Talk to Me: Don't walk out

Talk to Me - Danny and Michael Philippou - 2023

★★★-Talk to Me. An Australian supernatural horror film directed by Danny and Michael Philippou, marking their first feature film. Seems like this is more or less universally loved. However, I wasn't so high on this, though I do respect it and still think it was pretty good. The Philippous started out as YouTubers and segued to short films and then made this.

Gist revolves around a close-knit group of friends who stumble upon the arcane knowledge of summoning spirits by holding onto an embalmed hand set in a ceramic casting. As long as they don't go over 90-seconds, everything is fine. Any more than that, and the spirit wants to stay. I will say that the fact that this thing exists after all the shit its caused is somewhat incredible. You'd think someone would smash and burn it at some point. Personally, I wouldn't touch it. 

Anyway, intrigued by the dark power they wield, they succumb to the lure of this newfound thrill, giving them a rush that isn't unlike a drug. However, their experimentation takes a dreadful turn when one of them delves too deep into the supernatural realm, unwittingly releasing terrifying forces beyond their control. Eventually, they find themselves in a battle for survival against the unleashed horrors.

Cast is made up of mostly newcomers in Sophie Wilde, Alexandra Jensen who plays best friend Jade, Joe Bird (the best friend's little brother, Riley), Otis Dhanji (everyone's love interest), Chris Alosio, Zoe Terakes, and Miranda Otto who plays Jade and Riley's mom. Wilde, who plays the lead, Mia, is great. Might end up a star. She carries the film, but everyone is solid. Otto is the only person I recognized. She was Eowyn in The Lord of the Rings movies. Also in The Thin Red Line and War of the Worlds. 

Love a high school hangout movie. That's when the movie is its best. I really liked the duo of Alosio and Terakes, who are sort of in charge of the hand, play the characters Joss and Hayley respectively. Every high school has kids like this. Real presence. You sort of hate them, but want to hang out with them and frequently warm up to them before once again falling out. 

Had a couple triggers for me. Animal suffering and the self-harm of a child. I can deal with a lot, but when those things popup on screen, I have to close my eyes and cover my ears. This was especially bad. Pretty much everything that happens to this kid is incredibly awful. The dog is fine, though. 

Few confusing things, too, like when these ghosts are torturing the kid and the brother of the previous owner, who was stabbed in the opening scene by said brother, is like, “meh, just wait it out, he'll be fine.” 

Spoiler here. They make a big deal about the consequences of holding on past 90 seconds. The spirits will want to stay, which is what causes things to go bad. 

Sticks the final landing, though, which is all I'll say about any of that. Not often that a horror movie makes you feel something, but it's becoming more common with “elevated horror.” Keep thinking about Mia's poor dad. He's been through a lot, and you barely know anything about him. 

Does have extended universe potential, which is fun. I definitely see a prequel of where the hand came from in the future. 

Not super scary, though it is unsettling. Camera work is great and super interesting, but it felt like pretty much every other A24 horror film. Had similar beats to Hereditary.

Watched this at 5:00pm the Friday of its opening weekend here in Bloomington, Indiana. I was one of two people in the theater. The other guy grumbled a few times and left at the start of the third act. So I can honestly say half of the audience walked out. The crazy part, though, is that two elderly women, one with a walker, came in a few minutes later to catch the end. It was like some weird math problem. “What is the percentage of people who watched the movie,” so forth. I talked to them after, they were early to their showing of Mission: Impossible and figured they'd see what this was about. Different breed of movie watcher than I. Might have been a better experience with a larger crowd that was feeling it. 

Summoning Sylvia - Wesley Taylor and Alex Wyse - 2023

★★★★-All camp and low budget, it's super fun, original, and good for some laughs. I actually LOLed even and it was female companion approved. However, one of my homosexual homies said the movie was "too gay" for him. For me, the gags are unpredictable and imaginative. Frankie Grande, brother of Ariana, is a sassy, scene-stealing delight. And it is a breezy 74 minutes.

