Friday, June 29, 2018

Hereditary is the greatest movie of all time

Hereditary. Man, this sure goes to some unexpected places. This is a new movie and there will be massive spoilers so don't fucking give me any shit if you read on. It rarely happens but still. So, anyway, yeah, weird. Was one of four people in the theater. The other three, a little family consisting of middle-aged couple and a high school (ish) daughter, were like, "uh, well, what did you think of that? Really something, huh?" Yeah, that sentiment, I'd say that pretty much summed it up.  I can totally see why critics love it and audiences hate it. So if you liked that movie The Witch that came out a couple of years ago and that everyone is comparing this to, you'll probably like this in that it was a lot of "what the hell is happening" followed by an "oh my god it's over." Yeah, they are both very much those critics A-, audience D movies, if you know what I mean. An extremely disturbing ending will do that for you. So, if you liked that other movie or movies that have endings that are super fucked, then I've got something for you over here... Hereditary is the greatest movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Hereditary uses its classic setup as the framework for a harrowing, uncommonly unsettling horror film whose cold touch lingers long beyond the closing credits.

Pros: Ending is super out there. Toni Collette is a hell of an actress. Does a pretty good job of insane. A lot of detail to make the reveal believable (much like Get Out). A slow burn that builds to insanity.

Cons: Not all of it holds up under any sort of scrutiny. Little too over-the-top.

Here we go. Movie opens with the death of grandma Ellen. Her daughter, Annie played by Toni Collette, and the grieving family begin having strange occurrences having to do with their shared ancestry that becomes increasingly horrible as per use in the horror genre. Early on we lose one of the two children when son Peter, played by Alex Wolff from Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, gets baked at a party and his little sister Charlie, played by Milly Shapiro, eats a piece of nut cake despite her nut allergy and the brother decapitates her in a freak accident while driving her to the hospital (I'll get into this later). From there we get seances and possession and hauntings and crazy people and all that fun stuff. It is a pretty standard horror movie you've seen 100 times for the first three-fourths of the movie. Then shit gets cray. This is a motherfucker of a beast of a domestic breakdown flick. It is writer/director Ari Aster's first feature film. It also stars Gabriel Byrne as the dad and Ann Dowd as the creepy-ass "friend" Joanie.

While Hereditary is most compared to The Witch, I thought it more in tune with the mumblegore film (movies with naturalistic acting and often improvised dialogue, low-budget film production, and a focus on the personal relationships)--which, to be clear, this film is not--is House of the Devil. That film, set in the '80s during the "satanic panic", was directed by one Ti West who is a genius, and deals with a broke college girl that babysits for a strange couple in an old house. When she gets there, the home owner informs her that it is not their child that she will be watching but his ailing mom. As the story goes on, she starts uncovering weirder and weirder happenings revolving around a cult bent on ushering in the antichrist. Like that film, this is a slow burn that gets more fucked as shit goes down, ultimately building into one hell of a crazy ass conclusion.

Joanie. Huge bitch
The breakout star of this flick is 100% Toni Collette who is just incredible. She was totally unhinged and insane with grief. Two scenes that really did it for me were the one where Joanie is trying to tell her about how she conjured up the spirits of her dead son/grandson. There is this crazy desperation to the scene with Joanie pawing at her and her resisting the whole thing as nonsense. It is obviously too much for her and she doesn't know how to handle it. She then turns around and does this same shit to her family much to her husband and son's annoyances. The next scene that really shows off her chops comes at the end when she is just fucking devastated. She is completely leveled in a truly horrible way. It is uncomfortable as fuck to watch but is an undeniably great performance.

This is a flick that requires a lot of attention, likely a second viewing. So basically the whole movie revolves around this body snatching, demon worshiping cult that has maybe already put the demon's consciousness in the girl (it is somewhat unclear if the demon has fully manifested in the girl as it prefers male hosts). Everyone in this world seems to be in on it and everything that goes down was all according to plan (no matter how outlandish). Regardless of if Charlie was always possessed or not, the demon needs a male host. The grandmother tried this once before as Annie, the mom, explains her brother committed suicide because he believed that their mother was trying to put people inside of him. We see that she was basically always willing to sacrifice her family for this cause and even went so far as to Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradling her granddaughter (i.e. breastfeeding her). With me so far? Probably not. I too was lost.

"It's alright, bra. She'll shake it off. She's a rock."
As this was not a super clean movie, there were so many things that confused me. So my questions are why did Gabriel Byrne catch fire instead of the mom? Who possessed the mom when she cut her own head off? Was this like an Oedipus type of fucked situation that caused instant insanity? Why did the demon baby need to be a boy exactly? Is the boy like in the sunken place forever? Or will splashing with water wake him up as it did when Annie was possessed. Also, why go about possessing the daughter in the first place? Why not perform the ritual on the boy when he is like a toddler or something. The movie definitely requires multiple viewings but I'll be damned if I ever watch that shit again.

I was able to answer one glaring plot hole through a bit of research which I guess makes it not a plot hole, technically. This was from the scene where the girl, who was maybe a demon already, ate a piece of cake with nuts in it and her brother takes her to the hospital but gets into an accident and decapitates her instead (he drives home and goes to bed in shock after this takes place by the way, leaving her head on the side of the road). The issue was if the cult was just like hoping the little girl would die or if they forced that to happen in some way.  Apparently when the decapitated head shot pans up, that one Paimon symbol that everyone wheres is on the pole. The shock of that scene was fucking terrible and insane. It sort of makes you sick to your stomach. Holy fuck, man. That is basically the holy movie. Great but not one to watch more than once.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Freddy vs. Jason is the greatest movie of all time

It has taken me a year to get here but I'm finally there. All of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies. The end of two franchises. That is 19 total films. Most of them considered terrible. Personally, I was kinda surprised at how watchable they were. The Jason movies especially which I remembered as just being complete trash. They were, I guess, from a critical standpoint. But what can you say? They gave the people what they want. Gnarly kills, hot chick gratuitous nudity, and just enough plot to keep it interesting. Plus we get to hear Robert Englund say "bitch" a million times. After all that, finally getting around to Freddy vs. Jason. The two heavy weights of horror going at. Greatest movie of all time right there.

For people my age or a little older, late 30s/40s, this was over a decade coming and a super big deal. I remember before this came out I was at a party with some kid who was in a focus group for the flick. This was early summer 2003. He regaled like 30 people at this soiree with the entire plot of the movie and everyone was enthralled. It was one of the strangest communal experiences I've ever had; but this sort of shows you how guys and girls, at least the breed I hung out with, were losing their minds with anticipation for this movie... And then it came out and most people were disappointed. Other than some nitpicks, those people are wrong (though I doubt I'll ever watch it again, twice was definitely enough). This is definitely the best way these two franchises could have ended. 

