Blood Father was the greatest movie of all time

Blood Father is out there but enjoyable. Mel Gibson acts his ass off in this kickass flick. I watched Get the Gringo, another Gibson movie, a few years ago and really liked it. This one was even better. It is pretty unfortunate that Gibson is such a fucking mess. Dude is killer on the electric TV machine.

I guess Gibson is sort of back. Apparently Hollywood people (and people in general) are over the homophobia, racism, sexism, antisemitism, so forth. But Eastwood is still out. Fuck that guy. Talking to a fucking chair. What kind of shit is that.

This sort of made me realize I can forget a lot of shit about the actors on screen—I assume they are all fucking horrible—unless they are Scientologists. If they worship Xenu or Tom Cruise or whatever and are into their Thetan levels then they are fucking dead to me. I will not watch a movie with a Scientologist in it without mentioning it at least 20 fucking times. Other personal demons—maybe with the exception of supporting Trump—don't usually ruin movies for me.

Pros: Solid performances. Gibson looks fucking awesome and kills it. Taut for an action flick.

Cons: Not the most original thing I have ever seen. Gibson is a racist.

Best line: “I'm afraid of what you'll think about me.” “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.”

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Starts with a girl, who we see on a missing person flier, buying bullets for a gang. She is suspected of stealing from the gang. They go to this house where people were stealing money and kill the guy that lives there. Want her to kill the girl. Drugs and money. Instead she shoots the main gang guy, her boyfriend, and takes off.

Now we see a bearded Gibson. Dude is fucking fit. It is strange watching this with Logan out there because a bearded Gibson looks just like a bearded Jackman. It's fucking so weird. Also, it's sort of a similar movie as both involve the dude with a beard driving around some girl with Mexican paramilitary ties for the whole movie before finally shaving and then dying.

Who wore it better?

But yeah, he is a recovering addict who works in a tattoo parlor. He has also done time. His sponsor is William H. Macy. In his Lethal Weapon trailer, his daughter, the girl from the first scene who has been missing for five or so years calls, freaking out, wanting money to skip town. Been there, man. So far the hopes are high for this movie.

He convinces her to stay with him for one and to dry-out before skipping town. She's freaked out and still using though. The gang shows up. Have a shootout that ends with them tipping the mobile home and the trailer park community mobilizing a militia within minutes. They bounce, he is on parole, and she starts letting him in on what is going on but she is “afraid of what” he will think of her. “And ruin the great impression you've made so far.” So they are wanted by the police. They show up at a hotel they are staying at. Out of nowhere though this terminator, sicario dude shows up. He basically is the fucking terminator. The scene where he is shooting at them as they are fleeing the parking lot might as well have that burp song that played whenever you saw T2.

Make their way to some biker dude's compound. It's that guy that is in all of Tarantino and Kevin Smith's movies these days. The patriarch from Red State. He owes Gibson for taking a rap and doing time. That night he hosts a biker party. He corners the girl at said party. Gives her some biker wisdom. He makes some points but mostly just talks a lot of nonsense. Then he ends up selling them out for a $30K reward. Real piece of shit, this guy. Talks a bunch more shit and Gibson gets the upper hand. Apparently he was some real badass before he went to prison. The biker gang comes at him on the road, I guess since Red State was so loyal, and they have a shootout on the road which ends with a bike hitting a semi head on. It is gnarly and cool.

Getting towards the end here, things get tense and real as per use. It ends with some pretty sweet but low-key action that never goes over-the-top. If you like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, you will like this as it is more or less the same movie but with bikers and Zetas. Plus, Archie from Repo Man shows up a couple of times. Anyone from that movie making an appearance is always a positive.  

Bloodsucking Bastards is the greatest movie of all time

I was all in from the very start of the hilarious Bloodsucking Bastards. Comedy-horror is my go-to genre. While this isn't on the level of Evil Dead II, I'd put it on the upper tier with Detention and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. Few movies genuinely make me laugh out loud. This one did it consistently. All you can ask from direct-to-video features. Highly recommend if you are into comedy or horror.

Pros: Hilarious critique of office culture. Super witty. Great one-liners. GF approved.

Cons: A bit choppy. Takes a little too long to get things going. Though there are kills almost immediately, we don't know what monster we are dealing with until halfway through. A bit sexist.

