Hubie Halloween is the okayest movie of all time

I’m asexual, but that girl’s making me hella horny. Adam Sandler movie. It was fun, but I don't think I laughed but maybe a handful of times. I think that was mostly at Maya Rudolph. Love her. Oh, and when all the news anchor ladies (one of whom was a news anchor in real life and was fired for breach of contract for appearing in the film, which is some bullshit) were dressed as Harley Quinn. Maybe once or twice at Steve Buscemi. Overall it was a good time, but I'm not gonna remember it a year from now, and it's not super rewatchable like Billy Madison or some of his other best films. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Viewers immune to its star's charms won't find it much of a treat, but Hubie Halloween is sweet enough to satisfy fans of Adam Sandler's antics.

Gist is that this sort of idiot played by Adam Sandler named Hubie Dubois, sweet guy, like fucking lives for Halloween in his hometown of Salem, which he fucking loves the shit out of. Yeah, he gets bullied constantly. Slowly, those bullies start to disappear. Foul play is indeed going down though Hubie suspects there is a supernatural element at play. Hubie shares a lot of DNA with Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy. Same voice and demeanor. Basically a lovable idiot.  

Movie stars Adam Sandler. Still a fan. I know he had a few duds in there, but generally, his movies are still enjoyable. Also in the flick are Kevin James, Julie Bowen who is the love interest and was the love interest in Happy Gilmore, Rob Schneider, Kenan Thompson, Shaquille O'Neal, and Steve Buscemi. Bullies include Ray Liotta (whose always a dick), Maya Rudolph (she's the best), and Tim Meadows, among others. Best cameo though was from Ben Stiller who reprises his role as Hal L., the raging orderly from Happy Gilmore. Sandler's wife and kids are also in the movie, which is pretty endearing. 

Ok. Quick bone to pick. I usually don't pick a whole lot of nits, but after Hubie saves the day at the end, we cut to a year later. Hubie is now the mayor of Salem. That means that he would have had to get elected the previous year, like a week after most of the movie goes down. Pretty sure that he would have already had to do a bunch of stuff to get on the ballot at that point with early voting and all. Plus he no time to campaign. Must have been one hell of a write-in situation. But, yeah, not really the point of the movie, I guess. 

For me, the MVP of the movie was Salem. I'm totes going there for Halloween some year. Town really gets into it with its history and everything. Looks to have a carnival-type atmosphere. They know how to do it up. 

MacGruber is the greatest movie of all time

MacGruber. Dead at the age of who the fuck cares. I'm a little embarrassed at how much I laughed at this movie. I was a little fucked up and this really got me laughing. A few times. Him boning his ghost wife in the graveyard and getting a view of what another in the graveyard sees, him humping the air like a maniac in front of a tombstone, that shit was funny. Movie, however, was not well received by critics. But what the hell do they know. Multiple LOL causing scenes. Not often a comedy gets one genuine one. What more could I ask for? Greatest movie of all time. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It too often mistakes shock value for real humor, but MacGruber is better than many SNL films -- and better than it probably should be.

One of the better SNL skits turned movies. Gist of this flick is that MacGruber, a former Navy SEAL/Army Ranger/Green Beret and recipient of 16 Purple Hearts, goes back to work for the US Military to stop his nemesis, Dieter Von Cunth, who is planning on detonating a nuclear warhead at the State of the Union. MacGruber fucking hates Cunth for killing his soon to be wife at their wedding as they are exchanging vows. He teams up with a first-year with no combat experience, played by Ryan Phillippe, and his dead fiancee's best friend, played by Kristen Wiig. 

Staring in this movie are is Will Forte as MacGruber. Wiig as work partner and love interest Vicki St. Elmo, MacGruber's. Maya Rudolph as the dead fiancee. A shitton of wrestlers: The Big Show, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Kane, and MVP.  Powers Booth whom I mostly think of as Senator Roark from Sin City and the sequel--he plays the army guy that recruits MacGruber. And Val Kilmer plays the heavy, Cunth, but I'm just going to call him Val Kilmer. It was directed by one Jorma Taccone of the comedy trio The Lonely Island. 

Basically going to try to explain why this shit is funny, which is always a tall order. Just know that it's basically Will Forte throwing 100 miles an hour for two hours. Example, throughout the movie, MacGruber tells like eight to ten dudes that he is going to rip their dicks off and feed it to them. Eventually, Val Kilmer calls him out on it and MacGruber is like well, I've got a killer line I'm going to say to you! At the end, during their final showdown after Kilmer has survived an explosion that resulted in excessive burning, Kilmer is all giddy, telling him to say the line to him. MacGruber says "how's your dick taste while reaching for it in the guy's pants. No dick. "Haha. It got burned off in the explosion." This causes MacGruber to go into a blind rage and do this: 

Then there is this little ditty of an exchange that had me fucking dying. 

