This is such a shit movie. It is not
worth thinking about. We are talking like Cinemax original bad. It's
so juvenile. Hardly any of the jokes land. For the last 40 minutes I
was just waiting for the movie to fucking end.
Pros: Really solid kills. At times sort
of funny. At times fun. Pretty cool resurrection scene.
Cons: Sexist. No real buildup. A couple
really dumb plot points. Choppy. James Corden is sort of a dick.
Jokes are far between.
Disclaimer: My notes pretty much
always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.
Decent escalating vampire kills: A limb
to the heart. James Corden's first, cast irons a vamp's head off. Jim
axes his ex's head in half. A priest exorcises a naked vamp in the
shower while JC holds her in by the breasts.
Notes: Camilla, medieval queen vampire
who turns girls into lovers of the vagine, opens the movie. Guy there
who slays her. Not before she curses the women of the hamlet. Turn to
lesbian vamps on their 18th birthdays. Someone from the hunter's
bloodline will have to vanquish her. She then promises to rise again.
Present day: there is James Corden.
Children's clown who punches children and hates kids. Other guy,
feckless Jim, has a whore of a GF that breaks up with him whenever
she wants to do some other guy. Let a dart show the way. Throw it at
the map and go there. The town of Cragwich where they go hiking. JC
smashes Jim's phone when his ex calls to get back with him.
Enter the lesbian vamps. Or exit
rather. The sexy ladies leave an olde timey pub. Dudes pop in. No sexy ladies in there. Just old
dudes. Scene is reminiscent of American Werewolf in London. The girls
on the road singing some “I like you when you are naked” song
which is ridiculous. Apparently they aren't vampires? Yet? All have
absurd unidentifiable accents. Their van breaks down and the boys
catch up to them. Suddenly their van isn't broken down? What the
fuck? Anyway, all are going to the same castle for the night. Three
of the four girls get turnt almost immediately. Not fucking around.
The three left standing know it too. JC wants to ignore it. There are
vampires fucking everywhere already.
Jim's ex shows up. Her car breaks down
too. Gets to the castle. Yep. She's a vampire. All over Jim who has
another chick into him who he just met and wants to give him her
virginity. JC gets it in his mind that she may just want to lose it.
He'll take what he can get. The boys kill his ex who is a vamp. “Best
to remember her like she was: a complete fucking bitch.” Note that
when the vampires are stabbed or whatever, they bleed what looks like
semen for some reason. It is disgusting.
Oh, loophole, can't come in unless
invited. “It's not like we are going to say, hey vampires, come
in.” He was being ironic but there they are. Boo. Fucking dumb.
They get kidnapped. Jim is the hunter's descendant. Only one that can
end the curse. JC and a priest come to the rescue. Get into the
medieval hurt's tomb and pull out his sword which has a cock for a
handle. JC thinks this is hilarious. It's not. So it is also the
priest's daughter's 18th birthday. Instead of locking her down or
whatever he leaves her at home and she turns. Comes at JC and he
kills her unbeknownst to the priest. This is supposed to be funny but
is just dumb.
The survivor girl is like over the top
into Jim whom she just met. She is like really into him. Keeps saying
stuff about how she wishes she lost her virginity to him and that if
they weren't tied up she would do him. Finally she drops an “I love
you.” Insane. Then they spend most of the time they are tied up
fighting. It's around here where I stopped fucking caring. More stuff
happens but no one fucking cares. Tries too hard at cult status and
fucking fails.
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