Notes: Workaholics/Office Space esque. Set up a total slacker work environment. Basically spend their days throwing wads of paper at less popular coworkers and telling HR about how they banged their neighbors and such. Where can I find that job? But seriously, their job looks terrible. They sell shakeweights and penis enlargement pills (with the cringeworthy name Phallicide) over the phone.

Cast is surprisingly mainstream. Main guy is the stoner from Cabin in the Woods, one Fran Kranz. Also has “literally what I said was 'yeah, sure, sir,” guy from Super Troops (Joey Kern), and the guy who gets his head smashed by The Mountain in Game of Thrones, Pedro Pascal. Matthew Lillard from Scream and all those straight to video Scooby Doo movies also makes a cameo. The black dude, Marshall Givens, who plays the intense security guard is also solid. Plus the GF is pretty fly. Grr.

So the main dude is dating the head of HR. She tells him “I love you,” and his response of “Noooooooo” is one for the ages. “You could have called her a bitch and that would have been better,” one dude aptly remarks. This was also the subject of a company memo. A very nice touch.

Everyone constantly tools on the guy who puts on the pools at work. He is eventually the first one to get turned into a vampire. He of course thinks of himself as a god but dies like a tool. In a related note, today at work I sent out an email telling people to sign up for the one I am doing for the company. I am that guy. Duke will win according to this movie. There is your prediction.

Anyway, main dude thinks he is getting promoted to sales manager but the boss brings in his archenemy from college, Game of Thrones (GoT), who boned main dude's college girl friend. In retaliation, main dude turned GoT in for plagiarism which got him kicked out of school whereupon he went to school in Romania and got turnt. As a parting gift back then, GoT punched main dude in the face. Now he wants to do the head of HR just to fuck with main dude. Throws out a lot of little digs main dude's way like in a speech to rally the time he says, “In sales, you say I love you.”

Probably the funniest one-line happens when Super Troopers is heating up a burrito in the microwave and it explodes, caking the inside with filling. He looks in and asks HR, “This is a conventional oven, right?” Fucking hilarious. Another great line comes when Cabin in the Woods is explaining to HR that all of their coworkers are fucking vampires. She tells him he is committing career suicide. He says, “I am not committing career suicide; I am preventing career homicide.” Aw snap. Fucking great. And Matthew Lillard shows up towards the end as one of the execs from Phallicide. Fucking great.  

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) was the worst movie of all time

Love Carpenter. Ranks at the bottom for me. The characters are bullshit. The actors are unintentionally hilarious. The antagonist is a joke. Feels like an unofficial sequel to From Dusk Till Dawn except not as good. Could be in the same universe though.

The movie is the same fucking scene over and over again. It is insane. They will go into a lair. They will fish out a vampire. They will then harpooned said vampire and drag it out into the sunlight where the body instantly explodes into flames while James Woods screams “die fucker, die.” This happens, I shit you not, three times throughout the movie.

Pros: Sort of in the so bad it's good range. A few solid kills. Some interesting concepts (though poorly executed).

Cons: Such shitty acting. Feels half assed. Vampires look dumb. All over the place.

Worst Line of the Movie: “You didn't tell me they could do that.” “I didn't know they could do that.” There was also “Vaya con dios, slayer” and a priest

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.

Notes: James Woods of Family Guy fame. A nonpopular Baldwin and Sheryl Lee (Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks). Woods seems like an asshole. Starts with a vampire hunting militia going into a nest to kill them some bloodsuckers. I've seen this before. These guys suck at it. This opening borders on slapstick comedy. The only male vamp gets stabbed in the head with a steak and when he pulls it out it looks so stupid and fake. Also features the worst line of all time. The Baldwin picks up a vampire skull, in this movie vamps turn into firework displays when sunlight hits them, turns to the priest in their crew, and says, “Nothing like a little head, eh padre?” What the fuck. That is what we are in for.

As the opening scene transitions, we see hands shooting out of the dirt. Vampire? Zombie? In the day so... That transitions into butt cheeks walking to the militia's block of rooms at their shitty hotel. Lots of vamp hunter groupies. None of them are attractive, except Lee who is all over Woods. Gross. The cop who brought them to town to deal with the vamp situation is all like, “when the fuck are you going to stop freeloading and leave.” You're fucking welcome. But I guess they do smash stuff for fun.

El Scorpio from Predator 2 is in this and jesus fuck is he a fuck up in this. In the opening scene he drops stuff and flings open doors like an idiot. At the hotel, out of nowhere, he picks up a lamp and throws it through the window just because.