Gist is a group of gay dudes host a bachelor party for their buddy at a haunted house in the sticks. They have a séance, as one does, and shit starts getting weird. Funniest scene is when Grande seduces the pizza man, thinking he was a ghost.

Cast of gays are Travis Coles, Grande, Troy Iwata, Noah J. Ricketts, and Michael Urie (Ugly Betty). The ghost Sylvia is played by Veanne Cox who was in Erin Brockovich, and Harrison, the asshole straight brother, by Nicholas Logan from I Care a Lot.

The film works as a social commentary as well as a while staying fun. The groom's straight ex-military soon to be brother in-law unexpectedly shows up and dumps cold water on the night, almost says the F-word at least once, acts completely disgusted, and other shit like that. It could have taken a darker turn, but doesn't, thank fuck. This guy is something of a homophobe with a history of substance abuse and violence. But don't let that worry you. It does a good job of showing how this dude is a wrong, but also how people like this can come around. 

In all, the movie is a complete success, though I was surprised to see it has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's not perfect but it's really good. Plus, I would have thought some bigots would have brought that down. It's also cool to see a raunchy gay horror comedy that has mass appeal. I'm all in for a sequel. Totally great and worth your time. 

Brooklyn 45 - Ted Geoghegan - 2023

★★-Pretty much completely takes place in the same room. Could have been a play , really. Don't see many high schools putting it on though, if you know what I mean. 

Something I always pay attention to is the difference between the Critic Score and the Audience Score on Rotten Tomatoes. This is one of those major discrepancy movies. Critics Score: 89%; Audience Score: 56%. For horror, it often means its good but insanely fucked up. Almost always means that the movie isn't fun. This was indeed disturbing, and it was indeed not fun. 

Movie takes place on the night of Friday, December 27, 1945. Gist is five World War II veterans gather in the parlor of a Brooklyn brownstone owned by one Lt. Col. Clive Hockstatter who just lost his wife Suzy to suicide. They decide to have themselves a nice little post-Christmas séance to conjure up the vengeful spirit of the dead wife. Sounds like my kind of party. 

After the host makes contact with his wife, he blows his brains out in front of everyone. Just before he eliminates his map, he says “before you leave, you have to do something for me,” or something like that .Soon after, a German woman tumbles out of the closet. Turns out, Suzy, the dead wife, suspected this lady was a Nazi spy. “Hock” now won't let anyone leave until she's dead. 

I suspected the parlor was a personal Hell or something. Can't leave the room, possibly supernaturally stuck their with their demons with a potential real demon or ghost on the loose. Even say, “this is Hell, this room, and none of us are leaving until this Kraut is dead.” Everyone just does what they have to to survive and get out. That's the message of this one. Great. Just what I needed at this juncture.

Director, for his part, one Ted Geoghegan, also did the horror flicks We Are Still Here and Mohawk. Everyone in the movie is recognizable but not famous. See them pop up a lot in these Shudder movies, like this guy Larry Fessenden, who plays the guy who kills himself. He was also in Summoners, Offseason, Dashcam, Jakob's Wife, The Ranger, The Dead Don't Die, You're Next, and The Innkeepers. Dude does pretty much exclusively this type of horror. Others in the movie are Anne Ramsay who I recognize solely from A League of Their Own, Kristina Klebe who was one of the murdered girls in Rob Zombie's Halloween, and Jeremy Holm, who was the ranger in the horror flick The Ranger.The other two are Ezra Buzzington and Ron E. Rains who are familiar but unplaceable. 

All the characters are terrible and unlikeable, which is kind of the point. For example, one guy calls his “friend” a “faggot” and then tells everyone the guy was a “baby butcher.” Dude killed children, so, you know, he's a monster. The accused Nazi woman consoles him though, so it's fine. “You're not a bad man for following orders.” Yeah, she seems totally innocent. The Greatest Generation my ass. Also known as the “Me Generation,” they gave birth to the Boomers, a run that fucked up the country. 

Watch a lot of turds on Shudder, but occasionally I get one that is stellar. This was fine, I guess. But I wouldn't recommend it. 

The Night House - David Bruckner - 2020

★★★★- This was ghost night for the whole Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween challenge thing. 

