Season of the Witch (1972) is the worst movie of all time

Your own goddamned daughter, balled in the next room and you go with it. Not to be confused with the Nicholas Cage movie from 2011. I'm talking about the 1972 George A. Romero movie. At 11% on Rotten Tomato, I am sure the Nick Cage (I'm definitely a huge fan of his) movie is more watchable. 

Found this on the Criterion Channel. Romero feminist movie. Sign me up. But this ended up really not being my cup of tea. The movie is a complete mess. It goes off the rails in the first minute of the movie and never recovers. 

The gist of this film is that a neglected, unhappy housewife out of suburban Pittsburgh with gets involved in witchcraft, has an affair with this piece of shit professor that is boning her teenage daughter, and maybe accidentally on purpose kills her abusive husband. I've heard it described as a porno without the nudity or hardcore. It's of that quality, I guess.

The lead actress, one Jan White, is pretty good for an amateur. I'd give her the MVP for sure. This is more or less a film for Romero completists only, though the film was more or less taken from him by the producers. Really not worth watching, in my opinion, though it is a Criterion Collection movie, for god knows what reason. 

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein is the greatest movie of all time

I know there's no such person as Dracula. You know there's no such person as Dracula. But does Dracula know it? Pretty fun flick. Costello, the short one, is more than a little irritating and the ending is anticlimactic, but it's funny even now and has serious nostalgia for moi. Saw this as a child with my grandma, miss her. Turned me onto it after we watched Monster Squad together. Good companion movies. Both are solid intros to the Universal monsters and are what I'd call gateway horror. Also, super kid-friendly. 

Cast is what you think it is with one exception. You have Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. They are their normal personas. Lon Chaney Jr. is the Wolf Man and Bela Lugosi is Dracula. Lugosi is apparently smacked out his mind by this point of his life. Frankenstein's Monster I always thought was Boris Karloff but it's some look-a-like named Glenn Strange. There are also a couple of chicks and a pretty boy, none of whom I recognize, that play central parts. Oh, and Vincent Price is sort in like 10-seconds of the movie. He's the uncredited voice of the Invisible Man. 

Gist of the movie is that Abbott and Costello deliver wax monsters figures (Frankenstein's monster and Dracula) to a wax museum. However, the monsters come alive and take off. The Wolf Man is onto this shit though tries to warn these idiots. Costello sees the shit go down but can't convince Abbott. Also, Costello is trying to slay two chicks at the same time, I'm pretty sure. They are into him, but he's a moron. The fact that he is so dumb makes Dracula want to use his brain for Frankenstein monster's body so he can control it. Seems like something of a Get Out situation. It doesn't really hold up under scrutiny, but, again, fun. 

MVP of the flick is totally Abbott. His straight man schtick makes the movie and the duo, in my opinion. His deadpan, don't have time for this nonsense is tits. He does the funniest straight man of all time while Costello is out there trying to play hero ball. 

Villains is the greatest movie of all time

"You know what I think the most telling thing about you is? It's the little girl you have chained in the basement." Really solid movie. Gist is a couple that robs houses and gas stations for a living have car trouble whilst on the run from the law and break into a house where they find a chained up little girl. Too fucked for even criminals to ignore, they try to decide what to do when the homeowners show up and shit goes down. This movie is pretty fucking dark but has its humorous moments. Mostly just from the quippy dialogue. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Led by a quartet of strong performances, Villains offers genre fans a delightfully dark thriller with a sharp comic streak.

There are less than 10 people in the movie but really it's mostly the two couples that make up pretty much the whole movie. They are Bill Skarsgård (Pennywise from It Chapter One and It Chapter Two), Maika Monroe whom you may recall from It Follows or The Guest, Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, and Kyra Sedgwick from Singles and The Closer. Sedgwick is also married to Kevin Bacon. 

All of the performances are stellar, but Donovan is on another level. He is throwing 100 miles per hour. I can't believe this guy isn't a bigger star. He's totally the MVP with his over-the-top performance. 

31 is the greatest movie of all time

"You diggin' what you see, pops?" "I reckon I do!" Not too shabby. One of my favorite Rob Zombie movies. Cool premise. Ticks off a few boxes for me. Interesting/creepy locale (a funhouse of murder). Cast I'm pretty into. Period piece from the 1970s. Fast-paced and over-the-top. Still a little bleak for my taste though. 

