Homicide is the greatest movie of all time

Homicide. "I'm gonna tell you what the old whore said, and this is the truest thing I know: 'When you start cumming with the customers, it's time to quit.'" The third most David Mamet line I can think of written by David Mamet. The first is "Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only." The second, from the same rant, is "You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?" This guy. 

First, fuck David Mamet. He's a Trump-supporting, misogynistic Zionist. Dude does do aggressive, angry male characters well though. This is not a shocker. 

Watched 1991's Homicide as part of Criterion Collection Monday. Gist of the movie is Joe Mantegna (totally carries the movie) a self-hating Jewish homicide detective investigating a seemingly minor murder that ends up maybe being committed by an antisemitic hate group which eventually leads to him committing domestic terrorism for Zionists. Also in the movie are William H. Macy and Ving Rhames, both of whom are solid. 

Like any David Mamet movie, everyone talks like they are coked out of their minds with speech peppered with constant racial slurs and “fucks.” It's pretty solid but I’ll never fucking watch it again. If you like Glengarry Glen Ross, you'll probably like this. 

Like I said, Criterion movie. This director-approved release includes an audio commentary with Mamet and Macy, as well as cast interviews and a gag reel. Couldn’t imagine there is a more inappropriate movie with a gag real. This is in shocking taste... But I'm pretty curious about what is on it.

The Asphalt Jungle is the greatest movie of all time

The Asphalt Jungle. "One way or another, we all work for our vice." Might be the darkest Hayes Code era flicks I've seen, the movie was released in 1950. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth, even for a John Huston movie, but is an undeniable masterpiece. Not my favorite Huston flick, but damn good. 

Based on the 1949 book of the same name by W. R. Burnett. The gist of the movie is a group of guys pull off a major jewel heist in the Midwest only for things to go to shit when the men start double-crossing each other. 

Though you probably won't recognize many of the actors, the performances are flawless. The film stars Sterling Hayden (his performance is stellar) who is the guy who breaks Michael's jaw in The Godfather, Louis Calhern (also phenomenal) who I only recognize from Duck Soup, the talented Jean Hagen (another breakout performance) who played Lina Lamont in Singin' in the Rain, the guy who played Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption, and, most notably, Marilyn Monroe, in one of her earliest roles. 

A lot of cringe with Marilyn's character. Young and Marilyn Monroe at her peak hot, her creepy uncle has some sexual predatory stuff going on with her. That's pretty unpleasant to watch, for sure. But damn, Monroe makes quite an impact on the screen. 

Doing some half-assed internet research, supposedly Huston's first choice for the role played by Monroe was Lola Albright, who was quite a looker herself. When she wasn't available, Huston brought in Monroe for a screen test. He wasn't sure she was right for the part and dismissed her. However, he changed his mind when he watched her walking out the door. According to one Eddie Muller's intro to the Turner Classic Movies Noir Alley presentation of the film, Huston later said Monroe was "one of the few actresses who could make an entrance by leaving the room." I find this claim dubious but somewhat on brand. 

In his autobiography, also a dubious source, Huston claims he felt protective of her and when it seemed some unnamed studio executive was trying to "set her up for the casting couch," screen-tested her for another role, as to get that far in the process at that studio meant boning this asshole. But he didn't cast her and she disappeared. A year later, now with agent Johnny Hyde, she was back to screen-test for Asphalt Jungle. When she came around, Huston recognized her as the girl he'd saved from the casting couch. "She was Angela to a T. "I later discovered that Johnny Hyde was in love with her," Huston wrote. "Johnny was a very fine, very reliable agent, and we were friends, but Marilyn didn't get the part because of Johnny. She got it because she was damn good." I choose to believe that story over the one where he was kind of a creep.

Huston gets my vote for MVP for more or less discovering Monroe and getting insane performances out of this cast of no-names. Plus he maybe saved Monroe from having to bone some skeezy dude. 

2001 Maniacs is the worst movie of all time

2001 Maniacs. “If I had a dollar for every college kid came through here spouting off about flesh eating ghouls, I’d retired along time ago.” Not what you want to hear from the police. Terrible movie, by the by. An over-the-top gory, unfunny comedy horror film. 

Gist of the movie is that a bunch of college kids go to through the Deep South on their way spring break but get caught up this town Pleasant Valley, which, as I sure you know, is not. Things start fine as the mayor, played by Robert Englund, convinces them to stay for the town’s annual barbecue, but then the townsfolk start to killin’ them. Yee-Hah. Fucking die. 

The maniacs are these uneducated hill jacks with fucked up politics obsessed with the South rising again who are stuck in the past. Some racial motivated killings. General northern hate. Pasttimes include pussy strangling and incest. Stars and Bars everywhere. Cannibalism. Typical trip to the South, I’d say. 

Not a good movie. Mostly Robert Englund playing hero all. Bob Shaye’s sister Lin is it. Since Freddy and Lin Shaye are more or less the leads, I assumed it was a New Line movie, but it is Lion’s Gate. Also got a glimpse Kane Hodder. He is the guy that most people think of as Jason Vorhees since he really leaned into the role. Played Jason in  Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, and Jason X. No else I recognize. 

I see it's a remake of a Criterion movie, the 1964 film Two Thousand Maniacs! written and directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.. Shan’t be watching that one. 

The African Queen - John Huston - 1952

★★-The African Queen. "I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating!" Oh calm down Katharine. Saw this in 1999. Fucking hated it. Was hoping this time I'd see something different and appreciate it more. That didn't fucking happen. Love director John Huston. A personal hero. Hated this fucking movie. 

