Def by Temptation is the okayest movie of all time

Def by Temptation. "Honey, I've given you something there's no cure for." I'm on a real string of shit movies. However, this was fun. Won a pair of tickets to a screening of this at 10pm at a bar on a school night. If I had seen it was a Troma movie, I would've stayed home. 

Gist of this blaxploitation movie is a vampirous succubus preys on black men in New York City. However, it is this southern kid Joel who is on his way to becoming a "world-famous minister" whom she really wants. She has aspirations of taking him down like she maybe did his father, played by the Samuel L. Jackson who is in the movie for roughly two minutes but is on most of the posters, and whiping out his whole bloodline. Not exactly sure what is going on there. Anyway, this Joel kid comes up from North Carolina to visit his friend K, played by Kadeem Hardison from A Different World. His is the best performance in the movie. Cynthia Bond plays the succubus. I've only seen her in this. Also, there is a cop who specializes in supernatural cases played by Bill Nunn whom you may recognize from the Dennis Leahry show The Job or as the guy who takes a bullet up his bunghole in Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. Ouch. He's pretty solid as well. This 1990 flick stars James Bond III as Joel. He also wrote and directed it. He is pretty terrible and is incapable of carrying this movie, though the talent around him is solid. 

There is a scene extremely early in the movie where the succubus chases a naked, terrified man covered in blood around her apartment. This scene features some full-frontal wang doodle, telling you right off the bat what type of movie you are in for. 

While it was sort of fun with a cast that was mostly solid, a good movie it was not, although it is pretty bonkers in an enjoyable, Troma sort of way. It looks good enough that I looked up the cinematographer. Was suprised to see it was shot by one Ernest R. Dickerson. Dickerson mostly directs television now, with some impressive credits to his name. But I remember him for a few of my favorites from my junior high years, including Juice, Surviving the Game, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, and Bulletproof. That's an incredible four film run. All movies my brother and I watched repeatedly. 

Some of my other faults are that the succubus randomly and inexplicably gives one guy AIDS, there is some explicit homophobia, and the plot goes off the rails a couple of times. Felt it could have been tightened up, for sure. Plus, the ending is dumb and too easy. Things I enjoyed are that it was beautifully shot. The soundtrack was solid. Some surprisingly awesome special effects, like when a character is eaten by his image on his television. And I love that it is super early 1990s New York. 

Secret Obsession is the worst movie of all time

Secret Obsession. "What happened? How did I get here?" "You were in an accident, and you hit your head. You don't remember me, do you?" Awful all the way around. Basically a Lifetime quality movie. Feel that it mostly consisted of the main actress unconvincingly limping around. It's rotten as fuck. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: While it may offer some thrills and unintentional laughs, Secret Obsession is mostly a formulaic and dumb thriller.

Released in 2019 on Netflix, the gist of the movie is a woman suffers a head injury when she is hit by a car. She can't remember shit, but her creepy husband is there to help her put the pieces back together. But she has this suspicious that she is still in danger. There are a couple of parts that made me LOL, but I assure you they are unintentional--again with the limping around and once when an actress is running away from a dude, and has basically gotten away but falls down the stairs out of nowhere.

Directed by one Peter Sullivan, a guy who indeed specializes in Lifetime and Hallmark movies with mostly Christmas flicks to his name. It stars Brenda Song, whom I've never seen, in the lead role. Mike Vogel who you might recognize from Cloverfield plays her husband. A woman named Ashley Scott who looks hella familiar plays the nurse helping the amnisiac recover. Her biggest credits include the show Jericho, a sex robot in A.I. Artificial Intelligence (one of the worst Steven Spielberg movies), Into the Blue, and some show I've never heard of called Birds of Prey. The only person I really recognized is Dennis Haysbert. He is the black guy that played President David Palmer on 24 and Pedro Cerrano in Major League. However, you probably most know him as the "you're in good hands with Allstate" guy. He goes about investigating the accident in an uninteresting way, motivated by his dead daughter somehow? 

This is a film that asks, can two injured people take on one able-bodied man? Also, how many scrambled eggs can a woman eat in one sitting? This came recommended from someone with dubious taste. I feel this is the most basic movie I've ever seen. Easy, generic plot that a high school kid could have come up with. Acting is mostly screaming and limping around or looking like an asshole. Did not like. 

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension is the worst movie of all time

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. "Shut up, John Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know." What a weird movie. This was one of an ex-girlfriend's favorite movies. Here, 15 years after we broke up, I've finally got around to watching it. 

