Saturday, May 2, 2020

Maniac is the greatest movie of all time

Maniac. "You wanna meet me someplace?" "Where?" "The back seat," Disco Boy, played by Tom Savini, says from the front seat of the car. My grandpa told my dad to never let me watch two movies,   knowing the type of kid I was, The Fly and Maniac. I was five and all. But my grandpa worked nights, and the next time I spent the night with my grandparents immediately told my grandma I wanted to see The Fly. She encouraged my watching crazy shit at a very young age. But I never got around to Maniac. I think I'm pretty glad I indeed waited 33 years to watch this. I fucking hated it and found it extremely disturbing. But I recognize it was quality. Greatest movie of all time.

Gist of the movie is a very sad, completely antisocial psychopath, one Frank Zito, played by Joe Spinell, murders a shitton of women in New York City, stealing their scalps as his trophy. Only reason I watched it was because it was Joe Bob Brigg's Last Drive-In with Tom Savini as a special guest. Otherwise, probably would have turned it off after the first 10 minutes. There is a fucking brutal garrotting with piano wire in the opening scene that doesn't bode well. Then we hear the killer drone on in his antisocial way, frequently brutally killing women and gruesomely slicing off their scalps. And I'm checking out. Tom Savini's head exploding scene is fucking incredible, though. Like Scanners except better. Warning, this shit ain't fucking around.

Directed by one William Lustig, the film was released in 1980. Got remade in 2012 with Elijah Wood as the killer, which is weird and something I'll never watch. Most the women in the 1980 version of the movie were porn actresses, including one Sharon Mitchell who seems to be have done some good since leaving porn, check out this NSFW link, or maybe not. Only person I recognized besides Savini was actress Caroline Munro. She plays this fashion photographer that killer dude is obsessed with but doesn't try to kill until late and she fucks him up. She was in the infamous Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter and The Spy Who Loved Me. She's a pretty lady. I think she can do better. Also, I'm gonna need to go through the Bond flicks at some point here.

Hard to say who won this among Lustig, Spinell who stared in and co-writer of the film with one C. A. Rosenberg, or Savini for doing what he does. Lustig puts it all together, and Savini made his own head realistically explode. But I've got to give it to Spinell for writing it and his acting. I mean, this is Last Podcast on the Left shit. I was really disturbed through the whole movie. This was legit what I'd imagine a real psycho's day-to-day to be like. It really ain't pleasant.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

MacGruber is the greatest movie of all time

MacGruber. Dead at the age of who the fuck cares. I'm a little embarrassed at how much I laughed at this movie. I was a little fucked up and this really got me laughing. A few times. Him boning his ghost wife in the graveyard and getting a view of what another in the graveyard sees, him humping the air like a maniac in front of a tombstone, that shit was funny. Movie, however, was not well received by critics. But what the hell do they know. Multiple LOL causing scenes. Not often a comedy gets one genuine one. What more could I ask for? Greatest movie of all time. 


One of the better SNL skits turned movies. Gist of this flick is that MacGruber, a former Navy SEAL/Army Ranger/Green Beret and recipient of 16 Purple Hearts, goes back to work for the US Military to stop his nemesis, Dieter Von Cunth, who is planning on detonating a nuclear warhead at the State of the Union. MacGruber fucking hates Cunth for killing his soon to be wife at their wedding as they are exchanging vows. He teams up with a first-year with no combat experience, played by Ryan Phillippe, and his dead fiancee's best friend, played by Kristen Wiig. 

Staring in this movie are is Will Forte as MacGruber. Wiig as work partner and love interest Vicki St. Elmo, MacGruber's. Maya Rudolph as the dead fiancee. A shitton of wrestlers: The Big Show, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Kane, and MVP.  Powers Booth whom I mostly think of as Senator Roark from Sin City and the sequel--he plays the army guy that recruits MacGruber. And Val Kilmer plays the heavy, Cunth, but I'm just going to call him Val Kilmer. It was directed by one Jorma Taccone of the comedy trio The Lonely Island. 

