Witchfinder General is the okayest movie of all time

"If they swim, the mark of Satan is upon them. They must hang." Yeesh. Too much torture, rape, hanging of innocent people, and screaming in agony for my taste. Even see a woman get burned alive while her husband is forced to watch. While a "good" movie, I fucking hated watching it. Therefore, okayest, I guess. 

Gist of this extremely disturbing movie is that Matthew Hopkins, a real POS, and his even worse assistant, John Stearne, wander the English countryside gathering up supposed witches before torturing confessions out of them and condemning them to death. 

Law and order are pretty much nonexistent. The film takes place during the English Civil War between the Royalists and Parliamentarians when everything was in complete chaos. The film mostly focuses on a Royalist soldier named Richard Marshall who pursues Hopkins and Stearne for raping his fiance, Sara, and murdering her priest uncle, John Lowes. 

Released in 1968, the film was directed by Michael Reeves. It stars Vincent Price, Rupert Davies (Lowes),  Hilary Dwyer (Sara), Ian Ogilvy (Marshall), and Robert Russell (Stearne). It was based on the book of the same name by Ronald Bassett. 

Vincent Price plays the role of Hopkins, the witchfinder general, a historical figure, making it all the more disturbing (though this is highly fictionalized). It was in the government's interest to murder clergy at that time. Clergy lived off tax money, so murdering them meant that they could just pocket that money. They paid sociopaths like Vincent Price's character to do this shit. It was cheaper to pay them a one-time fee than continually pay the clergymen. Plus, they could seize the land and whatnot. So, yeah, these witchfinder general types not only loved killing and inflicting pain, but it was also in their best interest to make shit up and kill as many "witches" as they could. The world has never been just. But eventually, Parliament got uneasy with his mass murder and such and accused him of witchcraft, because why not, and forced him into retirement. When Oliver Cromwell tells you you need to chill the fuck out, you are indeed wilin' out. 

Anyway. This is part of a folk horror collection on Shudder. It's considered part of the unholy trinity of the genre, along with Blood of Satan's Claws and The Wicker Man. I saw the remake of the latter, a real insane piece of work staring Nicholas Cage, this is the "not the bees" movie. I'll probably check those out. If they are equally brutal, I'm done with folk horror. 

Superhost is the worst movie of all time

Superhost. “This episode is the most special episode yet! Be sure to like and subscribe as we hunt down your favorite host, Teddy. First impressions of this place are not good. There is blood EVERYWHERE and I found a dead body in the basement. Absolutely zero stars.” That shit is pretty funny. This movie though, uuuugggghhhhh. Not my cup of tea. Though it has a 92% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomato. So what do I know? Judge for yourself if you have access to Shudder. 

Gist is that a couple of influencers with a travel vlog do what they do whilst stressing about their dwindling follower count. They decide to start creating content focused around their "superhost," Rebecca, who is out of her fucking mind and really wants a great review. Everything as far as plot goes hinges on them having shit cell service. But they have good enough WiFi to upload videos. Okay.

Directed by one Brandon Christensen who also did the movies Z and Still/Born. The movie stars Sara Canning (Claire) and Osric Chau (Teddy) as the sloggers, and Gracie Gillam as the psycho Rebecca. Gillam, who also goes by Gracie Phipps it appears, looks and carries herself like a girl I boned back in the day. The girl I knew wasn't nearly as insane, to my knowledge. But this fucked with me for some reason. 

Anyway, the always lovely and talented Barbara Crampton shows up in the flick too for what I assume was a half-day of filming. MVP is sort of a toss-up between Chau and Gillam who are both more than serviceable if over-the-top.   

Acting is solid all around. The crazy chick is believably insane, the female lead is a major buzzkill, and the Asian guy is a huge bitch. They are all super good in these roles.   

Glad I don’t have to care a lot about my number of followers is all I’ve got to say. Looks way stressful and fucking terrible, being an influencer who depends on that shit. Legit sad. 

I had a cousin who was a YouTube influencer who was like this, and I thought it was pretty pathetic. But what do I know with my sub-300 Instagram followers? I like using YouTube and blogging and posting photos and such, obviously, but I do it more for me and my friends and don’t have to worry about making a living at it, with all my high-level marketable skills and all (I kid [sort of]). 

