Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is the worst movie of all time

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. Yeah. Not good. Sixth movie of the franchise. Fifth one to feature Michael Myers as the killer. If you remember Halloween III: Season of the Witch you know those aren't the same things. First, and only one, to star Paul Rudd. Would have been the third one to feature Danielle Harris but it wasn't meant to be because the Weinsteins are the worst. This is a long and depressing story though I mean probably a blessing in disguise because, yeah, this movie is trash. Mayhap more so than Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Going to revisit that eventually. I'll have to think about it. There is also a bootlegged producer's cut floating around out there--fuck it, right?--that I haven't gotten my hands on yet. It's supposed to be better and make a little more sense though I can't imagine it being great or anything. But, yeah, keep in mind, worst movie of all time, this one.

How they do 'em dirty at Miramax

Anyways, back to Harris getting shafted. By the by, gleaned all this info from this We Minored in Film article which has some other interesting factoids if you click on it. The short version is that Harris was buddies with producer Moustapha Akkad's kids. She would ask about when the next Halloween flick was going to get made a lot with Akkad keeping her informed and what not. But he partnered with Miramax who wanted to instead use a look-a-like who was over 18 because the Weinstein bros didn't want to fuck with child labor laws (all news to Harris). They ended up telling Harris that she'd have to emancipate herself from her parents to get the role. Once she did that, which apparently proved pretty costly, she got the script which pretty much sucked though it did have her make through most of the movie before getting killed off at the end as opposed to the version we get where she dies in the first 10 minutes. So the studio saw her as nonessential and offered her hardly anything which didn't cover the cost of emancipating herself. When she asked for more money, looking to at least cover the court fees and shit, the studio just offered the role to someone else, not even countering. This was supposedly all Miramax's doing with Akkad fighting for the young star. Though I'm not exactly sure "fighting" is really all that believable considering his track record.

Pros: Some decent kills. Hey, Paul Rudd. Attempts to make sense of what was going on before, though why?

Haters gonna hate

Cons: Stale AF. The nonsense metal version of the main theme that opens the film. Also the metal version of the "dun... dun dun... dun" theme. Donald Pleasance is clearly knocking on death's door, which is difficult to watch. The plot is confusing. Some uncomfortable domestic violence action. Creepy, dumb child which I hate 100% of the time. The whole Mark of Thorn underground cult thing is dumb. Lot of confusing bullshit. Do the Jamie character dirty (this was the Danielle Harris character in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5). The Weinstein bros apparently told the lead actress, the one who plays the Strode woman, one Marianne Hagan, that she wasn't very pretty, was too thin, and had a little chin that they didn't like and she'd never be a star. Just mentioning that they were huge POS way before the shit that they did sparked the whole #MeToo movement. Myers looks ridiculous. Hair and mask are stupid. Hair is clown-esque. Movement is off. So is body-type. Looks like he runs a little at some points too.

Some sad Weinstein shit with this one

Here's the gist... Jamie Lloyd, played by one J.C. Brandy in this film, niece of notorious serial murderer Michael Myers, now a young woman, gives birth to a baby boy which Michael is also the father. This is in some weird hospital run by this Cult of Thorn group that created Michael and are trying to create his replacement or something. It's not super clear since Myers also wants to kill the kid. I have no idea why the baby, basically. Jamie escapes and flees with her baby to the Haddonfield, IL area with excellent driver Myers in pursuit. Once she gets a bit of distance between them, Jamie calls a douche bag radio show host from a pay phone wanting Loomis, played by Pleasance, which gets him and the character Tommy Doyle who was the kid that Laurie Strode babysat in the original Halloween, this time played by Ant-Man himself Paul Rudd, on the lookout for Jamie, her baby, and Michael. Eventually she ditches the baby at a bus stop before Michael catches up to her and kills her gruesomely by impaling her on some farm equipment that he turns on, ripping her apart. Michael, now, is on the loose, headed back to his old crib to kill everyone there while also looking for his nephew/son and killing the Cult of Thorn folk because fuck it. There is also this side story with this Kara Strode woman, played by Hagan, who lives in the Myers house with her abusive father, abused mother, brother, and son that may be possessed or cursed or something. Sure, it's a common problem. She ends up getting swept up by all this shit as the Cult of Thorn kidnaps her and her son and the baby and Rudd and Loomis and what the fuck.

Alice in Chains Dirt girl and known Scientologist

Favorite line of the movie is more of an exchange. It's between Kara Strode's bro and his girl friend, Beth, who at times looks just like Jennifer Jason Leigh. It goes thus:

Beth: Your sister would kill us if she knew we did it in her bed.
Tim Strode: Hey, it was your idea.
Beth: I am bad, aren't I?
Tim Strode: Only when you wear crotchless panties and bark like a dog.
(Tim gets up)
Beth: Where are you going?
Tim Strode: I gotta take a shower. You know, to stay fresh.
Beth: Watch out for the bogeyman.

Fun facts about Mariah O'Brien, the actress who plays the girl friend. She was the model on the cover of the Alice in Chains album Dirt. She also went to jail for running a ponzi scheme where she ripped off fellow Scientologists. She is one of those and reached the level of "Clear" which is indeed some bullshit. She was married to Giovanni Ribisi, another more famous douche bag Scientologist, back in the day as well. Might be time to remind people that Scientology makes me irrationally angry.

Lot of halfway decent and generally satisfying kills in this piece of crap. Jamie's death was pretty gnarly. The nurse at the beginning, now a big Trump supporter, gets her head impaled on a spike. Myers goes on a rampage at the end, too. More on that later. But the one that really stuck out was the Strode dad. Not only is he an abusive asshole who beats his wife and daughter, he's also a liar that puts his family in jeopardy by moving them into the Myers house and not telling them which is just insane. He shouldn't be that surprised when Myers shows up to kill him but he is. Anyway, the way he gets it is that he first gets stabbed in the gut. Then he gets carried over to the electrical box. Then Myers stabs the box with Strode daddy still impaled. This electrocutes him. Unexpectedly, his head explodes which was unexpected, shocking, and super cool. Easily the best kill, maybe in the series.