Basically going to try to explain why this shit is funny, which is always a tall order. Just know that it's basically Will Forte throwing 100 miles an hour for two hours. Example, throughout the movie, MacGruber tells like eight to ten dudes that he is going to rip their dicks off and feed it to them. Eventually, Val Kilmer calls him out on it and MacGruber is like well, I've got a killer line I'm going to say to you! At the end, during their final showdown after Kilmer has survived an explosion that resulted in excessive burning, Kilmer is all giddy, telling him to say the line to him. MacGruber says "how's your dick taste while reaching for it in the guy's pants. No dick. "Haha. It got burned off in the explosion." This causes MacGruber to go into a blind rage and do this: 



Then there is this little ditty of an exchange that had me fucking dying. 

Piper: Why did he do it, why did Cunth kill your wife?    
MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea.    
We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. After graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man, and right about that time I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to uh, let eat out my butt.    
Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me, she was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it obviously, so we could start fresh, and she agreed.    
We were so in love. He took that from me.    
Piper: That's really fucked up.    
MacGruber: Thanks.
I couldn't stop laughing through this shit. Anyway, though Forte was fucking insane, I thought that Wiig won the movie. That chick is so great in everything and always steals the show. Not quite on the level of Kate McKinnon, who I think is maybe the funniest SNL cast member of all time, but she is always great. Perfect in this. And her and Forte obviously have comedic rapport. 

Side note. There is a scene where Wiig dresses up like MacGruber to act as a decoy in a Starbucks. He makes her order his drink, he's all about that Tazo Tea, and when she drops the change in the tip jar, he tells her through her ear piece to fish it out, he would never tip. They then meet back up both dressed as MacGruber. This would be a dope couple Halloween costume. I think that is what I and my female companion may go as this year.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Fido is the greatest movie of all time

Fido. I'd say I'm a pretty darn good father. My father tried to eat me, I don't remember trying to eat Timmy... I knew you wouldn't eat me, boy! Expected this movie to be terrible. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. Think Lassie, except if Lassie were a zombie. Had to be the pitch for this. "Go get help, boy!" as his bullies turned zombies reanimate while he is tied up. "Is Timmy in trouble boy?" his mom asks when Fido gets to the house. Shit is genius.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Making the most of its thin premise, Fido is an occasionally touching satire that provides big laughs and enough blood and guts to please gorehounds.

Carrie-Ann Moss, a pretty lady
Gist of the movie is radiation turns all the dead people into zombies. Seems to be in the same universe as Night of the Living Dead. Show clips from it in news reels. Seen that flick probably in the 10-15 time range. I know footage of that when I see it. Everything else is 1950s Americana. Anyway, in this universe they have figured out a way to control zombies via a shock collar that also has mind-control capabilities. Now, the zombies are more or less slaves, doing menial labor. Some of them are also kept pets that do house chores... Some people even bone them. Which was pretty gross and sad. Then sort of touching. But then you realize that they are pretty dumb and definitely in this against their will. So there is that, which I don't recommend dwelling on, as I am, obviously.

BUT! A suprisingly moving and touching movie. Lot of pain, these people are carrying. Might be the whole being locked down and what not. But I feel your pain, movie people.

The kid who plays Timmy, as in Timmy and Lassie, is some kid I've never seen named Kesun Loder. Things haven't gone well for him since this movie came out. He also now goes by K’Sun Ray, which is dubious, at best.

His mom is played by Carrie-Anne Moss, whom I'm extremely attracted to, especially in Momento. Meow. Fido is played by one Billy Connolly. I think I recognize him from the Hobbitt movies, but I'm not sure. Other people you'd know are Dylan Baker who always seems to play a child molester or a bitch, Henry Czerny (total that guy), and Tim Blake Nelson. TBN is always great. He's the "Gofer Everet" guy from Oh Brother Where Art Thou? He is the guy having sex with a young zombie who died of a brain aneurysm. Jesus, man. But luckily this behavior is pretty much seen as socially unacceptable, and not that widespread. Though there was a moment I thought CAM was maybe going to ride Fido, which doesn't happen, thankfully.

Winning the movie is the guy who plays Fido. That guy has to be perfect for this to work. Emotive AF while also making you think he would probably eat another boy's face off. No universe does he not win this shit.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Downtown 81 is the okayest movie of all time

Downtown 81. I'm an artist. When you tell people that they usually say, 'what's your medium?' I usually say, 'extra large.' It held my attention, but I was disappointed that it did when it was over. Nothing really happens other than a bunch of people play music and Jean-Michel Basquiat walks around early 80s New York and hangs out with interesting people as he was want to do.

