Slanted: The things you do to become the promcoming dance queen

★★★—Watched this last night at AMC Scream Unseen event. If you love Mean Girls and body horror, then you’ll probably like it. First off, there is a character named Cat Fisher, which caused me to audibly groan when her name gets said at the climax of the movie. Not where you want to be watching a movie when the shit starts to go down.

However, for an ok movie, this really disturbed me, and I’ve been thinking about it all day. The idea of completely changing who you are externally is nothing new. Hell, some people do it IRL. But this transracial concept is extremely interesting. Sort of touches on a lot—assimilation, belonging, beauty standards, race—and it’s heavy with metaphor. But it all felt a little obvious/shallow. Just sort of throws these ideas out there without any real emotional payoff, with a few exceptions, notably when the parents celebrate 10-years in America while their daughter goes to the big promcoming dance, which she is absolutely obsessed with. I get that maybe some kids do care about such things, but it is such a trope at this point that you really must do something extraordinary to subvert it. I feel that it had potential there but didn’t get over the hump. 

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That said, the performances were flat out stellar with the females being especially strong. Shirley Chen and McKenna Grace (just saw here in Scream 7) take turns as the lead. Both knock it out of the park. Vivian Wu plays the mom, who maybe stole the show. Maitreyi Ramakrishnan from Never Have I Ever is very good. Then there was Amelie Zilber, the alpha mean girl from the high school. She basically IS Regina George. Except hotter and more of a bitch. Good god she is fine. Kind of reminded me of Mia Sara. Her character was flat AF though with no emotional payoff. She is just kind of there, being horrible, and then suddenly not. 

Overall, the tone might be the biggest problem. In immigrant teen satire territory at times, but then with disturbing body horror thrown in making it not funny. Then it ventures into heartwarming, coming of age with a deformity with a meh, lame, run-of-the-mill ending. Result is some ick/WTF, and a feeling like maybe director Amy Wang either lost creative control and/or focus at the end. 

The Housemaid: Good for her

★★★★--Love a good bitty-driven erotic thriller. Kind of hot at times. Hard to watch at others. Still glad I saw it, and it’s still out in theaters, which seems like a good sign. 

Amanda Seyfried Is pretty amazing. Sydney Sweeney and her “good jeans” are smokin’. Directed by Paul Feig who does a lot of random TV, created Freaks and Geeks (which I love), and directed Bridesmaids (one of the most hilarious movies of the 2010s). He’s competent. Don’t think I really care for the male lead, one Brandon Sklenar. He’s 0-for-2 in the last couple months with another wooden performance in last year’s Drop.
 
Has some Single White Female/Hand That Rocks the Cradle vibes. It’s a lot of fun though predictable and not everything makes a whole lot of sense. One of those good-for-them flicks.

Presence: Soderbergh offers fresh take on the haunted house genre

★★★★--Told from the point of view of an unseen spirit, the film was really interesting and fresh. Takes the familiar haunted-house setup and gives the audience this intimate experience. We are inhabiting the ghost’s perspective as it observes a family unraveling. Good stuff. 

 

Lucy Liu is the only real star. She is still great and looks as good as she ever has. Julia Fox, the woman from Uncut Gems with hella ass, makes a brief appearance. Chris Sullivan, who plays the dad, I’ve seen around. He also delivers a strong performance. I see he and I are the same age… The kids, Callina Liang and Eddy Maday, are better than fine. 

 

Steven Soderbergh is so good with restraint. Turns the new family home into a space of tense, unspoken trauma. This meditative, unsettling thriller that lingers. Even made me pretty emotional. So many bangers from that guy. For whatever reason I don’t think he gets talked about a whole lot, but dude always brings it and is crazy prolific. I will see any movie he makes as long as he is making them. 

The Invitation, a boring, skipable, vampire affair

The Invitation - Jessica M. Thompson - 2022

★★-Released the last week of 2022, so I count it as this year pretty much for “New Horror.” 

Supposedly draws inspiration from Bram Stoker's Dracula, the story revolves around a young woman who (Nathalie Emmanuel) who recently lost her mother. She encounters her long-lost family members in England, visiting the old country for a wedding at a country mansion. However, as she delves deeper into the lives of the people at the manor, she stumbles upon sinister secrets, plunging her into a world of chilling revelations.

Stars Emmanuel from Game of Thrones and Army of Theives (she is really pretty), Thomas Doherty (whom I've never seen), Sean Pertwee who was Alfred in the series Gotham and apparently always plays a butler, and Hugh Skinner from Fleabag and Les Misérables.

There are some red flags that she ignores. Like, who the hell prints out social media pages other than a complete psycho. Why not just save that shit in a digital file? Oh, he conveniently hates technology so that it has to be printed and found. Alright, I'm out. 

Best part of the movie is the setting. The mansion is beautiful, as are the people and clothing. These folks make the rich private school kids I went to high school with seem middle class. I'd make a great rich guy, just saying, if anyone wants to leave me something in their will. I'd be great at entertaining, telling war stories with a 120-year-old wine in my hand, and I wouldn't even kill anyone in my murder library. 

Speaking of, you would think someone would start asking questions when three maids go missing in less than 24-hours. But I guess when you are this rich, it doesn't matter who you kill or whatever in any country.

Feel there is a decent movie here somewhere, and the ending is pretty satisfying, though improbable. But it's just your standard vampire movie. Nothing too memorable. Waste the setting, and it drags a bit until shit hits the fan. Takes an hour and 10 minutes to get that somewhat predictable twist, but I wasn't expecting it to come about the way it did. But if you've watched the trailer, even that won't come as a surprise. Then the last minute of the movie was terrible. 

My Cousin Vinny - Jonathan Lynn - 1992

★★★★-Outrageously fun movie I loved as a kid. Vividly remember watching this with my grandmother as a child and both of us losing our mind. Somewhat surprised at how enjoyable it still is, also the accuracy of the court stuff, other than Vinny (Joe Pesci's character) being a complete fool, of course. 

Director Jonathan Lynn has made some real bangers in this lane among Vinny, Clue, Nuns on the Run, and The Whole Nine Yards. Also some real guilty pleasure flicks like Sgt. Bilko with Steve Martin and Trial and Error with Michael Richards at the hight of his Seinfeld fame. Has only done two movies this century though in The Fighting Temptations, staring Beyonce and Cuba Gooding Jr., and Wild Target, neither of which I've seen or even heard of. 

Pretty great cast. Stars Pesci, Ralph Macchio, the always lovely Marisa Tomei, and featuring Fred Gwynne (mostly remembered as Herman Munster) in his final film appearance.

Gist of the flick is two young New Yorkers driving cross country (one played by Macchio who looks 19 but is actually in his 30s) are wrongfully accused of a murder while in Alabama, which doesn't fuck around on crime unless you're a Republican pedophile. With no money, they are grad students, they turn to Macchio's cousin, Vinny Gambini (Pesci), who has just recently become a lawyer and doesn't know shit. Accompanied by his fiancée, Mona Lisa Vito (Tomei), Vinny defends the two in court to my terror. Watching this as an adult with some understanding of the legal system (I used to report crime), there are like five mistrials and a serious case of ineffectual counsel, which luckily doesn't come into play. 