Pros: Way over-the-top. Satisfying ending for both franchises. Definitely a pleaser for hardcore fans. 

Cons: The homophobia doesn't age well. Most the teens are annoying. The plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense. 

Lot of that
Gist here is Freddy Krueger (played by Robert Englund, per use) and Jason Voorhees get it on and kill teens between their battle scenes. That's it, pretty much. Ignoring Jason X and New Nightmare, both characters start out in hell following the events of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and Jason Goes to Hell. There is a surprising amount of Jason and Freddy flying around in the flick. The movie was directed by Ronny Yu whose previous work included Bride of Chucky and a bunch of shit I've never seen. The teens include Monica Keena, Chris Marquette, Jason Ritter, and Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child. All of these "kids" are people you sort of recognize but have no idea where from. Lot of frosted tips among them. Playing Jason in this one is Ken Kirzinger which pissed the hell out of Kane Hodder, who played Jason in the previous four films and pushed hard to make this film happen. Kirzinger is fucking enormous and apparently why they went with him over Hodder who New Line, the studio, dissed for being too short. Shit is cold blooded. But Kirzinger actually appeared in Friday 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan as a cook that gets tooled on and a as double for Jason in various scenes. 

Lets get into it. So both characters, who are in hell, get their own little intros. For Freddy, we get the standard toying with and murdering a child (thankfully off screen). While this is happening an angry mob is forming outside of his house while he gloats and looks at newspaper articles he has in his boiler room about going free on a technicality. Unacceptable to the mob, they break in and torch him. So yeah, it starts like basically every other movie in the franchise. As for Jason, we first see a chick at Crystal Lake get naked, go for a swim, see Jason, run, and die. Freddy shows up as Jason's mother around here, telling him to go kill on Elm Street which like breaks him out of hell, I guess. We later find that Freddy has to build his strength up to kill in the dream world by having Jason kill in the real world or something. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense so it is best not to dwell on how we get anywhere in this movie. 

Some shit of note here. Parents on Elm Street just fucking love drugging their kids to get them to sleep. Every one of these Freddy movies has a kid that won't sleep because you know Freddy is kill his/her friends and that kid's parents slip sleeping pills in their soup or whatever. In every damn movie! This is no exception as the survivor girl's dad does this to her, nearly getting her killed even though this guy has clearly had run ins with the dream killer. 

The nadir of the flick comes near the end when Destiny's Child tries to piss Freddy off and have him come at her, leading him away from the survivor chick. She does this by first questioning his manhood/penis size and then calling him a "faggot". This is 2003. They should have fucking known better. This was truly appalling when I saw this in the theater and people gasped at how inappropriate it was even 15 years ago and it has only aged worse since then.

I'd rather die than hate...

Anywho, favorite scene is definitely where Freddy and Jason attend a rave which ends in carnage. The teens attend said rave after several of their buds were killed like the day before. No time to mourn; party on, I guess. One of the chicks, who's asshole boyfriend was the first one to die, shows up and gets wasted. She gets fucked up and passes out which brings Freddy around. While this stuff is going down, some other asshole shows up and sexually assaults her. Right before Freddy kills her in the dream world though, Jason shows up and murders her and her #MeToo. From there Jason goes to said kegger where like hundreds of 30 year old high school students have gathered. When Jason goes to get a beer or something, some idiot stops him and is like "this ain't a Halloween party! Why don't you find yourself a pig to fuck," and Jason twists his head around. The dude's buddy then sets Jason on fire which just pisses him off. Now you have a flaming, irate Jason just murdering the shit out of everyone. Even Freddy is like we have to get this guy under control. It's great.

Jason Voorhees. Not a guy that pays for keg beer

This is indeed something that happens
That eventually leads to this Jason Mewes type stoner character to getting possessed by Freddy as his plan is to find a way to knock Jason out in the real world since the dude doesn't really sleep and then finish him off in the dream world. The way he goes about this is when the stoner passes out after a little horribly timed "joint break" during a hospital breakout, don't ask, and shows up as a ridiculous looking CGI, Alice in Wonderland style caterpillar. Stoned, Freddy climbs down the guys throat and controls him in the real world. When his friends are like, lets get out of here, he drops a very Freddy line with "let me handle this, bitch!" Oh that Freddy Kruger and the word "bitch". He fucking loves it. Anyway, he ends up tranquing Jason and then coming at him where he has the advantage which doesn't work. Long story short, the survivor girl eventually goes to the dream world and pulls Freddy into the real world where the two killers have their final showdown. Did I mention this movie was confusing?

There is no inappropriate time to spark a doob
Seems like a good time to bring up the best line and summary of the movie. It comes when they are going over some insane strategy to killer off the two immortal murderers and someone ask how any of this makes sense. The Jason Mewes dude then, in very Jason Mewes fashion, screams, "you don't get it, do you, nothing makes sense!" Watch the movie and you'll see. 

As far as who comes out on top, Jason definitely wins the movie. The final fight, which is insane, sort of ends with Jason ripping off Freddy's arm for like the fifth time in the movie. From there there is a massive explosion set up by the kids and we get more Freddy and Jason flying through the air. This time like 100 feet into the lake. You think it's over if you've never seen a horror movie when Freddy busts out of the lake and comes at the surviving teens with Jason's machete in his remaining arm. But wait, Jason comes out of the water with Freddy's severed arm and stabs him with it, which is a nice touch. The survivor girl then finishes him off with a "welcome to my world, bitch," and chops his head off with the machete. In the final scene we see Jason crawling out of the water with Freddy's severed head in his hand. Freddy gives a suggestive wink but he is obviously in a pretty bad way. So Jason is free to skull fuck him or whatever before whatever goes down in Jason X. And that is the end of both fucking franchises. Thank fuck both of them and thank fuck that it's over. Jesus shit Christ.

The last we see of olde Robert England as Freddy

Friday, June 22, 2018

Street Trash is the greatest movie of all time

Holy shit. Street Trash is fucking bananas. This is genuinely an insane, next level melting horror flick that everyone needs to check. It's basically homeless people melting and exploding with bum shenanigans mixed in. Didn't realize melting movies were a popular sub genre of horror until I was doing research for this crazy flick. This is not for the faint of heart. It is disgusting, offensive, and brutal. There is also a lot of uncomfortable homeless nudity. If you are into that, or can at least stomach it, then you are in luck because this is the greatest movie of all time. 

