Presence: Soderbergh offers fresh take on the haunted house genre

★★★★--Told from the point of view of an unseen spirit, the film was really interesting and fresh. Takes the familiar haunted-house setup and gives the audience this intimate experience. We are inhabiting the ghost’s perspective as it observes a family unraveling. Good stuff. 

 

Lucy Liu is the only real star. She is still great and looks as good as she ever has. Julia Fox, the woman from Uncut Gems with hella ass, makes a brief appearance. Chris Sullivan, who plays the dad, I’ve seen around. He also delivers a strong performance. I see he and I are the same age… The kids, Callina Liang and Eddy Maday, are better than fine. 

 

Steven Soderbergh is so good with restraint. Turns the new family home into a space of tense, unspoken trauma. This meditative, unsettling thriller that lingers. Even made me pretty emotional. So many bangers from that guy. For whatever reason I don’t think he gets talked about a whole lot, but dude always brings it and is crazy prolific. I will see any movie he makes as long as he is making them. 

Top 10 of 2025: 4. Good Boy

★★★★★--Oh my god. I cannot even write about this movie without crying. Yet another example of how we don’t deserve dogs. This is an awesome take on animals being able to see into the spirit realm. I don’t think any film has made me cry more. Love that Indy, the dog star of the film, is raking in awards. He is really the best boy. I LOVED this film. 

31 Days of Halloween: Ghost Story Night: Gothic del Toro

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro - 2015

 

★★★★-Day 6 of the Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Ghost story night. Crimson Peak. Would put this in mid-tier Guillermo del Toro. Still rocks though. Huge fan of his work. 

Gist is aspiring author Edith Cushing marries charming baron Thomas Sharpe, who has some weird shit going on with sister Lucille. She then moves to his remote Gothic mansion and uncovers various dark secrets behind the ghosts that haunt the massive, dilapidated home.

 

Cast is solid with great performances. Stars Mia Wasikowska in the lead as Edith. She has really had some canonical, literary parts in her years. She was Alice in the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland flicks. Also, the title role for the Jane Eyre a decade back with Michael Fassbender as Rochester, Emma Bovary in a Madame Bovary adaptation, stars next to Robert Pattinson in the bananas film Damsel, and the part of Judy in Judy and Punch, which was also insane. She is pretty great. 

 

Others include the Loki man himself Tom Hiddleston as the baron, the always solid Jessica Chastain in her stabbiest role as sister Lucille who is completely out of her mind, and Charlie Hunnam as Dr. Alan McMichael, the other love interest. Also get Jim Beaver as Edith’s dad (he is Bobby Singer in Supernatural). And it wouldn’t be a Del Toro movie without a little Indiana native Doug Jones, he was the fish man in The Shape of Water as well as the fish man in the Hellboy movies. 

 

Love a gothic period piece. The production of this world is the best part about the movie. Totally giving off Hammer Film vibes in that respect, but with the del Toro style. Chastain steals the show with her subdued yet unhinged performance. Pacing and story could have been fleshed out a little bit, and the end is a little over-the-top. Not a classic like Pan’s Labyrinth, The Shape of Water, or The Devil’s Backbone, but it’s close. 

Haunted Mansion's talented cast can't outrun gimmicky plot

Haunted Mansion - Justin Simien - 2023

★-A Disney supernatural horror comedy based on a ride. I know, sounds like trash. And it is!

Yeah, looked bad, but I was intrigued by the star-studded ensemble cast and the director, whose work I like. Talent includes LaKeith Stanfield, Tiffany Haddish, Owen Wilson, Danny DeVito, Rosario Dawson, Dan Levy (whose in the movie for like 15 seconds), Winona Ryder (also barely appears in the film, but is quite the comedic heat check), Jamie Lee Curtis, and Jared Leto. Directed by Justin Simien. He also directed the movies Dear White People and Bad Hair, both far superior films. 

A movie that spent over a decade in development hell, which shows. Guillermo del Toro was originally attached in 2010. Gist of it is one Gabbie (Dawson, who is so pretty) and her son Travis (Chase W. Dillon) seek help from a team of experts (Stanfield, Haddish, Wilson, and DeVito) to exorcise their haunted mansion and kill the sinister ghosts that haunt them.

My issues with the film. First, it is obscenely long for what it is. Neither scary, nor funny. I'm not really sure who this movie was for, as it's a little heavy for the kids in my life, though I would have hated it back then. I also couldn't imagine an adult liking the film. Overall, it was a hard movie to get through, especially with its over two-hour run time. 

Skinamarink - Kyle Edward Ball - 2023

★★-Well, this movie was terrifying and disturbing, and extremely divisive. Pretty unique movie. You don't see any faces, really, just little legs going here and there and back. It's mostly ceiling lights, the teevee machine, an electrical outlet, interior doors, the floor, toys on the floor, so forth. All shot art-house style. Also, I hated it.

