Thursday, March 30, 2017

The Karma Killings is the greatest movie of all time

More or less the Indian Making a Murderer, The Karma Killings documents the Nithari serial killings and their repercussions on the very poor community and the wealthy businessman that was seemingly wrongfully accused of being involved in. The documentary really stirs up the whole caste warfare aspect of the whole thing and the media's overreaction and the way they portrayed a probably innocent man.

The movie breaks things down into chapters to make it manageable. The murders, the investigation, the suspects, the trial, the sentencing, the aftermath, so forth. In the background portion we see the families of the 17 or so murdered children from the neighborhood of Noida in New Delhi. The killer strangled these little kids, had sex with them, and then ate them in some cases. Shit is completely fucked up and horrible

It all comes crashing down when a prostitute goes missing after visiting a client in the rich part of the neighborhood. The suspects who reside in the upperclass home are businessman Moninder Singh Pandher and his servant, the child murdering piece of shit, Surender Koli. They have some weird shit going on, Koli basically lies to Pandher's wife about the prostitutes he has over, but the movies portrays Pandher as a patsy in the situation. 

This seems to be the case as Pandher was out of town when all of the murders except for one were committed (and it should be noted that Koli had his own quarters and separate entrance into the main house). The police do have a confession for Pandher which was later proved to be complete fucking bullshit as New Delhi's finest had him sign two blank pieces of paper that they went ahead and filled out for him. 

Most of the movie covers the sensationalized news coverage of the event, lower class claims that justice wasn’t being carried out against the wealthy businessman, and Karin’s (Pandher’s son) eight year battle to clear his father’s name.

All in all, the program is a pretty fucking solid look into a devastating story that took a decade to play out. Totes worth checking out if you have Netflix.

Monday, March 27, 2017

The Watcher is the worst movie of all time

The Watcher features James Spader as an unemployed FBI agent who is taunted by a serial killer played by Keanu Reeves (love the guy but he was terrible). Also in the movie are Marisa Tomei, a very pretty lady, and Ernie Hudson both of whom are underutilized. Spader and Keanu share that ye olde they define-each-other-to-give-meaning-to-their-lives situation. Spader claims not to see it that way though.

I remember when this came out when I was in high school. I wanted to see it then for some reason. I finally got around to it after 17 years. Twas not worth the wait.

Pros: Unintentionally funny at times. Spader is alright.

Cons: Unoriginal. Plot was shite. One dimensional characters. Sort of boring. Too much Keanu vamping.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Longest fucking intro of all time. Like three minutes of credits and then five minutes of helecopters flying around and Keanu dancing (horribly) to Rob Zombie. Also way too much of this shitty looking blurry, strobe effect.

Spader's got some weird shit going on. Has some sort of freakout and needs morphine. This goes fucking no where. Early here we see him like totally lose his shit because his head pain. He flips out so fucking bad. At this point you think, "huh, so this is something he deals with that will factor into the plot in some way." That reasoned line of thought would be incorrect. He has a a much less painful migraine at the end of the movie which Keanu tools on him about that is completely unrelated to anything going on in the plot.

Is he a cop? Acts like it but the cops see him and don't treat him as such. FBI or something. Ah, he is retired (?) due to his dark past or something. He is getting mailed pictures of this girl that was murdered in his building. Calls the cop that was breaking his balls. This fucking guy. Answers the phone while on a high speed chase. When the guy in the car runs the cop puts JS on hold, chases the guy down, tackles him, then picks up the phone again and talks to JS while kicking this idiot on the ground. Scene is ridiculous.

A lot of product placement for Kodak. Watch a lot of this serial killer's unedited footage. So much product placement. Seattle's Best. Dodge.

Spader is such an idiot. Tells Tomei, his therapist, that he can't remember to go to the grocery store and when he does, then he forgets to bring them home. What the fuck? Later, he has to find this girl that Keanu sent him a photo of who he is going to kill that night. Tracks her down to this mall. Has this huge group of cops he is briefing about the search. Meanwhile she is standing right behind him in a glass elevator. For someone who is supposed to have a superpower esque sense of observation, he really fucked up on this one. She then goes home to her cat and is murdered. It was fucking stupid. Also, his place is such a shithole. You rarely see places this disorganized and messy in movies or on TV. Actually looks lived in mess. And then we see he has a twin bed. Like college dorm room style.

This movie feels so fucking long. Keanu stalks and kills (or attempts to kill) four women over the course of the movie. Each time they show up just after the kill and he outruns/evades helicopters, police cars, Spader, a like 300 beat cops. One such occasion ends after Keanu had basically already gotten away only to crash his car for no reason into an abandoned gas station. Gas sprays everywhere and when the cops show up, he set it on fire, burning the idiot cops who show up in their cruisers. In the movie's defense, it was quite the rampage. Overall though... The movie was not great. It dragged on and stakes always felt low. Plus it ended with really shitty circa 2000 CGI.  

