in the store.

Cox's #MeToo. This guy should definitely be in jail

The movie opens to the world's longest intro. Just a full moon with credits over it. After five minutes of that we get some extended setting of the scene that we will be spending the next hour and a half or so: we see a crazed, mumbly old man, carts everywhere, slacker young people working their first jobs (for the most part), and a crazed ex-boyfriend that comes in and loses his mind, punching his ex (that should win her over), slamming Sam Raimi, and fighting all five dudes in the movie on his way out the store. Aldi's it's not. Not long after this idiot, who it is revealed just got out of jail for murder, comes back and tries to score with his ex. They are closing so they just let him go which is insane.

Oh yeah indeed

It's about here that they get the news that they are all out of a job. "Hear me out," says the owner and then fires everyone. The other owner is upset. Worked his way up from butcher to owner. He'll be alright though, I'm sure he'd work his way back up to owner from toilet scrubber or whatever at another grocery store. Following this scene is when the killing starts, oh ye.

Nine deaths total that include solid gore and gags. Some good ones include a kill with a meat saw, a hydraulic press, and a meat hook to the jugular. All of those kills were dope. The gags include eyeballs in with the olives, a hand in the lobster tank, a head in the cheese case, so forth. The killer also uses the owner's head as a puppet, which was darkly humorous.

Spoiler

In the end, once the killer has been revealed and it isn't the red herring ex-boyfriend, we have the one survivor babe who is forced to rely on her #MeToo to save her (which, yeah, fucked up). They actually team up on the killer, the chick stabs him with a knife that she pulled from Estevez and the dude cleaves the killer while he is attacking the survivor girl in a phone booth just outside the store. But this dude is unkillable, apparently, and when the cops roll up, one of those cops is indeed Bruce Campbell, the killer is all "they did it!" and the cops believe him even though there is no evidence. And that is the end of the movie! But I am sure that once the detectives get there they will piece together what really happened. That happens, right?

30 sweet seconds of Bruce Campbell action

Oh, and last thing, notice in the credits that the post-production sound was done by Jay's Meat and Provision Company. I wouldn't trust any sound company that had "Meat" in their title. But that's just me though.

Groovy! Ash on the how the Evil Dead films are connected

Many a night I have questioned this. I am not nearly observant enough to pick up on this despite 10 or so viewings of Evil Dead and 25+ of Evil Dead II. Speaking of, look forward to that as one of my near nightly movies in the coming future. II just hit 30 years a couple of months ago!

The Frighteners is the greatest movie of all time

I was really into Peter Jackson when this movie came out. I loved a movie of his called Dead Alive that is all gore and is fucking amazing. This was his transition film from B-movie director to Hollywood. When The Frighteners came out, I was stoked. And I at the time I loved it... Annnnnnnnddddd, I still do; however, there are a couple of things...

Side note about the history of this movie: This was apparently the movie that got Jackson Lord of the Rings because of Jackson’s visual effects company, Weta Digital, when LOTR was supposed to be a much lower budget film. Also, this was originally supposed to be a Tales from the Crypt spin off, which is insane, and was Fox’s last starring role on the big screen before the Parkinson’s forced him into semi-retirement. There are times in the movie where his hands shake a bit.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Boasting top-notch special effects and exuberant direction from Peter Jackson, The Frighteners is visually striking but tonally uneven.

Pros: Cast is amazing. Fox, Jeffrey Combs, R. Lee Ermey, Jake Busey. Story is solid. Humor is solid.

Cons: CGI is dated. Feels super long.

Sloppy AF

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: In The Frighteners we follow architect/medium Frank Bannister, played by Michael J. Fox, who gained the ability to talk to ghosts (and sort of see the future) following the murder of his wife by an apparition. He uses this ability and his dead buddies to con people into paying him to ghost bust their homes. Eventually he is ousted as a charlatan, but when the spirit of a mass murderer appears able to attack the living and the dead, posing as the Grim Reaper, Frank is prompted to investigate the supernatural presence which he rightly believes to be the entity that offed his old lady.

