31 Days of Halloween: Tim Burton Night: Edward Scissorhands – A Classic if You Can Stomach Johnny Depp's Bullshit

Edward Scissorhands – Tim Burton - 1990

★★★-Day 2 of the Nightmare on Film Street  31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. Tim Burton night. Went with Edward Scissorhands, which I haven’t seen in 30 years. Gist is an artificial man with scissors for hands struggles to find acceptance in a suburban community while navigating love, isolation, and prejudice. Blah, blah, blah.

Gonna start with this… I’m pretty over Johnny Depp’s shit, and this is Johnny Depp at his most Johnny Deppiest. This is a glimpse into how insufferable he would become, with his sort of whiny, shuffling shtick. Get the feeling he is the type of guy that believes he knows what it is like to be a black man getting hounded by the cops because it happened to his character in this movie. 
 
But this film has a lot to like, of course. Casting is dope. Alan Arkan is fantastic in everything. Ditto on Winona Ryder. Dianne Wiest really steals the show though. She is kind of the Gen X surrogate mother, always playing a kind somewhat out of her depth mother in flicks like The Lost Boys, Footloose, and Parenthood. Also features Anthony Michael Hall and Kathy Baker, whom I’ve always had a bit of a thing for since seeing her in The Right Stuff. Even get the legend Vincent Price in his final film role.
 
Quick anecdote about Price that I love, John Waters said he used to pretend Vincent Price was his dad growing up, which makes sense. 
 
Style is top tier. A random still at any point in the film and you can 100% tell it is a Tim Burton movie. Plus it is completely original. Not anything I’d seen up to that point. The ending is lame though. Ryder is old, Depp is young and in a world of shit, and then it is over. Cool. 
 
But the film did give birth to the drinking game “Edward 40hands.” You can do this with pretty much any item, sure, but this is the inevitable most hilarious iteration. 

31 Days of Halloween: Horror Anthology: Tales from the Hood, an Urban Horror Classic

Tales from the Hood - Rusty Cundieff - 1995

★★★★★-Day 1 of the Nightmare on Film Street  31 Days of Halloween Horror Challenge. It has become an October ritual for me (and by extension my partner). Starting things off with an anthology, one I have seen many times in Tales from the Hood.
 
Directed by Rusty Cundieff, he also did Fear of the Black Hat and Sprung, it stars Corbin Bernsen, Rosalind Cash, Rusty Cundieff, David Alan Grier, Anthony Griffith, Wings Hauser, Paula Jai Parker, Joe Torry, and Clarence Williams III.
 
A bunch of urban-themed horror stories that tackle issues like police corruption, domestic abuse, racism, and gang violence, all set within a framing narrative of three drug dealers meeting an eccentric funeral director to purchase "found" drugs while he shares eerie tales. Packaged in a slick narrative with solid filmmaking and acting. Doesn’t get much better than that.  
 
First time I saw this was in an all-black theater in 1995. It totally killed. Especially everything with the segment "KKK Comeuppance." Everyone laughed like crazy at everything the racist Southern senator who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan running for governor. He is setting up his campaign headquarters at an old plantation once owned by a slave-holding ancestor that is supposedly haunted by dolls possessed by the souls of the tortured slaves that used to live there. The hilarity had to do with his colorful racist language. It’s nice when he gets his comeuppance. 
 
I totally thought this movie was amazing then and can confirm it holds up now. This is a near annual watch for me. All of the segments knock it out of the park, and the framing story is phenomenal. 

Zoe Kravitz’s Debut is Perfect Slow Burn Horror

Blink Twice - Zoë Kravitz - 2024

★★★★★--Perfect slow burn horror. Saw people saying the pacing was off because of this. I disagree. 

Brilliant flick. Favorite horror movie of the year, so far. Was not expecting a banger from first-time director Zoe Kravitz. Not at all what I expected in general. The trailer is some great misdirection. Got me into the theater and then pulled the rug out. This is part of what makes the film so great, IMO. 

Gist is a cocktail waitress is invited to a tech billionaire’s private island, only to uncover dark and terrifying secrets. That is all you need to know going in. 

