Destry Rides Again is the greatest movie of all time

Destry Rides Again. Great flick. Audited a class at IU on the year 1939 in cinema, in the professor's informed opinion, the great year in film. This was my favorite of the films that we discussed. Western that is super fun and funny with iconic performers yucking it the fuck up. Also has two incredible scenes and has Marlene Dietrich as Frenchy, belting out some inspired tunes in her role as the saloon singer. The film is the obvious inspiration for Blazing Saddles with Frenchy as basically the same character as Lili von Shtüpp in that much more well known flick.

I fucking love Marlene Dietrich in this movie and she easily wins the movie. She was a fucking rocking chick. There is a podcast I listen to that goes into Dietrich during the WWII years that I highly recommend called You Must Remember This, which is just phenomenal. From Germany, she defected in the 1930s after the Nazi's came to power. She was a huge star by that point and after a few years of American films under her belt, Nazi Party approached her with an offer of becoming the top German film star of the Third Reich if she came back to Germany but she refused and applied for U.S. citizenship in 1937, eventually working to raise money with Austria-Hungary born Jewish filmmaker Billy Wilder (among others) to help Jews escape from Germany and did a couple of USO tours during the war. In her late 30s when this film was made, Dietrich bragged about all the younger Hollywood dudes she banged going into her 70s. Among the men she boned were Yul Brynner, Kirk Douglas, Errol Flynn, Joe Kennedy, John F. Kennedy, George Bernard Shaw, Frank Sinatra, and John Wayne, among many others. Also Jimmy Stewart who seems like sort of a dick. He knocked her up whilst filming this movie. She told him and he said something like, "well, golly, what are you going to do?" She said something about "we" can do this or that and he replied, "well, what are you going to do?" Dickhead. And she was bisexual and sort of a leader in the gay Hollywood scene and frequented the legendary drag balls of Berlin in the 1920s. She called her underground, closeted lesbian clan her "sewing circle." She knew how to live, this one.

In Destry, Dietrich beats the literal pants off a guy and then when his wife shows up, played by the actress Una Merkel, the two get into a tussle that is just fucking incredible. After minutes of cat-fighting, Destry, Stewart, the new deputy cleaning up the town, dumps soapy water on the pair which enrages her more and turns her wrath toward Destry. He tries to wait on her to tire herself out after minutes of throwing shit at him, but she just keeps on going, chasing everyone out of the saloon.

Movie has one of the best setups I can recall. The outlaw saloon owner Kent, played by one Brian Donlevy, kills the sheriff and then has the mayor in his pocket appoint the town drunk, Washington Dimsdale who is played by a guy named Charles Winninger, as the new sheriff. Everyone laughs their fucking asses off when he says he is going to quit drinking and clean up the town but he does what he says he'll do, wasted as he seems to be at that moment in time, bringing in Stewart's character, the son of legendary law man Destry.

Can't say enough about this flick. All around great with a fantastic and epic ending with all the women in the town taking up garden tools and kitchen utensils, marching down to the saloon, and kicking ass all over the place. It is phenomenal.

Mystery Team is the greatest movie of all time

Me and my colleagues are positively abreast with...currency and we'd like to buy some cocaine

Mystery Team. Gotdamn I love this movie. Female companion has What We Do in the Shadows which she would watch every day if she could. MT is that movie for me. It's my falling asleep movie. It's about a group of kids, young adults really, who have a clubhouse type of mystery service that solve shit like who stole Mrs. whatsherface's pie and where is some lost cat. They get in way over their heads when a little girl hires them to figure who murdered their parents and shit gets cray. I love everything about this. Features totally absurd humor. Still LOL every time I watch it. Great little murder mystery.

Kimmy!

Solid cast that were unknowns at the time. The most famous of them in 2009 was Bobby Moynihan from SNL who was in the flick for like a minute and a half. The rest of them were known, at that time, for their comedy troupe Derrick Comedy for their skits on CollegeHumor. Donald Glover (the "master" of disguise of the detectives and the one least in touch with reality) and Aubrey Plaza would become pretty huge not long after with their respective roles in Community and Parks and Recreation but the only one anyone recognized when this came out was Ellie Kemper from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for the skit "Blowjob Girl" which she hates and is unfortunate.