The gist is a widow whose husband just committed suicide begins to figure his disturbing secrets. Ends up finding this murder house he built in the woods that is exactly like their house except for sort of off and unfinished. All is not what it seems.

Interesting movie. One of the ghost-as-a-metaphor movies. Like the Babadook except without an annoying child.

Concept was super interesting. The inverse house adds to the whole dream quality. Similar to Us in that way.

Doctor Sleep - Mike Flanagan - 2019

★★★★★ - God, I love this movie. Liked the book a lot. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot from the movie. What an experience though. Jesus. Making this a sequel to both the book and the movie is just genius. Takes the best from The shining both in movie and book form. Flanagan makes peace with both groups, fans of the novel and fans of the movie, and completely knocks it out of the park. Grand fucking slam.

There were of course some things I liked in the book better, but overall, man, this movie. The last half hour when they are in the Overlook is just incredible. More on that later. I think it is as good as The Shining and Carrie. At worst, the very best Stephen King adaptation sense the early 80s. 

I love Wendy. Reminds me so much of my own mom especially in this movie. When I was growing up my mother was the spitting image of Shelley Duvall, much to her chagrin, but I always loved Shelley Duvall because of that. As an INFP, I relate to a lot of King’s protagonists. See a lot of myself in Danny Torrance for sure. At least when life was hard. 

The True Knot is insanely terrifying. Rose The Hat (Rebecca Ferguson) is an incredible villain. Type of chick I’ve always done well with and found super attractive. A hippie/gypsy type of gal. She’s trouble though. An evil Rachel (my female companion). A top King big bad. The actress that plays her gives a performance that is not to be forgotten. Hard to outshine Ewan McGregor. This whole cast is crazy good but she is on another level.

Good old fashion high octane Stephen King horror. The shit with the little kid Brad is fucked. It is hard to watch that as anything on Dahmer. I feel most kids are terrible actors but that one was really moving. And as he is dying and Danny’s chalkboard cracks and he says “REDRUM” in the mirror. Incredible filmmaking. The main girl is GREAT too. 

Random note: When I go, I want a sweet, beautiful cat to comfort me and lead me to the other side. 

Minimizing Crow Daddy was a good call. Just seeing his name made me grown in the book. 

The scene where she tries to ambush Abra is incredible. Especially when Rose gets trapped and then is thrown back into her body.

The last half hour of the movie is unreal. It’s what separates the book from the movie and what makes the movie just an incredible watch. Going back to the overlook is more than I could’ve ever hoped for from a movie pretty much. All builds to this reunion. Once they hit that gas station that Dick Halloran was at it is fucking on. You see it, recognize it, then the music kicks on, and we get the drone footage except at night. Incredible. It does not disappoint. Some hottest take territory stuff, but I might like it more than The Shining.

V/H/S 99 - Flying Lotus, Maggie Levin, Tyler MacIntyre, Johannes Roberts, Joseph Winter, Vanessa Winter - 2022

★★ - Little behind here posting my watches. Counted this for the new release for the Nightmare on Film Street Halloween challenge. 

Got to see the new anthology flick V/H/S 99 a little early at the Brooklyn Horror Film Festival last week. Some of the segments were better than others, but the last one, “To Hell and Back” was great. Overall, not great. 

Shudder put the film fest on and I got to see some of those like-minded horror teevee machine people milling about. Even saw Shudder curator Sam Zimmerman, who I know is not someone most people are going to geek out over but he impresses me.

Ghost Stories - Jeremy Dyson and Andy Nyman - 2017

★★★ - From anthology night for the Nightmare on Film Street movie challenge.

Through most of it I thought it was great. One of the most consistent anthology movies I’ve seen, me thought. The first one was all right, the second one was low-key and dope because of the actor, and the third one is just a holy shit kind of tale. Connecting story is even more what the fuck. Seems pretty normal at first but just goes to fucking what the fuck, shit your pants territory.

The end, though, is so cliché that it fucking ruins the movie. I’m tempted to spoil it it was so fucking stupid. Some throwback you can’t do this anymore without pissing off your audience shit. If this was an ending to a story you wrote in high school you would fail.

