The Remains is the worst movie of all time

You've all seen this before. It's just like all the other haunted house movies you've seen. One of million Poltergeist/Amityiville clones. It's also not one of those so bad it has charm movies. It's just a shitty, boring, cliché of a movie.

Pros: The dad does okay and acts like a normal guy actually would in a situation like this (which at times is unintentionally hilarious).

Cons: Shitty acting. Completely unoriginal. Dialogue is bad.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Best/worst line: Most grown-worthy line came when this neighbor lady comes over. Says something like, “it's nice the house finally sold.” The dad says something like, “yeah, hard to believe it has been empty all this time.” She then says, “I wouldn't say it's been empty.” He is like what the hell does that mean. “Oh nothing, just that there are probably mice.” She fucking says that. The dad is like what the fuck was that shit?

Notes: Movie starts by going way back. Dream of the 1890s is alive in California, apparently. Olde timey couple with a missing daughter goes to a pair of spiritualists. These people can't act for shit. So robotic it is painful. It's still better than I can do but is noticeably not great. This is going to be an long hour and half if it stays like this. Otherwise a standard seance featuring demon possession and mass murder with a phonograph playing that “Daisy” song that Hall 3000 made forever creepy.

On to present day. More shitty acting, this time with annoying children. Actually, they aren't that bad. Widower dad (who is okay at times) with three kids (all of whom sort of suck). Two young'uns and a late teen who spends most of her time early in the movie sexting at inappropriate times with her BF (like during the walk through of the house). Looking at buying a house. End up at the murder house from scene one. Comes with an enticing creepy doll sized model of the house. If there is one of these in a house you are ever looking at buying, you should definitely live there. Later she finds a terrifying doll too. Maybe rent it out or something. Also doors keep slamming and people keep running by in the shadows. Beautiful house that is too good to be true situation. City owns it and supposedly wants to just get rid of it before it depreciates in value. But the doorbell is broken.

They are moved in. The older daughter is all rebellious and feisty—smoking, backtalk, occasional freakouts, so forth. Food delivery boy drops off dinner. Mentions the fucking doorbell. Also acts like a complete asshole. Says, “I didn't think anyone would ever buy this house.” Dad is like, what the fuck, and the kid is all, whatever, old man.

Three ghost happenings the first night. Day two they find a bunch of 1890s relics like the phonograph, the doll, an old camera, the dude's pocket watch from scene one. The youngest daughter, who is a little violent and crazy, is acting strange. Like maybe she is possessed at this point. Clueless dad is like, “I need to check all this weird shit out before you play with it... It could be worth some money,” and fucking yoinks the doll. The two little kids are like super lethargic almost immediately. Basically zombies. The dad is almost comically clueless here. Kids barely able to say they want eggs for breakfast without drooling. Dad cracks them open and they filled with blood. He is like, “huh, that is weird. They must be rotten. What do you know?”

Escalates from there. Kids act weird. Shit happens to them. The boy wets himself. The girl faints. Explained as low blood sugar. Meanwhile, older sister wants to bone her skeezy BF but ghostus interruptus. Start getting ghost warning from beyond the grave. At this point the dad figures out that some shit went down in the house. Dad decides what they need to do is get rid of the stuff that was there when they moved in. But all of them are like attached to one of the items and he can't. His is the watch. He now starts dreaming about killing the kids. The movie predictably escalates from there and then it ends predictably with the survivor girl barely even noticing anything is going on. From her standpoint shit only gets weird for like two minutes of the movie then she burns the items and it's fucking over. But wait. One last shitty jump scare and we are back to the realtor selling the house again to another stupid family. What the fuck? It makes no fucking sense at all. Is she like in on it with demons/ghosts? I have no fucking clue. It's so fucking stupid. Nor is it ever scary. This is in no way worth your time.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is the worst movie of all time

This is such a shit movie. It is not worth thinking about. We are talking like Cinemax original bad. It's so juvenile. Hardly any of the jokes land. For the last 40 minutes I was just waiting for the movie to fucking end.

Pros: Really solid kills. At times sort of funny. At times fun. Pretty cool resurrection scene.