While Glover totally wins the movie with his earnest and ridiculous portrayal of a kid who can't let go of his childhood, DC Pierson, who plays Duncan, the self-proclaimed "boy genius", is the one that really steals the show. Like how he is chosen to reach into a fowl ass toilet at a gentlemen's club whilst wearing a tuxedo (they really focused on the "gentlemen" part and thought it was something completely different) to retrieve a ring owned by the dead mom that ended up in a stripper which she peed out after one of the murder suspects finger banged her in the champagne room. "This looks like a job for the boy genius," actor Dominic Dierkes, who plays the skinny-ass "strong man" Charlie, says. They flee the strip joint and when they reconvene Duncan reeks. They ask him what the fuck and he tells them the smell is the dog urine he sterilized himself with. "You washed your hand with dog pee?" "No, of course not, I drank it." When they go to tell Plaza's character that they find the ring, Duncan, who tells Plaza the source of this smell, then pukes all over her, Glover, and himself.

"We thought to treat ourselves to a day of sport with other gentlemen."

Duncan has the best line of the movie as well. When basically telling Glover's character that he is insane and a loser, he screams "fuck". The other two look at him incredulously and he says Yeah, that's right. I've been saying 'fuck'. Going in the backyard and trying it out." Also, cracks me up when they are being held hostage by this crazy coked up drug dealer who is holding them at knife point and is super pissed that Glover's character has disappeared. After the dumb, "strong" one says that they didn't know the guy that they showed up with and were dressed like and that they thought he was with the drug dealer, hilarious, Duncan, suggesting ways to pass the time as, lucky for them, he brought Travel Scrabble. Or, as he likes to call it, "Trabble. Or Scravel." Duncan then says he is going to start with "Trabble." Charlie then tells him he can't spell that as it is not a real word which Duncan claims is the name of the game so of course it is a word. With the hostage taker getting pissed, Duncan then says, "You know what? Let's just play Travel Monopoly. Or, as I like to call it, Travopoly." That guy then loses his mind.

Every time I watch this I pick up on something new. This is genuinely a must watch if you like absurd, arrested development, both literal and the show, humor. Smart movie about stupid people. The best type of humor.

Pet Sematary (2019) is the worst movie of all time

Pet Sematary. Baaaaad. Such a disappoint. Stephen King got me into reading. There for a while it wasn't cool to like King but I never went through that phase. Might have hidden his books under something more highbrow but I still read them. With the exception of William Shakespeare and maybe Paul Auster, I've read more of his works than anyone else. This is partly because he is so prolific. But I legit have enjoyed almost all of the books of his I've read. This book was a little dark but had its moments and was easy to blow through. This movie, on the other hand, was tough. Not because it was disturbing. Because it was shit. Though it was occasionally unintentionally hilarious.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Pet Sematary takes its source material in a few different directions, but this remake feels like an exhuming almost as often as it does a revival.

Much like my own cat, Richard Parker, Church is a monster

Saw this on opening night. This was a while ago. Obviously. Packed theater. I'm hating this movie. Get to the end. That's my MO after awhile. Almost there at this point. The girl, Ellie, is back from dead. Jud is dead. Mom, Rachel Creed, is getting stabbed to death by the girl in the upstairs of the house. She heroically tosses her baby, Gage, down out the window to the husband, Louise, outside by the car. He catches the baby. Meanwhile, wife is fighting for her life with their undead daughter. So, you know, time is of the essence and what have you. Gotta take the baby somewhere safe, I guess, so off to the car they go. Now you would think that he would lock the door and be off but no. Here he starts telling the baby that he is locking the door and not to unlock the door for anyone except him. He then proceeds to name all of the people he shouldn't open the door for. He is like, "don't unlock the door for your sister, Ellie, mommy, Jud Crandall, your grandma, gramps, aunt Zelda, Victor Pascal, the cat Church," and so forth. I couldn't stop laughing. I haven't laughed like that in years. We are talking like hysterical, belly laughing for over a minute. I mean, I could not stop. I was the only person in the packed theater that had this reaction. People were getting pissed. The guy next to me, whom I didn't know, didn't get it and said something like "that was a good kid, staying where he was told." I guess he was, man. He was obviously not self-actualized.