Frank is easily the worst driver of all time. He is all over the road early. Lanes are apparently optional. Cuts everyone off and runs everyone in a funeral procession off the road, nicely done. Then he parks in the entrance of the cemetery, blocking everyone one. This is just the beginning (he wrecks it multiple times chasing Busey and lets not even mention the wreck that factored in to his wife's death). Cool car though. Old Volvo. Looked it up. It's a 1959 Volvo PV 544 Sports Sedan. I'd look so cool driving that.

One of the people Frank hustles, this couple named Ray and Lucy. Really like this idiot Ray. He is such a meathead. Might as well be named Biff. He is one of Busey's first victims and he is pissed about it. When he dies he is the only one sad at the funeral. Thinks it a tragedy. He is pretty funny, actually. In the scene where Frank and Lucy, Ray's wife, go to a medieval times place for some unknown reason, the guy is totally out of control. He wants Frank to lie about money of her's he lost on a bad investment and then calls her a bitch when she says that is typical Ray. He also refuses to move on even though she clearly is. Though this doesn't sound very funny, I assure you it is.

The roadmap to pain

Also great is the guy from Re-Animator, Combs. I don't really know why he isn't in more things just based on cult status alone. No only was he in this movie and more or less the star in Re-Animator, he also starred in Castle Freak, From Beyond, and Trancers II. That is cult god status. Think of him as a sort of less attractive Bruce Campbell. In this movie he is a complete neurotic fool. Throws up when women talk to him and says things like "My body is a roadmap of pain" which is some pretty cool nonsense to say.

All in all, I consider this movie nearly flawless except for the really bad CGI. I remember it being fine at the time. It did not age well. There is a scene at the end, not to give too much away, where it looks especially shitty. You'll know the part when you see it. Weta Workshop was in its infancy at the time and was considered advanced in 1996. 

The Man with the Screaming Brain is the greatest movie of all time

This is the type of movie Joe Bob Briggs would have played on Monstervision and given four out of five star. When he gave a movie that many stars, you knew it was going to be shit since he gave the really bad ones higher ratings to keep people watching. I seriously love Bruce Campbell... but at times this was nearly unwatchable. It is fun though.

Rotten Tomatoes Blurb from Variety: Acomedy that doesn't build, lacks structural integrity, and oftenfalls flat. But it's also winningly loopy, with bizarre incidentalideas and performance riffing making for a series of parts thatalmost make up for the faults of the whole.

Pros: It stars Bruce Campbell. The entire salad bar scene is hysterical.

Cons: Ludicrous plot. All over the goddamn place. Sloppy as fuck. Unnecessary creepy and stupid looking robot.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Bruce Campbell flick. Written, starring, and directed by. Looks so cheap. Like a soap opera. Other people in the movie include the less famous Raimi brother employing a horrific Russian accent and Stacey Keach. Raimi's character is such a fucking idiot. Spends the whole movie breakdancing about and getting punched for being an fucking dipshit. No one else you've ever seen. Takes place in Bulgaria. Must be cheap to film there.

BC and his wife catch a cab from some Russian con-artist named Igor. He is taking them to god knows where in the longest cab ride ever, occasionally stopping to kick some ass. The action scenes are so bad. BC is business man. His cabby calls him Donald Trump. Sick burn. This movie was ahead of its time. Wife is totally into this dude. Openly flirting with him and BC sends her off with him. They get it on immediately.

Gypsy maid and the Russian have history. She makes out with BC. Steals his cash and a ring that the Russian sold him. It was the ring he gave this gypsy. She sees it and flips. Hits BC in the head so that a piece of his brain is hanging out. Then she kills the Russian. They are both fucked. The ladies then have a catfight which is mostly slapping, purse flinging, and mannequin down the stairs tossing.

So we've got three deadish here. All brain damaged. Keach and Raimi, it was revealed earlier, are working on this anti-organ rejection drug and procedure. Use the good parts from the two dude brains which more or less compete with each other. The rest of the movie is Bruce at his zaniest wandering and thrashing about, trying to get revenge while the two brains in his head fight for dominance. It's a whole movie BC literally punching himself in the face and kicking his own ass. The girl, meanwhile, is placed in a breakdancing robot's body.

It's an insane, shit movie. But again, I didn't hate it. It is what it is and doesn't aspire to be anything more. It's all nonsense but sort of in a good way. I won't ever watch it again but I enjoyed myself and LOLed on more than one occasion.