Cons: Sexist. No real buildup. A couple really dumb plot points. Choppy. James Corden is sort of a dick. Jokes are far between.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Decent escalating vampire kills: A limb to the heart. James Corden's first, cast irons a vamp's head off. Jim axes his ex's head in half. A priest exorcises a naked vamp in the shower while JC holds her in by the breasts.

Notes: Camilla, medieval queen vampire who turns girls into lovers of the vagine, opens the movie. Guy there who slays her. Not before she curses the women of the hamlet. Turn to lesbian vamps on their 18th birthdays. Someone from the hunter's bloodline will have to vanquish her. She then promises to rise again.

Present day: there is James Corden. Children's clown who punches children and hates kids. Other guy, feckless Jim, has a whore of a GF that breaks up with him whenever she wants to do some other guy. Let a dart show the way. Throw it at the map and go there. The town of Cragwich where they go hiking. JC smashes Jim's phone when his ex calls to get back with him.

Enter the lesbian vamps. Or exit rather. The sexy ladies leave an olde timey pub. Dudes pop in. No sexy ladies in there. Just old dudes. Scene is reminiscent of American Werewolf in London. The girls on the road singing some “I like you when you are naked” song which is ridiculous. Apparently they aren't vampires? Yet? All have absurd unidentifiable accents. Their van breaks down and the boys catch up to them. Suddenly their van isn't broken down? What the fuck? Anyway, all are going to the same castle for the night. Three of the four girls get turnt almost immediately. Not fucking around. The three left standing know it too. JC wants to ignore it. There are vampires fucking everywhere already.

Jim's ex shows up. Her car breaks down too. Gets to the castle. Yep. She's a vampire. All over Jim who has another chick into him who he just met and wants to give him her virginity. JC gets it in his mind that she may just want to lose it. He'll take what he can get. The boys kill his ex who is a vamp. “Best to remember her like she was: a complete fucking bitch.” Note that when the vampires are stabbed or whatever, they bleed what looks like semen for some reason. It is disgusting.

Oh, loophole, can't come in unless invited. “It's not like we are going to say, hey vampires, come in.” He was being ironic but there they are. Boo. Fucking dumb. They get kidnapped. Jim is the hunter's descendant. Only one that can end the curse. JC and a priest come to the rescue. Get into the medieval hurt's tomb and pull out his sword which has a cock for a handle. JC thinks this is hilarious. It's not. So it is also the priest's daughter's 18th birthday. Instead of locking her down or whatever he leaves her at home and she turns. Comes at JC and he kills her unbeknownst to the priest. This is supposed to be funny but is just dumb.

The survivor girl is like over the top into Jim whom she just met. She is like really into him. Keeps saying stuff about how she wishes she lost her virginity to him and that if they weren't tied up she would do him. Finally she drops an “I love you.” Insane. Then they spend most of the time they are tied up fighting. It's around here where I stopped fucking caring. More stuff happens but no one fucking cares. Tries too hard at cult status and fucking fails.  

Los Punks: We are All We Have is the greatest movie of all time

On the Ides of March, still a couple of days behind, my follow up down the Repo Man rabbit hole was Los Punks. Still wanted a Los Angeles punk movie. This doc fit the bill and delivered everything I wanted.

With documentaries I don't feel you can really judge them like you can a fictional world. Basically, if it focuses on something interesting (or at least I find interesting) in a coherent and compelling way, then it's a home run. That said, of that subculture variety, this is the best one I've seen like this in over a year.

Most ridiculous line: “Do you know why we are here?” “Apparently someone got stabbed and they are like dying or something” and later, same guy, to a cop shutting down a party out the back of his business, “haters gonna hate.”

The whole thing reminded me of Paris is Burning. PIB, filmed in the 1980s, explores the drag show culture of New York City among the African-American, gay, Latino, and transgender communities. LP too looks at an expressive group of individuals that is unknown to outsiders. In both you have this creative, inclusive community that allows the subjects an outlet that encourages their pursuits in an adopted family-type atmosphere. Good stuff.