Gist is two children wake up in the middle of the night, alone, with all the windows and doors gone. They are trapped in the house with some sort of entities that want to do them harm, it seems. 

Over 12 minutes before absolutely anything happens. Just showing the house in spanning shots. Then a man makes a phone call, telling whoever is on the other end that “he fell down the stairs and hit his head.” At about the 16 minute mark, I was getting pretty bored when things finally start to happen. Patient filmmaking, or just laborious? I was trying to decide. That's when the doors, windows, and dad disappear, Lynchian style. I'd say he and David Cronenberg are obvious inspirations. 

At one point they ask why mom is crying. Right after they hear a thump upstairs, see a chair hanging from the ceiling, and decide they need to be quiet. Wondering where dad is, one asks where dad went, the other suggests that he might have went with mom, to which Kaylee responds that she doesn't want to talk about mom. From there, things start getting progressively creepier including the toilet disappearing, which is a dire situation indeed. Eventually they find dad and he tells them to look under the bed. When she looks up, dad is gone and mom stairs at the opposite wall, facing the other way on the other side of the bed. Mom tells her that her and dad love her very much, and that she needs her to close her eyes. She disappears but says, “There is someone here.” Yeah, it gets pretty terrifying from there. 

I know it's the easiest way to fuck with an audience, put a kid in danger. I am not really a kids person, but I don't like that shit. At least as to be over the top, not this sad, cruel shit. 

Shot on what looks like VHS or Hi8. The film takes place in 1995. Pretty much looks like my house back then. I think it is supposed to be a generic house that any of us could have lived in back then. Tapping into our nostalgia and emotions to fuck with us with a super creepy ending that turns the chill on us, the audience. 

I'm honestly not really sure what this film was. I saw it called “an unsettling Rorschach test.” I definitely needed a palate cleanser after. Technically solid, but what the fuck. Extremely unsettling for a film that not much happens in. Not a fan. Gave me the heebs, especially the ending, but also bored me. 

The Beyond - Lucio Fulci - 1981

★★★-Gateway to hell in the basement of a hotel movie. “Southern Gothic” as it takes place in New Orleans, though it is directed by an Italian with actors from fucking everywhere. 

Directed by the infamous Lucio Fulci, who was known for treating everyone on set, especially women, like shit. He worked in various genres in a career that spanned nearly five decades. You know, comedy, Spaghetti Westerns, action, so forth. But he garnered a cult following for his giallo and horror flicks, mainly remembered for his “Gates of Hell” trilogy, of which this film is the second. The other two are City of the Living Dead (1980) and The House by the Cemetery (1981). 

The film doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. Dream logic flick. Voiceover makes it make even less sense. 

It's a pretty brutal movie. A child sees her mother killed by acid when going to identify the body of her father. There is a crucifixion, eye trauma (hes known for eye trauma), multiple deaths by acid, a woman whose seeing eye dog saves her from a zombie attack then turns into a zombie and rips out her throat, and a child, the one who watched her mom die, who gets her head blown off in graphic detail. Fulci apparently hated the child, accused her of being a drug addict, and maybe abused her. Harsh. The guy who does the deed had absolutely no hesitation in shooting her in the face, which I applaud. “She was a zombie?”

This male lead, played by one David Warbeck, is a good looking dude. Kind of a cross between Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery. British stage-trained actress Catriona MacColl stars. She is mostly remembered for this trilogy. The actress Cinzia Monreale plays the blind woman. She's remember for her work with Fulci and fellow Italian Joe D'Amato, notably in the film Beyond the Darkness. Her and Fulci famously did not get along. She is a really pretty lady. 

After treading on being a somewhat cerebral movie for the first three/fourths, the movie ends with a full on zombie attack out of nowhere. They go to the hospital which is overrun with zombies from the morgue or these are all patients, it does matter. Then they open a door, descend a staircase, and are back in the basement of the hotel. “Impossible,” they say. Dream logic. 

The end comes when the couple walk into Hell. What did they think would happen? Not great, but I was intrigued. It's grown on me since watching the other night, for sure. Still, not something I'd recommend to anyone off the street. 

The Night House - David Bruckner - 2020

★★★★- This was ghost night for the whole Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween challenge thing. 

The gist is a widow whose husband just committed suicide begins to figure his disturbing secrets. Ends up finding this murder house he built in the woods that is exactly like their house except for sort of off and unfinished. All is not what it seems.

Interesting movie. One of the ghost-as-a-metaphor movies. Like the Babadook except without an annoying child.

Concept was super interesting. The inverse house adds to the whole dream quality. Similar to Us in that way.

