Monday, November 13, 2017

Murder Party is the greatest movie of all time


When it comes to movies that boast a $0 budget, Murder Party is easily the best I've ever seen. It has sort of the same feel as Sushi Girl, if you are familiar with that piece of shit, except infinitely better with what was supposedly a $0 budget as the filmmakers also financed the film.

The production company, called The Lab of Madness, again, consists mostly of cast and crew (basically the same thing) who have been making movies together since elementary school. There is a pretty cool interview with actor Macon Blair, who play Macon (the one who dresses up as a werewolf in the movie) and director Jeremy Saulnier on Monsterfresh.com from back when the movie came out. Here they talk about self financing the film and working together (along with Christopher Sharp, the lead named Chris) from childhood on. While in high school Sandy Barnett (who plays Alexander), Paul Goldblatt (Paul), and William Lacey (Bill) would join them in these VHS movie making adventures with all of them studying film in one form or another after graduation.

After making several short films, it came time for them to create their first feature but they were unable to get any funding. So the group took matters into their own hands and just started making the movie with what they had which is awesome and the result was this master piece which turns out to be the greatest movie of all time.

Pros: Well acted especially considering unknowns. Dope special effects. Nice kills and gore. Interesting take on art/artists and grant money (know how that is). Really fun story.

Cons: Really don't have anything negative to say about this other than it was shot on digital. Great film. 

Notes: Murder Party features a guy named Chris who finds an invitation to a "murder party" dated for Halloween night, that evening, while walking home from work. After baking up some pumpkin bread with non-organic raisins in it, he goes to the party hosted by a group of artists set on killing him in hopes of getting grant money from a supposedly rich benefactor named Alexander. Things do not go as planned as people die, mostly horribly and hilariously, and what's more is that no one appreciates the pumpkin bread. As animosity and jealousy flares up among the the artists, and one brings his assistant to the performance to light his shots, Chris sees his opportunity to use the disorder to make make a break for it.

Despite the lack of budget, there are some excellent kills and the makeup is pretty groovy as well. Since they had no money to work with, the group focused their funds on making one or effects really dope. Effects artists Paul Goldblatt (whom you'll recognize as Paul) and Chris Connelly (who specialized in make up) did not disappoint. The two that really came to mind were when the guy in the werewolf mask's face catches on fire and it melts to his face (thanks to Goldblatt) and when the guy who gets the chainsaw to head (which was Connelly's handiwork). That second scene is long and brutal and looks amazing.

The movie is also super funny and does a good job of mixing in one-liners and some long setup chuckles. A lot of the jokes involve artist community humor. Basically poking fun at how pretentious people are and artists continue to roll with bad ideas and so forth. Also how cutthroat and catty it can get.

All in all, this was a super solid movie and you should really check it out. I will definitely be watching the rest of Saulnier's body of work and what he comes out with in the future. 

Monday, October 30, 2017

Rewatched Friday the 13th... Still the worst movie of all time


Since it was just Friday the 13th, Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy takes another look at Friday the 13th. Spoiler. It's still trash.

Watched it at the local drive-in, Starlite. Local horror legend Sammy Terry was there. Despite technical difficulties with the movie, it was still a blast with Sammy yucking it up.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Happy Death Day is the greatest movie of all time



Tis the season for studios to give us the horror they've been setting on for months in hopes that the holiday will get people in seats to watch teens get sliced and diced. With cinemas saturated with trash, it rarely works. It seems like the better movies, or ones expected to more commercially successful, films like Mother and the 12th Annabelle movie, are usually out by late summer, leaving October with the bottom of the barrel. Despite conventional reasoning here, Happy Death Day fucking rocked. Watch the video to see my take!

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy presents Creature of Destruction


Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy presents Creature of Destruction! Come watch our first movie together where I will be trying hypnotizing my lovely nurse and turning her into a blood-thirsty monster!

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

It is the greatest movie of all time


 It was so hyped that there was almost no way that it was not going to disappoint, at least a little bit. About the time we collective had decided this, critics came back and said, "no, believe the hype, for reals." While It doesn't quite live up to all that, it was a very solid movie, especially for horror, which seems to be finally getting some respect as a genre. Above is my Dr. Carver, Auteur Autopsy review. Enjoy!