The film affectionately delves into the young Hispanic Punk scene in East and South Central Los Angelese. It follows various youths as they go from one backyard party/concert to the next. It also examines their day-to-days.

With everything going on in this country these days, it’s a good doc like this one that reminds me just how important and powerful self-expression are when the powers that be try to silence the other. Plus, I love docs that focus on subcultures of people that are just doing what they love doing. These docs are the best.

Logan is the greatest movie of all time

So this is it. Jackman’s last go as the X-Men’s most iconic character. Grizzled as fuck, the film is dark, violent, and is sort of a bummer of a movie. Maybe a little violent for my tastes but all in all solid. The movie is also a meditation on death which even superheroes are not immune. This one takes a lot out of you.

Pros: The feels. Performances of Jackman/Stewart/Keen (the feral little girl). Storyline.

Cons: The brutality. Too long.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Professor X is extremely old and demented, this aspect is very interesting and totally heartbreaking, and time is finally catching up with Logan as well. Their relationship is one of a man in need of physical care and the reluctant caregiver. Also, one in need of emotional care and a not quite able caregiver. A lot of tear-jerking scenes there especially with this being the last X-Men movie, for Jackman at least. It’s hard to see the treasure that is Patrick Stewart like this.

Enter adorable half-Mexican, half-Wolverine child. She’s a badass with little kid front and back claws with the power of regeneration. Some dark, governmental, paramilitary outfit has suppressed the mutant gene in the public but is using the DNA to create future super soldiers. Only thing is, these kids are living things with feelings and desires and such. Now that they have found a way to breed that out and create a fully grown, ready to rock mutant, they are just going to slaughter the kids. Cull the herd. It’s fucked up. Knowing this, the nurses, at least one of them, help the little mutant kids escape whereupon they will meet up in South Dakota and cross into mutant friendly Canada, eh.

There are several twists throughout, one that was fucking shocking, which I shant give away. One thing I shall mention, however, is Eriq La Salle, Darryl Jenks (the antagonist) from Coming to America and Dr. Benton from ER, shows up. So does Stephen Merchant from The Ricky Gervais Show.

Repo Man is legitimately the greatest movie of all time

Still the best damned car on the lot after my 20-somethingth viewing. Never gets old. This is the only non-horror films I do this with. Alone, unable to sleep, a couple nights ago was that viewing.

Every time I catch something new. This time it is that a coworker, Kevin, of protagonist Otto who gets fired from the grocery along with him by manager Mr. Humphries is revealed to be the manager's son. Early we see Kevin hosting a party saying it's at his parents' house. Later we see Mr. Humphries at the same house in the doorway. Here Kevin can be seen in the background, adjusting a TV set.

Pros: Dialogue. Music. Punk style. Ludicrous and amazing storyline. Harry Dean Stanton. Hilarious.

Cons: Flawless.

Best line: “Let's go commit some crimes.” “Yeah, let's go get sushi and not pay.”

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: With this watching, I focused on the critique of religious hypocrisy pointed toward the cult of Scientology. I know infinitely more about the infamous belief system than my last viewing after watching Going Clear and Leah Remini series and have been interested in rewatching with all that in mind.

We get the first shot at religion soon into it when protagonist Otto, the Mightly Duck man himself, Emilio Estevez, goes home to his hippy parents' place wanting the money his parents gave away to the to Reverend Larry on the electric teevee machine (may or may not have been a Scientologist) to make bad decisions with. While his parents do a jay they break the news that they gave that money away to the rev's telethon, sending Bibles to El Salvador. This all happens as Larry drones on with the following:

“The lord has told me personally. Yay for I walk with the lord, Amen. He said Larry you and your flock shall seek the promised land. But only if you first destroy the twin evils of godless communism abroad and liberal humanism at home. Oh joy and Hallelujah smash'em down. Now my friends... Occasionally we get a letter from a viewer that says now the only reason Reverend Larry comes on your television set is because he wants your money. And do you know what? They're right! I do want your money. Because god wants your money. So I want you to go out and mortgage that home and sell that car and send me your money. You don't need that car.”

