Friday, September 13, 2019

Wolfcop is the greatest movie of all time

Wolfcop. The fuck are you? The fuzz. Ah. A wolf... Cop. Part time wolf. Mostly shitty cop. Great alcoholic. Completely Canadian. This movie is exactly what you'd expect and then some. I mean, what other movie solves the age old question of what happens to the guy's dick when he turns into a wolf man so convincingly. That's worth a watch alone... But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Gist of the movie goes thus. Shitty cop in rural Saskatchewan, that's in Canada, who is a fucking DRUNK, gets cursed by this shapeshifting, immortal cult that prolong their lives by drinking the blood of a werewolf every 32 years. The cult's intentions are a bit hard to follow as we get this from hand written notes that the wolf cop does at the library but whatever. The group of occultists get some big town event called like the "Drink n' Shoot" or something like that canceled so they can have the woods to themselves, (again, or something) to make their sacrifice during the once every 32 year lunar eclipse, which pretty sure it doesn't work that way. But none of this really matters. What matters is that he is a wolf and a cop and he is out there fighting crime. Cleaning up the streets whilst drinking handles of whiskey and being hairy. What more do you expect? Shit was fun as fuck.

Apparently the movie was funded through some annual Canadian movie contest where the most popular concept gets moneys (up to a million Canadian Dollars [loonies, I guess]) after winning a NCAA Tournament style face-off. This is something called the CineCoup Film Accelerator which is a pretty cool project that funds independent Canadian films. Sort of like a less bullshitty Project Greenlight with, one would hope, way fewer rapists.

Directed by one Lowell Dean, no idea, I like what I see. Makes what are totally my kind of movies, it appears. Horror. Comedy. Canadian. My shit. You might recognize a few people in the movie, I guess it's possible as there are legitimate actors in it, but unless you fucking birthed one out of your womb or something, you sure as shit don't know who the fuck Leo Fafard or Amy Matysio are.

Two things really stuck out. The first: wolf cop cock. In the first transformation scene, all of these are pretty dope, btw, dude is sort of feeling like shit. He is drinking at the bar, as he does, and excuses himself to the can. Whilst there he takes what looks like a pretty painful piss, screaming and what have you. We see pee coming out of his dick when suddenly wolf cock. It sort of comes out of the normal guy cock. It looks extremely unpleasant. You cannot unsee that shit. Nor can you unsee the wolf/human intercourse that takes place in this flick. Like Teen Wolf except way fucking graphic and way more disgusting.

Anyway, second thing: Wolfcop's drinking throughout the whole movie. As a cop, dude spent more time getting fucking sloshed at the bar than pulling people over and shit. Dude wakes up. Starts drinking. Goes to work. Breaks out the flask at the desk. Goes on his beat. Hits up Liquor Donuts and gets a gallon. Does a little bit of research or whatever then hits the bar where he gets blackout until he gets a call or whatever. Wakes up in bed with no idea how he got there. And repeat. And as he was as a cop, so he is as a wolf cop, fucking drunk. More so probably but it only enhances his powers as a wolf as he gets liquored up and rips people's faces/heads off and shit. It also makes him more or less invincible.

And speaking of drinking, for me, the concept of liquor donuts wins the goddamned movie. Where has that been at the million fucking epic Sunday brunches I've had in my life. That shit is next level. What the fuck. Someone in Toronto is even opening a music themed donut shop/bar called "Liquor Donuts" like the place we see throughout the movie. I hope they make it cause that shit is hot.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

It Chapter Two is the greatest movie of all time

It Chapter Two. Just trying to add some levity to this shit. I’ll go fuck myself. Beep Beep Richie. Great flick. Really fucking loved it. Not quite an instant classic like It Chapter One but it's really fucking good. Also, not scary like the first one, though I jumped out of my seat like four times and there are moments. But super entertaining and really funny. Usually not a good sign but just roll with it and you'll have a good time. The ending, also, is just alright.