Super vamp shows up wearing black velvet. Gives Lee a gross vampire orgasm by draining her on the upper, upper thigh. She is basically the deranged Laura Palmer from Fire Walk With Me for the rest of the movie. Then he goes to party and fucking starts slaughtering everyone. The first kill is insane. He spears Bobby Elvis from Sons of Anarchy with his hand and then sort of reverse karate chops him, cutting the guy in half.

That is sick. The vampire's makeup, however, is fucking terrible. Just consists of white face-paint and fangs. Looks like a shitty halloween costume. He is like a super vampire, apparently. The first vampire. Created by the Catholic Church by accident. Through a reverse exorcism. Never heard that one before. Woods has an interesting origin story. Parents were killed by vamps and he was raised by the church to be a master vampire hunter. Pretty cool.

They escape. Drive until morning and then get into a stupid car accident. It's like he just forgot to drive. Now they do 10 minutes of slow-mo walking to the nearest gas station. Fucking dumb. Baldwin is so fucking hostile. He is also no Billy. Woods is dick, too. Starts attacking this priest out of nowhere. Wants to know if he set his crew up. Later he asks him if getting beat up gave him wood. Asks this like it is normal.

Meanwhile, Baldwin is watching Lee who is naked for some reason. Gives her the talk. She goes into the bathroom to change. Baldwin makes her leave the door open so she won't escape. He falls asleep immediately and Lee tries to jump out the window. He pulls her back in, breaking the window. She bites his arm. He knows what fucking happens but lies about getting bit. Come on. Woods's dad pulled the same shit, turned, and killed his mom and tried to kill him.

Plot centers on the head vamp finding this black cross that allows him and his crew to walk around during the daytime. By the time this happens the wheels have come completely off. The end is another one of those what-the-fuck-is-happening moments. When the twist ending happens, the secrete bad guy that shows up fucking says, “the look on your face tells me you couldn't possibly understand why I am here.” Was he breaking the fourth wall? The ceiling is the roof, as MJ would say. Garbage. I don't fucking care. Wow. This was fucking terrible.

The Visit was the worst movie of all time

I know it is cool to hate on M. Night Shyamalan but I like more of his movies than I dislike. This one had its moments where I really liked it and was seriously fucking terrified. However, a lot of it didn't make sense and the last five minutes are fucking horrible and pointless. Should have just ended the movie after the climax. Instead we get inappropriate rapping. It's like the scene at the end of Alice in Wonderland when Johnny Depp randomly starts dancing for a half hour except with a child rapping about getting a diaper full of shit pushed in his face and how that shit did not taste like chicken. What the hell is going on here? I have no idea.

Pros: A lot of good here. Fucking scary. The obligatory twist is insane. Strangeness works in its favor.

Cons: A lot of bad here. Mostly jump scares. The ending is cringeworthy and stupid. Child rapping.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers. I don't give up the ending in this one since the MNS twist is fucking crazy, but I do include lots of plot details.

Notes: Kids are making a documentary about going to their grandparents' house for the first time. Their mother left the house on bad terms a decade and a half before. Mom is sad they are leaving. Cries as she runs next to their train as it rides off. The girl is a dick to the ticket taker then the brother freestyles about sex with his fifth grade girl friend. The first half of the movie is this kid rapping.

Grandparents seem normal. If they were this would be a different movie. They have a 9:30 bed rule. That is when Grams and Pop-Pop get into their weird shit. Nana pukes repeatedly on the floor and the next day while the kids are playing under the house she chases after them on all fours like a crazy lady. After that when she gets up and walks away, her dress is ripped and we see all the way up to one of her butt cheeks. If you are keeping track of the drive-in totals that is one butt cheek. It is insane and sort of hilarious.

Some loser shows up confirming they are actually psychologists of some kind so able to hold down a job. From the shit they say I'd say they are amateur at best. PP says later he worked in the coal industry but got fired after Talks about all the gossip at the hospital. Some recovering drug addict comes by later and basically says the same shit. She eventually comes back and sort of disappears. She shows back up towards the end hanging from a tree out back. This is totally unexplained and goes nowhere. I have no idea what the fuck is up with that.

