Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is the worst movie of all time


Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Holy shit snacks. This movie is BAD and crazy. So much nonsense. Lowest box office totals of the Halloween franchise. I'm guessing this is generally what happens when you just wing the plot as you go along. With Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers ending so definitively with Myers getting his ass lit up and buried and his niece, little Jamie Lloyd, stabbing her foster mother and taking up the role of pure evil. While they don't totally ignore the ending of Halloween 4, they do dismiss it. Jamie has a psychic connection to Michael in Halloween 5 but she no longer has his evil inside her or whatever and they chalk up her trying to kill her foster mother as a fluke. Going in, the previous director and writer, one Dwight H. Little and Alan McElroy respectively, set the stage for a Loomis focused film where he would either try to stop this evil, killer child from or try to help her from turning completely evil or some shit. That was idea at least but they didn't want to do it as they thought they should probably exit on a high note which Halloween 4 was. But Moustapha Akkad, who owned the rights, disagreed and was all about him some Mikey Myers. So when the first screenwriter offered up a draft where Jamie inherited Michael's evil, Akkad fired him and hired an eccentric named  Dominique Othenin-Girard who just got weird with it. Worst movie ever.

Pros: The only Michael Myers film other than the original Halloween that actually feels like it takes place on Halloween. They really do up the festivities in this one. The chick who plays Tina, though annoying, is pretty attractive. While this movie is complete trash... it is sort of fun in the end.

Cons: The wheels really come off the bus plotwise. Kill off the best character from Halloween 4 almost immediately. The Man in Black stuff is just awful. As is the Mark of Thorn. More animal cruelty. The mask looks like shit. The performances on the whole are exceptionally bad. The Keystone Cops are just embarrassing.

And heeeerrrreee we go... With the events of Halloween 4 a year behind--these events include the entire police department getting butchered, the sheriff's daughter getting impaled with a shotgun, a kid getting shot to death by a roaming death squad, and the protagonist (Jamie Lloyd) trying to stab her foster moth to death with a pair of scissors--everyone except for Jamie and Dr. Loomis, Myer's former shrink, are ready to move on and forget the killer that they assume to be dead... But he's not. Not even close.

Tina, the brunette, and some other chick
The movie stars, once again, Donald Pleasence as Dr. Sam Loomis and Danielle Harris as Jamie Lloyd, both of whom were in Halloween 4. Only others returning, to my knowledge, were Ellie Cornell who briefly reprises the role of Rachel and Beau Starr returns as Sheriff Ben Meeker. Newcomers include Wendy Foxworth (as Wendy Kaplan) plays Tina who more or less completely replaces Rachel after that character is killed off early in the flick, Jonathan Chapin as Tina's raging dickbag boyfriend Mikey, Tamara Glynn as Samantha (the blonde friend of Tina), Jeffrey Landman as Jamie little annoying buddy Billy, and Matthew Walker as Spitz who is this way over the top blonde guy with a death wish who keeps dressing up like Michael Myers and pretends to stab people. Donald L. Shanks takes on the role of The Shape aka Michael Myers.

The film was directed by one Dominique Othenin-Girard who seems like a real piece of work and hasn't done anything you've seen since movie came out 30 years ago. As you can imagine, there is some real shit in this movie and it is more or less all attributable to Othenin-Girard. I'm limiting it as I don't have the energy to rage about everything. First, lets start with the most ridiculous opening scene of all time where in Myers slips out the back of a  mine after getting shot 50 times and crawls into a river as Illinois's finest toss a stick of dynamite down the shaft. The way he crawls... It is hard to convey how dumb this looks. From there he slipped into a river and floated down stream where some bum with a fishing shack pulls Myers out of the river and cares for him as he chills in a coma for a year until the next Halloween rolls around. What this entails--feeding him, changing him, so forth--is unclear. Once Myers comes to, he immediately repays this guy by murdering him... and then he's off.  

Also early in the film we learn Jamie's foster parents, Rachel's biologicals, decide to go out of town on vacation one year to the day that a masked maniac killed half the town, tried to kill both of the children in their care, and offed the family dog AND their foster daughter tried to stab one of them to death for which she is locked away in the children's clinic. Seems like a great time to get out of dodge, don't get me wrong, but maybe take the kids with you on that one. No time for a second honeymoon, I guess you can say. Anyway, Rachel, again, is not long for this movie. Way hotter than she was in the previous flick, we get a close call as we see Myers wandering around inside her home as she showers. Luckily, though, Jamie, now mute, is psychically connected to Myers or something and knows he's about to kill which she like pantomimes to Loomis choking out words like "dog" and "Rachel" and so forth. "What's that, girl? Timmy is stuck in the well!" "Dog" was in reference to the family's new dog after the previous one was killed the year before. We see late in the film that this dog is murdered too although when this happens is also unclear since the dog is tied up outside when Tina gets to the crib after Rachel has been murdered, but I digress. For now Myers just let the dog out and he is loose to roam the neighborhood. But these fucking awful Keystone Cops are out and about and find him. "Find dogs; rescue cats. It's our job and we love it," is something they actually say as goofy slide whistle music plays in the background. These two fucking suck. They go in and look around and shit but do a half-assed job and Rachel goes back in and gets murdered. No one really asks where she is or anything which is weird since they are all supposed to kick it together at this huge house party and her sister or whatever, Jamie, is constantly freaking out and what not.