That is more or less all you need to know about this movie I'll give you a little bit more. The wendigo stuff was cool. But not as cool as the book though it never really is. They flesh that stuff out a little bit which everyone was hype about and indeed was interesting. The movie looks cool. Everything is all dark and New Englandy lighting wise in a way that doesn't really happen in the Midwest. It's a hard to explain aura. You have to have spent some time in Maine in the fall to experience it. Good to see Amy Seimetz, the mom, Rachel Creed, in like real main stream flicks. She was also in Alien: Covenant. Before then she was in a bunch of cool, independent horror, stuff like You're Next and Ti West movies. She was really great and probably won the movie. Though one could make a case for Jason Clarke, the dad, Louise Creed, who is solid as well. Was sort of excited to see John Lithgow in as Jud Crandall as he is usually pretty good. But this role didn't do anything for me.

The movie, on the whole, is just dumb. The changes from the book/the first movie were pretty shitty. Made the movie darker which is was pretty unnecessary and pointless (though the twist fucking got me). Much like the original 1989 movie staring Dale Midkiff as Louise, Fred Gwynne (Herman Munster) as Jud, and the lovely Denise Crosby, one of my first onscreen crushes as a child, who played Tasha Yar in Star Trek: The Next Generation, meow, I shan't ever be watching this one again. Trash.

Arsenic and Old Lace is the worst movie of all time

Arsenic and Old Lace. This movie is insane. As a buddy said of this movie, "Hollywood trying to mainstream wild ideas." Referring to all the forced euthanasia in the movie--i.e. straight up murder as these two old broads take old lonely dudes into their home, which is sort of a 1940s Airbnb situation. So these sociopaths, they are depicted as sweet but I fucking know, raised three brothers, their nephews I think. None of them are what you would call well adjusted.

First, there is Cary Grant. Protagonist. One of my favorites of all time. Several of my top 10 feature him as the leading man. He was an LSD enthusiast for Christ's sake. This movie, however, considered a classic, I fucking hated. Grant's performance is frantic and all over the place and Don Knott's esque. He is a bachelor who writes books for pathetic guys. Turns out he is newly married, as of that day (the whole movie takes place Halloween night though they get no trick or treaters) and wants to keep it secret. None of this really matters except that he should be boning this chick but instead is mostly seen frantically on the phone after discovering that his aunts are murdering people. He also breaks the fourth wall roughly five or six irritating times.

His brother that he is protecting, trying to get him into this sanitarium, Bellevue, maybe, as he legit thinks he is Teddy Roosevelt. He buries the bodies and what not. His other bro, meanwhile, is a complete psycho. He is a hit-man or something and shows up at the house after being away since childhood with Peter Lorre's creepy ass and his own murder victim.

This shit is cray and way too lighthearted about torture, murdering old people, and being a complete psycho. Filmed in 1941 during WWII, it was released in 1944, I guess this what you'd call escapist humor though I found that aspect of it to be more disturbing. Least favorite Frank Capra movie of those I've seen. Deleting off my Plex server as I'm never watching this shit again.

Piranha 3D is the greatest movie of all time

Piranha 3D. Trash. But fun AF. My female companion was pretty sure we'd watched this but no. That was either the original 1978 Joe Dante Piranha movie, which I loved as a child, or 1979's Killer Fish which was part of MST3K "The Return" on Netflix last year. Try to keep up. But I'll definitely watch this movie again.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Playing exactly to expectations for a movie about killer fish run amok, Piranha 3-D dishes out gore, guffaws and gratuitous nudity with equal glee.

Lots to like here. Ridiculously over-the-top. Shitty CGI that they roll with. Solid B-list cast. Gore. Gratuitous nudity, the best kind. This movie does indeed have it all. Sort of weird watch all the shots that were done for 3D in standard 2D but other than that, I can't complain as the movie is what I've known it would be since it came out back in the day. Didn't see it in the theater which is surprising.