Also, the “yutes” have major issues with communication for college grads. The whole thing should have been cleared up in minutes, but these two “accidentally” confess to murder, which I hear happens all the time, especially in the southern United States. 

Love a courtroom dramady. Don't see too many of those anymore. Also, Tomei, who is great in this, won a fucking Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her performance, which seems unreal. Must have been an off year. She's been on my radar ever since though. Very important to young AB's development, I'll tell ya... Yeah. 

The Love Witch is the greatest movie of all time

The Love Witch. "Men are like children. They're very easy to please as long as we give them what they want..." "I'm the love witch! I'm your ultimate fantasy!" I loved this movie. Like Season of the Witch except good. Solid movie with a lot of layers to unpack. Plus it is extremely visually appealing. Would be a hell of a movie to trip to. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The Love Witch offers an absorbing visual homage to a bygone era, arranged subtly in service of a thought-provoking meditation on the battle of the sexes.

Gist is a a modern-day witch uses her magic to get men to fall in love with her before killing them for failing to live up to expectations. She drugs them with love potions made out of hallucinogenics before giving men "what they want." She is totally deadpan, which allows the guys to project whatever they desire onto her, which drives them crazy. It's a playful tribute to 1960s horror and Technicolor films, combined with its serious inquiry into contemporary gender roles. It's a super interesting take. 

Came out in 2016. Was written, edited, directed, produced, and scored by Anna Biller. Stars Samantha Robinson (a very pretty lady) as Elaine Parks, the modern-day witch who uses spells to get men to fall in love with her. She played the role of Abigail Folger in Once Upon a Time In Hollywood. Didn't really recognize anyone else from the movie, but all the acting was serviceable. One of thems, one Laura Waddell, looks just like Chassie Tucker from At Home with Amy Sedaris, which is like my favorite show. Others include Gian Keys, Jeffrey Vincent Parise, and Jennifer Ingrum, if you've heard of any of them.

Watched this on The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs. It was his Valentine's Day special. He has a great interview with Biller. His drive-in totals highlight the six "wang doodles" in the film. Also talks a lot about how the movie is super colorful and looks so good because it was shot on 35mm film, instead digital. The last bit focuses on this crazy sequence near the end that involves a random renaissance fair and includes a mock wedding. It's out there... Again, love.

Really hard to pick an MVP in this since Robinson is so great in this role and Biller's vision is so well executed. Ultimately giving it to Biller for putting together such a fine and visually appealing film. Good shit. 

Fantasy Island is the worst movie of all time

This was a bullshit movie. Maybe you had to be into the show. I'm not entirely sure if they are even connected. It seems like it might be a prequel, the timeline is all kinds of fucked up on that. All I know is this movie sucked. Sort of started out interesting and kept getting worse and worse before coming to a crescendo of suck. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Fantasy Island tries to show audiences the dark side of wish fulfillment, but mainly serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of exhuming long-dead franchises.

Oh boy. Gist is a group of young people win a free trip to Fantasy Island, where they get one wish granted during their stay on the island. The place is Westworld for the lazy. The island is magic, you see, with some magic TV rock and water that does shit too. However that shit comes at a price, and who is to say that they aren't part of someone else's fantasy? Late in the movie we find out that is exactly what's up. Spoiler. Her fantasy is to get revenge on all the people that led to her losing the love of her life, who we find out she went on sort of one date with. She fucking cray. 

Directed and co-written by one Jeff Wadlow, who is behind some of my personally most loathed films. Cry Wolf and Truth or Dare?, for instance. Stars Michael Peña, who I hate, as the dude who runs the island. He's sort of the Richard Alpert in Lost. Peña is the sidekick from Ant-Man. He's also a Scientologist. Again, hate him. The beautiful Maggie Q whom you might remember from Mission: Impossible III  or the Nikita reboot from 2010. Lucy Hale from Truth or Dare?. Austin Stowell and Portia Doubleday I don't recognize. Doubleday plays a woman who bullied the cray chick and has continued to be pretty much a piece of shit. But she's learning. Jimmy O. Yang from Silicon Valley,  Ryan Hansen from Party Down, and Michael Rooker from The Walking Dead and the Guardians of the Galaxy movies (he's the blue guy with the arrow).

Not really sure that anyone really won the movie. Maybe Doubleday, who actually showed a little bit of range. However, didn't really give her, or anybody, a lot to work with. This is not a good movie. 

Hack-O-Lantern is the worst movie of all time

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1988 straight to video, if that tells you anything. Wouldnt have finished it if it weren't on Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-In. Even then it was something of a chore. Diana Prince, aka Darcy the Mail Girl, was really unimpressed. "You should have shown another movie." It's MST3K bad without the riffing to get you through it. Had to supply a lot of our own to not go mad. 

Gist of the movie is that this maniac of a grandfather/pumpkin patch proprietor is secretly this satanic cult leader whose group sacrifices folks on Halloween night. He also practices incest and fathers a child with his daughter. That child, this little blonde kid, is being groomed to take over the cult and grows up to be Mac's dad from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

Some shit to watch out for... Lots of nudity. All gratuitous. Some of the ladies are pretty attractive, too, surprisingly. Odd number of breasts, which is always fun. The blonde child from early in the movie looks exactly like the brother of Mac's dad and nothing like Mac's dad. It could be that guy's son. 

Gramps kills his granddaughter's BF after getting trapped in a recently dug grave. Instead of burying him in, you know, the deep ass grave, we later see that dude was buried next to the hole in a dirt mound, which was an interesting choice. Making Love in All the Wrong Places: Hack-O-Lantern features a cop having sex with a girl right on top of a freshly dug grave. Later, a girl bones a guy on the mound and mistakes a corpse's exposed hand for her lover's. Insanely, the girl then shows her friend exactly where she had sex at where they find the corpse, who is the other chick's BF. 

Some other dumb shit includes the four times I thought the movie was over but then it just kept going on. Lots of pump fakes. Hate a pump fake. Also, Gramps thinks he is making the sign of the devil and making the pentagram in the air like a Catholic would cross himself, but he is really making the sign for "I love you." WTF. 

Worst offender of all, maybe, is the name Hack-O-Lantern. Like, why? Has nothing to do with anything that happens in the movie. Waste of a perfectly good title. 

Only real positive I have is that the band is pretty solid. The director, one Jag Mundhra, came out of Bollywood which seems to pretty much always have more or less music videos in the movie (at least the few movies I've seen playing at Indian restaurants). I guess this came out of that style. Band was D.C. La Croix, metal but not metal AF. Total MVP of the movie. 

31 is the greatest movie of all time

"You diggin' what you see, pops?" "I reckon I do!" Not too shabby. One of my favorite Rob Zombie movies. Cool premise. Ticks off a few boxes for me. Interesting/creepy locale (a funhouse of murder). Cast I'm pretty into. Period piece from the 1970s. Fast-paced and over-the-top. Still a little bleak for my taste though. 

Gist is that a bunch of carnies are kidnapped and forced to fight a bunch of psycho clowns in a fucked up funhouse. This is part of a game where they have to survive for 12 hours and then are theoretically free to go. No one has ever survived the 12 hours though. 