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Man with the Screaming Brain is the greatest movie of all time

This is the type of movie Joe Bob Briggs would have played on Monstervision and given four out of five star. When he gave a movie that many stars, you knew it was going to be shit since he gave the really bad ones higher ratings to keep people watching. I seriously love Bruce Campbell... but at times this was nearly unwatchable. It is fun though.

Pros: It stars Bruce Campbell. The entire salad bar scene is hysterical.

Cons: Ludicrous plot. All over the goddamn place. Sloppy as fuck. Unnecessary creepy and stupid looking robot.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Bruce Campbell flick. Written, starring, and directed by. Looks so cheap. Like a soap opera. Other people in the movie include the less famous Raimi brother employing a horrific Russian accent and Stacey Keach. Raimi's character is such a fucking idiot. Spends the whole movie breakdancing about and getting punched for being an fucking dipshit. No one else you've ever seen. Takes place in Bulgaria. Must be cheap to film there.

BC and his wife catch a cab from some Russian con-artist named Igor. He is taking them to god knows where in the longest cab ride ever, occasionally stopping to kick some ass. The action scenes are so bad. BC is business man. His cabby calls him Donald Trump. Sick burn. This movie was ahead of its time. Wife is totally into this dude. Openly flirting with him and BC sends her off with him. They get it on immediately.

Gypsy maid and the Russian have history. She makes out with BC. Steals his cash and a ring that the Russian sold him. It was the ring he gave this gypsy. She sees it and flips. Hits BC in the head so that a piece of his brain is hanging out. Then she kills the Russian. They are both fucked. The ladies then have a catfight which is mostly slapping, purse flinging, and mannequin down the stairs tossing.

So we've got three deadish here. All brain damaged. Keach and Raimi, it was revealed earlier, are working on this anti-organ rejection drug and procedure. Use the good parts from the two dude brains which more or less compete with each other. The rest of the movie is Bruce at his zaniest wandering and thrashing about, trying to get revenge while the two brains in his head fight for dominance. It's a whole movie BC literally punching himself in the face and kicking his own ass. The girl, meanwhile, is placed in a breakdancing robot's body.

It's an insane, shit movie. But again, I didn't hate it. It is what it is and doesn't aspire to be anything more. It's all nonsense but sort of in a good way. I won't ever watch it again but I enjoyed myself and LOLed on more than one occasion.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Final Girls is the greatest movie of all time

After two huge duds, one being legitimately one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life (which can be summed up with, “I don’t want to see that”), I decided to rewatch something I knew was fucking great. Seeing this just three weeks ago, I fucking loved it, decided to give it another go and see if it holds up. It wasn’t quite as good as I remembered but was still pretty awesome.

This is not to be confused with Final Girl. That movie stars Abigail Breslin of Little Miss Sunshine, Signs, Scream Queens, so forth, who is trained from childhood by Wes Bentley from American Beauty to murder a group of high school dipshits that hunt girls from their shitty little town. It is fucking terrible. (Making them more confusing was both movies featuring actor Alexander Ludwig in key supporting roles).

The Final Girls, on the other hand, is sensational. This one, the good one, features a group of young people who go to a screening of a cheesy 1980s slasher film called Camp Bloodbath that the main girl’s dead mom starred in. It’s sort of like if Don Knots was into horror instead of Pleasantville. Love that self-aware horror/comedy shit but be advised that this is much more comedy than horror.

Pros: Great fucking cast. Postmodern horror. Movie within a movie dialogue is hilariously bad. Don't feel the need to explain a lot the "why" that doesn't need explaining.

Cons: End is a little weak and doesn't make a lot of sense (but it doesn't really have to). Not super taunt. Feel they could have cut it down another 10-15 minutes. A bit on the mushy side.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: The opening scenes are just okay. Set up that the main actress's mom, who rose to fame in a slasher film with a huge cult following, died in a car wreck and she is still dealing with it as her friends convince her to go to a screening of  said slasher flick for mostly selfish reasons. She has buddies that are trying to help get her through it and such (this group includes Ludwig [who also played the blond asshole in the first The Hunger Games movie] as the boy she likes and her BFF Alia Shawkat who played Maeby Funke in Arrested Development), a frienemy who used to date this dude she likes, and Maeby's brother who is a film geek that fucking loves Camp Bloodbath. Thomas Middleditch, the Pied Piper dude from Silicon Valley, plays this role perfectly. He's a Jamie Kennedy in Scream type horror nerd. I always identify with that guy.