Gist is that a bunch of carnies are kidnapped and forced to fight a bunch of psycho clowns in a fucked up funhouse. This is part of a game where they have to survive for 12 hours and then are theoretically free to go. No one has ever survived the 12 hours though. 

Movie stars Sheri Moon Zombie, a real beauty. Plus she and Rob are vegan. Scores them major cool points, obviously. Jeff Daniel Phillips who I mostly know from other Rob Zombie movies. Was also in Zodiac, briefly, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and he was one of the GEICO cavemen (the one that ordered the roast duck). Meg Foster, she was in two of my all-time favorite cult classics, Blind Fury, and They Live. Richard Brake. Think of him as The Chemist from Mandy. 

Ger

Others you'll recognize include Malcolm McDowell, from, you know, A Clockwork Orange. Elizabeth Daily who was Dottie in Pee-wee's Big Adventure. She aged remarkably well. Miller from Repo Man (Tracey Walter) has a brief cameo. Also recognize the character Death-Head from the most overrated movie of all-time, The Big Lebowski. He's one of the Nihilists. 

Get a little of that insane Rob Zombie dialogue, but it's played down from say Halloween when the family just cusses at each other and talk about their genitals in the most disgusting way possible. You know, just like your family does. But, yeah, toned down. Do get a group of ladies saying "Sucky, sucky, sucky. Fucky, fucky, fucky. Juicy, juicy, juicy. Money, money, money," while gesturing toward their crotches. 

MVP of the movie is Brake. Basically is a more deranged version of The Chemist, but he's on point with that type of role. Or as his character, Doom-Head, says, "What I do? Unfortunately for you, I do real well!" Does have some insane lines he gets to give, "Now, you may think you see a grease-painted performer sitting before you. But trust me - I'm not here to brighten your dismal day; I am here to end your miserable life." So, yeah, insane movie. But fun in the end. Good late summer, early fall flick. Check that shit out. 

House II: The Second Story is the worst movie of all time

"Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something." Purty much. Gist is the house from House has been reinherited by someone else now which doesn't make sense but none of that shit matters, plus the house rules don't matter anyway. Instead of a home that plays off the fears of the occupants that creates a sort of personalized hell, now we have giant Aztecs running around with mythical creatures and reanimated corpses. Um, ok. And everyone is going after a crystal skull with magical powers. Crystal fucking skulls, the bain of my existence. 

Few people you may recognize. First, there is Bill Maher. His character is supposed to be a real buzzkill, I think, but comes off as pretty reasonable and sort of a good guy. You see, he tells the protagonist's GF that the dude (protagonist/the owner of the house) was making out with his ex at this Halloween party they are hosting. She and Bill Maher leave and are never seen again. That would normally make them the MVPs; however, that cute-ass little glowworm dog that looks sort of like a Boston is the real MVP. Lar Park Lincoln, who plays the GF, who was the psychic chick from Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, John Ratzenberger aka Cliff from Cheers, the judge from Twin Peaks, and the familiar from Fright Night are the only others you'll recognize. 

Overall, a big yeesh. I remember this movie being not great but fun. It was not fun and was in fact garbage. At least you don't have to watch the first one to get the gist. But, trust, hard pass on this flick unless you are some kind of Bill Maher completist, in which case, god help you. 

Maniac is the greatest movie of all time

Maniac. "You wanna meet me someplace?" "Where?" "The back seat," Disco Boy, played by Tom Savini, says from the front seat of the car. My grandpa told my dad to never let me watch two movies,   knowing the type of kid I was, The Fly and Maniac. I was five and all. But my grandpa worked nights, and the next time I spent the night with my grandparents immediately told my grandma I wanted to see The Fly. She encouraged my watching crazy shit at a very young age. But I never got around to Maniac. I think I'm pretty glad I indeed waited 33 years to watch this. I fucking hated it and found it extremely disturbing. But I recognize it was quality. Greatest movie of all time.