Also, this lady, not marriage material. Yeah, she cute, but fucking with someone else’s livelihood for followers and likes is low as fuck. Now the host did end up being crazy, but that is beside the point. The chick he wants to marry, we see, has a track record of this. I just can’t get over how little I respect this dude’s character. Think about what you want out of life and a partner, dipshit. He can barely even go downstairs to check out strange noises and shit. This dude needs to learn how to be a fucking man. Of course she doesn’t really say yes by the way. As you can guess, the rest of their video is bound to be stellar.   

A lot of bad horror movie decisions. Idiot logic like going back to the house instead of the car because the killer might be waiting on them even though the house is monitored by surveillance cameras and locked via codes she provides. They had so many opportunities to run when they were able-bodied, but the dude, as been established, is a bitch. Also, there is a security system they could have set off to get the police there but they didn’t. I guess if the killer had remote access or something, but, again, no cell reception. They waited too long though and she was able to turn it off with a fob. Could have hit the panic button, but these two don’t want to live. I feel like this is on-brand for them though and they get got because of it. Fucking noobs.  

It Comes At Night is the greatest movie of all time

It Comes At Night. "You can't trust anyone but family." Well, that was about the bleakest fucking movie I've ever seen. Did not like watching during a pandemic. Basically, everything that happens in the movie is for nothing. Humans are the worst. Can't trust each other especially when it comes down to survival between families. Even the fucking dog dies. A solid movie, great even, but holy fuck, man. Never watching this shit again. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It Comes at Night makes lethally effective use of its bare-bones trappings while proving once again that what's left unseen can be just as horrifying as anything on the screen. Read critic reviews  

Written and directed by one Trey Edward Shults, who must be disturbed as shit. My man has some fucking talent. Barebones, effective as shit storytelling. The film is about a family (mom, dad, adultish son) hiding in a forest after society has collapsed following the outbreak of a highly contagious, deadly disease. Things are pretty shitty but they are surviving when a dude suddenly tries to break in. Turns out he has a wife and little one. He desperate as shit while the other one is just trying to keep his family safe. 

Only two people I recognize, neither by name. They are Riley Keough (Elvis's granddaughter who was in Mad Max: Fury Road) and this Joel Edgerton (mostly think of him as Hugo from Smokin' Aces). Only other people that are in it enough to have lines are Christopher Abbott, Carmen Ejogo (she was in True Detective: Season 3), and Kelvin Harrison Jr. The fams are Edgerton, Ejogo, and Harrison, then the others are a clan. 

I think what I really don't like about the way this movie made me feel, without giving too much away, I 100% would have done exactly what either of the dads does, especially Edgerton. But no one was right, nor wrong. Just fucked.  

While the movie has a high critical rating, audiences hated it. Probably because it was such a bummer, no doubt. I mean, we are watching people living in a world filled with fear, sickness, fear of sickness, pain, distrust, and desperation. Sort of like IRL but also with way more death and isolation. It's fucking terrifying and prophetic--the film came out in 2017, before the shit. 

Hard to pick an MVP, the performances and film are so great. Leaning toward the director, Shults, or Harrison. I'm gonna default to the director though since this was a nearly perfect unwatchable movie. Check it out, sure, but it is not a pleasant watch for a movie with no gore and no truly evil characters. 

What I watched: August 2021

Here are the movies/television programs I watched last month. Giving each a one-word review (maybe with some notes), where I watched it, and when it was made. Going to make this a thing...   

Michelle Buteau: Welcome to Buteaupia - 2020 - Netflix - Okay - She was funnish, but not nearly what I was led to believe

Jungle Cruise - 2021 - Drive-In - Good - Had more fun watching this than The African Queen

The African Queen - 1951 - Criterion - Bad - Yeah, I know

The Dead - 1986 - Criterion - Bad - John Huston whiffs again, this in his last film

Going Nuts: Tales from a Squirrel - 2019 - HBO Max - Great - Love a good, lighthearted nature documentary

The Bedroom Window - 1987 - Criterion - Great - I fucking loved this movie. Neo-noir is my fucking jam. This one is exceptional, and the only one I've seen that stars Steve "The Goot" Guttenberg. 

