The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension is the worst movie of all time

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. "Shut up, John Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know." What a weird movie. This was one of an ex-girlfriend's favorite movies. Here, 15 years after we broke up, I've finally got around to watching it. 

Gist is that a world-famous crime-fighting brain surgeon, rock star, adventurer test pilot and his team  must stop evil inter-dimensional aliens called the Red Lectroids (basically lizard people) set on infiltrating American society to conquer the world. 

Released in 1984 the flick was produced and directed by W. D. Richter, who directed one other movie, Late for Dinner, which I have seen. It's about two young men running from the law who get accidentally cryogenically frozen in the early 1960s before waking in the 1990s. Drama ensues. It is fucking terrible. He also wrote the screenplay for Big Trouble in Little China, the John Carpenter flick. Anyway, back to Buckaroo Banzai. It stars Peter Weller (the robocop in Robocop) in the title role. Also in the film are Ellen Barkin (This Boy's Life), Jeff Goldblum, John Lithgow (who looks like the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow), and Christopher Lloyd also playing major parts. 

Lot of that guy actors, most notably John Lacey who plays the POTUS. He was Toht, the disgusting Nazi guy whose face melted in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. He is completely unrecognizable. Others include Clancy Brown (most people think of him as the asshole guard in The Shawshank Redemption), Dan Hedaya (Nick Tortelli from Cheers), and Vincent Schiavelli (who was famous for being weird-looking), among others.

I know the movie sounds fun, but it's all over the goddamn place. However, there is some charm in that and it has a crazy cult following. It has its moments, but its not my cup of tea. Perhaps if I was more into sci-fi. 

Piranha 3DD is the worst movie of all time

Piranha 3DD. Jesus. This ins bad in a charmless, fuck-man-I-just-watched-this way. Piranha 3D was fine for what it was. Just a dumb B-movie that was fun and over-the-top but was taken seriously. I enjoyed it. 3DD feels like a cash grab that no one took seriously. Genuinely one of the worst, least enjoyable movies I've ever seen. Did definitely learn to spell piranha though. Piranha. Look at that shit.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It strains to up the gore and self-awareness of it predecessor, and -- despite some game celebrity cameos -- the result is a dispiriting echo of 2010's horror-comedy.

And away we go... Gist of the movie is that an ancient school of man-eating piranhas hyper-evolve in weird ways for no apparent reason and go from the lake in the first one to a new waterpark in the second. There is a whole subplot about the ownership of the waterpark with characters played by Danielle Panabaker who is apparently in Grey's Anatomy and The Flash among other things I've never watched and David Koechner who will always be Champ from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy to me. The Koechner character turns the place into an all nude place, more or less, though they still allow in children and shit like that. Others in the movie that I recognize are
crazy hot Katrina Bowden who was the intern chick on 30 Rock and was stellar in the flick Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Gary Busey with whom I share a birthday, the Clu Gulager who every time he shows up I remind everyone that he is awesome (his son, John Gulager who also did the movie Feast, is the director) has an extended cameo at the start of the movie (when reality goes out the window), David Hasselhoff who is leathery as fuck who is maybe the only thing I sort of like about the movie, Christopher Lloyd of Back to the Future, Doc Brown fame, Ving Rhames who was known for his role as Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction but now is just the Arby's guy, and Paul Scheer from Hell Baby and all the podcasts that I listen to.

Sigh. Where to begin. I'm not what you would call a stickler for movie logic but holy shit. I mean, I was fine with the piranhas living isolated in a cave below a lake for millions of years, feeding off of each other. That is insane. Did I complain. No. But for this movie that features piranhas that that inhabit and grow inside a woman's vagina after she inhaled fertilized piranha eggs (yeah, I have no idea) which bites a guy's dick off, of course, and are able to walk on land by the end of the movie, I have issues.

I was surprised when Rhames and Sheer show up, reprising their roles from the original. This was unnecessary and sad. Rhames completely phones it in. Sheer is pro though and seems like he at least wants to be there. In the first one, he falls off a boat into a piranha infested lake but other shit is going on and we don't see what happens to him though it is assumed he is dead. But then here he is, none worse for wear. Rhames, however, now has metal legs, which come in handy when pulling people out of shallow water. But, yeah, by the time they show up, at the waterpark for some sort of therapy session, I am way checked out. There are some unanswered questions here. Like how are these two hanging out in this universe? Sure, Rhames may have lived there since he was a cop there before his disability. But Sheer was a sleazy PA for a Girls Gone Wild type outfit. Why would he stick around? Also, why would they try to break their fear of water at an adult themed waterpark? Seems like an appropriate place for this to happen, I guess. Baby steps into the kiddie pool filled with naked women.

This movie was originally released in theaters, that part is crazy enough, in 3D, which is just insane. Might be the crappiest 3D movie in terms of everything. It's worse than Jaws 3D by a landslide. Mostly, this is just crappy looking fish and girls with giant 3D boobs running around. No one wins with a movie like this.

Piranha 3D is the greatest movie of all time

Piranha 3D. Trash. But fun AF. My female companion was pretty sure we'd watched this but no. That was either the original 1978 Joe Dante Piranha movie, which I loved as a child, or 1979's Killer Fish which was part of MST3K "The Return" on Netflix last year. Try to keep up. But I'll definitely watch this movie again.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Playing exactly to expectations for a movie about killer fish run amok, Piranha 3-D dishes out gore, guffaws and gratuitous nudity with equal glee.