Camp Bloodbath, the movie within a movie, is super fucking good. So cheesy. Pays homage to a decent amount of horror but mostly spoofs Friday the 13th. CB starts out with a Chainsaw esque scene with the kids riding along in a van just like in TCM. Obvious with allusions to Friday include the enormous mentally handicapped killer who is basically Jason Vorhees with a different mask. Not as much with Nightmare but the survivor girl in the movie within the movie is named Nancy. 

Then, out of nowhere, the they get sucked into the movie when they cut through the scene to escape a theater fire. I like that they don't feel the need to try to explain this. Here it is. This happened. Just roll with it.

I will stress this again: the cast is amazing. Not only do you have the previously mentioned folks, you also have Adam Devine who fucking is Adam from Workaholics. In this he drops "fag" which was unfortunately common in those types of movies. In this movie, however, this behavior totally gets called out in a clever and progressive way. Workaholics asks Hunger Games, "What are you, a fag?" After Hunger Games replies that his dads are gay and he will not stand for that sort of shit, Workaholics says, "Yeah, right! Gay guys can't have kids! They're too busy going to discos and having sex with each other. It's actually a pretty cool lifestyle." So good.

Also, I am totally in love with Malin Ackerman. She looks the same as she did eight years ago in Watchmen. Shit, she looks roughly the same age as American Horror Story even though she plays her mom. And fuck, she is 16 years older than AHS so could actually could be the girl's mom.

One of the chicks that is there to just die, one of the camp counselors, is so fucking horny. She is out of control. Have to put a lifejacket and oven-mitts to keep her from ripping her clothes off. She pops a bunch adderall and it's on at that point. They are all kind of dumb and intentionally one dimensional. Towards the end they come up with a solid plan but can't count on the movie people because it's in their "DNA" to die. This is a pretty cool concept. In this case the horny chick freaks out and shit-cans her role in the scheme as soon as she sees the killer. That is when shit gets real. Great fucking movie.

One last note, early in the movie, the kids go to a Frostop Root Beer Stand. These used to be more abundant than they are now but if you ever get a chance, you need to go to one. There was one a town over from Kenyon College where I did my undergrad. This was one of my monthly splurges and I bought one of their root beers almost every day. Found one a few years ago while driving through Tell City in southern Indiana. Below is a picture I took of it at the time. Good stuff.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Funny Games is the worst movie of all time

Funny Games is a remake of an Austrian movie of the same name which I haven't seen and never will. Someone presumably saw this and thought that there needed to be one in English as well. I strongly disagree. The only people I could see liking this are the type of people who think Hostel is the greatest movie ever made and Ramsay Bolton is their favorite character in Game of Thrones.

I watch some fucked up movies but am a very sensitive man. As such, every couple of years I see a movie that makes me sick to my stomach. Some horror fans may call this an endorsement. It is not. It's too goddamn real and too goddamn brutal. Don't watch this. If there is something wrong with you and you like this sort of thing, the last movie that got to me like this was a movie that takes place right here in Bloomington and stars a friend of mine's son called Found. I had no idea this guy's son was the lead until one night my buddy wore a teeshirt that said something about that movie on it to which he said “my son starred in this movie which people like for some reason.” It was so bad that my female companion and I both got sick to our stomachs on Halloween 2014. I had to get the fucking DVD out of my house that night I was so disturbed. Funny Games rivaled that and I only made it to the hour mark before turning it off.

Pros: It does what seeks out to do: deeply disturb the viewer. The actors do a good job which doesn't make the film any easier to watch.

Cons: Crass. Brutally. Derivative. An appalling film.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Silent credit opening. Thought the sound bar was off. Followed by opera and a family on the road. Playing guess the composer/opera. Stars Naomi Watts and Philip Roth. Suddenly cuts to the shittiest metal I've ever heard. Drowns out everything the family is saying and doing. Dissonant and unnerving. Also in the movie are this Michael Pitt guy who is always a psychopath and is of course one in this unwatchable home invasion and some other guy who I've never seen.

The thought of someone fucking with the dog was some shit I could not fucking deal with. Almost turned it off early because of this. A lot of the beginning is knowing shit is about to go down. It's fucking brutal. Then shit does go down and I proceeded to freak out for the rest of the movie. Early on on I was convinced I couldn't deal with this shit. My fight or flight had kicked in and had me on extreme edge. This shouldn't happen while watching a fucking movie.

They eventually take the family hostage for shits. Bet the family they won't live to morning. Break the fourth wall. We are indeed on the hostages side here. Sexually assault Watts. Whenever she gets naked in a movie it is excruciating. You don't win points for finishing a movie like this. I trudged on just hoping it would turn out alright and these pricks would get theirs. Then they kill the kid. That was it for me. Read the summary of the rest. Yeah, fuck this movie.   