Untold: The Malice at the Palace - 2021- Netflix - Good - Still hurts. Pretty sure it cost Reggie a championship. I may be biased but I always thought David Stern and the media fucked us on this (by us I mean the Pacers). Stern and his anti-Pacer bullshit peaked then. The media was waiting to go off on the NBA. Great documentary though

Free Guy - 2021 - AMC Theater - Good - Super fun movie. Ryan Reynolds is a treasure. The film was nice with a really interesting gimmick 

Warm Bodies - 2013 - Plex - Good - A zombie love story. Super creative and well-acted. One of the better zombie takes from the last decade, for sure

Homicide - 1991 - Criterion - Good - Aggressive David Mamet, zionist shit... But it is pretty good

Witness - 1985 - Plex - Good - Harrison Ford protects a little Amish boy who witnessed a murder. Goes to their community, bones the kid's mom, and kicks some fucking ass. Ridiculous but solid. 

Cube - 1997 - Plex - Good - Impressive low-budget Canadian horror flick. Has a huge cult following, which I don't really get. But it was fine. 

Lord of Illusions - 1995 - Prime - Great - Really feeling Clive Barker's films lately. Love a neo-noir supernatural horror flick. Wish he'd get back to directing as Hellraiser, Nightbreed, and Lord of Illusions are all classics. 

2001 Maniacs - 2005 - Plex - Fucking Terrible

The Great Escape - 1963 - Plex - Fucking Incredible - One of my all-time faves, I watch this every few years. Steve McQueen is so damn cool it is insane; however, I think James Garner and James Coburn are often overlooked for their work on the film. Whenever I watch this, I try to pull off the cutoff sweatshirt look, much to my female companion's irritation. 

The Asphalt Jungle - 1950 - Criterion - Great - John Huston definitely redeemed himself in my eyes with this gritty, trash crime flick. The first film with Marilyn Monroe. So worth a watch.

Homicide is the greatest movie of all time

Homicide. "I'm gonna tell you what the old whore said, and this is the truest thing I know: 'When you start cumming with the customers, it's time to quit.'" The third most David Mamet line I can think of written by David Mamet. The first is "Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only." The second, from the same rant, is "You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?" This guy. 

First, fuck David Mamet. He's a Trump-supporting, misogynistic Zionist. Dude does do aggressive, angry male characters well though. This is not a shocker. 

Watched 1991's Homicide as part of Criterion Collection Monday. Gist of the movie is Joe Mantegna (totally carries the movie) a self-hating Jewish homicide detective investigating a seemingly minor murder that ends up maybe being committed by an antisemitic hate group which eventually leads to him committing domestic terrorism for Zionists. Also in the movie are William H. Macy and Ving Rhames, both of whom are solid. 

Like any David Mamet movie, everyone talks like they are coked out of their minds with speech peppered with constant racial slurs and “fucks.” It's pretty solid but I’ll never fucking watch it again. If you like Glengarry Glen Ross, you'll probably like this. 

Like I said, Criterion movie. This director-approved release includes an audio commentary with Mamet and Macy, as well as cast interviews and a gag reel. Couldn’t imagine there is a more inappropriate movie with a gag real. This is in shocking taste... But I'm pretty curious about what is on it.

The Asphalt Jungle is the greatest movie of all time

The Asphalt Jungle. "One way or another, we all work for our vice." Might be the darkest Hayes Code era flicks I've seen, the movie was released in 1950. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth, even for a John Huston movie, but is an undeniable masterpiece. Not my favorite Huston flick, but damn good. 

Based on the 1949 book of the same name by W. R. Burnett. The gist of the movie is a group of guys pull off a major jewel heist in the Midwest only for things to go to shit when the men start double-crossing each other. 