Gist is that a world-famous crime-fighting brain surgeon, rock star, adventurer test pilot and his team  must stop evil inter-dimensional aliens called the Red Lectroids (basically lizard people) set on infiltrating American society to conquer the world. 

Released in 1984 the flick was produced and directed by W. D. Richter, who directed one other movie, Late for Dinner, which I have seen. It's about two young men running from the law who get accidentally cryogenically frozen in the early 1960s before waking in the 1990s. Drama ensues. It is fucking terrible. He also wrote the screenplay for Big Trouble in Little China, the John Carpenter flick. Anyway, back to Buckaroo Banzai. It stars Peter Weller (the robocop in Robocop) in the title role. Also in the film are Ellen Barkin (This Boy's Life), Jeff Goldblum, John Lithgow (who looks like the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow), and Christopher Lloyd also playing major parts. 

Lot of that guy actors, most notably John Lacey who plays the POTUS. He was Toht, the disgusting Nazi guy whose face melted in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. He is completely unrecognizable. Others include Clancy Brown (most people think of him as the asshole guard in The Shawshank Redemption), Dan Hedaya (Nick Tortelli from Cheers), and Vincent Schiavelli (who was famous for being weird-looking), among others.

I know the movie sounds fun, but it's all over the goddamn place. However, there is some charm in that and it has a crazy cult following. It has its moments, but its not my cup of tea. Perhaps if I was more into sci-fi. 

Indiana Pacers: somehow better after blow up their roster and trading their all-star center

Optimistic about the Pacers for the first time this year. Just took them blowing up the roster like they haven’t done in 20 years. I can’t believe what we got for what we gave up. Went from tanking for the draft to having guys the Kings were building for the future to “win now.” No idea what they are doing, but it’s the Kings and their gonna King.   

We get up-and-coming Tyrese Haliburton and decent vet Buddy Hield and keep Myles Turner and Malcolm Brogdon. Plus, we’ll have two first-round picks next year (one from Cleveland for Caris LeVert), one likely a high lottery pick. Can’t ask for much more from a small-market team that constantly gets shitted on. Won’t have to spend years at the bottom of the Eastern Conference standings to get some young talent. All it took was a couple of decent draft picks and opportunistic trading.  

We lose Sabonis, a solid two-time All-Star, but hopefully, this just gives Turner more of an opportunity to shine. I’m also pleased we didn’t give away the farm for some overrated “superstar” who can’t fucking score.  

Let’s hope this year they learn to play with each other and get lucky on draft night. Nice to have a team in the to root for again. Do this shit

Blood and Black Lace is the greatest movie of all time

Blood and Black Lace. "The sight of beauty makes him lose control of himself, so he kills." "Listen here, you little idiot." What a delicious flick this is. Full of luscious, vivid colors, that aspect is reminiscent of the old Batman series (had to be shot with the same film), except extremely dark and violent. The clothing, the colors, the beautiful people, the architecture, the way the film is shot--all beautiful. A total feast for the eyes. 

Gist is that a model for a lux Italian fashion house where everyone is on coke is strangled by a masked killer (obvious visual inspiration for DC's the Question and Rorschach from The Watchmen). When her diary shows up, it turns out everyone has something to hide, and models start turning up dead. Everyone is a suspect, including the fashion house owner (who looks like Julia Fox) and her lover. Also, not to give too much away, the ending is wild. 

If the violence wasn't so over the top, it might be a good movie to trip to, if you are so inclined. But it's too brutal for all that, IMO. For example, of the film, critic Chuck Bowen of Slant Magazine wrote: 

Thematically, Blood and Black Lace offers the giallo an irresolvable obsession with female violation that's simultaneously cruel and heartfelt. Here, the murders are understood to reflect a debasement that suggests a furthering of the debasement of modelling, a suggestion that's literalized by the killer's placement of the bodies in hideous poses [...] This thematic is complicated further by the identity of the killer, who reflects the fashion industry's self-loathing and self-consumption, driven by a mixture of profound self-interest and neurosis that would be enormously influential to the subgenre at large. In a giallo, a woman's worst enemy is often a woman driven to shirk the chains of status quo that shackle her. 

So, yeah, the debasement of women is not really a place I want to go whilst out of my mind. 

This is a must-watch if you want to delve into the world of giallo ("yellow" in Italian) cinema.  Blood and Black Lace is credited as being one of the first of the genre. The film created some of the tropes that giallo is known for. Shit like exaggerated color, killer POV, women getting slapped in the face, extravagant set pieces, red phones, mannequins and harps, and the killer wearing black gloves. 

