Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark - #31DayHorrorChallenge - Day 2: In a Cornfield

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark - André Øvredal -  2019

★★★-I loved these books as a kid. Read them in third grade and every knock off I could get my hands on for the next several years before turning to Stephen King in sixth grade. Originally saw the film on opening day. It was minimally disappointing. So time for a rewatch. Fine, and likeable, but still slightly disappointing. Only slightly though.

Horror flick directed by Norwegian filmmaker André Øvredal who has some talent but is a bit inconsistent. He also did Trollhunter, The Autopsy of Jane, both of which were great, and most recently The Last Voyage of the Demeter, which was not. Based on the children's book series by Alvin Schwartz. The screenplay from the Hageman bros, Dan and Kevin, adapted from what the internet calls a "screen story" by Guillermo del Toro, the director, and Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan. 

Gist of it is a group of naive teens ignore rule numero uno and read from creepy books you find in abandoned houses, and things get real. Kids, don’t fuck with creepy books you find in known haunted mansions. The home belonged to the infamous Bellows family, the rich folk that poisoned the town's drinking water decades before with their industrial bullshit. When young Sarah grows a conscience and threatens to tell the au-thor-it-ays, they lock her away and learns some curse or something and finds a way to pen terrifying tales that come alive. After being long abandoned, the kids show up and start unlocking evil willy-nilly in the year of our lord 1968. 

Cast is what I was led to believe were rising stars. The main kids are Zoe Colletti (the lead), Michael Garza (the love interest, draft dodger), Gabriel Rush (the tall geeky one), Austin Zajur (the short geeky one), Natalie Ganzhorn (the sister that's agraid of spiders), and Austin Abrams (the bully). Crazy to think there was a time not so long ago that you were a fugitive if you didn’t go to war. As a nonreligious pacifist, this is the scariest part about the movie for me.  

Only person I really recognized was Dean Norris, who played Hank Schrader on Breaking Bad. He's the lead's dad. The main girl reminds me of my favorite intern at the newspaper. She had some talent as a writer and photographer but had similar barriers in her way. Ended up alright though, is a commercial photographer for Sketchers. Had the same look, but more goth.  

Still waiting on that sequel. Supposedly in development still. Got about one or two years, and then they are going to have to start over or make the characters much older or whatever. Pushing it now even.  

Usually not one to stick up for cops in movies, but this guy is a real professional. Head comes bouncing down the chimney, says some crazy shit, drops his shit, says “are you shitting me,” and shoots the head in the brain. Doesn’t do any good, but he’s got the right idea. Still not the scariest thing to happen that night though. Nixon got elected and so started the decline of liberal democracy in the United States. That’s the realest horror story you are ever gonna hear.  

Overall, the film is pretty good to alright. Excellent use of the song “Season of the Witch.” Liked that it stayed consistent with the art, though I wasn’t crazy about that the first time around.  Brutal deaths for a movie sort of marketed at young people. Puking up hay as you turn into a scarecrow looks pretty awful. One poor bastard has a reoccurring nightmare he is afraid the evil is going to use against him. She does. Then there is the brutal stuff between Stella and her dad. No abuse or anything, just pain and regret. Also pretty real.

The Privilege was the okayest movie of all time

The Privilege. Directed by Felix Fuchssteiner and Katharina Schöde. From 2022. On Netflix.

Interesting German horror movie about multi-generational wealth and the shit that gets passed down when you make a shit ton of money off of oppressing others and being cool with demons. Thought they were going to touch on German guilt over the whole Nazi thing but they don’t.

Gist of the movie consists of a wealthy high school kid starts uncovering some weird conspiracy and everyone acts like is going crazy. Meanwhile he is getting crazy drugs for a past traumatic event. The wealthy parents and his twin sister are constantly gaslighting him. “You didn’t see what you think you did,” “your friend committed suicide in a most unlikely way,” “if it was a murder though, you probably did it,” so forth.