Homeless leper Debbie Harry
There was a point in this movie where I thought this was the worst soundtrack of any movie ever. This is likely a controversial statement, as I imagine there are people out there that think it is the best. A snapshot of post-punk era Manhattan. Yeah, I hear ya. I don't really know anything about any of that. Blondie, I know her. Early in the film there is this band who's lead singer/guitarist I wanted to stab. The band, prep punk singer/guitarist who may have never sung or played guitar before this performace, a pretty Japanese woman who was getting it on the drums that spoke no English, and a bassist that was speaking Spanish and went between playing his instrument and mashing it at random. They weren't playing bad music with charm. It was half good music with experimentally bad music playing on top of it. I fucking hate that shit. Band called James White and the Blacks. Sort of the same shit. The Blacks, I dug. James White, taking a sax into the crowd and playing in people's faces, can go fuck himself too. But there were some performances I really dug. Kid Creole and the Coconuts turned this whole ship around. Like the ska B-52s. Check out their shit. For real, it's dope. 

The gist of the movie is Jean-Michel Basquiat gets out of the hospital. Not told what for. Gets evicted. Meets a chick. Falls in love. Looks around for her whilst trying to sell a painting. Band he's in gets robbed. Goes to various clubs. Sees the chick he was in love with and she is bouncing around said clubs, maybe ignoring him as he follows her from a distance. She doesn't live up to his expectations so he blows her off even though he needs a place to stay, with him being newly homeless and all. But he walks around an ally, sees a homeless and gross Debbie Harry. She tells him she is a fairy godmother and will grant all his wishes if he makes out with her. She is done up like a homeless leper so he isn't super into it but does. She turns into Blondie and gives him a suitcase full of money. The fucking end. Fab 5 Freddy also has a cameo. Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly. DJ spinning I said 'My My.'

Jean-Michel Basquiat wins the movie. Hell of an actor, that guy. Can also paint. Not that great of a drawer or poet though. 

Friday, April 10, 2020

Cookie's Fortune is the worst movie of all time

Cookie's Fortune. Nobody in this family commits suicide. Suicide is a disgrace. Only crazy people commit suicide. Man, this movie is a bunch of bullshit. Hey, quick thought, can this movie use the word "cookie" a few more times? That would just really touch me.

Robert Altman movie. He of the M*A*S*H*, The Long Goodbye, and Nashville fame. Second of his movie's I've watched this week. Gosford Park, the first, was sort of meh. Gave it the greatest of all time, but I think that was bullshit. It was a garbled mess. This is so much worse. I don't think I care for Robert Altman. RIP.

Congratulations
Solid cast includes Ned Beatty, Glenn Close (who I guess won the movie), Charles S. Dutton, Lyle Lovett, Julianne Moore, Niecy Nash from Reno 911, Patricia Neal, Chris O'Donnell, Liv Tyler, and Courtney B. Vance.

Gist of this movie is Cookie, who is this rich old senile broad played by Particia Neal, kills herself. Her sister, maybe (I'll get into that later), played by Glenn Close, and niece, Julianne Moore, find her, destroy evidence, and make it look like a murder. Charles S. Dutton gets blamed. Shit goes off the rails.

Man, I can't get over what a shitshow this turned into. After it gets wrapped up with Glenn Close getting charged with the murder because of a fuckton of physical evidence she leaves behind, they drop this bombshell that would have ruined a better movie. As this was already shit, it made my head throb. Basically, the end becomes this fucking mess of a garbled family tree out of nowhere for no fucking reason. The whole movie, Glenn Close is Julianne Moore's mother who is Liv Tyler's mother. Then, they get some complicated blood evidence and, like, I thought it meant that either Glenn Close was Liv Tyler's mom or Patricia Neal. But I have no idea because Liv Tyler starts saying stuff like "my daddy is my uncle, my sister is my aunt, my daughter is my sister, my momma is god knows who." It's the end of the movie, what are we doing here? Let's make everyone question who they are related to in the most confusing way right here before rolling credits. What the fuck is happening? I don't know who shat who out, and I'm not sure most the characters know either.

Lot of bullshit with this movie. Julianne Moore's character is real dumb. Like practically drooling dumb. But she is the star of this play within the movie (Oscar Wilde's "Salome") and is this amazing actress. No one comments on how dissonent this is so I'm guessing that it is just Julianne Moore going for it and being sort of out of character. Also, everybody pretty much knows that Patricia Neal committed suicide, but Moore and Close couldn't get their stories straight, so the law is like, ha, you dumb bitch, you are fucked now. So basically, everyone is just okay with Glenn Close wrongly going away for murder, and they know it. I mean, she is terrible. But so is this movie.

