Sunday, June 30, 2019

Baghead is the worst movie of all time

Baghead. Yeesh. Low budget AF. The description made it out to be a horror comedy. What it really is is a love triangle amongst struggling actors trying to write their own movie with some bullshit sandwiched in. Did not fucking like. Deleted off my Plex server. Into the ether you go.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Pitting actors against murderers in a self-aware struggle for stardom, Baghead successfully skates the borders of horror and comedy.

Was liked by critics apparently. Fucking 79% on RT, my ass... Though most of the acting pretty alright. A young Greta Gerwig is in it. She's the independent darling now making her case for stardom. Was in Lady Bird which I still need to see. I think of her as the friend in that Ti West movie House of the Devil, a great flick. She is super 80s and cute in it and how she got on my radar. Also check her in the Woody Allen movie To Rome with Love. Probably her biggish break.
She is really good. She also gets topless. Meow. Only reason to see this I guess would be if you are some kind of Gerwig completist or pervert or something. She 100% wins the movie. She is like noticeable a notch above everyone else in the movie, who are all serviceable enough.

Some people can only consider a movie horror if someone dies. This just came up on one of my favorite podcasts, Unspooled, dealing with the AFI Top 100 list. It's tits. Anyway. With like one exception I can think of, April Fool's Day, I agree that horror has to have murder. This ain't got shit. This movie is a pump fake which I will not forgive.

Also, something else I can't deal with is a huge pussy. This chunky guy that wants to get with Gerwig's character is fucking awful. Such a wishy-washy bitch. Almost the same as the fat fuck in Friday the 13th Part 3. The type of guy that is like, "sorry I'm such a fucking loser" when he gets turned down. When he tries to make a move, my vagina shrivels up and dies. She, drunk AF, says he is like her brother, he goes in for a kiss whilst her head is down, he sort of headbutts her, she is like, "ouch, you headbutted me" and headbutts him back. He tries to tell her how he feels but in a totally awful way and she puts little hair clips on him saying he "looks like a toddler." At this point he is like I'm gonna go. The next day he goes to his cool friend guy who wants to make this movie, this guy is there with his on-again-off-again, and asks him to write his character as boyfriend and girlfriend with Gerwig's character. He then says shit like, "hey movie girlfriend," meanwhile, she is writing notes to the cool writer guy saying shit like "seriously, I want to fuck." Ugh. Fucking embarrassment. Don't be this guy, for fuck's sake, be a fucking man.

But hey. I respect that the filmmakers went out and made this shit. No money, no effects, I didn't like it, but fuck it, they made this, likely identifying with the characters who couldn't get a break and shit, and here it is. Out there. An independent success. Props on that.

Murder Mystery is the greatest movie of all time

Murder Mystery.  Part of this whole Adam Sandler is cool again thing from Netflix. I like it and I dug the movie. Right in my wheelhouse. Love Agatha Christie. Love a whodunit that doesn't take itself seriously. Been on a big Adam Sandler kick. Totally my schtick. With that in mind, not too surprising that I would think that it was the greatest movie of all time... And here we are. Critics hated it for the most part but I enjoyed it even though Sandler's character was sort of schmuck and Aniston is finally starting to age, though she still looks great (if a little white trashy, which I assume was intentional).

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Murder Mystery reunites Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler for a lightweight comedy that's content to settle for merely mediocre.

The first 20 minutes of the movie are a depressing mess with Aniston and Sandler's characters, who are married, sort of getting into it because Sandler doesn't do anything and is like the stereotypical embarrassing lazy, generic romcom dude. They've been married for 15 years and he still hasn't taken her on their promised European honeymoon because he is not only lazy, he is also cheap... and a liar. He tells her has had a promotion to detective but he is really just a cop. All this is sad and dumb.

Also, there is a character that plays this Maharishi or some such shit, that uses his spirituality and status as a guru to get laid. There is a term for this in Hinduism I remember learning in Intro to Religion freshman year of college but can't recall it anymore. It's real bad when it comes to rebirth as this is super fucking low but obviously pretty fucking common. This character, played by one Adeel Akhtar who is in that canceled Fox show Ghosted and was one of the terrorists in the mockumentary Four Lions. This guy. Not sure if I fucking hate the shit out of this character or not. He has his moments when I do, that's for fucking sure, but overall, I think I don't know what to think.

But then we get on the plane and Aniston meets some rich dude played by one Luke Evans--a handsome guy whom I only recognize from The Hobbit movies and was apparently in that new horror flick Ma which I haven't gotten around to seeing yet--when she sneaks into first class. He owns the airline or his uncle (Terence Stamp) does or something and befriends the two, inviting them to this shit show yacht trip with all these rich celebrities and shit that his dad is about to disown and announce he is leaving everything to his young wife who was once engaged to Evans. Right before signing his will, though, the lights go out and he gets got. Next thing we know people are dying all over the place.