This here is My Boomstick, Mr. President

Ash is back and he’s a liberal. Army of Darkness: Ash Saves Obama, the first in a four part mini-series, will surprise many as a quality comic.

Set at a Detroit comic book convention, the character that made Bruce “Jack of all Roles” Campbell famous once again finds himself face-to-face with the Deadites. Think of it as Dawn of the Dorks. Anyone who has seen Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, or the Army of Darkness will be familiar with the storyline—someone reads aloud from the Necronomicon (i.e. the Book of the Dead) and unknowingly unleashes the demonic spirit that turns unwitting youths into the walking dead—even the book itself says as much when the comic book store guy says “whenever someone stumbles across a successful formula, you always have those who try to duplicate it.”

However, this comic differs from the films and previous Army of Darkness comics in that it stars Barrack Obama who has stumbled across Ash’s long time foes. Now Ash must defeat the Deadites and bail out the President so he can save Detroit’s auto industry.

The book is completely self-referential, constantly referring to events and quotes from the movies, and could be classified as meta-fiction with its allusions to slew of comics that have featured Obama related plots.

The Elliott Serrano’s (Army of Darkness/Xena) quirky story works for laughs but not quite as many as the films and Ariel Padilla (Red Sonja) isn’t too bad either. Even more impressive than Padilla’s illustration work are the covers by Todd Nauck (Amazing Spider-Man) and Lucio Parrillo, whose design mimics the iconic Obama “Hope” poster featuring the likeness of Ash supplanted in presidential pose with “Hope?” written below.

All in all a decent work that will appeal to Bruce Campbell/Army of Darkness fanboys and anyone who likes an off the wall zombie comic. Look for Issue #2 set for release next month.

Reasons Why I Hate Kate Austin of Lost

Last week’s season finale of Lost, The Incident, pissed me off through the one medium of the show that always pisses me off—Kate.  After getting past all the mystical shits and unpredictable events that always make up a Lost season ending episode, what you’ve got to notice is the predictable reactions from the show’s weakest character, Kate Austen.  In it I saw Kate fucking Austen being Kate—which is to say she was incredibly annoying and all acting like she knows what she’s talking about and generally slowing down the story and getting in the way and getting a more interesting character killed (although not so interesting in this episode)—and I don’t think I can take much more of her crap.  When the show ends, I have two things that must happen for me not to be seriously disappointed.  The first, previously mentioned, is that the real Locke had better be ruling the Island when shit comes to a close, and the second, is that Kate had better die. I am fed up with her whole sanctimonious, self-righteous bullshit—using her sex to get the shit she wants, slapping any number of men, just letting cooler people die, etc.—and I can’t wait for the show to hold its little tribal counsel and finally vote her off the fucking Island.  The only episodes of Lost I have hated were episodes that focused on her.  She’s manipulative and stupid and self-absorbed and boring and pointless and makes others around her seem like tools. It’s like she is Meg Griffin.  A while back I found someone’s assessment of Kate’s character which came in the following four phrases, which are spot on:

1. I’m pretty.

2. What should we do, Jack?

3. Shut up, Sawyer.

4. I’m coming along whether you want me to or not!

Yeah, Kate in a nutshell.  So with that finale, I am finally prompted to write out my Ten Reasons Why I Hate Kate Austen.  Here goes.

