From Black, promising premise, but ultimately forgettable

From Black - Thomas Marchese – 2023

★★-Serviceable. Atmosphere is haunting/unsettling. Performances are solid. Story is engaging. However, it goes off the rails a little bit, getting unnecessarily challenging and tedious. There is a good movie that gets lost in an intricate web of a goat sacrifice, salt circles, hieroglyphics, spell conjuring, and dark takes on Finding Nemo. It was all a little overwhelming/complex. Feel that it kind of out-kicked its coverage. 

A young mother struggling with addiction is plagued by guilt after the disappearance of her young son, which she is suspected of causing. A man from her support group comes to her and promises to unveil the truth about what happened to her son and tells of a ritual that might bring him back. However, the cost she must pay has terrifying implications. In the end, she must choose how far she is willing to descend into darkness for a shot at redemption.

Directed by Thomas Marchese. Only other feature is a movie called Fallen that I've never heard of from 2017. Not a bad debut, though he isn't really offering anything super fresh into the well-trod horror genre. Stars Anna Camp as the lead, Cora, John Ales as Abel who introduces Cora to the dark arts, Jennifer Lafleur as the detective sister, and Travis Hammer as the druggy ex. 

Get a horrific child abduction and murder. Just a warning. The mother has an out-of-body experience that she has to watch. A demon tells her she can't speak, “lest this be your last memory of him.” Wow, that was f*****. The music makes the whole thing about 100 times worse. It's a disturbing series of burps. Thankful we were spared seeing the goat die. Eating raw goat meat doesn't seem like a good idea. 

The whole plot with the ritual goes off the rails. This is mostly because the guy running the ritual has picked a woman who can't follow instructions, which is on him. 

Towards the end something predictable, but satisfying happens. I think that's why the Critics' Score is so low and the Audience Score so high on Rotten Tomatoes. Tainted though so that gambit doesn't work. Demon didn't say anything about that when making his demands, which is lame. 

Something super messed up about this is the guy who kills her son was he was in her support group led by Abel at the beginning of the movie. It's a really complex, sinister implication. The way I read that is that this guy killed Noah so that Abel could use her as a vessel. There is some room for interpretation here. I feel this takes the movie up a star, for me. Sort of recommend for hardcore horror fans. 

Evil Dead Rise - Lee Cronin - 2023

★★★★★-Shotguns. Chainsaws. Wood-chippers. Eyeballs getting bitten out and spat into a child's mouth. A literal bloodbath, they use over 6,500 liters of fake blood. This is what the Evil Dead films are about. 

I found this to be shockingly good. A near perfect movie worthy of the franchise, my favorite in all of horror. Blows the 2013 movie out of the water. My only minor complaint is that I don't really like not knowing where this fits in with the other films. But how do any of them fit in? 

Gist is estranged sister Beth (played by Lily Sullivan) visits older sis Ellie (Alyssa Sutherland) and her three kids (Morgan Davies plays Danny, Gabrielle Echols plays Bridget, Nell Fisher plays Kassie), two of whom are high school aged, and the youngest girl, Cassie, who is roughly seven or eight, probably, I don't know. They live in a dilapidated LA apartment that is about to be condemned and torn down. It apparently had many other lives before it was converted to apartments, including a bank. After an earthquake opens the floor of the parking garage, Danny goes into what used to be the vault and finds the dreaded Book of the Dead and some records translating the ancient text. Despite his sister Bridget's warnings, he listens to the translations, which unleash the Deadites. Standard Evil Dead setup, but in a new local, which was pretty cool. What follows is glorious apartment dwellers vs. the dead action. 

Directed and written by Lee Cronin. His only other feature to date is The Hole in the Ground back in 2019. The fifth installment in the Evil Dead film franchise. The main guys associated with the original creators had their hands in this film as well. Rob Tapert, who produced the original, produced this one as well director Sam Raimi and actor Bruce Campbell executive producing. The idea for this film came after plans for direct sequels to Evil Dead (2013) and Army of Darkness were abandoned and Ash vs Evil Dead was cancelled after the third season, which still hurts. 

Overall, loved it. The opening is fantastic. Doesn't mess around. Wastes no time putting you in this world. Then, when the kid plays the record, and we get that old familiar “Kandar”, followed by the zoom, got chills. 

While I may see the first three films in the rosiest glasses possible, I was pretty critical of the ones that don't star Bruce Campbell. However, Cronin gave me everything I wanted in terms of nods to Raimi's films while also making it his own. The monster's final form is not something we've seen before and was the perfect way to one up the holy hell vibe. Definitely not for the faint-hearted, this is the bloodiest film in the franchise with any character potentially dying horrifically. It's groovy. Come get some. 

Attachment - Gabriel Bier Gislason - 2022

★★★★-Oh, the dangers of being a deep sleeper. This movie is scary as shit. 

Shudder original that came highly recommended. Part of the horror genre's New Queer Cinema that we're getting now. 95% on Rotten Tomatoes. 51% Audience Score. Not sure what the disconnect was there. I thought it was great. 

Drawing inspiration from Jewish folklore, this horror flick follows a woman in cohabitation with her girlfriend and girlfriend's mother in a Hasidic community. The idiosyncratic/domineering mother, she finds, is obsessed with supernatural perils to the point that shit gets scary 

I used to have a hard and fast rule that if I went over to a friend or girlfriend's house and the meeting with the parents or roommates was super weird, then I immediately checked out. Mostly because of movies. Blue Velvet comes to mind. This is of that persuasion and a good reason to keep it in place. By the time you realize something is wrong, it's way too late. 

Stars Sofie Gråbøl as the mother Chana, Josephine Park as the outsider girlfriend Maja, Ellie Kendrick as daughter Leah, and David Dencik as uncle Lev. Kendrick is the only one I've seen. She played Meera Reed on Game of Thrones. She was the girl who took care of Bran and hung out with Hodor. Directed by one Gabriel Bier Gislason. This is his first feature film, which is pretty remarkable.

Crazy good flick.Goes from a sweet love story that ruminates on the nature fears of relationships and family, then become completely terrifying in a different way. I highly recommend. 

Huesera: The Bone Woman - Michelle Garza Cervera - 2023

★★★★-Another movie that affirms my child-free status. Solid debut from director Michelle Garza Cervera available on Shudder. This is not my kind of movie though. Again, Rotten Tomato had it right there at the top that this maybe wasn't my cup of tea: 98% Critics Ranking, 63% Audience Score. However, I made it through, and I'm thankful I did as this was another thought-provoking horror flick that has something to say. Plus, the end gets totally cray. 