Movie stars Sheri Moon Zombie, a real beauty. Plus she and Rob are vegan. Scores them major cool points, obviously. Jeff Daniel Phillips who I mostly know from other Rob Zombie movies. Was also in Zodiac, briefly, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and he was one of the GEICO cavemen (the one that ordered the roast duck). Meg Foster, she was in two of my all-time favorite cult classics, Blind Fury, and They Live. Richard Brake. Think of him as The Chemist from Mandy. 

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Others you'll recognize include Malcolm McDowell, from, you know, A Clockwork Orange. Elizabeth Daily who was Dottie in Pee-wee's Big Adventure. She aged remarkably well. Miller from Repo Man (Tracey Walter) has a brief cameo. Also recognize the character Death-Head from the most overrated movie of all-time, The Big Lebowski. He's one of the Nihilists. 

Get a little of that insane Rob Zombie dialogue, but it's played down from say Halloween when the family just cusses at each other and talk about their genitals in the most disgusting way possible. You know, just like your family does. But, yeah, toned down. Do get a group of ladies saying "Sucky, sucky, sucky. Fucky, fucky, fucky. Juicy, juicy, juicy. Money, money, money," while gesturing toward their crotches. 

MVP of the movie is Brake. Basically is a more deranged version of The Chemist, but he's on point with that type of role. Or as his character, Doom-Head, says, "What I do? Unfortunately for you, I do real well!" Does have some insane lines he gets to give, "Now, you may think you see a grease-painted performer sitting before you. But trust me - I'm not here to brighten your dismal day; I am here to end your miserable life." So, yeah, insane movie. But fun in the end. Good late summer, early fall flick. Check that shit out. 

Fido is the greatest movie of all time

Fido. I'd say I'm a pretty darn good father. My father tried to eat me, I don't remember trying to eat Timmy... I knew you wouldn't eat me, boy! Expected this movie to be terrible. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. Think Lassie, except if Lassie were a zombie. Had to be the pitch for this. "Go get help, boy!" as his bullies turned zombies reanimate while he is tied up. "Is Timmy in trouble boy?" his mom asks when Fido gets to the house. Shit is genius.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Making the most of its thin premise, Fido is an occasionally touching satire that provides big laughs and enough blood and guts to please gorehounds.

Carrie-Ann Moss, a pretty lady

Gist of the movie is radiation turns all the dead people into zombies. Seems to be in the same universe as Night of the Living Dead. Show clips from it in news reels. Seen that flick probably in the 10-15 time range. I know footage of that when I see it. Everything else is 1950s Americana. Anyway, in this universe they have figured out a way to control zombies via a shock collar that also has mind-control capabilities. Now, the zombies are more or less slaves, doing menial labor. Some of them are also kept pets that do house chores... Some people even bone them. Which was pretty gross and sad. Then sort of touching. But then you realize that they are pretty dumb and definitely in this against their will. So there is that, which I don't recommend dwelling on, as I am, obviously.

BUT! A suprisingly moving and touching movie. Lot of pain, these people are carrying. Might be the whole being locked down and what not. But I feel your pain, movie people.

The kid who plays Timmy, as in Timmy and Lassie, is some kid I've never seen named Kesun Loder. Things haven't gone well for him since this movie came out. He also now goes by K’Sun Ray, which is dubious, at best.

His mom is played by Carrie-Anne Moss, whom I'm extremely attracted to, especially in Momento. Meow. Fido is played by one Billy Connolly. I think I recognize him from the Hobbitt movies, but I'm not sure. Other people you'd know are Dylan Baker who always seems to play a child molester or a bitch, Henry Czerny (total that guy), and Tim Blake Nelson. TBN is always great. He's the "Gofer Everet" guy from Oh Brother Where Art Thou? He is the guy having sex with a young zombie who died of a brain aneurysm. Jesus, man. But luckily this behavior is pretty much seen as socially unacceptable, and not that widespread. Though there was a moment I thought CAM was maybe going to ride Fido, which doesn't happen, thankfully.

Winning the movie is the guy who plays Fido. That guy has to be perfect for this to work. Emotive AF while also making you think he would probably eat another boy's face off. No universe does he not win this shit.

Satanic Panic is the worst movie of all time

Satanic Panic. Are you by any chance, a virgin? That's a very personal question. She's a virgin... I should stop drinking. Judi Ross: You really wanna face this shit sober? Yeah, not really. Comedy horror that is neither funny nor scary. That virgin line would have been okay if it weren't already done in What We Do in the Shadows. This was sort of a chore to get through. Though the main girl is alright.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It isn't terribly devilish or particularly pulse-quickening, but Satanic Panic remains an entertaining midnight movie that forgiving genre enthusiasts will enjoy.

Gist of this shit is that a broke pizza chick goes to a rich neighborhood outside of their delivery area in hopes of getting a decent tip. She gets no tip. Gets pissed. Does a bit of B&E. Gets volunteered for sacrifice by an order of Satanists who need a virgin to birth a demon. You know, shenanigans. But shit gets all fucked up.

Stars you'll recognize include Rebecca Romijn who looks incredibly different with dark hair (still a very pretty woman, just not herself) and Jerry O'Connell who just plays sleazy dick-bags these days (total sleazy dick-bag who offers to bone the virgin so that, you know, she isn't a virgin). Others you probably won't: AJ Bowen who is in a shit ton of mumblecore flicks like House of the Devil, The Sacrament, and You're Next; Hayley Griffith who plays the pretty virgin girl that almost moved me to tears; Ruby Modine who was the killer in Happy Death Day; and Arden Myrin whom I swore I recognized from something before deciding it was Isla Fisher I was thinking of (it's this face she makes).

Giving the win to this Hayley Griffith chick for her monologue about her boyfriend with cancer who can't really have sex, hence her virginity. Surprising amount of feels there. Wasn't expecting that. You get it, girl.

Blade Runner 2049 is the greatest movie of all time

Blade Runner: 2049. You newer models are happy scraping the shit... because you've never seen a miracle. Fuck, man. One of my favorite movies of the decade. Sequel to a top 10 of mine from all time. Totally does that film justice and stands on its own. I fucking loved it. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Visually stunning and narratively satisfying, Blade Runner 2049 deepens and expands its predecessor's story while standing as an impressive filmmaking achievement in its own right.

Basic gist is that K, a police officer/blade runner/replicant, discovers some crazy shit when putting down a rogue replicant working on a protein farm. Buried on the farm is Rachel, Sean Young's character in the original, who it is discovered had a child, which should be impossible for a replicant. Thinks would give the replicants hope or something. They would realize they have souls and rise up and smash their oppressors. Fuck to the ye... So, K finds a little bit of evidence, goes to a place where a false memory of his actually happened (whoa), thinks, “hey, I'm that kid.” Spoiler, he is not. But it leads him to the real chosen person... Harrison Ford. Rick 'fuckin' Deckard. Who unlike Hans Solo doesn't yuck it up.

A lot to unpack here. First, the cinematography is incredible. Won Roger Deakins--his previous work includes most Ethan and Joel Coen bros movies, Kundun, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The Shawshank Redemption, and a bunch of other stunners--an Academy Award. You need two watches for this movie just to take it all in. It's sick. In addition to Ryan Gosling and Ford, the movie stars Ana de Armas, Dave Bautista, beauty Mackenzie Davis (lots of pretty ladies in this), Sylvia Hoeks who plays Luv, Carla Juri, and lovely Robin Wright. Was a little nervous going in about Leto but this flick has a tolerable amount of Jared Leto though he says a bunch of nonsense and does weird shit... as he does.