Pleasance, picture of health

And now for some shit... Just a note, limiting it to three instances as I ain't got all night. When we first see Loomis he looks rough AF. Way older than his 75 years. Has a drink with his old friend from Smith's Grove Dr. Wynn. Should have a toast with a vitamin and a glass of water. The shit with this scene though is that he acts all like, "oh, if it isn't my old friend Dr. Wynn" like we are supposed to know who the fuck this guy is. Wynn, it turns out, was a doctor that Loomis was seen with briefly in the original. It's a pretty deep cut that no one would ever in a million years remember. Some more shit is every second that this radio host speaks or is on the screen. He is like a true crime shock jock or something. Whilst interviewing Beth and Tim he gets all worked up by Beth and acts disgusting, saying to Tim, "Does she get this riled up in bed? I bet she wears crotchless panties and barks like a dog." Beth lets it drop that Tim lives in the Myers house. He has no idea even though like everyone else in the town fucking knows. The radio guy is like, "everybody head to this guy's house!" but no one does. He goes to his van to move the party there but he calls Myers a pussy and dies like 5-seconds later even though Myers was just killing the dad, the dope head exploding kill, in the previous scene. A minute later we get this cringeworthy bit where this little girl under a tree has his blood dripping down on her. She says "Mommy, it's raining red" and then the dude falls from the tree. Ok. Why? Have to ask that a lot in this one. Lastly, what the fuck are they doing with this possessed child? Not the baby but this Kara chick's son. In the scene where Beth and Tim get murdered, Kara watches from Tommy's room, saying shit like, "oh my god," when all the sudden she sees her son crossing the street and going over to the murder house. WTF is this kid doing? They imply that he is possessed or something but they don't really go anywhere with any of this. When Kara goes over to retrieve him, he is just sitting there, staring off like an idiot. Kara is like, "whatcha doin?" and sends him off. There is a killer in the house who is chasing Kara and all. But she surprise attacks him, hitting him with a fire poker that sends him tumbling down the steps. He is just laying there and you think the kid is long gone but he comes back here at the most inopportune time and stands there right next to this maniac. What they are you doing? Most the other times he is on the screen he is yelling shit like "Mom. Mommy. Mom." So forth. God I hate children. 

Favorite scene is more or less the whole bit in the hospital at the end with everyone (Loomis, Kara, Rudd, the kid, the baby, so forth) stuck in this hospital with the Cult of Thorn and Myers and other insane people. First, there are a lot of satisfying kills in this sequence. Like when he goes into the Cult of Thorn ritual where they are god only knows what with the baby in the OR and just massacres everyone. Not sure how he got to the hospital or if they like wanted him there or what but it's a solid 30 seconds of pure chaos and like 15 kills, including Dr. Wynn. It seems at the beginning of the movie and here that they just let Myers roam around the hospital and kill patients whenever he gets the urge. Unclear what his day to day is like exactly. Also, it is implied that they were cloning Myers babies or something when we see a bunch of dead babies in vats and shit. Not sure what is happening there. Anywho, after he kills all the folks, then it is time to do whatever with the baby but Rudd, Loomis, Kara, the kid, and the baby are out of there. The chase is pretty great with Rudd and them locking a cell door behind them which gets a Cult of Thorn doctor killed when Myers grabs him and pushes his head through the bars until the door pops off the hinges. He eventually catches up to the fleeing group. The way I remembered the franchise was that Myers started teleporting around at some point in the series but I guess not. It's clearer here that he just knows every shortcut and is really good at using it. Screwed, Rudd seemingly gives Myers the baby. What is Myers planning to do with it exactly? Raise it as a single dad? We don't get to find out because it wasn't a baby, surprise to no one, but ends up being a bunch of syringes filled with green shit. Wait, what? Rudd stabs him with the needles and shoots him up with said green shit and eventually beats him to death with a pipe until the green shit comes out his eyes. Um, okay. That is how they end Myers in this one. But it's not over as Myers can't die. Ever. He is Akkad's money maker. So they leave. Loomis is all like "you kids go, I'll be alright." But he's not. Myers ain't fucking dead and we hear Loomis die over the end credits. And that was the best scene.

And finally, Paul Rudd is the obvious MVP of the film. Even though the movie is trash and his role isn't anything special, it's hard to take your eyes off that guy. I originally saw this after Clueless way back in the day so I knew his face. Maybe that was why but I swear that you can sort of tell that that dude was going to be a star. While this film isn't exactly something he was proud of, it is what got him started and he now looks back on it with some amusement. Here is what he had to say about in an interview that came out after he was an Avenger:

When I first saw Halloween 6, I remember thinking, Oh God, this movie’s not good, and I was really kind of bummed out. In fact when we first started making it, I remember thinking, Oh, this is the one that’s going to be different! [laughs] I enjoyed making it; I thought it was really, really fun. But then I thought, Oh God, are people going to think I’m a joke? Am I ever going to get work as an actor after this comes out? I have since changed my tune; I love it. I’m honored to be part of a franchise that has lasted that long, that has that many devotees, and I couldn’t be happier that I can say that my first movie is a Halloween movie. 

Regardless of how he feels now, you can totally see that he is totally swinging for fences and he connects more than he doesn't. Without his charm, I'd say the movie is more or less unwatchable. But damn is that dude charismatic. And that is Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers the worst movie of all time.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is the worst movie of all time

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Holy shit snacks. This movie is BAD and crazy. So much nonsense. Lowest box office totals of the Halloween franchise. I'm guessing this is generally what happens when you just wing the plot as you go along. With Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers ending so definitively with Myers getting his ass lit up and buried and his niece, little Jamie Lloyd, stabbing her foster mother and taking up the role of pure evil. While they don't totally ignore the ending of Halloween 4, they do dismiss it. Jamie has a psychic connection to Michael in Halloween 5 but she no longer has his evil inside her or whatever and they chalk up her trying to kill her foster mother as a fluke. Going in, the previous director and writer, one Dwight H. Little and Alan McElroy respectively, set the stage for a Loomis focused film where he would either try to stop this evil, killer child from or try to help her from turning completely evil or some shit. That was idea at least but they didn't want to do it as they thought they should probably exit on a high note which Halloween 4 was. But Moustapha Akkad, who owned the rights, disagreed and was all about him some Mikey Myers. So when the first screenwriter offered up a draft where Jamie inherited Michael's evil, Akkad fired him and hired an eccentric named  Dominique Othenin-Girard who just got weird with it. Worst movie ever.