Star is this guy Andy Nyman. Looks familiar and he should because I've seen him in roughly 30 things. However, I don't really remember him from any of them.

Martin Freeman is the big draw. He never disappoints. This Alex Lawther kid steals the show though. Might recognise him as the lead in The End of the F***ing World or an especially disturbing Blackmirror. I confuse him with the kid from Sex Education, Asa Butterfield. They are, in fact, not the same person though.

Lisa and the Devil - Mario Bava - 1974

★★★ - Definitely not my favorite Mario Bava movie, but respectable. It’s a pretty bewildering flick. At times it’s hard to tell who is doing what, which has to be by design. Definitely can’t tell what is real or who is bad.

The intro is super cool. A terra card reading for the viewer introducing the stars.

The gist of the movie is a woman gets accosted and kills a guy, ends up fleeing and getting a ride with a rich couple and their chauffeur. Have car trouble and end up at this castle where Telly Savalas, my grandma’s celebrity crush, is the butler, sucking on his trademark Dum-Dums. He walks around with these creepy lifelike puppets. Also, everyone keeps recognizing the main girl, telling her stuff like we’re glad you’re back.

Sorta reminds me of Tourist Trap with all the puppet shit. Dead bodies like walking around and shit made animatronic. Sir Gawain and the Green Knight with the castle that may or may not be real also comes to mind.

Not sure if this is technically giallo. Highly stylized but no killer in black gloves. Way weirder than most of these flicks I have seen, which is saying some thing. Not bad, but not great. Loses points for an awful ending. Really didn’t need to see the sexual assault next to a dead body either.

Last Night in Soho was the worst movie of all time

Last Night in Soho. Oh, wow. Where do I start? Movie has “How did this get made?” vibes. WAY too much going on. Jumping back and form between main chicks was an interesting choice. This is a real dud of an Edgar Wright film. 

Gist is this is a fish out of water, chick travels through time via her haunted room with some real what-is-going-on-shit movie.

Things I find offensive about this film. Don’t care for this main girl, at all, in this movie. There is an obligatory going to the cops and having them think she is on drugs or cray scene. The VVitch girl is misused. Lot of dancing around, party girl shit with a terrible accent. She has a tiny mouth vs giant mouth make out session with her boyfriend. I just found this distracting, but thought I’d mention. We are talking the biggest vs smallest mouth in the history of film shit. 

And finally, the twist was some terrible, M. Night, cheap-ass bullshit. Fuck this movie. I know coked up nonsense. And this, is coked up nonsense.

The Blair Witch Project is the greatest movie of all time

The Blair Witch Project.  "I just want to apologize to Mike's mom, Josh's mom, and my mom. And I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive. I am so so sorry for everything that has happened. Because in spite of what Mike says now, it is my fault." Anyone who doesn't like this movie got bamboozled when it came out. Another horror movie from my Greatest Years in Cinema Project. This one form 1999. The first time I saw this movie, before my junior year of high school,  was at the drive-in. I was at the concession though and missed the first few minutes. I missed the bit about Rustin Parr, the hermit who kidnapped and murdered a bunch of kids in the 1940s on the orders of the witch, stealing two at a time and making one stand facing the corner while he killed the other one. Sooooo, at the end when Mike is in the corner it didn't carry the impact intended as I thought he was taking a piss or something. I thought the movie was fucking dumb as shit because of this. When it came out on video I rewatched, forgetting all about that, just remembering I hated it and it was stupid. Oh, I thought, that shit is scary AF, actually. Greatest found footage movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Full of creepy campfire scares, mock-doc The Blair Witch Project keeps audiences in the dark about its titular villain -- thus proving that imagination can be as scary as anything onscreen.

Gist is that three film student who disappeared after filming a documentary in the woods of Maryland about the Blair Witch legend have their footage show up and shows a bunch of creepy shit. This is that footage.