House (1977) is the greatest movie of all time

House. "The girls will wake up... when they are hungry." "Bananas... everywhere!" This movie is fucking bananas. It is out there. Obviously influenced some of my favorite horror, but this was something else. Definitely a lot of fun, but I'm not sure it is good. Basically takes the whole haunted house trope, and turns it into a zany movie of extremes that I guess are sort funny. Like Evil Dead II, but not nearly as good. I was really feeling it and then the last 10 or so minutes were terrible. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: House is a gleefully demented collage of grand guginol guffaws and bizarre sequences.

Gist is a young woman and six of her schoolmates travel to her elderly aunt's home in the country, which, indeed, turns out to be haunted. Thats one way to explain it, I guess. But what ensues is pretty indescribable. 

House is made in 1977. The Japanese horror comedy was directed, written, and produced by one Nobuhiko Obayashi. It came about after a film company approached him (he was previously a director of commercials) about writing a script "like Jaws." When he came back with the screenplay for this nonsense and the company was like, "what the fuck is this shit?",  and he figured he'd have to make the movie himself if he wanted his vision to come to life. 

Amateur actors are okay, but the real MVP of the movie has to be Obayashi for getting this psychedelic flick made. It is also pretty engaging and beautiful. From the trailer, I was expecting way less in terms of plot, not this this has a real coherent narrative or anything. It is worth a watch if you are into extremely weird shit. 

Night of the Demons 3 is the worst movie of all time

Come here. Just the bitch I was looking for! Oh, look, another one of these movies. This one a threequel. That's where the magic starts. You know, when things go way off the rails. This is, of course, no exception. So while a bad movie, it is pretty fun. Has the stink of Canada all over it. 

Gist is that a group of kids try to buy booze to party on Halloween and it goes horribly wrong. They end up shooting a cop, which is insane, and have to go on the lamb. The guy who did the shooting is obviously completely over-the-top. He totally commits to this life of crime when they can't buy booze, which is grossly unnecessary. Maybe try another gas station before going scorched earth. But his girlfriend is into it. She seems to be turned on by this nonsense and fully commits to this crazy life their going to have. Some of the others aren't so into it, but they don't really have a choice at this point. 

To avoid arrest, they go hide out in the old abandoned mansion that becomes possessed on Halloween night. They are obviously unaware of this fact or of Angela. Once again we have Amelia Kinkade, the glue that holds the franchise together, I guess in the role. She plays the role of the demon character Angela known for her gross "sexy" dancing. If you were into that the first two times you saw it, don't worry, this third installment has that too. She shows up, does her vomit-inducing sexy dancing, and starts killing the 30 year old teens one by one. 

This movie features some of the most bat-shit decisions in all of the films I've ever seen. You get turned down for booze at a gas station so you steal the attendant's shotgun and shoot the place up? A cop show up so you fucking shoot him? What the fuck are we doing here? You're on the lamb and a demon is killing your friends? Might as well bone, am I right?  Have some self-control.

Some of the names of the people in the film are Vlasta Vrána, Gregory Calpakis, Tara Slone, Christian Tessier, Joel Gordon, Larry Day, Kristen Holden-Reid, Stephanie Bauder, and Patricia Rodriguez. I didn't recognize any of them though it looked like most of them have had semi-successful careers. The problem with the movie isn't the acting. 

The plot, which is completely insane--one character has a snake hand for christ's sake (like, that shit really happens in a movie)--isn't the worst thing either. That would be the truly horrific CGI. This shit is like really bad. It would have been noticeably bad in the 1980s. Was awful for 1997. It is OMG bad by today's standards. And it was completely unnecessary. But, again, gives it charm in that so bad it's fun to watch way. 

Overall, while I liked the first two, the second was a lot of fun, this is sort of a terrible send off. Disappointing since Kevin S. Tenney, who directed the first one, wrote the screenplay. The franchise got a reboot in 2009. Don't think they'll be revisiting this any time soon. 

House II: The Second Story is the worst movie of all time

"Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something." Purty much. Gist is the house from House has been reinherited by someone else now which doesn't make sense but none of that shit matters, plus the house rules don't matter anyway. Instead of a home that plays off the fears of the occupants that creates a sort of personalized hell, now we have giant Aztecs running around with mythical creatures and reanimated corpses. Um, ok. And everyone is going after a crystal skull with magical powers. Crystal fucking skulls, the bain of my existence. 

Few people you may recognize. First, there is Bill Maher. His character is supposed to be a real buzzkill, I think, but comes off as pretty reasonable and sort of a good guy. You see, he tells the protagonist's GF that the dude (protagonist/the owner of the house) was making out with his ex at this Halloween party they are hosting. She and Bill Maher leave and are never seen again. That would normally make them the MVPs; however, that cute-ass little glowworm dog that looks sort of like a Boston is the real MVP. Lar Park Lincoln, who plays the GF, who was the psychic chick from Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, John Ratzenberger aka Cliff from Cheers, the judge from Twin Peaks, and the familiar from Fright Night are the only others you'll recognize. 