The word "giallo" comes from Italian crime/thriller novels Il Giallo Mondadori known for their distinctive yellow covers. You can think of the genre as highly stylized blends of murder mysteries and proto slashers. A lot of their DNA comes from Agatha Christie novels that they were just ripping off. If you are familiar with the spaghetti western genre that was coming out of Italy at about the same time, it is similar in that it takes a popular genre and repurposes it with post-war Italian fears and sensibilities whilst upping the sex and violence. 

Directed by one Mario Bava, who repeatedly defied convention with his use of wild, saturated color. In those days, color was used exclusively for comedies and musicals. Thrillers such as this were typically done in black and white. See Diabolique, Night Train, Psycho, The Hitch-hiker, so forth. The use of color is actually integral to the film, which Bava color-codes, linking each character and killing to a specific hue. 

For example, the character of Isabella, whose murder opens the film, wears a red coat and has red fingernail polish. We also keep coming back to her red diary, which survives her and calls back to her killing as a beautiful MacGuffin. It is generally accepted that this is an homage to Edgar Allan Poe's story "The Masque of the Red Death," set in an allegorical series of colored rooms. Bava was highly influential in this regard. Fellow giallo director Dario Argento (Deep Red, Inferno, Suspiria, Tenebrae) also uses vivid pops of color in his wonderful films. For a nice source on the genre, check out the blog The Giallo Files. 

Overall, the film is super fun with great a score with insane use of color. Extremely underappreciated, it created its own genre, which is pretty dope, like Scream did with self-aware horror. Favorite scene is when the roommate puts the diary in her purse and it individually cuts to all the usual suspects staring at the bag, breathing heavy and sweating. 

Witchfinder General is the okayest movie of all time

"If they swim, the mark of Satan is upon them. They must hang." Yeesh. Too much torture, rape, hanging of innocent people, and screaming in agony for my taste. Even see a woman get burned alive while her husband is forced to watch. While a "good" movie, I fucking hated watching it. Therefore, okayest, I guess. 

Gist of this extremely disturbing movie is that Matthew Hopkins, a real POS, and his even worse assistant, John Stearne, wander the English countryside gathering up supposed witches before torturing confessions out of them and condemning them to death. 

Law and order are pretty much nonexistent. The film takes place during the English Civil War between the Royalists and Parliamentarians when everything was in complete chaos. The film mostly focuses on a Royalist soldier named Richard Marshall who pursues Hopkins and Stearne for raping his fiance, Sara, and murdering her priest uncle, John Lowes. 

Released in 1968, the film was directed by Michael Reeves. It stars Vincent Price, Rupert Davies (Lowes),  Hilary Dwyer (Sara), Ian Ogilvy (Marshall), and Robert Russell (Stearne). It was based on the book of the same name by Ronald Bassett. 

Vincent Price plays the role of Hopkins, the witchfinder general, a historical figure, making it all the more disturbing (though this is highly fictionalized). It was in the government's interest to murder clergy at that time. Clergy lived off tax money, so murdering them meant that they could just pocket that money. They paid sociopaths like Vincent Price's character to do this shit. It was cheaper to pay them a one-time fee than continually pay the clergymen. Plus, they could seize the land and whatnot. So, yeah, these witchfinder general types not only loved killing and inflicting pain, but it was also in their best interest to make shit up and kill as many "witches" as they could. The world has never been just. But eventually, Parliament got uneasy with his mass murder and such and accused him of witchcraft, because why not, and forced him into retirement. When Oliver Cromwell tells you you need to chill the fuck out, you are indeed wilin' out. 

Anyway. This is part of a folk horror collection on Shudder. It's considered part of the unholy trinity of the genre, along with Blood of Satan's Claws and The Wicker Man. I saw the remake of the latter, a real insane piece of work staring Nicholas Cage, this is the "not the bees" movie. I'll probably check those out. If they are equally brutal, I'm done with folk horror. 

Superhost is the worst movie of all time

Superhost. “This episode is the most special episode yet! Be sure to like and subscribe as we hunt down your favorite host, Teddy. First impressions of this place are not good. There is blood EVERYWHERE and I found a dead body in the basement. Absolutely zero stars.” That shit is pretty funny. This movie though, uuuugggghhhhh. Not my cup of tea. Though it has a 92% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomato. So what do I know? Judge for yourself if you have access to Shudder. 