You need two or more watches because there are things that change depending on your mood or what sticks out to you on that watching. For example, like the original Blade Runner, it is unclear whether Deckard is a replicant or not. It doesn't matter, this film says. Still human. Not the most original message, you know, but still one that we need to be reminded of in 2019, don't ya know. By the by, the first watch I was sure that he was a replicant. Thought they even said as much. The second, yeah, not so sure and what I heard was much more ambiguous. 

Then there is Joi, played by the lovely Ana de Armas (Knives Out) who comes up just short of winning the movie. Joi is the holographic girlfriend of K, whom she has dubbed "Joe", designed and sold by the Wallace Corporation, the bad guy in the film. On one hand, she is something like we think of TV wives from the 1950s. She brings him food, lights his cigarettes, makes him drinks, and listens to his retelling of the day while not sharing any of hers. On the other, there is definitely some connection and meaning there, though she may be programmed to make it seem like there is.  She seemed special. So did Joe, for a while, when he thought he was Deckard and Rachel's love child. So did their relationship. But she was wrong about him, he was not in fact the kid of replicants, and he was probably wrong about her and their relationship as well. She is the only "person" who doesn't think he is a piece of shit in one way or another. First viewing I thought that relationship could be meaningful. She seems as real as the replicants, at least. Feel it when she dies and says she loves him. Second time, she is just there to be what he wants. Programmed as such. After she dies, Joe/K walks by a Joi advertisement saying "Everything you want to see. Everything you want to hear." He realizes as much... Or maybe not. Suspect I might feel differently the next time I watch it. Next time it may seem that he is sad for the loss. Even though he has the opportunity to try again with another Joi, she won't be the same. Deep shit. That's what is so great about this movie.

Winning the movie, in my opinion was Ryan Gosling. Lot of depth with this character and his performance is moving. Joe, like Joi, is programmed a certain way. Can't really overcome that, or can he? Once he figures out that he is not Deckard's child, he still makes the decision to help Deckard find her. His experience gives him the tools to make that decision based on his emotions, rather than programming. It is quite powerful. I have a coworker who didn't want to watch the film because he didn't want to see Gosling "crying in the rain." He had also never seen the original. I told him there was an iconic scene in that film known as "crying in the rain," but he wasn't phased, saying Gosling does that in every movie. No, there is no Gosling crying in the rain. But the part and the film was more powerful than such a cliche. Great shit. 

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark is the greatest movie of all time

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. How's your head? I haven't had any complaints yet... If they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. Not going to win any awards but it was a lot of fun. A lot of talking around Elvira's breasts, which are stunning. Witty one-liners a plenty with some semblance of a plot. That'll do. Greatest movie of all time.

Gist is that Elvira inherits her aunt's dilapidated mansion in an uptight New England town. The treasure, however, is her book of "recipes" which consist of spells. You see, her aunt was a witch and her surviving uncle, who wanted the book for himself, a necromancer of some persuasion, tries to steal the book and kill Elvira. That is the gist but the flick is mostly humor that comes out of Elvira being an outrageously groovy chick in the repressed town that was probably a lot like the one in Footloose. Also, dudes are basically constantly trying to rape her.

In addition to the lovely Cassandra Peterson (still gorgeous as a senior citizen) as Elvira, more on her later, there are actually some actors I recognize. Some include Edie McClurg (she was a high school student in Carrie and was the one who called Ferris Bueller a "righteous dude" in Ferris Bueller's Day Off) plays one Chastity Pariah, the guy who played Kenickie in Grease (his name was Jeff Conaway), Frank Collison who I think of as the "she r-u-n-n o-f-t" guy in Oh, Brother Where Art Thou and the guy obsessed with hotdogs in The Happening, William Morgan Sheppard who is such a that guy, Kurt Fuller who always plays someone who is super punchable, and Dick Miller, he was the guy that knew what gremlins were in Gremlins, is in a movie that Elvira watches at some point.

I am sort of in love with Elvira/Peterson here. Doing half-assed internet research I saw that an unknown Brad Pitt auditioned for one of the teenage boy roles. Peterson thought he was way too hot and felt that Elvira would not be interested in Bob if Pitt was one of the teenagers trying to get her. On her casting notes of his audition, she wrote next to his name, "Yum Yum!" She is a different breed, this one. Into horror, has a cool-ass dog, gorgeous, funny, lovely assets, you get the idea. A lot like my female companion, now that I think about it. Two things cemented it for me though. The first was her dance at the end, which is just indescribable. Then, whilst reading her Wikipedia page, I saw that she is a vegetarian who appeared in a humorous Halloween-themed ad for PETA. Right on, girl. Also saw that she was scalded on over 35% of her body in a kitchen accident when she was little. She said that her Elvira costume "showed only the good bits" but there isn't much you don't see in the movie. Anyway, totally wins the movie and life.

Chopping Mall is the worst movie of all time

Chopping Mall. Let's send these fuckers a Rambo-gram. It is bad. Also, it is very bad. Not a single chop was made in this film. Was pretty sure they came up with the name of the movie, which is amazing, and then built a film around it. That, however, was not the case. Laser Mall or Fire-Extinguisher Throwing Robots Mall doesn't have the same ring to it. But yeah, worst movie of all time.

Gist of the movie is a shopping mall installs a trio of robots to police the mall at night, killing anyone that isn't an employee that is there over night. But them shits malfunction and then just kill anyone in the mall. Alright to kill anyone breaks in in this universe. Killing employees of the mall that are there to bone in a furniture store, that shit is fucked up and wrong though. Instead of smoking cigarettes and drinking, though, post-coital activities for these kids includes shooting at robots trying to kill them and dying. The robots malfunction after the building gets struck by the infamous blue lightning, ever present in the 1980s, which gets featured a lot in electrocution scenes in this flick.

Directed by one Jim Wynorski, a guy out of the Roger Corman school of film making, has over 150 titles to his name. Kelli Maroney, who plays the part of Alison, and Tony O'Dell, as Ferdy, are the survivors who are notably the only pair of "teens" that don't get it on. O'Dell is one of the Cobra Kai punks in The Karate Kid and is also in the YouTube spinoff Cobra Kai. You may recognize Maroney from Fast Times at Ridgemont High or as one of the leads in dope 80s horror flick Night of the Comet which I'm going to have to rewatch. Director Wynorski claims to have cast her because he wanted to date her. That is one way to do it, I guess. Get a Dick Miller cameo. He was the guy that knew what gremlins were in the movie Gremlins. There are a couple attractive ladies in the film who have a little bit of gratuitous nudity but the only one I recognized was Barbara Crampton who is horror royalty in my book. She was the lead chick in Re-Animator and Castle Freak and more recently was in You're Next. She is great and very beautiful but was pretty annoying in this flick. She completely gets herself killed in a grossly unnecessary way. Her and the other girls are on their way out of the mall via the air duct but she keeps saying shit like, "my boyfriend needs me, I have to go help him!" She tries and immediately gets herself killed although the dudes have the situation sort of in hand at that point.