Pros: The only Michael Myers film other than the original Halloween that actually feels like it takes place on Halloween. They really do up the festivities in this one. The chick who plays Tina, though annoying, is pretty attractive. While this movie is complete trash... it is sort of fun in the end.

Cons: The wheels really come off the bus plotwise. Kill off the best character from Halloween 4 almost immediately. The Man in Black stuff is just awful. As is the Mark of Thorn. More animal cruelty. The mask looks like shit. The performances on the whole are exceptionally bad. The Keystone Cops are just embarrassing.

And heeeerrrreee we go... With the events of Halloween 4 a year behind--these events include the entire police department getting butchered, the sheriff's daughter getting impaled with a shotgun, a kid getting shot to death by a roaming death squad, and the protagonist (Jamie Lloyd) trying to stab her foster moth to death with a pair of scissors--everyone except for Jamie and Dr. Loomis, Myer's former shrink, are ready to move on and forget the killer that they assume to be dead... But he's not. Not even close.

Tina, the brunette, and some other chick

The movie stars, once again, Donald Pleasence as Dr. Sam Loomis and Danielle Harris as Jamie Lloyd, both of whom were in Halloween 4. Only others returning, to my knowledge, were Ellie Cornell who briefly reprises the role of Rachel and Beau Starr returns as Sheriff Ben Meeker. Newcomers include Wendy Foxworth (as Wendy Kaplan) plays Tina who more or less completely replaces Rachel after that character is killed off early in the flick, Jonathan Chapin as Tina's raging dickbag boyfriend Mikey, Tamara Glynn as Samantha (the blonde friend of Tina), Jeffrey Landman as Jamie little annoying buddy Billy, and Matthew Walker as Spitz who is this way over the top blonde guy with a death wish who keeps dressing up like Michael Myers and pretends to stab people. Donald L. Shanks takes on the role of The Shape aka Michael Myers.

The film was directed by one Dominique Othenin-Girard who seems like a real piece of work and hasn't done anything you've seen since movie came out 30 years ago. As you can imagine, there is some real shit in this movie and it is more or less all attributable to Othenin-Girard. I'm limiting it as I don't have the energy to rage about everything. First, lets start with the most ridiculous opening scene of all time where in Myers slips out the back of a  mine after getting shot 50 times and crawls into a river as Illinois's finest toss a stick of dynamite down the shaft. The way he crawls... It is hard to convey how dumb this looks. From there he slipped into a river and floated down stream where some bum with a fishing shack pulls Myers out of the river and cares for him as he chills in a coma for a year until the next Halloween rolls around. What this entails--feeding him, changing him, so forth--is unclear. Once Myers comes to, he immediately repays this guy by murdering him... and then he's off.  

Also early in the film we learn Jamie's foster parents, Rachel's biologicals, decide to go out of town on vacation one year to the day that a masked maniac killed half the town, tried to kill both of the children in their care, and offed the family dog AND their foster daughter tried to stab one of them to death for which she is locked away in the children's clinic. Seems like a great time to get out of dodge, don't get me wrong, but maybe take the kids with you on that one. No time for a second honeymoon, I guess you can say. Anyway, Rachel, again, is not long for this movie. Way hotter than she was in the previous flick, we get a close call as we see Myers wandering around inside her home as she showers. Luckily, though, Jamie, now mute, is psychically connected to Myers or something and knows he's about to kill which she like pantomimes to Loomis choking out words like "dog" and "Rachel" and so forth. "What's that, girl? Timmy is stuck in the well!" "Dog" was in reference to the family's new dog after the previous one was killed the year before. We see late in the film that this dog is murdered too although when this happens is also unclear since the dog is tied up outside when Tina gets to the crib after Rachel has been murdered, but I digress. For now Myers just let the dog out and he is loose to roam the neighborhood. But these fucking awful Keystone Cops are out and about and find him. "Find dogs; rescue cats. It's our job and we love it," is something they actually say as goofy slide whistle music plays in the background. These two fucking suck. They go in and look around and shit but do a half-assed job and Rachel goes back in and gets murdered. No one really asks where she is or anything which is weird since they are all supposed to kick it together at this huge house party and her sister or whatever, Jamie, is constantly freaking out and what not.

Apparently the actress, Cornell, was super pissed about this shit, and rightfully so. In Halloween 4 she was a bad-ass and what not. Here she is in a scene where she looks and acts completely differently where she showers and then dies. It wasn't even a matter of her wanting more money like with all the "returning" characters that had similar fates in the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies as Cornell threatened to walk when she saw what happened to her character. Originally, all the same shit was supposed to go down but she was supposed to die more violently with scissors going in her mouth and down her throat. It sounds weird and Cornell called bullshit on that. So they ended up changing the death and throwing more money her way which sort of worked out for her but then again she still had to be in this POS. This was producer Moustapha Akkad big regret when it came to the film. At the time leaving basically all creative control up to Othenin-Girard who thought that if Rachel's character went early, then it meant "anything could happen next" which was cliched to shit by that point.

Oh Billy

More shit here, this kid Billy is fucking irritating. This kid makes me irrationally angry. I'm sure the child actor is serviceable or whatever but the shit they have him do. Like how he constantly fake stutters and is always whining and shit. He is sort of this constant presence in Jamie's life, sidling around and being annoying. At one point Loomis has had enough of him and acts disgusted. This, also early in the movie, is pretty subtle but totally noticeable. It's in the children's hospital (not trying to think too much about how hard that kid would have it to be in there with a kid that tried to kill her foster mother and what not) after Jamie just had one of her freak outs. Loomis sort of throws him out with this look of disgust on his face without saying a word. Also, Loomis should still think that Michael is dead and what not but is totally in the know that he is alive despite any evidence whatsoever. It's just a feel he has I guess but have no idea since it isn't at all explained or really hinted at in the movie.