Most of the kills are meh because the CGI looks so bad. Lot of faces and eyes getting eaten off. There is a chick parasailing on the back of a boat with her giant breasts out. Thought she was going to pop up with piranhas hanging off her nips but the movie isn't that silly though one of the "Wild Wild Girls" does get eaten and her implants float up to the surface. One of the victims that popped out was a redhead that gets pulled under on her inner tube. I recognized this chick as a contortionist I follow on Instagram, one Bendy Bonnie, aka Bonnie Morgan. I've long been fascinated by stretchy people, probably because I'm so not even though I work on it every day (yoga every fucking day and I can't just reach down and touch my toes [though I can after a minute or two]). First on my radar from this show I fucking loved that got cancelled called Hap and Leonard. She was a bendy former lover. In this movie she bends herself in half. She is pretty and seems cool and it was weird seeing a minor celebrity you follow online just pop up in a movie like this.

Moving on. Basically the same setup as The Meg. There is a cavern under the body of water where another body of water lies, one filled with prehistoric creatures that have a taste for humans, apparently. First casualty is Richard Dreyfuss who is supposed to be his character in Jaws, Matt Hooper. Self-referential and what not. Also get some meta commentary from Jerry O'Connell who plays Derrick who is the man behind the camera of a Girls Gone Wild type of thing. The real guy that the character is based on, one Joe Francis, great guy I'm sure, was hella pissed as O'Connell was super upfront about basing the character on this douchebag. In his official statement after Francis threatened to get lawyers and shit involved, O'Connell said "I get to play Joe Francis! Oh, wait. For legal reasons I'm supposed to say, 'I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis.'" For this alone he pretty much wins the movie. Obviously have little respect for this guy as they portray him as being fucking terrible and his character gets it rough with the piranhas biting his dick off and his last words being "wet t-shirt contest."

Have one of my all time beauties here in Elizabeth Shue, still looking fine. Have a bunch of naked ladies but they all look meh compared to Shue though she seems to sort of phone it in. Adventures in Babysitting Shue this is not. But the movie is extremely entertaining and a fun watch. Also get some cameos from Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth who were each on set for probably 15-20 minutes. Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer from like every podcast I listen to who was just in Hell Baby, and Adam Scott from Parks and Rec and Party Down are in the movie as well and are all serviceable. Again, a really fun ride for what it is.

Baghead is the worst movie of all time

Baghead. Yeesh. Low budget AF. The description made it out to be a horror comedy. What it really is is a love triangle amongst struggling actors trying to write their own movie with some bullshit sandwiched in. Did not fucking like. Deleted off my Plex server. Into the ether you go.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Pitting actors against murderers in a self-aware struggle for stardom, Baghead successfully skates the borders of horror and comedy.

Was liked by critics apparently. Fucking 79% on RT, my ass... Though most of the acting pretty alright. A young Greta Gerwig is in it. She's the independent darling now making her case for stardom. Was in Lady Bird which I still need to see. I think of her as the friend in that Ti West movie House of the Devil, a great flick. She is super 80s and cute in it and how she got on my radar. Also check her in the Woody Allen movie To Rome with Love. Probably her biggish break.
She is really good. She also gets topless. Meow. Only reason to see this I guess would be if you are some kind of Gerwig completist or pervert or something. She 100% wins the movie. She is like noticeable a notch above everyone else in the movie, who are all serviceable enough.

Some people can only consider a movie horror if someone dies. This just came up on one of my favorite podcasts, Unspooled, dealing with the AFI Top 100 list. It's tits. Anyway. With like one exception I can think of, April Fool's Day, I agree that horror has to have murder. This ain't got shit. This movie is a pump fake which I will not forgive.

Also, something else I can't deal with is a huge pussy. This chunky guy that wants to get with Gerwig's character is fucking awful. Such a wishy-washy bitch. Almost the same as the fat fuck in Friday the 13th Part 3. The type of guy that is like, "sorry I'm such a fucking loser" when he gets turned down. When he tries to make a move, my vagina shrivels up and dies. She, drunk AF, says he is like her brother, he goes in for a kiss whilst her head is down, he sort of headbutts her, she is like, "ouch, you headbutted me" and headbutts him back. He tries to tell her how he feels but in a totally awful way and she puts little hair clips on him saying he "looks like a toddler." At this point he is like I'm gonna go. The next day he goes to his cool friend guy who wants to make this movie, this guy is there with his on-again-off-again, and asks him to write his character as boyfriend and girlfriend with Gerwig's character. He then says shit like, "hey movie girlfriend," meanwhile, she is writing notes to the cool writer guy saying shit like "seriously, I want to fuck." Ugh. Fucking embarrassment. Don't be this guy, for fuck's sake, be a fucking man.