Pros: Super funny (especially the scene with the homeless shoplifter). Great gore. Beats along pretty well. The plot, while ludicrous, is pretty fucking interesting. 

Cons: Truly disgusting. Way too many naked homeless people. A pretty gruesome rape/murder. 

The only chick that isn't disgusting
Ok. Here. We. Go. Gist is the owner of a Brooklyn liquor store discovers some prohibition era hooch in the wall of his store and decides to sell it to the homeless for $1. Unbeknownst to him, the contaminated bum wine melts all who drink it into blue/green/purple puddles of slime with some of them exploding and so forth. The issue is the result of some sort of government conspiracy like how the CIA created AIDS to kill off black people. They sort of abandon this story line for long periods of time. Instead, the movie explorers the hobo lifestyle as well as bum hierarchy as up and coming bums do battle with a feudal bum king type that seems to be more or less above the law. It's super Peter Jackson esque. The movie was directed by James M. Muro in his only feature film which is an outrage considering how good this was. I can't (but sort of can) believe that no one gave him another shot at directing a feature film. This is where director Bryan Singer (of The Usual Suspects and various X-Men movie fame) got his start and Muro has worked on several of his projects, mostly as camera man or director of photography, over the years. The movie stars Mike Lackey, R. L. Ryan, James Lorinz, and  Vic Noto, none of whom I've ever seen. Fun fact about this flick, when the cast and crew arrived to the premiere, instead of renting a limo, they rented a garbage truck that took them to the red carpet which is hilarious and appropriate. 

Some sexy melting action

Several dope scenes here but I am sticking my with the most memorable that doesn't involve a horrific rape/murder. In this one, this bum accidentally pees on the bum king and the bum king cuts the guy's dick off. From there he throws it to the other homeless people who then play keep away with it, tossing and punting it like a football. He eventually gets it back and seems to be on his way to getting it reattached which I'm sure his insurance will likely cover.

The offensive hooch
Something that cracked me up though were the various scenes between this idiot restaurant doorman and the owner who is some sort of mob boss. It was the owner's girl that was raped and murdered a few scenes before. The police bring these guys in and are sort of getting statements from them at the same time when the idiot doorman is like "I have all this dirt on the owner" and starts talking hella shit. The cop is like, "uh, what are you doing, bro?" and he is like, "can't I get some witness protection?" The cop is like, "no, and you should probably stop talking." So this shit is awkward and now he has a mob boss talking about how he is going to murder the shit out of him and what not. All of their scenes are pretty great and just one of the several side plots that go on and are affected by the tainted hooch. 

The breakout star of this film is the shoplifting bum who is just too much and seems to live by a sort of hobo code (more on that later). The scene where he really steals the show and yuks it up is when he pops in the grocery store and just starts shoving an insane amount of food down his pants. The whole scene is one of the most absurd things I've ever seen. Eventually he draws the attention of an old white lady who is beyond shocked which prompts a "whatchoo staring at bitch?" much to her indignation. She states that she is going to tell on him and he yells loudly to no one "wrinkly honky mother fucker thinks this is junior high" which is always funny. Then the manager, another black dude that he thinks is a "brother", asks him what he is doing with so much chicken in his pants. He tries to play dumb but he has an insane amount of chicken sticking out of cuff of his pants. He then produces a receipt for dog food and gets outraged and bums out when the guy is like, "let's get security to figure this out." He then starts spouting crazy homeless person stuff about reporting him to his superior before putting a paper bag on his head and bursting out of a window. I feel I have seen stuff go down like this IRL but then it is more sad than hilarious, which this was. Totally worth checking out so here you go. 

"I always knew it would end this way."
Some of the melting scenes are really something. My personal faves were when a fat guy rapist/necrophiliac drinks it and explodes, the main bad guy's disgusting homeless chick (the bad guy is like a murdering,psycho, bearded, Vietnam vet, king of bums type by the by) drinks the hooch and her tits fall off, and the one where the main bad guy's snitch henchman steals it and gets his comeuppance. In the last one the protagonist bum, who has figured out that the hooch kills, walks around with the bottle on display, knowing that the dickhead would steal it. So the guy attacks him and takes it. But the shoplifting bum from earlier sees it go down and takes it back as it is against the hobo code, if you will. So he gives it back and the guy is like, uh, thanks, and basically coaxes the guy into trying again, which he does, and fucking dies.   

If you make it to the end, I assume the rape and bum fights are going to turn off a lot of people, the death at the end was one of the most awesome and unexpected of all time. The bumtagonist is trying to save this cute homeless chick from the king bum guy who is completely losing his shit and shoots an air tank air tank at him by knocking off the air valve off of the end. I sort of expected it to hit him and knock him out or something as it would in most movies now. But no. It hits him square in the chest and knocks his head off. He sort of explodes out of nowhere and the upper part of his chest at the shoulders and head just go flying off. It is sort of weird but looks awesome and real. Still barely holding on, the guy looks up the girl's skirt he was going to kill as she steps over his decapitated head. It is funny as fuck and a totally insane way to end this fucking crazy ass flick.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

The Big Year is the greatest movie of all time

The Big Year. This movie is the best. Seriously. A movie about birding. After my last couple days of birding, went on the hunt for a roseate spoonbill (the second ever one to show up in Indiana) which I finally saw after 10 or so hours of tracking it, my female companion, shout out to Rachel, recommended this movie. Absolutely loved it. The flick was truly inspiring. If you are a birder you have to watch The Big Year as it is the greatest movie of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Though made with care and affection for its characters, The Big Year plods along, rarely reaching any comedic heights.

Pros: The cast was perfect. Couldn't imagine a better subject matter for a niche, subculture movie. Motivated me to take more trips specifically for birding.

Cons: Opened me up to all the birds I am never going to see and bird places I will never be able to go (namely Attu, Alaska).

Gist: The Big Year tells the tale of a trio of birders who are trying beat the world record for identifying the greatest number of species of birds (that one of them had previously set). Playing the archetypal birders are Jack Black (the broke dude), Steve Martin (the CEO), and Owen Wilson (the obsessed record holder). The only one among them that can have a more or less normal life is Steve Martin's character and that's because he is older with many decades of marriage between he and his and he's rich AF. The role players in the flick include Anthony Anderson from Black-ish, Brian Dennehy who starts out as a dick but has a really touching birding moment in the end with Black who plays his son, Anjelica Huston who I adore, the lovely Rashida Jones from Parks and Recreation among other things as Black's love interest, Joel McHale, Tim Blake Nelson who was the little guy from O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Jim Parsons from that shit show The Big Bang Theory, Kevin Pollack from The Usual Suspects, Dianne Wiest from The Birdcage (another great birding movie, JK), and JoBeth Williams from Poltergeist. 