The film follows seven bullied adolescents who come together to form the "Losers' Club" when a supernatural clown terrorizes them and kidnaps and eats children in the sewer system, where he resides, in town of Derry, ME. Along the way, we witness their growing pains like dealing with a sociopath, love triangles, and their parents (who are the worst). All that being said, this is basically nostalgia porn. It has its moments where it is scary but if you could handle Stranger Things then you can handle this.


The movie is only the second feature film of up-and-comer Andy Muschietti, which is extremely impressive, and stars mostly unknowns in Jaeden Lieberher as the leader of the Losers' Club Bill Denbrough and Bill Skargard (who was in Hemlock Grove [the rich vampire one] and Atomic Blonde and is the son of Stellan Skargard who was the killer in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo among other things) as the immediately terrifying Pennywise the Dancing Clown or It. Rounding out the rest of the Losers are Jack Dylan Grazer who sort of stole the show with his dry humor as Eddie Kaspbrak who is the smallish sickly one with asthma, Chosen Jacobs as Mike Hanlon--the black one, Sophia Lillis as Bev Marsh--the girl that Bill makes out with at the end, Wyatt Oleff as Stan Uris--the jewish one, Jeremy Ray Taylor who is the chubby one that also kisses and is into Bev, and Finn Wolfhard (whom you'll recognize as the main boy in Stranger Things [I think he does a better job here btw])as Richie Tozier who is the funny one with glasses. I don't know if this is a spoiler or not, it won't really make any sense if you don't know at least this so just roll with it, the movie is first of at least two movies movies based on Stephen King's book of the same name.

Pros: The acting is flawless across the board. Where do they find these kids? Skargard was really good too. Like when he is talking to Georgie, the first kid we see him kill, trying to get him to come up to the sewer grate, you hear a kind of desperation in voice that you didn't get with Tim Curry, the original Pennywise. Seeing my childhood years, I'd be about the same age as the kids in 1989, portrayed on screen is always pretty cool and this film really gets that time period, which is dope. It's just a really sweet movie about child abduction, murder, and cannibalism (though I guess technically not since Pennywise is a

Cons: Not as scary as I wanted it to be. Just a couple of jump scares and one super creepy scene. When Pennywise dances it is more unintentionally hilarious than spooky. They strip down two characters in a way that is pretty irritating.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Well-acted and frightening with an emotionally affecting story at its core, It amplified the horror in Stephen King's classic story without losing touch with its heart.

Random thoughts on It: Here are my sort of complaints and one thing I thought was pretty awesome. First, there are two too many kids for a film of this length, at least in the way that the director/studio decided to do it. Those two kids are Mike and Stan who are basically just the black one and the Jewish one respectively. In the book and the miniseries this was not so. The difference was that they took away the two characters' things and gave them to Ben and Bev, giving them even more screen time. In the book it was Mike who does all the research on the town and discovers the pattern of the clown. In this film this role was given to Ben who had his own thing in the book (he was really good at building stuff). Stan, meanwhile, basically offers nothing. He is sort of the voice of reason, I guess, but less than in King's telling where he has a Spock-like presence. In this adaptation, he comes off more of a wuss. The most irritating thing here is that in the book, Stan saw the dead lights before the battle when they are kids, survived but was unable to completely adjust, and eventually was unable to deal when Pennywise reappears in adulthood (SPOILER FOR THE BOOK: Stan kills himself). SPOILER FOR THE FILM: Here they completely take that shit and give it to Bev which is sort of bull shit.

My biggest fear here is that they are setting up some long, horrible franchise like with The Conjuring movies. Could you imagine them doing prequels or even worse movies where they are old or their children fight Pennywise. Gag. Let's hope they stick with just one more.

The film is not as scary as I was expecting. There were basically two scenes that creeped me out and two scenes that made me jump. The scene in the garage is easily the most insane and where Pennywise is genuinely pretty terrifying and where he twists out of that clock during one of the battle scenes is cool looking and creep city. When he catches the kids he generally just grabs them and is like, "Boogah-boogah! ... Are you scared? ... ... ... Boogah-boogah!"