Never seen anyone in this film before in my life. Stars Natalia Solián as Valeria, the protagonist of the film. She is a really pretty lady. Like a combination of Rosario Dawson and Cristin Milioti of Palm Springs. Her husband is played by one Alfonso Dosal, who seems to be something of an up-and-comer. Others whom I don't know that are in this movie include Mayra Batalla in the role of Octavia, Sonia Couoh as the sister, Mercedes Hernández as the aunt, and Aida López as Valeria's mother. 

Gist is this woman Valeria finds out she is preggers. Her joy at becoming a first-time mother sours when she starts to realize she is cursed by a sinister demon or something. Danger closes in, most people think she is insane and definitely unfit to be a mother. Shit escalates until she turns to traditional ways to rid herself of this dark entity. 

Valeria is obviously under a lot of stress. Her husband is one of those, “what are you talking about, you crazy woman?” types that are some prevalent in horror movies. “You're just a hysterical woman!” So is her family. Her mom and her sister are fucking horrible. Her “spinster” aunt seems pretty cool, but the worst thing that could happen in this family is ending up like her. Then the sister tells her, “people like you shouldn't have children.” Thanks for the support. Of course the husband sides with the family. In general, everyone treats her like an insane person. 

Takes us on a weird side story suddenly that follows a female lover of the protagonist, I thought. This Octavia, the lover, is hanging out with this lesbian couple. One is leaving. The other is staying to go to college even though her brother was killed in the city they were planning on fleeing. “What is happening here,” my notes read. At some point I realized that this was her back in the day. It took me an embarrassingly long time to pick up on that. Anyway, they obviously had a good life, but it didn't work out. Now, Octavia has a pretty dope life in her non-child ways. She hangs out with lesbians, boxes, goes to rock shows and house parties, has casual sex. Her freedom is showed in contrast to Valeria, who keeps creeping back into Octavia's life. 

Several pretty unsettling scenes of the body horror persuasion. Lots of bones poking through skin. There is also a poor chained up dog that barks like crazy and then ends up dead. If you do this to a dog, we are going to have problems. You and me. But one of the most subtly fucked up things I caught was a picture in the OBGYN's office of a baby coming out of a woman's stomach. I'm not sure if it is surgical or what, but it's just casually there to freak the patients out, I guess. Then, of course, there is this defenseless baby whose life gets played fast and loose with. I had to Google “does the baby die” to see if I could finish it. Just FYI, if that triggers you. 

Had myself a sort of feminist film triple feature with this, Unwelcome, and Lucky. The gist of all of them was when your wife or daughter is pregnant or going through some real shit and maybe having some mental health issues, maybe don't berate her. Crazy idea, right? But this is how we act as a society. Have compassion. Be cool and fucking care. 

The Beyond - Lucio Fulci - 1981

★★★-Gateway to hell in the basement of a hotel movie. “Southern Gothic” as it takes place in New Orleans, though it is directed by an Italian with actors from fucking everywhere. 

Directed by the infamous Lucio Fulci, who was known for treating everyone on set, especially women, like shit. He worked in various genres in a career that spanned nearly five decades. You know, comedy, Spaghetti Westerns, action, so forth. But he garnered a cult following for his giallo and horror flicks, mainly remembered for his “Gates of Hell” trilogy, of which this film is the second. The other two are City of the Living Dead (1980) and The House by the Cemetery (1981). 

The film doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. Dream logic flick. Voiceover makes it make even less sense. 

It's a pretty brutal movie. A child sees her mother killed by acid when going to identify the body of her father. There is a crucifixion, eye trauma (hes known for eye trauma), multiple deaths by acid, a woman whose seeing eye dog saves her from a zombie attack then turns into a zombie and rips out her throat, and a child, the one who watched her mom die, who gets her head blown off in graphic detail. Fulci apparently hated the child, accused her of being a drug addict, and maybe abused her. Harsh. The guy who does the deed had absolutely no hesitation in shooting her in the face, which I applaud. “She was a zombie?”

This male lead, played by one David Warbeck, is a good looking dude. Kind of a cross between Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery. British stage-trained actress Catriona MacColl stars. She is mostly remembered for this trilogy. The actress Cinzia Monreale plays the blind woman. She's remember for her work with Fulci and fellow Italian Joe D'Amato, notably in the film Beyond the Darkness. Her and Fulci famously did not get along. She is a really pretty lady. 

After treading on being a somewhat cerebral movie for the first three/fourths, the movie ends with a full on zombie attack out of nowhere. They go to the hospital which is overrun with zombies from the morgue or these are all patients, it does matter. Then they open a door, descend a staircase, and are back in the basement of the hotel. “Impossible,” they say. Dream logic. 

The end comes when the couple walk into Hell. What did they think would happen? Not great, but I was intrigued. It's grown on me since watching the other night, for sure. Still, not something I'd recommend to anyone off the street. 

The Night House - David Bruckner - 2020

★★★★- This was ghost night for the whole Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween challenge thing. 

The gist is a widow whose husband just committed suicide begins to figure his disturbing secrets. Ends up finding this murder house he built in the woods that is exactly like their house except for sort of off and unfinished. All is not what it seems.

Interesting movie. One of the ghost-as-a-metaphor movies. Like the Babadook except without an annoying child.

Concept was super interesting. The inverse house adds to the whole dream quality. Similar to Us in that way.

V/H/S 99 - Flying Lotus, Maggie Levin, Tyler MacIntyre, Johannes Roberts, Joseph Winter, Vanessa Winter - 2022

★★ - Little behind here posting my watches. Counted this for the new release for the Nightmare on Film Street Halloween challenge. 

Got to see the new anthology flick V/H/S 99 a little early at the Brooklyn Horror Film Festival last week. Some of the segments were better than others, but the last one, “To Hell and Back” was great. Overall, not great. 

Shudder put the film fest on and I got to see some of those like-minded horror teevee machine people milling about. Even saw Shudder curator Sam Zimmerman, who I know is not someone most people are going to geek out over but he impresses me.

Drag Me to Hell - Sam Raimi - 2009

★★★★ - My underrated movie for the Nightmare on Film Street challenge. My third watching since coming out. Still dig it.

What’s not to love? Humor, gypsy curses, falling anvil, Deadites, talking goats, so forth. Plus literal draggings to Hell.

Stars  Alison Lohman, Justin Long, and Bonnie Aarons as the old woman. 

I’m gonna watch anything that Sam Raimi does. It is my opinion he has not made a bad movie. I’ll put this one in the middle for him but still pretty great.

Most people probably know this but Raimi features “The Classic,” a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 that he supposedly lost his virginity in, in nearly all of his films. It was Ashy Slashy’s car in the Evil Dead movies, for example. The gypsy drives it in this flick.

So, liked it. But I can not abide by a movie where they killed the cat.

Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight - Ernest R. Dickerson - 1995

★★★★- Darkness dweller night for the Nightmare on Film Street 31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Went with this old favorite. 