Though you probably won't recognize many of the actors, the performances are flawless. The film stars Sterling Hayden (his performance is stellar) who is the guy who breaks Michael's jaw in The Godfather, Louis Calhern (also phenomenal) who I only recognize from Duck Soup, the talented Jean Hagen (another breakout performance) who played Lina Lamont in Singin' in the Rain, the guy who played Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption, and, most notably, Marilyn Monroe, in one of her earliest roles. 

A lot of cringe with Marilyn's character. Young and Marilyn Monroe at her peak hot, her creepy uncle has some sexual predatory stuff going on with her. That's pretty unpleasant to watch, for sure. But damn, Monroe makes quite an impact on the screen. 

Doing some half-assed internet research, supposedly Huston's first choice for the role played by Monroe was Lola Albright, who was quite a looker herself. When she wasn't available, Huston brought in Monroe for a screen test. He wasn't sure she was right for the part and dismissed her. However, he changed his mind when he watched her walking out the door. According to one Eddie Muller's intro to the Turner Classic Movies Noir Alley presentation of the film, Huston later said Monroe was "one of the few actresses who could make an entrance by leaving the room." I find this claim dubious but somewhat on brand. 

In his autobiography, also a dubious source, Huston claims he felt protective of her and when it seemed some unnamed studio executive was trying to "set her up for the casting couch," screen-tested her for another role, as to get that far in the process at that studio meant boning this asshole. But he didn't cast her and she disappeared. A year later, now with agent Johnny Hyde, she was back to screen-test for Asphalt Jungle. When she came around, Huston recognized her as the girl he'd saved from the casting couch. "She was Angela to a T. "I later discovered that Johnny Hyde was in love with her," Huston wrote. "Johnny was a very fine, very reliable agent, and we were friends, but Marilyn didn't get the part because of Johnny. She got it because she was damn good." I choose to believe that story over the one where he was kind of a creep.

Huston gets my vote for MVP for more or less discovering Monroe and getting insane performances out of this cast of no-names. Plus he maybe saved Monroe from having to bone some skeezy dude. 

2001 Maniacs is the worst movie of all time

2001 Maniacs. “If I had a dollar for every college kid came through here spouting off about flesh eating ghouls, I’d retired along time ago.” Not what you want to hear from the police. Terrible movie, by the by. An over-the-top gory, unfunny comedy horror film. 

Gist of the movie is that a bunch of college kids go to through the Deep South on their way spring break but get caught up this town Pleasant Valley, which, as I sure you know, is not. Things start fine as the mayor, played by Robert Englund, convinces them to stay for the town’s annual barbecue, but then the townsfolk start to killin’ them. Yee-Hah. Fucking die. 

The maniacs are these uneducated hill jacks with fucked up politics obsessed with the South rising again who are stuck in the past. Some racial motivated killings. General northern hate. Pasttimes include pussy strangling and incest. Stars and Bars everywhere. Cannibalism. Typical trip to the South, I’d say. 

Not a good movie. Mostly Robert Englund playing hero all. Bob Shaye’s sister Lin is it. Since Freddy and Lin Shaye are more or less the leads, I assumed it was a New Line movie, but it is Lion’s Gate. Also got a glimpse Kane Hodder. He is the guy that most people think of as Jason Vorhees since he really leaned into the role. Played Jason in  Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, and Jason X. No else I recognize. 

I see it's a remake of a Criterion movie, the 1964 film Two Thousand Maniacs! written and directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.. Shan’t be watching that one. 

The African Queen - John Huston - 1952

★★-The African Queen. "I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating!" Oh calm down Katharine. Saw this in 1999. Fucking hated it. Was hoping this time I'd see something different and appreciate it more. That didn't fucking happen. Love director John Huston. A personal hero. Hated this fucking movie. 

Considered an all-time classic, this is the only movie that Humphrey Bogart (Bogey) won an Academy Award for. Stars him and Katharine Hepburn. He is a gin-guzzling dipshit riverboat captain. She is missionary who really thinks highly of herself. After her brother dies when the Germans come to town and tool on him, she goes with the nearest white man she kind find. Together, the two of them pal around and presumably do some fuckin on the "African Queen" whilst heading down the Nile to blow up a German military vessel in Africa during WWI. Yeah, it's insanely historically accurate, I'm sure. There are other people in this movie, I think, but none of them fucking matter. 