The movie had way more humor in it than the miniseries. It seems like they got the kid from Stranger Things just to crack wise, and he does a great fucking job. Like after they go to the reservoir and the young girl swims around and suns herself in her underpants and the boys lose it, the next day she says to them "I need to show you something," and he asks, sardonically, "More than you showed us yesterday at the quarry" He is pretty good with the one-liners.Then there is Eddie who is just super dry and funny as shit. Example: Richie gives him shit about taking so many pills and he snaps back that he takes them so that he can do Richie's sister. Or something like that. Just like the kids I grew up with.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Dr. Carver's Auteur Autopsy discusses Freaks of Nature


This week I talk about 2015's Freaks of Nature, a vampire, werewolf, alien, zombie, coming of age horror/comedy. This is of the direct to video, premier is my living room variety of movie which is surprising considering its star power (more on that in a minute). Though the movie got more or less exclusively bad reviews, I loved it (though my taste may be a bit skewed with all the carnage I have to see) but it's not in the god tier of movies by any means.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Detention is the greatest movie of all time


I looooooved this fucking movie. Totally one of those kitchen sink type movies, there is a lot going on. The film has lots of meta, self-referential humor,
features a slasher based on a Saw esque movie within the movie called
Cinderhella, time travel, prom, Freaky Friday body swapping that makes the old noodle hurt to think about, a vegan protagonist, a guy with fly DNA, Canadians, and even aliens. It is fucking awesome.

The basic gist of the movie is a killer obsessed with the fictitious horror franchise Cinderhella dons the costume and kills a bunch of Grizzly Lake High School students. The group of suspects/potential victims include protagonist Riley Jones (Shanley Caswell, a pretty young lady who was in The Conjuring but not much else I've seen) who is sort of a suicidal outcast with a broken leg, her love interest/buddy from childhood Clapton Davis (Josh Hutcherson who was Peeta in the Hunger Games), his love interest and her one-time homey (whose mother has inhabited her body, sending her mind back to 1991--it's best not to think to hard about this) the cheerleader Ione, the "nerd" that's obsessed with Riley, Sander Sanderson (A.D. Johnson), and the jock with fly DNA that is obsessed with Ione, Billy Nolan (Parker Bagley), and numerous others including a Canadian. The principal, Dane Cook, gives all the usuals all-day detention in an effort to keep Cinderhella from murdering anyone at prom. 

Pros: Pacing. Pretty ladies. Meta as fuck. The survivor girl is a vegetarian. Casting. Soundtrack. This movie rocked.

Cons: Sometimes it is tell what the hell is happening. There may be too much going on here (at times).

The pacing of this movie is fucking insane. It's a movie for people with no attention span and it really jumps all over the place. It's like being on Adderall. We start out with a killing, segue to Mean Girls, get some more killing, suddenly get a dude with fly DNA, more killing, get the ludicrous solution to the killings (put them all in detention) when they start watching the Cinderhella movie where they see the movie is about a bunch of kids in detention are watching a lower budget movie of about a bunch of kids in detention watching a very
low budget movie of about a bunch of kids in detention watching a possible porn movie of about a bunch of kids in detention

It is here when we get my favorite line in the movie which sort of requires a bit of backstory. For a long time my female companion and I would seek out ridiculous Canadian horror. It is a sub-genre I encourage everyone to explore. Some of these movies are genuinely good movies with lower costs to make like Ginger Snaps, Ponypool, Trick 'r Treat, or The Witch (2015). Others decide to mix in elements of comedy, these being along the likes of Horns, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and Wolfcop. And then there are the ones that are just a train wreck that ends up sort of working, Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare and Zombie Nightmare both  come to mind here. Zombie Nightmare even had a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode devoted to it where they address this sub-genre at one point saying that the movie had "Canada's stink all over it," which is something we often say and both said while watching this movie. So it really tickled us when one of the kids in detention, watching one of these low budget slasher flicks inside of flasher flick, and so on, asks, "what is this, Canadian?" It was the first time we had ever heard this addressed and could not stop laughing. 

Another hilarious moment and reference to Canada comes near the beginning of the movie from Gord, the Canadian, is easily my favorite character (but they are all pretty amazing). He is facing off again the main girl in debate class on vegetarianism. This fucking rant he goes on is fucking golden and complete nonsense and it comes at you in that style of debate where information is just thrown at you at insane, breakneck speed with "facts" that have no basis in reality. I don't usually include fucking dialogue (or monologue or whatever) in these things but this is fucking out there. It goes thus: "Yes, I'd like to start off by saying that this girl's argument is ridiculous! Vegetarians who eat fish are hypocrites! She thinks because fish may feel no pain they don't value their lives. Absurd! And notice how she expresses almost no sympathy for chickens. That's because Americans hate chickens. For example, KFC serves popcorn chicken to assure the customers that the chicken was blown to bits, yet the meatball sub at Subway isn't called 'popcorn cow.' Americans want chickens to die! Lame! Personally, I do feel sympathy for animals, which is why I choose to only eat baby animals. They have not lived as long, and they are not leaving as much behind. Baby clams, chicken wings, baby seals - no... big... loss! If we don't eat meat, we lose out place in the food chain. Eating animals gives us confidence as humans. Vegetarians like this girl, who is only wearing one shoe, have less confidence than everybody else."

