Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Tour de Pharmacy is the greatest movie of all time

Tour de Pharmacy is Andy Samberg's second hilarious 30 for 30 style HBO mocumentary, the first being 7 Days in Hell, that knocks it out of the fucking park with raunchy humor, faded sports stars, and big name comedians. While 7 Days in Hell lampoons the 1980s and 90s tennis rivalries of John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg as well as Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras, Tour de Pharmacy takes on doping in cycling that has tarnished the careers of pretty all within the sport's ranks in the same way that Fred Armisen and Bill Hader's Documentary Now! pokes fun at Grey Gardens with the episode "Sandy Passage". 

The film gives a fictitious account of the 1982 Tour de France where all but five cyclist are disqualified after Orlando Bloom's character, JuJu Peppie, causes a massive pileup following he attempts to grab the boob of a female spectator. This causes a free-for-all melee which climaxes with John Cena's character, Gustav Ditters, also one the "Fab Five", more on that in a minute, ripping off a dude's unitard and picking him up around his shoulders, screaming like a wild man. This ultimate leads to an investigation where it is determined that Union Cycliste Internationale president Ditmer Klerken, played by Kevin Bacon, took $50,000 bribes from cyclists in order to skip their drug screenings. The only athletes to not partake in the bribes--Adrian Baton (Freddie Highmore), Ditters, Marty Hass (Samberg), Peppie, and Slim Robinson (Daveed Diggs).

All the members of the Fab Five all have their thing. Baton is a woman pretending to be a man. Ditters has suddenly gotten huge. Hass is a white American who went to college in Nigeria and now claims the whole continent of Africa, Peppie dies on his bike because of the many drugs he has taken (and leads the pack despite being dead), and Robinson (nephew of Jackie Robinson) is determined to break the color barrier in some sport but by that point has very few to choose from. All are also suspected of taking PEDs.

Pros:Turns a pretty serious subject into a pretty funny farce. Fantastic cast. Light and colorful, everything I ask for from an 80s period piece. It's super short (so just the right length).

Cons: Lance Armstrong. No. We aren't there yet, dude. Pretty silly in a way that could be irritating. Parts drag a bit.

Notes:  The easiest chuckles the film gets are from the present day versions of the remaining Fab Five which are all just funny visual gags. Basically, these are people that could play their dads (or mom) on a normal program. In the contemporary interviews you get Danny Glover wearing a fake afro playing the Robinson character (who SPOILER ultimately won the race), Jeff Goldblum playing Samberg, Dolph Lundgren playing the older Cena, and Julia Ormond playing the female one.

The cameos are nice little surprises. In addition to the ones already mentioned we see J.J. Abrams, Phylicia Rashad from The Cosby Show (she knows something about people tarnishing their images and what have you), Mike Tyson who explains his first love was cycling, and Chris Webber (the former Michigan Wolverine that was part of a different "Fab Five"). And also there was Lance Armstrong.

Ok. We have to talk about Lance. He is in this. He plays a huge role in it. He is very funny. His presence sort of ruins the movie. Hear me out. It's not that dude denied taking drugs, it's that he came at everyone who accused him so hard and forced his teammates to also take drugs and continually lie about it, or get his wrath. Not ready to see this guy joking around about being such a huge dick and not being sorry about it.

Overall, though, the movie is solid but I was glad it ended when it did. As long as Samberg keeps putting these things out, I'll keep on watching them.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Dr. Carver of Auteur Autopsy presents one of the greatest, Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs

Dr. Carver of Auteur Autopsy presents one of the greatest, Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs. 

This is my new thing with the movie stuff. Video! I'm on the YouTube as Dr. Carver. Learned some lessons on this one. Sound quality is horrible (getting a mic) and it's all a bit rough. But it's a first. Check it out.

This is the first video for the site. The audio isn't very good but now I know that I need an external mic. 

Also, forgot to credit the music in the intro. It's Feast Of The Zombie by Behold the Living Corpse.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Central Intelligence is (sort of) the greatest movie of all time

Well, it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen and enjoyed it for the most part. Therefore, Central Intelligence gets a pass as the greatest movie of all time.  It is your typical, run-of-the-mill but solid action-comedy.

The movie features two "friends" from high school played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (a CIA agent named Bob) and Kevin Hart (Jet) who team up to save the world from terrorists who are trying to get their hands on satellite codes that do whatever and the man who stole those codes. Bob, who was overweight in school and bullied by a young Jason Bateman, hooks back up with the cool kid, Jet, who is now way past his prime who lives a "boring" life as an accountant working for Bateman's company, under the cover of going to their 20-year high school reunion. Once the pudgy "loser", Bob is now "The Rock". He needs now needs Jet's number-crunching skills to figure out who the buyer is and where he will be in order to save everyone from whatever those codes are supposed to do, some dubious doomsday scenario or something. Jet is now in it as he is humorously pulled into shoot-outs, jail-breaks, Mexican standoffs, so forth, while Bob does most the ass-kicking.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson make for well-matched comic foils, helping Central Intelligence overcome a script that coasts on their considerable chemistry.

Pros: Johnson and Hart are killer. The megastars are both very funny and solid. Basically 90-minutes of endearing and light escapist humor which is always nice.

Cons: The action is meh. The plot isn't something you can really make a lot of sense of if you start poking holes at it. A lot of these characters don't behave like real people.

Notes: Here's some stuff. Jesus Jason Bateman's character is an asshole. When The Rock is the not so popular chunk in 1996, Bateman and his crew of pricks see him dancing in the locker-room shower during an all school assembly (why wasn't The Rock there?) to honor the Jet and his many accomplishments. They grab him, still in the nude, and throw him out onto the basketball court. Jet gives him his letter jacket to cover his shame and off he goes. This moment of kindness basically make Bob a huge hard-on for Jet for the next 20 years, telling everyone, including his partner in the CIA, played by Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad, about the coolest dude in his high school. Side note, bullying was pretty nonexistent at my high school and considered social unacceptable (the few kids who tried it were ostracized and eventually asked to leave), but if this had happened there, then depending on who it happened to, people would have gone to jail.

Anyway, we later see that Bateman is all apologetic when Bob and Jet go to him to help with their little CIA thing. He even asks Bob to forgive him. But then, JK, he was just fucking with them. He doesn't give a shit and it was Bob's fault he got tooled on because he's a fucking loser. So forth. The guy is just toxic. He even reveals he is a Scientologist and that he is "clear" in one of the funniest little tidbits in the movie. Bob is still afraid of him, because he is an aggressive ass-hat, I guess. But he eventually gets his though nothing has really changed from that moment to the one at the end where Bob knocks him out.

That knocking out Bateman moment leads to a bizarre finale where Bob gets naked at his high school reunion to like overcome the past humiliation. This time, since it is The Rock, everyone loses their minds. Guys, girls, everyone, is like really into and totally comfortable with this guy being naked. That being the case, he naked dances for the last 10 minutes of the movie. It's the weirdest fucking thing. I don't care how attractive the dude is, this is still a sex crime.

The CIA stuff is a little out there but that doesn't really matter as it is basically generic action that is just a vehicle for the actors to buddy up and work toward a common humorous goal. Certain moments in this regard are less than stellar. Like when Jet freaks out about making bird noises like as a way of signalling each other, I don't even know. He just has a little freakout, which one of several and sort of becomes his "thing" and is pretty irritating. But roll with it and you'll have a good time.