But hey. I respect that the filmmakers went out and made this shit. No money, no effects, I didn't like it, but fuck it, they made this, likely identifying with the characters who couldn't get a break and shit, and here it is. Out there. An independent success. Props on that.

Murder Mystery is the greatest movie of all time

Murder Mystery.  Part of this whole Adam Sandler is cool again thing from Netflix. I like it and I dug the movie. Right in my wheelhouse. Love Agatha Christie. Love a whodunit that doesn't take itself seriously. Been on a big Adam Sandler kick. Totally my schtick. With that in mind, not too surprising that I would think that it was the greatest movie of all time... And here we are. Critics hated it for the most part but I enjoyed it even though Sandler's character was sort of schmuck and Aniston is finally starting to age, though she still looks great (if a little white trashy, which I assume was intentional).

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Murder Mystery reunites Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler for a lightweight comedy that's content to settle for merely mediocre.

The first 20 minutes of the movie are a depressing mess with Aniston and Sandler's characters, who are married, sort of getting into it because Sandler doesn't do anything and is like the stereotypical embarrassing lazy, generic romcom dude. They've been married for 15 years and he still hasn't taken her on their promised European honeymoon because he is not only lazy, he is also cheap... and a liar. He tells her has had a promotion to detective but he is really just a cop. All this is sad and dumb.

Also, there is a character that plays this Maharishi or some such shit, that uses his spirituality and status as a guru to get laid. There is a term for this in Hinduism I remember learning in Intro to Religion freshman year of college but can't recall it anymore. It's real bad when it comes to rebirth as this is super fucking low but obviously pretty fucking common. This character, played by one Adeel Akhtar who is in that canceled Fox show Ghosted and was one of the terrorists in the mockumentary Four Lions. This guy. Not sure if I fucking hate the shit out of this character or not. He has his moments when I do, that's for fucking sure, but overall, I think I don't know what to think.

But then we get on the plane and Aniston meets some rich dude played by one Luke Evans--a handsome guy whom I only recognize from The Hobbit movies and was apparently in that new horror flick Ma which I haven't gotten around to seeing yet--when she sneaks into first class. He owns the airline or his uncle (Terence Stamp) does or something and befriends the two, inviting them to this shit show yacht trip with all these rich celebrities and shit that his dad is about to disown and announce he is leaving everything to his young wife who was once engaged to Evans. Right before signing his will, though, the lights go out and he gets got. Next thing we know people are dying all over the place.

The movie is at its best when Aniston and Sandler (I feel he wins the movie) ham it up as idiot Americans just along for the ride. They are ridiculously out of place for everything except the last 10 minutes of the movie. They dress like assholes, say dumb shit, and just look like classless idiots. Best with this is when Stamp's character goes through his relationship with all the people he is cutting off, saying shit like, "I gave you a career in film," "you saved my life in a suicide bombing assassination attempt 30 years ago," "you have led my race team to however many Formula One Championships," and so forth. When he sees them and is all, WTF are these idiots doing here. Evans character insists they stay, the rich dude is like, fine, I don't care, I do not care, you are all cut off. He, again, stabbed to death, and we get some solid physical humor with the general guy that saved him from assassination pulling out the knife. Sandler is like, probably want to leave that where it is, and he stabs it into the dead guy again. Hilarious.

I mean, the movie is what it is. If you liked shit like Woody Allen's Manhattan Murder Mystery, which I fucking love, then this is your fucking jam. Not into Murder on the Orient Express or And Then There Were None? First off, what the fuck, man? And second, you're not going to like this shit.

