Friday, October 19, 2018

Night of the Creeps is the greatest movie of all time

Night of the Creeps. An all-time fave. Female companion loved it as well. Watched this last the night before the eclipse with an unwanted house guest. Wanted a weird space invader movie and this fit the bill, for me at least. The guest was not into it. Too crazy for him. Had to turn it off. Punished him with Detention instead which he also wasn't really able to handle. Time to revisit. Better than I remembered. Greatest film of all time indeed.

Something cool about the flick is that all the character names pay homage to other horror directors. These include characters named after James Cameron, John Carpenter, David Cronenberg who did Jeff Goldblum The Fly movie, Joe Dante of The 'Burbs and Gremlins fame, Tobe Hooper who's most remembered for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (going to be watching all of those flicks soon) who also did Funhouse and Lifeforce which I called "the worst movie of all time" but am seriously reconsidering as maybe the greatest movie of all time as I remember it fondly (it is a naked, space-vampire movie after all),  John Landis who did An American Werewolf in London among other things, Steve Miner who directed Friday the 13th: Part 2 and Part 3 as well as Halloween H20, Sam Raimi of The Evil Dead and Drag Me to Hell fame among other awesome shits, and George A. Romero who more or less invented the zombie movie. I'm not really sure why the director of this flick, one Jeff Dekker, never made it to the level of the directors he pays homage here. After this movie, Dekker's second film was 1987's Monster Squad which is universally loved. Other than that he directed an episode of Tales from the Crypt and the film Robocop 3 which he co-wrote with Frank Miller and is not remembered fondly.  He also wrote the story that would be used for the basis of the film House from 1985 directed by the aforementioned Steve Miner. He has a couple of producer credits for stuff I've never seen and a handful of writing credits, most recently for The Predator from earlier this year which was not well received. Does get much better than this or Monster Squad. Would have totally watched anything else horror related he would have made but alas. There is basically none.

Oh, wow
Pros: Extra cheese here. Over-the-top and doesn't take itself seriously though it obviously loves the genre. The worms and gore are great. The first zombie/alien movie that I know of, it is a pretty unique crossover film with an interesting/engaging plot. Cast is surprisingly solid and features Tom Atkins from Halloween III: Season of the Witch (among other things). What I consider a perfect self-aware, horror/comedy film.

Cons: Aliens in the opening scene look pretty stupid. There are also some dead animals.

Gist of the movie is that to impress a girl, dweeby college student Chris and best bud JC pledge a fraternity full of douche bags and are forced to steal a body from the college morgue when shit goes wrong. Must be a different breed of chick than I am used to that would be impressed by what frat a dude would join or whatever. The movie opens with a bunch of aliens chasing this other alien who ejects a weird canister out into space. The canister crashes to earth in the 1950s and a coed couple goes to investigate. Meanwhile, there is an axe murder on the loose who is in the area. When the dude leaves his date in the car, the murderer shows up and hacks her to bits. We later see that a cop named Ray Cameron, who had dated the girl when they were in high school, stumbled upon the scene and shot the killer to death. Fast forward 30 years in the future and the male coed in the car is the body that the dudes try to steal. Turns out the guy is infested with these sentient worms that turn people into zombies by flying into their mouths. The first person to discover the issue ends up being the female crush, Cynthia, who ends up working with the pledge to stop the college from getting overrun with these worms/zombies. Eventually the axe murderer gets possessed and shit is fucking on. On the whole, the film is an early kitchen sink type movie that throws everything out there and sees if sticks. Parasitic alien worms, B movie alien spacemen, slasher madmen, teen comedy, cop/medical drama, this film has basically everything and enjoys something of a cult following these days.

The Bradster
It stars Tom Atkins who fucking goes for it in this flick as Ray Cameron, Jason Lively who was Rusty in one of the National Lampoon's Vacation movies (European Vacation) plays Chris Romero, Steve Marshall as James Carpenter "J.C." Hooper who is the handicapped best bud of Chris, and Jill Whitlow as Cynthia Cronenberg who is the semi-rare attractive survivor girl that shows a little boob. Also appearing in the film are cutie Elizabeth Cox from Intruder as Kathy, Allan Kayser who was Bubba in Mama's Family as Brad with the vanity plate "BRADSTER" on his whip who is the generic dickhead frat douche who dates the character Cynthia before he kicks the crutch of the crippled kid which prompts her to do the classic crank flipping the bird and then later (once he has turned to an alien zombie which she doesn't notice for an insanely long time) break up with him, Robert Kino as the Asian janitor Mr. Miner who barely speaks English and just keeps repeating "screaming like banshees" which he thinks is the funniest thing he has ever heard in his whole fucking life, Dick Miller from Gremlins and The 'Burbs and a million other things has a small part, David Paymer who is a guy you sort of recognize but have no idea where from as a medical student that gets murdered, Vic Polizos (another I-sort-of-recognize-that-guy guy) who plays this coroner that is constantly eating while poking around horribly murdered individuals, David Oliver who died of AIDS in the early 1990s as Steve with the uni-brow who is basically just a generic meathead, and the very attractive Suzanne Snyder from Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Return of the Living Dead II, and Weird Science. Lot of people you sort of know, I guess.