Billy Zane and his lower-level demons go after William Sadler, an immortal demon warrior, I guess, to steal a key that contains the blood of Christ. All the stars literally aline and he goes to a shit hotel to find his replacement. The tack on the crypt keeper stuff at the beginning and the end. Forgot how much I loved the show back in the day. 

Really cool mythology in the flick. This is definitely one of those movies that critics hated but us amateur folk love. Really appreciate the run Ernest Dickerson had in the 90s. Was Spike Lee’s cinematographer from Malcolm X (among others) before directing Juice, Surviving the Game, this movie, and Bulletproof. 

Really solid cast. Zane and Sadler. Jada Pinkett Smith. CCH Pounder. Dick Miller. Thomas Haden Church. He’s pretty funny, too, because he is so dumb. The Who Framed Roger Rabbit guy. 

Like that he plays the “good guy with the gun” who is actually a perv gun-nut who was planning a mass-shooting. He’s a disgruntled postal worker which was “funny” in the 90s for some reason. 

Child actor is super terrible. The way he utters, “he got my parents,” is maybe the worst delivery in any movie I’ve seen. Explodes at the end of the movie though. 

Bought a lot of Billy Zane stock in 1995 after seeing this for the first time. Super funny. Cool. Charismatic. Punches through people’s heads. 

Just noticed that when Billy Zane offers the old woman her arm back, it’s the wrong arm. There’s also a scene where he’s obviously dragging around a manikin that is supposed to be a Jada Pinkett Smith.

Demons - Lamberto Bava (Cowritten by Dario Argento) - 1985

★★★★- Yeah, even though it’s called “Demons“, I thought it was giallo just based on the director and it being dubbed and all that shit. Adjacent, I guess you could say. This is full on supernatural horror. 

Gist is a mask causes a zombie outbreak at a movie premiere. Love a movie within a movie. The mask is completely unexplained, which is interesting. I like movies that just throw you in it like this. Anyway, the mask is featured in the movie and causes a zombie outbreak. If you know that, you know, maybe don’t bring it to the premier people to touch and what not. 

When shit goes down in the theater people don’t really notice because the screaming on the screen drowns out the real screams. Once a zombie/demon (these terms are interchangeable here) busts through the screen, it is too late. Obviously inspired the opening scene from Scream 2. 

Zombie kills are nuts. OG zombie vs. samurai sword movie. Plus some cool zombie vs. helicopter blade action.

Love the scene where a guy screams “smash everything“ repeatedly before smashing everything. He seems to be a pimp, maybe. He’s the only one who knows how to deal with the situation. Gives some orders and when people don’t follow them, he tells them they aren’t worth a shit. I identify, bra. These people get him killed. A real shame. 

Overall, super solid and at times legit terrifying with a lot of Cronenberg-esque body horror. If you’re looking for a disgusting, fast 90-minute movie with a killer punk/hair metal soundtrack, and lots of twists and turns, this has you covered.

Night of the Demons 3 is the worst movie of all time

Come here. Just the bitch I was looking for! Oh, look, another one of these movies. This one a threequel. That's where the magic starts. You know, when things go way off the rails. This is, of course, no exception. So while a bad movie, it is pretty fun. Has the stink of Canada all over it. 

Gist is that a group of kids try to buy booze to party on Halloween and it goes horribly wrong. They end up shooting a cop, which is insane, and have to go on the lamb. The guy who did the shooting is obviously completely over-the-top. He totally commits to this life of crime when they can't buy booze, which is grossly unnecessary. Maybe try another gas station before going scorched earth. But his girlfriend is into it. She seems to be turned on by this nonsense and fully commits to this crazy life their going to have. Some of the others aren't so into it, but they don't really have a choice at this point. 

To avoid arrest, they go hide out in the old abandoned mansion that becomes possessed on Halloween night. They are obviously unaware of this fact or of Angela. Once again we have Amelia Kinkade, the glue that holds the franchise together, I guess in the role. She plays the role of the demon character Angela known for her gross "sexy" dancing. If you were into that the first two times you saw it, don't worry, this third installment has that too. She shows up, does her vomit-inducing sexy dancing, and starts killing the 30 year old teens one by one. 

This movie features some of the most bat-shit decisions in all of the films I've ever seen. You get turned down for booze at a gas station so you steal the attendant's shotgun and shoot the place up? A cop show up so you fucking shoot him? What the fuck are we doing here? You're on the lamb and a demon is killing your friends? Might as well bone, am I right?  Have some self-control.

Some of the names of the people in the film are Vlasta Vrána, Gregory Calpakis, Tara Slone, Christian Tessier, Joel Gordon, Larry Day, Kristen Holden-Reid, Stephanie Bauder, and Patricia Rodriguez. I didn't recognize any of them though it looked like most of them have had semi-successful careers. The problem with the movie isn't the acting. 

The plot, which is completely insane--one character has a snake hand for christ's sake (like, that shit really happens in a movie)--isn't the worst thing either. That would be the truly horrific CGI. This shit is like really bad. It would have been noticeably bad in the 1980s. Was awful for 1997. It is OMG bad by today's standards. And it was completely unnecessary. But, again, gives it charm in that so bad it's fun to watch way. 

Overall, while I liked the first two, the second was a lot of fun, this is sort of a terrible send off. Disappointing since Kevin S. Tenney, who directed the first one, wrote the screenplay. The franchise got a reboot in 2009. Don't think they'll be revisiting this any time soon. 

Hack-O-Lantern is the worst movie of all time

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1988 straight to video, if that tells you anything. Wouldnt have finished it if it weren't on Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-In. Even then it was something of a chore. Diana Prince, aka Darcy the Mail Girl, was really unimpressed. "You should have shown another movie." It's MST3K bad without the riffing to get you through it. Had to supply a lot of our own to not go mad. 

Gist of the movie is that this maniac of a grandfather/pumpkin patch proprietor is secretly this satanic cult leader whose group sacrifices folks on Halloween night. He also practices incest and fathers a child with his daughter. That child, this little blonde kid, is being groomed to take over the cult and grows up to be Mac's dad from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

Some shit to watch out for... Lots of nudity. All gratuitous. Some of the ladies are pretty attractive, too, surprisingly. Odd number of breasts, which is always fun. The blonde child from early in the movie looks exactly like the brother of Mac's dad and nothing like Mac's dad. It could be that guy's son. 

Gramps kills his granddaughter's BF after getting trapped in a recently dug grave. Instead of burying him in, you know, the deep ass grave, we later see that dude was buried next to the hole in a dirt mound, which was an interesting choice. Making Love in All the Wrong Places: Hack-O-Lantern features a cop having sex with a girl right on top of a freshly dug grave. Later, a girl bones a guy on the mound and mistakes a corpse's exposed hand for her lover's. Insanely, the girl then shows her friend exactly where she had sex at where they find the corpse, who is the other chick's BF. 