1. She’s Fickle- We can never be sure whom she is going to sleep with this week or how her sexual escapades will end up because she is constantly changing her mind about what the hell she is doing using her sexual allure as like a female executive trying to sleep her way to the top.  She makes out with Sawyer one minute and then beats him down with a suitcase or slaps him across the face or whatever.  Then once she gets off the Island she hops in bed with Jack and they were supposed to get married even, but she is sneaking around doing things for Sawyer.  When Jack gets all fussy and points out that he has repeatedly saved her and what not she says she doesn’t want him acting like that around her “son” and Jack utters a serious burn with “you’re not even related to him.”  Woo, ultimate face.  So now she hates Jack for speaking the truth and the wedding is off.  For Christ’s sake Kate, either pick Sawyer or Jack, quit bouncing back and forth to whichever one is more useful at the time.  She is always turning these leader types into heartsick idiots that she walks all over when she wants something.  She’s like a parasite befriending Sawyer for the shit he hoarded when they first crashed and then sidled up to Jack because he was the leader and saw the power of his position as her opportunity to be the Island’s Lady Macbeth or something.  It pisses me off that she keeps using everybody for her own personal gain and just keeps on lying to them to get it.  I pity the both of them for mainly just having to deal with her bullshit.  Next season, look for the reemergence of Skate (Sawyer + Kate = Skate) since Kate pretty much did nothing to help Sawyer help save Juliet (See Reason #2 for more on that), her competition, and hey hey, he’s now single again and Jack has sort of spiraled down the down the drain and lost his faith in humanity.  But maybe the existential Jack will grow on her.  Who knows with her.

2. Gets People I Like Killed (Or Seemingly Killed)- As hinted in Reason #1, she keeps on getting more interesting characters killed for absolutely NO reason whatsoever.  In the Lost time-line, the first death she was responsible for was that of her abusive father, which was justified I guess, but I don’t care about that.  Then came her childhood sweetheart Tom who she got killed when she was escaping from the law by busting through a barricade and he got hit by a bullet meant for her.  What does she do, nothing, she just leaves.  Again I don’t care; there isn’t anything of interest that has to do with Kate’s back-story.  But then once she gets on the Island is when the her getting people killed starts to drive me crazy.  There was the guy who was extraditing her back to the states who was dying anyway, maybe, and I assume Kate practically begged Sawyer to “end his pain” by giving him a quick death but only makes it way worse by shooting him in the lung instead of the heart.  Around the same time, she as well as Jack and Charlie let the pilot of 815 go walking around outside of the cockpit with the Monster making noises, failing to warn him that there might be danger.  He then gets eaten by the Monster and we later see him up in a tree all mutilated and all—yeah, I acknowledge this one might be a stretch, but the rest are not.  When they find Charlie in the jungle pretty much dead, having been hanged in a tree by Ethan, who was a serious bad ass, all she did was stood there and cried.  Way to help out, Kate.  Great effort there just standing there in the way and crying while Jack has to do everything.  But Charlie lived that near-death-experience.  Then there was the most infuriating one where she was supposed to go get Jin from the inside the freighter but instead stood around on the deck with her thumb up her ass.  Ten minutes after Kate was all, oh don’t go, Sun, you’re holding Aaron and pregnant and stuff, I will go get Jin for you, you get on the chopper, we see Kate finally try to go down into the freighter.  What was so goddamn important Kate, that’s what I’d like to know?  But Jack stops her saying something about him not leaving without her and they all look down at Jin as the ship explodes, again an inspired performance from Kate.  Way to make the extra effort there.  That made their flight back toward the Island pretty awkward.  So when Sun said to her old man, that she blames two people for the death of her husband and one of them was him, I figured the other one must surely be Kate for dicking around and not doing what she said she was going to do.  But frustratingly this turns out to be false and Sun and Kate are great old friends back on the mainland.  What the shit?  If I were Sun I would be pulling me some hair and punching the so called tough girl in the face instead of taking care of her stolen kid.  But Jin somehow survived, we think, but he could just be an incarnation of his form as the counterpart to the Locke imposter or something.  We shall see about that next season.  Then there was the death of my second favorite character (Locke being the first), Daniel Faraday, which she just let happen as she always does.  When Kate and Jack go along with Faraday on into Crazytown as he was about to go into the Others’ camp where he gets shot and killed by his mother, then pregnant with him, Jack was about to stop him but Kate was all “no Jack, don’t go.”  Thanks Kate, thanks for stopping Jack from ending the whole Infinite Jest-ish “the woman who kills you is always your next life's mother” thing.  Yeah, that was awesome.  Ugh, fucking Kate.  And then there was the season finale, when Juliet was dangling there above that electromagnetic hole with Sawyer trying to pull her up and Kate did what Kate does and just stood there.  Nicely done.  I mean did I expect anything more from her than to stand around awkward doing nothing when lives are at stake.  No, not really.  She was predictably unhelpful.  That bitch.