Lots to like here. Ridiculously over-the-top. Shitty CGI that they roll with. Solid B-list cast. Gore. Gratuitous nudity, the best kind. This movie does indeed have it all. Sort of weird watch all the shots that were done for 3D in standard 2D but other than that, I can't complain as the movie is what I've known it would be since it came out back in the day. Didn't see it in the theater which is surprising.

Most of the kills are meh because the CGI looks so bad. Lot of faces and eyes getting eaten off. There is a chick parasailing on the back of a boat with her giant breasts out. Thought she was going to pop up with piranhas hanging off her nips but the movie isn't that silly though one of the "Wild Wild Girls" does get eaten and her implants float up to the surface. One of the victims that popped out was a redhead that gets pulled under on her inner tube. I recognized this chick as a contortionist I follow on Instagram, one Bendy Bonnie, aka Bonnie Morgan. I've long been fascinated by stretchy people, probably because I'm so not even though I work on it every day (yoga every fucking day and I can't just reach down and touch my toes [though I can after a minute or two]). First on my radar from this show I fucking loved that got cancelled called Hap and Leonard. She was a bendy former lover. In this movie she bends herself in half. She is pretty and seems cool and it was weird seeing a minor celebrity you follow online just pop up in a movie like this.

Moving on. Basically the same setup as The Meg. There is a cavern under the body of water where another body of water lies, one filled with prehistoric creatures that have a taste for humans, apparently. First casualty is Richard Dreyfuss who is supposed to be his character in Jaws, Matt Hooper. Self-referential and what not. Also get some meta commentary from Jerry O'Connell who plays Derrick who is the man behind the camera of a Girls Gone Wild type of thing. The real guy that the character is based on, one Joe Francis, great guy I'm sure, was hella pissed as O'Connell was super upfront about basing the character on this douchebag. In his official statement after Francis threatened to get lawyers and shit involved, O'Connell said "I get to play Joe Francis! Oh, wait. For legal reasons I'm supposed to say, 'I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis.'" For this alone he pretty much wins the movie. Obviously have little respect for this guy as they portray him as being fucking terrible and his character gets it rough with the piranhas biting his dick off and his last words being "wet t-shirt contest."

Have one of my all time beauties here in Elizabeth Shue, still looking fine. Have a bunch of naked ladies but they all look meh compared to Shue though she seems to sort of phone it in. Adventures in Babysitting Shue this is not. But the movie is extremely entertaining and a fun watch. Also get some cameos from Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth who were each on set for probably 15-20 minutes. Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer from like every podcast I listen to who was just in Hell Baby, and Adam Scott from Parks and Rec and Party Down are in the movie as well and are all serviceable. Again, a really fun ride for what it is.

I am Not a Serial Killer is the greatest movie of all time

This flick about an adolescent with psychopathic tendencies on the trail of a serial killer with supernatural powers in small-town Minnesota totally rocks. The kid, who is Culkin esque, and Christopher Lloyd work well together in this fresh look on horror. It’s not often that I see something completely new in the genre. It’s dope. Even the female companion liked it.

Pros: Christopher Lloyd and the kid. Clever. Beats along really well. Story is sort of touching for all the mass murder.

Cons: At times CL’s grumbling is unintelligible. Hard to follow at times. Shitty CGI at the end.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: Opens with the kid hanging around a crime scene. Cop asks him “what’s the prognosis,” which is a weird thing to ask a kid loitering around an active investigation. He’s dead so prognosis negative. Also, the kid isn’t old enough to drive, we see him walking around and riding his bike everywhere, and he has an antisocial personality but his mom, who owns a mortuary, allows him to work in the morgue and sort of play with the bodies that come in which is a little off.

For the first bit of the movie we see the kid going around doing rambunctious serial killer things like tooling on some asshole, playing with dead bodies, and writing reports about BTK to his very patient high school principal’s annoyance. It’s during this time that the kid figures out that the killer is stealing organs as trophies.

He keeps seeing this guy sketching about and suspects him of the murders. CL takes the guy ice fishing and you think this guy is going to kill CL. Classic red herring. CL kills the dude as he is trying to attack CL from behind. Apparently there are bunch of lunatics in this town of 10k. But here we get the first glimpse of some supernatural shits going on as CL has some weird praying mantis arm thing going on. Witnessing this from afar causes the main kid to either cum or piss his pants.

Now the kid does a lot of hanging around CL, witnessing various murders, sort of trying to stop him. The kid also does a lot of helping CL and his wife, who are elderly, with stuff around the house. During this time he keeps leaving CL clues that he is on to him and CL chases him around (though the kid is masked). Even though this goes on for a third of the movie, CL has no idea, maybe, until the end that the person he is chasing is the kid that has been shoveling his steps and putting him in the bath which seems impossible. Then again, at the end he makes it seem he has known all along. It is weird.

Anyway, it comes out that CL is organ harvesting from his victims to prolong his life, a life he stole from some guy many years before (things get a little muddled here). The kid finds a way to slow down the carnage, it has to do with CL’s love for his wife, until it gets to where CL is knocking on deaths door he is in such desperate need for a heart. Eventually, it comes time to see the thing inside CL. Up to here I kept wanting to see the transformation. But then it happened and looked like shit. With the budget you can’t fault the quality of the CGI but they probably could have done the same thing without it.