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Jennifer's Body is the worst movie of all time

Jennifer's Body, also a Hole song that is not bad (I love Hole), is Diablo Cody's followup to Juno staring one Megan Fox as Jennifer who gets herself demonically possessed resulting to many a high school boy getting eaten while her BFF, played by Amanda Seyfried (who does a pretty good job), tries to stop her. I think this is maybe the start of Megan Fox mania. I don't get it. Anyway, their friendship is pretty complicated and terrible. They are more nemeses than true homies. If you combine Mean Girls and Carrie and you get Jennifer's Body. Totally has to be what they were going for. The result is way shittier though. After I started writing this I Googled those three movies and it looks like that is more or less the consensus.

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Jennifer's Body features occasionally clever dialogue but the horror/comic premise fails to be either funny or scary enough to satisfy.

Pros: Great soundtrack minus the death metal and the shitty music the Satan worshipping band that factors into the plot plays. Pretty decent ensemble cast. Moments are pretty scary. Solid acting (for the most part).

Cons: I thought this supposed to be funny. Pretty fucked up statement on female friendship. All over the fucking place. The ending is fucking terrible.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Starts with a Seyfried monologue in a prison. Some sort of celebrity criminal situation going on. Even has a nickname, “The Kicker.” We see right away that this chick is fucking insane. Assaults some doctor lady at the prison in horrific fashion by kicking her in the face. Gets herself tossed in the hole, which is later revealed to be intentional and unnecessary. Kicking never comes up again in this movie by the by.

Devil's Kettle is the town all this goes down. The town features a waterfall with a bottomless whirlpool that scientists can't figure out. Main girl, Seyfried, is supposed to BFF with Jennifer but Jennifer's is fucking terrible. They go to see some shitty band at a bar. Chris Pratt cameo. He is some 30 year old high school student at the bar. Main girl is totes in love with Jennifer. Some unhealthy shit going on there. Then, while the band plays, out of nowhere, the bar goes up completely in flames. The fire is fucking terrifying. People are on fire and running around like idiots. Main girl, Jennifer, and the band get out. Jennifer gets into his van. She's in shock maybe. Shit is creepy. I was really into this movie at this point. The situation was absurd. Both comical and horrifying. This was the most interesting part of the movie. She goes back home. Talks to her BF (?) about how fucking cray that was. She is home alone. Doorbell rings. Someone's in the house here. Some real suspense at this point. It's Jennifer and she is obviously possessed. Not in good shape. Is maybe a third more bitchy as a demon.

Movie starts out moving along quickly. This is 25 minutes in. Then it goes to shit and the pace really slows down. It sort of turns into a bad teen movie. Asking each other out on dates, soft-core awkward petting, a goth funeral that is fucking dumb (supposed to be humorous but fucking bombs), talking about research gathered in the Occult Section at the library, prepping for the big dance, so forth. Sometimes it gets pretty boring.

At school the day after the fire and possession Jennifer is totally fine. A bunch of the kids at the bar were students at this HS. I think Chris Pratt is dead already. His BFF is a fucking dipshit. Jennifer comes onto him and takes him into the woods to bone. All the animals are watching and he's like,"uh, ok." I can see the attraction now, sort of. She totally kills him. guys are fucking stupid. This scenario repeats itself multiple times over. Once with a goth. Once with an Indian kid.

Amy Sedaris shows up. Main girl's mom. Other oh-that's-what's-her/his-faces: previously mentioned Pratt, the big dumb guy from coach, Juno's dad is a teacher with a hook-hand, mom from Dead Like Me.

Do get a truly terrifying first-time sexual experience. Main girl and Jennifer are inexplicably telepathically linked. All Jennifer's killing ruined it for her. She abruptly stops having sex with her dude. A real mood killer. She leaves and almost accidentally runs over Jennifer. They eventually end up at Seyfried and almost get it on. It's a little bit hot but Jennifer has like mind control powers too which makes it super rapey. Also says a lot about the dynamics of the friendship... But I kind of get why people are into Megan Fox now. 

The band thinks she's a virgin. Sacrifice her to Satan for fame. Now she has Wolverine esque healing powers. When I saw that I thought for sure she going to have throw her in the bottomless pit but that doesn't happen. I was already over this movie long before the end but had I loved it to that point, then the last 10 minutes would have ruined it. Not going to give much away here. Just know none of it makes any fucking sense. This is especially true of everything that happens once we are back at the prison. Everything there is a fucking mess. Nice use of the song "Violet" by Hole though.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore is the greatest movie of all time

I fucking love this movie. Also, strangely relatable. Story time: Last year, I had an experience that everyone universally gave me shit for when I confronted a dude that stole a bunch of my things. After riding my bike for an hour, I hopped off, locked it up, and started getting prepared for a run. While I was stretching, I noticed a guy messing with his in the little parking area right there (off Country Club where B-Line begins, Bloomington folks). He’s looking at me. I think he’s tweaking. So back to my stuff. Put my helmet through the bike chain. Tied my seat cover down as well as I can. My pouch with my gloves and my tools is basically an easy target. Don’t know what to do with my high end front and rear lights. I sort of think to myself, “he probably isn’t going to steal your stuff; stop being an asshole.” But I am still thinking about it on my run. My intention was to go three miles and then run back. This time I decided to go a half mile, run back, check my stuff. When I got back to shit, yep, most of it was gone. So quickly I hopped on my bike and booked it in the opposite direction of the way I ran. About a half mile down the trail, there was the guy. Putting my pack on his bike. Screech. Hopped off the bike. Said something along the lines of “are you going to give me my shit back or am I gonna have to kick your ass.”  