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Satanic Panic is the worst movie of all time

Satanic Panic. Are you by any chance, a virgin? That's a very personal question. She's a virgin... I should stop drinking. Judi Ross: You really wanna face this shit sober? Yeah, not really. Comedy horror that is neither funny nor scary. That virgin line would have been okay if it weren't already done in What We Do in the Shadows. This was sort of a chore to get through. Though the main girl is alright.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: It isn't terribly devilish or particularly pulse-quickening, but Satanic Panic remains an entertaining midnight movie that forgiving genre enthusiasts will enjoy.

Gist of this shit is that a broke pizza chick goes to a rich neighborhood outside of their delivery area in hopes of getting a decent tip. She gets no tip. Gets pissed. Does a bit of B&E. Gets volunteered for sacrifice by an order of Satanists who need a virgin to birth a demon. You know, shenanigans. But shit gets all fucked up.

Stars you'll recognize include Rebecca Romijn who looks incredibly different with dark hair (still a very pretty woman, just not herself) and Jerry O'Connell who just plays sleazy dick-bags these days (total sleazy dick-bag who offers to bone the virgin so that, you know, she isn't a virgin). Others you probably won't: AJ Bowen who is in a shit ton of mumblecore flicks like House of the Devil, The Sacrament, and You're Next; Hayley Griffith who plays the pretty virgin girl that almost moved me to tears; Ruby Modine who was the killer in Happy Death Day; and Arden Myrin whom I swore I recognized from something before deciding it was Isla Fisher I was thinking of (it's this face she makes).

Giving the win to this Hayley Griffith chick for her monologue about her boyfriend with cancer who can't really have sex, hence her virginity. Surprising amount of feels there. Wasn't expecting that. You get it, girl.

Monday, April 6, 2020

The Hunt is the okayest movie of all time

The Hunt. "Globalist elite liberal cucks." This movie. Blumhouse flick. Extremely polarizing. Political satires do that. I thought it was fun but problematic. Controversial, supposedly. I get it, for sure. A lot of people saying it wasn't worth all that drama. Probably right. I mean, it was just a movie that no one was going to see that didn't really say a whole lot. Like The Joker but not exactly going to get a standing O at Cannes. I think it was supposed to offend pretty much everyone, but I suspect it gets Trump supporters more accurately than the "liberal elite." It is sort of lopsided. As a liberal, I don't identify with anyone. Maybe the main chick, but not really. For the right-wingers, there is probably a stereotype for you.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The Hunt is successful enough as a darkly humorous action thriller, but it shoots wide of the mark when it aims for timely social satire.

It's alright. Love the main girl. Betty Gilpin from GLOW. Not crazy about the MAGA agenda. Gist of the movie is that twelve mostly "deplorables," self-identifying, wake up in a field and are hunted by liberal elites for being terrible. These are the type of people that kill endangered species and throw around words like "cuck" and "snowflake." This hunt was sort of a Pizzagate type of myth in conservative talk cirlces. People were getting shit for it like liberals do when jokes are made so they figure, if we are going to lose our jobs and what not for this joke, let's do it for real. Whatever. It's dumb. Also, this is basically how Trump supporters see themselves: persecuted by liberals for their racism and cruelty. Fuck off.

Most of the people are easily dealt with. They are all real dumb. Not Gilpin though. She is basically The Bride from Kill Bill. Like Kill Bill, the action is pretty sick. I'm usually not a big fan, but I love the close-quarter, hand-to-hand shit that this Gilpin chick and the heavy, played by Hilary Swank, do so well. Their final blowout is indeed amazing. Top three chick-on-chick fight scene, for reals.

Bone I have to pick is that there is a pig and it dies. Have to watch it used as bate and get shot. Too sensitive for animal shit. Favorite scene though was when everything that goes down in the convenient store. This is shit is cray and not going to spoil it. When they find out where they are is also pretty fun. Plus, you know, the fighting.