The movie is at its best when Aniston and Sandler (I feel he wins the movie) ham it up as idiot Americans just along for the ride. They are ridiculously out of place for everything except the last 10 minutes of the movie. They dress like assholes, say dumb shit, and just look like classless idiots. Best with this is when Stamp's character goes through his relationship with all the people he is cutting off, saying shit like, "I gave you a career in film," "you saved my life in a suicide bombing assassination attempt 30 years ago," "you have led my race team to however many Formula One Championships," and so forth. When he sees them and is all, WTF are these idiots doing here. Evans character insists they stay, the rich dude is like, fine, I don't care, I do not care, you are all cut off. He, again, stabbed to death, and we get some solid physical humor with the general guy that saved him from assassination pulling out the knife. Sandler is like, probably want to leave that where it is, and he stabs it into the dead guy again. Hilarious.

I mean, the movie is what it is. If you liked shit like Woody Allen's Manhattan Murder Mystery, which I fucking love, then this is your fucking jam. Not into Murder on the Orient Express or And Then There Were None? First off, what the fuck, man? And second, you're not going to like this shit.

Hell Baby is the greatest movie of all time

Hell Baby. Absurd. If you like movies like Scary Movie, then you will like this. About the same3 grade level. I mean, it's sort of dumb and isn't anything new... But the cast is great and it made me legit LOL. So that is something. Can't say that about too many movies. Plus, it got me crazy for a Po' Boy sammy and some of those good ass Zapp's Voodoo chips. It's my burfday and I went to the farmer's market and got all the things I needed for a breaded oyster mushroom variety and got the chips and looked about town for some Abita Amber which I couldn't find. Got the root beer instead. It's tits. And OMG y'all. This was a meal, let me tell you. This movie, which takes place in N'Olans, totally inspired this once a year (month) type of feast.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Though its brand of immature comedy may appeal to some, Hell Baby misses the mark with much of its humor, rendering it a largely ineffective -- and often crass -- genre sendup.

Rotten Tomato has this flick at 31%. What the fuck is that shit? I mean, there is some dumb stuff. Like this naked old lady (a young dude in makeup) who is always trying to get sexy with Rob Corddry. Or that Keegan-Michael is just allowed to squat under the main couple's home. But this movie has more baby punching than every other film I've ever seen combined. You'll likely easily quadruple the amount of baby punching you've seen lifetime if you make it to the end of this glorious film. Greatest movie of all time.

Anyway. Yeah, cast is stellar. Corddry, Leslie Bibb whom you'll probably know from the first couple Iron Man movies or as the wife in Talladega Nights or Trick 'r Treat, Key from Key and Peele and MadTV fame, Riki Lindhome who is straight up naked for a solid (and pretty hilarious) minute, Rob Huebel who is totally a that guy, Paul Scheer who does like every podcast not a part of The Ringer that I listen to, Robert Ben Garant who was Junior from Reno 911!, Thomas Lennon (Dangle), the Michael Ian Black, and Kumail Nanjiani (the Pakistani dude from Silicon Valley) who is so goddamned funny in this and is so fucking hot right now. I'd watch pretty much anything with the Reno guys and IMB. All these people are funny as shit.

Favorite scene of the flick is after Corddry (the dad), Key as his squatting houseguest, his sister in-law (Lindhome, the blonde from Period Piece, and Nanjiani (who is just there in his capacity as the cable guy hooking up their internet connection) are doing a "Native American" blessing ritual of the house, basically just smoking a shit ton of weed, there is an earthquake that happens just inside the house, the demons don't like this apparently, and Nanjiani goes to leave. Everyone is all like, "are you okay to drive, man?" and delivers the best line of the flick, "well, I'm really high... so, we'll find out." He then gets in his work van and proceeds to drive off at a mile and a half an hour until he hits a neighbors trash can, knocks it over, and pushes it down the block. At some point he realizes there is something slowing him down, puts it in reverse, backs up two or three feet, and proceeds to drive into it again. Ah, high driving. The old "you'll get there eventually." Indeed, hilarious. ABs says "watch that shits".

Saturday, June 29, 2019

Ghoulies is the worst movie of all time

Ghoulies. Jesus. This movie fucking sucked. The only positive thing I have to say about it was that one of the ghoulies, the baby ghouly, of which there are at least three, looks like my dog Lucille. Sick abs and all.

What the fuck is going on in this movie is a mystery and extremely hard to follow. From watching it twice(fish), I've gathered that some evil man-child goes back to what is sort of his childhood home with a lady friend where he was almost sacrificed, has a bunch of friends over, and summons a bunch of demon things and medieval, satanic midgets that cause mischief. These folks either get possessed or killed by low budget monsters. Allllrighty then. 

