Longlegs - Cage at his Cagiest in this artsy fartsy crap

Longlegs - Oz Perkins - 2024

★★-Critics gushed over this? Not as high on it as everyone else. Thought it way overhyped, overrated, and completely aimless. Yeah, I hated it. Never found it remotely scary, more just cringeworthy. 
 
First, this is Nicolas Cage unleashed. Every time he was on screen there was a considerable amount of sighing and laughing. His performance is way out there. Saw this more or less getting universal praise, which is incredible. 
 
The protagonist, FBI Agent Lee Harker played by Maika Monroe, is maybe psychic with a touch of the tism. All that goes nowhere. Sort of like a frumpier Clarice Starling. Monroe is sort of second banana to Mia Goth when it comes to horror it girls. Done some great work as the leads in The Guest, It Follows, Villains, and Watcher,among others. This was my least favorite of her performances to date. 
 
Her mother is played by Alicia Witt. She is pretty out there as well. Her house looks like all the hoarders I’ve ever known. Mostly think of her from her roles in Urban Legend, Cecil B. Demented, Vanilla Sky, and one episode of The Sopranos. Was just wondering whatever happened to her. Doing shit like this, apparently.  
 

The look on my face every time Cage was on screen

Only other person I recognized was the Jack Crawford type, one Blair Underwood, who was the castrated killer guy in Just Cause, which was a great small town murder mystery from the mid-1990s, when this movie takes place. You might also remember him from LA Law or the sci-fi show The Event from a little over a decade ago. It was sort of one of those Lost/24 hybrids that were all the rage back then. He, too, is awful in this movie. 
 
The movie had phenomenal marketing. The trailer made it look like it was going to be amazing. Creep and dread I expected to be top tier, but no. Got a weird, dream-logic flick. 
 
It did look great. Cinematography was the one thing I can praise. Looked like a Fincher film, but was indeed garbage. Basically artsy crap. 
 
Other major problems I had with the movie: It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s slow and confusing. Felt way longer than an hour and 40 minutes, never a good sign. There was also sort of a compelling murder mystery in there. But good luck following all the literal puzzles involved. Technically great, but no substance. Again, hated it. Do not recommend.

30 Days of Night: A vampire's wet dream

 30 Days of Night - David Slade - 2007

★★--Remember the trailer for this film being great. Produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert of Evil Dead fame. Execution wasn’t really there. Kind of glad I waited 17 years to watch it. 
 
Gist is an isolated Alaskan town that experiences a 30-day-long polar night gets overrun with vampires. Hate when that shit happens. Pretty smart of the vampires though. 
 
Director David Slade has mostly done TV including the first three episodes of American Gods (which where great) and several early episode of Hannibal (also great). He did do a few movies though, like Hardy Candy about a young girl that tortures a child rapist/murderer, it’s pretty decent, and one of the Twilight movies (never saw it). 
 
Stars Josh Hartnett whose career was screeching to a halt (my man is back now though), Melissa George (whom I mostly think of as the mother of the kid that get the slap in the show The Slap [both the American and the Australian version]), Danny Huston of the Huston clan, Ben Foster who was who is always solid and is married to my former queen Laura Prepon,  and Mark Boone Junior, who always plays a crazy guy. Personally think of him as the pizza stealing FBI guy in Se7en. He is in most of Fincher’s movies though. 
 
Fantastic premise—vampires in Alaska during the longest period of darkness—but sort of waste it on non-traditional vampires. Should have stuck with the classic variety. These vampires have pointy shark teeth, have a military-based hierarchy, speak Aramaic or some other weird shit (Romulan, maybe), have a feral quality to them, but look and dress like Danny Huston. These are not fucking vampires. 
 
Early in the movie have an awkward Chekhov's scrap metal pulverizer. Speaking of, get a lot of gore, if you are into that thing. Decapitation is the preferred vampire killing method of this movie. Usually with an axe. Sometimes a shotgun. 
 
Again, it’s not the best, but the premise makes up for a lot. However, never lives up to its potential. Josh Hartnett is alright. Ben Foster is really good but not in the movie for very long. Huston is wasted. The end is lame. It also had potential. Overall, just sort of meh.