Longlegs - Cage at his Cagiest in this artsy fartsy crap

Longlegs - Oz Perkins - 2024

★★-Critics gushed over this? Not as high on it as everyone else. Thought it way overhyped, overrated, and completely aimless. Yeah, I hated it. Never found it remotely scary, more just cringeworthy. 
 
First, this is Nicolas Cage unleashed. Every time he was on screen there was a considerable amount of sighing and laughing. His performance is way out there. Saw this more or less getting universal praise, which is incredible. 
 
The protagonist, FBI Agent Lee Harker played by Maika Monroe, is maybe psychic with a touch of the tism. All that goes nowhere. Sort of like a frumpier Clarice Starling. Monroe is sort of second banana to Mia Goth when it comes to horror it girls. Done some great work as the leads in The Guest, It Follows, Villains, and Watcher,among others. This was my least favorite of her performances to date. 
 
Her mother is played by Alicia Witt. She is pretty out there as well. Her house looks like all the hoarders I’ve ever known. Mostly think of her from her roles in Urban Legend, Cecil B. Demented, Vanilla Sky, and one episode of The Sopranos. Was just wondering whatever happened to her. Doing shit like this, apparently.  
 

The look on my face every time Cage was on screen

Only other person I recognized was the Jack Crawford type, one Blair Underwood, who was the castrated killer guy in Just Cause, which was a great small town murder mystery from the mid-1990s, when this movie takes place. You might also remember him from LA Law or the sci-fi show The Event from a little over a decade ago. It was sort of one of those Lost/24 hybrids that were all the rage back then. He, too, is awful in this movie. 
 
The movie had phenomenal marketing. The trailer made it look like it was going to be amazing. Creep and dread I expected to be top tier, but no. Got a weird, dream-logic flick. 
 
It did look great. Cinematography was the one thing I can praise. Looked like a Fincher film, but was indeed garbage. Basically artsy crap. 
 
Other major problems I had with the movie: It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s slow and confusing. Felt way longer than an hour and 40 minutes, never a good sign. There was also sort of a compelling murder mystery in there. But good luck following all the literal puzzles involved. Technically great, but no substance. Again, hated it. Do not recommend.

30 Days of Night: A vampire's wet dream

 30 Days of Night - David Slade - 2007

★★--Remember the trailer for this film being great. Produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert of Evil Dead fame. Execution wasn’t really there. Kind of glad I waited 17 years to watch it. 
 
Gist is an isolated Alaskan town that experiences a 30-day-long polar night gets overrun with vampires. Hate when that shit happens. Pretty smart of the vampires though. 
 
Director David Slade has mostly done TV including the first three episodes of American Gods (which where great) and several early episode of Hannibal (also great). He did do a few movies though, like Hardy Candy about a young girl that tortures a child rapist/murderer, it’s pretty decent, and one of the Twilight movies (never saw it). 
 
Stars Josh Hartnett whose career was screeching to a halt (my man is back now though), Melissa George (whom I mostly think of as the mother of the kid that get the slap in the show The Slap [both the American and the Australian version]), Danny Huston of the Huston clan, Ben Foster who was who is always solid and is married to my former queen Laura Prepon,  and Mark Boone Junior, who always plays a crazy guy. Personally think of him as the pizza stealing FBI guy in Se7en. He is in most of Fincher’s movies though. 
 
Fantastic premise—vampires in Alaska during the longest period of darkness—but sort of waste it on non-traditional vampires. Should have stuck with the classic variety. These vampires have pointy shark teeth, have a military-based hierarchy, speak Aramaic or some other weird shit (Romulan, maybe), have a feral quality to them, but look and dress like Danny Huston. These are not fucking vampires. 
 
Early in the movie have an awkward Chekhov's scrap metal pulverizer. Speaking of, get a lot of gore, if you are into that thing. Decapitation is the preferred vampire killing method of this movie. Usually with an axe. Sometimes a shotgun. 
 
Again, it’s not the best, but the premise makes up for a lot. However, never lives up to its potential. Josh Hartnett is alright. Ben Foster is really good but not in the movie for very long. Huston is wasted. The end is lame. It also had potential. Overall, just sort of meh. 