I was insane. I am not a violent person, god help me if I ever get into a fight, but I was going on rage. The guy practically shit his pants. If you have never seen me, know that I am large. I am 6 feet 2 inches, 235 lbs. with low body fat. I was a pretty solid linebacker in college and am bigger and stronger than I was then. In tight fitting workout clothes I am superhero esque and am pretty intimidating. He didn’t know what to do so he told me a lie about buying my stuff for $10 from some kid. My response was, “I don’t give a fuck, I am getting my stuff back.” So yanked off my pack (which was damaged and I later found lacked my riding gloves) and grabbed at his backpack. In it was my seat cover but I forgot about my lights until I got home. I thought about attempting a citizen’s arrest but was there alone, with no phone, in a very isolated area. Also in his backpack were women’s shoes and underpants.

After I told people about this, everyone universally thought this was insane and gave me endless worst case scenarios. This movie is one of those scenarios.

Pros: Clever. Original. Funny(ish). Some interesting film noir elements. This is more or less a detective movie. Female protagonist who unearths the mystery of who broke into her home and stole her things and why. It's Pynchonian. I really loved this movie.

Cons: Sometimes a little too cute for its own good. Paints sort of a dark picture of humanity (which could honestly be a pro).

Notes: Start with a girl having a real shit fucking day. Works as a nurse. Dying lady's last words are “keep your goddamn monkey dick out of my good pussy.” Family wants to know the last words. Goes to a bar. Reading some book series. Some ass hat who is also into it spoils the ending for her. Fuuuuuuck. Comes home. House was broken into. The finest sort of blame her. Calls someone. Wants to come over. Cut to her talking it out. The violation of it is what gets to her. So forth. See she talking to a young child. Starts reading a story to the child and breaks down. Kid is like, what the fuck, man. Smokes out with the mom. Basically talking it out. The mom chick says something about her having it better than most. The main girl responds with but people are all “assholes... dildos... fuck-faces...”

Stays there that night much to the dad dude's annoyance. She comes home the next day. Aw shit. Dog turd on the walkway. There is Frodo walking his dog, oblivious. She throws the poop at him. I like this chick.

She finds a footprint in the back yard of the thief. Plasters it. Talks to the neighbors who don't know shit. Then she gets to Frodo's. Rocking out and lifting weights in the backyard. He is sort of an intense weirdo but seems decent. He loses it when she tells him about the robbery he is so moved. Yells at his dog. Whips out nunchucks. She eventually gets a ping for her laptop. She grabs Frodo for backup when retrieving it since the cops won't do shit. They go in. Frodo is fucking insane. Whips out a fucking mace. Some guy tries to grab it. Hits himself in the face with it accidentally. Throws and ninja star and a cherry bomb randomly. They get the laptop back but the people apparently bought it from a consignment shop. Frodo and the girl are amped. They drink and dance about. Looks like a good time.

Cut to the dude wearing the shoe that left that plastered print. He is at a party taking a dump in water receptacle in the back of the toilet. Following this he ganks some more stuff before assaults the host of the party when he threatens to call the cops. He also stares in the mirror like a freak for way too long. He ultimately ends up in the woods smoking meth with other crazy people.

The main girl and Frodo go to the shop where they find her silverware and some geriatric behind the counter. She sees the guy with the shoes and follows him out. The old man chases her down for walking off with the silverware. She sort of accidentally sort of on purpose decks him with with the case. He gets up and breaks one of her fingers like a lunatic. Frodo then pops the guy judo style. It is insane.

They eventually track the guy down to an address, his rich parents' house. For the rest of the movie things grow increasingly more insane as the main girl gets farther and farther into her investigation. Happenings include stealing lawn art, someone get hit by a bus, abduction and forced participation in a home invasion, and projectile vomiting. That is before the wheels come completely fucking off at the end. At that point it turns to more of a traditional horror movie. Fucking great flick.

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Remains is the worst movie of all time

You've all seen this before. It's just like all the other haunted house movies you've seen. One of million Poltergeist/Amityiville clones. It's also not one of those so bad it has charm movies. It's just a shitty, boring, cliché of a movie.

