Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Late Night Double Feature is the worst movie of all time

This is definitely one of those movies I will completely forget about in a year or so. Canadian horror anthology. It's not great. I respect the low budget flicks like this for just getting a bunch of amateur actors together and putting shit on screen. I love that shit and love people who do this. Salt of the earth, these people. More than I've ever done. Great for them... But by movie standards, this was only sort of watchable.

The basic gist: while taping Dr. Nasty's Cavalcade of Horror, a late night television program that does little skits between a pair of featured films, made up for this anthology, things on the set descend into what the fuck over the course of early morning. Pissed about Dr. Nasty's (the host) appalling behavior and her prick boyfriend, the director, the nurse sidekick loses her mind and gets all murdery.

Pros: It's pretty good about telling a story that sort of starts and sort of ends. Interesting concept. Nurse nasty is all right. Canadian anthology.

Cons: Shitty acting. Shitty stories. Characters are incredibly milk-toast. Has that soap opera look. Dr. Nasty is so disgusting. Canadian anthology.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Always thought it would be a dope job to be one of these late night horror hosts. The people who made this must agree. Dr. Nasty's: The credit scene is great. Over the top computer graphics. All downhill from here. Dr. and Nurse Nasty. Local horror host. Show looks terrible. The crew agrees. Next week on this show trailer. A clown movie. Night Clown. Meh clown.

First movie: Dinner for Monsters

Chef is hired to cook a dinner for six. Goes to person's house. At the door he has a moment with the maid who is like “it's a shame you are here for dinner,” he is like, “huh.” The rich couple greet him. The guy is joking with him. Says something like, “you might say it would save your life right now if you were to turn around right now and leave!” He also goes on a rant about how animals should not be used for consumption. I totes agree. Is this what I sound like? Well, this is where our rants veer. Yeah, they want him to cook a human. Takes very little convincing. Sort of threaten him. He starts his work. Sort of freaks out. This is how I feel about meat in general. First course is a Greek salad. Ha. Killer mortgage rates commercial. Make him eat some. He flips and starts killing everyone. Only ones left are the main couple. Now in the basement where the “live stock,” humans, are grazing. They are basically zombies. Throws the host dude in. Have a really good kill here. The humans rip the guy apart with their bare hands and eat him. Shite. Now chef dude is serving human at his restaurant. Uh, okay. Keep throwing around “humano carne” as the type of meat. Always thought it was “long-pig.”

Back to this Dr. Nasty shit. He is getting blown by some intern wearing the nurse wig. The real nurse is like, “fucking gross,” and the old man is like, “know your place, bitch.” Then they do a stupid skit and play the next movie.

Second Feature: Slit

Guy who gets paid to cut cutters on their back. There is a slasher/killer guy out there, apparently. Guy getting cut asks the cutter, “you didn't do it, did you?” Claims no. Goes and sees a new chick client. She lives in a real shit hole. Asks him how he gets his job. Demand he says. She is disgusting. Addict maybe. Has all kinds of cutting scars. He cuts her. She tries to jump his bones. He is pissed about this. Starts to leave. She stabs him. Chases him around. She is no athlete. Corners him. Cuts and rips her face off. It is bananas. He runs away but dropped his client list with his address in it.

At home, dude orders a pizza like a total maniac. Calls, says he needs a pizza at such and such address. They ask what he wants on it. He says, “I don't give a shit! I just want it here now!” Seem like about the worst way to order food I've ever seen. If you do this the person making the pizza will probably get pretty creative with the toppings if you know what I mean. Then the pizza guy shows up. Dude is passed out. Leaves a ball jar of change out front to pay. Psycho girl tapes him up. Doesn't wake up until the end. She lectures him with a bunch of nonsense about getting fucked over by guys like him then she murders him by stabbing him in the dick. Now she is moving on to killing his clients, it would appear, as he shows up at the first guy's house.

Back to Dr. Nasty's set. He is being gross, as usual. Nurse is still cuffed from previous skit. He starts whipping her like an insane person making her bleed a shitload. She is like, “you are totally fired.” The manager guy doing her is like, “yeah, he has a really good contract, so...” Nurse quits. Her BF talks her down. Says they are going to fire him. The nerdy guy with glasses who is obviously in love with her is with her icing the whip wounds. Talks about how he loves her butterfly tat. She is like, “um, ok, I'm going to go.” Tells her they are going to start shooting on Monday for this movie they are making. Intern comes in gloating about getting the lead. Nurse goes pretty reasonable but her BF/manager just turns into a complete dick for no reason and fires/breaks up with her. Is insanely cruel about it which is sort of out of nowhere. She grabs a knife to kill him. Sneaks up on him, his back to her. Yep, he already dead. So is the intern with dude's severed wang in her mouth. Turns out everyone is massacred by nerdy guy who is torturing Dr. Nasty. He did it so she could get her own show. He also has a matching butterfly tat. She is fucking stoked about it. Scene. So a shit movie ends.  

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