What about Otto? He is on “the honor roll of the chariots of fire.” Same as them. A gift. From all of them jointly. Megachurch cults were starting the new big thing at the time, apparently, among the early boomers as they as they went from hippie to conservative in the decade of greed as good.

But he is given two appealing alternate worldviews. One by Bud and one by Miller.

Bud, the repo man that introduces Otto to the lifestyle, presents him with his set of values in the form of the “Repo Code.” Every man has to have a code. Bud's basically puts a lot of emphasis on personal responsibility. For him duty, doing the job to the best of his abilities, is his raison d'etre. But. Some of these guys. They don't live by the code. The rival repo men, the Rodrigo brothers--”Gypsy dildo punks”--and several of the gentlemen at the Helping Hand Acceptance Corporation come to mind. This leads to a lot of strife among all those groups (not to mention the nihilist punks that believe in nothing).

The code basically goes thus: “I shall not cause harm to any vehicle nor the personal contents thereof, nor through inaction let that vehicle or the personal contents thereof come to harm.”

Then there is Miller's “lattice of coincidence.” That is, basically, all things happen for a reason because of an underlying interconnectedness.

“A lot of people don't realize what's really going on,” Miller says. “They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidents and things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything. Give you an example, show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, 'plate,' or 'shrimp,' or 'plate of shrimp' out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness.”

While Miller speaks, Otto tosses a copy of Dioretix: The Science of Matter Over Mind by A. Rum Bobb, an obvious spoof of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics, into a trash fire Miller has going. The book was given to him by another repo man, Lite, who tells Otto that the book will change his life. From there it gets a little weirder but elaborates on his philosophy.

“There ain't no difference between a flying saucer and a time machine. People get so hung up on specifics they miss out on seeing the whole thing. Take South America for example. [In] South America, thousands of people go missing every year. Nobody knows where they go, they just, like, disappear. But if you think about it for a minute, you realize something. There had to be a time when there was no people, right? Well where did all these people come from, huh? I'll tell you where. The future. And where did all these people disappear to? [Otto: The past?] That's right! And how did they get there? Flying saucers. Which are really..? Yeah, you got it, time machines. I think a lot about this kind of stuff.”

This all makes more sense with the ending when Miller and Otto ride off in a Chevy Malibu with aliens in the trunk in the movies climax, to give just a bit away. Dude seems insane but there is some stuff there... Anyway, this movie is the fucking best.  

Blood Father was the greatest movie of all time

Blood Father is out there but enjoyable. Mel Gibson acts his ass off in this kickass flick. I watched Get the Gringo, another Gibson movie, a few years ago and really liked it. This one was even better. It is pretty unfortunate that Gibson is such a fucking mess. Dude is killer on the electric TV machine.

I guess Gibson is sort of back. Apparently Hollywood people (and people in general) are over the homophobia, racism, sexism, antisemitism, so forth. But Eastwood is still out. Fuck that guy. Talking to a fucking chair. What kind of shit is that.

This sort of made me realize I can forget a lot of shit about the actors on screen—I assume they are all fucking horrible—unless they are Scientologists. If they worship Xenu or Tom Cruise or whatever and are into their Thetan levels then they are fucking dead to me. I will not watch a movie with a Scientologist in it without mentioning it at least 20 fucking times. Other personal demons—maybe with the exception of supporting Trump—don't usually ruin movies for me.

Pros: Solid performances. Gibson looks fucking awesome and kills it. Taut for an action flick.

Cons: Not the most original thing I have ever seen. Gibson is a racist.

Best line: “I'm afraid of what you'll think about me.” “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.”

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Starts with a girl, who we see on a missing person flier, buying bullets for a gang. She is suspected of stealing from the gang. They go to this house where people were stealing money and kill the guy that lives there. Want her to kill the girl. Drugs and money. Instead she shoots the main gang guy, her boyfriend, and takes off.

Now we see a bearded Gibson. Dude is fucking fit. It is strange watching this with Logan out there because a bearded Gibson looks just like a bearded Jackman. It's fucking so weird. Also, it's sort of a similar movie as both involve the dude with a beard driving around some girl with Mexican paramilitary ties for the whole movie before finally shaving and then dying.