Something I found cool was this “drug” they are testing on kids, another thing they could’ve connected to the Nazi shit, ends up being a psilocybin-rich thread fungus. Ends up being an extinct mushroom that grows on dead human remains. Pretty cool. There’s also this cool hallucinogen expert lady that I dig. Has a gypsy Betty Buckley with Alia Shawkat vibe. My kind of lady.

Also love the séance scene. Parents leave so their son can bone the check he likes who came over to study biology, ugh. They practically beg him to have sex with her. Pretty weird. Then they come home super early unexpectedly in the middle of the ritual. Which freaks them out way more than their son raw dogging his little high school girlfriend or whatever.

Follow that up with another real WTF moment. One of those “what if this is the last night of our lives” threesomes between the main dude, his girlfriend, and his lesbian friend. Alright.

Lot of body horror and various homages. Scanners, The Stuff, The Others, Get Out, Hereditary.

Gets a little hard to follow. Little too ambitious. Would’ve been better dial back a little bit. It’s not bad but not great either. Plus the very and was super dumb. Set it up for a sequel that is completely unnecessary.

Def by Temptation is the okayest movie of all time

Def by Temptation. "Honey, I've given you something there's no cure for." I'm on a real string of shit movies. However, this was fun. Won a pair of tickets to a screening of this at 10pm at a bar on a school night. If I had seen it was a Troma movie, I would've stayed home. 

Gist of this blaxploitation movie is a vampirous succubus preys on black men in New York City. However, it is this southern kid Joel who is on his way to becoming a "world-famous minister" whom she really wants. She has aspirations of taking him down like she maybe did his father, played by the Samuel L. Jackson who is in the movie for roughly two minutes but is on most of the posters, and whiping out his whole bloodline. Not exactly sure what is going on there. Anyway, this Joel kid comes up from North Carolina to visit his friend K, played by Kadeem Hardison from A Different World. His is the best performance in the movie. Cynthia Bond plays the succubus. I've only seen her in this. Also, there is a cop who specializes in supernatural cases played by Bill Nunn whom you may recognize from the Dennis Leahry show The Job or as the guy who takes a bullet up his bunghole in Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. Ouch. He's pretty solid as well. This 1990 flick stars James Bond III as Joel. He also wrote and directed it. He is pretty terrible and is incapable of carrying this movie, though the talent around him is solid. 

There is a scene extremely early in the movie where the succubus chases a naked, terrified man covered in blood around her apartment. This scene features some full-frontal wang doodle, telling you right off the bat what type of movie you are in for. 

While it was sort of fun with a cast that was mostly solid, a good movie it was not, although it is pretty bonkers in an enjoyable, Troma sort of way. It looks good enough that I looked up the cinematographer. Was suprised to see it was shot by one Ernest R. Dickerson. Dickerson mostly directs television now, with some impressive credits to his name. But I remember him for a few of my favorites from my junior high years, including Juice, Surviving the Game, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, and Bulletproof. That's an incredible four film run. All movies my brother and I watched repeatedly. 

Some of my other faults are that the succubus randomly and inexplicably gives one guy AIDS, there is some explicit homophobia, and the plot goes off the rails a couple of times. Felt it could have been tightened up, for sure. Plus, the ending is dumb and too easy. Things I enjoyed are that it was beautifully shot. The soundtrack was solid. Some surprisingly awesome special effects, like when a character is eaten by his image on his television. And I love that it is super early 1990s New York. 

Witchfinder General is the okayest movie of all time

"If they swim, the mark of Satan is upon them. They must hang." Yeesh. Too much torture, rape, hanging of innocent people, and screaming in agony for my taste. Even see a woman get burned alive while her husband is forced to watch. While a "good" movie, I fucking hated watching it. Therefore, okayest, I guess. 

Gist of this extremely disturbing movie is that Matthew Hopkins, a real POS, and his even worse assistant, John Stearne, wander the English countryside gathering up supposed witches before torturing confessions out of them and condemning them to death. 

Law and order are pretty much nonexistent. The film takes place during the English Civil War between the Royalists and Parliamentarians when everything was in complete chaos. The film mostly focuses on a Royalist soldier named Richard Marshall who pursues Hopkins and Stearne for raping his fiance, Sara, and murdering her priest uncle, John Lowes. 