Overall, a big yeesh. I remember this movie being not great but fun. It was not fun and was in fact garbage. At least you don't have to watch the first one to get the gist. But, trust, hard pass on this flick unless you are some kind of Bill Maher completist, in which case, god help you. 

Housebound is the greatest movie of all time

Housebound. New Zealand picture. Lots of crossover with The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings actors. Horror then comedy (easily my favorite genre) that works on both levels. There aren't many movies more in my wheelhouse. Of course I love the shit out of this movie. Has a shockingly high RT Fresh score of 98% though it is so well done that I couldn't imagine it being a dud or anything. Also, I find the main character, Morgana O'Reilly as Kylie Bucknell, to be crazy attractive which is always a plus. She also wins the movie.

Rotten Tomatos Consensus: Alternately hilarious, gross, and simply diverting, Housebound is the rare horror-comedy that delivers on both fronts.

Part People Under the Stairs. Part Rear Window. Movie follows a woman sentenced to house arrest with her parents, whom she estranged, in what appears to be more and more like a legit haunted house. A lot of the fun comes from the mother and daughter being so estranged and her being forced back into her childhood home. Only actor I've ever seen is Rima Te Wiata, who plays the mom, Miriam Bucknell. She was in a Taika Waititi, the guy who did What We Do In The Shadows and Thor: Ragnarok, that guy is seriously great, called Hunt for the Wilderpeople that is a really sweet film. Other than that it is all that guys from LOTRs and Xena. Released at South by Southwest, directed by one Gerard Johnstone, this is his only film, still. That is a travesty. Get this guy money to make another movie for god's sake.

Anyway, There are like three times you think you know what is going on in this flick but everything completely turns, keeping you on your toes. At first everything seems supernatural as Kylie discovers that the house used to be a mental institution where a brutal murder took place just a few years before. Then it seems certain that a neighbor is responsible. Then about five other things go down where you don't know who is causing all the shit or what is about to happen.

There are a couple of terrifying scene in there. Like when Kylie comes face to face with what is going bump in the night for the first time, that shit is fucked up. There is also this scene where Kylie wakes up and this Teddy Ruxpin type thing with a voice box that you can record on which is malfunctioning, making it sound demonic, shows up suddenly one night, talk shit. Kylie is like, "what the fuck did you say to me?" Then the bear starts in with that slow, terrifying, mechanical voice and she punches it in the face, "stop tickling me," it says, as it goes into the fire. The next day, whilst taking a shower, the same bear, mostly burned and way more terrifying, suddenly shows up in the shower with her, speaking garbled nonsense. Totally a WTF moment. To make things worse, as a former addict, everyone thinks she is crazy. Not a good position to be in.

Great flick that has the viewer all over the place in a way that is totally realistic and makes sense in the movie. Not one of those twists for no reason movies. In this you just slowly get more info as time goes on, shedding more light on the last revelation. I love a movie that makes you ask a lot of question but all the shit gets answered and comes together in the end. This is one of those rare satisfying movies.

The Houses October Built 2 is the worst movie of all time

The Houses October Built 2. Trash. Like the first one which I watched last year, the idea is interesting--check out and show us some cool haunts from around the country, go to one that ends up being too extreme, so forth--but ends up being sort of boring and lame. Like watching someone else play a video game, I don't really get into watching other people do something I'd rather be doing. I want to go to a haunted house, one way less extreme than The Blue Skeleton or anagram Find Hellbent from this one, I don't really want to see someone else do it. That is sort of related to why I think it is sort of trash as it's barely a movie. More just showing people go to these things and then loosely tying it to a plot. This one is way less ambiguous than the first which is something that flick had going for it. First it tells us what happened at the end of the first one, they all survived, then the ending of this one it is obvious that they all live and the extreme haunt isn't out to do them any physical harm (they they may have killed off the friendship). Not really all that crazy, really. Sort of just a meh documentary that's fake. It's whatever, I guess. But hey. They made a movie. Better than the one I did in college. But it's still trash and the worst movie of all time.

Still lame

Pros: Sort of inspiring for the Halloween season. Gets you in that mood and what not.

Cons: Basically the same movie as the first one only more boring. Not much happens. Less intriguing of an ending than the first as well. The ending is weak. The stakes are obviously much lower than in the first one since we find out nothing happened to anyone at the end of the first one. The one lame doll chick is back now only taller. She is wearing a mask so why not use a different child? IDK.