Who wore it better?

But yeah, he is a recovering addict who works in a tattoo parlor. He has also done time. His sponsor is William H. Macy. In his Lethal Weapon trailer, his daughter, the girl from the first scene who has been missing for five or so years calls, freaking out, wanting money to skip town. Been there, man. So far the hopes are high for this movie.

He convinces her to stay with him for one and to dry-out before skipping town. She's freaked out and still using though. The gang shows up. Have a shootout that ends with them tipping the mobile home and the trailer park community mobilizing a militia within minutes. They bounce, he is on parole, and she starts letting him in on what is going on but she is “afraid of what” he will think of her. “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.” So they are wanted by the police. They show up at a hotel they are staying at. Out of nowhere though this terminator, sicario dude shows up. He basically is the fucking terminator. The scene where he is shooting at them as they are fleeing the parking lot might as well have that burp song that played whenever you saw T2.

Make their way to some biker dude's compound. It's that guy that is in all of Tarantino and Kevin Smith's movies these days. The patriarch from Red State. He owes Gibson for taking a rap and doing time. That night he hosts a biker party. He corners the girl at said party. Gives her some biker wisdom. He makes some points but mostly just talks a lot of nonsense. Then he ends up selling them out for a $30K reward. Real piece of shit, this guy. Talks a bunch more shit and Gibson gets the upper hand. Apparently he was some real badass before he went to prison. The biker gang comes at him on the road, I guess since Red State was so loyal, and they have a shootout on the road which ends with a bike hitting a semi head on. It is gnarly and cool.

Getting towards the end here, things get tense and real as per use. It ends with some pretty sweet but low-key action that never goes over-the-top. If you like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, you will like this as it is more or less the same movie but with bikers and Zetas. Plus, Archie from Repo Man shows up a couple of times. Anyone from that movie making an appearance is always a positive.  

Bloodsucking Bastards is the greatest movie of all time

I was all in from the very start of the hilarious Bloodsucking Bastards. Comedy-horror is my go-to genre. While this isn't on the level of Evil Dead II, I'd put it on the upper tier with Detention and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. Few movies genuinely make me laugh out loud. This one did it consistently. All you can ask from direct-to-video features. Highly recommend if you are into comedy or horror.

Pros: Hilarious critique of office culture. Super witty. Great one-liners. GF approved.

Cons: A bit choppy. Takes a little too long to get things going. Though there are kills almost immediately, we don't know what monster we are dealing with until halfway through. A bit sexist.

Notes: Workaholics/Office Space esque. Set up a total slacker work environment. Basically spend their days throwing wads of paper at less popular coworkers and telling HR about how they banged their neighbors and such. Where can I find that job? But seriously, their job looks terrible. They sell shakeweights and penis enlargement pills (with the cringeworthy name Phallicide) over the phone.

Cast is surprisingly mainstream. Main guy is the stoner from Cabin in the Woods, one Fran Kranz. Also has “literally what I said was 'yeah, sure, sir,” guy from Super Troops (Joey Kern), and the guy who gets his head smashed by The Mountain in Game of Thrones, Pedro Pascal. Matthew Lillard from Scream and all those straight to video Scooby Doo movies also makes a cameo. The black dude, Marshall Givens, who plays the intense security guard is also solid. Plus the GF is pretty fly. Grr.

So the main dude is dating the head of HR. She tells him “I love you,” and his response of “Noooooooo” is one for the ages. “You could have called her a bitch and that would have been better,” one dude aptly remarks. This was also the subject of a company memo. A very nice touch.

Everyone constantly tools on the guy who puts on the pools at work. He is eventually the first one to get turned into a vampire. He of course thinks of himself as a god but dies like a tool. In a related note, today at work I sent out an email telling people to sign up for the one I am doing for the company. I am that guy. Duke will win according to this movie. There is your prediction.