 

Stars Naomi Ackie in the lead. Recognize her from her television work in The End of the F***ing World andMaster of None. Also played Whitney Houston in the biopic I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Rest of the cast includes Channing Tatum, Christian Slater, former MTV VJ Simon Rex, Adria Arjona from that Richard Linklater movie Hit Man, Kyle MacLachlan, Haley Joel Osment, Geena Davis, and Alia Shawkat. Great cast of characters that all work phenomenally together. You love the women in this movie, especially the leads, Ackie and Arjona. Go in with just the trailer and you’ll love it. The trigger warning is real, as this movie is super disturbing. There is one scene where a woman is screaming in this horrific, visceral way. 

 

Light spoilers ahead. The ladies are controlled by a perfume made from the flowers that only grows on the island that causes them to forget. Literal snake oil causes them to snap out of it. Inspired by the Lotus Eater’s myth from the Odyssey where people live on a small island and consume lotus plants that cause them to live in a perpetual state of bliss. Their lifestyle causes them to lose all sense of urgency and forget where they came from or how long they’ve been on the island.

 

Forgetting our trauma is a gift. It can be, sure, but you often need that shit to be who you are in the end. 

 

This was the best horror debut I can think of since Jordan Peele dropped that flick in 2017. Love a chick revenge movie. All the women in this are bad ass. Geena Davis is like a Get Out character. She sort of represents an older generation who didn’t get the memo that “women should look out for each other instead of competing.” 

In a Violent Nature: A Brutal, Unique Take on the Slasher Genre

In a Violent Nature - Chris Nash - 2024

 

★★★★★-Over the weekend watched three of what are being touted as this year’s best horror movies. Blink Twice, I Saw the TV Glow, and this flick. Two of them do not disappoint. This was one of the ones that didn’t.One of the best scenes comes at the end. It’s 10 minutes of driving and talking between the final girl and a lady that picks her up. It’s super intense as the whole time you are anticipating something horrible. One this is for sure, this flick definitely passes the Bechtel Test. 

Gist is a Jason Voorhees-esque killer gets accidentally resurrected in the Ontario wilderness by a group of “teenagers”, whom he then stalks and murders. The cool part about the movie is that most of it is from the killer’s perspective in that video game angle. It’s mostly the killer walking around. Get a lot of long shots of the woods, hearing a whippoorwill in the background. 

 

Directed by one Chris Nash, a Canadian, who also wrote the screenplay. Incredibly strong and inventive debut film. Stars all unknowns in Ry Barrett, Andrea Pavlovic, and Lauren-Marie Taylor.

This is a movie that shows you the stuff you don’t see in most slashers. The time in between kills, for example. This consists mostly of Johnny just playing with bodies and such. Dude is a big fan of overkill. Huge fan. 

 

It is a brutal movie. The kills in this are totally nuts. One that is getting a lot of recognition is one of the best of all time. Hard to overstate how cool it was, this coming from a guy who doesn’t really care about such things unless it is truly something extraordinary. Another one is done all in one cut. We see the killer axe a dude in the head and then hack away at it some more for several minutes as the survivor girl watches on in horror. Think when you are chopping

There is a song at the end of the movie that I absolutely loved. This is over the end credits. 

 

I absolutely adored this movie. The audience score on Rotten Tomatoes is a paltry 44%, which is nuts. I get that it isn’t for everyone, but it’ll make my best of list for 2024. 

A visually stunning film that lingers despite some flaws

I Saw the TV Glow - Jane Schoenbrun - 2024

★★★-Was one of the movies at the top of my watch list. Didn’t think I was a fan. Drags too much, especially at the end. But I can’t stop thinking about it, and have been listening to the soundtrack non-stop.

For starters, it’s not anything I’ve ever seen before. Stunningly stylish. Like the way it was shot. Dreamlike, beautiful, nostalgic, surreal. But the story was pretty meh. Not that I’m the target audience. It’s not for everyone. Saw the director, one Jane Schoenbrun, say if you don’t vibe with this, congrats on having a wonderful childhood. Alright. 