There is this raging asshole who is boning the mall owner's daughter who I thought was funny as a character. This was the guy with the mullet played by one John Terlesky. Oh he is over-the-top unlikable and offensive. You don't mind when he gets killed after going out to get the lady he just boned smokes out of an old fashioned cigarette machine. He has a super solid one-liner to the robots when they ask for his badge which is what I think set them off to rampage. When he shows them his badge he tells it "Klaatu barada nikto" which was the phrase used to stop Gort, the robot in the 1951 film The Day the Earth Stood Still, from destroying the world. It was also the line that Bruce Campbell flubs when he picks up the Book of the Dead in Army of Darkness which I am sure is also a reference to the Cold War-era film. This guy's girl's death is pretty solid, too. She gets shot with a laser and her head explodes. Always solid.

With a brief 77 minute run time, I still felt they could have tightened this movie up. Not a great sign. Also, nothing with the killer robots really makes sense. Deploying killer robots to work security at the mall, what could happen, am I right? Pity, that this movie isn't more watchable with a cast that includes Crampton and Maroney. Maroney, I guess, wins the movie though there really aren't what you would call winners here. She also has the worst camel toe I have ever seen in khakis of all things. It is fucking crazy. Googling that I see there was a How Did This Get Made? where this phenomenon in the movie was discussed. Will need to give that a whirl.

Death Proof is the greatest movie of all time

Death Proof. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep... I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road! 2007. Part of the Greatest Years in Cinema Project I'm working on. One of my least favorite films by Quinton Tarantino. That being said. Still a huge fucking fan. Both of the movie and Tarantino. I mean, dude makes movies that I fucking love. When this came out, people who said Tarantino has lost his edge I thought were insane. Not instant classic like Inglourious Basterds. But still a goddamned solid picture.

Rotten Consensus: Death Proof may feel somewhat minor in the context of Tarantino's larger filmography, but on its own merits, it packs just enough of a wallop to deliver sufficiently high-octane grindhouse goods.

With Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror, which was also solid and probably a movie I'm going to rewatch soonish, was part of the "Grindhouse" double feature. This confused the few people in the theater where I originally saw the pair. Supposed to recreate the experience he loved as a child of going to exploitation double features. Tarantino's portion follows Stuntman Mike played by Kurt Russell who gets off by killing young women by crashing into them with his stuntman, death proofed car. But first he likes to fuck with them.

The movie is split into two halves. The first set, whom he meets at a bar in Austin, Texas, he hits head-on, crushing one, ejecting another from the car, ripping off one's leg, and running over the other one's face. This is after he has killed a woman played by Rose McGowan whom he is "giving a ride home" by pinballing her around in the non-death proofed side of the vehicle. It is probably the most terrifying moment in any of Tarantino's movies when McGowan's character, after ignoring many red flags and is in the stuntman's car, when he asks which way she is going and she says "right" and Stuntman Mike explains that they are going "left" and if she had been going left too, it would have been a while before she had gotten scared. The girls in this section consist of pretty lady Vanessa Ferlito whom I've never seen in anything else before or since, Jordan Ladd who is the daughter of Charlie's Angels star Cheryl Ladd, and Sydney Tamiia Poitier who is the daughter of Academy Award winner Sidney Poitier. This was sort of the second movie, the first being Jackie Brown, where Tarantino started using the children of stars he admired but the first that he really started to go all in on it (he has since done this again with Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood). This portion of the movie also features Michael Parks who became sort of a Tarantino and Kevin Smith favorite late in life (he played the villain in both Red State and Tusk), Eli Roth who plays a frat boy type, and Tarantino playing the bartender.

Second part of the flick, spoilers, Stuntman Mike tries something similar, trying to run a group of women off the road, one of whom, stuntwoman Zoë Bell, Uma's Kill Bill stuntwoman, playing herself, has strapped herself to the hood of a car in some dangerous as fuck thrill seeking shit. Unfortunately for Stuntman Mike, the women he has decided to fuck with include a legendary stuntwoman (Bell), a fictional stunt driver played by one Tracie Thoms whom I don't know, and pissed off hair and makeup person played by Rosario Dawson who wears shit-kicking boots and throws a hell of a punch. After Bell is finally thrown from the front of the car, Stuntman Mike tells them that "that was fun" but he doesn't get to enjoy the moment as Thoms breaks out a gun, wounding him with a shot to the arm, and then the ladies go on the offensive, eventually running him off the road, pulling him from the car and beating him to death. This was Tarantino's chick/car movie, obviously.

Couple of things that stuck out. Tarantino and the feet thing. There are multiple scenes featuring woman's feet, per usual. Feel this is the first one where it is like a real joke, notably when Dawson's character is sleeping with an eye mask on in her friend's car with her feet out the window and Stuntman Mike comes up to her and is a huge disgusting creep. Sort of Tarantino being like, "you think I am creep with the feet stuff? Here is some real creepy shit." There is a lap dance scene where one of the girls that dies in the car crash. This is pretty unnecessary and just sort of weird. You definitely don't like it when you see what this asshole does to her sort of thing. Finally, has one of funniest scenes from any of Tarantino's movies. The girls in the second part are trying to test drive this classic car they are into owned by some hillbilly (whom I remember as the lazy eyed dude in a couple Adam Sandler movies). As collateral on the car, they leave this actress/model dressed as a cheerleader played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead (she is extremely attractive) they are hanging out with. They imply that she will suck the guy's dick, unbeknownst to her. The guy asks Dawson's character how he knows her. "She is an actress," she says. "From porno movies?" he asks. "Yes, from porno movies," Dawson says. Funny shit but it gets scary as they take off and he walks up to the girl with a disturbing grin on his face. "Gulp," the cheerleader says. 

Hard to say who won the movie, really, but I'd probably go with Russell. He plays a pretty convincing maniac, and without this role, I don't think we get The Hateful Eight and possibly not Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (it is rumored that the Russell and his longtime stuntman were maybe the inspiration for the movie [or maybe Burt Reynolds and his stunt guy]). A case could also be made for Bell who went from stunt person to legitimate actress after this flick. Also, the minute or so that Parks is in the movie is an incredible heat check. That guy always made the most out of his 30 seconds or whatever of screen time. 

Carrie is the greatest movie of all time

Carrie. These are godless times. Indeed. Finally getting back to one of my Greatest Years in Cinema flicks. First film from 1976. Skipping ahead to the horror movies since it's close to Halloween and all. Watch a shit ton of horror this month, obviously. It's been well over 20 years since I've seen this particular flick. Talking junior high days. This is what I thought high school would be like. Girls having their first periods. Not knowing what it was. Getting ridiculed mercilessly. Going to prom. Winning prom queen. Having pig blood dumped on them. Raging out and killing everyone with your telekinetic powers. You know, normal stuff. On rewatch, holy shit-balls, this was a great movie.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Carrie is a horrifying look at supernatural powers, high school cruelty, and teen angst -- and it brings us one of the most memorable and disturbing prom scenes in history.