More comedy than horror, we are treated to a mullet beats ponytail battle where two dudes fight in the style of Swayze and Seagal, time traveling and freaky Fridaying (for no reason), a dude with fly DNA (again, for no reason other than referencing another horror movie), the best possible answer to "do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?" ("the easy way"), and an out there ending involving aliens and Canadians.  We get lots of meta-references like talking about how the murders at the beginning are like Scream, a cop says the goings on in the school really "nuked the fridge," and so forth. And when the vegetarian decides to eat meat again we get a dude that comes down in pieces on the grill, making the burger falls out of her mouth in disgust (noice). Movie is sweet and definitely worth your time. 

Update: My Dr. Carver Auteur Autopsy review...


Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Annabelle: Creation is the worst movie of all time (though it was extremely scary)


I am not sure where we are in the Conjuring series here. I think this is the second prequel, fourth movie overall. The first one was impressively scary, the other two meh, and this one, while scary as shit, was not what I would call a good movie. It was only like two days ago that I saw this, yet I can't tell you much of what happened. This is the archetypal "cheap thrill". Crappy story but the director does a phenomenal job of scaring the piss out of me.

This movie starts out with a youngish family, a dad who makes dolls and a mom who is there, who have this playful little girl that dies when she is hit by a truck on a dirt road. From there we cut to 12 years in the future. The couple, the mom now crippled and the dad a broken shell of a man, now opens up their home to a nun and a group of orphans to "make amends". Of the orphans, there are six(ish) of them, only two of them are really important: the one with polio and little one. Things are pretty much immediately fucked but the horror ramps up when polio goes into the dead girl's room and finds the possessed doll, Annabelle. From there things escalate, leading to smoke monsters, demon dolls, possession, telekinetic disembowelment, nun flinging, scarecrow inhabitancy, so forth, which ultimately takes us to the start of the first Annabelle movie, the second in The Conjuring series.

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Annabelle: Creation adds another strong chapter to the Conjuring franchise - and offers further proof that freaky-looking dolls remain reliably terrifying.

Pros: Super creepy, unsettling atmosphere. Decent intro. Really good combo of slow burn and jump scares.

Cons: Plot is forgettable. Feels a lot longer than it was (never a good sign). Run of the mill demon flick that doesn't offer anything new.

Just making some dolls
Notes:  The opening is Lynchian. We get the dad, Anthony LaPaglia whose biggest role is likely Jack Malone in Without a Trace, putting the finishing touches on the creepy-ass Annabelle doll. This is number 1 of 100. He is getting these little notes that say shit like "come find me" and what not. Eventually see they are being left by his daughter. Normal family from the 1940s or 50s or whenever this is from. Mom is Miranda Otto whom you may remember from The Lord of the Rings as Eowyn. She is barely on screen and her face is covered for a lot of it (later see it was an Annabelle mishap) but she is fine looking here. They go to church and we see some toy store owner that is like, "hey, do you have any more of those disturbing looking dolls (even though that one you made obviously said 1 of 100)? The kids just love those things!!!" Anyway, they get on the road and get a flat. While they are there on the side of the road, the little girl is hit by a truck and killed.

Eowyn
Next thing we see is a group of orphans getting off a bus with a nun and a priest (who does not stay with the ladies at the house). This is 12 years later. Really pull at the old heart strings. Give one of the orphans polio. Her name is Janice. The rest of the girls mistreat her, sort of. The early story focuses on her and her little buddy, Linda, who just want to get adopted. Fuck. Well, that first night Janice goes into the forbidden room and lets out the demon doll. Shit. The next day she goes to confessional and admits that she went to demon doll room. The nun gives her a bunch of shit for this, is like "you are going to get us kicked out of here and then you'll never get adopted." Ouch. Come to think of it, it's pretty inconsiderate having all these children into your home along with all these devil dolls hidden about the house. But Janice, we see, is weird so whatever. She steals the dead girl's picture off the wall which was bizarre. Why would anyone want that?

