Ghostwatch - Lesley Manning - 1992

★ - Found footage night for the Nightmare on Film Street movie challenge. This is actually a mockumentary. Not streaming anywhere. Had to run down to Vulture Video, a local rental place that carries obscure, avant-garde films, to get it. Physical media, y’all! 

Gist is a bunch of BBC television personalities/broadcasters investigate a haunting that they present as live television. Gets progressively crazier until shit goes down, sort of. When it originally aired there was a short disclaimer at the beginning saying it was fake, but they obviously knew what they were doing. People lost their minds and called the number on the screen which supposedly said again that it was fake but over 1 million people called and no one got through. It’s never been rerun in the UK.

Found it to be pretty meh. However, the mother at the house they are investigating keeps talking about her ex-husband’s “gloryhole.” “I’m sorry, did you just say gloryhole?” It’s what he called his dark room. Things didn’t work out between you, you say. 😒

The Blair Witch Project is the greatest movie of all time

The Blair Witch Project.  "I just want to apologize to Mike's mom, Josh's mom, and my mom. And I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive. I am so so sorry for everything that has happened. Because in spite of what Mike says now, it is my fault." Anyone who doesn't like this movie got bamboozled when it came out. Another horror movie from my Greatest Years in Cinema Project. This one form 1999. The first time I saw this movie, before my junior year of high school,  was at the drive-in. I was at the concession though and missed the first few minutes. I missed the bit about Rustin Parr, the hermit who kidnapped and murdered a bunch of kids in the 1940s on the orders of the witch, stealing two at a time and making one stand facing the corner while he killed the other one. Sooooo, at the end when Mike is in the corner it didn't carry the impact intended as I thought he was taking a piss or something. I thought the movie was fucking dumb as shit because of this. When it came out on video I rewatched, forgetting all about that, just remembering I hated it and it was stupid. Oh, I thought, that shit is scary AF, actually. Greatest found footage movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Full of creepy campfire scares, mock-doc The Blair Witch Project keeps audiences in the dark about its titular villain -- thus proving that imagination can be as scary as anything onscreen.

Gist is that three film student who disappeared after filming a documentary in the woods of Maryland about the Blair Witch legend have their footage show up and shows a bunch of creepy shit. This is that footage.

More or less just three people in this with a few extras. The three we care about are Heather played by Heather Donahue, Josh played by Joshua Leonard, and Mike played by Michael C. Williams. Josh pops up every once in a while but Heather and Mike not so much, which is unfortunate since they were pretty solid, in my opinion, and since they didn't make shit and couldn't really capitalize on the success of the movie. A lot of why they could was because of the viral marketing campaign that said these were real kids that died. People ate that shit up, this was the early days of the internet and people believed everything. They still do I guess. Bursting that bubble though was when Donahue showed up in the Steak 'n Shake commercials. But some people still believed. Probably Trump supporters now. Donahue was also in maybe the worst movie I've ever seen, Boys and Girls. My girlfriend at the time made me go see this piece of trash. When middle school girls were walking out of it and shit, I thought about breaking up with her for making me stay. I never forgave her for this experience.

I remember there was this "documentary" that came out the summer of 1999 that aired on the SciFi Channel in 1999 called Curse of the Blair Witch that detailed the legend and was maybe as cool as the movie. In it we learn that the witch, one Elly Kedward, was this woman blamed for these child disappearances in the late 1700s. The towns folk ultimately sentenced her to death by exposure and banished her to the woods. Her body was never found. Then we get the guy from the 1940s, Rustin Parr. That shit was hot. Honestly, that whole legend shit and the marketing around it was the best part about it. I mean, total bullshit but cool. That is the MVP of the movie for me.

20 years later for my third viewing, shit holds up. Lot better than that Blair Witch trash from a few years back. Real disappointed by that turd. Loved two of the director's, one Adam Wingard, other movies. You're Next and The Guest but have pretty much hated everything since that. You're Next though is one of my favorite horror movies of the last decade. Up there with Get Out and shit. Then there was the sequel to BWP called Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 which I like a lot but was extremely poorly received. It stared Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice and Shut Eye both shows I was somewhat into and Kim Director whom I found extremely attractive. Will have to rewatch that one as well to see if it holds up. Will get back to you on if it does.

