Monday, March 20, 2017

The Remains is the worst movie of all time

You've all seen this before. It's just like all the other haunted house movies you've seen. One of million Poltergeist/Amityiville clones. It's also not one of those so bad it has charm movies. It's just a shitty, boring, cliché of a movie.

Pros: The dad does okay and acts like a normal guy actually would in a situation like this (which at times is unintentionally hilarious).

Cons: Shitty acting. Completely unoriginal. Dialogue is bad.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Best/worst line: Most grown-worthy line came when this neighbor lady comes over. Says something like, “it's nice the house finally sold.” The dad says something like, “yeah, hard to believe it has been empty all this time.” She then says, “I wouldn't say it's been empty.” He is like what the hell does that mean. “Oh nothing, just that there are probably mice.” She fucking says that. The dad is like what the fuck was that shit?

Notes: Movie starts by going way back. Dream of the 1890s is alive in California, apparently. Olde timey couple with a missing daughter goes to a pair of spiritualists. These people can't act for shit. So robotic it is painful. It's still better than I can do but is noticeably not great. This is going to be an long hour and half if it stays like this. Otherwise a standard seance featuring demon possession and mass murder with a phonograph playing that “Daisy” song that Hall 3000 made forever creepy.

On to present day. More shitty acting, this time with annoying children. Actually, they aren't that bad. Widower dad (who is okay at times) with three kids (all of whom sort of suck). Two young'uns and a late teen who spends most of her time early in the movie sexting at inappropriate times with her BF (like during the walk through of the house). Looking at buying a house. End up at the murder house from scene one. Comes with an enticing creepy doll sized model of the house. If there is one of these in a house you are ever looking at buying, you should definitely live there. Later she finds a terrifying doll too. Maybe rent it out or something. Also doors keep slamming and people keep running by in the shadows. Beautiful house that is too good to be true situation. City owns it and supposedly wants to just get rid of it before it depreciates in value. But the doorbell is broken.

They are moved in. The older daughter is all rebellious and feisty—smoking, backtalk, occasional freakouts, so forth. Food delivery boy drops off dinner. Mentions the fucking doorbell. Also acts like a complete asshole. Says, “I didn't think anyone would ever buy this house.” Dad is like, what the fuck, and the kid is all, whatever, old man.

Three ghost happenings the first night. Day two they find a bunch of 1890s relics like the phonograph, the doll, an old camera, the dude's pocket watch from scene one. The youngest daughter, who is a little violent and crazy, is acting strange. Like maybe she is possessed at this point. Clueless dad is like, “I need to check all this weird shit out before you play with it... It could be worth some money,” and fucking yoinks the doll. The two little kids are like super lethargic almost immediately. Basically zombies. The dad is almost comically clueless here. Kids barely able to say they want eggs for breakfast without drooling. Dad cracks them open and they filled with blood. He is like, “huh, that is weird. They must be rotten. What do you know?”

Escalates from there. Kids act weird. Shit happens to them. The boy wets himself. The girl faints. Explained as low blood sugar. Meanwhile, older sister wants to bone her skeezy BF but ghostus interruptus. Start getting ghost warning from beyond the grave. At this point the dad figures out that some shit went down in the house. Dad decides what they need to do is get rid of the stuff that was there when they moved in. But all of them are like attached to one of the items and he can't. His is the watch. He now starts dreaming about killing the kids. The movie predictably escalates from there and then it ends predictably with the survivor girl barely even noticing anything is going on. From her standpoint shit only gets weird for like two minutes of the movie then she burns the items and it's fucking over. But wait. One last shitty jump scare and we are back to the realtor selling the house again to another stupid family. What the fuck? It makes no fucking sense at all. Is she like in on it with demons/ghosts? I have no fucking clue. It's so fucking stupid. Nor is it ever scary. This is in no way worth your time.

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