Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Jennifer's Body is the worst movie of all time

Jennifer's Body, also a Hole song that is not bad (I love Hole), is Diablo Cody's followup to Juno staring one Megan Fox as Jennifer who gets herself demonically possessed resulting to many a high school boy getting eaten while her BFF, played by Amanda Seyfried (who does a pretty good job), tries to stop her. I think this is maybe the start of Megan Fox mania. I don't get it. Anyway, their friendship is pretty complicated and terrible. They are more nemeses than true homies. If you combine Mean Girls and Carrie and you get Jennifer's Body. Totally has to be what they were going for. The result is way shittier though. After I started writing this I Googled those three movies and it looks like that is more or less the consensus.

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Jennifer's Body features occasionally clever dialogue but the horror/comic premise fails to be either funny or scary enough to satisfy.

Pros: Great soundtrack minus the death metal and the shitty music the Satan worshipping band that factors into the plot plays. Pretty decent ensemble cast. Moments are pretty scary. Solid acting (for the most part).

Cons: I thought this supposed to be funny. Pretty fucked up statement on female friendship. All over the fucking place. The ending is fucking terrible.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Starts with a Seyfried monologue in a prison. Some sort of celebrity criminal situation going on. Even has a nickname, “The Kicker.” We see right away that this chick is fucking insane. Assaults some doctor lady at the prison in horrific fashion by kicking her in the face. Gets herself tossed in the hole, which is later revealed to be intentional and unnecessary. Kicking never comes up again in this movie by the by.

Devil's Kettle is the town all this goes down. The town features a waterfall with a bottomless whirlpool that scientists can't figure out. Main girl, Seyfried, is supposed to BFF with Jennifer but Jennifer's is fucking terrible. They go to see some shitty band at a bar. Chris Pratt cameo. He is some 30 year old high school student at the bar. Main girl is totes in love with Jennifer. Some unhealthy shit going on there. Then, while the band plays, out of nowhere, the bar goes up completely in flames. The fire is fucking terrifying. People are on fire and running around like idiots. Main girl, Jennifer, and the band get out. Jennifer gets into his van. She's in shock maybe. Shit is creepy. I was really into this movie at this point. The situation was absurd. Both comical and horrifying. This was the most interesting part of the movie. She goes back home. Talks to her BF (?) about how fucking cray that was. She is home alone. Doorbell rings. Someone's in the house here. Some real suspense at this point. It's Jennifer and she is obviously possessed. Not in good shape. Is maybe a third more bitchy as a demon.

Movie starts out moving along quickly. This is 25 minutes in. Then it goes to shit and the pace really slows down. It sort of turns into a bad teen movie. Asking each other out on dates, soft-core awkward petting, a goth funeral that is fucking dumb (supposed to be humorous but fucking bombs), talking about research gathered in the Occult Section at the library, prepping for the big dance, so forth. Sometimes it gets pretty boring.

At school the day after the fire and possession Jennifer is totally fine. A bunch of the kids at the bar were students at this HS. I think Chris Pratt is dead already. His BFF is a fucking dipshit. Jennifer comes onto him and takes him into the woods to bone. All the animals are watching and he's like,"uh, ok." I can see the attraction now, sort of. She totally kills him. guys are fucking stupid. This scenario repeats itself multiple times over. Once with a goth. Once with an Indian kid.

Amy Sedaris shows up. Main girl's mom. Other oh-that's-what's-her/his-faces: previously mentioned Pratt, the big dumb guy from coach, Juno's dad is a teacher with a hook-hand, mom from Dead Like Me.

Do get a truly terrifying first-time sexual experience. Main girl and Jennifer are inexplicably telepathically linked. All Jennifer's killing ruined it for her. She abruptly stops having sex with her dude. A real mood killer. She leaves and almost accidentally runs over Jennifer. They eventually end up at Seyfried and almost get it on. It's a little bit hot but Jennifer has like mind control powers too which makes it super rapey. Also says a lot about the dynamics of the friendship... But I kind of get why people are into Megan Fox now. 

The band thinks she's a virgin. Sacrifice her to Satan for fame. Now she has Wolverine esque healing powers. When I saw that I thought for sure she going to have throw her in the bottomless pit but that doesn't happen. I was already over this movie long before the end but had I loved it to that point, then the last 10 minutes would have ruined it. Not going to give much away here. Just know none of it makes any fucking sense. This is especially true of everything that happens once we are back at the prison. Everything there is a fucking mess. Nice use of the song "Violet" by Hole though.

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