Rashida Jones, a pretty lady

Several solid scenes here that were truly inspiring. Loved when Owen Wilson and Tim Blake Nelson are driving out to see a bird and get into a car wreck. The little guy is like, "I think I broke my arm." Wilson tells him to shut up, basically, and tracks a woodpecker. It ends up being of the great spotted variety which as a Eurasian/African bird basically shouldn't be here. But they do tend to wander. So once they see it, Wilson is like, "how is your arm, now?" and the little guy says to cut it off as that is the rarest bird he has ever seen. Shows you the type birders are if you know what I mean.

Attu. Rustic AF
The other scene that really stuck out was when they go to Attu, Alaska. We are talking about a place with no permanent residents. It is the westernmost body of land east of the International Date Line that is part of the United States. Even farther than Hawaii. It is rustic AF. The plane you have to take to get there is rough and you land on grass. The only reason to go there is birding and you stay in abandoned army barracks. On the plane there we see a couple that is honeymooning there. The wife has no idea what she is getting into. Everyone else does though and thinks it's a pretty dick move. But for birds, this is a fucking dream. It is all birding all the time. That is all these people are there for. It is magical, spending time with like minded obsessives that are into your thing. The female companion and I are now talking about a less extreme version of this. Talking about going to Nome for birding and other wild life. It's that type of inspiring.

The breakout star from this film, i.e. winning the movie, were birds. I am planning birding trips based on locations for this movie. It inspired me in a real world way and I have been riding high on it for weeks, even dreaming vividly of birds at night. If you are into birding this is a definite must see as we are never going to get our own movie again as it was considered a box office bomb. The budge was $41 million and it took in just $7.4 million in ticket sales worldwide which ain't good. I blame this on marketing. Watching the trailer (embedded below), I have no idea it is about birding which is the only subject matter the movie really deals with.  Other than the bit at the beginning about "bird fallout", there is no mention of the central focus of the film. It looks like a bucket list movie or something but it's really this wonderful little flick about these beautiful little creatures that everyone sees every day that some people really care about. Greatest movie of all time.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Incredibles 2 is the greatest movie of all time

Incredibles 2. Before the movie we get the cast talking about how cool the movie is going to be, how long and hard they have been working on it, and how it is going to be worth the 14 year wait since the last one... And it totally is. After watching the original in the theater when I was in college, I made the joke "it was, dare I say, incredible," to my girl friend at the time's amusement. I forewent the joke on my female companion this time around... But I told her about it because it is hilarious. Totally accurate, too, as other than a few nitpicks here and there it was a perfect movie. In fact, greatest of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Incredibles 2 reunites Pixar's family crimefighting team for a long-awaited follow-up that may not quite live up to the original, but comes close enough to earn its name.

Pros: Great story line. The characters are incredible. The side heroes are dope. The 1950s/60s in this universe look amazing. The Screenslaver visuals were cool. Short at the beginning of the movie was great and made me cry.

Cons: The supervillain is a slight step down from Syndrome.

Gist of the movie is super heroing, still illegal. Maybe more so after the family--consisting of papa Bob, momma Helen, kids Violet and Dash, and baby Jack-Jack--wrecked whatever city this takes place in (the movie starts up at the fight with Underminer who showed up at the very end of the original). The owner of a telco with some political pull wants to change that but he needs Helen to sway public opinion. So while she is out fighting crime, Bob is home taking care of the kids. The movie is the 20th Pixar film and stars Holly Hunter as Helen/Elastigirl, Samuel L. Jackson as Lucius Best/Frozone, Catherine Keener as sister of the telco owner Evelyn Deavor, Huck Milner as Dash, Craig T. Nelson as Bob/Mr. Incredible, Bob Odenkirk as the guy bank rolling the super stuff,  and Sarah Vowell as Violet. Also with smaller roles in the film are Jonathan Banks (Mike from Breaking Bad), the film's director Brad Bird as the unforgettable Edna Mode, and Isabella Rossellini.

Wha? A chick on a motocycle?
Some stuff that stuck out... The movie really transports us to this alternative 1950s with all this cool retro tech and without the racism. But sexism was still a thing, apparently, as Mr. Incredible has a hard time dealing with his wife going out and working while he stays home and cares for the kids. Not really breaking any real ground there but it is good to remind dudes through media not to be assholes, especially right now.

The supervillain isn't bad but I won't spoil it since it is a new movie. But this person is not on Syndrome's level. The motivation for this person is pretty solid which makes it sort of predictable, not that I necessarily mind that, and the execution of plan and what not was solid and looked cool but once they got to the big reveal, I don't know, I was sort of meh. And for the love of shit don't go see this movie if you are prone to seizures as the strobe is a little much.

The other supers they introduce and have to battle with are both interesting and pretty funny. The ones that stuck out Brick the really big/dumb one, Krusher who crushes metal with his mind and is also big and dumb, Voyd who creates portals and is an Elastigirl super fan, and Screech who is like an owl/queen. But one, Reflux, has the most disgusting super power of all time as he vomits up lava as a gross defense mechanism.

The breakout star of this film is obvious to anyone who has seen the film. It is most definitely Jack-Jack. I fucking hate babies and generally dislike them on film. This, however, is one hell of a crazy baby with some 15 super abilities on display. The ones I remember are flying, telekinesis, interdimensional travel, growing into a giant baby, multiplying himself, shape shifting, bursting into flames, producing lightning, shooting lasers out of his eyes, passing through objects, turning into jello, and turning into a demon. These powers, which sort of spring forth randomly, really keep everyone on their toes and lead to some of the best scenes in the flick. Two examples here are the fight with the raccoon, this poor creature, and with Aunt Edna with Jack-Jack walking about the same way she does after she designs his little costume to basically make it possible to keep him under control.