Noice

I pretty much set up everything you need to know about the movie already other than it is based on a Stephen King novel (which you probably know) and was directed by Brian De Palma. But har is some extra: Carrie White's mother is a religious nut job and blames the period on her sinnin', instead of biology. Because her upbringing is doing her no favors, she is bullied constantly. She does have an advocate at the school, the gym teacher played by Betty Buckley, who is smokin' hot. She is basically the same age as all the actresses playing high school chicks but they pass for high school while Buckley is a woman. She is old now, of course, and has sort of become my surrogate grandmother in film, but she is still attractive for an old lady. She is the chick from Split, the psychiatrist that treats people with multiple personalities. I like her. So does Carrie. Just want to hug her.

A whole bunch of other pretty ladies in this flick as well. Not only do you have Nancy Allen from other De Palma movies Blow Out and Dressed to Kill (my second/sometimes favorite of his)--who is just really something, though she doesn't really do it for me in this, probably because she is such a bitch--and P.J. Soles (the ditsy blonde from the original Halloween), you also have all these randoms in the standard De Palma gratuitous shower scene. Noice.

Unfortunately that leads to all the shit that goes down as Carrie, played by the Sissy Spacek, has her first period, which she knows nothing about, and loses her goddamned mind. All the girls in her class mock the fuck out of her as she screams like she's dying. The girls get in trouble from good old hot gym teacher Buckley and have to miss prom, which they also blame on Carrie, and meanwhile telekinetic Carrie is traumatized as shit. Real recipe for a school shooting situation, but luckily, Carrie is just armed with the power of her mind. Anyway, the teacher then sends her to the principal, god knows why, and this idiot, who is like, "uh, hey, Cassie... uh, Wright, Cassie Wright, would you feel more comfortable if I shook you (which is his only move when it comes to 'consoling')? Ah, uh, go home, I guess, what's-your-face, Corey, G'night... Congratulations!"

So she goes home and is like, "you should have, you know, given me a fucking heads up about this shit and whatever," except Christian like. And her fucking crazy-ass mom, played by Piper Laurie from Twin Peaks is like, "You have sinned! Eve was weak! And the Lord visited Eve with the curse, and the curse was the curse of the Christ's blood! Oh, Lord, help this sinning woman see the sin of her days and ways, show her that if she had remained sinless, this curse of the Christ's blood would never have come down on her!" Real drama queen, Piper Laurie. So I guess old Marge here thought that her daughter could pray her period away, but was also born of sin because of Eve. Alright. Super rational. The point here is that sex ed has failed Carrie White and she really has no fucking chance. Meanwhile, Nancy Allen blows Travolta whilst saying his name at the same time which takes some talent.

Oh my god

Good of a time as any to talk about what a fucking catheter in my dick Travolta's character is. Going to a slaughterhouse and killing a pig with a sledgehammer like a maniac. Fuck this sick fucking asshole. No way to get me to hate a character more than some shit like this. The chicks are fucking awful, too, of course, taking advantage of this chick who is clueless as fuck, for no reason really. She just doesn't want to be funny and sort of makes a friend in one of the girls who has her boyfriend take Carrie to prom. This is stupid and almost backfires as it seems he is trying to low-key fuck. But it doesn't ever get to that post-prom party where everyone loses their virginity, if they've still got it, as Regina George dumps the dead pig's blood all over her and the bitches laugh like fucking idiots. This is when we get the fucking shit storm to end all shit storms. Shit is burning the fuck down. Also, hell'a scary ending.

Spacek would normally win the movie. She goes from naive bumpkin to out of control banshee. De Palma is solid as hell, too. But King is the hands down winner here. This is the first of his 100+  movies based on his works. That shit is insane. This has to be near the top of them as most of them are indeed trash. But still. This was his first book. The one that got him on the map. This flick being fucking great catapulted him into a fucking rock star.  Finally, don't fuck with people for no reason or they will kill you with telekinesis. Remember that.

Piranha 3D is the greatest movie of all time

Piranha 3D. Trash. But fun AF. My female companion was pretty sure we'd watched this but no. That was either the original 1978 Joe Dante Piranha movie, which I loved as a child, or 1979's Killer Fish which was part of MST3K "The Return" on Netflix last year. Try to keep up. But I'll definitely watch this movie again.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Playing exactly to expectations for a movie about killer fish run amok, Piranha 3-D dishes out gore, guffaws and gratuitous nudity with equal glee.

Lots to like here. Ridiculously over-the-top. Shitty CGI that they roll with. Solid B-list cast. Gore. Gratuitous nudity, the best kind. This movie does indeed have it all. Sort of weird watch all the shots that were done for 3D in standard 2D but other than that, I can't complain as the movie is what I've known it would be since it came out back in the day. Didn't see it in the theater which is surprising.

Most of the kills are meh because the CGI looks so bad. Lot of faces and eyes getting eaten off. There is a chick parasailing on the back of a boat with her giant breasts out. Thought she was going to pop up with piranhas hanging off her nips but the movie isn't that silly though one of the "Wild Wild Girls" does get eaten and her implants float up to the surface. One of the victims that popped out was a redhead that gets pulled under on her inner tube. I recognized this chick as a contortionist I follow on Instagram, one Bendy Bonnie, aka Bonnie Morgan. I've long been fascinated by stretchy people, probably because I'm so not even though I work on it every day (yoga every fucking day and I can't just reach down and touch my toes [though I can after a minute or two]). First on my radar from this show I fucking loved that got cancelled called Hap and Leonard. She was a bendy former lover. In this movie she bends herself in half. She is pretty and seems cool and it was weird seeing a minor celebrity you follow online just pop up in a movie like this.

Moving on. Basically the same setup as The Meg. There is a cavern under the body of water where another body of water lies, one filled with prehistoric creatures that have a taste for humans, apparently. First casualty is Richard Dreyfuss who is supposed to be his character in Jaws, Matt Hooper. Self-referential and what not. Also get some meta commentary from Jerry O'Connell who plays Derrick who is the man behind the camera of a Girls Gone Wild type of thing. The real guy that the character is based on, one Joe Francis, great guy I'm sure, was hella pissed as O'Connell was super upfront about basing the character on this douchebag. In his official statement after Francis threatened to get lawyers and shit involved, O'Connell said "I get to play Joe Francis! Oh, wait. For legal reasons I'm supposed to say, 'I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis.'" For this alone he pretty much wins the movie. Obviously have little respect for this guy as they portray him as being fucking terrible and his character gets it rough with the piranhas biting his dick off and his last words being "wet t-shirt contest."

Have one of my all time beauties here in Elizabeth Shue, still looking fine. Have a bunch of naked ladies but they all look meh compared to Shue though she seems to sort of phone it in. Adventures in Babysitting Shue this is not. But the movie is extremely entertaining and a fun watch. Also get some cameos from Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth who were each on set for probably 15-20 minutes. Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer from like every podcast I listen to who was just in Hell Baby, and Adam Scott from Parks and Rec and Party Down are in the movie as well and are all serviceable. Again, a really fun ride for what it is.