 

I can relate in some ways. Like having a friend that pops in and out of your life that you at some point realize is insane. Also being obsessed with a television show. Have bought many episode guides in my day, especially in the late 90s, when most of the movie takes place. 

 

It’s really touching, and sweet, at times. Super intimate. Very sad. Said to be an “egg crack” allegory. This is moment when a trans person realizes their true identity differs from their gender at birth. The horror is living inauthentically, in living in one’s assigned gender. Not what you’d call conventional. 

 

Stars one Justice Smith in the lead role of Owen. He’s in a bunch of stuff I’ve never seen like Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, All the Bright Places, Detective Pikachu, and Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves. Brigette Lundy-Paine plays his friend Maddy. She was Ted’s daughter in Bill & Ted Face the Music. She gets Owen into the show The Pink Opaque before she goes missing. She shows back up years later saying that she has been living in the show and that Owen should bury himself alive with her to get to that place. He declines and talks her before running off. The Pink Opaque is kind of a mashup of Buffy and Are You Afraid of the Dark. 

 

Owen’s dad in the movie is a real fucking asshole. Played by none other than Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, Robert Durst’s son (JK). Owen’s mom dies and he checks out. Knows something is going on with his child, but is incapable of parenting.

Directed by Schoenbrun, who is transfeminine and non-binary. They have said that Owen’s decision not to bury himself alive with Maddy, along with his ensuing existential crisis, reflects their own fears about possibly living life without transitioning. They also directed the film We're All Going to the World's Fair, which I hated, though it was also critically lauded. Zero-for-two for me. 

 

Scariest thing that happens, for me, is Owen comes up to a downed powerline at one point, which is pretty terrifying. He gets out the car, which you are not supposed to do. Ever. I knew a guy that had his legs blown off doing that. No shit. 

 

Probably a movie that requires multiple viewings. Shouldn’t have to do that. Life is too short to rewatch movies you weren’t that into the first time.

Gritty, Working-Class, Romulus is one of the franchise’s best

Alien: Romulus - Fede Alvarez - 2024

★★★★--Loved it, but it wasn’t perfect. Alien is my Star Wars. Love all the movies, even the ones that aren’t good, likeAlien: Resurrection. As such, I watch all of these through the rosiest colored glasses imaginable and will watch every version of every bit of IP that gets put out there. Because the movie is pretty working-class, the stakes might seem kind of low, but not for the characters, of course. Best to think of it as the Rogue One of the Alien franchise in basically every way. Stand alone flick. Set between two of the original movies. Doesn’t have a huge impact on the other movies. Brings back an old dead guy with horrible CGI. So forth. 

Gist is a group of people and their android butler (jk) board a derelict space station to get cryo-pods/fuel to escape their mining colony on a Saturn moon. This leads to them fighting for survival against face-huggers, Xenomorphs, and shitty “synthetics” as happens in these flicks.
 
The cast is mostly unknowns. Rain Carradine is played by Cailee Spaeny—only thing I’ve seen her in is Mare of Easttown.She is the dead girl. David Jonsson plays Andy, the robit. Others include Archie Renaux as Tyler, Isabela Merced as Tyler’s preggers sister Kay, Spike Fearn as Bjorn, Aileen Wu as Navarro, and Ian Holm who is back from the dead as Rook, another robit. 
 
Director is Fede Alvarez. He previously did the 2013 Evil Dead movie, eh, Don’t Breathe, and The Girl in the Spider’s Web, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. 
 
Some of the stuff I like: the acid blood in zero gravity, the thing at the end (no spoilers), robot maintenance, and getting back to the working-class aspects of Weyland Yutani. Actually, this is the most working-class movie of all the movies, which adds to the mythology. We get a lot glimpses of that over the course of the movies, but this one, these guys are the bottom of the barrel grunts. This also really focuses on the whole immortality goal that becomes so important in the prequels. 
 
Also of note, none of the movies are as unsettling as this one, including the original. This is straight up white-knuckle horror shit. 
 
The guy who plays Andy is great and does a lot heavy lifting. Starts out benevolent, becomes a company man, then goes back to being cool and seemingly feeling guilty. 
 