Gist of the alleged film... Getting over being buried alive by a called "The Blue Skeleton" in the first film, a group of 30 somethings that are into extreme haunts go around the country going to more haunted houses, this time with something of a celebrity status from after going viral because of their nearly getting killed for their love of haunts. They go to haunted hayrides and meh haunted houses before doing another "extreme haunt", this one titled "Find Hellbent" which later we see is an anagram for "The Blue Skeleton" which is stupid. This time the extreme haunt is more focused on the dudes of the bunch as we find out that they set up the lone chick in the first one. But where they psychologically scared her, they made the dudes feel uncomfortable for like an afternoon. Yeah. They need her to do the haunts with them as she went most viral or whatever and she is an attractive lady and they are all gross dudes. I thought for sure she was going to freak out and kill someone at the end and then they would reveal it was fake but that did not happen. I thought this, in part, because of this newscast that is supposed to be the last thing to happen chronologically that stays vague but says there was a huge tragedy this time around. I have no idea what that was referring to or what that possibly could have been.

To be clear, this film is much worse than the previous one which was also a Worst Movie of All Time but that one was a close call. It was directed by one Bobby Roe who plays the role of Bobby and produced by Zack Andrews who plays the role of Zack. The other three actors that roll around in the motor-home going from haunt to haunt, all playing the characters with their real first names, are Jeff Larson, Mikey Roe, and Brandy Schaefer as the chick.

No deaths so that shit is easy. Though they twice coming pretty damn close. The first is when the Blue Skeleton or whatever pumps in sleeping gas to the RV. If you are old enough to remember the Moscow theater hostage crisis from back in 2002 or the 2003 documentary Terror In Moscow, then you know that shit doesn't always end well. So yeah. Lucky to not have died here. Then there is a scene where Brandy fakes her own death by putting a gun in her mouth, it firing a blank, and then a blood pack or squib or whatever going off in the back of her head to make it look like she had blown her brains out. There was a shitty high school mystery novel I read as a child that I somehow remember vividly about a high school stage production where a murder goes down with blanks in the gun because the hot wax or whatever is in there can actually shoot out and what not. I'm just going to assume that is bullshit though as I've only heard that that one time from this book whose name I don't recall. She is still putting a lot of trust in this group that buried her alive the previous year. They could have put a real bullet in there and, boom, you've a dead chick that appears to have committed suicide. I sure as shit wouldn't have done that shit.

Yeah, that guy who eats a lot

As far as the scenes go, I'll focus on the haunts and how bad they made me want to go to some similar shit. Of the haunts they go to the coolest one looked to be the zombie escape room where they had to find a cure before getting turned. The zombie 5K also looked fucking sick and is definitely something I want to do. The haunted hayride was pretty whatever but I do love hayride even though they are traditionally weak. Though the owner jokes about burying them alive which I'm sure was hilarious for Brandy. The big zombie party in Minneapolis looked sweet too. World's largest zombie pub crawl or some such shit. They also participate in a brain taco eating contest against the great competitive eater Kobayashi. This sounds like a great way to get a prion disease and have a horrible death. Kobayashi destroys them, BTW, and they, as amateurs who can't eat for shit, spill the groceries on camera. On a related note, may have to go to there for Halloween some time.

Only line that stuck for me was something an actor at a haunted house said when trying to scare them. It was "You smell different when you are awake," which is pretty freaky. By the way, several people, just random haunt actors, talk about the haunted house network which I'm pretty sure isn't really a thing. I worked at a haunted and know someone who owns a pretty decent one. Never have I heard of this which they act like is last great American union or something.

MVP is I guess Halloween. While this movie wasn't all that great, it did inspire me to go out and do some holiday related shit (once I get time). Likely that weekend before Halloween and the days leading up as I'm taking vacation time to enjoy the holiday. Why watch this trash when you can go to a haunted house yourself though my success rate with them are one in four or so are worth a shit. Plus I didn't know how dope Minneapolis looked or how fun a zombie 5K would be before seeing this shit. So yeah, Halloween celebrations are the real MVP, yo, in this POS, the worst movie of all time.

Ghostbusters (2016) is the greatest movie of all time

I didn't see this in the theater in part because people kept saying it was trash. Those people don't know what the fuck they are talking about because Ghostbusters is the greatest movie of all time. I feel if you didn't like this fun ass movie, then you are a fucking hater and should be murdered. Female companion says this is coming on a little strong. I think she is coming on a little strong. Murdered I say!

Anyway, when compared to the 1984 Ghostbusters this probably isn't quite as good we are all binary here, baby, and this new one, as of this writing, is the greatest, I tell you. We pretty much know the storyline: sort of the same as the original (ish) with ladies instead of dudes and a vastly different villain as well as ending. I'm not exactly sure if the four women (Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig) line up with their male counterparts (Dan Aykroyd as Ray, Ernie Hudson as Winston, Bill Murray as Peter Venkman, and Harold Ramis as Egon), but if I had to I'd say Wiig is the straight man Akroid type, McCarthy is the Peter Venkman, McKinnon as the goofball in glasses one, and Jones as the black one (the early hate on her in this I'd guess has turned around). And Chris Hemsworth is in it and totally ridiculous. 
 

