The Bride: I Prefer Not To

★★—The Bride? More like The Ex. Am-I-right? I sort of liked this, at first. It seems that it is universally hated, but I thought it was sweet, though incredibly unfocused. I think it would be more accurate to say I wanted to like it… But the more I think about it, the worse I feel about it. 

 

Recent Oscar winner Jessie Buckley is Jean Harlow is Marla Singer… with some shit on her face. She’s also inexplicably possessed by Mary Shelley some of the time. Quotes Melville a lot, ye olde “I prefer not to.”

 

Some Gyllenhaal-on-Gyllenhaal action. Maggie directs what I assume will be her last film for a while. Jake plays a Fred Astaire type that Frankenstein is really into. Speaking of weird siblings, this super niche Swedish electronica band, the Knife, showed up playing not period music. The band is made up of Karin and Olof Dreijer. You can’t miss them. Karin looked more like a zombie than Frankenstein. 

 

Like Christian Bale in everything. This was no different, though it was no Big Short. People are constantly trying to fuck with him. Kids, if you are listening, picking a fight with a large man that looks like that is ill-advised. Then again, he passes as a waiter at one point. Am I sure I liked this movie? 

 

Takes place in the mid-1930s, roughly around the time Bride of Frankenstein came out. Love a period piece, usually. Way more dancing than I was expecting. Lot of film references. Ones I recognized, in addition to Bride of Frankenstein, include Bonnie and Clyde, Natural Born Killers, Moulin Rouge, Poor Things, Young Frankenstein. 

 

Overall. Too long. Too referential. Too little substance. Plot is insane, but not in a good way. Everything with Peter Sarsgaard and Penelope Cruz was unnecessary. 

How to Make a Killing: More like How to Make a Shitty Movie

★★--Yeah, not good. In fact, bad. Cast was good. Story was dumb. Directing wasn’t great. But fine. Nothing I haven’t seen before. Based on some book from 1907 apparently. There have been like 10 adaptions or so. It’s like the Dracula/A Star is Born of whatever the fuck genre this is. 

 

Glen Powell stars as Becket Redfellow, a dude last in line for an obscene amount of family wealth. He’s basically his Chad Radwell character from Scream Queens without the support of his billionaire family. Hollywood really wants him to be a star. Sounds like George Clooney. Looks like a forgettable Hemsworth. Him and Austin Butler are the biggest Hollywood plants there are. I don’t think either one of them are real A-Listers. No Timothée Chalamet for example. This is our new dude? His stick is thin. Basically charming douchebag that wears a lot of disguises. How many fucking times can I see this and a year or so. This is the third time I’ve seen this in a year. Female lead is Margaret Qualley, who is indeed hella fine. She plays the rich bitch Becket pines over. She’s ok.

 

I used to like Ed Harris, who plays Powell’s asshole scion grandfather. I’m confident I haven’t liked him in anything in the last 20 years. Jessica Henwick, sort of recognize her from Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery, plays the normal hot girl, as opposed to Qualley’s unattainable hot. Which reminds me, no idea what this movie is trying to say. Ditch the nice girl for the one that is insanely hot and exciting? Well, yeah.

 

Ger.

Rounding out the cast are Zach Woods from Silicon Valley and The Office, and Jude Law’s kid Raff. They are cousin fodder in the way of extreme wealth. Their crime was being born rich and being douchebags. Woods isn’t a deathworthy douche... Law is, though. Also get a really good two minutes out of Topher Grace. He’s another douche cousin. This one a megachurch pastor. 

 

Had decent hopes going in but was disappointed after the first 20 minutes. Directed by one John Patton Ford. His only other film is Emily the Criminal, which was halfway decent. Overall, this film is trash. Felt too long. Also crazy confusing. Not sure who the redhead guy married to Qualley’s character is or supposed to be. Also, spoiler, no idea how Powell was framed for his murder.

 

The most insane thing about the movie though is the passage of time. I was sort of thinking wow he’s really coming up in the world in the month or whatever it’s been since he killed his first cousin. Then in queue shows up for like the third time and it’s like, “remember when I saw you two years ago?” WTF? How much time has passed? Pretty sure this movie legit covers like 45 years.

Bloody Hell - Alister Grierson - 2020

★★★★-“What would you do with that (knife)?” “I would save myself and kill your family. You know, standard stuff.” Gist is a guy goes to prison for killing a bunch of bank robbers in the midst of a hostage situation that results in multiple fatalities. I'm not a vigilante guy, but this guy getting eight years was bull shit. I assumed this was made by a foreign winger who doesn't know how the American justice system lauds “good guys with guns,” or a Trumper who thinks this is what really happens despite people like George Zimmerman and Kyle Rittenhouse walking free. But I'm making a lot of assumptions.

Anyway, while in prison, he shoots a spitball at a world map to decide where he is going to move once he gets out. Lands on Finland, where he is immediately kidnapped upon arrival by a family of psychopath cannibals. Some low-hanging vegan jokes. “A vegan is like a person, but...” This in a movie about a cannibal monster. 

The vigilante guy is played one Ben O'Toole. Never seen him before, or anyone in this film for that matter. He reminds me of this maniac roommate I had in college. A combination of him and Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Icould see either of them getting into this type of situation. Meg Fraser plays the hot daughter, dad is played by Matthew Sunderland mom is played by Caroline Craig. She's an older Malin Akereman type. Come to find out they are basically the same age, just a few years older than me. 

Is it perfect? No, but I really, really liked this flick. An over-the-top comedy horror romance movie with a heck of an original weapon to kill the big bad. Can't beat this “how did you you two meet” story either, which he tells to a group of people at a bar, much to everyone's horror. For a guy who is obsessed with saying something cool before he kills someone but fails every time, he delivers a phenomenal last line of the film, which I shan't spoil. Available on Shudder.