Several times throughout the movie Janice screams bloody murder just feet away from her sleeping housemates and no one wakes up. Around here we get the obligatory "I'll steal your soul!" line, which (SPOILER FOR THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH HERE) it does, eventually. She gets super creepy here. Her and the doll are inseparable. Linda takes the doll and throws it down a well which doesn't phase it. They need to fucking cunt punt the shit out of that fucking thing. They ultimately determine that it is too late for Janice and lock her possessed ass in the demon room with the doll. This is after all the demon murder and carnage, of course. When they all run out of the house, I though for sure that the house was going to implode, Poltergeist style. When the police and such come to the home at the end of the movie, Janice is gone. That's weird everyone collectively says, but they are not very concerned. Should have been though as we see the girl getting adopted by the family that gets killed at the beginning of Annabelle. The flick then segues into that piece of shit movie. Roll credits.

The scariest parts of the film was probably the tea party scene when the mom character walks in on her dead daughter playing with the Annabelle doll. The mom has her cross out while the daughter is facing the opposite direction. As she steps closer, the daughter levitates and bones crack and break in disgusting jerking motions. The girl is possessed as fuck, coming at the mom all quick and unnaturally. It's disturbing. The most (maybe) unintentionally hilarious part of the movie, there are several of these moments, comes at the end after the priest comes back to the house to check everything out. He carrying Annabelle, is all, "the doll was possessed but isn't now." He then plops the doll down in front of the girls and is like "which one of you gets it?" Yeah, pretty sure a half hour is a little too soon to make jokes, if that is what it was.

Ultimately the thing I didn't like about the movie was how unbelievable it was. Part of the appeal of The Conjuring was that this was based on a "true" story and it felt real with some embellishments. The thing that sucked about that first Annabelle movie was that is was just a bunch of made up nonsense about where the doll came from that had no basis in reality. Basically, it was over-the-top absurd. This one doesn't go quite that far, but on the whole the plot is pretty ludicrous, though I'd put it second of the four on the most believable list, including The Conjuring 2 which was supposed based in reality as well.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood is the worst movie of all


Good god. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood is the one where the wheels come totally off (i.e. where the magic happens). Finally moving past the character Tommy, who was the survivor boy in the previous three installments, this one pits good old immortal Jason Voorhees, played by Kane Hodder for the first time (he would play Jason in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday), against telekinetic Tina Shepard who brings him back to life with her mind which results in the death of mother, shrink, and the teens that have come to Crystal Lake to celebrate this idiot bro's birthday.

This one was originally conceived as a potential Freddy Vs. Jason but was too ahead of its time. While we would get that flick 15 years later, New Line, the production company behind the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, and Friday the 13th's Paramount, couldn't get their shit together in 1987. Nightmare was at the height of its popularity and the deal that Paramount brought to the table didn't impress Bob Shaye, CEO of New Line. What they offered was they would keep creative control of the film as well as handle domestic distribution while New Line would retain international distribution, which was basically offering them next to nothing. New Line would pass, going on to make Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master which was also trash.

That having fell through and with the series pretty much DOA, Paramount decided to brainstorm other famous foils that they could have Jason go toe-to-toe with. The screenwriter, Daryl Haney, basically just threw ideas at the producer until something stuck, saying "I notice that at the end of these movies there’s always a teenage girl who’s left to battle Jason by herself. What if this girl had telekinetic powers?" Hence this is the one that sort of became known as Carrie vs. Jason which is insane.

Pros: Another giant leap toward comedy. One solid kill in the infamous sleeping bag death. The telekinesis stuff has some potential.

Cons: More or less completely diverges from the previous films (though Jason does sort of hold it all together). Out there in a bad way. It's bad acting, irritating character, and a crappy plot even by Ft13th standards. Shitty kills and very little nudity.

Same damn person
Notes: If I've said it once I said it a million times, or maybe never, but franchises really start to peak around part seven. In that vein, in this part seven we get telekinesis for no reason. Fuck it, man. We get it with the survivor girl who is a small child at the beginning of the film. Her dad is being an abusive asshole. He beats the mom and is just a dick in general. The little girl goes out on a little boat to get away from him and when he follows to the edge of the dock, she psychokinesises the platform, sending him into the lake where he drowns. She immediately regrets it although her dad was a raging dickhead. She ultimately grows up to be the girl from Road Trip (Amy Smart, who is also a very pretty lady).