Ridiculous

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Ghostbusters does an impressive job of standing on its own as a freewheeling, marvelously cast supernatural comedy -- even if it can't help but pale somewhat in comparison with the classic original.

The worst

Pros: Hilarious. Casting is flawless. Cameos are fucking solid. Storyline is decent. 

Cons: So much fucking CGI. Some really shitty jokes mixed in there. Slimer is terrible. 

Notes: Some stuff I liked in no particular order. The ladies make a bunch of references to the YouTube hate they got when they dropped the first trailer to show, “hey, we are in on it. We are meta and postmodern.” It's not particularly clever but it's there. In the movie they read the comments related to their ghost videos and they aren't kind. They keep saying stuff like, “you can't pay attention to what crazies say on YouTube,” wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Sort of overdone but it gets a pass because I am being generous and my eyes having been rolling enough as it is. 

This guy

The guy that plays Sam Adams in Making History is just too weird to live, man. He plays this creep named Rowan North. He is the antagonist in the film. His thing is that he wants to usher in the apocalypse for whatever reason. Find out it's the old “garbage that needs to be cleaned” motive. He really comes on the scene when he plants some ghost summoning device at a concert and all hell breaks loose in probably the coolest scene of the movie. The Ghostbusters luckily capture the apparition and it goes viral. This brings about the best cameo as Bill Murray comes in as a paranormal debunker. He is such a dick and talks the ladies into releasing the ghost from its trap. It flies out and immediately kills him by throwing him out the window. The death was laugh out loud funny.

The most cringe-worthy joke comes when we get the “guilty as charged” bit which I apparently hated enough to jot down without any context. When I Googled the phase and “Ghostbusters” I got a lot of people also hating that line which was featured in the trailer. I am only guessing here, I actually watched this weeks ago but I'm a backed up on writing about all this shit, but I think it was something like “if it's crime being sexy, then guilty as charged.” Die.

Other than the little nitpicky things I just listed, the giant Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons that show up out of nowhere which goes unexplained, and the CGI heavy corny-ass fight scene at the end, this was a solid movie with lots going for it.

The Houses October Built is the worst movie of all time

The Houses October Built follows four bros and their chick friend who road trip through the mid-southern region of thee United States as they go from one bad ass haunted house to another while looking for an extreme experience that will literally scare the shit out of them, which they more or less succeed in doing. As all this goes down, they pick up stalkers from the various attractions they go to before ending up at the big, fucked up one at the end. Yeah, fuck this movie.

I can relate to this movie on a couple levels and really liked most of it. First, fucking love haunted houses. Every year I try to hit a couple and will make a trip to a really good every couple of years. Usually one in Indy that is expensive (in the $25 range) and lasts about an hour. I fucking love those. Second, my first ever "job" was volunteering at a haunted house. It was just a quick little one circa 1995. I was in the seventh grade. I wore the Scream costume, which was a cheapy Halloween costume at the time, the year before Scream came out. Hid out in a trashcan close to the exit so when people thought they were done, I would pop out for one last jump scare. It was fucking great.

The best thing about the movie is the road tripping from one great haunt to another. Now I totally want to do this. Road trip to the best haunts in the Midwest shall be happening as long as I can get my female companion on board

Pros: For basically amateurs, the acting is solid. Good premise (although the "murders" or whatever are pretty unbelievably vindictive over a very slight). Would have been a dope documentary.

Cons: Feels very long. Is not very taut. This movie could be significantly cut down. Bros fucking rapping. Little girl doll thing is lame. Dear god the ending is fucking terrible.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Opens with documentary style footage of people talking about haunted houses (as in the kind you go to in October where people dress up and scare you). Get some background on "The Blue Skeleton," an underground haunt with no fixed location, sounds pretty cool. This is Halloween night, apparently. The obligatory pretty lady is thrown in a trunk. Wakes up, covered in blood. Looks sort of panicked.

Cut back to six days before... Five friends going to haunted houses across the country on this dope sounding road trip on a Winnebago. Filming it with GoPros and such to “document” it. Looks like a really good home movie, which it sort of is until things go down near the end.There is no way this movie has any sort of a budget. Still looks pretty good though. Digital format. Something I wouldn't have noticed had I not just bought a GoPro.

Creepy clowns, meh

The first haunted house they go to looks fucking sick. Honestly, they all do. This is the best part of the movie. Seeing these sick haunts. Anyway, their good time comes crashing down at this location when a jackass in the group--the fat, bearded one--climbs up onto the roof and yells in a megaphone that he is “a Halloween god” which was dumb. Management, dressed as creepy clowns, are pissed. Try to break his camera. They get away. Leaving when the clown shows up looking scary as fuck. Needs to chill out a little bit and let it fucking go. 