Some other dumb shit includes the four times I thought the movie was over but then it just kept going on. Lots of pump fakes. Hate a pump fake. Also, Gramps thinks he is making the sign of the devil and making the pentagram in the air like a Catholic would cross himself, but he is really making the sign for "I love you." WTF. 

Worst offender of all, maybe, is the name Hack-O-Lantern. Like, why? Has nothing to do with anything that happens in the movie. Waste of a perfectly good title. 

Only real positive I have is that the band is pretty solid. The director, one Jag Mundhra, came out of Bollywood which seems to pretty much always have more or less music videos in the movie (at least the few movies I've seen playing at Indian restaurants). I guess this came out of that style. Band was D.C. La Croix, metal but not metal AF. Total MVP of the movie. 

Evil Dead II is the greatest movie of all time

I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!... Swallow this. I've seen this maybe more than any other movie. It's between this or Repo Man. Watch it every fall. Probably somewhere in the ballpark of 30 viewings. Had it on VHS, DVD, BluRay, digital. Have watched every featurette, the commentary, interviews. I adore this flick. Absolutely on my Mount Rushmore. Still hilarious. Ash is still an idiot. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Evil Dead 2's increased special effects and slapstick-gore makes it as good -- if not better -- than the original.

Gist of the movie is that Ashley J. Williams appears to go back to the cabin in the first movie with a new girlfriend and the same shit happens. However, they didn't have the right to show clips from the original, so they sort of have a recap that is slightly different. Movie basically starts when Ash sort of becomes a Deadite for the first time. Anyway, he is alone, losing his shit, battling evil when the cabin owner's daughter and her posse show up and think he is a murdering wildman. As they beat and banish him, the evil that he summoned by listening to the Necronomicon being read aloud on a recording left by the previous occupants starts possessing and murdering people. Also, there is a disturbing tree rape scene. The movie then ends with a tree coming to life and trying to eat everyone before a portal opens up in the sky, sending Ash back to medieval England. Yeah, it's cray, but awesome as fuck. 

Directed by Sam Raimi. You know, the cult film director went Hollywood after this, directing some great flicks like The Quick and the Dead, the Spider-Man trilogy (2002–2007), The Gift, Drag Me to Hell, Oz the Great and Powerful, and, of course, Army of Darkness. He and a guy named Scott Spiegel wrote it as well. Stars the Bruce Campbell, of course. Personal favorite of mine. I'd legit be impressed to meet this guy. Only other people I've ever seen are Dan Hicks, who was in Intruder and My Name is Bruce and some other stuff, and Ted Raimi, who was also in those movies, among other things. Both these guys pop up in Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi projects all the time. 

Lot of good gags in this flick. An evil hand that runs around. Blood that shoots out of places like a firehouse. A room where all the inanimate objects come alive. Then there are Ash's one-liners. Always perfect. 

Is there a universe where Bruce Campbell isn't the MVP? I could see a case being made for Sam Raimi, sure. But it's always Bruce that shines. Dude is groovy as hell... But Sam Raimi is pretty dope. 

Speaking of. Went as Ash for Halloween circa 2008. Pretty sweet costume. Made myself a metal hand and a chainsaw glove out of cardboard. Shit was hot. 

That's me on the left, playing the role of Ash

Satanic Panic is the worst movie of all time

Satanic Panic. Are you by any chance, a virgin? That's a very personal question. She's a virgin... I should stop drinking. Judi Ross: You really wanna face this shit sober? Yeah, not really. Comedy horror that is neither funny nor scary. That virgin line would have been okay if it weren't already done in What We Do in the Shadows. This was sort of a chore to get through. Though the main girl is alright.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It isn't terribly devilish or particularly pulse-quickening, but Satanic Panic remains an entertaining midnight movie that forgiving genre enthusiasts will enjoy.

Gist of this shit is that a broke pizza chick goes to a rich neighborhood outside of their delivery area in hopes of getting a decent tip. She gets no tip. Gets pissed. Does a bit of B&E. Gets volunteered for sacrifice by an order of Satanists who need a virgin to birth a demon. You know, shenanigans. But shit gets all fucked up.

Stars you'll recognize include Rebecca Romijn who looks incredibly different with dark hair (still a very pretty woman, just not herself) and Jerry O'Connell who just plays sleazy dick-bags these days (total sleazy dick-bag who offers to bone the virgin so that, you know, she isn't a virgin). Others you probably won't: AJ Bowen who is in a shit ton of mumblecore flicks like House of the Devil, The Sacrament, and You're Next; Hayley Griffith who plays the pretty virgin girl that almost moved me to tears; Ruby Modine who was the killer in Happy Death Day; and Arden Myrin whom I swore I recognized from something before deciding it was Isla Fisher I was thinking of (it's this face she makes).

Giving the win to this Hayley Griffith chick for her monologue about her boyfriend with cancer who can't really have sex, hence her virginity. Surprising amount of feels there. Wasn't expecting that. You get it, girl.

Hell Baby is the greatest movie of all time

Hell Baby. Absurd. If you like movies like Scary Movie, then you will like this. About the same3 grade level. I mean, it's sort of dumb and isn't anything new... But the cast is great and it made me legit LOL. So that is something. Can't say that about too many movies. Plus, it got me crazy for a Po' Boy sammy and some of those good ass Zapp's Voodoo chips. It's my burfday and I went to the farmer's market and got all the things I needed for a breaded oyster mushroom variety and got the chips and looked about town for some Abita Amber which I couldn't find. Got the root beer instead. It's tits. And OMG y'all. This was a meal, let me tell you. This movie, which takes place in N'Olans, totally inspired this once a year (month) type of feast.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Though its brand of immature comedy may appeal to some, Hell Baby misses the mark with much of its humor, rendering it a largely ineffective -- and often crass -- genre sendup.

Rotten Tomato has this flick at 31%. What the fuck is that shit? I mean, there is some dumb stuff. Like this naked old lady (a young dude in makeup) who is always trying to get sexy with Rob Corddry. Or that Keegan-Michael is just allowed to squat under the main couple's home. But this movie has more baby punching than every other film I've ever seen combined. You'll likely easily quadruple the amount of baby punching you've seen lifetime if you make it to the end of this glorious film. Greatest movie of all time.

Anyway. Yeah, cast is stellar. Corddry, Leslie Bibb whom you'll probably know from the first couple Iron Man movies or as the wife in Talladega Nights or Trick 'r Treat, Key from Key and Peele and MadTV fame, Riki Lindhome who is straight up naked for a solid (and pretty hilarious) minute, Rob Huebel who is totally a that guy, Paul Scheer who does like every podcast not a part of The Ringer that I listen to, Robert Ben Garant who was Junior from Reno 911!, Thomas Lennon (Dangle), the Michael Ian Black, and Kumail Nanjiani (the Pakistani dude from Silicon Valley) who is so goddamned funny in this and is so fucking hot right now. I'd watch pretty much anything with the Reno guys and IMB. All these people are funny as shit.