Ready to kick ass

Before said movie there is a little short animation. A little amuse-bouche for the flick. If you have seen other Pixar films you know what I'm talking about. The short before Incredibles 2 called Bao was exceptional among these and has been getting a decent amount of attention in its own right. I LOLed and cried during this little film. Directed by Domee Shi, who started out as a Pixar intern, the short focuses on an older Chinese woman who creates a sentient dumpling that she raises from a baby as a surrogate child. At first things are cool but she eventually covets the little guy too much and he turns into a little dick. When the dumpling eventually brings home this chick--a white chick who at first doesn't seem to respect Chinese custom which freaks the mom out--with A RING ON IT the mom grabs the little guy so he can't get away and eventually eats him whole. He is such a little asshole that the shock of it is really funny. At least for me it was. Then her real son comes home; he has the same girl friend, same facial hair, and same shithead attitude. The mom is hurt and sad but the son starts to realize what a dick he's been. The dad sort of shoves him toward his mom to make him show his mother some damned affection. They have a good cry. I have a good cry as well. Then we see all four of them--the mom, the real son, the wifey, and the dad--making fucking dumplings. The son sucks at it but the girl friend isn't so bad, we see, she's making an effort and the mom and her are getting along. And that's it. Great film. Great little short.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Scream is the greatest movie of all time

Scream. Total game changing horror movie. When this came out I lost my mind. I was in eighth grade and I remember everyone sort of placing themselves in the various roles and where they fit in and stuff. I was an obvious Matthew Lillard although I have probably grown into more of a Randy. So yeah, not only did it start a horror renaissance but every high school movie ever rode it's coattails and was made from 1996-2001. Catapulted Courtney Cox into super stardom for a little bit. Established Wes Craven as a genius and gave us two of my favorite scenes of all time. Greatest movie of all time.

One of the great THO scenes of all time
Pros: The opening is one of the greats of all time. Ditto on the rules scene. One of the greatest meta films ever which really popularized the literary device in cinema (especially with horror). Matthew Lillard (Stuart) really goes for it. Most of the performances are just over-the-top enough to make the film awesome instead of annoying. Lots of pretty ladies. Rose McGowan has never been cuter, a very cute girl, than at that moment.

Cons: Some of the plot is a little ludicrous. Like, I don't think the whole Billy Loomis/Stuart game plan at the end to get away with murder, spoiler, is going to hold up once the crime lab shows up and sees they are covered in corn syrup. I'm pretty sure Dewey is making fun of people with brain damage.

Gist of the movie: A masked killer, Ghostface, terrorizes the town of Woodsboro, California, with a serious of pretty fucking heinous murders that reference horror films. High school senior Sidney Prescott, played by Neve Campbell, and her friends become the focus of the killer(s)'s "game". Directed by Wes Craven, the film stars David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, Jamie Kennedy, Cox, McGowan, and Skeet Ulrich who was briefly the next Johnny Depp. Linda Blair (from The Exorcist), Liev Schreiber, and Henry Winkler are also sort of in the movie in mostly cameos. Can't stress how groundbreaking this felt at the time. A darkly comedic satire of shitty horror tropes that had dominated the genre for half a dozen years prior. It was the only horror film that was aware of other horror films. It was fresh AF and I fucking lost my shit over it.

Shit that sticks out... Gotta start with that opening scene. So much to love here. First, Drew Barrymore, probably the biggest star in the movie at the time, gets offed in a super violent and grotesque way. Psycho did this before when they killed off Janet Leigh but there weren't a lot of other people in that film. When you buy your ticket for this, you know you have this ensemble cast so the message is that anyone can die in this flick. And it's a super long and brutal scene. The killer toys with her and the audience, calling and asking her questions about horror films that her life depends on. Like the whole who was the killer in Friday the 13th question. Barrymore screams "Jason" which is incorrect. It was his mother that did the killing in the first one. I feel that most people, unless they were obsessives like Randy, Stuart (Lillard), or Billy, would probably get that wrong. Then, once she is finally done for and her parents get home, her mom picks up the phone to call the police and they can hear their daughter's gurgling sounds and kindly says something like "sweetie, baby?" The way I interpret this is that she knows her daughter is not long for the world and she just wanted to provide her with some kindness in her last moments. Fucked. But then the husband sends the wife off to the neighbors to call the police and there is their girl, hanging from a tree. This was thankfully not as brutal as it was supposed to be. Barrymore originally was gutted and her entrails were all spilling out and stuff but it earned the movie an NC-17 from the ratings board and they took it out.


One nitpicky thing, the computer/technology stuff does not hold up so well. Computers, according to movies in 1996, were magic. Like how Sid calls 9-1-1 via text (this after she rips dumb horror chicks for running up the stairs instead of out the front door and then does just that) which maybe you could do but who would. Also when Dewey, the least likely person ever in the history of film to be remotely computer literate, sees that Sid's dad never registered at the hotel he was supposed to stay at with a quick Google search.

Another nitpick, no way in hell Billy/Stuart could have possibly thought they were getting away with this. They are blaming Sid's dad--why the hell is he doing this?--who they have bound in Stuart's basement for multiple days. Ligature marks, anyone? Plus they are covered in physical evidence and one of them has fake blood all over himself. But sure, you'll get away with it. Not like you weren't already shady as shit and on the cops' radar since the first murder.

"It was du-umb"
Something of note is what a surprisingly sensitive lover Skeet is despite his hatred of Sid because of her mother cheating with his dad (talk about misplaced anger) and being a vicious murderer and all. This is quite the long con. Also, their motives are suspect as hell. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, this, I feel, is why Sid didn't really ask too many questions the Matthew Lillard and Jamie Kennedy run up on her saying that the other one is the killer. She locks them out, must have been a pretty awkward conversation for those two, and Billy shows up after seemingly just being killed. Covered in corn syrup, Sid gives him the gun even though he was obviously the killer. Well, they had just gone to bone town and Billy was like shockingly sweet. He would try to kill her in like less than an hour but not before sharing an extremely tender moment.

The breakout star of this film, the guy who won the movie basically, something I'm awarding to movies from here on out, was Randy. Three of the best scenes in the movie were the result of this dude. The one that is most amaze balls is the one where Jamie Kennedy goes over the rules for surviving a horror. Namely don't drink or do drugs, don't have sex, and don't say you'll "be right back. Just another great meta moment which popularized horror movies being aware of other horror movies (though Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy CampersWaxworks, and several other movies did it before). The scene in the video store where Randy screams "everyone is a suspect!" is up there as well for all of the same reasons. It is basically the same scene in a different location. One of my favorite scenes this time around featuring this dude that I never really gave much time before was when Courtney Cox attacks him with her giant 1980s cell phone. This is just after she finds blood everywhere in her van and is super on edge when Randy just wanders up and is like, "hey, Gale, where is" and smack. She then takes off in the van when her dead camera guy falls off the top. Sid tries to stop her and it just freaks her out more and she veers off the road and crashes into a tree. Meanwhile Randy, who doesn't know anything is going on still, has just been attacked by a news celebrity for what seems like no reason. This would be like Nancy Grace beating with a Blackberry or something.