Apparently the actress, Cornell, was super pissed about this shit, and rightfully so. In Halloween 4 she was a bad-ass and what not. Here she is in a scene where she looks and acts completely differently where she showers and then dies. It wasn't even a matter of her wanting more money like with all the "returning" characters that had similar fates in the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies as Cornell threatened to walk when she saw what happened to her character. Originally, all the same shit was supposed to go down but she was supposed to die more violently with scissors going in her mouth and down her throat. It sounds weird and Cornell called bullshit on that. So they ended up changing the death and throwing more money her way which sort of worked out for her but then again she still had to be in this POS. This was producer Moustapha Akkad big regret when it came to the film. At the time leaving basically all creative control up to Othenin-Girard who thought that if Rachel's character went early, then it meant "anything could happen next" which was cliched to shit by that point.

Oh Billy
More shit here, this kid Billy is fucking irritating. This kid makes me irrationally angry. I'm sure the child actor is serviceable or whatever but the shit they have him do. Like how he constantly fake stutters and is always whining and shit. He is sort of this constant presence in Jamie's life, sidling around and being annoying. At one point Loomis has had enough of him and acts disgusted. This, also early in the movie, is pretty subtle but totally noticeable. It's in the children's hospital (not trying to think too much about how hard that kid would have it to be in there with a kid that tried to kill her foster mother and what not) after Jamie just had one of her freak outs. Loomis sort of throws him out with this look of disgust on his face without saying a word. Also, Loomis should still think that Michael is dead and what not but is totally in the know that he is alive despite any evidence whatsoever. It's just a feel he has I guess but have no idea since it isn't at all explained or really hinted at in the movie.

The last bit of shit I'll get into is everything to do with "The Man in Black" (MIB), a guy we see take public trans, which is cool... The character is played by Shanks who was also Michael Myers. No one, including the director or writer, had any idea who the fuck the character was supposed to be or where the story line was going. The character ends up breaking Myers from prison after he is captured by Loomis who chains and tranqus him before beating him into submission with a wood plank and then having a heart attack on top of him. This fucking guy. Why the fuck? He was never part of the plan, which is obvious, and was added halfway through after Akkad started to freak out about the way the film was turning out with the various plot holes and what have you. So Akkad's suggestion was basically to make the movie more confusing and that they would hire someone else to clean it up in the next installment which is all insane nonsense. This is also where we start to get this "Mark of Thorn" bullshit, more on that in the next movie.

I could go on with more shit here like how the Myers's house is completely different than it was in the first flick or how this shithead Spitz runs out in a Myers mask wielding a knife at the cops which is a great way to die or any number of other things that don't make any sense and are just crazy that happen in this movie. But I ain't got all night. So yeah. Lots of shit. Little desire to spend any more time thinking about it. 

Anyyyywhoooo. Favorite quote of the flick comes at the end when Meeker or whoever explains what is going to happen with Myers now that they have caught him because, again, that happens. In it he says something like "from here it is to a federal super-max where Myers will stay until the day he dies." And Jamie, delivering the best line of the movie, solemnly says "he'll never die." True dat.

Best kill isn't anything special really. Just a weird three pronged hook tool thing to the head. But it is satisfying because it is Tina's dickhead boyfriend Mikey who gets it. He spends his minute and a half or so on screen just being an unbelievable asshole. Tells his friend he'll kill him for touching his car, treats Tina like absolute shit, peeling out when travelling less than 50 feet from one side of the liquor store to the other, and he even tries to fight Myers for scratching his car with said hook thing. Super satisfying when he gets his which leads to my favorite scene of the movie.

Favorite scene I chose based on unintentional hilarity. It's the one where Myers, having killed Tina's boyfriend Mikey, goes and picks her up for their date at country farm party which is all kinds of insane. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing what Myers would be like as a boyfriend and all, and it turns out not much worse than her real boyfriend Mikey was. Myers picks her up at her house, honks impatiently for her to come out, drives like a maniac, and slams on the breaks going 60 when Tina nags him to stop and get cigarettes. He's had enough and plans on killing her when she gets back in the car from the convenience store. But Jamie has a vision of the convenience store logo that is a cookie woman with big cartoon cookie tits which Billy interprets for everyone and someone recognizes as said store. So all the cops show up and Myers discretely bounces which Tina thinks was Mikey being a prick. Absurd.

Going with Donald Pleasence for the MVP. More of a half-hearted, token MVP for this one. Sort of like when Steve McNair won the NFL MVP back in the early 2000s. He was a top five player for so long at that point, hey, he did alright, probably not truly the best, but he's old and has hung in there for let's give him the MVP situation. He does alright here and I'm really sure who else I'd give it to. Probably not Harris who also does fine. But Pleasence really goes for a couple of times here. There is the scene where he challenges Myers to come to his old house where he killed his sister back in the day. Then, once he gets him there and all the police leave based on Jamie's vision, which is more for the shit pile that I didn't get to, Loomis does some dumb shit so he can have his little showdown with Michael. How he catches him in the end involves a lot impossible planning that we don't see and couldn't have happened unless the cops were in on it but I digress, again. But the scene where he goes for is genuinely well performed but is just some more dumb shit. It's where Loomis starts trying to talk sense into Michael whom he has thought was pure evil for 25 years. Oh it's dumb and doesn't make sense but dude is impassioned, for sure.

Yeah, this movie is nuts, makes no sense, and is just bad. Don't watch it unless you are a Halloween completest as it doesn't even resemble John Carpenter's original in pretty much any way. Really looking forward to when H20 resets the goddamn universe back to after Halloween II. But of course, we still have Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers to get through before that sweet relief.

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