Gist of the movie is a very sad, completely antisocial psychopath, one Frank Zito, played by Joe Spinell, murders a shitton of women in New York City, stealing their scalps as his trophy. Only reason I watched it was because it was Joe Bob Brigg's Last Drive-In with Tom Savini as a special guest. Otherwise, probably would have turned it off after the first 10 minutes. There is a fucking brutal garrotting with piano wire in the opening scene that doesn't bode well. Then we hear the killer drone on in his antisocial way, frequently brutally killing women and gruesomely slicing off their scalps. And I'm checking out. Tom Savini's head exploding scene is fucking incredible, though. Like Scanners except better. Warning, this shit ain't fucking around.

Directed by one William Lustig, the film was released in 1980. Got remade in 2012 with Elijah Wood as the killer, which is weird and something I'll never watch. Most the women in the 1980 version of the movie were porn actresses, including one Sharon Mitchell who seems to be have done some good since leaving porn, check out this NSFW link, or maybe not. Only person I recognized besides Savini was actress Caroline Munro. She plays this fashion photographer that killer dude is obsessed with but doesn't try to kill until late and she fucks him up. She was in the infamous Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter and The Spy Who Loved Me. She's a pretty lady. I think she can do better. Also, I'm gonna need to go through the Bond flicks at some point here.

Hard to say who won this among Lustig, Spinell who stared in and co-writer of the film with one C. A. Rosenberg, or Savini for doing what he does. Lustig puts it all together, and Savini made his own head realistically explode. But I've got to give it to Spinell for writing it and his acting. I mean, this is Last Podcast on the Left shit. I was really disturbed through the whole movie. This was legit what I'd imagine a real psycho's day-to-day to be like. It really ain't pleasant.

MacGruber is the greatest movie of all time

MacGruber. Dead at the age of who the fuck cares. I'm a little embarrassed at how much I laughed at this movie. I was a little fucked up and this really got me laughing. A few times. Him boning his ghost wife in the graveyard and getting a view of what another in the graveyard sees, him humping the air like a maniac in front of a tombstone, that shit was funny. Movie, however, was not well received by critics. But what the hell do they know. Multiple LOL causing scenes. Not often a comedy gets one genuine one. What more could I ask for? Greatest movie of all time. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It too often mistakes shock value for real humor, but MacGruber is better than many SNL films -- and better than it probably should be.

One of the better SNL skits turned movies. Gist of this flick is that MacGruber, a former Navy SEAL/Army Ranger/Green Beret and recipient of 16 Purple Hearts, goes back to work for the US Military to stop his nemesis, Dieter Von Cunth, who is planning on detonating a nuclear warhead at the State of the Union. MacGruber fucking hates Cunth for killing his soon to be wife at their wedding as they are exchanging vows. He teams up with a first-year with no combat experience, played by Ryan Phillippe, and his dead fiancee's best friend, played by Kristen Wiig. 

Staring in this movie are is Will Forte as MacGruber. Wiig as work partner and love interest Vicki St. Elmo, MacGruber's. Maya Rudolph as the dead fiancee. A shitton of wrestlers: The Big Show, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Kane, and MVP.  Powers Booth whom I mostly think of as Senator Roark from Sin City and the sequel--he plays the army guy that recruits MacGruber. And Val Kilmer plays the heavy, Cunth, but I'm just going to call him Val Kilmer. It was directed by one Jorma Taccone of the comedy trio The Lonely Island. 

Basically going to try to explain why this shit is funny, which is always a tall order. Just know that it's basically Will Forte throwing 100 miles an hour for two hours. Example, throughout the movie, MacGruber tells like eight to ten dudes that he is going to rip their dicks off and feed it to them. Eventually, Val Kilmer calls him out on it and MacGruber is like well, I've got a killer line I'm going to say to you! At the end, during their final showdown after Kilmer has survived an explosion that resulted in excessive burning, Kilmer is all giddy, telling him to say the line to him. MacGruber says "how's your dick taste while reaching for it in the guy's pants. No dick. "Haha. It got burned off in the explosion." This causes MacGruber to go into a blind rage and do this: 

Then there is this little ditty of an exchange that had me fucking dying. 

Piper: Why did he do it, why did Cunth kill your wife?    

MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea.    

We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. After graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man, and right about that time I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to uh, let eat out my butt.    

Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me, she was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it obviously, so we could start fresh, and she agreed.    

We were so in love. He took that from me.    

Piper: That's really fucked up.    

MacGruber: Thanks.

I couldn't stop laughing through this shit. Anyway, though Forte was fucking insane, I thought that Wiig won the movie. That chick is so great in everything and always steals the show. Not quite on the level of Kate McKinnon, who I think is maybe the funniest SNL cast member of all time, but she is always great. Perfect in this. And her and Forte obviously have comedic rapport. 

Side note. There is a scene where Wiig dresses up like MacGruber to act as a decoy in a Starbucks. He makes her order his drink, he's all about that Tazo Tea, and when she drops the change in the tip jar, he tells her through her ear piece to fish it out, he would never tip. They then meet back up both dressed as MacGruber. This would be a dope couple Halloween costume. I think that is what I and my female companion may go as this year.

Fido is the greatest movie of all time

Fido. I'd say I'm a pretty darn good father. My father tried to eat me, I don't remember trying to eat Timmy... I knew you wouldn't eat me, boy! Expected this movie to be terrible. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. Think Lassie, except if Lassie were a zombie. Had to be the pitch for this. "Go get help, boy!" as his bullies turned zombies reanimate while he is tied up. "Is Timmy in trouble boy?" his mom asks when Fido gets to the house. Shit is genius.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Making the most of its thin premise, Fido is an occasionally touching satire that provides big laughs and enough blood and guts to please gorehounds.

Carrie-Ann Moss, a pretty lady

Gist of the movie is radiation turns all the dead people into zombies. Seems to be in the same universe as Night of the Living Dead. Show clips from it in news reels. Seen that flick probably in the 10-15 time range. I know footage of that when I see it. Everything else is 1950s Americana. Anyway, in this universe they have figured out a way to control zombies via a shock collar that also has mind-control capabilities. Now, the zombies are more or less slaves, doing menial labor. Some of them are also kept pets that do house chores... Some people even bone them. Which was pretty gross and sad. Then sort of touching. But then you realize that they are pretty dumb and definitely in this against their will. So there is that, which I don't recommend dwelling on, as I am, obviously.

BUT! A suprisingly moving and touching movie. Lot of pain, these people are carrying. Might be the whole being locked down and what not. But I feel your pain, movie people.

The kid who plays Timmy, as in Timmy and Lassie, is some kid I've never seen named Kesun Loder. Things haven't gone well for him since this movie came out. He also now goes by K’Sun Ray, which is dubious, at best.

His mom is played by Carrie-Anne Moss, whom I'm extremely attracted to, especially in Momento. Meow. Fido is played by one Billy Connolly. I think I recognize him from the Hobbitt movies, but I'm not sure. Other people you'd know are Dylan Baker who always seems to play a child molester or a bitch, Henry Czerny (total that guy), and Tim Blake Nelson. TBN is always great. He's the "Gofer Everet" guy from Oh Brother Where Art Thou? He is the guy having sex with a young zombie who died of a brain aneurysm. Jesus, man. But luckily this behavior is pretty much seen as socially unacceptable, and not that widespread. Though there was a moment I thought CAM was maybe going to ride Fido, which doesn't happen, thankfully.

Winning the movie is the guy who plays Fido. That guy has to be perfect for this to work. Emotive AF while also making you think he would probably eat another boy's face off. No universe does he not win this shit.

Downtown 81 is the okayest movie of all time

Downtown 81. I'm an artist. When you tell people that they usually say, 'what's your medium?' I usually say, 'extra large.' It held my attention, but I was disappointed that it did when it was over. Nothing really happens other than a bunch of people play music and Jean-Michel Basquiat walks around early 80s New York and hangs out with interesting people as he was want to do.