People I recognize are many.  Ike Barinholtz who is the dumb guy in everything who is probably most known for The Mindy Project (I like this guy), Macon Blair from Green Room and Murder Party which are both solid AF, Dennis from It's Always Sunny,  Justin Hartley from that show I don't watch This is Us (he is the drunk one, so I'm told), Amy Madigan who was the mom in Field of Dreams, Emma Roberts from American Horror Story and Scream Queens, the singer Sturgill Simpson who is really having a moment right now (see The Dead Don't Die), and a much thinner Ethan Suplee who was the fat guy in Varsity Blues among other things whom I was happy for but then realized he is a Scientologist so fuck him.

No way that Gilpin doesn't win the movie. This probably launches her into stardom. But maybe not considering COVID-19 is tanking everything and probably ruining box office numbers/careers that aren't super established.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Gosford Park is the greatest movie of all time

Gosford Park. If there's one thing I don't look for in a maid, it's discretion. Except with my own secrets, of course. What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: A mixture of Upstairs, Downstairs, Clue, and perceptive social commentary, Gosford Park ranks among director Altman's best.

Been fixing to watch this movie for going on 20 years. Started it three times. Got confused. Gave up. Finally finished it this time. Love a good murder mystery. Wanted something like Knives Out. Yeah, sure, this was like Knives Out with 400% more people and 400% more confusion.

Gist of this is that a rich family and some socialites gather at the castle of this rich factory owner. They all have servants and there is a dichotomy between the classes. Everything that is happening above is also happening in the servants' quarters, just with less prestige. There is even a hierarchy based on who they work for which is a great little social commentary. You see, none of these rich people can do anything by themselves. Patriarch (played by Dumbledore) ends up dead. Everyone is sort of a suspect but the inspector is a complete idiot and lets everyone go. No just for Daddy Warbucks. Also, Professor McGonagall is also in the flick. They pretty much have the same relationship except slightly more tumultuous.

Directed by Robert Altman. Cast is pretty stellar. MVP was Helen Mirren, who is the head of the personal servants, but notably not the cooks. She is such an emotive star who has a lot going on. Close second for Clive Owen who is always damn cool.

Others you'll recognize are Stephen Fry, Ryan Phillippe who is this extremely rapey dickhead (no one likes him in either class, except for this rich bitch that he bones and the Hollywood producer guy [who played the President of NBC on Seinfeld] he is boning that brought him there), Tywin Lannister who is pretty much Tywin Lannister in this flick, that Richard E. Grant dude from Can You Ever Forgive Me? and Hudson Hawk, Emily Watson who was the blind chick in Red Dragon, and Kelly Macdonald (who I thought was Kate Winslet) who I guess was sort of the star. She's good. Reminds me of an ex I used to have. Everyone else basically looks like a rich person from 1930s England.

Issue I've got. Also, spoiler. Owen's character grows up in an orphanage. His dad was Dumbledore whom he is there to kill. Says his mom is dead and dad abandoned him. Has a picture of his ma that he takes with him everywhere. His mom is not dead, it turns out. She is fucking there, it's Helen Mirren, who poisons Dumbledore before dude gets a chance to kill him. Cops are sort of like, well it's weird that he was poison and stabbed. Oh, well. We are terrble at this. That is not what I took issue with though. It's that he has a younger picture of a highly visible woman that all these people know and see like all the time and he shows this photo to everyone. No one recognizes Helen Mirren? She looks under 50. I'm pretty fucking sure someone is going to be like, "hey, that looks like that bossy bitch who tells us who the fuck is what." But no one does. Could have reconnected with your moms, bro. But she cray.

So yeah. How was the flick in general? Greatest movie of all time, sure. Again, love a murder mystery, especially a period one. Especially of the Agatha Christie variety (fucking love that shit). But worth the 19-year wait? Nah. Also, the rich men go out and just shoot a bunch of probably now extinct birds. Great going, guys. I hope they all lose their fortunes in the war then get poisoned and stabbed post-mortem.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Bacurau is the okayest movie of all time

Bacurau. Movie I totally would have enjoyed 10x more had I seen it at the IU Cinema communally with a bunch of people on that amazing screen with that sick fucking sound system. In my bedroom, the only TV with a streaming device that supports Kino Now, where I rented this, not a great experience. But it was still a solid(ish) movie. It was the third Brazilian movie I can think of that I've seen and ranks third among those flicks. The other two were Black Orpheus and City of God, so distant third.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Formally thrilling and narratively daring, Bacurau draws on modern Brazilian sociopolitical concerns to deliver a hard-hitting, genre-blurring drama.