The movie is cut in such a way that I thought the main character and the guy necromancing were two different people. They weren't, I eventually found out. But you do get to see him shirtless. Which, mee-yow, this guy has the body of a 14 year-old and the face of someone in their mid 50s. He isn't some like marathon runner or anything, lest you get the wrong idea. He is tall, sort of muscular in a genetic never worked out way with no pecs, tiny nipples, and no body hair. A great look, for sure.

Only scene that is really worth watching is when the ghoulies crash the group's dinner party from the inside of the food, like one eats it's way out of the roast, while everyone just shoots the  shit and doesn't notice dick. That scene is like 10 seconds long. The rest of the movie is demon seances, there are bordering on double digits which the characters just sort of scream through for the most part, and masturbatory bullshit.

Did have a kill that was pretty fucking funny though. In this one one of the idiot frat bro type dudes in the movie walks into a room where he thinks someone he knows (I guess) is smoking a joint. This is all out of nowhere, mind you, and he says something like, "hey, don't bogart that joint!" as smoke sort of rises up around this figure with its back to us. It turns around and it's the two midgets stacked up with a cat ghoulie in his arms which he throws at the dude and it starts eating his face. 

No good quotes. No good kills. No one won the movie. This was not a good flick. I could barely finish it. The sequels can't be any worse. Don't waste your time. I'm telling you, this is legit the worst of the worst.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Toy Story 4 is the greatest movie of all time

Toy Story 4. Pixar. Dope shit. Just as good as the other films in the franchise. Took me back to 8th grade. Watching this shit. Brought a tear to my eye once or twice and made me jump more than once with the creepy ventriloquist dolls popping up everywhere and trying to rip out voice boxes and all.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Heartwarming, funny, and beautifully animated, Toy Story 4 manages the unlikely feat of extending -- and perhaps concluding -- a practically perfect animated saga.

The band is still together. Bonnie is the new toy owner. Remarkably, the toys, they're all there. Given to this little kid in bulk. Only one that got away or whatevs was Bo Peep, voiced by Elaine from Ghostbusters, who is out in the world on her own, a lost toy, but she thriving. Living her best life and what not. She don't need no kid. I feel you, Bo. Anyway, this Bonnie has some separation issues when starting school. It's only orientation and all the other kids have been chums since the womb, I guess. But there she is. No friends to speak of. Wood (T.Hanks), who sneaks in to school with her by hopping into her backpack, tries to help by giving her a bunch of trash. With said trash, this Bonnie idiot makes herself a little friend and names it "Forky" because, you know, it's a spork and kids are sort of dumb. Stupid kids. This monstrosity comes to life and Woody takes it upon himself to protect it and what not. But trash is gonna trash and he, voiced by Tony Hale (Baby Buster from Arrested Development), keeps trying to litter himself and ends up on the highway. 

Woody finds him and they head to the RV park that Bonnie and her fam are staying at when he sees Bo Peep's little nightlight that she and her three headed goat (Billy, Goat, Gruff) were a part of in an antique store. So Woody and Forky go into the shop and some creepy ass, possessed doll with a faulty voice box, Gabby, voiced by the bustalicious Christina Hendricks, and her army of demonic ventriloquist dummies led by this maniac Benson, see that Woody's intact box is just waiting to be ripped out of his insides and stuffed into ghoulish Gabby. When they fail, they end up taking Forky hostage. Woody then employs a bunch of vintage, abandoned toys, as well as a pair of stuffed carnival prizes that reunites Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele literally as they are attached at the wrist, in taking back this goddamned abomination of a toy.

Best lines of the movie where surprisingly delivered by Forky. Sort of a dark horse in this category. He had a couple that were killer. Always cheery, one came when he was being held captive and what not by Gabby when henchman ventriloquist butler Benson sort of claps at him and he gleefully exclaims "he is terrifying!" The other, and the best in the movie, is when he is trying to convince Woody that he is not in fact a toy and is indeed trash. "I was meant for soup, salad, maybe chili. And then the trash!," he says before launching himself out of the window of the RV, exclaiming, "I'm litter!" with pure joy.

Hanks is fucking perfect in this role and totally wins the fucking movie. Maybe his best ever though I am pretty partial to Jimmy Dugan. So is Annie Potts as Bo and Hendricks is pretty great as well, displaying a convincing range in this flick. You go from hating her to totes empathizing and what not. Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear is stellar. Also my favorite role for him. But Keanu goddamn Reeves steals the show, as he does, with as Canadian stuntman action figure Duke Caboom. From the trailer I was a bit worried about this guy as it looked irritating AF. But he is over the top in a good way as opposed to the annoying way he comes off in the preview. 

Also, sort of got tired of writing so much about every flick and stopped doing it. Was doing a lot of writing magazine articles for my side hustle, cover letter writing, and company newsletter shits. It stopped being fun. But now I'm getting back into it. Going to try to keep these short and sweet. Just what I liked or didn't. A joke or two. Stuff that stuck out. Shit like that.