Night of the Demons 2 is the greatest movie of all time

Night of the Demons 2. I know. Not what you would call a classic, but it is a super fun flick for a Halloween night at home. If you actually watch this you you'll notice a familiar face among the mean girls as one Christine Taylor, wife of Ben Stiller. This flick would help launch her career as she would go on to be remembered for such roles as the K-Mart girl (Matilda Jeffries) in Zoolander, Kate in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Sally Sitwell from Arrested Development, and her true breakout role of Marcia Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie. I remembered when the those Brady movies came out thinking that that had to be the girl from the original series, just that she had aged exceptionally well. That was not, in fact, the case as the role was indeed played by Taylor who looks hella like Maureen McCormick, the woman who played Marcia in the show. Wasn't the only person who thought she looked straight up like that chick apparently as they make reference to their similarities in this movie, which came out a year before she took on the role in the film version. In this dickface character Rick, played by one Rick Peters, calls her "Marcia" as sort of a put-down while they are driving to the party towards the beginning of the flick. After some shitty internet research, this appears that this was before she was cast in the movie. Regardless, she is a very pretty lady and maybe one of my favorite bits of the movie which is, let it be known, the greatest of all time.

Pros: Personally thought it was more developed than the original (which isn't saying much). Acting is surprisingly fine, for the most part. Gore/practical effects aren't too shabby. Kill off Jehovah Witnesses and some other religious zealots, always a plus. Pretty ladies (again, for the most part).

Cons: Basically more or less the same as the original just more ridiculous. Not exactly what I'd call a real scare. Nor does it have what I'd call a coherent story-line. Some horrible early 1990s CGI.

Ger

Kids from either a Catholic high school or college (the actors are like 30ish) face off against the demon-possessed Angela from the original Night of the Demons movie after an idiot seminary student conjures her up. Also, she just happens to be the sister of one of the students, a quiet goth girl named Mouse. It was directed by one Brian Trenchard-Smith who did a couple of the later Leprechaun movies including Leprechaun 4: In Space and stars Cristi Harris who is a very attractive lady who gets topless as the redhead Bibi, Darin Heames as Z-boy, Merle Kennedy as Mouse, Amelia Kinkade reprises the role of Angela, Rick Peters as douch Rick, Jennifer Rhodes as the older kick-ass nun chick, and the lovely Taylor as the hot one. The movie was indeed direct to video.

Some shit/observations... The movie is crazy homoerotic with frat dudes in their tighty-whiteys peeping on the sorority, or whatever they are, galls across the way. All of the male parts are over-the-top and ridiculous. We have Perry, the fucking loser seminary student with a magic priest book that conjures Demon Angela, who was already around but whatever. Speaking of the demon/s, can't understand shit they are saying. Plus all the shit with her having a sister is dumb. They occasionally abandon it and then halfheartedly come back to it. Also like how they sort of kill off Taylor, turning her into a demon, and then bring her back because, hey, she's pretty. 

Best line of the movie is also a pretty decent kill. It comes after they end up at the location where Angela reigns or whatever where they throw an inappropriate party considering what went down and what not. But someone takes lipstick off site and now Angela is free to run amok. As such, she finds Taylor and her dude who is also involved in the best scene as a result of this kill/line. The line comes when Angela finds them making out or whatever. They are petting and what not when Angela's hand sort of appears in the car with them and starts grabbing at the dude's dick. He is all like, cha, when they sort of realize it was his date who was doing the tugging. That is when Angela pops up says "strapping young buck, how about a little head?" and chops his head off. Angela thinks this is hilarious. And, you know, totally is. But yeah, Angela is still gross, even in her human form. Weird they chose this chick to build the franchise around.

My favorite scene in the movie is also with this decapitated fellow, I think this is Rick, maybe. In it one of the bros comes up on him playing basketball with his own head. Again, hilarious. The guy who walks up on him is all, what in the fuck, so Rick sticks the head back on his neck and is about to kill the guy when Perry comes out of nowhere and sprays him with a supersoaker filled with holy water followed by a roundhouse which knocks the dude's head off. Rick screams "technical foul, where is the ref when you need one?" At this point Perry punts his head whilst screaming "field goal!" Completely absurd. Doesn't get much better than that.

Best kill is tough but I'd go with Angela who dies in a sort of grand finale. So the gist here is Angela is getting her sister to turn evil or whatever and orders her to kill the nun, who is tied up. Instead, the sister stabs Angela which is pretty dumb. That gives all the teens the chance to gang up on her, shoot her with motorized squirtguns of holy water and what not, sort of melting her into this weird snake thing. That is when Perry, ever the roundhouse enthusiast, kicks a cross in the wall resulting in sunlight coming in and hitting Angela. I was all, "what the fuck is that supposed to do?" when it hits her and she fucking explodes in ridiculous and incredible fashion. Love it when the bad guy explodes unexpectedly, spoilers.

MVP of the flick is obviously Taylor. Not only is she quite a looker, you can tell she is something special, even here. I mean, she has a ways to go before Zoolander and what not, but she plays a serviceable mean girl and even displays a little bit of range as she goes from abused college chick, to sorority bitch, to hardened kick-ass, to demon. And that is the greatest movie of all time, Night of the Demons 2. Better than Night of the Demons even. What what.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is the greatest movie of all time

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Surprisingly solid. Remembered it fondly from childhood. When it came out in 1988 when I was in second grade this little chick that lived down the street and her sister, second grade and kindergarten were these two, had seen it and regaled my bro and I with the entire plot in detail with vivid descriptions of kills and so forth. Later, she was the one that told me that they were making a fifth film that was coming out the following year. No idea how she knew that as this was pre-internet. But it was the coolest. You see, I too was really into horror and my parents too didn't give a shit about what I watched. Yeah, I crushed hard on that little lady. So yeah. Good memories before I had even seen the movie which happened a few years later. Loved it when that finally came about. Figured it would be fine or whatever but wouldn't really hold up to my equally low but different standards today. Wrong. It was pretty dope. Liked it way more than any of the other sequels in the Halloween franchise. In fact, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is the greatest film of all time. If you don't believe me, then maybe you'll take Peter Griffin's (from Family Guy) word on the film. Spoiler, he too says it is the "greatest movie of all time". No shit.

Pros: Back to what the people want (though it took some suspending disbelief to get there): Michael Myers killing folk. The hiding out at the sheriff's house is one of my favorites from the franchise. Decent amount of suspense. Still not quite a Jason ripoff but it's inching there. Performances are almost shockingly solid. The Rachel/Jamie relationship.

Cons: The mask looks terrible and at one point is pink with blonde hair which is just cray. The end where Jamie stabs her ma, spoiler, is weak bullshit. As was Myers's escape from the hospital. Basically a solid movie sandwiched between shit.

Here's the gist... Michael Myers, still alive after getting shot in both eyes and flaming for a good 35 seconds, awakens from a 10-year coma and escapes from the hospital to massacre more people as he makes his way to his bloodline in Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris), the young daughter of the now deceased Laurie (played by Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween and Halloween II). However, his old psychiatrist, Dr. Sam Loomis, played, once again, by Donald Pleasence, is on it, trying to stop the evil before it can repeat the carnage in sleepy Haddonfield, Illinois.

Some weird shit on the production of this flick. You may recall that Halloween III: Season of the Witch didn't have shit to do with Michael Myers and instead followed around a drunk doctor uncovering a mystery surrounding these dope killer masks (they are featured in the new Halloween movie trailer, by the by). This was because producers John Carpenter and Debra Hill, who wrote the first three films, shelved the Michael Myers storyline after the second movie had the character definitively die. They wanted the series to be more of the anthology type with each movie telling a different tale (this one was supposed to be a ghost story or some such shit). But after III confused audiences who went to see a slasher featuring The Shape, producer Moustapha Akkad, who had worked with Carpenter and Hill and on the first three flicks, demanded that Myers come back. Everyone was sort of on board but creative differences are a bitch.