Play Misty for Me: A Cautionary Tale of Sticking Your Dick in Crazy in Clint Eastwood's Directorial Debut

Play Misty for Me - Clint Eastwood - 1971  

 

★★★ - “I did it because I LOVE YOU!” Terrifying shit. What I call “Dude doesn’t know crazy pussy” movies. Pretty good, though not a sensitive portrayal of mental illness. Nor does it pass the Bechtel Test. But it’s fine. Not trying to be a nuanced exploration of mental health. It's a horror movie, and it does that job pretty well. 

The film stars Clint Eastwood, in his directorial debut, who plays a character that's too horny and dumb to survive in society. He's the kind of guy who sleeps with a woman who is stalking him. She does some creepy shit. Then she sleeps with him again. If you’ve ever fantasized about how to blow up your life spectacularly and then went through with it, you probably get what’s going on.  

Eastwood can’t leave it alone either. Blows off the chick he was into to canoodle his stalker. Keeps letting her into his life. Then she gets copies of his keys made, and shit really hits the fan.    

In one of my favorite scenes, two dudes see Eastwood and Lucille Bluth (Jessica Walter) fighting over his keys. They are like, “you okay lady?” and she loses her mind. They are like, “uh, that guy seems to be in enough trouble.” They see the crazy from a mile away, but this idiot, not so much.   

Fatal Attraction takes a lot of inspiration from this flick, another classic in the "fucking crazy pussy" genre. In both films, men aren’t so much oblivious to the clear signs of danger, they just don’t care. Testaments to the power of keeping your dick in your pants.   

In another cool, but gratuitous, scene, Eastwood, his main chick, her roommate, and some stoner work buddy go to the Monterey Jazz Festival which is awesome. Then we get a 70s cliché portrayal of a gay guy, which is less awesome. Eastwood's character tells him to "go cruise some sailors or something", to which he retorts something about hating seafood. Real nice. Not exactly a shining moment for representation.   

The violence in the film is intense and realistic. Been watching a lot of O.J. stuff. The idea of being attacked by someone with a knife is terrifying, and the film doesn't shy away from showing the brutality of it.    

Like when Walter slices the cleaning lady up for seeing her out of her fucking mind. Though it gets unrealistic, or some weird statement about the justice system from old right-wing Eastwood, when dude is at work and gets a call from Walter after she’s gotten out of the psych ward. He takes all this way too nonchalantly. Then he wakes up to her trying to stab him. But it’s cool as this guy takes stab wounds like a champ, which is also obviously not super realistic.   

In summary, if upon meeting a woman, she knows everything about you and tells you she loves you within a couple of minutes, don't fuck her.

Killers of the Flower Moon: Fucking White People - A Harrowing Tale of Greed and Racism

Killers of the Flower Moon - Martin Scorcese - 2023

Fucking white people. Based on a nonfiction book, which, fucking great.  

Gist is people of the Osage Nation discover oil on their Oklahoma land and make it rich. They are given money as part of a “headright.” Money for nothing, as the whites who move to the area say. The richest among these white folk hatches a plot to kill the Osage off, one by one. The law doesn’t care, with the sheriff basically telling him to quit making it so obvious. But the FBI comes to town and unearth all the bullshit. Real feel good Christmas watch, this one.  

De Niro’s character is the worst kind of racist. Acts like he is racially sympathetic and is meanwhile killing the Osage for money. Saying they are “getting money for doing nothing” behind their backs. The basic sentiment for people then and now, though inherited wealth (if you are white) is collectively fine.

Really important flick that is super infuriating. This would be my top film almost any other year. Might be after a few rewatches. I’m coming in fresh.  

Lily Gladstone is amazing and should and will win Best Actress. Love the reservation chic look, by the by. DiCaprio and De Niro are stellar as well, though they playing some real fuckers. Martin Scorses is still coming in hot after all these years. Masterful filmmaking.  