The Houses October Built 2 is the worst movie of all time

The Houses October Built 2. Trash. Like the first one which I watched last year, the idea is interesting--check out and show us some cool haunts from around the country, go to one that ends up being too extreme, so forth--but ends up being sort of boring and lame. Like watching someone else play a video game, I don't really get into watching other people do something I'd rather be doing. I want to go to a haunted house, one way less extreme than The Blue Skeleton or anagram Find Hellbent from this one, I don't really want to see someone else do it. That is sort of related to why I think it is sort of trash as it's barely a movie. More just showing people go to these things and then loosely tying it to a plot. This one is way less ambiguous than the first which is something that flick had going for it. First it tells us what happened at the end of the first one, they all survived, then the ending of this one it is obvious that they all live and the extreme haunt isn't out to do them any physical harm (they they may have killed off the friendship). Not really all that crazy, really. Sort of just a meh documentary that's fake. It's whatever, I guess. But hey. They made a movie. Better than the one I did in college. But it's still trash and the worst movie of all time.

Still lame

Pros: Sort of inspiring for the Halloween season. Gets you in that mood and what not.

Cons: Basically the same movie as the first one only more boring. Not much happens. Less intriguing of an ending than the first as well. The ending is weak. The stakes are obviously much lower than in the first one since we find out nothing happened to anyone at the end of the first one. The one lame doll chick is back now only taller. She is wearing a mask so why not use a different child? IDK.

Gist of the alleged film... Getting over being buried alive by a called "The Blue Skeleton" in the first film, a group of 30 somethings that are into extreme haunts go around the country going to more haunted houses, this time with something of a celebrity status from after going viral because of their nearly getting killed for their love of haunts. They go to haunted hayrides and meh haunted houses before doing another "extreme haunt", this one titled "Find Hellbent" which later we see is an anagram for "The Blue Skeleton" which is stupid. This time the extreme haunt is more focused on the dudes of the bunch as we find out that they set up the lone chick in the first one. But where they psychologically scared her, they made the dudes feel uncomfortable for like an afternoon. Yeah. They need her to do the haunts with them as she went most viral or whatever and she is an attractive lady and they are all gross dudes. I thought for sure she was going to freak out and kill someone at the end and then they would reveal it was fake but that did not happen. I thought this, in part, because of this newscast that is supposed to be the last thing to happen chronologically that stays vague but says there was a huge tragedy this time around. I have no idea what that was referring to or what that possibly could have been.

To be clear, this film is much worse than the previous one which was also a Worst Movie of All Time but that one was a close call. It was directed by one Bobby Roe who plays the role of Bobby and produced by Zack Andrews who plays the role of Zack. The other three actors that roll around in the motor-home going from haunt to haunt, all playing the characters with their real first names, are Jeff Larson, Mikey Roe, and Brandy Schaefer as the chick.

No deaths so that shit is easy. Though they twice coming pretty damn close. The first is when the Blue Skeleton or whatever pumps in sleeping gas to the RV. If you are old enough to remember the Moscow theater hostage crisis from back in 2002 or the 2003 documentary Terror In Moscow, then you know that shit doesn't always end well. So yeah. Lucky to not have died here. Then there is a scene where Brandy fakes her own death by putting a gun in her mouth, it firing a blank, and then a blood pack or squib or whatever going off in the back of her head to make it look like she had blown her brains out. There was a shitty high school mystery novel I read as a child that I somehow remember vividly about a high school stage production where a murder goes down with blanks in the gun because the hot wax or whatever is in there can actually shoot out and what not. I'm just going to assume that is bullshit though as I've only heard that that one time from this book whose name I don't recall. She is still putting a lot of trust in this group that buried her alive the previous year. They could have put a real bullet in there and, boom, you've a dead chick that appears to have committed suicide. I sure as shit wouldn't have done that shit.