Released in 1968, the film was directed by Michael Reeves. It stars Vincent Price, Rupert Davies (Lowes),  Hilary Dwyer (Sara), Ian Ogilvy (Marshall), and Robert Russell (Stearne). It was based on the book of the same name by Ronald Bassett. 

Vincent Price plays the role of Hopkins, the witchfinder general, a historical figure, making it all the more disturbing (though this is highly fictionalized). It was in the government's interest to murder clergy at that time. Clergy lived off tax money, so murdering them meant that they could just pocket that money. They paid sociopaths like Vincent Price's character to do this shit. It was cheaper to pay them a one-time fee than continually pay the clergymen. Plus, they could seize the land and whatnot. So, yeah, these witchfinder general types not only loved killing and inflicting pain, but it was also in their best interest to make shit up and kill as many "witches" as they could. The world has never been just. But eventually, Parliament got uneasy with his mass murder and such and accused him of witchcraft, because why not, and forced him into retirement. When Oliver Cromwell tells you you need to chill the fuck out, you are indeed wilin' out. 

Anyway. This is part of a folk horror collection on Shudder. It's considered part of the unholy trinity of the genre, along with Blood of Satan's Claws and The Wicker Man. I saw the remake of the latter, a real insane piece of work staring Nicholas Cage, this is the "not the bees" movie. I'll probably check those out. If they are equally brutal, I'm done with folk horror. 

Body Bags was the okayest movie of all time

Ah, body bags. You see, if it's murder, suicide or a nasty accident, they put them in here. Checked off a lot of boxes for me. Anthology comedy horror with two "masters" of horror directing. A rip off of Tales from the Crypt with lots of fun cameos. Stacey Keach, Debbie Harry, and Sam Raimi. I figured this would be dope. But in the end, not really my cup of tea. 

Three segments. John Carpenter hosts and introduces each story. He is this morgue employee, it seems, who is into some weird shit. Sort of tells us about how some of the people there die and are brought in in body bags. These are their stories. 

The first segment was the slowest and most traditional/run of the mill of the three. Slasher stalks a gas station attendant. Cool setting and lots of great bit parts, but it doesn't hold up at all when it comes to logic. The plot holes in this one are too distracting, and I'm not one to care about that generally. But you ask yourself a couple of questions and it comes undone as shit. Robert Carradine, bro of David, plays the killer. Get cameos from David Naughton from American Werewolf in London, and directors Wes Craven and Sam Raimi.

Second segment is easily my favorite. Stars Stacey Keach, the obvious MVP of the movie, as a dude going bald who is fucking obsessed. He has a pretty girlfriend who is supportive, but dude just won't let it go. Fucking paints his head and shit like that. It's fucking gross. But everywhere he looks he sees dudes with like 80s rockstar hair, or some dog with a golden mane, and dude loses his shit. So he goes to this Hair Club for Men type place and gets some hair treatment whilst nurse Deddie Harry is all over him, telling him how sexy he'll look with long flowing locks. He's fucking stoked when he pulls off the bandages and has hair down to his ass. It's crazy ridiculous and obviously looks like shit. But he gets what he wanted, but, you know, this is a horror anthology, so that shit comes at a price. 

Third segment is sort of the same as the second. Dude loses a part of himself, his eye, is obsessed with getting it back. Does an experimental surgery. Gets what he lost back. Is ironically tortured by the eye. It's the old, got an eye from a dude that got executed, now I see his crimes and will start killing myself bit. If you're a Simpsons fan, it's the same plot as "Hell Toupée" from "Treehouse of Horror IX" where Homer gets Spike's hair after he got the chair and then Homer starts having urges to kill and what not. The guy that gets the eye, by the by, is Mark Hamill. He is basically out there playing hero ball during his whole segment. 

Directors are listed as Carpenter and Tobe Hooper. Carpenter did "The Gas Station" and "Hair" while Hooper did "Eye". Not what either are going to be remembered for, for sure. But definitely not either of their worsts. Plus, I think Carpenter is a genius and generally love his work. That said...