More or less just three people in this with a few extras. The three we care about are Heather played by Heather Donahue, Josh played by Joshua Leonard, and Mike played by Michael C. Williams. Josh pops up every once in a while but Heather and Mike not so much, which is unfortunate since they were pretty solid, in my opinion, and since they didn't make shit and couldn't really capitalize on the success of the movie. A lot of why they could was because of the viral marketing campaign that said these were real kids that died. People ate that shit up, this was the early days of the internet and people believed everything. They still do I guess. Bursting that bubble though was when Donahue showed up in the Steak 'n Shake commercials. But some people still believed. Probably Trump supporters now. Donahue was also in maybe the worst movie I've ever seen, Boys and Girls. My girlfriend at the time made me go see this piece of trash. When middle school girls were walking out of it and shit, I thought about breaking up with her for making me stay. I never forgave her for this experience.

I remember there was this "documentary" that came out the summer of 1999 that aired on the SciFi Channel in 1999 called Curse of the Blair Witch that detailed the legend and was maybe as cool as the movie. In it we learn that the witch, one Elly Kedward, was this woman blamed for these child disappearances in the late 1700s. The towns folk ultimately sentenced her to death by exposure and banished her to the woods. Her body was never found. Then we get the guy from the 1940s, Rustin Parr. That shit was hot. Honestly, that whole legend shit and the marketing around it was the best part about it. I mean, total bullshit but cool. That is the MVP of the movie for me.

20 years later for my third viewing, shit holds up. Lot better than that Blair Witch trash from a few years back. Real disappointed by that turd. Loved two of the director's, one Adam Wingard, other movies. You're Next and The Guest but have pretty much hated everything since that. You're Next though is one of my favorite horror movies of the last decade. Up there with Get Out and shit. Then there was the sequel to BWP called Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 which I like a lot but was extremely poorly received. It stared Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice and Shut Eye both shows I was somewhat into and Kim Director whom I found extremely attractive. Will have to rewatch that one as well to see if it holds up. Will get back to you on if it does.

Ghostbusters (2016) is the greatest movie of all time

I didn't see this in the theater in part because people kept saying it was trash. Those people don't know what the fuck they are talking about because Ghostbusters is the greatest movie of all time. I feel if you didn't like this fun ass movie, then you are a fucking hater and should be murdered. Female companion says this is coming on a little strong. I think she is coming on a little strong. Murdered I say!

Anyway, when compared to the 1984 Ghostbusters this probably isn't quite as good we are all binary here, baby, and this new one, as of this writing, is the greatest, I tell you. We pretty much know the storyline: sort of the same as the original (ish) with ladies instead of dudes and a vastly different villain as well as ending. I'm not exactly sure if the four women (Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig) line up with their male counterparts (Dan Aykroyd as Ray, Ernie Hudson as Winston, Bill Murray as Peter Venkman, and Harold Ramis as Egon), but if I had to I'd say Wiig is the straight man Akroid type, McCarthy is the Peter Venkman, McKinnon as the goofball in glasses one, and Jones as the black one (the early hate on her in this I'd guess has turned around). And Chris Hemsworth is in it and totally ridiculous. 
 

Ridiculous

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Ghostbusters does an impressive job of standing on its own as a freewheeling, marvelously cast supernatural comedy -- even if it can't help but pale somewhat in comparison with the classic original.

The worst

Pros: Hilarious. Casting is flawless. Cameos are fucking solid. Storyline is decent. 

Cons: So much fucking CGI. Some really shitty jokes mixed in there. Slimer is terrible. 

Notes: Some stuff I liked in no particular order. The ladies make a bunch of references to the YouTube hate they got when they dropped the first trailer to show, “hey, we are in on it. We are meta and postmodern.” It's not particularly clever but it's there. In the movie they read the comments related to their ghost videos and they aren't kind. They keep saying stuff like, “you can't pay attention to what crazies say on YouTube,” wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Sort of overdone but it gets a pass because I am being generous and my eyes having been rolling enough as it is. 