Hell Baby is the greatest movie of all time

Hell Baby. Absurd. If you like movies like Scary Movie, then you will like this. About the same3 grade level. I mean, it's sort of dumb and isn't anything new... But the cast is great and it made me legit LOL. So that is something. Can't say that about too many movies. Plus, it got me crazy for a Po' Boy sammy and some of those good ass Zapp's Voodoo chips. It's my burfday and I went to the farmer's market and got all the things I needed for a breaded oyster mushroom variety and got the chips and looked about town for some Abita Amber which I couldn't find. Got the root beer instead. It's tits. And OMG y'all. This was a meal, let me tell you. This movie, which takes place in N'Olans, totally inspired this once a year (month) type of feast.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Though its brand of immature comedy may appeal to some, Hell Baby misses the mark with much of its humor, rendering it a largely ineffective -- and often crass -- genre sendup.

Rotten Tomato has this flick at 31%. What the fuck is that shit? I mean, there is some dumb stuff. Like this naked old lady (a young dude in makeup) who is always trying to get sexy with Rob Corddry. Or that Keegan-Michael is just allowed to squat under the main couple's home. But this movie has more baby punching than every other film I've ever seen combined. You'll likely easily quadruple the amount of baby punching you've seen lifetime if you make it to the end of this glorious film. Greatest movie of all time.

Anyway. Yeah, cast is stellar. Corddry, Leslie Bibb whom you'll probably know from the first couple Iron Man movies or as the wife in Talladega Nights or Trick 'r Treat, Key from Key and Peele and MadTV fame, Riki Lindhome who is straight up naked for a solid (and pretty hilarious) minute, Rob Huebel who is totally a that guy, Paul Scheer who does like every podcast not a part of The Ringer that I listen to, Robert Ben Garant who was Junior from Reno 911!, Thomas Lennon (Dangle), the Michael Ian Black, and Kumail Nanjiani (the Pakistani dude from Silicon Valley) who is so goddamned funny in this and is so fucking hot right now. I'd watch pretty much anything with the Reno guys and IMB. All these people are funny as shit.

Favorite scene of the flick is after Corddry (the dad), Key as his squatting houseguest, his sister in-law (Lindhome, the blonde from Period Piece, and Nanjiani (who is just there in his capacity as the cable guy hooking up their internet connection) are doing a "Native American" blessing ritual of the house, basically just smoking a shit ton of weed, there is an earthquake that happens just inside the house, the demons don't like this apparently, and Nanjiani goes to leave. Everyone is all like, "are you okay to drive, man?" and delivers the best line of the flick, "well, I'm really high... so, we'll find out." He then gets in his work van and proceeds to drive off at a mile and a half an hour until he hits a neighbors trash can, knocks it over, and pushes it down the block. At some point he realizes there is something slowing him down, puts it in reverse, backs up two or three feet, and proceeds to drive into it again. Ah, high driving. The old "you'll get there eventually." Indeed, hilarious. ABs says "watch that shits".

Ghoulies is the worst movie of all time

Ghoulies. Jesus. This movie fucking sucked. The only positive thing I have to say about it was that one of the ghoulies, the baby ghouly, of which there are at least three, looks like my dog Lucille. Sick abs and all.

What the fuck is going on in this movie is a mystery and extremely hard to follow. From watching it twice(fish), I've gathered that some evil man-child goes back to what is sort of his childhood home with a lady friend where he was almost sacrificed, has a bunch of friends over, and summons a bunch of demon things and medieval, satanic midgets that cause mischief. These folks either get possessed or killed by low budget monsters. Allllrighty then. 

The movie is cut in such a way that I thought the main character and the guy necromancing were two different people. They weren't, I eventually found out. But you do get to see him shirtless. Which, mee-yow, this guy has the body of a 14 year-old and the face of someone in their mid 50s. He isn't some like marathon runner or anything, lest you get the wrong idea. He is tall, sort of muscular in a genetic never worked out way with no pecs, tiny nipples, and no body hair. A great look, for sure.

Only scene that is really worth watching is when the ghoulies crash the group's dinner party from the inside of the food, like one eats it's way out of the roast, while everyone just shoots the  shit and doesn't notice dick. That scene is like 10 seconds long. The rest of the movie is demon seances, there are bordering on double digits which the characters just sort of scream through for the most part, and masturbatory bullshit.