Favorite scene of the flick is after Corddry (the dad), Key as his squatting houseguest, his sister in-law (Lindhome, the blonde from Period Piece, and Nanjiani (who is just there in his capacity as the cable guy hooking up their internet connection) are doing a "Native American" blessing ritual of the house, basically just smoking a shit ton of weed, there is an earthquake that happens just inside the house, the demons don't like this apparently, and Nanjiani goes to leave. Everyone is all like, "are you okay to drive, man?" and delivers the best line of the flick, "well, I'm really high... so, we'll find out." He then gets in his work van and proceeds to drive off at a mile and a half an hour until he hits a neighbors trash can, knocks it over, and pushes it down the block. At some point he realizes there is something slowing him down, puts it in reverse, backs up two or three feet, and proceeds to drive into it again. Ah, high driving. The old "you'll get there eventually." Indeed, hilarious. ABs says "watch that shits".

Ghoulies is the worst movie of all time

Ghoulies. Jesus. This movie fucking sucked. The only positive thing I have to say about it was that one of the ghoulies, the baby ghouly, of which there are at least three, looks like my dog Lucille. Sick abs and all.

What the fuck is going on in this movie is a mystery and extremely hard to follow. From watching it twice(fish), I've gathered that some evil man-child goes back to what is sort of his childhood home with a lady friend where he was almost sacrificed, has a bunch of friends over, and summons a bunch of demon things and medieval, satanic midgets that cause mischief. These folks either get possessed or killed by low budget monsters. Allllrighty then. 

The movie is cut in such a way that I thought the main character and the guy necromancing were two different people. They weren't, I eventually found out. But you do get to see him shirtless. Which, mee-yow, this guy has the body of a 14 year-old and the face of someone in their mid 50s. He isn't some like marathon runner or anything, lest you get the wrong idea. He is tall, sort of muscular in a genetic never worked out way with no pecs, tiny nipples, and no body hair. A great look, for sure.

Only scene that is really worth watching is when the ghoulies crash the group's dinner party from the inside of the food, like one eats it's way out of the roast, while everyone just shoots the  shit and doesn't notice dick. That scene is like 10 seconds long. The rest of the movie is demon seances, there are bordering on double digits which the characters just sort of scream through for the most part, and masturbatory bullshit.

Did have a kill that was pretty fucking funny though. In this one one of the idiot frat bro type dudes in the movie walks into a room where he thinks someone he knows (I guess) is smoking a joint. This is all out of nowhere, mind you, and he says something like, "hey, don't bogart that joint!" as smoke sort of rises up around this figure with its back to us. It turns around and it's the two midgets stacked up with a cat ghoulie in his arms which he throws at the dude and it starts eating his face. 

No good quotes. No good kills. No one won the movie. This was not a good flick. I could barely finish it. The sequels can't be any worse. Don't waste your time. I'm telling you, this is legit the worst of the worst.

Dead & Breakfast is the greatest movie of all time

Dead & Breakfast. Became aware of this when I was a teacher and I took a student to Walmart to pick up some shit, it was a boarding school, and my student stole this movie because he thought it looked ridiculous. When he got caught, because you can't steal DVDs because of the sensors, I vouched for the kid, saying "I brought him here and he wouldn't do that to me." The lady let us go. On the way home the kid was like, "Oh man, Coach Brew, that was great thinking! I'm going to take you with me whenever I go shoplift!" I fucking lost my mind on this kid and took his DVD and the shit CD he had stolen. I mean, I do consider it sort of a moral duty to steal from corporations like that and all but I wasn't going to tell him that. So I just held onto this shit, eventually watching this flick with the fellow teacher chick I was dating at the time. She kept eyeing it and saying stuff like "we should go to a 'dead & breakfast' sometime." It was cute and funny but she was Satan. We did eventually watch it though. Jury was split as I loved it and she thought it was trash. My sweet babe now, however, loved it. We have similar tastes in over-the-top comedy/horror though sooooooo annnywwwayy. Great dark comedy with some solid gore and a dope cast. Greatest movie of all time? I say it is.

Pros: Campy and fun. Creative use of a decapitated head. Rockabilly soundtrack is solid and pretty funny lyrically (they also keep performing after getting turned to zombies). Cast is serviceable. Extremely engaging.

Cons: Pretty low brow (not that I really mind). Has this look that is made-for-TV esque that I'm not crazy about. Kind of all over the place and has some developments that don't really go anywhere. Otherwise dope.

Gist of the ting... An incredibly rude group travelling to a friend's wedding in a Winnebago stop at a bed and breakfast for a night's rest when the proprietors are murdered in the night. They are then forced to stay in town as suspects/witnesses to the slaying which is getting pinned on this nomad Buddhist dude who bums cigarettes but never smokes them. While there, they discover that the killings were supernatural in origin and the result of opening a Tibetan version of Pandora's Box and turns most of the town, including a few of the travelers, into evil zombie versions of themselves (these are the more possessed, cognizant undead than bran-munchers). They, along with the help of the local sheriff, must survive the night locked in the B&B by fashioning together crude weapons as the hoard tries to break in and murder them.

Maybe it's just me

Directed by one Matthew Leutwyler who has done nothing else I've ever seen or heard of. It stars Ever Carradine who is sort of an Uma Thurman lookalike except more attractive (she is very pretty) who plays the role of Naomi Putnam The Handmaid's Tale but nothing else I've ever seen her in, Brent David Fraser (never seen him), Bianca Lawson who does a lot of shows on the electric TV machine that I've never seen including Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries, Jeffrey Dean Morgan who is amazing in everything whom you may remember most recently from his role of Negan from The Walking Dead, Gina Philips from Jeepers Creepers, Erik Palladino a poor man's Tony Danza who is one of those that guys if you know what I mean, Oz Perkins the son of Anthony Perkins (whom I mistakenly thought was childless and gay [he was actually bisexual] and his widow died on one of the planes on 9/11), and Jeremy Sisto from Clueless and Six Feet Under. You also get cameos from Diedrich Bader from The Drew Carey Show and a million other things, David Carradine who likely needs no introduction, and Portia de Rossi who plays Lindsay in Arrested Development and is partners with Ellen DeGeneres.

The best line, in my opinion, comes when Fraser, who plays "The Drifter", encounters this records keeper in the town hall who takes her job super seriously, staying behind to protect the records even during this whole demon possession zombie bullshit. The records keeper asks what is going down. Fraser says something like "you wouldn't believe me" and she replies with "After what I've seen tonight you could tell me an evil spirit rose up from the dead and decided to posses the entire town and I would believe you" which is funny because it is exactly what happened. Other than that there were a bunch of low-hanging, make fun of vegans quotes which I fucking love--not. Here's my response to all that shit. How do you know you're talking to a meat eater? They'll fucking tell you! Totes true.