Part of what makes this movie so bad were all the horrendously unimaginative the kills were. Most of the kills are just Jason grabbing and stabbing. At several points in the film, Jason does the thing where he just walks up behind someone and you think, "huh, this is too obvious, of course this isn't how he is going to kill this person," and then he does. The only really memorable kill is the infamous sleeping bag death. In this one, Jason first kills the dude, Dan, with a machete by, of course, just walking up to him and murdering him. Meanwhile, the girl is getting ready for bed in their massive 30 person tent when Jason walks up. She sees him and her dead dude, maybe, and decides this is too much, she needs to hide. Going on instinct, I guess, she zips herself up in her sleeping bag. Jason grabs her, walks her over to a tree, and smashes her into it. Fuck yes.

Not a lot of nudity in either. We get a skinny dipper who just swims in place when Jason comes at her, then we get one other set of breasts from the stoner chick late in the movie. Both the chicks are super attractive though. Speaking of swimming, I guess we are just gonna ignore that Jason is now an excellent swimmer. The kid drowned and in every movie now we see him fly by Michael Phelps.

The movie also has some of the most irritating characters in the whole franchise which says a lot when alumni include Kevin Bacon, Corey Feldman (who did a fine job), Crispin Glover gyrating about, the character with the lowest self-esteem in all of cinema, a guy that walks on his hands, a mother-son neo-Nazi duo, a rapey coroner (giving us a bad name), and a punk chick who only gets screen time so that she can do the robot. The two worst offenders are the desperate homely girl and the fucktard writer guy. First we'll start with the less offensive homely girl. The dude she is interested in, some rich dude, maybe the writer dude, I don't remember, goes with someone else. Most the people are dead at this point and everyone else is dead drunk. She decides this is an appropriate time to try to make an all out effort to get the dude to notice her. She gets completely dolled up at like two in the morning and goes out looking for him. She is just like wandering about saying his name. It's the weirdest and craziest thing I've ever seen. No wonder she is single. She ultimately dies alone.

Now for the writer dude. Fuck this guy. The writer dude has to be in the running for the most irritating character of all time. This rich bitch, Melissa, played by Susan Jennifer Sullivan (who was long rumored dead but is in fact alive and well) who is Jenna from 30 Rock except serious, leads him on and makes out with him to make this other guy who is more interested in the telekinetic chick jealous. When she finally tells him, "hey, I'm not going to have sex with you," he loses it and says some down right weird shit. "I know about rejection," he says at one point, "I've been rejected by the finest science fiction magazines in the continental United States!" Then he goes down stairs, opens the birthday dude's gifts, and, thankfully, dies.

Though the shit I have already mentioned has already ruined my opinion of the movie, I sort of don't mind the telekinesis stuff. I'm sort of in the if you have an unkillable zombie who has magically learned to swim despite originally drowning (maybe) that has the ability to teleport (unconfirmed until Part VIII), then fuck, I can buy psychokinesis. Her psychic ability, on the other hand, is basically useless. She sees the future but is either unable to change it or she fucks it up and doesn't because she is an idiot. Like when she sees her mother die and then she dies like in said vision. This leads to some ridiculousness. Psychic girl flees her cabin when she finds out her like live-in shrink or stepdad or whatever is fucking with her head. The mom and said shrink or whatever start chasing her so she hops in the car and takes off, ultimately crashing it when she has the vision of her mom getting killed. She then heads to the cabin to find her love interest to help. When she gets there, she says to him, "I just saw my mom; I have to find her," which is nonsense. She could have just stayed where she was since her mom was just looking for her and came up to the car immediately after she ran off.

So they go out to find her. The asshole stepdad or what-have-you throws the mom in front of him so that Jason kills her instead of him--what a guy!--but he eventually gets his when Jason walks up on him (maybe teleport) with a buzz saw and disembowels the prick. The chick finds her mom and is pissed. Comes up on Jason just sort of moseying down the street. The girl sort of telekinesises Jason into a mud puddle and then downs a power line that electrocutes him with the infamous 80s blue lightning. Doesn't work though and they end up back at the cabin somehow. She also smashes a house on him around here. This only causes mild irritation.