Anyway, main dude thinks he is getting promoted to sales manager but the boss brings in his archenemy from college, Game of Thrones (GoT), who boned main dude's college girl friend. In retaliation, main dude turned GoT in for plagiarism which got him kicked out of school whereupon he went to school in Romania and got turnt. As a parting gift back then, GoT punched main dude in the face. Now he wants to do the head of HR just to fuck with main dude. Throws out a lot of little digs main dude's way like in a speech to rally the time he says, “In sales, you say I love you.”

Probably the funniest one-line happens when Super Troopers is heating up a burrito in the microwave and it explodes, caking the inside with filling. He looks in and asks HR, “This is a conventional oven, right?” Fucking hilarious. Another great line comes when Cabin in the Woods is explaining to HR that all of their coworkers are fucking vampires. She tells him he is committing career suicide. He says, “I am not committing career suicide; I am preventing career homicide.” Aw snap. Fucking great. And Matthew Lillard shows up towards the end as one of the execs from Phallicide. Fucking great.  

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) was the worst movie of all time

Love Carpenter. Ranks at the bottom for me. The characters are bullshit. The actors are unintentionally hilarious. The antagonist is a joke. Feels like an unofficial sequel to From Dusk Till Dawn except not as good. Could be in the same universe though.

The movie is the same fucking scene over and over again. It is insane. They will go into a lair. They will fish out a vampire. They will then harpooned said vampire and drag it out into the sunlight where the body instantly explodes into flames while James Woods screams “die fucker, die.” This happens, I shit you not, three times throughout the movie.

Pros: Sort of in the so bad it's good range. A few solid kills. Some interesting concepts (though poorly executed).

Cons: Such shitty acting. Feels half assed. Vampires look dumb. All over the place.

Worst Line of the Movie: “You didn't tell me they could do that.” “I didn't know they could do that.” There was also “Vaya con dios, slayer” and a priest

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.

Notes: James Woods of Family Guy fame. A nonpopular Baldwin and Sheryl Lee (Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks). Woods seems like an asshole. Starts with a vampire hunting militia going into a nest to kill them some bloodsuckers. I've seen this before. These guys suck at it. This opening borders on slapstick comedy. The only male vamp gets stabbed in the head with a steak and when he pulls it out it looks so stupid and fake. Also features the worst line of all time. The Baldwin picks up a vampire skull, in this movie vamps turn into firework displays when sunlight hits them, turns to the priest in their crew, and says, “Nothing like a little head, eh padre?” What the fuck. That is what we are in for.

As the opening scene transitions, we see hands shooting out of the dirt. Vampire? Zombie? In the day so... That transitions into butt cheeks walking to the militia's block of rooms at their shitty hotel. Lots of vamp hunter groupies. None of them are attractive, except Lee who is all over Woods. Gross. The cop who brought them to town to deal with the vamp situation is all like, “when the fuck are you going to stop freeloading and leave.” You're fucking welcome. But I guess they do smash stuff for fun.

El Scorpio from Predator 2 is in this and jesus fuck is he a fuck up in this. In the opening scene he drops stuff and flings open doors like an idiot. At the hotel, out of nowhere, he picks up a lamp and throws it through the window just because.

Super vamp shows up wearing black velvet. Gives Lee a gross vampire orgasm by draining her on the upper, upper thigh. She is basically the deranged Laura Palmer from Fire Walk With Me for the rest of the movie. Then he goes to party and fucking starts slaughtering everyone. The first kill is insane. He spears Bobby Elvis from Sons of Anarchy with his hand and then sort of reverse karate chops him, cutting the guy in half.

That is sick. The vampire's makeup, however, is fucking terrible. Just consists of white face-paint and fangs. Looks like a shitty halloween costume. He is like a super vampire, apparently. The first vampire. Created by the Catholic Church by accident. Through a reverse exorcism. Never heard that one before. Woods has an interesting origin story. Parents were killed by vamps and he was raised by the church to be a master vampire hunter. Pretty cool.

They escape. Drive until morning and then get into a stupid car accident. It's like he just forgot to drive. Now they do 10 minutes of slow-mo walking to the nearest gas station. Fucking dumb. Baldwin is so fucking hostile. He is also no Billy. Woods is dick, too. Starts attacking this priest out of nowhere. Wants to know if he set his crew up. Later he asks him if getting beat up gave him wood. Asks this like it is normal.