Going to try to keep this rundown short... Carpenter liked this guy Dennis Etchison's script. The two had worked on novelizations of II and III and Carpenter liked the cut of his jib. And Etchison's outline does sound pretty interesting. One of those early self-aware flicks that get trippy and play fast and loose with the genre and our understanding of it. Something like a Wes Craven's New Nightmare. Etchison did an interview a while back giving some intriguing deets:

The idea is that the town, after all those terrible murders ten years earlier, has banned Halloween. They don't recognize Halloween as a holiday; they don’t allow Halloween masks and costumes or Halloween candy. And you know Hunt, the deputy from the first two films? Hunt is now the sheriff. And ten years of repression and suppression have boiled to the surface and there are some hints that He’s back!...

Some of the shit that was in the script included a tulpa, a paranormal being created through spiritual or mental powers, Myers that is sort of birthed in a pumpkin patch out of one chick's fear and is like 15 feet tall. The ending too sounded super dope and featured a scene in a drive-in theater, which I always love seeing portrayed on screen, like in the movie Targets which is insanely dope. It also had Tommy and Lindsay, the kids from the original film, as the leads in this one. Etchison explained it would have went thus:

It ends up with an enormous climax. Tommy and Lindsay go on the run into the countryside, away from Haddonfield. Lindsay hasn’t been able to remember anything that happened in 1978. She has no memory of it; it’s blacked out of her mind. And her mother wants it that way. 

Tommy, on the other hand — they both saw shrinks for a while when they were kids, and Tommy is beginning to get some flashes of it and begins to understand what’s happening. Whenever he tries to call Lindsay from across the street the mother never accepts the calls. ‘Don’t call here again, Tommy Doyle!’ Because it will remind Lindsay of what happened. But they’re bonded together because of what they went through, and they’re grown up now and they kind of like each other. But she’s not allowed to see him. 

Anyway, it ends up with this tremendous bloody scene at the packed drive-in at midnight. It’s really incredible. And the Shape is there and he’s stalking and killing people right and left. Tommy and Lindsay get away. They wake up in a farmhouse outside of town, in the country somewhere, and she has had a dream that starts to bring it all together for her…In short, it’s not just a slasher movie. The story has a philosophy behind it.

So it was more or less that when Haddonfield tried to suppress Halloween and Myers, it all came bubbling up to the surface ironically bringing him back into existence. Dope as fuck, right? But Akkad fucked it in the end, "too cerebral" for his taste saying that Myers must be flesh and blood killer. Eventually Carpenter and Hill had signed all of their rights away to Akkad and that was that and the script was forgotten. But yeah the end result was pretty great. But that sounds fucking cray and scary as fuck.

Anyway, back on track. Some shit I liked about the film, though the opening isn't the best with a sort of dumb kill (a thumb through a guy's skull), the movie doesn't fuck around and gets right into it with Myers waking up from a 10-year coma and immediately killing everyone around him. It basically gets some carnage and one sweet ass explosion out of the way early so you know what the guy is capable of before making you wait with some serious suspense late in the film that leads to some decent enough kills. Also, it's a different actress but they bring back the character Lindsay from the first film. She seems like a groovy chick in this as well. Pretty and cool. Looked up the actress. Owns a decent looking restaurant in South Carolina. She's 30 years older and rounder but still pretty and seems to be still grooving as well. 

How the fuck does this even happen?

Some shit I didn't like or made me uncomfortable... The scene where a group of little kids surround Jamie and chant "Jamie's an orphan" at her was fucked. Kids suck. The weirdest thing in the movie was Loomis hitchhiking which was just absurd. It's pretty unintentionally hilarious, in fact. He is out there and these teens pull up to him and are all, "yeah, come on, hurry up grandpa," and all that shit and then when he gets to the car they peal out. Then he gets picked up by a bumpkin priest that he makes insane small talk with as he rides back to Haddonfield. When Myers kills this guy Bucky who works for the power company by throwing him into a transformer is also unintentionally funny as fuck. Also, why does Myers always have to kill the family dog? Tired of that shit. I hate it. That dog didn't do shit to him. And there is a scene out of nowhere where Myers is wearing a pink mask with blonde hair. No idea what they fuck was going on there. It's late in the movie when Myers is in the school. It's some weird shit. 

Schwing

Best scene is easily when Rachel, Jamie, Sheriff Meeker, the sheriff's daughter (Kelly Meeker), Rachel's boyfriend Brady (who gets caught doing the sheriff's daughter), a deputy, and Loomis all hideout in the sheriff's house after Myers has slaughtered all of the city's police. It starts out super awkward as Rachel caught Brady with Kelly earlier, they just went back at after Rachel left by the by, and the sheriff is no idiot and knows that his daughter was getting schtooped and what not. Let's take a second here to talk about how hot I thought this woman who played Kelly Meeker was, an actress named Kathleen Kinmont. She was the sexiest chick I had ever seen when I was a child. In 1990, when I first saw this, she was up there with Kim Basinger, Elisabeth Shue, and Deanna Troi and Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation as the prettiest women of all time. And she holds up. She really does it for me with hella ass and boobs and the little "Cops Do It By The Book" T-shirt. Fine AF. Anyway, it is then that the movie becomes a home invasion flick with the Myers stalking Jamie from outside the home. It is super intense as we, the audience, knows he is there and already in the house, while everyone else boards up the doors and windows to keep him out when they are actually just keeping themselves from escaping. When Sheriff Meeker leaves to deal with a vigilante killing and Loomis goes out to hunt Myers or whatever, the only two people that have a chance of disposing the killer, you know these folk are fucked and indeed they are. It's here that I really doubled down on this movie being dope. 

Escapee Myers without the mask. Good look, actually

It is after this scene that we get my favorite line of the movie. It is just a dumb throwaway from when Jamie, wandering around after everyone in the hideout has got got, gets scooped up by Loomis who is out trying to kill Myers. She says, "Everyone is dead. I just want to go home." Sort of hilarious. 

Best kill comes near the end when the group of vigilantes that killed that kid earlier find Rachel and Jamie outside of the school. They take them to the next town over when Myers pops up in the bed of the truck. After easily dispatching the three bumpkins in the back, Myers rips out the fat driver's throat. It looks great and is an excellent kill. You know it is coming but it is still pretty fucked and shocking. 

Though Pleasence really goes for it here, especially at the end when get the twist ending of Jamie stabbing her foster mother having turned evil or whatever, screaming "No! No! No!" repeatedly whilst trying to kill the child, the MVP of the movie is Rachel and Jamie's relationship. It's not that either of them have to knock it out of the park with their acting or anything for the film to work. You really just need for them to pass as foster siblings. But with these two, you genuinely get that they care deeply for each other. Like the scene where they have to escape the hideout via the roof and Rachel has Jamie climb on her back while she crawls away from the killer. The actor that plays Rachel, Ellie Cornell, kills it here. Really feels like a big sister and Danielle Harris totally makes you think that she loves her sister and trusts her completely. The pair really do a fantastic job. That shit and the long, super tense scene at the sheriff's house elevate movie to what is so far the second best of the franchise. Good shit.