Best scene of the movie comes early in the flick. It is when the Tony Danza looking dude gets up in the middle of the night to eat some pie during the groups first night at the B&B. He sits down there at the table and just munches away like an idiot even though there is a dead body next to him. He is just crazy unobservant basically. I can relate. Finally some comes in and freaks out and he finally notices. He gets up and tries to run but doesn't get anywhere because of all the blood on the floor. It is very Dead Alive. BTW, once JDM, who plays the sheriff, comes out and investigates the murders, he tells the bunch that they aren't going anywhere and makes them stay at the scene of the crime while he figures shit out which is insane.

Despite several heads exploding from homemade pipe shotguns, the best kill comes when Perkins's character decapitates Sisto's character, Christian. It isn't so much the kill itself as what he does to him after he kills him. What he does is take the head and put it on his hand and uses it as a puppet. This is when the movie becomes your typical home invasion movie. Perkins is sort of the zombie/demon leader and stands outside taunting the people inside by talking to the head. At one point he asks the head what it thinks. The head replies "Well... I think we should..." and then he yells "shut the fuck up!" at it. Love it when they are all disrespectful and funny like that.

MVP is Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the sheriff who wasn't on the radar at all until this movie came out. You can sort of tell he is something special in this movie and destined for stardom. He looks all cool and rugged and shit and is an excellent actor. Up until then he wasn't really in much. It wasn't long after though that his career really took off, first playing the role of John Winchester in Supernatural which was fucking dope and and then playing The Comedian in Watchmen which is still one of my favorite movies despite all the hate. Now the dude is the main bad guy, Negan, in The Walking Dead. So yeah, super famous. And this was the first place I ever saw him which came about because he, Fraser, and director Matthew Leutwyler were homies growing up originally meeting in an underage Seattle nightclub called "Skoochies" which is a fucking horrible name for a club. They remained buds through the 1990s and worked together on an even lower budget movie called Road Kill in 1999. Then comes this, the greatest movie of all time, and stardom. Boom.

The Ritual is the greatest movie of all time

The Ritual. Netflix original. Brittish film. Based on a book of the same name. Imagine it works pretty well as a book. But who the fuck has time for that. Genuinely pretty scary in a slow burn sort of way at first and then in a completely different way at the end. In more of an awed "oh shit" way at the end. So completely different levels; both work equally well in this flick. We get isolation, witchcraft, cults, a terrifying creature. Plus it's a pretty good fucked up male friendship movie. A lot like Deliverance and The Blair Witch Project with a bigger budget and better effects. Great little flick, this movie. Greatest film of all time even.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Director David Bruckner makes evocative use of the Scandinavian setting and a dedicated cast to deliver a handsome -- if familiar -- horror story.

Pros: Pretty solid tension. A lot going on but it all comes together and makes sense in the end. Does a good job of putting us there with the group by presenting various mysteries and such that we figure out with the hikers. The creature at the end is dope AF and completely original/unexpected.

Cons: I've read some pretty polarizing takes on the end. I thought it was solid minus the way they creature treats the survivor dude which I'll get to below. Have a little weirdness in there for what feels like it's own sake that they don't explain at all.

Gist of the thing... Also, since this is newer, spoilers. Four buddies (with what appears to be no hiking experience) get together for a multiple day hike in backwoods Sweden after the fifth among them, Robert (Paul Reid) was killed in a robbery gone bad. One of them, Luke played by Rafe Spall (he was the guy that got his arm broke by the worm in Prometheus and was Yann Martel in Life of Pi [shout out to my cat, Richard Parker]), was present for the killing and there are lot of bad vibes among them based on the guy not doing more, both from the group and his own guilt. Whilst on the trip they discover some unsettling shit that should have sent them right back from whence they came before spending the night in a creepy house with some obvious cult stuff going on in it. From there they are stalked by some sort of forest creature and picked off one by one until two of them, Luke and Dom played by Sam Troughton whom no idea, survive. Those two end up in a rural community that worships the creature that ends up being part Norse deity.

Staring in the film are Spall and Troughton as Luke and Dom (who is the biggest bitch I've ever seen) respectively, with Arsher Ali (who was one of the main tourists, Hassan, in Four Lions) as Phil and Robert James-Collier (who looks like a sexy Jaime Lannister that was in Downton Abbey, which I hear is popular) as Hutch rounding out the last of the group. The was directed by a seemingly up and coming director in David Bruckner who previously worked on segments for the anthology films Southbound and V/H/S and previously directed a film called SiREN which I haven't seen but is supposed to be solid.

It's a pretty good premise, this movie. I liked the way the movie flowed as you go farther and farther from where you'd think this movie would take you. At first it seems like an isolated in the woods movie. Then a cult movie. Then a Predator type movie. Then a torture porn type movie. And, finally, an insanely cool monster movie... And all of it worked. Plus the monster looks and is amazing. More on that later as it is definitely the MVP of the flick.

Best quote of the movie comes from good old worthless Dom. Early in the movie when one of the dudes wants to take a shortcut, he says "My old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'." Words to live by right there.

All the kills are more or less the same. Only difference is that in some of them we see the creature and in others we don't. Best of these, I'd say, is probably the one we see full frontal at the end when the village is burning down. Luke, having escaped and set fire to everything, including these little human avatar things in the attic that are unexplained and creepy as shit, watches it from afar. This lady bows down to worship the god, an act that usually saves them, but in this case the demigod lifts the her up with his little arms and gently impales her on a tree and we see it. All it's terrifying and awful glory.

Favorite scene of the movie is at the very end when survivor dude Luke is out in the woods with the monster. The monster, actually half Norse god, is keeps trying to force Luke to worship him which is a bit petty for a god but whatever. It keeps forcing him down on his hands and knees but Luke keeps getting up and fighting it which is pretty much suicidal. This keeps happening until Luke gets a weapon, an ax, and attacks the thing, pissing it off. But it buys him enough time to separate himself from the god and gets to the outskirt of the forest which the god cannot cross into. Luke, triumphant after just besting a fucking god, is fucking amped. Screaming at it all like fuck yeah. After all the shit he has been through it is pretty satisfying, intense scene.

MVP is 100%, as stated, the monster which is not a monster at all but the child of Norse mythological's Loki. First decent look we get at the thing is when the insufferable Dom is tied up, on a stake as an offering to the demigod, and he has a vision that his wife has come up to the camp looking for him. He is all, "what the hell" and she is sweet to him and stuff. But then, suddenly, it's not the wife but this truly horrifying thing (we don't get 100% clean shot here yet). And it does the thing and that's the end of Dom. It is creepy as shit, Dom is tied up on the little stake thing, thinking he is fucked with all the village people down in a prayer type position. He is simultaneously incredulous and terrified when suddenly his wife shows up. He relaxes and is like, "what are you doing here?" She grabs his face and acts sort of sweet to him when he sees that this is actually the monster or whatever and starts screaming. It is fucked and terrifying. It then picks him up and kills him. Picking him up and impaling him on a tree. And we still don't know what the fuck.