Piper: Why did he do it, why did Cunth kill your wife?    

MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea.    

We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. After graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man, and right about that time I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to uh, let eat out my butt.    

Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me, she was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it obviously, so we could start fresh, and she agreed.    

We were so in love. He took that from me.    

Piper: That's really fucked up.    

MacGruber: Thanks.

I couldn't stop laughing through this shit. Anyway, though Forte was fucking insane, I thought that Wiig won the movie. That chick is so great in everything and always steals the show. Not quite on the level of Kate McKinnon, who I think is maybe the funniest SNL cast member of all time, but she is always great. Perfect in this. And her and Forte obviously have comedic rapport. 

Side note. There is a scene where Wiig dresses up like MacGruber to act as a decoy in a Starbucks. He makes her order his drink, he's all about that Tazo Tea, and when she drops the change in the tip jar, he tells her through her ear piece to fish it out, he would never tip. They then meet back up both dressed as MacGruber. This would be a dope couple Halloween costume. I think that is what I and my female companion may go as this year.

The Happytime Murders is the worst movie of all time

The Happytime Murders. Fucking train wreck. Worse than the previous Melissa McCarthy movie I saw this year that was also a fucking train wreck. That one was Life of the Party which I'll probably never write about at this point. Didn't do a write up on it because I was trying to stay positive back when. Now that I have given that shit up, here is a huge piece of shit for you to read about, if that is what you want to do. Easily the worst movie I've seen this year, this was the worst film of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The Happytime Murders wastes its intriguingly transgressive premise on a witless comedy that blindly pushes buttons instead of attempting to tell an entertaining story.

Pros: Maya Rudolph is great, as always. Elizabeth Banks is a pretty

Cons: Shit ain't funny. Confusing. Crass. McCarthy's shtick is wearing pretty thin. The puppet sex from the trailer is dumb and annoying. Barely entertaining.

Gist... Puppets from a 1990s children's show, Happytime, start getting killed off by a mysterious killer. One of the victims has brother who is a disgraced LAPD detective now working as a private eye that also once dated the human lead, played by Banks, and looks like Kevin Nealon takes the case to find who is killing off these Sesame Street rejects. Along the way his former captain, who eventually likes him for the killings, reinstates him as a consultant and pairs him up with his old partner, played by McCarthy, who hates his guts. Premise had potential but again, shit ain't funny. Don't go watch it.

Here is some weirdness... The movie was directed by one Brian Henson, chairman of The Jim Henson Company, who is Jim Henson's son, which is insane. He even directed two Muppet movies one of which was 1992's The Muppet Christmas Carol which is easily my favorite Muppet movie and Christmas Carol movie. So this was not only endorsed by the Jim Henson estate, it was actually made by it. A movie about puppet murder with puppet sex/ejaculation and flashes of puppet vag. All of this was so ill advised that it is un-fucking-believable and I'm willing to bet the last feature film out of that arm of the company.

Anyway, the movie stars McCarthy and this Bill Barretta who plays the puppet PI, Phil Phillips. No Sam Spade, either of them. Also in the movie are the likes of Elizabeth Banks as Jenny the only human on Happytime, Leslie David Baker whom you'll recognize from his role Stanley on The Office as Lt. Banning, Joel McHale as Agent Campbell of the FBI, and Maya Rudolph as Phillips's secretary Bubbles.

The kills, for their part, were pretty solid with multiple candidates for best of the movie. Probably my personal favorite, and the only time in the movie where I genuinely chuckled, was the protagonist's brother who got ripped apart by dogs, which is a constant threat with these guys. They rip them up like typical dogs would a chew toy with stuffing all over the place. They catch the culprit and it is a tiny little Boston Terrier. So cute. Looks, and acts, just like my little Lu. Honorable mention was the quadruple homicide in the porn shop when everyone in there gets plugged with a shotgun and their heads explode with a puff of stuffing.

On the other hand, not a lot of good one-liners nor scenes that really impressed. For best line, the one I'm going with is "He's a blue loser puppet with a tiny felt cock." It's just meh, like the whole movie. That also applies to the best scene which I'd say is likely the Basic Instinct allusion where the little red-headed puppet flashes her vagina, made of velvet, we learn, and we get a view of an insane amount of purple puppet hair. It is gross and insane and sort of funny but not really. The red-head, by the way, is a bizarre twist on the Femme Fatale if you are familiar with noir trope where the PI is setup by a sexpot which becomes his undoing.

MVP is an easy one in Maya Rudolph. She really brought it. The only moments of the film I enjoyed were the ones with her and McCarthy together, much like Life of the Party. She was sort of funny and I enjoyed when she was on screen though I thought they under utilized her. She is a real gem, this chick. But yeah, don't see this movie. Totally not worth your time. I know. Sounds like a solid premise. Trust me. You'll regret it.