This is around where we get the terrible rap. Around the time they are on the way to zombie paintball, which is dope. Some guy who presumably works at the haunt shows up out of nowhere. He is needlessly a dick. This goes nowhere. This weird doll-girl thing from the first haunt shows up at their Winnebago, lets herself on board, and proceeds to freak out. What the fuck is this? They sort of throw in their collective hats that this girl is like their Jigsaw or whatever.

Lame

Next locale, one of them is in the woods taking a piss. This guy in a deranged bunny costume and an ax comes out and scares the shit out of him. Chases him about a little bit. Dude falls. If this were a conventional horror movie he would be toast but the bunny dude just laughs, mocks him, and sort of sardonically hops away while giggling. Mansfield, Texas haunt looks truly terrifying and easily the greatest haunted house I've seen with fucked up simulated violence and a falling elevator. The actors also know their names, which is weird.

No

So this might be the weirdest part. They go to a strip club where the strippers are in costume. This was fucking disgusting. It would be like a totally nude stripper with a fucked up zombie face with like shit hanging off of it or in a wolfman mask or something. Nobody wants to see that. I say that and then immediately after the fat bearded one tries unsuccessfully to hook up with a haunt actor in full makeup. Some dudes are into some weird shit.

These creepy people keep showing up in the middle of fucking nowhere. GPS tracking them or something? Film them in their sleep. Leave a heart in the fridge. Drive to Baton Rougue, LA. Go to this bar. Is this the beginning of it? No. Act like they are going to rape the girl. Classy. Also, people really don't like cameras in this world.

Whole time I am betting on whether they are going to actually get killed or is just a haunt. My final answer on this was a firm haunt. There is one point where there are like 70 people out in the woods just to fuck with them. On the one hand, it's not like these people are getting paid for this elaborate setup. A lot of people not making any money. These people have jobs and shit. To use your vacation time to pull this off, you've got to be murdering folks. But ultimately I figure that is way too many people to be on board with murder. Some of them would have to like, “yeah, I am not ok with this.”

I get behind just a bunch of buddies going out and making a movie. Awesome. This is better than most of those. Right on. I couldn't do this. Fuck yeah. But... the end is fucking stupid. I'll try not to give anything away here. I'll just say it's like a few more shitty jump scares that don't work and then, oh my god, it's fucking over. I hadn't known that there was a lot of hate for the ending but after seeing it in all it's shitty glory, yeah, it's fucking deserved. It totally just ruined the fucking movie. This would have been alright had they put a little more energy in the ending. But they ran out of money or steam or whatever... And banished. Worst. Movie. Ever.

The Frighteners is the greatest movie of all time

I was really into Peter Jackson when this movie came out. I loved a movie of his called Dead Alive that is all gore and is fucking amazing. This was his transition film from B-movie director to Hollywood. When The Frighteners came out, I was stoked. And I at the time I loved it... Annnnnnnnddddd, I still do; however, there are a couple of things...

Side note about the history of this movie: This was apparently the movie that got Jackson Lord of the Rings because of Jackson’s visual effects company, Weta Digital, when LOTR was supposed to be a much lower budget film. Also, this was originally supposed to be a Tales from the Crypt spin off, which is insane, and was Fox’s last starring role on the big screen before the Parkinson’s forced him into semi-retirement. There are times in the movie where his hands shake a bit.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Boasting top-notch special effects and exuberant direction from Peter Jackson, The Frighteners is visually striking but tonally uneven.

Pros: Cast is amazing. Fox, Jeffrey Combs, R. Lee Ermey, Jake Busey. Story is solid. Humor is solid.

Cons: CGI is dated. Feels super long.

Sloppy AF

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: In The Frighteners we follow architect/medium Frank Bannister, played by Michael J. Fox, who gained the ability to talk to ghosts (and sort of see the future) following the murder of his wife by an apparition. He uses this ability and his dead buddies to con people into paying him to ghost bust their homes. Eventually he is ousted as a charlatan, but when the spirit of a mass murderer appears able to attack the living and the dead, posing as the Grim Reaper, Frank is prompted to investigate the supernatural presence which he rightly believes to be the entity that offed his old lady.

Frank is easily the worst driver of all time. He is all over the road early. Lanes are apparently optional. Cuts everyone off and runs everyone in a funeral procession off the road, nicely done. Then he parks in the entrance of the cemetery, blocking everyone one. This is just the beginning (he wrecks it multiple times chasing Busey and lets not even mention the wreck that factored in to his wife's death). Cool car though. Old Volvo. Looked it up. It's a 1959 Volvo PV 544 Sports Sedan. I'd look so cool driving that.

