Sick - John Hyams - 2022

★★★★-You had me at home invasion slasher from Blumhouse written by Kevin Williamson of Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and The Faculty fame. The whole COVID-19 backdrop is having a smart toilet in April 2020 shit. With that, I was able to make due with the rolls I embezzled from work until the supply chain stabilized. Fuck yeah. 

So how was it? Not too bad. Fun, tight slasher that made me sort of nostalgic for the start of the pandemic when I thought I was going to die and never left the house. Fun times those were. Also fun, a movie that gets some audience participation, which this film does by throwing us back into the early days of the lockdown. 

The flick follows two best buds, Parker (Gideon Adlon) and Miri (Bethlehem Million), riding it out at one of their parents' secluded lake house. To try and make quarantine “fun”, Parker’s on-again, off-again DJ (Dylan Sprayberry) shows up. He's trying to save whatever they have after a video surfaces of her making out with some other dude on spring break or whatever. Soon after they hit the hay, shit goes down. A masked killer (remember, social distancing!) slips in, steals their phones, and begins to terrorize them, first with loud music and then violence. Major plot hole here, by the by, why not just kill everyone in their sleep and not wake them up with bullshit? Sport/torture, I guess, plus we gotta get to it somehow. 

Adlon was the only young person I really recognized, though they all are pretty stellar. You may remember her from Blockers. I sort of get her confused with Mikey Madison who was Manson gal Sadie Atkins in Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, one of the kids in the fifth Scream movie, one of the daughters in Better Things, so forth. What is weird is that Better Things is a show where Pamela Adlon raises her girls, one who looks just like this woman. Then I find out the star of this movie is Pamela Adlon's real daughter. Some others that show up are one of the Langmores from Ozark, Marc Menchaca, who's lane is apparently creepy lake person, and the actress Jane Adams whom I recognize from The Anniversary Party and Happiness which I've been trying to forget since watching in 1999, fucking IFC. One Joel Courtney makes an appearance and is murdered at the beginning. I couldn't place him but looked him up. He was the main kid in Super 8, which was great. Only other things I've seen from director John Hyams was the exorcism episode from the second season of Chucky, a show I'm kind of obsessed with, and an alright movie from 2020 called Alone. Someone else in the movie that is sort of interesting is one Chris Reid. He is Brad Pitt's stunt double. Pretty good likeness. 

Besides the irritating plot hole, there were a couple other things that maybe should've been work shopped. Not trying to give anything away here, but the whole vengeance/motivation was a little weak. However, it isn't obvious. Also, I guess everyone's motivation for becoming a slasher in these types of movies is pretty bullshitty. So whatever. 

The other thing is that the killer thinks they're going to get away with it. When a victim points out that there is DNA everywhere, the solution is to burn down the house and the cops will blame it on selfish kids who couldn't social distance nor even keep a cabin from going up in flames. Well, that won't work since there are murders at multiple locations and people that aren't even part of the group. Whatever, best not to overthink. But these things were sort of dumb. 

However, all in all, this is a film that pays off. It snapshots a collective shitty time for everyone, and offers some surprises. Not a lot more I could ask for. Good shit.

Child's Play 3 is the worst movie of all time

Don't fuck with the Chuck. So. Movie takes place in the future, I guess. Came out a year after Child's Play 2 but takes place eight years later. The Good Guy Corp is basically fucked when we start the movie. Too many people dying from this Chucky doll shit. But they are on their way back, baby. End up making the first doll on the new assembly line, which has Chucky DNA in the plastic. Immediately comes back to life and kills the CEO, who seems like a real prick. Then it's off to find Andy, again. Well alright. 

Find it funny that the company that makes these dolls is a wear a suit to work kind of place with a board full of hard-asses. I have a fancy corporate job at a no-nonsense company with hundreds of employees. I'm on economic development boards with executives. I'm a member of Rotary. Don't see this level of formality and seriousness like ever. Tight ship they run there at Good Guys, Inc. 

Anyway, life is still incredibly shitty for Andy, now high school age. He's at a military school and it looks like it really sucks. He gets bullied and Chucky is still trying to take his body and shit. But Chucky figures out some technicality and gets to go after someone else now to play "hide the soul" with. Yep. There is also a war games battle between the two groups at the school. It's supposed to be sort of like paintball except with real guns where the bullets shoot paint, but Chucky replaces them 

New kid playing Andy. One Justin Whalin. Played Scotty in the John Waters's movie Serial Mom which I haven't seen in over two decades. Only people you'll recognize are Andrew Robinson from Hellraiser, he is the "Jesus wept" daddy, and Frank the Tank's wife from Old School. 