David Fincher's 'The Killer': An Existential Masterpiece in the Shadows of Noir

The Killer - David Fincher - 2023

David Fincher is my favorite filmmaker. Every time he makes a movie, it is a gift. This one, especially so. Earlier this year, I said that Oppenheimer was the best movie to come out in my lifetime. Well, it might be the best film of the year, but I'm pretty sure The Killer is my favorite. By the way, this surpasses 2007 as the best film year I've been cognizant of, and these two pictures give me a No Country for Old Men vs. There Will Be Blood vibe. Yeah, that movie that won all the awards was dope, but the other was the best movie of the decade. I'm going on record; it's the kind of film that gets the Academy's attention, doesn't win shit, then years later, everyone collectively realizes it's a classic. We shall see come awards season. 

Based on the French graphic novel series The Killer written by Alexis "Matz" Nolent and illustrated by Luc Jacamon. Stars Michael Fassbender as the hitman, also Arliss Howard (who I love), Charles Parnell, Kerry O'Malley, Sala Baker, Sophie Charlotte, and Tilda Swinton. This is the second of four movies Fincher is making for Netflix. The first was Mank, released in 2020. 

The gist: a hitman finds himself in some shit after botching a hit. He's now playing cat and mouse with his former bosses (and himself), who nearly killed his girlfriend trying to get to him. So "nothing like this can ever happen again," he goes on the offensive, globe-trotting, ducking in and out of shadows, insisting that what he's doing isn't personal. Yeah, sure. 

It's this guy's version of self-help. You know, throw yourself in your work, meditate, do some yoga, tell yourself lies, take up existential philosophy, quote some Aleister Crowley (I named a rooster Aleister Crowley, no shit), listen to the Smiths, shoot a guy in the face. Just like mine, except with extreme violence. (I have said verbatim several things this guy says through the course of this film, but never really considered myself a psycho).

The world portrayed is in no way glamorous. This world is cold. The film opens with him prepping for a kill, which is all just mundane shit, part of his day. People that come for you have no names or faces. You don't know who they are, and they don't know you. But that bullet still has your name on it. People don't understand why he is there when he shows up to do his deeds. 

This isn't just run-of-the-mill action. The one choreographed fight scene is fucking brutal, all out, and devastating. As Fassbender walks away, he repeats one of his mantras, "This is what it takes." He's saying this to us, the audience. Fuck.

First watch, I thought it was a masterpiece, but it was a mid-tier Fincher. Now, I have it fourth and rising. Zodiac, Se7en, and Social Network ahead of it. But just barely. Surpasses Gone Girl and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, another of his misunderstood home runs. 

Made me think of Paul Schrader whose work also depicts troubled men struggling through an existential crisis leading to a violent, cathartic event. If you don't know who he is, he's the guy who wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull and directed the films  Cat People, Affliction, Auto Focus, The Canyons (the insane Bret Easton Ellis written film staring Lindsay Lohan and porn actor/rapist James Deen who was called "Bill Cosby of porn"), and most recently The Constant Gardner. He got into some shit after the 2016 election for calling the upcoming Trump presidency "a call to violence" and that "we should be willing to take arms. Like Old John Brown." Such earned him a visit from the NYC Counterterrorism Bureau. So that's pretty cool. 

Looked to see if he had anything to say about it. He did. "Is style its own validation in narrative art? Or should it serve another purpose as well? Fincher's film is a masterclass in film style, but there is a pharase (sic) for this in Texas. It's called 'all hat.'" He also called Fassbender's character "the Chatty-Kathy of hit men."

Fincher himself called it a "B-movie." A dressed-up, near-silent assassin film that's sharp, pulpy, and doesn't pretend. Style, cynical worldviews, pessimism, these are things Fincher films ooze. The images of the various nocturnal cities suggest a Dostoevsky nightmare, fragments of artistic tradition to stave off spiritual despair, laden with new-wave references to other movies and directors. nostalgia is very much in Fincher's mind. Fincher gives us many allusions (most notably Le Samourai by Jean-Pierre Melville). Throughout, unorthodox narration (very much a noir trope) demonstrates the ambiguity of human motives. Commodity culture is a wasteland (product placement is everywhere, making his job both easier to perform and harder to get away with). The film is a critical and self-reflexive analysis of contemporary life, a dream image of bygone glamour repressing as much history as it recalls and service of the cinephile and commodification.