This guy

The guy that plays Sam Adams in Making History is just too weird to live, man. He plays this creep named Rowan North. He is the antagonist in the film. His thing is that he wants to usher in the apocalypse for whatever reason. Find out it's the old “garbage that needs to be cleaned” motive. He really comes on the scene when he plants some ghost summoning device at a concert and all hell breaks loose in probably the coolest scene of the movie. The Ghostbusters luckily capture the apparition and it goes viral. This brings about the best cameo as Bill Murray comes in as a paranormal debunker. He is such a dick and talks the ladies into releasing the ghost from its trap. It flies out and immediately kills him by throwing him out the window. The death was laugh out loud funny.

The most cringe-worthy joke comes when we get the “guilty as charged” bit which I apparently hated enough to jot down without any context. When I Googled the phase and “Ghostbusters” I got a lot of people also hating that line which was featured in the trailer. I am only guessing here, I actually watched this weeks ago but I'm a backed up on writing about all this shit, but I think it was something like “if it's crime being sexy, then guilty as charged.” Die.

Other than the little nitpicky things I just listed, the giant Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons that show up out of nowhere which goes unexplained, and the CGI heavy corny-ass fight scene at the end, this was a solid movie with lots going for it.

The Frighteners is the greatest movie of all time

I was really into Peter Jackson when this movie came out. I loved a movie of his called Dead Alive that is all gore and is fucking amazing. This was his transition film from B-movie director to Hollywood. When The Frighteners came out, I was stoked. And I at the time I loved it... Annnnnnnnddddd, I still do; however, there are a couple of things...

Side note about the history of this movie: This was apparently the movie that got Jackson Lord of the Rings because of Jackson’s visual effects company, Weta Digital, when LOTR was supposed to be a much lower budget film. Also, this was originally supposed to be a Tales from the Crypt spin off, which is insane, and was Fox’s last starring role on the big screen before the Parkinson’s forced him into semi-retirement. There are times in the movie where his hands shake a bit.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Boasting top-notch special effects and exuberant direction from Peter Jackson, The Frighteners is visually striking but tonally uneven.

Pros: Cast is amazing. Fox, Jeffrey Combs, R. Lee Ermey, Jake Busey. Story is solid. Humor is solid.

Cons: CGI is dated. Feels super long.

Sloppy AF

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: In The Frighteners we follow architect/medium Frank Bannister, played by Michael J. Fox, who gained the ability to talk to ghosts (and sort of see the future) following the murder of his wife by an apparition. He uses this ability and his dead buddies to con people into paying him to ghost bust their homes. Eventually he is ousted as a charlatan, but when the spirit of a mass murderer appears able to attack the living and the dead, posing as the Grim Reaper, Frank is prompted to investigate the supernatural presence which he rightly believes to be the entity that offed his old lady.

Frank is easily the worst driver of all time. He is all over the road early. Lanes are apparently optional. Cuts everyone off and runs everyone in a funeral procession off the road, nicely done. Then he parks in the entrance of the cemetery, blocking everyone one. This is just the beginning (he wrecks it multiple times chasing Busey and lets not even mention the wreck that factored in to his wife's death). Cool car though. Old Volvo. Looked it up. It's a 1959 Volvo PV 544 Sports Sedan. I'd look so cool driving that.

One of the people Frank hustles, this couple named Ray and Lucy. Really like this idiot Ray. He is such a meathead. Might as well be named Biff. He is one of Busey's first victims and he is pissed about it. When he dies he is the only one sad at the funeral. Thinks it a tragedy. He is pretty funny, actually. In the scene where Frank and Lucy, Ray's wife, go to a medieval times place for some unknown reason, the guy is totally out of control. He wants Frank to lie about money of her's he lost on a bad investment and then calls her a bitch when she says that is typical Ray. He also refuses to move on even though she clearly is. Though this doesn't sound very funny, I assure you it is.

The roadmap to pain

Also great is the guy from Re-Animator, Combs. I don't really know why he isn't in more things just based on cult status alone. No only was he in this movie and more or less the star in Re-Animator, he also starred in Castle Freak, From Beyond, and Trancers II. That is cult god status. Think of him as a sort of less attractive Bruce Campbell. In this movie he is a complete neurotic fool. Throws up when women talk to him and says things like "My body is a roadmap of pain" which is some pretty cool nonsense to say.