Pros: The dad does okay and acts like a normal guy actually would in a situation like this (which at times is unintentionally hilarious).

Cons: Shitty acting. Completely unoriginal. Dialogue is bad.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Best/worst line: Most grown-worthy line came when this neighbor lady comes over. Says something like, “it's nice the house finally sold.” The dad says something like, “yeah, hard to believe it has been empty all this time.” She then says, “I wouldn't say it's been empty.” He is like what the hell does that mean. “Oh nothing, just that there are probably mice.” She fucking says that. The dad is like what the fuck was that shit?

Notes: Movie starts by going way back. Dream of the 1890s is alive in California, apparently. Olde timey couple with a missing daughter goes to a pair of spiritualists. These people can't act for shit. So robotic it is painful. It's still better than I can do but is noticeably not great. This is going to be an long hour and half if it stays like this. Otherwise a standard seance featuring demon possession and mass murder with a phonograph playing that “Daisy” song that Hall 3000 made forever creepy.

On to present day. More shitty acting, this time with annoying children. Actually, they aren't that bad. Widower dad (who is okay at times) with three kids (all of whom sort of suck). Two young'uns and a late teen who spends most of her time early in the movie sexting at inappropriate times with her BF (like during the walk through of the house). Looking at buying a house. End up at the murder house from scene one. Comes with an enticing creepy doll sized model of the house. If there is one of these in a house you are ever looking at buying, you should definitely live there. Later she finds a terrifying doll too. Maybe rent it out or something. Also doors keep slamming and people keep running by in the shadows. Beautiful house that is too good to be true situation. City owns it and supposedly wants to just get rid of it before it depreciates in value. But the doorbell is broken.

They are moved in. The older daughter is all rebellious and feisty—smoking, backtalk, occasional freakouts, so forth. Food delivery boy drops off dinner. Mentions the fucking doorbell. Also acts like a complete asshole. Says, “I didn't think anyone would ever buy this house.” Dad is like, what the fuck, and the kid is all, whatever, old man.

Three ghost happenings the first night. Day two they find a bunch of 1890s relics like the phonograph, the doll, an old camera, the dude's pocket watch from scene one. The youngest daughter, who is a little violent and crazy, is acting strange. Like maybe she is possessed at this point. Clueless dad is like, “I need to check all this weird shit out before you play with it... It could be worth some money,” and fucking yoinks the doll. The two little kids are like super lethargic almost immediately. Basically zombies. The dad is almost comically clueless here. Kids barely able to say they want eggs for breakfast without drooling. Dad cracks them open and they filled with blood. He is like, “huh, that is weird. They must be rotten. What do you know?”

Escalates from there. Kids act weird. Shit happens to them. The boy wets himself. The girl faints. Explained as low blood sugar. Meanwhile, older sister wants to bone her skeezy BF but ghostus interruptus. Start getting ghost warning from beyond the grave. At this point the dad figures out that some shit went down in the house. Dad decides what they need to do is get rid of the stuff that was there when they moved in. But all of them are like attached to one of the items and he can't. His is the watch. He now starts dreaming about killing the kids. The movie predictably escalates from there and then it ends predictably with the survivor girl barely even noticing anything is going on. From her standpoint shit only gets weird for like two minutes of the movie then she burns the items and it's fucking over. But wait. One last shitty jump scare and we are back to the realtor selling the house again to another stupid family. What the fuck? It makes no fucking sense at all. Is she like in on it with demons/ghosts? I have no fucking clue. It's so fucking stupid. Nor is it ever scary. This is in no way worth your time.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Lesbian Vampire Killers is the worst movie of all time

This is such a shit movie. It is not worth thinking about. We are talking like Cinemax original bad. It's so juvenile. Hardly any of the jokes land. For the last 40 minutes I was just waiting for the movie to fucking end.

Pros: Really solid kills. At times sort of funny. At times fun. Pretty cool resurrection scene.

Cons: Sexist. No real buildup. A couple really dumb plot points. Choppy. James Corden is sort of a dick. Jokes are far between.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Decent escalating vampire kills: A limb to the heart. James Corden's first, cast irons a vamp's head off. Jim axes his ex's head in half. A priest exorcises a naked vamp in the shower while JC holds her in by the breasts.

Notes: Camilla, medieval queen vampire who turns girls into lovers of the vagine, opens the movie. Guy there who slays her. Not before she curses the women of the hamlet. Turn to lesbian vamps on their 18th birthdays. Someone from the hunter's bloodline will have to vanquish her. She then promises to rise again.

Present day: there is James Corden. Children's clown who punches children and hates kids. Other guy, feckless Jim, has a whore of a GF that breaks up with him whenever she wants to do some other guy. Let a dart show the way. Throw it at the map and go there. The town of Cragwich where they go hiking. JC smashes Jim's phone when his ex calls to get back with him.