And to be fair, when I was pulling into the theater for the first one, the parking lot was more or less empty. Definitely no one walking around or anything. The way I came into the parking lot brought me up to the theater and I turned into a row of cars that faced the exit. When I did this, just sort of floating at me was a red balloon. It was fucking terrifying with no one obviously around and me going to that movie. I quickly parked, never seeing anyone around, and popped out my phone and took a picture as evidence (though by that time the balloon was sort of far away). Shit freaked me out and definitely fucked with me during the film, probably adding to my enjoyment of it.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It: Chapter Two proves bigger doesn't always mean scarier for horror sequels, but a fine cast and faithful approach to the source material keep this follow-up afloat.

The gist most of us know. Follow up to It Chapter One from 2017. That film follows a bunch of kids (collectively known as the "Losers' Club") who in 1989 set out to a supernatural, murdering clown/demigod who feeds off the fear of children every 27 years in the town of Derry, Maine. This is the same shit, only now, in 2016, it's 27 years later and the kids are all grown up. Based on the dope ass 1986 novel by the Stephen King, this is considered one of his masterpieces.

Directed by one Andy Muschietti, who also directed Chapter One, the film stars Andy Bean who is sort of in the movie plays Stanley Uris, Jessica Chastain as Beverly, Bill Hader as Richie Tozier, James McAvoy as Bill Denbrough, Isaiah Mustafa as Mike Hanlon (which was also the name of my first newspaper editor and most significant influence when it comes to style), James Ransone as Eddie Kaspbrak, and Jay Ryan whom I've never seen before in my life plays Ben Hanscom, are the adult versions of the Losers'. All of these actors (except for I'd say Chastain, McAvoy, and sort of Hader) are spitting images of their younger counterparts. All of the them are also fucking great if some of them are under-utilized (Chastain and McAvoy sort of barely feel in the movie for long stretchs, for example). Bill Skarsgård reprises his role of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. He's still great as well as super creepy. And all the kids also returns to play their parts.

One big complaint is that they included the kids, honestly, who have obviously aged a couple of years, in the film. Other than one of them turning out to be sort of gay, none of the kid stuff really adds anything. Also, all of the violence is extremely off-putting. Don't like stuff happening to animals or kids in movies. Stuff, spoiler, happens to kids. It's hard to watch... But expected.

Hard to not to note some of the solid AF Easter eggs sprinkled throughout the film. A couple, like a high profile cameo, I'll leave to the viewer. A couple others are sort of harder to notice. Like the actor Brandon Crane who played 12-year old Ben Hanscom in the 1990 version of the film showing up in a boardroom of executives Skyping the new Ben who gets a call from Mike to come back to Derry. Then there are things that I am sure if they are Easter eggs or what. Like Peter Bogdanovich playing himself directing a Denbrough movie at the beginning. (Something weird about this that has little to do with the movie is that after I watched this I went to a used book store and went to the Director Biography section and found a book by Bogdanovich, one Who the Hell's In It. It totally felt meant for me. Then I opened it up and saw that it was signed by the author which was fucking awesome.)

Winning the movie was Hader as Richie, as everyone basically agrees, but I thought a lot of that performance was lifted by Ransone as Eddie and their chemistry together. Just like Finn Wolfhard (who played young Richie) and Jack Dylan Grazer (the young Eddie) their comedic timing was impeccable and you really feel like they are homeys razzing each other. There is the stuff they say to each other. Like when Eddie is petrified with fear and Richie hypes him up by asking him who did all of these things that took extraordinary courage like taking a knife to the face, pulling that knife out, and stabbing the guy who stabbed him with it in the face. "Me," says Eddie. And "who married a woman ten times his own body mass?" "Me," sayeth Eddie. On that note, one of the biggest chuckles I got, sort of spoiler, was when Richie talks about boning Eddie's mom and then says that afterward she leaned down and whispered to him "Jabba amu intoe tah parena" or some such shit in his best Jabba du Hutt voice out of nowhere. They both get pretty good lines in reference to murdering bully Henry Bowers (played by one Teach Grant). More spoilers. Eddie, after he stabs Henry but doesn't kill him, tells him "You should cut that fucking mullet. It’s been like 30 years, man," which, yeah. This leads to what is easily my favorite line of the movie. After Richie kills Henry with a tomahawk to the back of the head in old Derry Public, he looks at Mike, whom he has just saved, and says "I guess you could say that was long overdue. Get it? ‘Cause we’re in a library." And then he pukes. Beep Beep Richie.