Asked several people what they thought this movie was about and got completely different answers, which were also different from mine. That's what makes Fincher a genius. It's different based on where you are and what you're dealing with. For me, it was obviously about the fallacy of control and the lies we tell ourselves. Also, a meditation on what it takes to be great. Also, why give a shit enough for those sacrifices. This is where the existentialist fires up.

"Fate is a placebo," he says at the end. "The only life path is the one behind you." Then he flenches when he says he is one of the many, just like us, the audience. That shit isn't going to last. This whole time, the killer is a political pessimist experiencing existential anguish, erasing his old life and taking up this new one that is the antithesis of everything he says and does. However, he is the ultimate unreliable narrator. At the end, you see a man expressing a passion for the past and present but also a fear of the future. Dreads looking ahead instead tries to survive by the day and, when unsuccessful, retreats into the past, i.e., its erasure. He is one with a lack of clear priorities, experiencing his first taste of insecurity. So he concentrates on violence, perversion, and decay, what he knows. His cauldron of inarticulate rage we get through his noir-like offscreen narration that's highly poetic and ironic, reinforced by his protection and love that we don't see and is likely bullshit. This love, who is stuck with at the movie's end, has destroyed his real identity. Ideologically, deep down, he is a contradiction, and all his talk incoherent. 

Yes, if you can't tell, I love existential art and film noir. A character withdrawing into despair and bitter disengagement that's my jam. Couple that with an atmosphere of determinism and irony, irredeemable evil, exposing the underside of American character, then I am rock hard. "I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck." 

The Glass Key: Kicking off "Noir November" with a hard-boiled masterpiece

The Glass Key - Stuart Heisler - 1942 

★★★★★-Starting Noir November off like a rocket with this masterpiece. The second screen adaptation of Dashiell Hammett's novel of the same name, a peak, twisted, hard-boiled tale.

Read the book over the summer. Loved it. Back then, I knew I was going to start off the month with this flick. I’ve probably watched 300 noir/neo-noir in the last five years, minimum. It’s been quite a while since I was this excited about a noir flick. 

Directed by Stuart Heisler. Mostly remembered for this and the 1944 propaganda film The Negro Soldier, a documentary-style recruitment piece aimed at African Americans to get them to enlist in the military during World War II. Also, the Humphrey Bogart film Tokyo Joe, and the 1949 film Tulsa, starring Susan Hayward, for which he was nominated for an Oscar. Found success with another Hayward movie in 1947 for Smash-Up, the Story of a Woman. 

Veronica Lake is the female lead but not the femme fatale. She was never more beautiful. She’s not great but is obviously a star. Stars Alan Ladd as the hardboiled detective. Mostly think of him as Johnny Morrison from The Blue Dahlia and Shane from Shane. Brian Donlevy plays Paul Madvig, the rich, corrupt politician at the center of the murder who can’t control his daughter. William Bendix plays the thug, as is his way. He’s always great. Complete psychopath in this flick. Kicks a photographer in the face as he’s getting taken out of the police station kind of guy. Perfectly cast.

Film thrusts you in the murky waters of political intrigue, corruption, and romance, with a side order of murder. Crooked politician Paul Madvig (played by Donlevy) is a political boss who's decided to swap his shady dealings for a shot at redemption. He's throwing his weight behind the reform candidate for governor, a move that's unpopular with the criminal underworld. He's also got his eye on the governor's daughter, Janet (played by Lake, who's damn cool). Enter Ed Beaumont (Ladd), Madvig's right-hand man and fixer. He's got to navigate this labyrinth of lies and deceit to clear his boss's name. It's a tale as old as time, guy meets dame, falls for dame, gets framed for murder by gangsters. 

Drew me in immediately. Madvig immediately makes his entrance by throwing a guy out of the window into the pool for giving him shit for talking to a candidate from the opposition party. This guy gets it, and doesn’t give a flying fuck. Donlevy sort of stole the show with his performance. 

Film flies by way faster than an hour and 25 minutes. Still manages to hit all the main beats of the novel. That’s what I love about the genre. You get right into it with an economy of engaging plot with dubious characters, snappy dialogue, and brutality. Plus, beautiful cinematography and women that are to die for.