Ger
I generally like these sorts of movies. Twist on the whole home invasion premise. From the trailer, thought it was an alien invasion movie; spolier, it ain't. Flying saucer is a sweet-ass drone. Would totally buy that fucking thing with my stimulus check, if you know what I mean. But this takes place in the future and we don't have that shit yet. Anyway, gist of the movie is that townsfolk are being hunted by white people, one of them a Nazi, all of them sociopaths. Never exactly clear why. Thought it was over a water dispute, but it might be because the mayor of a near-by city is going to maybe lose reelection. Apparenlty they are able to vote for some city's mayor even though they are in what I'd say looks like the county. I have no idea how elections work in Brazil, but I guess these 100 people are really going to make the difference in Bacurau.

Speaking of there being 100 people, they get shipments of water and coffins every other day or so. The coffin-to-person in town ratio is way off as they get like 15 to 20 on the regular. What are you doing here? One person dies naturally in this town and like nine people, including the gringos, are killed. In what I hope is an outlier of a fucked up week, they still have a surplus of coffins.

Even has the gap in his goddamned teeth
Speaking of dumb shit, so the way we find out the mayor is in on it is the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life. This guy, the fucking mayor that everyone hates, after all the gringos have been killed, shows up at the end like WTF. He walks past the village people who are all covered in blood and have guns and are obviously controlling the fuck out of this town. Goes up to like "the guy", who is more or less the Brazilian Lawrence Fishburn of the early 1990s, and some narco guy who has wanted ads coming over the radio, is living the Mad Max lifestyle, and has a truly incredible mullet (he is clearly not to be fucked with), and is all, "uh, what happened to all those white people I hired to kill you guys?" Holy shit. What the hell did I watch? He then tries to backtrack but he is obviously totally going to die.

Starred the Brazilian Larry Fishburn (Thomas Aquino) who was cool as hell and probably won the movie, some attractive woman with curly hair named Bárbara Colen, and Udo Kier who I think of as the asshole that owned a shark in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Also, some lady I sort of recognize named Sônia Braga who dated  David Lee Roth, Robert Redford, and Clint Eastwood, which is one hell of a trifecta. Her character starts out unhinged for some reason and then we see she is a doctor and reasonable, but strange. Yeah, this movie was weird.

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Ma is the okayest movie of all time

Ma. More like meh. "There's something off about Ma." "That bitch is crazy." That she is. Personal favorite quote is "There can only be one of us," Ma says whilst painting the black dude's face white. This movie was really not the best.

A movie about kids that "hey miss" a lady, she buys them booze, has them over to her house, and plots to murder them all in this act of revenge that is out there and completely implausible. Not really going to poke a bunch of plot holes in this. Just, like, what was she going to do if they never stopped her outside of the liquor store? I guess this was sort of a crime of opportunity, but this bitch was fucking ready for this shit. Don't really need for this shit to be possible, I guess, but it just adds to the overall, well-I-guess-this-is-happening vibe of the movie.

Speaking of, there were about five times in the movie where I had to back up and be all, what the fuck is happening? Where are they? Juliet Lewis is just going to sleep on this shit? Wait, they went back Ma's house? What is happening? Why the dog's blood? So forth.

Who are they even?
Bunch of people I sort of recognize and kids I don't. Crazy ass Ma is that Octavia Spencer chick from The Help. Juliet Lewis playing the shitty mom of the main girl. That Luke Evans dude from The Hobbitt movies who I always think is another dude from Game of Thrones. Missi Pyle who is a total "that chick" whom I always think of as the sexy alien from Galaxy Quest. Kids I may have seen but no idea. Also, Kenyon grad Allison Janney, for some reason.