Randy's wet dream

So, yeah, greatest movie of all time. Having finally worked my way through all the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies (though I'm still working on my piece for Freddy vs. Jason) I am probably going to revisit all the Scream flicks which I was obsessed with as an early internet user. I remember getting online via dialup and reading about leaked info for the sequel which is basically wacky stuff happening Sid at the sorority movie. So look forward to that.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Halloween is the greatest movie of all time

Halloween. With that trailer just coming out and looking awesome, figured I'd rewatch for the 10+ time in June. Greatest movie of all time. Totally genre transforming horror flick. Super fond of the flick as a kiddo. Remember watching this with my grandma with Sammy Terry hosting and cutting in during the commercials. I was five, max. That was the local ghoul on the Indianapolis local station. He was dope. The original guy, Bob Crane, died a few years back. His son does it now. He is great too. Mostly appearances but does make it on the electric TV machine sometimes. Starlite Drive-in here in Bloomington hosted him the last two years. It was a great fucking time. My childhood horror host and my favorite place in town to catch a flick. Matter of fact, we watched this movie at the show two years ago. Fucking dope.

This guy
Anywho, this is the only one that matters for the upcoming movie. Sort of see why as this is the only one that is god tier. It's credited as sort of starting the slasher genre even though Texas Chainsaw predates it. This did, I guess, layout most of the rules that came to define the genre. Stuff like if you bone or do drugs you die. Stay "pure" then you get brutalized but live. Yay, feminism. But this movie isn't like that. I think the other girls were drinking and making questionable decisions which kept their guards down and thus they died. Jamie Lee Curtis was baby sitting so didn't do any drinking or boning. Thus she was alert and also lucked out and got away. But like in real life, if you survive that shit then it is brutal and you are probably fucked.

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Scary, suspenseful, and viscerally thrilling, Halloween set the standard for modern horror films.

Pros: Beautiful ladies. The women who play Annie and Lynda are seriously attractive. As was Jamie Lee Curtis. Totally a game-changing horror movie at the time. Donald Pleasence as Dr. Loomis is his career defining role. The version where he speaks to the psyche board (I think this is the extended TV version) is even more solid. Stays relevant after 40 years. Brutal when she is banging on the neighbors' front doors and no one tries to help her (which was based on something that really happened and was the first scene Carpenter thought of).

Cons: Fucking animal violence. Characters are a bit on the one-dimensional side. Sort of drags on more than I remembered.

Killin' since 1963
Most people probably know the gist of the movie by now. Opens with a little kid stabbing his sister to death POV style in 1963. Cut to 15 years later and he is a maniac who escapes a mental hospital the day his doctor is coming to transfer him to a more secure location. From there he heads back to his home town of Haddonfield, Illinois where he shows up on Halloween night to kill "teenage" kids. Directed and scored wonderfully by master of horror John Carpenter, the movie stars Jamie Lee Curtis (in her first feature film) as Laurie Strode, Donald Pleasence as Loomis, and Nick Castle as Michael Myers/The Shape. Playing Laurie's hotty friends are P. J. Soles as Lynda Van Der Klok and Nancy Kyes as Annie Brackett.

On the hotties, Annie (the dark curly haired one) was like my childhood crush. She aged pretty well too. Now she likes more like a professor that used to have it going on but still is attractive in that way. She was like 30 in this movie by the by. Looks amazing in a man's shirt and knee-high socks. She dies brutally. The other girl, P.J. Soles, has a sort of cult status among horror fans. For example, hard rock band from the 1990s/early 2000s Local H had an album they titled "Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles?" after her. She is pretty funny too. Like there is a scene when JLC sees Michael watching them and the ominous music comes on. Someone, I think JLC, says that she forgot her math book or something. P.J. then drones on in the background about how she forgot her math book and Spanish book and science book and all the other books she forgot. "Who needs books, anyway," she says. We get a little bit of gratuitous nudity from this dumb, pretty girl (this was one of the scenes they show in Scream if I am not mistaken). She dies horribly as well. So basically all of Laurie's buddies are dead which sucks for her. Big time for the buddies.

Something sort of weird I found in my half-assed research of the film was that the little girl who played Lindsey, one Kyle Richards, ended up growing up to be a reality TV star on one of the incarnations of The Real Housewives this one of the Beverly Hills persuasion. I just saw her on The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale in a clip where one of the housewives was being ridiculous so it looks like things are going well for her. At least she has obscene wealth going

Hipster Halloween
Nitpicky shit... A little thing that comes up every once in a while and that they say in the trailer for the new movie. It is this misconception that Michael killed three people on Halloween in 1978. Well, dude actually killed four when you count the guy in the bush (that maybe they never found but that seems unlikely since they found the car). I am not sure where this came from. In the sequel that came out in 1981 they mention the total killed and it seems to have not listed this either. I guess they just forget about this guy because he flashes on screen so briefly and it doesn't show the killing.

Another thing is when the sheriff yells at Loomis, "damn you for letting him go!" This rage is totally misplaced. Loomis did everything he could to keep him locked up in a supermax. And it's not like Michael like got out on parole or something. Dude fucking escaped because the powers that be didn't listen to Loomis. And now here he is trying to stop the guy. Fuck that dude for talking shit.

Do not fucking like it when animals die in movies. In this one we get word that Micheal killed and ate something when hiding out in his childhood home. Later, at the house Annie is babysitting at, Micheal then kills a German Shepard that is barking at him and shit. It is obvious in the flich that the dog is still alive but still. Then no one mentions the dog the rest of the movie. Shitty dog owners. Whatever.

The only other on screen death is P.J.'s dorky boyfriend. Michael Myers, with his superhuman strength, picks him up by the neck and holds him up with one hand before choking him out/stabbing him in the gut. I think this the first time that that happens in a movie. The guy was wearing a sheet and glasses, both of which Michael puts on over his coveralls and mask to like trick P.J. or whatever. After he murders her he then displays her in the bed with his sister's stolen tombstone which doesn't make a ton of sense. This begs the question what exactly his motivation for all this is. I'm sort of guessing it's sexual but who knows really.

Lastly, Michael was always sort of a supernatural being. He has super strength. He gets stabbed in the neck with a needle, is jabbed at with a hanger, and he takes multiple gunshots from Loomis at the end. Curious if they are going to downplay that stuff in the new one. Will have to wait and see I guess.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Nothing But Trouble is the greatest movie of all time

Nothing But Trouble. This movie. For a lot of people I would imagine this is that movie, if you know what I mean. Remember watching it as a 10 year old child and thinking this was a totally fucking bonkers, next level horror(ish) film. And nearly three decades later, exact same shit. I'm gonna call it the greatest movie of all time, begrudgingly, but this movie is fucking bananas.