Enter the lesbian vamps. Or exit rather. The sexy ladies leave an olde timey pub. Dudes pop in. No sexy ladies in there. Just old dudes. Scene is reminiscent of American Werewolf in London. The girls on the road singing some “I like you when you are naked” song which is ridiculous. Apparently they aren't vampires? Yet? All have absurd unidentifiable accents. Their van breaks down and the boys catch up to them. Suddenly their van isn't broken down? What the fuck? Anyway, all are going to the same castle for the night. Three of the four girls get turnt almost immediately. Not fucking around. The three left standing know it too. JC wants to ignore it. There are vampires fucking everywhere already.

Jim's ex shows up. Her car breaks down too. Gets to the castle. Yep. She's a vampire. All over Jim who has another chick into him who he just met and wants to give him her virginity. JC gets it in his mind that she may just want to lose it. He'll take what he can get. The boys kill his ex who is a vamp. “Best to remember her like she was: a complete fucking bitch.” Note that when the vampires are stabbed or whatever, they bleed what looks like semen for some reason. It is disgusting.

Oh, loophole, can't come in unless invited. “It's not like we are going to say, hey vampires, come in.” He was being ironic but there they are. Boo. Fucking dumb. They get kidnapped. Jim is the hunter's descendant. Only one that can end the curse. JC and a priest come to the rescue. Get into the medieval hurt's tomb and pull out his sword which has a cock for a handle. JC thinks this is hilarious. It's not. So it is also the priest's daughter's 18th birthday. Instead of locking her down or whatever he leaves her at home and she turns. Comes at JC and he kills her unbeknownst to the priest. This is supposed to be funny but is just dumb.

The survivor girl is like over the top into Jim whom she just met. She is like really into him. Keeps saying stuff about how she wishes she lost her virginity to him and that if they weren't tied up she would do him. Finally she drops an “I love you.” Insane. Then they spend most of the time they are tied up fighting. It's around here where I stopped fucking caring. More stuff happens but no one fucking cares. Tries too hard at cult status and fucking fails.  

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Los Punks: We are All We Have is the greatest movie of all time

On the Ides of March, still a couple of days behind, my follow up down the Repo Man rabbit hole was Los Punks. Still wanted a Los Angeles punk movie. This doc fit the bill and delivered everything I wanted.

With documentaries I don't feel you can really judge them like you can a fictional world. Basically, if it focuses on something interesting (or at least I find interesting) in a coherent and compelling way, then it's a home run. That said, of that subculture variety, this is the best one I've seen like this in over a year.

Most ridiculous line: “Do you know why we are here?” “Apparently someone got stabbed and they are like dying or something” and later, same guy, to a cop shutting down a party out the back of his business, “haters gonna hate.”

The whole thing reminded me of Paris is Burning. PIB, filmed in the 1980s, explores the drag show culture of New York City among the African-American, gay, Latino, and transgender communities. LP too looks at an expressive group of individuals that is unknown to outsiders. In both you have this creative, inclusive community that allows the subjects an outlet that encourages their pursuits in an adopted family-type atmosphere. Good stuff.

The film affectionately delves into the young Hispanic Punk scene in East and South Central Los Angelese. It follows various youths as they go from one backyard party/concert to the next. It also examines their day-to-days.

With everything going on in this country these days, it’s a good doc like this one that reminds me just how important and powerful self-expression are when the powers that be try to silence the other. Plus, I love docs that focus on subcultures of people that are just doing what they love doing. These docs are the best.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Logan is the greatest movie of all time

So this is it. Jackman’s last go as the X-Men’s most iconic character. Grizzled as fuck, the film is dark, violent, and is sort of a bummer of a movie. Maybe a little violent for my tastes but all in all solid. The movie is also a meditation on death which even superheroes are not immune. This one takes a lot out of you.

Pros: The feels. Performances of Jackman/Stewart/Keen (the feral little girl). Storyline.

Cons: The brutality. Too long.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Professor X is extremely old and demented, this aspect is very interesting and totally heartbreaking, and time is finally catching up with Logan as well. Their relationship is one of a man in need of physical care and the reluctant caregiver. Also, one in need of emotional care and a not quite able caregiver. A lot of tear-jerking scenes there especially with this being the last X-Men movie, for Jackman at least. It’s hard to see the treasure that is Patrick Stewart like this.

Enter adorable half-Mexican, half-Wolverine child. She’s a badass with little kid front and back claws with the power of regeneration. Some dark, governmental, paramilitary outfit has suppressed the mutant gene in the public but is using the DNA to create future super soldiers. Only thing is, these kids are living things with feelings and desires and such. Now that they have found a way to breed that out and create a fully grown, ready to rock mutant, they are just going to slaughter the kids. Cull the herd. It’s fucked up. Knowing this, the nurses, at least one of them, help the little mutant kids escape whereupon they will meet up in South Dakota and cross into mutant friendly Canada, eh.