Gist is that a couple of influencers with a travel vlog do what they do whilst stressing about their dwindling follower count. They decide to start creating content focused around their "superhost," Rebecca, who is out of her fucking mind and really wants a great review. Everything as far as plot goes hinges on them having shit cell service. But they have good enough WiFi to upload videos. Okay.

Directed by one Brandon Christensen who also did the movies Z and Still/Born. The movie stars Sara Canning (Claire) and Osric Chau (Teddy) as the sloggers, and Gracie Gillam as the psycho Rebecca. Gillam, who also goes by Gracie Phipps it appears, looks and carries herself like a girl I boned back in the day. The girl I knew wasn't nearly as insane, to my knowledge. But this fucked with me for some reason. 

Anyway, the always lovely and talented Barbara Crampton shows up in the flick too for what I assume was a half-day of filming. MVP is sort of a toss-up between Chau and Gillam who are both more than serviceable if over-the-top.   

Acting is solid all around. The crazy chick is believably insane, the female lead is a major buzzkill, and the Asian guy is a huge bitch. They are all super good in these roles.   

Glad I don’t have to care a lot about my number of followers is all I’ve got to say. Looks way stressful and fucking terrible, being an influencer who depends on that shit. Legit sad. 

I had a cousin who was a YouTube influencer who was like this, and I thought it was pretty pathetic. But what do I know with my sub-300 Instagram followers? I like using YouTube and blogging and posting photos and such, obviously, but I do it more for me and my friends and don’t have to worry about making a living at it, with all my high-level marketable skills and all (I kid [sort of]). 

Also, this lady, not marriage material. Yeah, she cute, but fucking with someone else’s livelihood for followers and likes is low as fuck. Now the host did end up being crazy, but that is beside the point. The chick he wants to marry, we see, has a track record of this. I just can’t get over how little I respect this dude’s character. Think about what you want out of life and a partner, dipshit. He can barely even go downstairs to check out strange noises and shit. This dude needs to learn how to be a fucking man. Of course she doesn’t really say yes by the way. As you can guess, the rest of their video is bound to be stellar.   

A lot of bad horror movie decisions. Idiot logic like going back to the house instead of the car because the killer might be waiting on them even though the house is monitored by surveillance cameras and locked via codes she provides. They had so many opportunities to run when they were able-bodied, but the dude, as been established, is a bitch. Also, there is a security system they could have set off to get the police there but they didn’t. I guess if the killer had remote access or something, but, again, no cell reception. They waited too long though and she was able to turn it off with a fob. Could have hit the panic button, but these two don’t want to live. I feel like this is on-brand for them though and they get got because of it. Fucking noobs.  

It Comes At Night is the greatest movie of all time

It Comes At Night. "You can't trust anyone but family." Well, that was about the bleakest fucking movie I've ever seen. Did not like watching during a pandemic. Basically, everything that happens in the movie is for nothing. Humans are the worst. Can't trust each other especially when it comes down to survival between families. Even the fucking dog dies. A solid movie, great even, but holy fuck, man. Never watching this shit again. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It Comes at Night makes lethally effective use of its bare-bones trappings while proving once again that what's left unseen can be just as horrifying as anything on the screen. Read critic reviews  

Written and directed by one Trey Edward Shults, who must be disturbed as shit. My man has some fucking talent. Barebones, effective as shit storytelling. The film is about a family (mom, dad, adultish son) hiding in a forest after society has collapsed following the outbreak of a highly contagious, deadly disease. Things are pretty shitty but they are surviving when a dude suddenly tries to break in. Turns out he has a wife and little one. He desperate as shit while the other one is just trying to keep his family safe. 

Only two people I recognize, neither by name. They are Riley Keough (Elvis's granddaughter who was in Mad Max: Fury Road) and this Joel Edgerton (mostly think of him as Hugo from Smokin' Aces). Only other people that are in it enough to have lines are Christopher Abbott, Carmen Ejogo (she was in True Detective: Season 3), and Kelvin Harrison Jr. The fams are Edgerton, Ejogo, and Harrison, then the others are a clan. 

I think what I really don't like about the way this movie made me feel, without giving too much away, I 100% would have done exactly what either of the dads does, especially Edgerton. But no one was right, nor wrong. Just fucked.  

While the movie has a high critical rating, audiences hated it. Probably because it was such a bummer, no doubt. I mean, we are watching people living in a world filled with fear, sickness, fear of sickness, pain, distrust, and desperation. Sort of like IRL but also with way more death and isolation. It's fucking terrifying and prophetic--the film came out in 2017, before the shit. 