Demi Moore, attractive lady
Looking over my notes I write like seven times, "what is this movie?" Is this a comedy? I mean, I never laughed. Horror? I did nearly legitimately wretch while watching Dan Aykroyd in disgusting old man makeup with a detachable dick nose eat a hotdog and I did sort of get freaked out when these two giant twin baby men give off a rape vibe with Demi Moore but it is way too off the wall to be a traditional horror movie. Also, I think this is maybe meant for kids. I don't know though because it could also be satire. I mean it touches on a certain anxiety that you see in a lot of movies in the '70s and '80s where rich city folk leave the city for the first time maybe ever and go to the country where inbred yokels try to kill because they are wealthy elites. I met a lot of this type of person in college who were terrified of the locals who lived and worked in a college town in rural Ohio. Those people are, well, you know. Some examples where this happens include Children of the Corn, Deliverance, Friday the 13th, The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The River Wild, so forth. In each of these movies, affluent urbanites wander out of their borough into the country where they are tormented by crazed bumpkin predators. But maybe that is supposed to be genuine. I have no idea. All I know is that it is way fucking out there. 

Pros: Completely unique. You certainly aren't going to see anything like this ever again. Demi Moore is an attractive lady (I'd say more so now but whatever). Really throws you a curve ball there early in the movie. John Candy is pretty solid (although misused). 

Cons: The plot is nutso. Chevy Chase is not a good actor. Neither are Aykroyd, Demi Moore, the Brazilian brother/sister duo, Humpty Hump, or Daniel Baldwin. 

Where to start with this one that I can't even really define. The AV Club called this movie "the antithesis of a 'hang out movie'," saying that "Aykroyd here has lovingly, meticulously created a hideous, grotesque nightmare world nobody in their right mind would want to visit the first time around, let alone return to." Well, I did return and I have seen some shit. It is best to go in with Chuck Klosterman's mantra, "crazy things seem normal; normal things seem crazy." Here goes. 

Tupac and fur wearing asshole Shock G
Staring medium talent Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, Dan Aykroyd, and John Candy. Aykroyd also wrote and directed the film so we have him to thank for every aspect of this gem. The movie also features Daniel Baldwin, Brian Doyle-Murray (brother of Bill Murray, archenemy of Chevy Chase), The Digital Underground who perform multiple full songs (look for Tupac in the background), Taylor Negron and Bertila Damas as a brother/sister pair (I suspect because no one is buying these two as lovers [they are so weird]), and Valri Bromfield. Most of those people are actors of the sort where you are like, "oh yeah, I've seen that person before but have no idea what he/she were in." 

Chevy Chase (whom you immediately hate) plays a financial publisher, he tells people (including hillbillies he runs into) shit like "buy gold; sell pork", trying to woo Demi Moore, a lawyer who has to go to confront a lover/client that is trying to rip her off or something. What Moore has to do here is sort of unclear as is her relationship with the guy she is going to confront but it doesn't matter because we never see him. They, along with another couple, decide to drive to Atlantic City to, I don't know, like shake the guy down or something. Again, doesn't matter. The movie starts out pretty normal, strangely, considering where it ends. That is where the movie seems to be going until the Brazilian couple starts bitching about how boring and shitty the New Jersey turnpike is and they get off to do some scenic driving in rural New J. When Chevy rolls through a stop sign, Candy tries to pull him over but the Brazilian couple convinces Chevy to run which is pointless and insane and in the end doesn't matter. Candy takes them to "court" where Aykroyd plays the disgusting judge with a PhD in engineering (his house is mechanical AF) in the town of Valkevania where he sentences people who commit traffic violations to death. And insanity ensues from there. 

Lot of that

Some things of note... Chevy Chase says so much weird shit throughout the movie. I feel Aykroyd just let him vamp and left it all in for whatever reason. Stuff like his character Pierce in Community would say that was just strange and not very funny. In that show it was ironic but here it is supposed to be real jokes, I guess. Like when they drive by a series of buried statues at the judge's mansion, Chevy says "So that's where they buried Flipper," which, yeah. Fausto, who is an idiot, asks "Flipper is dead?" Whatever. 

So Aykroyd is so fucking gross in this movie it is insane. I fucking gagged when he ate a hotdog. You can look that shit up if you are interested. I sure as shit am not reliving that experience. Did like when they arrested that Baldwin bro and his entourage. They get arrested for driving under the influence and then pulling a gun on Candy. When that foursome shows up to court and see the judge they just laugh hysterically, which is the appropriate response I think. But they get sentenced to death which come by way of a roller coast called the Bone Extractor or something. It sends them through this like funhouse and when they come out the other side it is just bones that fly out hitting a bullseye that makes jackpot noises. Crazy things seem normal; normal things seem crazy.

Both Aykroyd and Candy play other roles in the film. Candy, for his part, besides the cop, also plays his twin sister who marries Chevy Chase at one point. The way I remembered it was that the sister was his like alter-ego and it was really the cop the whole time. That is not the case. This is two separate characters and at one point we see them horribly CGIed into the same scene. Aykroyd's other character is another disgusting deformity as one of these twins that these fat baby men in diapers. Unclear what these guys are. Mutants I'm guessing. They are horrifically disgusting and when Candy's female role tries to kill Demi, the twins step in and stop it, saying they "want to play with her." Yeesh. Give off this real rapey vibe but that doesn't happen, thank fuck, as these guys are more childlike than the Hills Have Eyes sort. Candy's female character, however, does legitimately get rapey with Chevy Chase which I'm not going to dwell on. This might be a bold statement but I am very much against rape. Where do I find the courage? 

Hella detail in that map
Assuming most people won't be able to make it to the end of this movie--though I consider it the greatest film and all, I'm not sure that this is the film for everyone--I'm going to spoil that shit. So they eventually escape and go to the cops. The cops have them draw out a super detailed map of the property and they seem as if they are taking this very seriously. Then they go there with like a small army that includes about five different kinds of law enforcement. Demi and Chevy go along and the FBI is like, "how about you go knock on the door," which is weird but they do. When that happens you think he is going to be like, "oh, I'm just an old man." Well, you'd be right. But Demi and Chevy are like, "we got you, fucker," but he tells them they have a big ole bees nest behind them, or something like that. So they turn around and in unison, the 700 person army screams "hi judge!" getting their shit together for that as Demi and Chevy were walking to the door, I guess. But by some miracle they get out of the situation, the mine built under the town like erupts and the ground swallows more or less everything.