All in all, I consider this movie nearly flawless except for the really bad CGI. I remember it being fine at the time. It did not age well. There is a scene at the end, not to give too much away, where it looks especially shitty. You'll know the part when you see it. Weta Workshop was in its infancy at the time and was considered advanced in 1996. 

The Remains is the worst movie of all time

You've all seen this before. It's just like all the other haunted house movies you've seen. One of million Poltergeist/Amityiville clones. It's also not one of those so bad it has charm movies. It's just a shitty, boring, cliché of a movie.

Pros: The dad does okay and acts like a normal guy actually would in a situation like this (which at times is unintentionally hilarious).

Cons: Shitty acting. Completely unoriginal. Dialogue is bad.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Best/worst line: Most grown-worthy line came when this neighbor lady comes over. Says something like, “it's nice the house finally sold.” The dad says something like, “yeah, hard to believe it has been empty all this time.” She then says, “I wouldn't say it's been empty.” He is like what the hell does that mean. “Oh nothing, just that there are probably mice.” She fucking says that. The dad is like what the fuck was that shit?

Notes: Movie starts by going way back. Dream of the 1890s is alive in California, apparently. Olde timey couple with a missing daughter goes to a pair of spiritualists. These people can't act for shit. So robotic it is painful. It's still better than I can do but is noticeably not great. This is going to be an long hour and half if it stays like this. Otherwise a standard seance featuring demon possession and mass murder with a phonograph playing that “Daisy” song that Hall 3000 made forever creepy.

On to present day. More shitty acting, this time with annoying children. Actually, they aren't that bad. Widower dad (who is okay at times) with three kids (all of whom sort of suck). Two young'uns and a late teen who spends most of her time early in the movie sexting at inappropriate times with her BF (like during the walk through of the house). Looking at buying a house. End up at the murder house from scene one. Comes with an enticing creepy doll sized model of the house. If there is one of these in a house you are ever looking at buying, you should definitely live there. Later she finds a terrifying doll too. Maybe rent it out or something. Also doors keep slamming and people keep running by in the shadows. Beautiful house that is too good to be true situation. City owns it and supposedly wants to just get rid of it before it depreciates in value. But the doorbell is broken.

They are moved in. The older daughter is all rebellious and feisty—smoking, backtalk, occasional freakouts, so forth. Food delivery boy drops off dinner. Mentions the fucking doorbell. Also acts like a complete asshole. Says, “I didn't think anyone would ever buy this house.” Dad is like, what the fuck, and the kid is all, whatever, old man.

Three ghost happenings the first night. Day two they find a bunch of 1890s relics like the phonograph, the doll, an old camera, the dude's pocket watch from scene one. The youngest daughter, who is a little violent and crazy, is acting strange. Like maybe she is possessed at this point. Clueless dad is like, “I need to check all this weird shit out before you play with it... It could be worth some money,” and fucking yoinks the doll. The two little kids are like super lethargic almost immediately. Basically zombies. The dad is almost comically clueless here. Kids barely able to say they want eggs for breakfast without drooling. Dad cracks them open and they filled with blood. He is like, “huh, that is weird. They must be rotten. What do you know?”

Escalates from there. Kids act weird. Shit happens to them. The boy wets himself. The girl faints. Explained as low blood sugar. Meanwhile, older sister wants to bone her skeezy BF but ghostus interruptus. Start getting ghost warning from beyond the grave. At this point the dad figures out that some shit went down in the house. Dad decides what they need to do is get rid of the stuff that was there when they moved in. But all of them are like attached to one of the items and he can't. His is the watch. He now starts dreaming about killing the kids. The movie predictably escalates from there and then it ends predictably with the survivor girl barely even noticing anything is going on. From her standpoint shit only gets weird for like two minutes of the movie then she burns the items and it's fucking over. But wait. One last shitty jump scare and we are back to the realtor selling the house again to another stupid family. What the fuck? It makes no fucking sense at all. Is she like in on it with demons/ghosts? I have no fucking clue. It's so fucking stupid. Nor is it ever scary. This is in no way worth your time.