The last bit of shit I'll get into is everything to do with "The Man in Black" (MIB), a guy we see take public trans, which is cool... The character is played by Shanks who was also Michael Myers. No one, including the director or writer, had any idea who the fuck the character was supposed to be or where the story line was going. The character ends up breaking Myers from prison after he is captured by Loomis who chains and tranqus him before beating him into submission with a wood plank and then having a heart attack on top of him. This fucking guy. Why the fuck? He was never part of the plan, which is obvious, and was added halfway through after Akkad started to freak out about the way the film was turning out with the various plot holes and what have you. So Akkad's suggestion was basically to make the movie more confusing and that they would hire someone else to clean it up in the next installment which is all insane nonsense. This is also where we start to get this "Mark of Thorn" bullshit, more on that in the next movie.

I could go on with more shit here like how the Myers's house is completely different than it was in the first flick or how this shithead Spitz runs out in a Myers mask wielding a knife at the cops which is a great way to die or any number of other things that don't make any sense and are just crazy that happen in this movie. But I ain't got all night. So yeah. Lots of shit. Little desire to spend any more time thinking about it. 

Anyyyywhoooo. Favorite quote of the flick comes at the end when Meeker or whoever explains what is going to happen with Myers now that they have caught him because, again, that happens. In it he says something like "from here it is to a federal super-max where Myers will stay until the day he dies." And Jamie, delivering the best line of the movie, solemnly says "he'll never die." True dat.

Best kill isn't anything special really. Just a weird three pronged hook tool thing to the head. But it is satisfying because it is Tina's dickhead boyfriend Mikey who gets it. He spends his minute and a half or so on screen just being an unbelievable asshole. Tells his friend he'll kill him for touching his car, treats Tina like absolute shit, peeling out when travelling less than 50 feet from one side of the liquor store to the other, and he even tries to fight Myers for scratching his car with said hook thing. Super satisfying when he gets his which leads to my favorite scene of the movie.

Favorite scene I chose based on unintentional hilarity. It's the one where Myers, having killed Tina's boyfriend Mikey, goes and picks her up for their date at country farm party which is all kinds of insane. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing what Myers would be like as a boyfriend and all, and it turns out not much worse than her real boyfriend Mikey was. Myers picks her up at her house, honks impatiently for her to come out, drives like a maniac, and slams on the breaks going 60 when Tina nags him to stop and get cigarettes. He's had enough and plans on killing her when she gets back in the car from the convenience store. But Jamie has a vision of the convenience store logo that is a cookie woman with big cartoon cookie tits which Billy interprets for everyone and someone recognizes as said store. So all the cops show up and Myers discretely bounces which Tina thinks was Mikey being a prick. Absurd.

Going with Donald Pleasence for the MVP. More of a half-hearted, token MVP for this one. Sort of like when Steve McNair won the NFL MVP back in the early 2000s. He was a top five player for so long at that point, hey, he did alright, probably not truly the best, but he's old and has hung in there for let's give him the MVP situation. He does alright here and I'm really sure who else I'd give it to. Probably not Harris who also does fine. But Pleasence really goes for a couple of times here. There is the scene where he challenges Myers to come to his old house where he killed his sister back in the day. Then, once he gets him there and all the police leave based on Jamie's vision, which is more for the shit pile that I didn't get to, Loomis does some dumb shit so he can have his little showdown with Michael. How he catches him in the end involves a lot impossible planning that we don't see and couldn't have happened unless the cops were in on it but I digress, again. But the scene where he goes for is genuinely well performed but is just some more dumb shit. It's where Loomis starts trying to talk sense into Michael whom he has thought was pure evil for 25 years. Oh it's dumb and doesn't make sense but dude is impassioned, for sure.

Yeah, this movie is nuts, makes no sense, and is just bad. Don't watch it unless you are a Halloween completest as it doesn't even resemble John Carpenter's original in pretty much any way. Really looking forward to when H20 resets the goddamn universe back to after Halloween II. But of course, we still have Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers to get through before that sweet relief.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is the greatest film of all time

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is total trash but a great late-night flick perfect for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and USA Up All Night. They don't make them like this anymore. Cheaply made dumb horror comedies done by directors with enough know how to crank it out and keep it fun with crazy kills and lots of nudity. This was director David DeCoteau's specialty as he did it close to 150 times with his most recent flick coming in 2016. This is his first of several featuring scream queens Michelle Bauer, Linnea Quigley, and Brinke Stevens. One such flick, Nightmare Sisters, was filmed in the four days following this one, another testament to DeCoteau's. Have two and a half weeks to film a B-movie. Do it in 12 days under budget with a some extra film in the can. Might as well crank another out. Two movies in 16 days. Crazy. Fuck it, right? DeCoteau was one of many proteges of the great Roger Corman who perfected the art of cranking out serviceable low budget flicks. Maybe not as successful as others to come out of the Corman school, directors like James Cameron, Francis Ford Coppola, Jonathan Demme, Ron Howard, or Martin Scorsese, but hey, DeCoteau has more film credits than all of them combined, which is insane.

This dipshit

Anywho, This also marks the third Linnea Quigley movie I've written about. The first two being classics in Night of the Demons and Return of the Living Dead. I, personally, don't see the big deal. She does seem pretty cool and all but not what I'd call attractive in any way. I guess that must be it, being a bad, cool chick. Regardless, this movie. Fun AF. Greatest film of all time.

Pros: Well made for what it is. Lots of nudity (though it's probably not nudity you'll really want to see). While not the greatest looking kills, they are pretty amusing. Super fun though not what I would call funny.

Cons: Sexual misconduct is treated pretty lightly (the dudes break into the sorority, do an insane amount of peeping, and sort of joke about maybe committing rape). The monster looks like trash and is a totally racist stereotype for no reason. Decent amount of stuff that happens goes nowhere and happens for no reason (specifically thinking of a scene where a chick that has been turned into a demon with all this shit coming off her face tries to put on makeup but there are plenty more). Acting isn't great but what do you expect.

Here's the gist... Three bored frat bros peep on a sorority ritual that involves 20 minutes of paddling, spraying their two pledges down with whipped cream, and then sexy showering. Once they are inevitably caught by the head mistress or whatever the the president of a sorority is called, this sorority has three members and two pledges by the way, they make the pledges and the frat bros, who just committed a sex crime, go out to the local bowling ally and steal a bowling trophy. With the fat one, who is extremely aggressive and disgusting, this is more or less like telling these chicks to go and get sexually assaulted. Once they have broken in and got what they came for, they drop the trophy when smoke and a demon comes out. The demon ends up being this ridiculous looking jive talking imp named Uncle Impy. Impy has the ability to grant wishes but these end up coming at the price of their lives and end up being bullshit anyway.