Soo, I’m really looking forward to Alien: Earth, which takes place about the same time as Prometheus. Bummed we probably aren’t getting a sequel to Covenant. But you never know. Hopefully that a lot of the quests get answered then. 
 
I’d put this at No. 4 on my list of Alien movies. My order from favorite to least goes thus: Aliens, Alien, Prometheus, Romulus, Covenant, Alien3, and Resurrection. 

The real Trap is turning M. Night's daughter into a pop star

Trap – M. Night Shyamalan – 2024 

★★★-Not the trainwreck I’d been led to believe. It’s not Old or The Happening bad. But it’s not Unbreakable either. It’s just a forgettable meh that went on too long. 

 

Gist is a father and his daughter attend a pop concert, only to discover it’s a trap set by law enforcement to capture the father, who is a notorious serial killer. Hell of a setup. 

 

Like every M. Night movie, the trailer makes it look amazing. But then it’s not.

 

I feel like of course M. Night has a pair of nepo babies, but his daughter, Saleka, is serviceable, and her voice is amazing. 

 

Big problem is that the film is way too long. Thought it was wrapping up when they leave the concert, but then there is something like 45 more minutes. Also, requires a lot of awkward exposition. Josh Hartnett was fine. He is inexplicably shirtless for a good stretch of the flick. 

Longlegs - Cage at his Cagiest in this artsy fartsy crap

Longlegs - Oz Perkins - 2024

★★-Critics gushed over this? Not as high on it as everyone else. Thought it way overhyped, overrated, and completely aimless. Yeah, I hated it. Never found it remotely scary, more just cringeworthy. 
 
First, this is Nicolas Cage unleashed. Every time he was on screen there was a considerable amount of sighing and laughing. His performance is way out there. Saw this more or less getting universal praise, which is incredible. 
 
The protagonist, FBI Agent Lee Harker played by Maika Monroe, is maybe psychic with a touch of the tism. All that goes nowhere. Sort of like a frumpier Clarice Starling. Monroe is sort of second banana to Mia Goth when it comes to horror it girls. Done some great work as the leads in The Guest, It Follows, Villains, and Watcher,among others. This was my least favorite of her performances to date. 
 
Her mother is played by Alicia Witt. She is pretty out there as well. Her house looks like all the hoarders I’ve ever known. Mostly think of her from her roles in Urban Legend, Cecil B. Demented, Vanilla Sky, and one episode of The Sopranos. Was just wondering whatever happened to her. Doing shit like this, apparently.  
 

The look on my face every time Cage was on screen

Only other person I recognized was the Jack Crawford type, one Blair Underwood, who was the castrated killer guy in Just Cause, which was a great small town murder mystery from the mid-1990s, when this movie takes place. You might also remember him from LA Law or the sci-fi show The Event from a little over a decade ago. It was sort of one of those Lost/24 hybrids that were all the rage back then. He, too, is awful in this movie. 
 
The movie had phenomenal marketing. The trailer made it look like it was going to be amazing. Creep and dread I expected to be top tier, but no. Got a weird, dream-logic flick. 
 
It did look great. Cinematography was the one thing I can praise. Looked like a Fincher film, but was indeed garbage. Basically artsy crap. 
 
Other major problems I had with the movie: It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s slow and confusing. Felt way longer than an hour and 40 minutes, never a good sign. There was also sort of a compelling murder mystery in there. But good luck following all the literal puzzles involved. Technically great, but no substance. Again, hated it. Do not recommend.

30 Days of Night: A vampire's wet dream

 30 Days of Night - David Slade - 2007

★★--Remember the trailer for this film being great. Produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert of Evil Dead fame. Execution wasn’t really there. Kind of glad I waited 17 years to watch it. 
 
Gist is an isolated Alaskan town that experiences a 30-day-long polar night gets overrun with vampires. Hate when that shit happens. Pretty smart of the vampires though. 
 
Director David Slade has mostly done TV including the first three episodes of American Gods (which where great) and several early episode of Hannibal (also great). He did do a few movies though, like Hardy Candy about a young girl that tortures a child rapist/murderer, it’s pretty decent, and one of the Twilight movies (never saw it). 
 