There were moments that I had fun, and the casting was amazing. But overall I thought it was sort of meh. I thought the bookend segments with John Carpenter as a morgue attendee ghoul were especially disappointing. Too much a really bad rip off of Tales from the Crypt without the humor. I mean, they tried, but the jokes were shitty and sad. 

Terrifier is the okayest movie of all time

How can you eat a greasy croissant while you're cutting up dead bodies? Sweetheart, I've been doing this twenty-two years, alright? Once you've seen an eight-month-old microwaved to death... everything else is just old hat. About the overall gist of this movie. Saw a lot of love for this online. I thought it was fine, but nothing super special. Hell of a costume for the killer though. And his use of body language and his silence are pretty creepy. However, felt like it relied a lot on shock value--I mean, it was very shocking/disturbing--but that type of movie doesn't really do it for me. Brutal and sick. 

Plot runs thus, it's Halloween and this these chicks run into and become fodder for a truly sadistic supernatural murderer named Art the Clown. They run, he gives chase, commits murder, repeat. These murders are some next level sick shit, by the way. 

Written and directed by one Damien Leone. Also in the girl are the likes of Catherine Corcoran, Matt McAllister, Pooya Mohseni, and Samantha Scaffidi. Don't feel bad if you don't know them because no one does. Guy named David Howard Thornton plays Art the Clown. Looks like a much more terrifying Crazy Joe Davola from Seinfeld when he dressed up like Pagliacci in "The Opera." 

Tara Heyes, played by Jenna Kanell, is the final girl who ends up looking all fucked up. I think this is shown at the beginning but I can't quite tell if that is her or another chick. 

Apparently this is the second feature film appearance of the Art the Clown character. The first was Leone's 2013 anthology film All Hallows' Eve, which sounds pretty interesting. Chick watches horror movies with the kids she is babysitting that feature the character. He ends up coming alive and doing what he does. Might check it out. 

Hubie Halloween is the okayest movie of all time

I’m asexual, but that girl’s making me hella horny. Adam Sandler movie. It was fun, but I don't think I laughed but maybe a handful of times. I think that was mostly at Maya Rudolph. Love her. Oh, and when all the news anchor ladies (one of whom was a news anchor in real life and was fired for breach of contract for appearing in the film, which is some bullshit) were dressed as Harley Quinn. Maybe once or twice at Steve Buscemi. Overall it was a good time, but I'm not gonna remember it a year from now, and it's not super rewatchable like Billy Madison or some of his other best films. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Viewers immune to its star's charms won't find it much of a treat, but Hubie Halloween is sweet enough to satisfy fans of Adam Sandler's antics.

Gist is that this sort of idiot played by Adam Sandler named Hubie Dubois, sweet guy, like fucking lives for Halloween in his hometown of Salem, which he fucking loves the shit out of. Yeah, he gets bullied constantly. Slowly, those bullies start to disappear. Foul play is indeed going down though Hubie suspects there is a supernatural element at play. Hubie shares a lot of DNA with Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy. Same voice and demeanor. Basically a lovable idiot.  

Movie stars Adam Sandler. Still a fan. I know he had a few duds in there, but generally, his movies are still enjoyable. Also in the flick are Kevin James, Julie Bowen who is the love interest and was the love interest in Happy Gilmore, Rob Schneider, Kenan Thompson, Shaquille O'Neal, and Steve Buscemi. Bullies include Ray Liotta (whose always a dick), Maya Rudolph (she's the best), and Tim Meadows, among others. Best cameo though was from Ben Stiller who reprises his role as Hal L., the raging orderly from Happy Gilmore. Sandler's wife and kids are also in the movie, which is pretty endearing. 

Ok. Quick bone to pick. I usually don't pick a whole lot of nits, but after Hubie saves the day at the end, we cut to a year later. Hubie is now the mayor of Salem. That means that he would have had to get elected the previous year, like a week after most of the movie goes down. Pretty sure that he would have already had to do a bunch of stuff to get on the ballot at that point with early voting and all. Plus he no time to campaign. Must have been one hell of a write-in situation. But, yeah, not really the point of the movie, I guess. 