In addition to Bauer as Lisa, Quigley as Spider whom we meet when she is trying to rob the bowling ally which is both trashy and stupid considering there are cameras everywhere and probably no money in the register, and Stevens (the one with the eyebrows) as Taffy who gets pulled apart like her namesake, the movie stars Carla Baron as Frankie (whom I think is the one that turns into the Bride of Frankenstein and looks like Alison Brie in Glow) and Kathi O'Brecht as Rhonda who are pretty much interchangeable, Hal Havins whose the fat, disgusting one that was also the fat, disgusting prick in Night of the Demons as Jimmie, Andras Jones as survivor dude Calvin, the late Robin Rochelle as head of the sorority Babs, and John Stuart Wildman who gets it on with Bauer who reminds me of Brett Kavanaugh since they both have the same shitty hair and also like to commit sexual assault plays Keith. The guy who plays Uncle Impy, a guy named Michael Sonye, goes by the stage name of Dukey Flyswatter. Dude is indeed Caucasian and was in several cult classics including Surf Nazis Must Die. The demon, which is pretty unnecessarily racist, talks hella shit and sounds like the Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas or the flytrap in Little Shot of Horrors the musical.

Best line of the movie comes from the janitor, played by George "Buck" Flower. You might recognize him from the role of drunk homeless man in every John Carpenter film from the 1980s or from Back to the Future from the role of drunk homeless man where he says the memorable line "crazy drunk driver" or from Wishmaster where he plays a homeless man. He was basically always a homeless man. In this flick though he at least has a job and ends up being an Imp expert as he was the one that trapped in the bowling trophy and such. Anyway, his line is "Demons munching your friends? I gotta tell you both, kids, drugs are not the answer."

None of the kills are all that great but the one where the chick with the welty demon gets bowled to death, basically they roll the ball down the lane into her face, is alright though you know it's coming. The one chick named Taffy is pulled apart like the candy but you don't see anything. I do like the idea of ironic punishment though. Sort of thought the one dude who wishes for Bauer to do him would get liked boned to death or whatever but that doesn't happen. He eventually realizes what a fucked up situation this is, like slipping a chick a ruffie or something, and tries to shut it down but the chick is super persistent... Yeah, I'm pretty sure they did it, unfortunately. Maybe an appropriate outcome would have been him going to jail and justice getting served and what not, but instead a chick come and fries his face.

Best scene is the one where the demon chicks kill the fat frat guy, Jimmie, by decapitating him somehow with an ice machine. The demon chick then takes his head and obligatorily rolls it down the bowling lane. We get some pretty sweet commentary from Uncle Impy here. When the chicks goes to roll his head, he says "she steps up, she wriggles her fanny," and then when bowls is all, "it could be a strike," and I feel that most directors or whatever would have her roll a strike. But DeCoteau ain't got the time or film for that and we get the head bouncing and rolling halfway down the lane before getting caught in the gutter.

MVP of the movie is Linnea Quigley. I mean she is way over-the-top like you'd expect but she manages to go a whole movie without getting neked and is sort of bad ass. She kills the demons, traps Uncle Impy, and has a couple three solid one-liners. Stuff like "It's too bad we had to kill her. I really liked the outfit she had on." That when kills the one that looks like the Bride of Frankenstein. Then there is this touching little exchange: Spider: "What is this, Midnight Wimp Bowling League?" Taffy: "Who are you? The Bride of Dracula?" Spider: "Oooo. Jump back. Prom queen on the loose. Or is it high school hookers?" Overall it was a pretty serviceable performance by Quigley. And she takes the nerd she saves home with her to go to the bone zone and what not.

Watched this as part of Joe Bob Briggs's new show The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs where he introduces said movies, gives the infamous "Drive-In Totals" where in he gives a ridiculous rundown of the movie, and pops in in the middle to talk some shit. This was his shtick on MonsterVision which I was completely obsessed with as a kid and am thrilled is back. This was the perfect film to start with and is definitely right up his alley. Greatest film of all time.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is the greatest movie of all time

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Surprisingly solid. Remembered it fondly from childhood. When it came out in 1988 when I was in second grade this little chick that lived down the street and her sister, second grade and kindergarten were these two, had seen it and regaled my bro and I with the entire plot in detail with vivid descriptions of kills and so forth. Later, she was the one that told me that they were making a fifth film that was coming out the following year. No idea how she knew that as this was pre-internet. But it was the coolest. You see, I too was really into horror and my parents too didn't give a shit about what I watched. Yeah, I crushed hard on that little lady. So yeah. Good memories before I had even seen the movie which happened a few years later. Loved it when that finally came about. Figured it would be fine or whatever but wouldn't really hold up to my equally low but different standards today. Wrong. It was pretty dope. Liked it way more than any of the other sequels in the Halloween franchise. In fact, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is the greatest film of all time. If you don't believe me, then maybe you'll take Peter Griffin's (from Family Guy) word on the film. Spoiler, he too says it is the "greatest movie of all time". No shit.

Pros: Back to what the people want (though it took some suspending disbelief to get there): Michael Myers killing folk. The hiding out at the sheriff's house is one of my favorites from the franchise. Decent amount of suspense. Still not quite a Jason ripoff but it's inching there. Performances are almost shockingly solid. The Rachel/Jamie relationship.

Cons: The mask looks terrible and at one point is pink with blonde hair which is just cray. The end where Jamie stabs her ma, spoiler, is weak bullshit. As was Myers's escape from the hospital. Basically a solid movie sandwiched between shit.

Here's the gist... Michael Myers, still alive after getting shot in both eyes and flaming for a good 35 seconds, awakens from a 10-year coma and escapes from the hospital to massacre more people as he makes his way to his bloodline in Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris), the young daughter of the now deceased Laurie (played by Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween and Halloween II). However, his old psychiatrist, Dr. Sam Loomis, played, once again, by Donald Pleasence, is on it, trying to stop the evil before it can repeat the carnage in sleepy Haddonfield, Illinois.