The grandparents basically start out fucking insane and progress to deranged. I have a rule about getting the fuck out if anything insane happens the first time I go to your house. That is especially true if it involves relations of people. I call it my Blue Velvet rule. These kids should adopt a similar rule.

Around here the kids get to learn about incontinence. Senior moments really start to escalate. PP attacks some guy and puts on a tuxedo for a costume party. NN scratches up and down the wall like a cat. And she is naked. That's two more ass cheeks. Mom says yeah, it's fine. Ask NN about mom. NN makes her get in the oven then NN has a freakout and thrashes about. Can't ask about mom anymore. Also, I bet they provide great medical care.

Sister lets the brother vamp for a while about playing football when he was eight, also, don't let your kids play tackle football when they are eight (or at all). He then turns the camera on her and makes her cry for no reason. They cry about their dad leaving and being a dick.

NN laughs like an idiot at the wall and says she has a deep darkness and she has to laugh to keep it in. Okay. Catch Gramps with a shotgun in his mouth. He is “just cleaning it” he says way too many times to be true. Start secretly filming them at that point. That night NN finds the hidden camera immediately and nearly scares the piss out of me.

Fucking gross

NN starts talking about aliens in the bottom of pond. What the hell is up with this? After watching Going Clear and whats-her-face's documentary, I am pretty sure all of this can be chalked up to Scientology.

And then THE TWIST is fucking insane. What the fuck is happening? The last half hour is genuinely terrifying and total fucking bananas. Except for the last which are fucking dumb.  

Stake Land is the greatest movie of all time

Stake Land—gory, brutal, and at times legit scary—follows a group of vampire hunters on the road living in an undead world. It is bleak as fuck. It is also very well done with plenty of action and strong character development especially when it comes to the two film's protagonists: Martin and Mister.

The movie does a lot with setting. It builds suspense by constantly going from one dark, unfamiliar place to another. Basically, The Road with vampires. What The Walking Dead should be. Contrasts this with the pockets of civilization still out and around. Total dystopian film. This is it's strongest asset. Totally worth a viddy.

Pros: Decent folk cover of “In the Pines” gets belted out by Danielle Harris (whose presence is also a pro). Good, strong characters.

Cons: At times too brutal. Lots of sexual assault and child death.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.

Notes: Opening scene is just fucking brutal. A family works on cars in their barn. Son, mom, dad, baby. Boy hears shit go down in the barn. Starts to go to help. But the main kid gets rescued by some middle aged dude that goes by Mister. Boy's parents are killed by a zombie/vampire/wolfman thing. Mom is dead. Dad is getting there. Hear the baby cry. The thing is up in a corner of the barn. The thing is sucking the baby's blood. When he sees the light on it, he drops the baby from the rafters. That was maybe a little much.

Mister teaches the kid to kill the things. We see they are now living in a vampire/zombie world. There are pockets of living, we come to find, but the two choose to live on the road. Some towns good (New Eden). Some full of cannibals.

Eventually pick up a nun along the way who they witness nearly getting sexually assaulted. Kill the rapists. Stop by what looks like a Jonestown massacre. Red herring. Taken hostage by some bible thumping maniac named Jebediah. He's also a nazi. His son was one of the dudes who sexually assaulted the nun. Jeb throws the man out to the vamps but keeps the boy and nun. The nun he, yep, sexually assaults, while he sends the kid to get water. Of course the kid doesn't come back. Finds mister hiding out in a car. A vamp confronts them. Run her over but she ends up on the side of the car, hanging and biting. End up scrapping her off by running the side of the car into a tree. Great fucking kill.

Go back to New Eden. Dannielle Harris shows up out of nowhere, pregnant, singing “In the Pines” beautifully at a bar. She rolls with them when they hit the road again. Also pick up a black soldier dude. They catch Jeb. The nun, he claims, ran off on him. They leave him out bleeding for the vamps.

Yes!

Come to another colony. This one called Stridington. It is massive. Another hoedown. Nun shows up there. Suddenly, during the reunion, a helicopter appears and starts dropping vamps from the sky. That shit is over. For a while the five of them live out in the wilderness. Then a junkyard. It is here they are attacked by berserkers, a type of super vamp. They lose the nun in this, eliminates her own map, in a somewhat surprising turn.