For me, the MVP of the movie was Salem. I'm totes going there for Halloween some year. Town really gets into it with its history and everything. Looks to have a carnival-type atmosphere. They know how to do it up. 

Downtown 81 is the okayest movie of all time

Downtown 81. I'm an artist. When you tell people that they usually say, 'what's your medium?' I usually say, 'extra large.' It held my attention, but I was disappointed that it did when it was over. Nothing really happens other than a bunch of people play music and Jean-Michel Basquiat walks around early 80s New York and hangs out with interesting people as he was want to do.

Homeless leper Debbie Harry

There was a point in this movie where I thought this was the worst soundtrack of any movie ever. This is likely a controversial statement, as I imagine there are people out there that think it is the best. A snapshot of post-punk era Manhattan. Yeah, I hear ya. I don't really know anything about any of that. Blondie, I know her. Early in the film there is this band who's lead singer/guitarist I wanted to stab. The band, prep punk singer/guitarist who may have never sung or played guitar before this performace, a pretty Japanese woman who was getting it on the drums that spoke no English, and a bassist that was speaking Spanish and went between playing his instrument and mashing it at random. They weren't playing bad music with charm. It was half good music with experimentally bad music playing on top of it. I fucking hate that shit. Band called James White and the Blacks. Sort of the same shit. The Blacks, I dug. James White, taking a sax into the crowd and playing in people's faces, can go fuck himself too. But there were some performances I really dug. Kid Creole and the Coconuts turned this whole ship around. Like the ska B-52s. Check out their shit. For real, it's dope. 

The gist of the movie is Jean-Michel Basquiat gets out of the hospital. Not told what for. Gets evicted. Meets a chick. Falls in love. Looks around for her whilst trying to sell a painting. Band he's in gets robbed. Goes to various clubs. Sees the chick he was in love with and she is bouncing around said clubs, maybe ignoring him as he follows her from a distance. She doesn't live up to his expectations so he blows her off even though he needs a place to stay, with him being newly homeless and all. But he walks around an ally, sees a homeless and gross Debbie Harry. She tells him she is a fairy godmother and will grant all his wishes if he makes out with her. She is done up like a homeless leper so he isn't super into it but does. She turns into Blondie and gives him a suitcase full of money. The fucking end. Fab 5 Freddy also has a cameo. Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly. DJ spinning I said 'My My.'

Jean-Michel Basquiat wins the movie. Hell of an actor, that guy. Can also paint. Not that great of a drawer or poet though. 

The Hunt is the okayest movie of all time

The Hunt. "Globalist elite liberal cucks." This movie. Blumhouse flick. Extremely polarizing. Political satires do that. I thought it was fun but problematic. Controversial, supposedly. I get it, for sure. A lot of people saying it wasn't worth all that drama. Probably right. I mean, it was just a movie that no one was going to see that didn't really say a whole lot. Like The Joker but not exactly going to get a standing O at Cannes. I think it was supposed to offend pretty much everyone, but I suspect it gets Trump supporters more accurately than the "liberal elite." It is sort of lopsided. As a liberal, I don't identify with anyone. Maybe the main chick, but not really. For the right-wingers, there is probably a stereotype for you.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The Hunt is successful enough as a darkly humorous action thriller, but it shoots wide of the mark when it aims for timely social satire.

It's alright. Love the main girl. Betty Gilpin from GLOW. Not crazy about the MAGA agenda. Gist of the movie is that twelve mostly "deplorables," self-identifying, wake up in a field and are hunted by liberal elites for being terrible. These are the type of people that kill endangered species and throw around words like "cuck" and "snowflake." This hunt was sort of a Pizzagate type of myth in conservative talk cirlces. People were getting shit for it like liberals do when jokes are made so they figure, if we are going to lose our jobs and what not for this joke, let's do it for real. Whatever. It's dumb. Also, this is basically how Trump supporters see themselves: persecuted by liberals for their racism and cruelty. Fuck off.