Meanwhile, Baldwin is watching Lee who is naked for some reason. Gives her the talk. She goes into the bathroom to change. Baldwin makes her leave the door open so she won't escape. He falls asleep immediately and Lee tries to jump out the window. He pulls her back in, breaking the window. She bites his arm. He knows what fucking happens but lies about getting bit. Come on. Woods's dad pulled the same shit, turned, and killed his mom and tried to kill him.

Plot centers on the head vamp finding this black cross that allows him and his crew to walk around during the daytime. By the time this happens the wheels have come completely off. The end is another one of those what-the-fuck-is-happening moments. When the twist ending happens, the secrete bad guy that shows up fucking says, “the look on your face tells me you couldn't possibly understand why I am here.” Was he breaking the fourth wall? The ceiling is the roof, as MJ would say. Garbage. I don't fucking care. Wow. This was fucking terrible.

The Visit was the worst movie of all time

I know it is cool to hate on M. Night Shyamalan but I like more of his movies than I dislike. This one had its moments where I really liked it and was seriously fucking terrified. However, a lot of it didn't make sense and the last five minutes are fucking horrible and pointless. Should have just ended the movie after the climax. Instead we get inappropriate rapping. It's like the scene at the end of Alice in Wonderland when Johnny Depp randomly starts dancing for a half hour except with a child rapping about getting a diaper full of shit pushed in his face and how that shit did not taste like chicken. What the hell is going on here? I have no idea.

Pros: A lot of good here. Fucking scary. The obligatory twist is insane. Strangeness works in its favor.

Cons: A lot of bad here. Mostly jump scares. The ending is cringeworthy and stupid. Child rapping.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers. I don't give up the ending in this one since the MNS twist is fucking crazy, but I do include lots of plot details.

Notes: Kids are making a documentary about going to their grandparents' house for the first time. Their mother left the house on bad terms a decade and a half before. Mom is sad they are leaving. Cries as she runs next to their train as it rides off. The girl is a dick to the ticket taker then the brother freestyles about sex with his fifth grade girl friend. The first half of the movie is this kid rapping.

Grandparents seem normal. If they were this would be a different movie. They have a 9:30 bed rule. That is when Grams and Pop-Pop get into their weird shit. Nana pukes repeatedly on the floor and the next day while the kids are playing under the house she chases after them on all fours like a crazy lady. After that when she gets up and walks away, her dress is ripped and we see all the way up to one of her butt cheeks. If you are keeping track of the drive-in totals that is one butt cheek. It is insane and sort of hilarious.

Some loser shows up confirming they are actually psychologists of some kind so able to hold down a job. From the shit they say I'd say they are amateur at best. PP says later he worked in the coal industry but got fired after Talks about all the gossip at the hospital. Some recovering drug addict comes by later and basically says the same shit. She eventually comes back and sort of disappears. She shows back up towards the end hanging from a tree out back. This is totally unexplained and goes nowhere. I have no idea what the fuck is up with that.

The grandparents basically start out fucking insane and progress to deranged. I have a rule about getting the fuck out if anything insane happens the first time I go to your house. That is especially true if it involves relations of people. I call it my Blue Velvet rule. These kids should adopt a similar rule.

Around here the kids get to learn about incontinence. Senior moments really start to escalate. PP attacks some guy and puts on a tuxedo for a costume party. NN scratches up and down the wall like a cat. And she is naked. That's two more ass cheeks. Mom says yeah, it's fine. Ask NN about mom. NN makes her get in the oven then NN has a freakout and thrashes about. Can't ask about mom anymore. Also, I bet they provide great medical care.

Sister lets the brother vamp for a while about playing football when he was eight, also, don't let your kids play tackle football when they are eight (or at all). He then turns the camera on her and makes her cry for no reason. They cry about their dad leaving and being a dick.

NN laughs like an idiot at the wall and says she has a deep darkness and she has to laugh to keep it in. Okay. Catch Gramps with a shotgun in his mouth. He is “just cleaning it” he says way too many times to be true. Start secretly filming them at that point. That night NN finds the hidden camera immediately and nearly scares the piss out of me.