Back to the wilderness for the surviving four who come to live in camper. Soldier dude goes missing after going out to take a leak in the middle of the night. He dead. Find him in a tree. Killed by a “thinking” vamp who got around their traps silently. Trekking through the wilderness. DH is very pregnant at this point. While camping out, the two men are lured away. DH gets taken. Find her getting tortured in some building by Jeb! who is now a super vamp. Holy shit. Insane. Anticlimactically kill him. DH fucking dies. Major bummer.

Getting towards the end here. Meeting another young, pretty girl at a diner. The kid and her hit it off immediately. Their first date is picking off vamps in the backyard. He kills some vamp dick she went to high school with. They wake up in the morning and Mister is fucking gone. Leaves his necklace behind, not sure what is up with that, and the kid and this new girl are off on their own. Weak ending to an otherwise solid flick.  

Horns is the greatest movie of all time

Horns (2013) staring the Harry Potter man himself, one Daniel Radcliffe, follows a twentysomething who develops demonic powers and grows horns after being wrongly accused of the rape and murder of his girlfriend. Despite getting mostly shitty reviews, I consider this a solid addition to comedy-horror genre.

This is totally my type of movie. Joe Hill, son of Stephen King and writer of the kickass book NOS4A2, wrote the novel. It’s a little long (they probably could have cut a few of the 50 flashbacks) but it has a nice pace to it, they throw you right in, and they don’t feel the need to explain why this happens (I fucking hate movies that try to explain the unexplainable). Not as fun as say Detention (2011), which is amazing, but it has charm. I will definitely rewatch this movie.

Pros: Radcliffe is amazing. Works well with both horror and film noir tropes. Fun and compelling story. Heather Graham (Grr). Explode police head.

Cons: Too many flashbacks. A little too long. The GF is a terrible fucking actress.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: The beginning starts with a dream that sets up the relationship between Harry Potter and his girlfriend (the movie ends with the same scene taking the movie full circle, which is irritating) as one that looks solid. Then he wakes up to people outside his home, picketing, as everyone in the town believes he is getting away with a high profile type crime.

Now the town pariah, he meets up with a girl who is in love with him. They go home together from the bar she works at. He is wasted and does her. When he comes to, out of the blue, he is grows the horns. Here is where things go bananas. The girl from the bar murders these donuts saying the donuts are making her sick but she keeps eating them like a maniac. HP is all, “what the fuck is wrong with you? This is insane.”

So he goes to the doctor because horns. While there, everyone starts confessing and doing crazy shit while in his presence (a lady admits to doing her golf instructor, the most annoying kid ever talks about wanting to kick her mom in the face, the doctor and nurse do each other after snorting oxy instead of dealing with his horn situation). This happens constantly for the rest of the movie.

Start getting these flashbacks around here. At first they make you sort of nostalgic for adolescence (which is universally terrible) but eventually I start getting annoyed with these. But they set up the story and show that the main characters have been hanging together forever. They also present the early romance of HP and his GF and introduce Lee, HP’s lawyer who has always had a thing for the GF. Spoiler: Lee fucking killed her.

Goes to his mom and dad’s house. Not wise with his powers as walking truth serum. Mom was in the Twilight Zone and Breakdown. Dad was Dexter’s dad. They both fucking suck. Think he did it. Tell him they think he sucks.

Typical hostile take on the media and celebrity worship. The media are always evil. They are shouting the horrible shit they do and what not and HP tells them to beat the shit out of each other, winner gets and exclusive. Bedlam breaks out. Reporters beat each other with mikes, camera men joust with camcorders, male talking head chokes the shit out of a female talking head. It is insane. Sort of interesting considering Radcliffe’s runs with paparazzi but as a former unjustly hated journalist, I will say it's bullshit how they make us all out to be TMZ. Then there is Heather Graham—who looks great, just an older version of Annie Blackburn (her character from Twin Peaks), waitress uniform and all—who lies to the police in some really fucked up ways in hopes of getting on TV and being discovered. She wants to be a star. Has it all planned out. Wants to release a sex-tape and everything.

Full demon HP

In a more recent flashback, we go to HP asking his GF to marry him at the diner that HG works at. She thinks they should breakup instead. He freaks and storms out, leaving her there. Around here we learn HP's brother is a fucking asshole. He and Lee were both sort of hanging around to celebrate the engagement but when it went south they both thought, hey, rebound. Basically, HP's circle is constantly trying to sexually assault this lady.

