Piranha 3DD is the worst movie of all time

Piranha 3DD. Jesus. This ins bad in a charmless, fuck-man-I-just-watched-this way. Piranha 3D was fine for what it was. Just a dumb B-movie that was fun and over-the-top but was taken seriously. I enjoyed it. 3DD feels like a cash grab that no one took seriously. Genuinely one of the worst, least enjoyable movies I've ever seen. Did definitely learn to spell piranha though. Piranha. Look at that shit.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It strains to up the gore and self-awareness of it predecessor, and -- despite some game celebrity cameos -- the result is a dispiriting echo of 2010's horror-comedy.

And away we go... Gist of the movie is that an ancient school of man-eating piranhas hyper-evolve in weird ways for no apparent reason and go from the lake in the first one to a new waterpark in the second. There is a whole subplot about the ownership of the waterpark with characters played by Danielle Panabaker who is apparently in Grey's Anatomy and The Flash among other things I've never watched and David Koechner who will always be Champ from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy to me. The Koechner character turns the place into an all nude place, more or less, though they still allow in children and shit like that. Others in the movie that I recognize are
crazy hot Katrina Bowden who was the intern chick on 30 Rock and was stellar in the flick Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Gary Busey with whom I share a birthday, the Clu Gulager who every time he shows up I remind everyone that he is awesome (his son, John Gulager who also did the movie Feast, is the director) has an extended cameo at the start of the movie (when reality goes out the window), David Hasselhoff who is leathery as fuck who is maybe the only thing I sort of like about the movie, Christopher Lloyd of Back to the Future, Doc Brown fame, Ving Rhames who was known for his role as Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction but now is just the Arby's guy, and Paul Scheer from Hell Baby and all the podcasts that I listen to.

Sigh. Where to begin. I'm not what you would call a stickler for movie logic but holy shit. I mean, I was fine with the piranhas living isolated in a cave below a lake for millions of years, feeding off of each other. That is insane. Did I complain. No. But for this movie that features piranhas that that inhabit and grow inside a woman's vagina after she inhaled fertilized piranha eggs (yeah, I have no idea) which bites a guy's dick off, of course, and are able to walk on land by the end of the movie, I have issues.

I was surprised when Rhames and Sheer show up, reprising their roles from the original. This was unnecessary and sad. Rhames completely phones it in. Sheer is pro though and seems like he at least wants to be there. In the first one, he falls off a boat into a piranha infested lake but other shit is going on and we don't see what happens to him though it is assumed he is dead. But then here he is, none worse for wear. Rhames, however, now has metal legs, which come in handy when pulling people out of shallow water. But, yeah, by the time they show up, at the waterpark for some sort of therapy session, I am way checked out. There are some unanswered questions here. Like how are these two hanging out in this universe? Sure, Rhames may have lived there since he was a cop there before his disability. But Sheer was a sleazy PA for a Girls Gone Wild type outfit. Why would he stick around? Also, why would they try to break their fear of water at an adult themed waterpark? Seems like an appropriate place for this to happen, I guess. Baby steps into the kiddie pool filled with naked women.

This movie was originally released in theaters, that part is crazy enough, in 3D, which is just insane. Might be the crappiest 3D movie in terms of everything. It's worse than Jaws 3D by a landslide. Mostly, this is just crappy looking fish and girls with giant 3D boobs running around. No one wins with a movie like this.

Piranha 3D is the greatest movie of all time

Piranha 3D. Trash. But fun AF. My female companion was pretty sure we'd watched this but no. That was either the original 1978 Joe Dante Piranha movie, which I loved as a child, or 1979's Killer Fish which was part of MST3K "The Return" on Netflix last year. Try to keep up. But I'll definitely watch this movie again.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Playing exactly to expectations for a movie about killer fish run amok, Piranha 3-D dishes out gore, guffaws and gratuitous nudity with equal glee.

Lots to like here. Ridiculously over-the-top. Shitty CGI that they roll with. Solid B-list cast. Gore. Gratuitous nudity, the best kind. This movie does indeed have it all. Sort of weird watch all the shots that were done for 3D in standard 2D but other than that, I can't complain as the movie is what I've known it would be since it came out back in the day. Didn't see it in the theater which is surprising.

Most of the kills are meh because the CGI looks so bad. Lot of faces and eyes getting eaten off. There is a chick parasailing on the back of a boat with her giant breasts out. Thought she was going to pop up with piranhas hanging off her nips but the movie isn't that silly though one of the "Wild Wild Girls" does get eaten and her implants float up to the surface. One of the victims that popped out was a redhead that gets pulled under on her inner tube. I recognized this chick as a contortionist I follow on Instagram, one Bendy Bonnie, aka Bonnie Morgan. I've long been fascinated by stretchy people, probably because I'm so not even though I work on it every day (yoga every fucking day and I can't just reach down and touch my toes [though I can after a minute or two]). First on my radar from this show I fucking loved that got cancelled called Hap and Leonard. She was a bendy former lover. In this movie she bends herself in half. She is pretty and seems cool and it was weird seeing a minor celebrity you follow online just pop up in a movie like this.