Now Demi and Chevy escape. Again. And Chevy is back in his NYC apartment having nightmares about this shit which is totally understandable (as a matter of fact, I have nightmares about this movie as well) when what pops on the electric TV machine but the judge giving an interview to the local press corps saying that now that the mansion imploded they are going to move in with their "banker" son-in-law. Chevy Chase is like, "NOPE! Fuck you!!!" and explodes out of his apartment on god knows what floor Looney Toons style with a Chevy Chase sized hole in the wall. And that is Nothing But Trouble. What the hell, right? Again, crazy things seem normal; normal things seem crazy.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Halloween trailer dropped and that shit looks dope

This shit dropped yesterday. Halloween sequel that ignores all the other sequels. Shit looks fucking HOT. Staring Jamie Lee Curtis and Nick Castle, the original Michael Myers, both from the 1978 film.  John Carpenter is producing and on board and Danny McBride (?!?) is writing. But yeah, did you watch that shit? Dropping teeth over a bathroom stall. Damn, that is some terrifying shit. Sure as hell know where I'll be on October 19, 2018.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Prom Night is the greatest movie of all time

Prom Night. Canadian. Sweet. Lots of Jamie Lee Curtis high kicking. This and Halloween cemented JLC's status as a "Scream Queen". Lots of Leslie Nielson in a noncomedic though not entirely serious role. Lots of disco. Lots of stalking/death. Just like my junior and senior year proms. Shout out to Lindsay, my date to both of those dances. This movie combines Saturday Night Fever and The Town that Dread Sundown and sort of Carrie to form one hell of a strange flick. The movie has a sequel which I'll need to check out at some point called Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, which just sounds incredible, but the magic starts to happen around parts three and four, generally. Lucky for me there are Prom Night III: The Last Kiss from 1990 and Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil from 1992. These were what you would call sequels in name only and do not star JLC or the Naked Gun-man. If that isn't enough Prom Night for you, there was a loose remake that came out in 2008 with Idris Elba and Brittany Snow. Can totes see why they would want to remake Prom Night as it is the great movie of all time.

Pros: Canadian so over the top. Sweet disco dancing. Some decent suspense. Pretty ladies.

Cons: Was pretty confusing and slow at times. Pretty predictable.

Moms, fucking don't
Gist of Prom Night is that four little kids tool on a girl in an abandoned building to the point that she falls out of a window and dies. Yeesh. This is a sibling of JLC and her bro who are wearing the same outfit when they go out looking for the dead kid. Fast forward several years and a killer, possibly the escaped sex offender blamed for the crime, possibly Leslie Nielsen, or possibly JLC or her bro, starts picking off the kids that were there on the same day as their senior prom. In addition to JLC and Nielsen the movie features Antoinette Bower, Anne-Marie Martin, David Mucci who plays Lou and has the most ridiculous unibrow I've ever seen, Pita Oliver (a pretty lady), Mary Beth Rubens (another pretty lady), Casey Stevens, Michael Tough, and Jeff Wincott. I'm gonna assume that none of these names mean anything as I've never seen nor heard of any of them.

About the two people I recognize in this flick... I was super confused at the beginning of this flick when Nielsen showed up. Is this a comedy? Indeed it is not. Nonetheless, it is super weird seeing him play a straight-laced by the book cop. The other thing is that JLC was super pretty. I forgot what a beautiful young lady she was. Now it's all eating yogurt and staying regular. 

Some Luke and Leia action
Some weird shit that you should watch out for include the extreme sexual tension between JLC and her onscreen brother. They have a super sexually charged dance off in this extended disco prom dancing scene that is just out of control and goes on for like 10 minutes. What it reminded me of was when Ross and Monica dance their asses off in the Friends episode "The One With The Routine" in hopes of getting on the Dick Clark New Year's special. Just like that except without the irony. Lot of high kicking and grinding on each other. Fucking gross. 

More weird shit includes the whole scene revolving around the couple in the van. It is unclear if they had anything to do with the death at the beginning but they get got either way. This all starts post-coital, of course, where the guy and the gal (who is way out of this fat idiot's league) smoke a doob that they pull out of this book that has been hollowed out and filled with pre-rolled jays. There must be like 50 of them in there. So these two are high as balls when the killer pops in and totally kills their buzz, man, by all murdering the girl. Bummer. So the guy hops up front to try to drive way. What ensues is an insane driving and fighting scene where the dude is driving with the killer in the van like he is going to get away from him or something. But by some miracle the fatty beats off the killer, not in the hand job way, you sick fuck, and is home free. Instead of driving like a normal person though he drives right off a cliff like a dumb fuck and the second it goes airborne explodes. I'm no physicist but usually vans have to crash before there is burn. That is why they call it crash and burn, I'm guessing. Just part of the charm in this one. Defying the laws physics. 

Unibrow still intact thought his head is indeed severed
Another thing, there are some real charmers in this movie. First there is Lou, the unibrow guy. You have to watch this shit to appreciate how fucking awful this dude is. He goes to pick up his date for prom, the girl played by actress Anne-Marie Martin who is way the fuck out of his league, and just honks the horn repeatedly. When she goes out to the car, irritated, he and a buddy are getting wasted. He is not dressed up, wearing jeans and a cutoff (we later see this same ensemble with a tux coat thrown over it), and just acts like an asshole and runs over the chick's parent's garbage cans as he peels out. It's nice when he finally gets his head chopped off and kicked. Then there is the guy dating Kelly, the Mary Beth Ruebens character. The scene where she gets it is preceded by a heavy petting sess between the two. This in the girl's (I think) locker room. He lets her know that he is DTF but she, you know, doesn't want to lose her virginity in a public bathroom. He pressures her some more but she ain't ready. "If you won't do it, there are plenty of other girls who will," he says. And then he leaves, immediately talks some shit, and then starts making out with some other random chick who was digging his shit talking, rapist vibe. Meanwhile, that chick in the locker room is like, "I guess we broke up?" before getting dead.

He even dances like an asshole
If you aren't into the ridiculous stuff I just went into and are more of the horror movie purest, fear not, the ending of this flick totally redeems this movie. With one mean girl left at prom, the killer stalks her throughout the entire fucking high school. Suspense really builds as she keeps almost getting caught before just getting away. It builds and builds until she gets to the end of building with all the doors chained shut. This goes on for a long ass time and is fucking brutal. See? Something for everyone. Pretty ladies, gore, creative killing, suspense. Everything. Greatest movie of all time.