Did have a kill that was pretty fucking funny though. In this one one of the idiot frat bro type dudes in the movie walks into a room where he thinks someone he knows (I guess) is smoking a joint. This is all out of nowhere, mind you, and he says something like, "hey, don't bogart that joint!" as smoke sort of rises up around this figure with its back to us. It turns around and it's the two midgets stacked up with a cat ghoulie in his arms which he throws at the dude and it starts eating his face. 

No good quotes. No good kills. No one won the movie. This was not a good flick. I could barely finish it. The sequels can't be any worse. Don't waste your time. I'm telling you, this is legit the worst of the worst.

Toy Story 4 is the greatest movie of all time

Toy Story 4. Pixar. Dope shit. Just as good as the other films in the franchise. Took me back to 8th grade. Watching this shit. Brought a tear to my eye once or twice and made me jump more than once with the creepy ventriloquist dolls popping up everywhere and trying to rip out voice boxes and all.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Heartwarming, funny, and beautifully animated, Toy Story 4 manages the unlikely feat of extending -- and perhaps concluding -- a practically perfect animated saga.

The band is still together. Bonnie is the new toy owner. Remarkably, the toys, they're all there. Given to this little kid in bulk. Only one that got away or whatevs was Bo Peep, voiced by Elaine from Ghostbusters, who is out in the world on her own, a lost toy, but she thriving. Living her best life and what not. She don't need no kid. I feel you, Bo. Anyway, this Bonnie has some separation issues when starting school. It's only orientation and all the other kids have been chums since the womb, I guess. But there she is. No friends to speak of. Wood (T.Hanks), who sneaks in to school with her by hopping into her backpack, tries to help by giving her a bunch of trash. With said trash, this Bonnie idiot makes herself a little friend and names it "Forky" because, you know, it's a spork and kids are sort of dumb. Stupid kids. This monstrosity comes to life and Woody takes it upon himself to protect it and what not. But trash is gonna trash and he, voiced by Tony Hale (Baby Buster from Arrested Development), keeps trying to litter himself and ends up on the highway. 

Woody finds him and they head to the RV park that Bonnie and her fam are staying at when he sees Bo Peep's little nightlight that she and her three headed goat (Billy, Goat, Gruff) were a part of in an antique store. So Woody and Forky go into the shop and some creepy ass, possessed doll with a faulty voice box, Gabby, voiced by the bustalicious Christina Hendricks, and her army of demonic ventriloquist dummies led by this maniac Benson, see that Woody's intact box is just waiting to be ripped out of his insides and stuffed into ghoulish Gabby. When they fail, they end up taking Forky hostage. Woody then employs a bunch of vintage, abandoned toys, as well as a pair of stuffed carnival prizes that reunites Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele literally as they are attached at the wrist, in taking back this goddamned abomination of a toy.

Best lines of the movie where surprisingly delivered by Forky. Sort of a dark horse in this category. He had a couple that were killer. Always cheery, one came when he was being held captive and what not by Gabby when henchman ventriloquist butler Benson sort of claps at him and he gleefully exclaims "he is terrifying!" The other, and the best in the movie, is when he is trying to convince Woody that he is not in fact a toy and is indeed trash. "I was meant for soup, salad, maybe chili. And then the trash!," he says before launching himself out of the window of the RV, exclaiming, "I'm litter!" with pure joy.

Hanks is fucking perfect in this role and totally wins the fucking movie. Maybe his best ever though I am pretty partial to Jimmy Dugan. So is Annie Potts as Bo and Hendricks is pretty great as well, displaying a convincing range in this flick. You go from hating her to totes empathizing and what not. Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear is stellar. Also my favorite role for him. But Keanu goddamn Reeves steals the show, as he does, with as Canadian stuntman action figure Duke Caboom. From the trailer I was a bit worried about this guy as it looked irritating AF. But he is over the top in a good way as opposed to the annoying way he comes off in the preview. 

Also, sort of got tired of writing so much about every flick and stopped doing it. Was doing a lot of writing magazine articles for my side hustle, cover letter writing, and company newsletter shits. It stopped being fun. But now I'm getting back into it. Going to try to keep these short and sweet. Just what I liked or didn't. A joke or two. Stuff that stuck out. Shit like that.