Most of the people are easily dealt with. They are all real dumb. Not Gilpin though. She is basically The Bride from Kill Bill. Like Kill Bill, the action is pretty sick. I'm usually not a big fan, but I love the close-quarter, hand-to-hand shit that this Gilpin chick and the heavy, played by Hilary Swank, do so well. Their final blowout is indeed amazing. Top three chick-on-chick fight scene, for reals.

Bone I have to pick is that there is a pig and it dies. Have to watch it used as bate and get shot. Too sensitive for animal shit. Favorite scene though was when everything that goes down in the convenient store. This is shit is cray and not going to spoil it. When they find out where they are is also pretty fun. Plus, you know, the fighting.

People I recognize are many.  Ike Barinholtz who is the dumb guy in everything who is probably most known for The Mindy Project (I like this guy), Macon Blair from Green Room and Murder Party which are both solid AF, Dennis from It's Always Sunny,  Justin Hartley from that show I don't watch This is Us (he is the drunk one, so I'm told), Amy Madigan who was the mom in Field of Dreams, Emma Roberts from American Horror Story and Scream Queens, the singer Sturgill Simpson who is really having a moment right now (see The Dead Don't Die), and a much thinner Ethan Suplee who was the fat guy in Varsity Blues among other things whom I was happy for but then realized he is a Scientologist so fuck him.

No way that Gilpin doesn't win the movie. This probably launches her into stardom. But maybe not considering COVID-19 is tanking everything and probably ruining box office numbers/careers that aren't super established.

Bacurau is the okayest movie of all time

Bacurau. Movie I totally would have enjoyed 10x more had I seen it at the IU Cinema communally with a bunch of people on that amazing screen with that sick fucking sound system. In my bedroom, the only TV with a streaming device that supports Kino Now, where I rented this, not a great experience. But it was still a solid(ish) movie. It was the third Brazilian movie I can think of that I've seen and ranks third among those flicks. The other two were Black Orpheus and City of God, so distant third.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Formally thrilling and narratively daring, Bacurau draws on modern Brazilian sociopolitical concerns to deliver a hard-hitting, genre-blurring drama.

Ger

I generally like these sorts of movies. Twist on the whole home invasion premise. From the trailer, thought it was an alien invasion movie; spolier, it ain't. Flying saucer is a sweet-ass drone. Would totally buy that fucking thing with my stimulus check, if you know what I mean. But this takes place in the future and we don't have that shit yet. Anyway, gist of the movie is that townsfolk are being hunted by white people, one of them a Nazi, all of them sociopaths. Never exactly clear why. Thought it was over a water dispute, but it might be because the mayor of a near-by city is going to maybe lose reelection. Apparenlty they are able to vote for some city's mayor even though they are in what I'd say looks like the county. I have no idea how elections work in Brazil, but I guess these 100 people are really going to make the difference in Bacurau.

Speaking of there being 100 people, they get shipments of water and coffins every other day or so. The coffin-to-person in town ratio is way off as they get like 15 to 20 on the regular. What are you doing here? One person dies naturally in this town and like nine people, including the gringos, are killed. In what I hope is an outlier of a fucked up week, they still have a surplus of coffins.

Even has the gap in his goddamned teeth

Speaking of dumb shit, so the way we find out the mayor is in on it is the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life. This guy, the fucking mayor that everyone hates, after all the gringos have been killed, shows up at the end like WTF. He walks past the village people who are all covered in blood and have guns and are obviously controlling the fuck out of this town. Goes up to like "the guy", who is more or less the Brazilian Lawrence Fishburn of the early 1990s, and some narco guy who has wanted ads coming over the radio, is living the Mad Max lifestyle, and has a truly incredible mullet (he is clearly not to be fucked with), and is all, "uh, what happened to all those white people I hired to kill you guys?" Holy shit. What the hell did I watch? He then tries to backtrack but he is obviously totally going to die.