Lot of ignoring red flags in this one. I was once a kid who wound up in a situation like this. I would have more been like an extra in one of Ma's big parties near the end for this comparison. It went down like this. I was a freshman or sophomore in high school. Dude I was buddies with who I was actually distancing myself from who was headed down a bad path (not really a friend you call when going through a rough patch, in case you couldn't tell) talked me into going to a party. He drove. This was pre-driving days for me. I get there and it was a bunch of kids (dudes, almost exclusively) I either didn't know or didn't care for and like one obviously 50-year-old man who was claiming 28. Everyone was fucked out of their minds except me. Yeah, got a bad feeling and demanded someone take me home. Got called a bitch or what have you, but I was not fucking around. Have a hard-fast rule about immediately leaving a fucked up situation on foreign land, if you know what I mean. Well, don't talk to any of these people for like a month when dude I was originally buds with shows up for the old surprise visit with 50-year-old dude. My parents were not around and I had enough sense to not let this dude in my house. It was awkward as shit but fuck that, main, and fuck you for bringing this creep here. More time passes. Bud calls me up for my now monthly disinterested call. Tells me that that dude was drugging the guys he was bringing over, molesting them, and was indeed 50-years-old. Cops want to talk to everyone. You aren't telling me anything I don't already know and also we are not friends anymore. This is what was going through my mind the whole fucking time I watched this meh fucking movie. Hey, I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

Anyway, on to more out-there shit. So I don't want to sound super insensitive, but I am about to be super insensitive. The shit that Ma can't get over, she gives a dude a blow jay in a closet at school with her whole class waiting outside, isn't really that bad. I mean, yeah, these people fucking suck. That shit would not have gone over well at my high school, bullying was completely socially unacceptable, but this isn't the type of shit where you plot to kill everyone in your graduating class's children 30 years down the line.

Winning the movie was that Evans guy. He was way too good for this flick. His performance was really strange in that he was so solid in a movie that so wasn't. Basically, didn't call for all that. Don't waste your effort, my man. Plus, dude almost get's his man cut off. Instead, Ma pumps him full of dog blood, as mentioned, and slits his wrist. Lot of weirdness in this one.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

The Lighthouse is the greatest movie of all time

The Lighthouse. Why'd ye spill yer beans? What the fuck, man? Hark! Hark! This movie is batshit. Not for everybody. I'm sure some people loved it. People around me in the theater indeed loved it. I'm not sure what is wrong with these people but that movie was not enjoyable. I'm into weird shit, sure. Mandy, Midsommar, I've got a David Lynch related tattoo for fuck's sake. But this movie. Good god man. This is out there and tough to watch. Though I couldn't stand it, though, it was not without its extraordinary merits. Therefore, greatest movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: A gripping story brilliantly filmed and led by a pair of powerhouse performances, The Lighthouse further establishes Robert Eggers as a filmmaker of exceptional talent.

Gist is that a pair of lighthouse keepers, wickies as they call themselves, played by Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson, get stranded on the remote and fucking harsh island on which their lighthouse sits, drink the fuck out all their rum, turn to kerosene, and completely lose their fucking shit. Conditions are just fucking brutal. You can't fake that shit. These guys are in the shit. True human suffering. That's the subject matter. I can indeed relate.

Liquids are very much not life giving. Surrounded by salt water. Water strands them there and beats down on them. Drinking water is putrid, kills a gull. Booze, which is not good in this situation (maybe any). Then kerosene that they end up drinking when they run out of booze.

In black-and-white with a weird  1.19:1 aspect ratio that I guess was done partly to see the lighthouse and to make you feel boxed in. Robert Eggers, The Witch guy, wrote and directed. Based on a Edgar Allan Poe unfinished story and some real shit. Extremely talented filmmaker. Lot of style. Substance? Meh. I think the point is to make you as uncomfortable and disorientated as the characters. Mission accomplished, I guess.

Acting is great. Pattinson fucking crushes it. Total MVP. Have basically two people acting in this in. Him and Willem Defoe. Pattinson wins it. Dafoe is the sea captain from The Simpsons. Aye. But he is fucking great, too. Lots of fart jokes. Pretty funny until they aren't. Pretty much how the whole movie was. I can deal with this... Now I want to leave. Pretty much how I felt the whole time.

Shares DNA with The Shining, especially felt this at the beginning when they are doing mundane shit and towards the end when they are fucking in it, and "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner," one of my favorite poems of all time (don't fucking kill birds, okay?).

Purgatory or Hell or something. This could be totally be watched on a loop with the last shot being the same as the first so he has to keep reliving this shit over and over again, ending with (spoiler) the gulls eating his entrails like Prometheus and shit. Won't get into my interpretation of the ending other than that and say that a lot of it is debatable. Also, thought I was going to get some Dafoe on Pattinson action, this was what I kept thinking people were referring to with the weird sex. Instead we got some dude on mermaid with a fish vagina fucking. Obviously super hot. Shan't be watching this flick ever again, but I appreciate it and admit that it is indeed a truly great flick.