3. She’s Annoying- First, there is that whole bit about her trying to be the tough, strong, kick-ass-and-take-names female on the Island but then she does things like cry over a toy plane. Its like we get it Kate, you are a fugitive, but that doesn’t make you a hard ass.  Give up the act and stop making everyone’s life harder by trying to prove you’re a free spirit who doesn’t need anybody’s help.  Because Kate, if anyone does, its you.  Just stop.  Its getting embarrassing how everyone else keeps having to save you.  Also, she is ALWAYS interrupting people, suggesting that she feels what she has to say is way more important than whatever Hurley and Miles are saying.  What Kate has to say is rarely that important or interesting.  I can’t really remember any positive contribution she has ever made to life on the Island.  All she does is whine and lie and make a mess of things.  Its like to get anything useful or truthful out of her you have spend an entire episode twisting it out of her when she could have just said or done whatever in the first minute or so.  This is connected to another annoying fact about her, which is that she is a busybody, always butting into people’s business (like she did when she screwed everything up by talking to Ben’s dad) and asking about their pasts and all that but won’t say anything about hers.  When we finally figure out what she is doing it is always something really stupid, again I reference the goddamned toy plane, that really infuriated me.  I guess she did get some information out of Miles but that was only for her own personal gain (See Reason #4). 

4. She’s Unbelievably Self-Centered- She is unable to think about anyone but herself, ever, and is the most egocentric character in the show.  The only thing she really ever did was pull some bullshit con to take Miles to Ben but that was done only to get information about herself.   Always begging to be included and whining when being left out, she just has to tag along no matter who protests for whatever sound reasons so as to not to miss out on any of the action.  But she never follows orders so even when she is ordered not to come along, of course she follows the group anyway which always ends with her getting captured and her needing to be rescued thus ruining whatever mission the group is on.  Sneaky bitch.  She is a manipulative liar that lacks all empathy and care for others showing no conscience whatsoever in doing stupid things that she thinks she must do to survive.  Her megalomania is such that she couldn’t even get over herself when delivering Claire’s baby, Aaron, saying, “I’m scared too.”  Why is that do you think?  Maybe because she is a sociopath, I mean she does steel that baby later.

5. She’s Got The Worst Backstory- Her whole ridiculous pre-Island life was basically a way to give her character cause to whine for the entire run of the show.  It doesn’t make her look tough or anything and her flashbacks don’t really make any sense when you think about them long enough.  A fugitive from law being chased by the whole world it seems for blowing up some douchbag?  I think not.  I just want to grab her by freckled arms and scream “We get it, you’re a victim, you’re the way you are because your dad (that you thought was your step dad) beat your mom, but you blew him up. And instead of being grateful that you blew him up your mom betrayed you and still made you stand trial when you got back from the Island, but hey, she got over it and you didn’t go to jail.  Seriously, we get it.  Poor Kate.  Now stop bitching about it every other freaking episode, we aren’t going to forget it so you can stop reminding us all the time.” 

6. Gets Away With Everything And Constantly Whines- Which brings me to the obvious fact that she gets away with everything.  No one seems to care that she is constantly ruining whatever people are doing to better their lives on and off the Island.  She didn’t get in any trouble for murdering her old man, ducking the conviction by clinging to her stolen child and with the help of Jack and that incredibly dumb story he told in court that made her into some kind of a hero, which she isn’t, that was so lame and impossible it just made me want to throw up; no one lets the Others kill her for sneaking around when she should have stayed put; people defend her when her actions screw up their lives directly, as was the case when her erratic behavior tipped off Ben’s dad to the fact that she knew more about all that was involved in the shooting of little Ben than she let on, having Jack, Juliet, and Sawyer stick up for her, resulting in the end of Suliet (Sawyer + Juliet) and the comfortable life they had developed with the D.H.A.R.M.A. Initiative; etc.  She manages all this simply by putting on a pouty face (her only face) which affords her anything she wants.