Starred the Brazilian Larry Fishburn (Thomas Aquino) who was cool as hell and probably won the movie, some attractive woman with curly hair named Bárbara Colen, and Udo Kier who I think of as the asshole that owned a shark in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Also, some lady I sort of recognize named Sônia Braga who dated  David Lee Roth, Robert Redford, and Clint Eastwood, which is one hell of a trifecta. Her character starts out unhinged for some reason and then we see she is a doctor and reasonable, but strange. Yeah, this movie was weird.

Ma is the okayest movie of all time

Ma. More like meh. "There's something off about Ma." "That bitch is crazy." That she is. Personal favorite quote is "There can only be one of us," Ma says whilst painting the black dude's face white. This movie was really not the best.

A movie about kids that "hey miss" a lady, she buys them booze, has them over to her house, and plots to murder them all in this act of revenge that is out there and completely implausible. Not really going to poke a bunch of plot holes in this. Just, like, what was she going to do if they never stopped her outside of the liquor store? I guess this was sort of a crime of opportunity, but this bitch was fucking ready for this shit. Don't really need for this shit to be possible, I guess, but it just adds to the overall, well-I-guess-this-is-happening vibe of the movie.

Speaking of, there were about five times in the movie where I had to back up and be all, what the fuck is happening? Where are they? Juliet Lewis is just going to sleep on this shit? Wait, they went back Ma's house? What is happening? Why the dog's blood? So forth.

Who are they even?

Bunch of people I sort of recognize and kids I don't. Crazy ass Ma is that Octavia Spencer chick from The Help. Juliet Lewis playing the shitty mom of the main girl. That Luke Evans dude from The Hobbitt movies who I always think is another dude from Game of Thrones. Missi Pyle who is a total "that chick" whom I always think of as the sexy alien from Galaxy Quest. Kids I may have seen but no idea. Also, Kenyon grad Allison Janney, for some reason.

Lot of ignoring red flags in this one. I was once a kid who wound up in a situation like this. I would have more been like an extra in one of Ma's big parties near the end for this comparison. It went down like this. I was a freshman or sophomore in high school. Dude I was buddies with who I was actually distancing myself from who was headed down a bad path (not really a friend you call when going through a rough patch, in case you couldn't tell) talked me into going to a party. He drove. This was pre-driving days for me. I get there and it was a bunch of kids (dudes, almost exclusively) I either didn't know or didn't care for and like one obviously 50-year-old man who was claiming 28. Everyone was fucked out of their minds except me. Yeah, got a bad feeling and demanded someone take me home. Got called a bitch or what have you, but I was not fucking around. Have a hard-fast rule about immediately leaving a fucked up situation on foreign land, if you know what I mean. Well, don't talk to any of these people for like a month when dude I was originally buds with shows up for the old surprise visit with 50-year-old dude. My parents were not around and I had enough sense to not let this dude in my house. It was awkward as shit but fuck that, main, and fuck you for bringing this creep here. More time passes. Bud calls me up for my now monthly disinterested call. Tells me that that dude was drugging the guys he was bringing over, molesting them, and was indeed 50-years-old. Cops want to talk to everyone. You aren't telling me anything I don't already know and also we are not friends anymore. This is what was going through my mind the whole fucking time I watched this meh fucking movie. Hey, I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

Anyway, on to more out-there shit. So I don't want to sound super insensitive, but I am about to be super insensitive. The shit that Ma can't get over, she gives a dude a blow jay in a closet at school with her whole class waiting outside, isn't really that bad. I mean, yeah, these people fucking suck. That shit would not have gone over well at my high school, bullying was completely socially unacceptable, but this isn't the type of shit where you plot to kill everyone in your graduating class's children 30 years down the line.

Winning the movie was that Evans guy. He was way too good for this flick. His performance was really strange in that he was so solid in a movie that so wasn't. Basically, didn't call for all that. Don't waste your effort, my man. Plus, dude almost get's his man cut off. Instead, Ma pumps him full of dog blood, as mentioned, and slits his wrist. Lot of weirdness in this one.

Madman is the okayest movie of all time

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