Hard to pick an MVP, the performances and film are so great. Leaning toward the director, Shults, or Harrison. I'm gonna default to the director though since this was a nearly perfect unwatchable movie. Check it out, sure, but it is not a pleasant watch for a movie with no gore and no truly evil characters. 

What I watched: August 2021

Here are the movies/television programs I watched last month. Giving each a one-word review (maybe with some notes), where I watched it, and when it was made. Going to make this a thing...   

Michelle Buteau: Welcome to Buteaupia - 2020 - Netflix - Okay - She was funnish, but not nearly what I was led to believe

Jungle Cruise - 2021 - Drive-In - Good - Had more fun watching this than The African Queen

The African Queen - 1951 - Criterion - Bad - Yeah, I know

The Dead - 1986 - Criterion - Bad - John Huston whiffs again, this in his last film

Going Nuts: Tales from a Squirrel - 2019 - HBO Max - Great - Love a good, lighthearted nature documentary

The Bedroom Window - 1987 - Criterion - Great - I fucking loved this movie. Neo-noir is my fucking jam. This one is exceptional, and the only one I've seen that stars Steve "The Goot" Guttenberg. 

Untold: The Malice at the Palace - 2021- Netflix - Good - Still hurts. Pretty sure it cost Reggie a championship. I may be biased but I always thought David Stern and the media fucked us on this (by us I mean the Pacers). Stern and his anti-Pacer bullshit peaked then. The media was waiting to go off on the NBA. Great documentary though

Free Guy - 2021 - AMC Theater - Good - Super fun movie. Ryan Reynolds is a treasure. The film was nice with a really interesting gimmick 

Warm Bodies - 2013 - Plex - Good - A zombie love story. Super creative and well-acted. One of the better zombie takes from the last decade, for sure

Homicide - 1991 - Criterion - Good - Aggressive David Mamet, zionist shit... But it is pretty good

Witness - 1985 - Plex - Good - Harrison Ford protects a little Amish boy who witnessed a murder. Goes to their community, bones the kid's mom, and kicks some fucking ass. Ridiculous but solid. 

Cube - 1997 - Plex - Good - Impressive low-budget Canadian horror flick. Has a huge cult following, which I don't really get. But it was fine. 

Lord of Illusions - 1995 - Prime - Great - Really feeling Clive Barker's films lately. Love a neo-noir supernatural horror flick. Wish he'd get back to directing as Hellraiser, Nightbreed, and Lord of Illusions are all classics. 

2001 Maniacs - 2005 - Plex - Fucking Terrible

The Great Escape - 1963 - Plex - Fucking Incredible - One of my all-time faves, I watch this every few years. Steve McQueen is so damn cool it is insane; however, I think James Garner and James Coburn are often overlooked for their work on the film. Whenever I watch this, I try to pull off the cutoff sweatshirt look, much to my female companion's irritation. 

The Asphalt Jungle - 1950 - Criterion - Great - John Huston definitely redeemed himself in my eyes with this gritty, trash crime flick. The first film with Marilyn Monroe. So worth a watch.

Homicide is the greatest movie of all time

Homicide. "I'm gonna tell you what the old whore said, and this is the truest thing I know: 'When you start cumming with the customers, it's time to quit.'" The third most David Mamet line I can think of written by David Mamet. The first is "Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only." The second, from the same rant, is "You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?" This guy. 

First, fuck David Mamet. He's a Trump-supporting, misogynistic Zionist. Dude does do aggressive, angry male characters well though. This is not a shocker. 

Watched 1991's Homicide as part of Criterion Collection Monday. Gist of the movie is Joe Mantegna (totally carries the movie) a self-hating Jewish homicide detective investigating a seemingly minor murder that ends up maybe being committed by an antisemitic hate group which eventually leads to him committing domestic terrorism for Zionists. Also in the movie are William H. Macy and Ving Rhames, both of whom are solid. 

Like any David Mamet movie, everyone talks like they are coked out of their minds with speech peppered with constant racial slurs and “fucks.” It's pretty solid but I’ll never fucking watch it again. If you like Glengarry Glen Ross, you'll probably like this. 

Like I said, Criterion movie. This director-approved release includes an audio commentary with Mamet and Macy, as well as cast interviews and a gag reel. Couldn’t imagine there is a more inappropriate movie with a gag real. This is in shocking taste... But I'm pretty curious about what is on it.