Moving on. Basically the same setup as The Meg. There is a cavern under the body of water where another body of water lies, one filled with prehistoric creatures that have a taste for humans, apparently. First casualty is Richard Dreyfuss who is supposed to be his character in Jaws, Matt Hooper. Self-referential and what not. Also get some meta commentary from Jerry O'Connell who plays Derrick who is the man behind the camera of a Girls Gone Wild type of thing. The real guy that the character is based on, one Joe Francis, great guy I'm sure, was hella pissed as O'Connell was super upfront about basing the character on this douchebag. In his official statement after Francis threatened to get lawyers and shit involved, O'Connell said "I get to play Joe Francis! Oh, wait. For legal reasons I'm supposed to say, 'I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis.'" For this alone he pretty much wins the movie. Obviously have little respect for this guy as they portray him as being fucking terrible and his character gets it rough with the piranhas biting his dick off and his last words being "wet t-shirt contest."

Have one of my all time beauties here in Elizabeth Shue, still looking fine. Have a bunch of naked ladies but they all look meh compared to Shue though she seems to sort of phone it in. Adventures in Babysitting Shue this is not. But the movie is extremely entertaining and a fun watch. Also get some cameos from Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth who were each on set for probably 15-20 minutes. Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer from like every podcast I listen to who was just in Hell Baby, and Adam Scott from Parks and Rec and Party Down are in the movie as well and are all serviceable. Again, a really fun ride for what it is.

Hell Baby is the greatest movie of all time

Hell Baby. Absurd. If you like movies like Scary Movie, then you will like this. About the same3 grade level. I mean, it's sort of dumb and isn't anything new... But the cast is great and it made me legit LOL. So that is something. Can't say that about too many movies. Plus, it got me crazy for a Po' Boy sammy and some of those good ass Zapp's Voodoo chips. It's my burfday and I went to the farmer's market and got all the things I needed for a breaded oyster mushroom variety and got the chips and looked about town for some Abita Amber which I couldn't find. Got the root beer instead. It's tits. And OMG y'all. This was a meal, let me tell you. This movie, which takes place in N'Olans, totally inspired this once a year (month) type of feast.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Though its brand of immature comedy may appeal to some, Hell Baby misses the mark with much of its humor, rendering it a largely ineffective -- and often crass -- genre sendup.

Rotten Tomato has this flick at 31%. What the fuck is that shit? I mean, there is some dumb stuff. Like this naked old lady (a young dude in makeup) who is always trying to get sexy with Rob Corddry. Or that Keegan-Michael is just allowed to squat under the main couple's home. But this movie has more baby punching than every other film I've ever seen combined. You'll likely easily quadruple the amount of baby punching you've seen lifetime if you make it to the end of this glorious film. Greatest movie of all time.

Anyway. Yeah, cast is stellar. Corddry, Leslie Bibb whom you'll probably know from the first couple Iron Man movies or as the wife in Talladega Nights or Trick 'r Treat, Key from Key and Peele and MadTV fame, Riki Lindhome who is straight up naked for a solid (and pretty hilarious) minute, Rob Huebel who is totally a that guy, Paul Scheer who does like every podcast not a part of The Ringer that I listen to, Robert Ben Garant who was Junior from Reno 911!, Thomas Lennon (Dangle), the Michael Ian Black, and Kumail Nanjiani (the Pakistani dude from Silicon Valley) who is so goddamned funny in this and is so fucking hot right now. I'd watch pretty much anything with the Reno guys and IMB. All these people are funny as shit.

Favorite scene of the flick is after Corddry (the dad), Key as his squatting houseguest, his sister in-law (Lindhome, the blonde from Period Piece, and Nanjiani (who is just there in his capacity as the cable guy hooking up their internet connection) are doing a "Native American" blessing ritual of the house, basically just smoking a shit ton of weed, there is an earthquake that happens just inside the house, the demons don't like this apparently, and Nanjiani goes to leave. Everyone is all like, "are you okay to drive, man?" and delivers the best line of the flick, "well, I'm really high... so, we'll find out." He then gets in his work van and proceeds to drive off at a mile and a half an hour until he hits a neighbors trash can, knocks it over, and pushes it down the block. At some point he realizes there is something slowing him down, puts it in reverse, backs up two or three feet, and proceeds to drive into it again. Ah, high driving. The old "you'll get there eventually." Indeed, hilarious. ABs says "watch that shits".