So HP eventually embraces his new powers which include controlling snakes. It gets to the point where he goes full demon.Skipping to the end, Lee is just slaughtering everyone and acting like a maniac. They have this friend they call meat bag or something gross who is closeted homosexual cop. He shows up to arrest Lee, pulling a shotgun on him. Him and Lee fight over it or something and Lee ends up sort of accidentally blowing this dude's head completely off. It explodes like a Tarantino movie. Anyway, now with his powers in check and completely demoned out, HP goes after lee and horns in the heart. Still sort of alive, the snakes come and lock him down. Finally the sort of snake leader comes and busts through the wound, coming out the other end, then finally like skull fucking dude and going down into his entrails. It was sort of a cheesy end to an otherwise great movie.   

I am Not a Serial Killer is the greatest movie of all time

This flick about an adolescent with psychopathic tendencies on the trail of a serial killer with supernatural powers in small-town Minnesota totally rocks. The kid, who is Culkin esque, and Christopher Lloyd work well together in this fresh look on horror. It’s not often that I see something completely new in the genre. It’s dope. Even the female companion liked it.

Pros: Christopher Lloyd and the kid. Clever. Beats along really well. Story is sort of touching for all the mass murder.

Cons: At times CL’s grumbling is unintelligible. Hard to follow at times. Shitty CGI at the end.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: Opens with the kid hanging around a crime scene. Cop asks him “what’s the prognosis,” which is a weird thing to ask a kid loitering around an active investigation. He’s dead so prognosis negative. Also, the kid isn’t old enough to drive, we see him walking around and riding his bike everywhere, and he has an antisocial personality but his mom, who owns a mortuary, allows him to work in the morgue and sort of play with the bodies that come in which is a little off.

For the first bit of the movie we see the kid going around doing rambunctious serial killer things like tooling on some asshole, playing with dead bodies, and writing reports about BTK to his very patient high school principal’s annoyance. It’s during this time that the kid figures out that the killer is stealing organs as trophies.

He keeps seeing this guy sketching about and suspects him of the murders. CL takes the guy ice fishing and you think this guy is going to kill CL. Classic red herring. CL kills the dude as he is trying to attack CL from behind. Apparently there are bunch of lunatics in this town of 10k. But here we get the first glimpse of some supernatural shits going on as CL has some weird praying mantis arm thing going on. Witnessing this from afar causes the main kid to either cum or piss his pants.

Now the kid does a lot of hanging around CL, witnessing various murders, sort of trying to stop him. The kid also does a lot of helping CL and his wife, who are elderly, with stuff around the house. During this time he keeps leaving CL clues that he is on to him and CL chases him around (though the kid is masked). Even though this goes on for a third of the movie, CL has no idea, maybe, until the end that the person he is chasing is the kid that has been shoveling his steps and putting him in the bath which seems impossible. Then again, at the end he makes it seem he has known all along. It is weird.

Anyway, it comes out that CL is organ harvesting from his victims to prolong his life, a life he stole from some guy many years before (things get a little muddled here). The kid finds a way to slow down the carnage, it has to do with CL’s love for his wife, until it gets to where CL is knocking on deaths door he is in such desperate need for a heart. Eventually, it comes time to see the thing inside CL. Up to here I kept wanting to see the transformation. But then it happened and looked like shit. With the budget you can’t fault the quality of the CGI but they probably could have done the same thing without it.  

The Loved Ones (2009) is the most overrated movie of all time: Also, it is the worst movie of all time

How the fuck does this have a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes? Basically an hour and half of “torture porn” akin to Hostel. Do not watch if squeamish.

This is a fucking nightmare of a meeting the family situation. There is no build up like “Get Out,” for those that have seen it. Dude gets thrown right into the shit and stays there for most of the whole movie.

Pros: Beautifully shot. Sidekick’s subplot, that goes nowhere, is sort of funny at times. Ending is somewhat satisfying.

Cons: Fucking brutal. Even though it’s under that hour and a half sweet spot and moves along pretty well, it still felt like a bunch of stuck could have still been taken out… I like em short.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: Good opening scene. Main kid is being taught to drive by his dad when out of the blue some naked bloody guy shows up causing him to swerve and crash into a tree killing his dad. I like when movies just put you right out in there. Always a good sign that things are going to move along (which they sort of don’t).

Cut to like a year later on the day of some big dance. See main dude and his GF. They have this boring conversation and she leaves. Out of nowhere this girl shows up and asks him to the dance. He says no. Later we find out she means to her own private dance which is just torture.