Some weird shit on the production of this flick. You may recall that Halloween III: Season of the Witch didn't have shit to do with Michael Myers and instead followed around a drunk doctor uncovering a mystery surrounding these dope killer masks (they are featured in the new Halloween movie trailer, by the by). This was because producers John Carpenter and Debra Hill, who wrote the first three films, shelved the Michael Myers storyline after the second movie had the character definitively die. They wanted the series to be more of the anthology type with each movie telling a different tale (this one was supposed to be a ghost story or some such shit). But after III confused audiences who went to see a slasher featuring The Shape, producer Moustapha Akkad, who had worked with Carpenter and Hill and on the first three flicks, demanded that Myers come back. Everyone was sort of on board but creative differences are a bitch.

Going to try to keep this rundown short... Carpenter liked this guy Dennis Etchison's script. The two had worked on novelizations of II and III and Carpenter liked the cut of his jib. And Etchison's outline does sound pretty interesting. One of those early self-aware flicks that get trippy and play fast and loose with the genre and our understanding of it. Something like a Wes Craven's New Nightmare. Etchison did an interview a while back giving some intriguing deets:

The idea is that the town, after all those terrible murders ten years earlier, has banned Halloween. They don't recognize Halloween as a holiday; they don’t allow Halloween masks and costumes or Halloween candy. And you know Hunt, the deputy from the first two films? Hunt is now the sheriff. And ten years of repression and suppression have boiled to the surface and there are some hints that He’s back!...

Some of the shit that was in the script included a tulpa, a paranormal being created through spiritual or mental powers, Myers that is sort of birthed in a pumpkin patch out of one chick's fear and is like 15 feet tall. The ending too sounded super dope and featured a scene in a drive-in theater, which I always love seeing portrayed on screen, like in the movie Targets which is insanely dope. It also had Tommy and Lindsay, the kids from the original film, as the leads in this one. Etchison explained it would have went thus:

It ends up with an enormous climax. Tommy and Lindsay go on the run into the countryside, away from Haddonfield. Lindsay hasn’t been able to remember anything that happened in 1978. She has no memory of it; it’s blacked out of her mind. And her mother wants it that way. 

Tommy, on the other hand — they both saw shrinks for a while when they were kids, and Tommy is beginning to get some flashes of it and begins to understand what’s happening. Whenever he tries to call Lindsay from across the street the mother never accepts the calls. ‘Don’t call here again, Tommy Doyle!’ Because it will remind Lindsay of what happened. But they’re bonded together because of what they went through, and they’re grown up now and they kind of like each other. But she’s not allowed to see him. 

Anyway, it ends up with this tremendous bloody scene at the packed drive-in at midnight. It’s really incredible. And the Shape is there and he’s stalking and killing people right and left. Tommy and Lindsay get away. They wake up in a farmhouse outside of town, in the country somewhere, and she has had a dream that starts to bring it all together for her…In short, it’s not just a slasher movie. The story has a philosophy behind it.

So it was more or less that when Haddonfield tried to suppress Halloween and Myers, it all came bubbling up to the surface ironically bringing him back into existence. Dope as fuck, right? But Akkad fucked it in the end, "too cerebral" for his taste saying that Myers must be flesh and blood killer. Eventually Carpenter and Hill had signed all of their rights away to Akkad and that was that and the script was forgotten. But yeah the end result was pretty great. But that sounds fucking cray and scary as fuck.

Anyway, back on track. Some shit I liked about the film, though the opening isn't the best with a sort of dumb kill (a thumb through a guy's skull), the movie doesn't fuck around and gets right into it with Myers waking up from a 10-year coma and immediately killing everyone around him. It basically gets some carnage and one sweet ass explosion out of the way early so you know what the guy is capable of before making you wait with some serious suspense late in the film that leads to some decent enough kills. Also, it's a different actress but they bring back the character Lindsay from the first film. She seems like a groovy chick in this as well. Pretty and cool. Looked up the actress. Owns a decent looking restaurant in South Carolina. She's 30 years older and rounder but still pretty and seems to be still grooving as well. 

How the fuck does this even happen?

Some shit I didn't like or made me uncomfortable... The scene where a group of little kids surround Jamie and chant "Jamie's an orphan" at her was fucked. Kids suck. The weirdest thing in the movie was Loomis hitchhiking which was just absurd. It's pretty unintentionally hilarious, in fact. He is out there and these teens pull up to him and are all, "yeah, come on, hurry up grandpa," and all that shit and then when he gets to the car they peal out. Then he gets picked up by a bumpkin priest that he makes insane small talk with as he rides back to Haddonfield. When Myers kills this guy Bucky who works for the power company by throwing him into a transformer is also unintentionally funny as fuck. Also, why does Myers always have to kill the family dog? Tired of that shit. I hate it. That dog didn't do shit to him. And there is a scene out of nowhere where Myers is wearing a pink mask with blonde hair. No idea what they fuck was going on there. It's late in the movie when Myers is in the school. It's some weird shit. 

Schwing

Best scene is easily when Rachel, Jamie, Sheriff Meeker, the sheriff's daughter (Kelly Meeker), Rachel's boyfriend Brady (who gets caught doing the sheriff's daughter), a deputy, and Loomis all hideout in the sheriff's house after Myers has slaughtered all of the city's police. It starts out super awkward as Rachel caught Brady with Kelly earlier, they just went back at after Rachel left by the by, and the sheriff is no idiot and knows that his daughter was getting schtooped and what not. Let's take a second here to talk about how hot I thought this woman who played Kelly Meeker was, an actress named Kathleen Kinmont. She was the sexiest chick I had ever seen when I was a child. In 1990, when I first saw this, she was up there with Kim Basinger, Elisabeth Shue, and Deanna Troi and Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation as the prettiest women of all time. And she holds up. She really does it for me with hella ass and boobs and the little "Cops Do It By The Book" T-shirt. Fine AF. Anyway, it is then that the movie becomes a home invasion flick with the Myers stalking Jamie from outside the home. It is super intense as we, the audience, knows he is there and already in the house, while everyone else boards up the doors and windows to keep him out when they are actually just keeping themselves from escaping. When Sheriff Meeker leaves to deal with a vigilante killing and Loomis goes out to hunt Myers or whatever, the only two people that have a chance of disposing the killer, you know these folk are fucked and indeed they are. It's here that I really doubled down on this movie being dope. 