Overall, this movie is pretty bad, but sort of fun. Really fucking weird. Definitely an outlier for the franchise. This is where Chucky just goes off the rails. Brad Dourif, the voice of Chucky, gets the MVP for the "Don't fuck with the Chuck" line. Hell of a line. That shit is killer. I think I mixed up some of the plot with of Major Payne. Not a good sign that I watched it just a few days ago and already forgot almost everything. Shan't be watching again. 

Child's Play 2 is the greatest movie of all time

Sorry Jack, Chucky's back! No Christina Hicks. No Chris Sarandon. No Tom Hollad. Still have Brad Dourif and the kid that plays Andy though. Movie is still pretty fun, and way more bananas than the first one. 

Gist of the movie is that Andy is now in foster care. A bunch of cops saw Chucky come to life at the end of the first flick, but fuck that. Toss that bitch in the looney bin. I assume the Chris Sarandon detective character is also in the nuthouse. Anyway, Chucky gets brought back to life via a little blue lightning, the family Andy is with sort of sucks. The mom, played by Jenny Agutter who plays the female lead in An American Werewolf in London, starts out alright, but when the prick dad dies at the hands of Chucky, she blames Andy, who everyone treats as completely insane. Has a foster sister that is alright, played by Christine Elise from Beverly Hills, 90210, but she's just a high school kid. What the hell is she going to do against a possessed doll trying to steal a boy's soul? 

Only people I recognized were Grace Zabriskie who was Sarah Palmer from Twin Peaks, the health teacher from Donnie Darko (Beth Grant), and Greg Germann who was the Erik Menedez looking dude from Ally McBeal. All had pretty minor parts. 

Anywho, the movie isn't that great and then suddenly it's amazing. The end takes place in the Good Guy toy factory and it is incredible. Spoiler, the way they kill Chucky is first they put him through the toy assembly line where he gets all these limbs attached to him, then they torch his ass, then they stick an air hose in his mouth until he explodes. Whoever came up with that shit is the real MVP of this flick. That shit was dope AF. Posting it below. Greatest movie of all time just based on that shit. Actually, might as well just watch that scene which I'm posting below.

Child's Play is the greatest movie of all time

Andy remember, friends stick together till the end... This is the end, friend! Franchise that immediately gets into the cheese, Child's Play is camp all the way. There are some genuinely scary moments, like when the mom opens Chucky's battery compartment and there are no batteries in it. But how serious can you take a movie with a killer My Buddy? Pretty sure I'm taking that little fucking thing. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Child's Play occasionally stumbles across its tonal tightrope of comedy and horror, but its genuinely creepy monster and some deft direction by Tom Holland makes this chiller stand out on the shelf.

Gist is a kid gets a popular doll for his birthday from his mother which she bought from a homeless guy. Except it came with the option possessed soul of a serial killer, one Charles Lee Ray. Serial killer does what he does. Like that serial killer Charles Lee Ray is really into the dark arts and murder is just sort of his side hustle. I think he's more driven to murder to fulfill his magic and revenge than getting off on it like a real serial killer. 

Directed by one Tom Holland. He hasn't really done a lot of movies but did do this cult classic and one of my absolute faves in Fright Night. Both of these flicks are so fucking fun. 

Stars Brad Dourif as Chucky. Dude is a legitimate actor. Was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, stared in the John Huston adaptation of Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood (what's not to love there), Dune (1984), Blue Velvet, Exorcist III (one of the better threequels in horror), and the Lord of the Rings movies. I feel he is one of the best that guys out there. Alex Vincent plays the little kid Andy. Meh. Catherine Hicks plays the mom. She was apparently the mom on the show 7th Heaven. Never watched it though. And Chris Sarandon, who is the vampire whose sweater game is on point in Fright Night. 

Probably going to give the MVP to Sarandon. I like the way he plays the cop. Guy just doesn't have time for any of this bullshit and thinks everyon is crazy, even though he killed CLR and caught him trying to put his soul in a doll. See this exchange: 

Det. Mike Norris: Mrs. Barclay what are you doing back here?

Karen Barclay: Andy was telling the truth. Chucky is alive and he killed Eddie Caputo. 

Det. Mike Norris: What? 

Karen Barclay: I took him home to my apartment, I was about to throw away the box when we came in, the batteries fell out. Don't you see? He's been moving and talking for days without any batteries in him. 

Det. Mike Norris: What are you talkin' about? 

Karen Barclay: How I found out the doll was alive. See, I threatened to throw him in the fireplace. When all of a sudden, he came alive in my hand. I dropped him and then he ran out of the apartment.

Yeah, don't nobody got time for this bullshit, you crazy bitch. Turns out she was right though. She is a close second to MVP as well. She is as hysterical as you'd expect someone to be if this shit were really going down.