Considered an all-time classic, this is the only movie that Humphrey Bogart (Bogey) won an Academy Award for. Stars him and Katharine Hepburn. He is a gin-guzzling dipshit riverboat captain. She is missionary who really thinks highly of herself. After her brother dies when the Germans come to town and tool on him, she goes with the nearest white man she kind find. Together, the two of them pal around and presumably do some fuckin on the "African Queen" whilst heading down the Nile to blow up a German military vessel in Africa during WWI. Yeah, it's insanely historically accurate, I'm sure. There are other people in this movie, I think, but none of them fucking matter. 

Based on the novel by C. S. Forester, the film was released in 1951. It is listed as the No. 65 American movie of all time according to the AFI's 100 Years...100 Movies (10th Anniversary Edition) list. It was No. 17 on the 1998 list. 

From the stills from this film, you'd expect this to be Driving Miss Daisy with these two old farts plodding around on a boat. Turns out they are supposed to be like five years younger than me. 

Much more interesting than the film itself are the stories that came out of the production. Like Apocalypse Now except more interesting but on a shittier movie. Bogey drank his fucking ass off (he and Huston were the only two people on set that didn't get dysentery which both attributed to only drinking water that was mostly Scotch [he also only ate canned food, which was not the case with Huston, as you'll see), Kathatharine was almost killed in about seven different ways, and Huston ate human. It sounds fucking wild. 

Learned most of this from reading John Huston's autobiography. When dealing with this film he talks all about how he ate some mystery meat stew while in Africa that turned out to be human. Yum!

Gist of this story is that while location scouting, the village he was in had this shitty hunter that made food for everyone. Some pot that consisted of "monkey, forest pig, deer, and you-name-it." Eventually someone did. Native Africans could only carry a muzzleloader and this dude was a shit shot. Huston remarks that he didn't know how this guy could sustain a village when he was so unskilled. But villagers were mysteriously vanishing from nearby areas. When this guy couldn't get game for the pot, he got the meat "the simplest way possible." Barf. But Huston I think got the hunger, saying "I must say I couldn't tell the difference in the taste." Luckily this was before Bogey and Hepburn arrived. "Only a few of us were so privileged as to dine so exclusively." Alright. Can't have the talent munching on long pig. That'd be quite the craft table. 

Anyway. All of this is highly dubious. I've heard that this bio is complete bullshit. But here is something else he talks about in the book. When it came time to use some locals as extras, no one came to the shoot. Turned out that word had gotten out that if you go to the set, John Huston is probably going to eat you. The hunger and all. 

Not sure anyone really earned the MVP for this flick. Bogart and Hepburn couldn't have had less chemistry. He is a drunk, dirty man who has a tight five of mocking animals and has a face like a catcher's mit. Hepburn goes from thinking he is a drunk low-life to being head-over-heels after she sees him jump around like a baboon. Hepburn, on the other hand, is either 30 or 70 here. She basically always looks exactly like this. Could have been filmed the same year as On Golden Pond by the looks of her. 

This movie is nonsense. I feel it was John Huston wanting to go on safari and have the studio fit the bill. The ending involves improptuing a torpedo for god's sake. The movie starts as action, goes hard romance for like 2/3 of the movie, then comes back to action. Nonsense. 

What I Watched: July 2021

Here are the movies/television programs I watched last month. Giving each a one-word review (maybe with some notes), where I watched it, and when it was made. Going to make this a thing...  

Lenny Cooke - 2013 - Criterion Channel - Good - Dude couldn't ball and was an idiot

Confronting a Serial Killer - 2021 - Starz - Great - Focuses on serial killer Sam Little. What a fucking asshole. The journalist, Jillian Lauren, trying to match his victims with unsolved murders is a saint. This guy is fucked and the work she is doing is super noble and hard. She is also incredibly attractive as well as a great storyteller. 

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie - 1972 - Criterion Channel - Terrible

Werewolves Within - 2021 - Apple TV - Great - Fun, comedy horror in an isolated town staring the black dude from Detroiters. Love that shit. Based on a video game, apparently

Let Him Go - 2020 - HBO Max - Great - Really liked it but it is a total bummer of a movie

Most Likely to Murder - 2018 - Hulu - Terrible

The Big Lebowski - 1998 - Buskirk Chumley Theater - Terrible - I fucking hate this movie. Went and saw it in the theater which made it worse. Before it started I was in line for my fancy theater wine. I was surrounded by Dudes and Walters. All quoting the movie at me. Maybe like 50 quotes in three minutes. "The tumbling tumbleweeds," a Donny says to me, addressing me. Everyone looks at me. "I actually hate this movie. I think it's dumb. I'm just here with a friend." Made things awkward for everyone, and I know this was a dick move, but you know what? They all shut the fuck up. 

Nightbreed - 1990 - Shudder - Great

Shut Up and Dribble - 2018-20 - Showtime - Good/Great - Love athletes into social justice

Fear Street: 1994 - 2021 - Netflix - Good

Fear Street: 1978 - 2021 - Netflix - Great

Fear Street: 1666 - 2021 - Netflix - Great - Collectively great. Super fun hard MA, YA programs with some good queer content. Shot in the style of movies from the 90s, 70s, and then movies like The VVitch. Loved it

Night Moves - 1975 - Criterion Channel - Great - Love some neonoir. Also Gene Hackman and a young Melanie Griffith

Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage - Great - Limp Bizcuit, Gen X incels, and the Woodstock founders. Fuck those guys

Old - 2021 - AMC - Terrible - One of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've ever seen

Gunpowder Milkshake - 2021 - Netflix - Good - Bad ladies kicking ass. Not a lot of substance, but what do you want

Tenet - 2020 - Library DVD - Great