Stars Josh Hartnett whose career was screeching to a halt (my man is back now though), Melissa George (whom I mostly think of as the mother of the kid that get the slap in the show The Slap [both the American and the Australian version]), Danny Huston of the Huston clan, Ben Foster who was who is always solid and is married to my former queen Laura Prepon,  and Mark Boone Junior, who always plays a crazy guy. Personally think of him as the pizza stealing FBI guy in Se7en. He is in most of Fincher’s movies though. 
 
Fantastic premise—vampires in Alaska during the longest period of darkness—but sort of waste it on non-traditional vampires. Should have stuck with the classic variety. These vampires have pointy shark teeth, have a military-based hierarchy, speak Aramaic or some other weird shit (Romulan, maybe), have a feral quality to them, but look and dress like Danny Huston. These are not fucking vampires. 
 
Early in the movie have an awkward Chekhov's scrap metal pulverizer. Speaking of, get a lot of gore, if you are into that thing. Decapitation is the preferred vampire killing method of this movie. Usually with an axe. Sometimes a shotgun. 
 
Again, it’s not the best, but the premise makes up for a lot. However, never lives up to its potential. Josh Hartnett is alright. Ben Foster is really good but not in the movie for very long. Huston is wasted. The end is lame. It also had potential. Overall, just sort of meh. 

Play Misty for Me: A Cautionary Tale of Sticking Your Dick in Crazy in Clint Eastwood's Directorial Debut

Play Misty for Me - Clint Eastwood - 1971  

 

★★★ - “I did it because I LOVE YOU!” Terrifying shit. What I call “Dude doesn’t know crazy pussy” movies. Pretty good, though not a sensitive portrayal of mental illness. Nor does it pass the Bechtel Test. But it’s fine. Not trying to be a nuanced exploration of mental health. It's a horror movie, and it does that job pretty well. 

The film stars Clint Eastwood, in his directorial debut, who plays a character that's too horny and dumb to survive in society. He's the kind of guy who sleeps with a woman who is stalking him. She does some creepy shit. Then she sleeps with him again. If you’ve ever fantasized about how to blow up your life spectacularly and then went through with it, you probably get what’s going on.  

Eastwood can’t leave it alone either. Blows off the chick he was into to canoodle his stalker. Keeps letting her into his life. Then she gets copies of his keys made, and shit really hits the fan.    

In one of my favorite scenes, two dudes see Eastwood and Lucille Bluth (Jessica Walter) fighting over his keys. They are like, “you okay lady?” and she loses her mind. They are like, “uh, that guy seems to be in enough trouble.” They see the crazy from a mile away, but this idiot, not so much.   

Fatal Attraction takes a lot of inspiration from this flick, another classic in the "fucking crazy pussy" genre. In both films, men aren’t so much oblivious to the clear signs of danger, they just don’t care. Testaments to the power of keeping your dick in your pants.   

In another cool, but gratuitous, scene, Eastwood, his main chick, her roommate, and some stoner work buddy go to the Monterey Jazz Festival which is awesome. Then we get a 70s cliché portrayal of a gay guy, which is less awesome. Eastwood's character tells him to "go cruise some sailors or something", to which he retorts something about hating seafood. Real nice. Not exactly a shining moment for representation.   

The violence in the film is intense and realistic. Been watching a lot of O.J. stuff. The idea of being attacked by someone with a knife is terrifying, and the film doesn't shy away from showing the brutality of it.    

Like when Walter slices the cleaning lady up for seeing her out of her fucking mind. Though it gets unrealistic, or some weird statement about the justice system from old right-wing Eastwood, when dude is at work and gets a call from Walter after she’s gotten out of the psych ward. He takes all this way too nonchalantly. Then he wakes up to her trying to stab him. But it’s cool as this guy takes stab wounds like a champ, which is also obviously not super realistic.   

In summary, if upon meeting a woman, she knows everything about you and tells you she loves you within a couple of minutes, don't fuck her.