If you want a solid explanation of the mythology behind the demigod, this Forbes article is pretty thorough. Below is probably the most pertinent section:  

Characters in Norse mythology tend to shapeshift with alarming frequency, and the only defining trait of the jötunn seems to be that they are enemies of the gods. But not always. 

Either way, the beast is also described as the spawn of Loki, which is interesting in itself, as the Loki in Norse mythology is way more intense than Tom Hiddleston. The real Loki is completely chaotic - a malicious, mischievous, shape-shifting trickster who sometimes plays the hero, often the villain, and usually, is just messing with the nature of reality. 

Loki fathered a menagerie of nightmarish creatures - his children include Fenrir, the monstrous wolf that is destined to devour Odin during the apocalyptic battle of Ragnarok, Hel, the half-rotting goddess of the Underworld, and Jormungand, the Midgard Serpent, which is long enough to wrap itself around the world and bite its own tail.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is the greatest film of all time

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is total trash but a great late-night flick perfect for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and USA Up All Night. They don't make them like this anymore. Cheaply made dumb horror comedies done by directors with enough know how to crank it out and keep it fun with crazy kills and lots of nudity. This was director David DeCoteau's specialty as he did it close to 150 times with his most recent flick coming in 2016. This is his first of several featuring scream queens Michelle Bauer, Linnea Quigley, and Brinke Stevens. One such flick, Nightmare Sisters, was filmed in the four days following this one, another testament to DeCoteau's. Have two and a half weeks to film a B-movie. Do it in 12 days under budget with a some extra film in the can. Might as well crank another out. Two movies in 16 days. Crazy. Fuck it, right? DeCoteau was one of many proteges of the great Roger Corman who perfected the art of cranking out serviceable low budget flicks. Maybe not as successful as others to come out of the Corman school, directors like James Cameron, Francis Ford Coppola, Jonathan Demme, Ron Howard, or Martin Scorsese, but hey, DeCoteau has more film credits than all of them combined, which is insane.

This dipshit

Anywho, This also marks the third Linnea Quigley movie I've written about. The first two being classics in Night of the Demons and Return of the Living Dead. I, personally, don't see the big deal. She does seem pretty cool and all but not what I'd call attractive in any way. I guess that must be it, being a bad, cool chick. Regardless, this movie. Fun AF. Greatest film of all time.

Pros: Well made for what it is. Lots of nudity (though it's probably not nudity you'll really want to see). While not the greatest looking kills, they are pretty amusing. Super fun though not what I would call funny.

Cons: Sexual misconduct is treated pretty lightly (the dudes break into the sorority, do an insane amount of peeping, and sort of joke about maybe committing rape). The monster looks like trash and is a totally racist stereotype for no reason. Decent amount of stuff that happens goes nowhere and happens for no reason (specifically thinking of a scene where a chick that has been turned into a demon with all this shit coming off her face tries to put on makeup but there are plenty more). Acting isn't great but what do you expect.

Here's the gist... Three bored frat bros peep on a sorority ritual that involves 20 minutes of paddling, spraying their two pledges down with whipped cream, and then sexy showering. Once they are inevitably caught by the head mistress or whatever the the president of a sorority is called, this sorority has three members and two pledges by the way, they make the pledges and the frat bros, who just committed a sex crime, go out to the local bowling ally and steal a bowling trophy. With the fat one, who is extremely aggressive and disgusting, this is more or less like telling these chicks to go and get sexually assaulted. Once they have broken in and got what they came for, they drop the trophy when smoke and a demon comes out. The demon ends up being this ridiculous looking jive talking imp named Uncle Impy. Impy has the ability to grant wishes but these end up coming at the price of their lives and end up being bullshit anyway.

In addition to Bauer as Lisa, Quigley as Spider whom we meet when she is trying to rob the bowling ally which is both trashy and stupid considering there are cameras everywhere and probably no money in the register, and Stevens (the one with the eyebrows) as Taffy who gets pulled apart like her namesake, the movie stars Carla Baron as Frankie (whom I think is the one that turns into the Bride of Frankenstein and looks like Alison Brie in Glow) and Kathi O'Brecht as Rhonda who are pretty much interchangeable, Hal Havins whose the fat, disgusting one that was also the fat, disgusting prick in Night of the Demons as Jimmie, Andras Jones as survivor dude Calvin, the late Robin Rochelle as head of the sorority Babs, and John Stuart Wildman who gets it on with Bauer who reminds me of Brett Kavanaugh since they both have the same shitty hair and also like to commit sexual assault plays Keith. The guy who plays Uncle Impy, a guy named Michael Sonye, goes by the stage name of Dukey Flyswatter. Dude is indeed Caucasian and was in several cult classics including Surf Nazis Must Die. The demon, which is pretty unnecessarily racist, talks hella shit and sounds like the Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas or the flytrap in Little Shot of Horrors the musical.

Best line of the movie comes from the janitor, played by George "Buck" Flower. You might recognize him from the role of drunk homeless man in every John Carpenter film from the 1980s or from Back to the Future from the role of drunk homeless man where he says the memorable line "crazy drunk driver" or from Wishmaster where he plays a homeless man. He was basically always a homeless man. In this flick though he at least has a job and ends up being an Imp expert as he was the one that trapped in the bowling trophy and such. Anyway, his line is "Demons munching your friends? I gotta tell you both, kids, drugs are not the answer."

None of the kills are all that great but the one where the chick with the welty demon gets bowled to death, basically they roll the ball down the lane into her face, is alright though you know it's coming. The one chick named Taffy is pulled apart like the candy but you don't see anything. I do like the idea of ironic punishment though. Sort of thought the one dude who wishes for Bauer to do him would get liked boned to death or whatever but that doesn't happen. He eventually realizes what a fucked up situation this is, like slipping a chick a ruffie or something, and tries to shut it down but the chick is super persistent... Yeah, I'm pretty sure they did it, unfortunately. Maybe an appropriate outcome would have been him going to jail and justice getting served and what not, but instead a chick come and fries his face.

Best scene is the one where the demon chicks kill the fat frat guy, Jimmie, by decapitating him somehow with an ice machine. The demon chick then takes his head and obligatorily rolls it down the bowling lane. We get some pretty sweet commentary from Uncle Impy here. When the chicks goes to roll his head, he says "she steps up, she wriggles her fanny," and then when bowls is all, "it could be a strike," and I feel that most directors or whatever would have her roll a strike. But DeCoteau ain't got the time or film for that and we get the head bouncing and rolling halfway down the lane before getting caught in the gutter.