Yeah, that guy who eats a lot

As far as the scenes go, I'll focus on the haunts and how bad they made me want to go to some similar shit. Of the haunts they go to the coolest one looked to be the zombie escape room where they had to find a cure before getting turned. The zombie 5K also looked fucking sick and is definitely something I want to do. The haunted hayride was pretty whatever but I do love hayride even though they are traditionally weak. Though the owner jokes about burying them alive which I'm sure was hilarious for Brandy. The big zombie party in Minneapolis looked sweet too. World's largest zombie pub crawl or some such shit. They also participate in a brain taco eating contest against the great competitive eater Kobayashi. This sounds like a great way to get a prion disease and have a horrible death. Kobayashi destroys them, BTW, and they, as amateurs who can't eat for shit, spill the groceries on camera. On a related note, may have to go to there for Halloween some time.

Only line that stuck for me was something an actor at a haunted house said when trying to scare them. It was "You smell different when you are awake," which is pretty freaky. By the way, several people, just random haunt actors, talk about the haunted house network which I'm pretty sure isn't really a thing. I worked at a haunted and know someone who owns a pretty decent one. Never have I heard of this which they act like is last great American union or something.

MVP is I guess Halloween. While this movie wasn't all that great, it did inspire me to go out and do some holiday related shit (once I get time). Likely that weekend before Halloween and the days leading up as I'm taking vacation time to enjoy the holiday. Why watch this trash when you can go to a haunted house yourself though my success rate with them are one in four or so are worth a shit. Plus I didn't know how dope Minneapolis looked or how fun a zombie 5K would be before seeing this shit. So yeah, Halloween celebrations are the real MVP, yo, in this POS, the worst movie of all time.

The Houses October Built is the worst movie of all time

The Houses October Built follows four bros and their chick friend who road trip through the mid-southern region of thee United States as they go from one bad ass haunted house to another while looking for an extreme experience that will literally scare the shit out of them, which they more or less succeed in doing. As all this goes down, they pick up stalkers from the various attractions they go to before ending up at the big, fucked up one at the end. Yeah, fuck this movie.

I can relate to this movie on a couple levels and really liked most of it. First, fucking love haunted houses. Every year I try to hit a couple and will make a trip to a really good every couple of years. Usually one in Indy that is expensive (in the $25 range) and lasts about an hour. I fucking love those. Second, my first ever "job" was volunteering at a haunted house. It was just a quick little one circa 1995. I was in the seventh grade. I wore the Scream costume, which was a cheapy Halloween costume at the time, the year before Scream came out. Hid out in a trashcan close to the exit so when people thought they were done, I would pop out for one last jump scare. It was fucking great.

The best thing about the movie is the road tripping from one great haunt to another. Now I totally want to do this. Road trip to the best haunts in the Midwest shall be happening as long as I can get my female companion on board

Pros: For basically amateurs, the acting is solid. Good premise (although the "murders" or whatever are pretty unbelievably vindictive over a very slight). Would have been a dope documentary.

Cons: Feels very long. Is not very taut. This movie could be significantly cut down. Bros fucking rapping. Little girl doll thing is lame. Dear god the ending is fucking terrible.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Opens with documentary style footage of people talking about haunted houses (as in the kind you go to in October where people dress up and scare you). Get some background on "The Blue Skeleton," an underground haunt with no fixed location, sounds pretty cool. This is Halloween night, apparently. The obligatory pretty lady is thrown in a trunk. Wakes up, covered in blood. Looks sort of panicked.

Cut back to six days before... Five friends going to haunted houses across the country on this dope sounding road trip on a Winnebago. Filming it with GoPros and such to “document” it. Looks like a really good home movie, which it sort of is until things go down near the end.There is no way this movie has any sort of a budget. Still looks pretty good though. Digital format. Something I wouldn't have noticed had I not just bought a GoPro.

Creepy clowns, meh

The first haunted house they go to looks fucking sick. Honestly, they all do. This is the best part of the movie. Seeing these sick haunts. Anyway, their good time comes crashing down at this location when a jackass in the group--the fat, bearded one--climbs up onto the roof and yells in a megaphone that he is “a Halloween god” which was dumb. Management, dressed as creepy clowns, are pissed. Try to break his camera. They get away. Leaving when the clown shows up looking scary as fuck. Needs to chill out a little bit and let it fucking go. 

This is around where we get the terrible rap. Around the time they are on the way to zombie paintball, which is dope. Some guy who presumably works at the haunt shows up out of nowhere. He is needlessly a dick. This goes nowhere. This weird doll-girl thing from the first haunt shows up at their Winnebago, lets herself on board, and proceeds to freak out. What the fuck is this? They sort of throw in their collective hats that this girl is like their Jigsaw or whatever.

