Friday, August 24, 2018

Lumberjack Man is the greatest movie of all time

Lumberjack Man. Bar was pretty low after the Sleepaway Camp movies but this camp flick ended up being a sort of a better version what that franchise was going for with some supernatural elements thrown in. It's more or less like other camp movies, but is a little more self-aware. The camp is a christian one, as well, which they play up for comedic effect. Plus, Michael Madsen is in it which is the real reason I decided to give it a go. Good thing I did too as it was the greatest film of all time.

Pros: Gory and campy fun. Decent amount of generic gratuitous nudity. Like that it was set at a Jesus camp. Lots of pretty ladies/nudity. Had a couple of good chuckles. Diverse and frequent kills.

Cons: You'd think with a name like "Lumberjack Man" the killer would dress like a lumberjack, man. Pretty sure Madsen was drunk during all of his scenes. Not the best acting. People say a bunch of shit that humans would never say. The ending was pretty lame and went on too long. Too much talk of pancakes. Two dumb guys even call boobs "flapjacks" which is stupid.

Here's the gist. A motley crew of counselors go in for training at the Good Friends Church Camp when they start getting picked off by a vengeful zombie that uses their blood as his pancake syrup. Pretty sure the only person anyone has ever seen before in this flick is Michael Madsen who plays a doctor or historian or something who is also a pancake expert who drives a Smartcar which is supposed to funny, I guess. Also in the movie are the likes of Alex Dobrenko, Ciara Flynn, Chase Joliet, Jarrett King, Brina Palencia, Andy San Dimas who appears to do porn, and Adam Sessler who I guess was sort of famous in the gaming world or something for a show he hosted called X-Play. None of these people have I ever heard of or seen before but they are fine. The dudes are all 35 playing teenagers while some of the girls are probably early 20s.

As a militant atheist, dig that the camp is a Christian one and they make them all look like ridiculous hypocrites (as like 7/10 of them are). Stuff like the head camp guy, Doug who is played by Sessler, is one of those doesn't-like-hearing-uncomfortable-things Christians that peeps on chicks and when shit goes down pushes campers out of the way and barricades himself in a room telling people about to get slaughtered that he "wouldn't open the door for Jesus." Also like the dumb guy--spoiler, they are all dumb--who dressed up like Jesus and bones two chicks, saying stuff like "are you ready for the second coming?" and "he is risen" when he pops a boner. This was easily my favorite scene of the movie.

He is risen
Lot of sick kills like ripping a guy's head and spine out Mortal Combat style, tree taps a girl's head, tree falls on a guy from toe to head and his brain explodes out the top of his skull, and chopping a guy in half with his legs continuing to run. But my fave is when a chick gets her breast implants ripped out through her back and then the Lumberjack Man throws them at a guy and kills him. That was, indeed, pretty humorous but there is a serious amount of carnage in this flick with 25ish total kills.

While I did dig the movie, I have some bones to pick about the ending that just goes on forever. Basically have to go through all of this ritualistic stuff to be able to kill him. Like the virgin among them, i.e. the survivor girl, has to strip down and cover herself in maple syrup in order to do anything to him because he hates maple syrup. He gets shot, blown up, we get his backstory about how he is a demon or whatever, all that shit right here while they keep trying to find a way to kill him. There is some humor here like when the chick calls out Madsen for making her strip down and when Madsen tries to open up a syrup packet but can't and just throws it at him. But yeah, goes on too long and even after they kill him there is another ending where they go to the road and hitchhike back to town in real time. They are covered in blood and this guy in a truck shockingly picks them up and then they treat him like shit. All he is asks is what happened and they are like, "fuck you!" Ok. So then he is like, "do you want pancakes?" and they are all "you don't know shit about pancakes, bra," and "you don't know what pancakes is!" which whatever. But still pretty solid overall.

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