7. Steals Babies/Screws up Children- Another thing she got away with was steeling Aaron away from the Littleton family to use him for all her emotional needs, for shame Kate.  How does the media not follow up on the apparent problems with the time-line/pregnancy stuff?  I think that would have been something that people would have noticed when they captured her.  In any case, Kate was well on her way on her mission to screw up a little kid before she finally did the right thing and gave Aaron to Claire’s mom while spilling the beans, as she always does, on the real story of Flight 815.  So when the blond lady who looked like Claire from behind appeared that she was running away with Aaron to live amongst the crazies or wherever, for a second I thought she would lose him, which would serve her right, and we would be rid of Aaron, at least for a while.  Yeah, he is a little kid… but he has to be the most irritatingly bad child actor ever, way more so than those Olsen twins on Full House, which is no small feet.  For a while I thought he had Down syndrome.   Every single time he says “mommy” or “juice box” I have to fight back the feeling that I am about the spill the groceries all over the couch and coffee table in the living room where I watch TV.  So why all of the sudden did she give Aaron over to an actual blood relative?  So she could basically watch him for a while as she goes back to the Island to find Claire and bring her back to raise her son.  Yeah right, she was tired of playing house like (in one of her painful-to-watch flashbacks) when she married Captain Hammer (from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog) only to drug and run out on him when things got difficult. 

8. The Producers Have Serious Kate Love- Cassidy was right about Sawyer and his motivation for jumping off the chopper, the reason he deplaned in such a dramatic way wasn’t to save the woman he loved, oh no, it was to get away from the succubus that is Kate.  Yeah, Sawyer had the right idea.  Get a clue Lindeloff/Cuse.  Not even your own fictional characters can stand her.  But they have themselves some serious love for Ms. Austen.  

It would be great if they would get over her apparent hotness like everyone else and realize there is no use for Kate and kill her off which they won’t.  She’s a criminal with a heart of gold just like every chick in Brisco County Jr., Cuse’s first show, staring one Bruce “Jack of All Roles” Campbell, which is pretty awesome, yeah yeah, we understand that you love this type of female character…but this has got to stop already.  Jack, who seems more annoyed with her than anything else, was willing to go back in time and take incredibly drastic action by blowing up the Island either erasing the 3-years he knew her which she of course is against because that would mean her going to jail since her celebrity status couldn’t possibly save her or killing him.  Whatever happens, or doesn’t, its clear that Jack is hell bent on removing her from his life by any means necessary.  Her only merit was as one in a boring love triangle (or square I guess) that was the worst part of the show.  Any episode that focuses on her ends up sucking, therefore, they should have done the thing that talked about doing where Vincent had a flashback, which would have been awesome, I love that dog, but instead we got Kate overload.  Boo.  It isn’t so bad, I guess, that she is irrelevant as far as the story goes but the screen time she gets is unreal.  The episodes without Kate are almost always great but these are few and will probably disappear as the two camps, in 1977 and 2007, start to bridge the time gap.  Like that kid in your neighborhood growing up that was an asshole and everyone hated but always found out when and where you were hanging out or the guy trying too hard to get laid at a party, Kate never goes away.

9. She Lacks Self-Awareness- This, I think but cannot prove, is one of the reasons her mother hates her.  First of all, she killed her dad because she could tell her mother really loved him and took it upon herself to end the relationship.  Of course she didn’t see her mom turning her in coming because she can’t tell what people think of her.  All she sees is this persona she has constructed and follows that without looking back, ever.  On the Island, she believes her place is that of a strong semi co-leader instead of the wimpy, annoying, crying waste of space she really is.  She has always been weak link of the show/the Islanders with her whining and inability to make a rational decision for herself basing her actions on her unreliable emotional state at that exact moment.  It’s like she never developed the ability to look at the facts as they are when doing something and not just follow her impulses.  That is probably why she can’t help but jumping into bed with Jack and/or Sawyer seeing as how she can’t really function without a man around to manipulate first, including stolen baby Aaron.

