This is such a shit movie. It is not worth thinking about. We are talking like Cinemax original bad. It's so juvenile. Hardly any of the jokes land. For the last 40 minutes I was just waiting for the movie to fucking end.
Pros: Really solid kills. At times sort of funny. At times fun. Pretty cool resurrection scene.
Cons: Sexist. No real buildup. A couple really dumb plot points. Choppy. James Corden is sort of a dick. Jokes are far between.
Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.
Decent escalating vampire kills: A limb to the heart. James Corden's first, cast irons a vamp's head off. Jim axes his ex's head in half. A priest exorcises a naked vamp in the shower while JC holds her in by the breasts.
Notes: Camilla, medieval queen vampire who turns girls into lovers of the vagine, opens the movie. Guy there who slays her. Not before she curses the women of the hamlet. Turn to lesbian vamps on their 18th birthdays. Someone from the hunter's bloodline will have to vanquish her. She then promises to rise again.
Present day: there is James Corden. Children's clown who punches children and hates kids. Other guy, feckless Jim, has a whore of a GF that breaks up with him whenever she wants to do some other guy. Let a dart show the way. Throw it at the map and go there. The town of Cragwich where they go hiking. JC smashes Jim's phone when his ex calls to get back with him.
Enter the lesbian vamps. Or exit rather. The sexy ladies leave an olde timey pub. Dudes pop in. No sexy ladies in there. Just old dudes. Scene is reminiscent of American Werewolf in London. The girls on the road singing some “I like you when you are naked” song which is ridiculous. Apparently they aren't vampires? Yet? All have absurd unidentifiable accents. Their van breaks down and the boys catch up to them. Suddenly their van isn't broken down? What the fuck? Anyway, all are going to the same castle for the night. Three of the four girls get turnt almost immediately. Not fucking around. The three left standing know it too. JC wants to ignore it. There are vampires fucking everywhere already.
Jim's ex shows up. Her car breaks down too. Gets to the castle. Yep. She's a vampire. All over Jim who has another chick into him who he just met and wants to give him her virginity. JC gets it in his mind that she may just want to lose it. He'll take what he can get. The boys kill his ex who is a vamp. “Best to remember her like she was: a complete fucking bitch.” Note that when the vampires are stabbed or whatever, they bleed what looks like semen for some reason. It is disgusting.
Oh, loophole, can't come in unless invited. “It's not like we are going to say, hey vampires, come in.” He was being ironic but there they are. Boo. Fucking dumb. They get kidnapped. Jim is the hunter's descendant. Only one that can end the curse. JC and a priest come to the rescue. Get into the medieval hurt's tomb and pull out his sword which has a cock for a handle. JC thinks this is hilarious. It's not. So it is also the priest's daughter's 18th birthday. Instead of locking her down or whatever he leaves her at home and she turns. Comes at JC and he kills her unbeknownst to the priest. This is supposed to be funny but is just dumb.
The survivor girl is like over the top into Jim whom she just met. She is like really into him. Keeps saying stuff about how she wishes she lost her virginity to him and that if they weren't tied up she would do him. Finally she drops an “I love you.” Insane. Then they spend most of the time they are tied up fighting. It's around here where I stopped fucking caring. More stuff happens but no one fucking cares. Tries too hard at cult status and fucking fails.