Fucking gross

NN starts talking about aliens in the bottom of pond. What the hell is up with this? After watching Going Clear and whats-her-face's documentary, I am pretty sure all of this can be chalked up to Scientology.

And then THE TWIST is fucking insane. What the fuck is happening? The last half hour is genuinely terrifying and total fucking bananas. Except for the last which are fucking dumb.  

Stake Land is the greatest movie of all time

Stake Land—gory, brutal, and at times legit scary—follows a group of vampire hunters on the road living in an undead world. It is bleak as fuck. It is also very well done with plenty of action and strong character development especially when it comes to the two film's protagonists: Martin and Mister.

The movie does a lot with setting. It builds suspense by constantly going from one dark, unfamiliar place to another. Basically, The Road with vampires. What The Walking Dead should be. Contrasts this with the pockets of civilization still out and around. Total dystopian film. This is it's strongest asset. Totally worth a viddy.

Pros: Decent folk cover of “In the Pines” gets belted out by Danielle Harris (whose presence is also a pro). Good, strong characters.

Cons: At times too brutal. Lots of sexual assault and child death.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.

Notes: Opening scene is just fucking brutal. A family works on cars in their barn. Son, mom, dad, baby. Boy hears shit go down in the barn. Starts to go to help. But the main kid gets rescued by some middle aged dude that goes by Mister. Boy's parents are killed by a zombie/vampire/wolfman thing. Mom is dead. Dad is getting there. Hear the baby cry. The thing is up in a corner of the barn. The thing is sucking the baby's blood. When he sees the light on it, he drops the baby from the rafters. That was maybe a little much.

Mister teaches the kid to kill the things. We see they are now living in a vampire/zombie world. There are pockets of living, we come to find, but the two choose to live on the road. Some towns good (New Eden). Some full of cannibals.

Eventually pick up a nun along the way who they witness nearly getting sexually assaulted. Kill the rapists. Stop by what looks like a Jonestown massacre. Red herring. Taken hostage by some bible thumping maniac named Jebediah. He's also a nazi. His son was one of the dudes who sexually assaulted the nun. Jeb throws the man out to the vamps but keeps the boy and nun. The nun he, yep, sexually assaults, while he sends the kid to get water. Of course the kid doesn't come back. Finds mister hiding out in a car. A vamp confronts them. Run her over but she ends up on the side of the car, hanging and biting. End up scrapping her off by running the side of the car into a tree. Great fucking kill.

Go back to New Eden. Dannielle Harris shows up out of nowhere, pregnant, singing “In the Pines” beautifully at a bar. She rolls with them when they hit the road again. Also pick up a black soldier dude. They catch Jeb. The nun, he claims, ran off on him. They leave him out bleeding for the vamps.

Yes!

Come to another colony. This one called Stridington. It is massive. Another hoedown. Nun shows up there. Suddenly, during the reunion, a helicopter appears and starts dropping vamps from the sky. That shit is over. For a while the five of them live out in the wilderness. Then a junkyard. It is here they are attacked by berserkers, a type of super vamp. They lose the nun in this, eliminates her own map, in a somewhat surprising turn.

Back to the wilderness for the surviving four who come to live in camper. Soldier dude goes missing after going out to take a leak in the middle of the night. He dead. Find him in a tree. Killed by a “thinking” vamp who got around their traps silently. Trekking through the wilderness. DH is very pregnant at this point. While camping out, the two men are lured away. DH gets taken. Find her getting tortured in some building by Jeb! who is now a super vamp. Holy shit. Insane. Anticlimactically kill him. DH fucking dies. Major bummer.

Getting towards the end here. Meeting another young, pretty girl at a diner. The kid and her hit it off immediately. Their first date is picking off vamps in the backyard. He kills some vamp dick she went to high school with. They wake up in the morning and Mister is fucking gone. Leaves his necklace behind, not sure what is up with that, and the kid and this new girl are off on their own. Weak ending to an otherwise solid flick.