10. Fucks Everything Up- This is her main problem, this constantly turning things into shit for everyone while offering no help in fixing things.  Usually the Losties are correcting some mistake she made or was in some way responsible for while she just sort of stands around all pathetic.  When she didn’t cause whatever new development, she is more than likely working on her own agenda that opposes what the majority has decided is right.  The most predictable part of Lost is that Kate will defy everyone with her ridiculous horseshit and do what she wants consensus be damned.  Like when Kate, in her ever-stupid-way, rushes to save the young Ben that Sayid tried to kill in order to spare their past selves that are confusingly in the future from the manipulating maniac he grows into.  Pretty much everyone agrees that Ben’s death here would be a good thing and they should just let him die, but oh ho, not Kate, who doesn’t think any child should die, after all young Ben is a victim too.  Not even if you know that he’s eventually going to kill a bunch of your friends, the entire D.H.A.R.M.A. Initiative, and a bunch of people who may or may not deserve it, not to mention tried to take the baby you rightfully stole and then telling those incredible lies that is just one series in a long and proud career of manipulation that gets you and the few friends that the adult version of this dying kid has yet to kill trapped-once again-on the this crazy patch of land that happens to be a time machine to boot that you flings you back some thirty goddamned years in the past.  Really Kate?  Fucking really?  Well, if anyone were to snatch away the hope that Sayid gave them by nearly de-mapping some asshole little kid who grows into a mass-murdering genocidal maniac, it would have to be Kate.  

Top Ten Horror/Halloween Related Movies

Compiling this list, I tried to make it as accurate, yet original, as I could. Upon looking at several other lists, I discovered that most of these can be seen on most critics lists as well as the definitive 100 Scariest Movie Moments which aired on Bravo in 2005 and has been the regarded as the list to end all lists of the movie genre. Much like AFI’s list has its place in the back of minds as the authoritative source for the greatest works of film, the Bravo segment has put our horror in an ordered set that proves conclusive. With that said, this list is not simply a scary movie list, this has to do with the horror genre for the most part yes, but not all of the these flicks are horror outright. Many of them aren’t scary at all in their over the top ridiculousness and some of them are actual comedies—one of them isn’t even a movie. Thus I defend my picks as being anything but another, alternate list to refute the picks made by whatever selection committee Bravo employed to compose their choices. As always, comments are appreciated, so tell me what you think of the little list I have composed here, and let me know if you have anything to add about any of these films or you would like to recommend your own.

The Evil Dead Trilogy- What can I say besides Bruce Campbell is a God among men. The film “Bruce Almighty” in fact was actually a screen adaptation of BC’s life. One of the coolest things I have ever heard was a kid I knew who claims to have hooked up with Bruce’s daughter and afterwards he said “you know what’s really great about this? Your dad is Bruce Campbell!” That did not go over well, as the story goes, but everyone was in agreement that that was the only appropriate thing to say when such a thing happens. I mean who doesn’t love/idolize a guy who writes books titled If Chins Could Kill and Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way? These films are a fist full of “boomstick” and should not only be watched but studied for all those who think Z-Day is coming or who just want to see the manliest of men kick Deadite ass and look extremely cool while doing it.

The Exorcist- The last movie I watched that totally scared the shit out of me. I went to see it my senior year of high school with my lady friend at the time who was extremely averse to watching it. I told her something like “I’ll be here to protect you baby” or something like that. And for the most part I was, but when Linda Blair, in full getup, climbs down the stairs in the way that she does, which I could never accurately put to words, it really must be seen to be appreciated, I was petrified. I could then understand why people fainted, vomited, and ran out of the theater screaming when I saw that incredible scene on the big screen. I couldn’t look at the stairs in my basement where my bad faced them for weeks and slept on the couch upstairs it fucked with me so badly.

Event Horizon- Rented the film thinking it was going to be a rip off of Star Trek and/or Alien and would involve a bunch or space/science fiction stuff that I was used to. Thus I was completely unprepared for how freaky and terrifying this movie really is. I have talked to many people about this movie and all of their reactions are ultimately the same, saying something along the lines of “that was the scariest fucking movie I have ever seen.” And with the exception of The Exorcist, I would say this film staring Sam Neal and Lawrence Fishburn is, surprisingly, one of the scariest films ever made. Traveling into other dimensions that are thought to be pinnacles of human achievement, they actually open up a gateway to hell, I know it sounds cheesy but you have no idea how chilling this movie really is until you watch it and are paralyzed with absolute fear.