Down to three survivors now. The psychic, the love interest dude, and the rich bitch. Rich bitch has no idea what's going on and is obviously not long for this world. Awfully late in the movie to be alive and clueless and a bitch. She tells Melissa what is going down but Melissa is like, "uh, this is fucking crazy, let's go, guy," and she goes to leave. And... she's dead. Axe to the face. Not coming back from that. Now Jason comes at dude and psychic chick. She mentally keeps chucking shit at him like couches, potted plants with severed heads in them, bits of cabin, so forth. Eventually she smashes his hockey mask. The straps cut into his skin. It's all puss filled and fucking gross. Made my stomach turn a bit. They get it on. Jason dies and comes back like six or seven times. Eventually explode the cabin with him in there. Again, redness and slight irritation.


So Jason has the girl cornered at the edge of the dock. She is fucked. He has his knife raise and ready for that sweet, sweet final kill. But the girl has one last trick up her sleeve that comes about when she is freaking out as she unconsciously summons her dead father. He bursts up through the dock--looking surprisingly good for being dead in a body of water for over a decade--and pulls Jason down into the water, chaining him at the bottom of the lake. Man, didn't see that ending coming because it is insane and is completely out of nowhere. That is the whole movie. Insanity out of nowhere. Three more to go before Freddy vs. Jason. Fuck.

Aw, look at that face. So cute. Just want to cuddle him.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Tour de Pharmacy is the greatest movie of all time

Tour de Pharmacy is Andy Samberg's second hilarious 30 for 30 style HBO mocumentary, the first being 7 Days in Hell, that knocks it out of the fucking park with raunchy humor, faded sports stars, and big name comedians. While 7 Days in Hell lampoons the 1980s and 90s tennis rivalries of John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg as well as Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras, Tour de Pharmacy takes on doping in cycling that has tarnished the careers of pretty all within the sport's ranks in the same way that Fred Armisen and Bill Hader's Documentary Now! pokes fun at Grey Gardens with the episode "Sandy Passage". 

The film gives a fictitious account of the 1982 Tour de France where all but five cyclist are disqualified after Orlando Bloom's character, JuJu Peppie, causes a massive pileup following he attempts to grab the boob of a female spectator. This causes a free-for-all melee which climaxes with John Cena's character, Gustav Ditters, also one the "Fab Five", more on that in a minute, ripping off a dude's unitard and picking him up around his shoulders, screaming like a wild man. This ultimate leads to an investigation where it is determined that Union Cycliste Internationale president Ditmer Klerken, played by Kevin Bacon, took $50,000 bribes from cyclists in order to skip their drug screenings. The only athletes to not partake in the bribes--Adrian Baton (Freddie Highmore), Ditters, Marty Hass (Samberg), Peppie, and Slim Robinson (Daveed Diggs).

All the members of the Fab Five all have their thing. Baton is a woman pretending to be a man. Ditters has suddenly gotten huge. Hass is a white American who went to college in Nigeria and now claims the whole continent of Africa, Peppie dies on his bike because of the many drugs he has taken (and leads the pack despite being dead), and Robinson (nephew of Jackie Robinson) is determined to break the color barrier in some sport but by that point has very few to choose from. All are also suspected of taking PEDs.

Pros:Turns a pretty serious subject into a pretty funny farce. Fantastic cast. Light and colorful, everything I ask for from an 80s period piece. It's super short (so just the right length).

Cons: Lance Armstrong. No. We aren't there yet, dude. Pretty silly in a way that could be irritating. Parts drag a bit.

Notes:  The easiest chuckles the film gets are from the present day versions of the remaining Fab Five which are all just funny visual gags. Basically, these are people that could play their dads (or mom) on a normal program. In the contemporary interviews you get Danny Glover wearing a fake afro playing the Robinson character (who SPOILER ultimately won the race), Jeff Goldblum playing Samberg, Dolph Lundgren playing the older Cena, and Julia Ormond playing the female one.

The cameos are nice little surprises. In addition to the ones already mentioned we see J.J. Abrams, Phylicia Rashad from The Cosby Show (she knows something about people tarnishing their images and what have you), Mike Tyson who explains his first love was cycling, and Chris Webber (the former Michigan Wolverine that was part of a different "Fab Five"). And also there was Lance Armstrong.

Ok. We have to talk about Lance. He is in this. He plays a huge role in it. He is very funny. His presence sort of ruins the movie. Hear me out. It's not that dude denied taking drugs, it's that he came at everyone who accused him so hard and forced his teammates to also take drugs and continually lie about it, or get his wrath. Not ready to see this guy joking around about being such a huge dick and not being sorry about it.

Overall, though, the movie is solid but I was glad it ended when it did. As long as Samberg keeps putting these things out, I'll keep on watching them.