Based on the novel by C. S. Forester, the film was released in 1951. It is listed as the No. 65 American movie of all time according to the AFI's 100 Years...100 Movies (10th Anniversary Edition) list. It was No. 17 on the 1998 list. 

From the stills from this film, you'd expect this to be Driving Miss Daisy with these two old farts plodding around on a boat. Turns out they are supposed to be like five years younger than me. 

Much more interesting than the film itself are the stories that came out of the production. Like Apocalypse Now except more interesting but on a shittier movie. Bogey drank his fucking ass off (he and Huston were the only two people on set that didn't get dysentery which both attributed to only drinking water that was mostly Scotch [he also only ate canned food, which was not the case with Huston, as you'll see), Kathatharine was almost killed in about seven different ways, and Huston ate human. It sounds fucking wild. 

Learned most of this from reading John Huston's autobiography. When dealing with this film he talks all about how he ate some mystery meat stew while in Africa that turned out to be human. Yum!

Gist of this story is that while location scouting, the village he was in had this shitty hunter that made food for everyone. Some pot that consisted of "monkey, forest pig, deer, and you-name-it." Eventually someone did. Native Africans could only carry a muzzleloader and this dude was a shit shot. Huston remarks that he didn't know how this guy could sustain a village when he was so unskilled. But villagers were mysteriously vanishing from nearby areas. When this guy couldn't get game for the pot, he got the meat "the simplest way possible." Barf. But Huston I think got the hunger, saying "I must say I couldn't tell the difference in the taste." Luckily this was before Bogey and Hepburn arrived. "Only a few of us were so privileged as to dine so exclusively." Alright. Can't have the talent munching on long pig. That'd be quite the craft table. 

Anyway. All of this is highly dubious. I've heard that this bio is complete bullshit. But here is something else he talks about in the book. When it came time to use some locals as extras, no one came to the shoot. Turned out that word had gotten out that if you go to the set, John Huston is probably going to eat you. The hunger and all. 

Not sure anyone really earned the MVP for this flick. Bogart and Hepburn couldn't have had less chemistry. He is a drunk, dirty man who has a tight five of mocking animals and has a face like a catcher's mit. Hepburn goes from thinking he is a drunk low-life to being head-over-heels after she sees him jump around like a baboon. Hepburn, on the other hand, is either 30 or 70 here. She basically always looks exactly like this. Could have been filmed the same year as On Golden Pond by the looks of her. 

This movie is nonsense. I feel it was John Huston wanting to go on safari and have the studio fit the bill. The ending involves improptuing a torpedo for god's sake. The movie starts as action, goes hard romance for like 2/3 of the movie, then comes back to action. Nonsense. 

What I Watched: July 2021

Here are the movies/television programs I watched last month. Giving each a one-word review (maybe with some notes), where I watched it, and when it was made. Going to make this a thing...  

Lenny Cooke - 2013 - Criterion Channel - Good - Dude couldn't ball and was an idiot

Confronting a Serial Killer - 2021 - Starz - Great - Focuses on serial killer Sam Little. What a fucking asshole. The journalist, Jillian Lauren, trying to match his victims with unsolved murders is a saint. This guy is fucked and the work she is doing is super noble and hard. She is also incredibly attractive as well as a great storyteller. 

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie - 1972 - Criterion Channel - Terrible

Werewolves Within - 2021 - Apple TV - Great - Fun, comedy horror in an isolated town staring the black dude from Detroiters. Love that shit. Based on a video game, apparently

Let Him Go - 2020 - HBO Max - Great - Really liked it but it is a total bummer of a movie

Most Likely to Murder - 2018 - Hulu - Terrible

The Big Lebowski - 1998 - Buskirk Chumley Theater - Terrible - I fucking hate this movie. Went and saw it in the theater which made it worse. Before it started I was in line for my fancy theater wine. I was surrounded by Dudes and Walters. All quoting the movie at me. Maybe like 50 quotes in three minutes. "The tumbling tumbleweeds," a Donny says to me, addressing me. Everyone looks at me. "I actually hate this movie. I think it's dumb. I'm just here with a friend." Made things awkward for everyone, and I know this was a dick move, but you know what? They all shut the fuck up. 