Main dude’s GF has the biggest neck mole ever. It’s fucking insane. It looks like a trach. Before we get in the shit, she is driving him home. It comes out later that he either hates driving or hates being in the car. This information goes nowhere though and at the end he is driving around no big and runs down his torturer who gradually becomes the terminator.

Sexy!

Anyway, GF drops him off and tells him she loves him. He is basically like, “what?!?”

So dude goes cliff dangling with his dog and gets kidnapped by some weirdo. The kidnapper kills his dog. It’s fucking sad. I hate that shit. I’m basically anti this movie now.

We are now at the kidnapper’s house and the girl who asks main dude out at the beginning is there. Her room is decorated like a psychopath that is really into the color pink. The kidnapper, the girl’s dad who looks like Delmar from Oh Brother Where Art Thou, brings her this hot-pink dress. She changes into it in front of him and he basically drools while staring at her. It’s weird.

Main dude wakes up in a tux at the dinner table with Delmar, pretty in pink, and some older woman with a hole drilled in her forehead. She is just sort of there. The father/daughter duo melt main dude’s vocal cords by injecting them with Drano. The girl then force feeds him chicken and keeps asking him if it is “finger licking good.” Then she makes him lick chicken grease off her fingers after which she asks if he has to take a piss. He is like, “yeah, that’d be nice,” and she grabs her milk off the table and pounds it like a psycho and then makes him pee in the glass else her dad is going to nail his wang to the chair. So he pees and then she threatens to bite his dick off.  This dinner is insane.

Oh, and while all that is happening, at the real dance, the sidekick gets a handy in the middle of the dance floor. They are then kicked out and he and his date do it in the parking lot.

This is too much for him and he like breaks free for a few minutes. They catch him again and nail his feet to the floor with a steak knife. My female companion had to stop watching at this point. She likes crazy shit too but this was just too much.

He is basically just repeatedly tortured for the rest of the movie excluding brief reprieves where he is witness to a slightly more fucked up than typical father-daughter dance until the end when shit goes down. It’s fucked. I’m sorry I watched this movie.

Blair Witch (2016) is the worst movie of all time

Been watching a lot of threequels lately. At movie three filmmakers either go over-the-top and flirt with comedy-horror (the Ghoulies going to college, Toxie going to work for Apocalypse Inc., Freddy saying “bitch” all the time) or reboot (see Jaws 3-D, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Jason wearing the hockey mask). This is in the reboot category and is totally unnecessary.

In this case, I remember liking The Blair Witch Project for nostalgia. Book of Shadows was shit. Then there was this one which basically remade the first one with better cameras and a stupid looking Jurassic Park dinosaur tree monster thing. There were like three ineffective jump scares and a horrible ending. I like pretty much everything; I did not like this movie.

Pros: 1 hour 29 min run time

Cons: Boring. I don’t give a fuck about the half dozen characters in this movie.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain spoilers.  

Notes: The main character is the brother of the girl from the first one (she does not appear in the movie). He finds this YouTube video that makes him think his sister is still alive roaming the woods. She went missing when he was four, apparently, but now the dude looks like he is 35.

Main dude and three others go to the guy’s house who found the footage that became the first movie. He is like 12 so must have been an infant in 1999. Also, racist. He talks everyone into allowing him and his GF to go along. This guy gets more and more ratlike as the movie goes along. By the end he has a disgusting full beard even though the movie is over the course of three days. And he is a complete maniac.

Once they go out in the Blair Woods, or whatever they are called, which are time bending, supernatural, drone killing woods, one girl cuts her foot and something like enters the wound. Now this thing is like living inside her and likes comes out of the many gashes she picks up in the woods. Kept thinking that she would end up getting possessed by this magic bacteria and she would become a witch. But that didn’t happen and she eventually gets killed by the tree monster witch thing.

The rest of the movie was just, “hey, remember this from the first one?” Fucking sucked. Unfortunate as I like the first two and like the other work from director Adam Wingard whose work includes You're Next and The Guest which are both excellent. 

I'm Back, Bitches

I lost interest in this when I was working as a journalist. Writing for pay sort of took the fun out of blogging. Now that I am in IT, however, I want to get back into it. This will mostly be movie reviews and musings. Also, I don't read shit anymore. My eyes aren't what they were six years ago. That and I am steadily employed.