Homeless leper Debbie Harry

There was a point in this movie where I thought this was the worst soundtrack of any movie ever. This is likely a controversial statement, as I imagine there are people out there that think it is the best. A snapshot of post-punk era Manhattan. Yeah, I hear ya. I don't really know anything about any of that. Blondie, I know her. Early in the film there is this band who's lead singer/guitarist I wanted to stab. The band, prep punk singer/guitarist who may have never sung or played guitar before this performace, a pretty Japanese woman who was getting it on the drums that spoke no English, and a bassist that was speaking Spanish and went between playing his instrument and mashing it at random. They weren't playing bad music with charm. It was half good music with experimentally bad music playing on top of it. I fucking hate that shit. Band called James White and the Blacks. Sort of the same shit. The Blacks, I dug. James White, taking a sax into the crowd and playing in people's faces, can go fuck himself too. But there were some performances I really dug. Kid Creole and the Coconuts turned this whole ship around. Like the ska B-52s. Check out their shit. For real, it's dope. 

The gist of the movie is Jean-Michel Basquiat gets out of the hospital. Not told what for. Gets evicted. Meets a chick. Falls in love. Looks around for her whilst trying to sell a painting. Band he's in gets robbed. Goes to various clubs. Sees the chick he was in love with and she is bouncing around said clubs, maybe ignoring him as he follows her from a distance. She doesn't live up to his expectations so he blows her off even though he needs a place to stay, with him being newly homeless and all. But he walks around an ally, sees a homeless and gross Debbie Harry. She tells him she is a fairy godmother and will grant all his wishes if he makes out with her. She is done up like a homeless leper so he isn't super into it but does. She turns into Blondie and gives him a suitcase full of money. The fucking end. Fab 5 Freddy also has a cameo. Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly. DJ spinning I said 'My My.'

Jean-Michel Basquiat wins the movie. Hell of an actor, that guy. Can also paint. Not that great of a drawer or poet though. 

Cookie's Fortune is the worst movie of all time

Cookie's Fortune. Nobody in this family commits suicide. Suicide is a disgrace. Only crazy people commit suicide. Man, this movie is a bunch of bullshit. Hey, quick thought, can this movie use the word "cookie" a few more times? That would just really touch me.

Robert Altman movie. He of the M*A*S*H*, The Long Goodbye, and Nashville fame. Second of his movie's I've watched this week. Gosford Park, the first, was sort of meh. Gave it the greatest of all time, but I think that was bullshit. It was a garbled mess. This is so much worse. I don't think I care for Robert Altman. RIP.

Congratulations

Solid cast includes Ned Beatty, Glenn Close (who I guess won the movie), Charles S. Dutton, Lyle Lovett, Julianne Moore, Niecy Nash from Reno 911, Patricia Neal, Chris O'Donnell, Liv Tyler, and Courtney B. Vance.

Gist of this movie is Cookie, who is this rich old senile broad played by Particia Neal, kills herself. Her sister, maybe (I'll get into that later), played by Glenn Close, and niece, Julianne Moore, find her, destroy evidence, and make it look like a murder. Charles S. Dutton gets blamed. Shit goes off the rails.

Man, I can't get over what a shitshow this turned into. After it gets wrapped up with Glenn Close getting charged with the murder because of a fuckton of physical evidence she leaves behind, they drop this bombshell that would have ruined a better movie. As this was already shit, it made my head throb. Basically, the end becomes this fucking mess of a garbled family tree out of nowhere for no fucking reason. The whole movie, Glenn Close is Julianne Moore's mother who is Liv Tyler's mother. Then, they get some complicated blood evidence and, like, I thought it meant that either Glenn Close was Liv Tyler's mom or Patricia Neal. But I have no idea because Liv Tyler starts saying stuff like "my daddy is my uncle, my sister is my aunt, my daughter is my sister, my momma is god knows who." It's the end of the movie, what are we doing here? Let's make everyone question who they are related to in the most confusing way right here before rolling credits. What the fuck is happening? I don't know who shat who out, and I'm not sure most the characters know either.

Lot of bullshit with this movie. Julianne Moore's character is real dumb. Like practically drooling dumb. But she is the star of this play within the movie (Oscar Wilde's "Salome") and is this amazing actress. No one comments on how dissonent this is so I'm guessing that it is just Julianne Moore going for it and being sort of out of character. Also, everybody pretty much knows that Patricia Neal committed suicide, but Moore and Close couldn't get their stories straight, so the law is like, ha, you dumb bitch, you are fucked now. So basically, everyone is just okay with Glenn Close wrongly going away for murder, and they know it. I mean, she is terrible. But so is this movie.