There are several twists throughout, one that was fucking shocking, which I shant give away. One thing I shall mention, however, is Eriq La Salle, Darryl Jenks (the antagonist) from Coming to America and Dr. Benton from ER, shows up. So does Stephen Merchant from The Ricky Gervais Show.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Repo Man is legitimately the greatest movie of all time

Still the best damned car on the lot after my 20-somethingth viewing. Never gets old. This is the only non-horror films I do this with. Alone, unable to sleep, a couple nights ago was that viewing.

Every time I catch something new. This time it is that a coworker, Kevin, of protagonist Otto who gets fired from the grocery along with him by manager Mr. Humphries is revealed to be the manager's son. Early we see Kevin hosting a party saying it's at his parents' house. Later we see Mr. Humphries at the same house in the doorway. Here Kevin can be seen in the background, adjusting a TV set.

Pros: Dialogue. Music. Punk style. Ludicrous and amazing storyline. Harry Dean Stanton. Hilarious.

Cons: Flawless.

Best line: “Let's go commit some crimes.” “Yeah, let's go get sushi and not pay.”

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: With this watching, I focused on the critique of religious hypocrisy pointed toward the cult of Scientology. I know infinitely more about the infamous belief system than my last viewing after watching Going Clear and Leah Remini series and have been interested in rewatching with all that in mind.

We get the first shot at religion soon into it when protagonist Otto, the Mightly Duck man himself, Emilio Estevez, goes home to his hippy parents' place wanting the money his parents gave away to the to Reverend Larry on the electric teevee machine (may or may not have been a Scientologist) to make bad decisions with. While his parents do a jay they break the news that they gave that money away to the rev's telethon, sending Bibles to El Salvador. This all happens as Larry drones on with the following:

“The lord has told me personally. Yay for I walk with the lord, Amen. He said Larry you and your flock shall seek the promised land. But only if you first destroy the twin evils of godless communism abroad and liberal humanism at home. Oh joy and Hallelujah smash'em down. Now my friends... Occasionally we get a letter from a viewer that says now the only reason Reverend Larry comes on your television set is because he wants your money. And do you know what? They're right! I do want your money. Because god wants your money. So I want you to go out and mortgage that home and sell that car and send me your money. You don't need that car.”

What about Otto? He is on “the honor roll of the chariots of fire.” Same as them. A gift. From all of them jointly. Megachurch cults were starting the new big thing at the time, apparently, among the early boomers as they as they went from hippie to conservative in the decade of greed as good.

But he is given two appealing alternate worldviews. One by Bud and one by Miller.

Bud, the repo man that introduces Otto to the lifestyle, presents him with his set of values in the form of the “Repo Code.” Every man has to have a code. Bud's basically puts a lot of emphasis on personal responsibility. For him duty, doing the job to the best of his abilities, is his raison d'etre. But. Some of these guys. They don't live by the code. The rival repo men, the Rodrigo brothers--”Gypsy dildo punks”--and several of the gentlemen at the Helping Hand Acceptance Corporation come to mind. This leads to a lot of strife among all those groups (not to mention the nihilist punks that believe in nothing).

The code basically goes thus: “I shall not cause harm to any vehicle nor the personal contents thereof, nor through inaction let that vehicle or the personal contents thereof come to harm.”

Then there is Miller's “lattice of coincidence.” That is, basically, all things happen for a reason because of an underlying interconnectedness.

“A lot of people don't realize what's really going on,” Miller says. “They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidents and things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything. Give you an example, show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, 'plate,' or 'shrimp,' or 'plate of shrimp' out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness.”

While Miller speaks, Otto tosses a copy of Dioretix: The Science of Matter Over Mind by A. Rum Bobb, an obvious spoof of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics, into a trash fire Miller has going. The book was given to him by another repo man, Lite, who tells Otto that the book will change his life. From there it gets a little weirder but elaborates on his philosophy.

“There ain't no difference between a flying saucer and a time machine. People get so hung up on specifics they miss out on seeing the whole thing. Take South America for example. [In] South America, thousands of people go missing every year. Nobody knows where they go, they just, like, disappear. But if you think about it for a minute, you realize something. There had to be a time when there was no people, right? Well where did all these people come from, huh? I'll tell you where. The future. And where did all these people disappear to? [Otto: The past?] That's right! And how did they get there? Flying saucers. Which are really..? Yeah, you got it, time machines. I think a lot about this kind of stuff.”

This all makes more sense with the ending when Miller and Otto ride off in a Chevy Malibu with aliens in the trunk in the movies climax, to give just a bit away. Dude seems insane but there is some stuff there... Anyway, this movie is the fucking best.