Nightbreed - 1990 - Shudder - Great

Shut Up and Dribble - 2018-20 - Showtime - Good/Great - Love athletes into social justice

Fear Street: 1994 - 2021 - Netflix - Good

Fear Street: 1978 - 2021 - Netflix - Great

Fear Street: 1666 - 2021 - Netflix - Great - Collectively great. Super fun hard MA, YA programs with some good queer content. Shot in the style of movies from the 90s, 70s, and then movies like The VVitch. Loved it

Night Moves - 1975 - Criterion Channel - Great - Love some neonoir. Also Gene Hackman and a young Melanie Griffith

Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage - Great - Limp Bizcuit, Gen X incels, and the Woodstock founders. Fuck those guys

Old - 2021 - AMC - Terrible - One of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've ever seen

Gunpowder Milkshake - 2021 - Netflix - Good - Bad ladies kicking ass. Not a lot of substance, but what do you want

Tenet - 2020 - Library DVD - Great

Nightbreed is the greatest movie of all time

Nightbreed. The Director's Cut. Apparently people didn't like the original. 

"Everything is true. God's an Astronaut. Oz is Over the Rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters live... And you came to die." I loved this movie. It is batshit, but interesting and visually insane. It is at least equally as good, and way more fun than Clive Barker's better-known hit, Hellraiser. 

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Nightbreed's imaginative world-building and startling creature designs are no match for its clumsy, uneven plotting.

Released in 1990, most people thought it sucked. Considered a "dark fantasy horror film," it stars Anne Bobby as the female lead (only know her from this but she was in this weird show I watched in the early 1990s called Cop Rock), Doug Bradley (Pinhead from Hellraiser), David Cronenberg (the director of The Fly among other things), Charles Haid (do not recognize), Hugh Quarshie (don't recognize him either), and Craig Sheffer (the quarterback from The Program). Sheffer plays the lead. People bought a lot of Craig Sheffer stock in the 1990s. I wasn't among them, though he is solid here. 

Gist is a mental patient played by Sheffer is led by his shrink, played by Cronenberg, to believe that he is a brutal and truly terrifying masked serial killer. Fucking sweet mask, I shit you negative. Anyway, the police catch up with him while he is hiding out in a cemetery named Midian. This post escape from said mental institute where a buddy of his rips off the skin from his head. It's pretty much comedy with the guy handing it to Sheffer with a move like, "well, here ya go." (Check out the video of that below.) 

Turns out a group of monsters (who look fucking awesome) called "Nightbreed" hideout and maybe eat humans in this Midian place. One of the monsters tries to eat him but just takes off a chunk of flesh. Figures, might as well go with the cops, but Cronenberg sets him up saying he had a gun. So the cops do what they do and shoot the fuck out of the guy. But after getting bit, he becomes Nightbreed. This causes some issues and all hell breaks loose over the last act of the film in a big fucking way. 

So, yeah, the monsters look amazing. One freak has a straight-up Jay Leno head. It was to the "point" where I googled "Nightbreed" and "Leno" and this came up.

Another favorite was the one with dreads that looked metal as fuck. Then there was the "hot" one. She was like a porcupine/human hybrid. I liked how at one point she chick killed a dude with one of her poison quills and then this maniac cop who saw it all go down looks over at her. She is topless at this point and he is all like BOOBS! and he goes to grab them and dies. Fucking hilarious.  

Some serious action when everything goes to shit in that last 3/4 of the movie. Talking massive explosions, the earth opening up and swallowing trucks, trigger happy cops and militia types mowing down monsters just because (of course they are the real monsters), flamethrowers, monsters flipping cars, bazooka friendly fire. It's a half-hour of carnage. 

Cronenberg is great in this. Whoever designed his mask and the Nightbreed is a fucking genius. Clive Barker's vision was fucking sick as well... But I'm giving the MVP to the Boston Terrier. Such a sweet, cute, good boy. Bostons are the best. Always.