Escapee Myers without the mask. Good look, actually

It is after this scene that we get my favorite line of the movie. It is just a dumb throwaway from when Jamie, wandering around after everyone in the hideout has got got, gets scooped up by Loomis who is out trying to kill Myers. She says, "Everyone is dead. I just want to go home." Sort of hilarious. 

Best kill comes near the end when the group of vigilantes that killed that kid earlier find Rachel and Jamie outside of the school. They take them to the next town over when Myers pops up in the bed of the truck. After easily dispatching the three bumpkins in the back, Myers rips out the fat driver's throat. It looks great and is an excellent kill. You know it is coming but it is still pretty fucked and shocking. 

Though Pleasence really goes for it here, especially at the end when get the twist ending of Jamie stabbing her foster mother having turned evil or whatever, screaming "No! No! No!" repeatedly whilst trying to kill the child, the MVP of the movie is Rachel and Jamie's relationship. It's not that either of them have to knock it out of the park with their acting or anything for the film to work. You really just need for them to pass as foster siblings. But with these two, you genuinely get that they care deeply for each other. Like the scene where they have to escape the hideout via the roof and Rachel has Jamie climb on her back while she crawls away from the killer. The actor that plays Rachel, Ellie Cornell, kills it here. Really feels like a big sister and Danielle Harris totally makes you think that she loves her sister and trusts her completely. The pair really do a fantastic job. That shit and the long, super tense scene at the sheriff's house elevate movie to what is so far the second best of the franchise. Good shit. 

The Happytime Murders is the worst movie of all time

The Happytime Murders. Fucking train wreck. Worse than the previous Melissa McCarthy movie I saw this year that was also a fucking train wreck. That one was Life of the Party which I'll probably never write about at this point. Didn't do a write up on it because I was trying to stay positive back when. Now that I have given that shit up, here is a huge piece of shit for you to read about, if that is what you want to do. Easily the worst movie I've seen this year, this was the worst film of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The Happytime Murders wastes its intriguingly transgressive premise on a witless comedy that blindly pushes buttons instead of attempting to tell an entertaining story.

Pros: Maya Rudolph is great, as always. Elizabeth Banks is a pretty

Cons: Shit ain't funny. Confusing. Crass. McCarthy's shtick is wearing pretty thin. The puppet sex from the trailer is dumb and annoying. Barely entertaining.

Gist... Puppets from a 1990s children's show, Happytime, start getting killed off by a mysterious killer. One of the victims has brother who is a disgraced LAPD detective now working as a private eye that also once dated the human lead, played by Banks, and looks like Kevin Nealon takes the case to find who is killing off these Sesame Street rejects. Along the way his former captain, who eventually likes him for the killings, reinstates him as a consultant and pairs him up with his old partner, played by McCarthy, who hates his guts. Premise had potential but again, shit ain't funny. Don't go watch it.

Here is some weirdness... The movie was directed by one Brian Henson, chairman of The Jim Henson Company, who is Jim Henson's son, which is insane. He even directed two Muppet movies one of which was 1992's The Muppet Christmas Carol which is easily my favorite Muppet movie and Christmas Carol movie. So this was not only endorsed by the Jim Henson estate, it was actually made by it. A movie about puppet murder with puppet sex/ejaculation and flashes of puppet vag. All of this was so ill advised that it is un-fucking-believable and I'm willing to bet the last feature film out of that arm of the company.

Anyway, the movie stars McCarthy and this Bill Barretta who plays the puppet PI, Phil Phillips. No Sam Spade, either of them. Also in the movie are the likes of Elizabeth Banks as Jenny the only human on Happytime, Leslie David Baker whom you'll recognize from his role Stanley on The Office as Lt. Banning, Joel McHale as Agent Campbell of the FBI, and Maya Rudolph as Phillips's secretary Bubbles.

The kills, for their part, were pretty solid with multiple candidates for best of the movie. Probably my personal favorite, and the only time in the movie where I genuinely chuckled, was the protagonist's brother who got ripped apart by dogs, which is a constant threat with these guys. They rip them up like typical dogs would a chew toy with stuffing all over the place. They catch the culprit and it is a tiny little Boston Terrier. So cute. Looks, and acts, just like my little Lu. Honorable mention was the quadruple homicide in the porn shop when everyone in there gets plugged with a shotgun and their heads explode with a puff of stuffing.

On the other hand, not a lot of good one-liners nor scenes that really impressed. For best line, the one I'm going with is "He's a blue loser puppet with a tiny felt cock." It's just meh, like the whole movie. That also applies to the best scene which I'd say is likely the Basic Instinct allusion where the little red-headed puppet flashes her vagina, made of velvet, we learn, and we get a view of an insane amount of purple puppet hair. It is gross and insane and sort of funny but not really. The red-head, by the way, is a bizarre twist on the Femme Fatale if you are familiar with noir trope where the PI is setup by a sexpot which becomes his undoing.

MVP is an easy one in Maya Rudolph. She really brought it. The only moments of the film I enjoyed were the ones with her and McCarthy together, much like Life of the Party. She was sort of funny and I enjoyed when she was on screen though I thought they under utilized her. She is a real gem, this chick. But yeah, don't see this movie. Totally not worth your time. I know. Sounds like a solid premise. Trust me. You'll regret it. 

Halloween Trailer #2

Second Halloween trailer dropped. Watching all of the movies before it comes out even though they aren't connected as this is retconning everything except the first one. This shit looks way better than that first trailer where they hold the mask in front of Myers and are all like "remember this?" Still looks terrifying, too, but now I have more faith in it being a halfway decent movie.

I Know What You Did Last Summer is the worst movie of all time

Man, I Know What You Did Last Summer. Quick break from the Halloween movies. Shit ton more to go there, god help me. Breaking it up with IKWYDLS. Did not like. Did at one time. Chalking it up to not aging well as you definitely know you are watching a movie in the late 1990s. Twas the curse of Scream. Four out of five horror movies from IKWYDLS up until The Blair Witch Project (maybe even Saw) are the same. Up and coming 20 somethings playing high school/college archetypes that make regular snarky, self-referential statements that say "we're aware of that we are in a horror movie." See Disturbing Behavior, Final Destination, Halloween H20, Idle Hands, The Faculty, Urban Legend, so forth. All the same shit. This was the first of those (and one of the most poorly done) and is more or less a Scream clone without the satire. Worst movie of all time. Can't believe I used to like this shit.