MVP of the movie is Linnea Quigley. I mean she is way over-the-top like you'd expect but she manages to go a whole movie without getting neked and is sort of bad ass. She kills the demons, traps Uncle Impy, and has a couple three solid one-liners. Stuff like "It's too bad we had to kill her. I really liked the outfit she had on." That when kills the one that looks like the Bride of Frankenstein. Then there is this touching little exchange: Spider: "What is this, Midnight Wimp Bowling League?" Taffy: "Who are you? The Bride of Dracula?" Spider: "Oooo. Jump back. Prom queen on the loose. Or is it high school hookers?" Overall it was a pretty serviceable performance by Quigley. And she takes the nerd she saves home with her to go to the bone zone and what not.

Watched this as part of Joe Bob Briggs's new show The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs where he introduces said movies, gives the infamous "Drive-In Totals" where in he gives a ridiculous rundown of the movie, and pops in in the middle to talk some shit. This was his shtick on MonsterVision which I was completely obsessed with as a kid and am thrilled is back. This was the perfect film to start with and is definitely right up his alley. Greatest film of all time.

Hereditary is the greatest movie of all time

Hereditary. Man, this sure goes to some unexpected places. This is a new movie and there will be massive spoilers so don't fucking give me any shit if you read on. It rarely happens but still. So, anyway, yeah, weird. Was one of four people in the theater. The other three, a little family consisting of middle-aged couple and a high school (ish) daughter, were like, "uh, well, what did you think of that? Really something, huh?" Yeah, that sentiment, I'd say that pretty much summed it up.  I can totally see why critics love it and audiences hate it. So if you liked that movie The Witch that came out a couple of years ago and that everyone is comparing this to, you'll probably like this in that it was a lot of "what the hell is happening" followed by an "oh my god it's over." Yeah, they are both very much those critics A-, audience D movies, if you know what I mean. An extremely disturbing ending will do that for you. So, if you liked that other movie or movies that have endings that are super fucked, then I've got something for you over here... Hereditary is the greatest movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Hereditary uses its classic setup as the framework for a harrowing, uncommonly unsettling horror film whose cold touch lingers long beyond the closing credits.

Pros: Ending is super out there. Toni Collette is a hell of an actress. Does a pretty good job of insane. A lot of detail to make the reveal believable (much like Get Out). A slow burn that builds to insanity.

Cons: Not all of it holds up under any sort of scrutiny. Little too over-the-top.

Here we go. Movie opens with the death of grandma Ellen. Her daughter, Annie played by Toni Collette, and the grieving family begin having strange occurrences having to do with their shared ancestry that becomes increasingly horrible as per use in the horror genre. Early on we lose one of the two children when son Peter, played by Alex Wolff from Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, gets baked at a party and his little sister Charlie, played by Milly Shapiro, eats a piece of nut cake despite her nut allergy and the brother decapitates her in a freak accident while driving her to the hospital (I'll get into this later). From there we get seances and possession and hauntings and crazy people and all that fun stuff. It is a pretty standard horror movie you've seen 100 times for the first three-fourths of the movie. Then shit gets cray. This is a motherfucker of a beast of a domestic breakdown flick. It is writer/director Ari Aster's first feature film. It also stars Gabriel Byrne as the dad and Ann Dowd as the creepy-ass "friend" Joanie.

While Hereditary is most compared to The Witch, I thought it more in tune with the mumblegore film (movies with naturalistic acting and often improvised dialogue, low-budget film production, and a focus on the personal relationships)--which, to be clear, this film is not--is House of the Devil. That film, set in the '80s during the "satanic panic", was directed by one Ti West who is a genius, and deals with a broke college girl that babysits for a strange couple in an old house. When she gets there, the home owner informs her that it is not their child that she will be watching but his ailing mom. As the story goes on, she starts uncovering weirder and weirder happenings revolving around a cult bent on ushering in the antichrist. Like that film, this is a slow burn that gets more fucked as shit goes down, ultimately building into one hell of a crazy ass conclusion.

Joanie. Huge bitch

The breakout star of this flick is 100% Toni Collette who is just incredible. She was totally unhinged and insane with grief. Two scenes that really did it for me were the one where Joanie is trying to tell her about how she conjured up the spirits of her dead son/grandson. There is this crazy desperation to the scene with Joanie pawing at her and her resisting the whole thing as nonsense. It is obviously too much for her and she doesn't know how to handle it. She then turns around and does this same shit to her family much to her husband and son's annoyances. The next scene that really shows off her chops comes at the end when she is just fucking devastated. She is completely leveled in a truly horrible way. It is uncomfortable as fuck to watch but is an undeniably great performance.

This is a flick that requires a lot of attention, likely a second viewing. So basically the whole movie revolves around this body snatching, demon worshiping cult that has maybe already put the demon's consciousness in the girl (it is somewhat unclear if the demon has fully manifested in the girl as it prefers male hosts). Everyone in this world seems to be in on it and everything that goes down was all according to plan (no matter how outlandish). Regardless of if Charlie was always possessed or not, the demon needs a male host. The grandmother tried this once before as Annie, the mom, explains her brother committed suicide because he believed that their mother was trying to put people inside of him. We see that she was basically always willing to sacrifice her family for this cause and even went so far as to Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradling her granddaughter (i.e. breastfeeding her). With me so far? Probably not. I too was lost.

"It's alright, bra. She'll shake it off. She's a rock."

As this was not a super clean movie, there were so many things that confused me. So my questions are why did Gabriel Byrne catch fire instead of the mom? Who possessed the mom when she cut her own head off? Was this like an Oedipus type of fucked situation that caused instant insanity? Why did the demon baby need to be a boy exactly? Is the boy like in the sunken place forever? Or will splashing with water wake him up as it did when Annie was possessed. Also, why go about possessing the daughter in the first place? Why not perform the ritual on the boy when he is like a toddler or something. The movie definitely requires multiple viewings but I'll be damned if I ever watch that shit again.

I was able to answer one glaring plot hole through a bit of research which I guess makes it not a plot hole, technically. This was from the scene where the girl, who was maybe a demon already, ate a piece of cake with nuts in it and her brother takes her to the hospital but gets into an accident and decapitates her instead (he drives home and goes to bed in shock after this takes place by the way, leaving her head on the side of the road). The issue was if the cult was just like hoping the little girl would die or if they forced that to happen in some way.  Apparently when the decapitated head shot pans up, that one Paimon symbol that everyone wheres is on the pole. The shock of that scene was fucking terrible and insane. It sort of makes you sick to your stomach. Holy fuck, man. That is basically the holy movie. Great but not one to watch more than once.