Lame

Next locale, one of them is in the woods taking a piss. This guy in a deranged bunny costume and an ax comes out and scares the shit out of him. Chases him about a little bit. Dude falls. If this were a conventional horror movie he would be toast but the bunny dude just laughs, mocks him, and sort of sardonically hops away while giggling. Mansfield, Texas haunt looks truly terrifying and easily the greatest haunted house I've seen with fucked up simulated violence and a falling elevator. The actors also know their names, which is weird.

No

So this might be the weirdest part. They go to a strip club where the strippers are in costume. This was fucking disgusting. It would be like a totally nude stripper with a fucked up zombie face with like shit hanging off of it or in a wolfman mask or something. Nobody wants to see that. I say that and then immediately after the fat bearded one tries unsuccessfully to hook up with a haunt actor in full makeup. Some dudes are into some weird shit.

These creepy people keep showing up in the middle of fucking nowhere. GPS tracking them or something? Film them in their sleep. Leave a heart in the fridge. Drive to Baton Rougue, LA. Go to this bar. Is this the beginning of it? No. Act like they are going to rape the girl. Classy. Also, people really don't like cameras in this world.

Whole time I am betting on whether they are going to actually get killed or is just a haunt. My final answer on this was a firm haunt. There is one point where there are like 70 people out in the woods just to fuck with them. On the one hand, it's not like these people are getting paid for this elaborate setup. A lot of people not making any money. These people have jobs and shit. To use your vacation time to pull this off, you've got to be murdering folks. But ultimately I figure that is way too many people to be on board with murder. Some of them would have to like, “yeah, I am not ok with this.”

I get behind just a bunch of buddies going out and making a movie. Awesome. This is better than most of those. Right on. I couldn't do this. Fuck yeah. But... the end is fucking stupid. I'll try not to give anything away here. I'll just say it's like a few more shitty jump scares that don't work and then, oh my god, it's fucking over. I hadn't known that there was a lot of hate for the ending but after seeing it in all it's shitty glory, yeah, it's fucking deserved. It totally just ruined the fucking movie. This would have been alright had they put a little more energy in the ending. But they ran out of money or steam or whatever... And banished. Worst. Movie. Ever.

Blair Witch (2016) is the worst movie of all time

Been watching a lot of threequels lately. At movie three filmmakers either go over-the-top and flirt with comedy-horror (the Ghoulies going to college, Toxie going to work for Apocalypse Inc., Freddy saying “bitch” all the time) or reboot (see Jaws 3-D, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Jason wearing the hockey mask). This is in the reboot category and is totally unnecessary.

In this case, I remember liking The Blair Witch Project for nostalgia. Book of Shadows was shit. Then there was this one which basically remade the first one with better cameras and a stupid looking Jurassic Park dinosaur tree monster thing. There were like three ineffective jump scares and a horrible ending. I like pretty much everything; I did not like this movie.

Pros: 1 hour 29 min run time

Cons: Boring. I don’t give a fuck about the half dozen characters in this movie.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: The main character is the brother of the girl from the first one (she does not appear in the movie). He finds this YouTube video that makes him think his sister is still alive roaming the woods. She went missing when he was four, apparently, but now the dude looks like he is 35.

Main dude and three others go to the guy’s house who found the footage that became the first movie. He is like 12 so must have been an infant in 1999. Also, racist. He talks everyone into allowing him and his GF to go along. This guy gets more and more ratlike as the movie goes along. By the end he has a disgusting full beard even though the movie is over the course of three days. And he is a complete maniac.

Once they go out in the Blair Woods, or whatever they are called, which are time bending, supernatural, drone killing woods, one girl cuts her foot and something like enters the wound. Now this thing is like living inside her and likes comes out of the many gashes she picks up in the woods. Kept thinking that she would end up getting possessed by this magic bacteria and she would become a witch. But that didn’t happen and she eventually gets killed by the tree monster witch thing.

The rest of the movie was just, “hey, remember this from the first one?” Fucking sucked. Unfortunate as I like the first two and like the other work from director Adam Wingard whose work includes You're Next and The Guest which are both excellent.