One of the people Frank hustles, this couple named Ray and Lucy. Really like this idiot Ray. He is such a meathead. Might as well be named Biff. He is one of Busey's first victims and he is pissed about it. When he dies he is the only one sad at the funeral. Thinks it a tragedy. He is pretty funny, actually. In the scene where Frank and Lucy, Ray's wife, go to a medieval times place for some unknown reason, the guy is totally out of control. He wants Frank to lie about money of her's he lost on a bad investment and then calls her a bitch when she says that is typical Ray. He also refuses to move on even though she clearly is. Though this doesn't sound very funny, I assure you it is.

The roadmap to pain

Also great is the guy from Re-Animator, Combs. I don't really know why he isn't in more things just based on cult status alone. No only was he in this movie and more or less the star in Re-Animator, he also starred in Castle Freak, From Beyond, and Trancers II. That is cult god status. Think of him as a sort of less attractive Bruce Campbell. In this movie he is a complete neurotic fool. Throws up when women talk to him and says things like "My body is a roadmap of pain" which is some pretty cool nonsense to say.

All in all, I consider this movie nearly flawless except for the really bad CGI. I remember it being fine at the time. It did not age well. There is a scene at the end, not to give too much away, where it looks especially shitty. You'll know the part when you see it. Weta Workshop was in its infancy at the time and was considered advanced in 1996. 

The Remains is the worst movie of all time

You've all seen this before. It's just like all the other haunted house movies you've seen. One of million Poltergeist/Amityiville clones. It's also not one of those so bad it has charm movies. It's just a shitty, boring, cliché of a movie.

Pros: The dad does okay and acts like a normal guy actually would in a situation like this (which at times is unintentionally hilarious).

Cons: Shitty acting. Completely unoriginal. Dialogue is bad.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Best/worst line: Most grown-worthy line came when this neighbor lady comes over. Says something like, “it's nice the house finally sold.” The dad says something like, “yeah, hard to believe it has been empty all this time.” She then says, “I wouldn't say it's been empty.” He is like what the hell does that mean. “Oh nothing, just that there are probably mice.” She fucking says that. The dad is like what the fuck was that shit?

Notes: Movie starts by going way back. Dream of the 1890s is alive in California, apparently. Olde timey couple with a missing daughter goes to a pair of spiritualists. These people can't act for shit. So robotic it is painful. It's still better than I can do but is noticeably not great. This is going to be an long hour and half if it stays like this. Otherwise a standard seance featuring demon possession and mass murder with a phonograph playing that “Daisy” song that Hall 3000 made forever creepy.

On to present day. More shitty acting, this time with annoying children. Actually, they aren't that bad. Widower dad (who is okay at times) with three kids (all of whom sort of suck). Two young'uns and a late teen who spends most of her time early in the movie sexting at inappropriate times with her BF (like during the walk through of the house). Looking at buying a house. End up at the murder house from scene one. Comes with an enticing creepy doll sized model of the house. If there is one of these in a house you are ever looking at buying, you should definitely live there. Later she finds a terrifying doll too. Maybe rent it out or something. Also doors keep slamming and people keep running by in the shadows. Beautiful house that is too good to be true situation. City owns it and supposedly wants to just get rid of it before it depreciates in value. But the doorbell is broken.

They are moved in. The older daughter is all rebellious and feisty—smoking, backtalk, occasional freakouts, so forth. Food delivery boy drops off dinner. Mentions the fucking doorbell. Also acts like a complete asshole. Says, “I didn't think anyone would ever buy this house.” Dad is like, what the fuck, and the kid is all, whatever, old man.

Three ghost happenings the first night. Day two they find a bunch of 1890s relics like the phonograph, the doll, an old camera, the dude's pocket watch from scene one. The youngest daughter, who is a little violent and crazy, is acting strange. Like maybe she is possessed at this point. Clueless dad is like, “I need to check all this weird shit out before you play with it... It could be worth some money,” and fucking yoinks the doll. The two little kids are like super lethargic almost immediately. Basically zombies. The dad is almost comically clueless here. Kids barely able to say they want eggs for breakfast without drooling. Dad cracks them open and they filled with blood. He is like, “huh, that is weird. They must be rotten. What do you know?”

Escalates from there. Kids act weird. Shit happens to them. The boy wets himself. The girl faints. Explained as low blood sugar. Meanwhile, older sister wants to bone her skeezy BF but ghostus interruptus. Start getting ghost warning from beyond the grave. At this point the dad figures out that some shit went down in the house. Dad decides what they need to do is get rid of the stuff that was there when they moved in. But all of them are like attached to one of the items and he can't. His is the watch. He now starts dreaming about killing the kids. The movie predictably escalates from there and then it ends predictably with the survivor girl barely even noticing anything is going on. From her standpoint shit only gets weird for like two minutes of the movie then she burns the items and it's fucking over. But wait. One last shitty jump scare and we are back to the realtor selling the house again to another stupid family. What the fuck? It makes no fucking sense at all. Is she like in on it with demons/ghosts? I have no fucking clue. It's so fucking stupid. Nor is it ever scary. This is in no way worth your time.