Halloween 1 and 2- October wouldn’t be complete without at least one viewing of each of these two John Carpenter films. These archetypal slasher flicks really should be watched together, but never watch 2 without 1. Many of the critiques that caused the second film to be so much less popular hold true—stuff like it not making any sense if you haven’t seen the original (as with any horror sequels I feel), the plot being absurd, full of cheap thrills, etc. But when viewed together, the second one has a charm that one has to like in films where upwards of a dozen young people are brutally murdered. Plus it provides conclusion which you don’t get with the first one. Though don’t even bother watching any of the ones that follow. They just aren’t very good. (Rob Zombie’s remake isn’t too bad either btw, and for someone who grew up on these flicks, there are a bunch of little nobs to original franchise. One of note is that Danielle Harris, who I sort of had a little thing for when I was a child based on her staring roles in Halloween 4 and 5, returns to the series in the role of Annie Brackett, protagonist Laurie Strode’s best bud. Malcolm McDowell takes over Donald Pleasence’s old role as Dr. Loomis, another little perk that may make this little diddy worth seeing.

In the Mouth of Madness- Another Sam Neal staring role, as well as a John Carpenter film, this 1995 film might be the director’s most chilling work. In this horror flick, a best selling author goes missing while he still churns out creepy work. Neal then goes on the hunt to find the author and ends up in one twisted town that turns out to be some kind of Hell where the books play out in real life. While staying in this hell-hole, he finds that whoever reads the book goes completely and violently insane. With people assuming he has gone mad, he is tucked away in a mental institution while a film version is in the works with anyone who watches again being instantly transformed, and considering the mass appeal and easy access to the film, the work of fiction is ready to alter the outcome of civilization.

Re-Animator- As you can probably already tell, I love myself some absurd, over the top zombie flicks and this one is right up there with Army of Darkness as being the best of the best. This is a bizarre, low budget film, that is as gory as it is darkly funny. For example, an asshole doctor who has been decapitated, carries his head around and after he ties up his colleague’s daughter, one of his student’s who is romantically involved with the medical school’s prized student, he takes the severed head and attempts to perform oral sex on the girl in the film’s most infamous scene.
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein- Bud Abbott and Lou Costello team up with horror greats Bella Lugosi (the quintessential Dracula), Lon Chaney Jr. (the timeless wolf-man), and Glenn Strange (after Boris Karloff gave up the monster role afraid he was being typecast, it was Strange who would go on to star in half a dozen or more Frankenstein roles) in this monster movie spoof that was kind of a farewell to all of these great stars from the genre’s golden age. At times hilarious, even by today’s standards, it is another over the top monster movie which without would leave my list incomplete.

Scream- My favorite “teen scream” of the 1990s, this came out just when I was about to enter high school and I loved it. A bunch of hot little things running around being chased by a masked butcher sporting THOs, it was great. It also paid tribute to all the slasher flicks that came before with a horror encyclopedia incarnate. As a trilogy, Scream left something to be desired, although all three were alright in their own little ways, the original was clearly the best and the only one I will more than likely watch this Halloween season.

Silence of the Lambs- It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

The Blair Witch Project- The first time I saw this, during the summer of 99 at Tibbs Drive In, where I spent more time and energy making out/getting it on than I did watching the movie, I ended up in the concession stand buying hamburgers and nachos and missed the beginning part where it was explained that the serial killer guy would make one of the kids face the corner while he killed the other one. The girl I was with at the time also missed this bit of information although she stayed back in the car watching the movie. So when I saw the end, with that guy in the corner being the last thing we see before the camera falls to the ground and we hear screaming, I didn’t get it. I remember thinking something like WTF that does not seem like an appropriate time to just whip it out in the corner and start taking a piss, this movie sucks and is not scary, people, why are going to see this stupid, stupid movie. Then a year later, with a new gf, I was forced to watch the film I had put way out of my mind. I didn’t remember anything about it when I rewatched it on Halloween 2000. After viewing it that time though, I got why it was so goddamn scary and what all the hype was about. Good show.

Fifteen Notable Mentions: Nosferatu; Rosemary’s Baby; Psycho; Hell Raiser; The Omen; Vacancy; The Vanishing; The Howling; The Others; Thriller; A Nightmare on Elm Street; The Hitcher; House on Haunted Hill (1959); The Last House on the Left; Jacob’s Ladder