Veronica Vaughn... So hot. Want to touch the heiney 

Pros: Solid 90s cast (though none of them are especially great at acting). Decent bit of nostalgia for me. Still remember seeing it in the theater and digging it. Pretty ladies though Jennifer Love Hewitt couldn't be wearing more clothes. Typical outfits include a long skirt/sweater or overalls with a long sleeve. Anne Heche and Veronica Vaughn are both looking fly though.

Cons: The first of about a million Scream rip offs. Soundtrack is insanely garbage. Take the worst song of all time from like 10 decent bands. It's a pretty meh story. No nudity. Kills are meh. Acting is surprisingly bad. As was the dialogue.

Gist of the flick...Four recent high school graduates--played by Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie), Sarah Michelle Gellar (Helen), Ryan Phillippe (Barry), and Freddie Prinze Jr. (Ray)--hit a pedestrian coming around a curve on an isolated backwoods road in a fishing town in New England.  Instead of going to the police, they decide to dump the body in the ocean, only it turns out he isn't dead so they attempt to straight up murder him by drowning. A year later, with everyone underachieving, they all start getting letters stating that "I know what you did last summer." Eventually the person writing the letters comes at them, knocking them off, along with a few other people, one at a time.

This guy

Written by screenwriter Kevin Williamson who did Scream, Scream II, Scream IV, and The Faculty. Dude was hot shit at the time and every horror movie that came out the four years or so after Scream were all the same, as I've notes several times. Out of the five movies of his I've watched recently, this one is definitely the worst. Directed by Jim Gillespie who hasn't really done anything except for this movie. In addition to the main four, the movie also features Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory which I refuse to ever watch, Anne Heche who has more or less disappeared though she was always great in everything (she seems to have gotten a pretty bad deal for whatever reason), and Bridgette Wilson-Sampras who married Pete Sampras and played Veronica "So-Hot-Want-To-Touch-The-Heiney" Vaughn in Billy Madison.

Not a lot of kills in this movie but the best is definitely the first which is this Max kid who seems to have it pretty rough. He is boiling crab and shit at the fish market alone at night. Killer dude sort of comes up to him head on though this Max gentleman can't seem him very well because of all the steam. But he is trying though. Squinting and shit. When the hook comes in and gets him under the chin and he is dragged over the boiling pots and stabbed repeatedly and what have you. It looks pretty good and I thought the film had potential at that point. But, yeah, there are some pretty bad kills, too. Actually, all the rest of them are bad. Like with SMG who fought the dude off and pretty much got away home free only to look back when she is 10 feet from survival when she is murdered behind a bunch of trash (that should have been recycled).  

Best line of the movie comes from Julie after Barry says some dumb shit about how the letters they are getting that say "I know what you did last summer" likely aren't related to the guy they ran over and then tried to drown the year before. His character basically spends the whole movie being extremely disrespectful to everyone and generally just being a cock. Like when he is a dick to Galecki's character, Max, for no reason, I guess because he is nice to Julie and thus trying to date out of his social caste or something, basically shoving the guy's face and screaming "Shots! Get the fuck out of here!" He later assaults dude again when they think he is the one behind the notes and then tells the girls, who look like Gellar and Love Hewitt because they are those chicks, that they "look like shit" just to be a dick. This is all mighty aggressive behavior and dude is always wrong. Anyways, he says something like "You did a lot of things last summer." Julie replies "Yeah, well, only one murder comes to mind." Noice. Julie also develivers the worst line of the movie. A "what are you waiting for" scream to the killer who isn't around. Huffpost did an article on this movie back when where they explain that this was thought up by some kid who won a contest or something, got to be on set, and chose a moment where the actors had to do whatever he wanted (within reason, I assume) and this was it. JLH claims to remember it fondly, though it groan worthy these days, saying “People don’t know that that was just like some kid who loved horror movies... I’m glad I got to do that for him.” That is some pretty cool shit and I am a little bit jealous but it's still a dumb moment.

This brings me to a little shit with this flick... So the catalyst for this whole movie is hitting the dude and then attempting to murder him. Why not go to the police since the driver, Ray, was sober as a judge. It's because, according to Barry, no one would believe that he wasn't driving his car. "Nobody drives my car but me," he says at one point. I'm all about cops being full of shit and pinning shit on people and and what the fuck but this is dumb. Four doing alright white kids, at least half of them sober, hit a dude on a dead man's curve, telling the truth which isn't that bad. All this shit is grossly unnecessary. But overall, this post-hitting the guy and what have you, is probably the best scene in the flick. There we see solid inner workings of dumb, adolescent brains in crisis mode. They did some shit and they have to deal with it. Argue about how they should deal with. Do some more, much worse shit, and then have to psychically deal with it for the rest of their lives, which isn't long for exactly half of them. So yeah.

Party of one! IDK what that means

MVP has to be JLH. Before this movie, no idea who she is. Afterwards, she is one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood. She was in that show Party of Five but she was like third banana in that show. This really elevated her to leading (ish) lady status. Of the four kids, she is either first or second in overall performance (Phillippe is alright as well). People sort of realized that she was impossibly good-looking (she was more of a kid in PoF). It didn't hurt that this film really brought in the bucks, gaining $125 mill at the box office. She would parlay this role into the leads in films like Heartbreakers, Can't Hardly Wait (a great teen flick), the sequel to this flick I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and the show Ghost Whisperer. She really had a moment there and it was all thanks to this role, 100%.

Overall thoughts... Promising start but it drags on and ends with a lot of anti-climax. Gist of that is Julie thinks Ray, they are the last two standing, is the murderer and attacks him. She gets help from a fisherman who ends up being the real killer. They get it on--fighting way, not sexy way--and the killer gets his hand lopped off and flung into the ocean. Spoiler, dude ain't dead. The cops are all, "any idea why this guy is coming after all of yous." "Shit no, officer." And that is that except a little pointless maybe dream bit at the end that they ignore in the sequel which, hey hey, was way better than this POS mostly due to Jack Black and lot of unintentional hilarity. So look forward to that.