The zombie ax murderer. Lot going on here
Best line of the movie is a tough one with this flick and Atkins going a mile a minute. The first thing he says, something of a swing and miss, came after a guy asks him if he is the detective when he replies, "No, Bullwinkle Moose." Later that same scene we get "That's fine. Candy-ass, but fine." and when talking about a body that suddenly wasn't there he says "What, did he have a date? Whaddya mean it isn't here?" and later "Zombies, exploding heads, creepy-crawlies... and a date for the formal. This is classic, Spanky." Chris also has a pretty good one. Atkins basically out of nowhere starts telling Chris, a college freshman whom he calls "Spanky", before they really know much of what was going down, that he shot and killed that ax murderer though he didn't need to. Chris then replies, shocked, "detective, other than confessing to a murder, is there a point to this conversation," which is bold. Also of note here, Cameron buried the guy under the floor of the sorority mother's home. The guy ends up coming back to life and they have a zombie ax murderer situation on their hands that they have deal with. But my fave line is probably, from Cameron, "What I'm going to need is your standard flame thrower."

"Your date's here! And he's looking good!"
Best scene of the movie is easily the zombie formal. The sorority girls at this point know shit is going down. Cameron, Chris, and Cynthia have let them know what's up. Meanwhile, down the way, the Beta Frat that they seem to have some sort of thing with, had a bus crash because of a possessed dog and all of them end up getting infected. Once they show up shit really hits the fan and it becomes your typical zombie/home invasion flick. Well sort of. It kicks off with a Cameron zinger, "I got good news and bad news, girls," he says, "The good news is your dates are here." "What's the bad news?" one of the girls asks, taking the bait. Cameron tells her, "They're dead." At that point one of the dead guys breaks into the sorority house and attacks a chick. Atkins unnecessarily pushes her down after she breaks free from the guy and tells her to duck. He then looks the zombie guy in the eye, says "it's Miller time", and shoots him in the face. When the worms come crawling out, he takes an aerosol can to his cigarette and lights those shits on fire. Bad ass. From there all hell breaks loose and it descends in complete chaos. Sort of like Re-Animator. Dope ass scene.

It is during that best scene that we get the best kill as well. While Cameron is busy flame throwing people to death, Chris and Cynthia remain outside, getting overwhelmed by the zombie hoard. But they end up making their way over to this little shed with all the sorority's landscaping equipment. It's then that Steve, with his unibrow and all, among other Beta zombies comes at the pair and breaks through the shed's walls. Steve eventually grabs Cynthia and is going to turn her when Chris grabs a lawnmower and fires it up, saying "later dude" as he mows the guy down. While not nearly as insane as when the main character in Peter Jackson's Dead Alive does it several years later, but this put that instrument on the map as a viable and gruesome tool to dispatch zombies with.

MVP of the movie is 100% Tom Atkins. It's not even close. As you can see from best scene and best line, he is all over this movie. He really swings for the fences in this flick. Every damn line from the moment he is on screen is quotable and absurd. As someone at Horror Freak News put it, "Tom Atkins steals scenes with one-liners like there was a prize for it," one JC Richardson wrote. Pretty much as every damn line is a joke. Sort of like how Deadpool 2 was. They just keep coming at you. This was also Atkins favorite of his 81 movies according to the source. That's saying a lot considering he was a huge overachiever for his shtick being an over-the-top chain-smoking drunk that cracks wise whilst looking hungover. He was Michael Hunsaker, the guy who got involved over his head with paramilitaries in Lethal Weapon, for god's sake. "Never before has a C Level actor risen so high."

Thursday, October 18, 2018

The Houses October Built 2 is the worst movie of all time

The Houses October Built 2. Trash. Like the first one which I watched last year, the idea is interesting--check out and show us some cool haunts from around the country, go to one that ends up being too extreme, so forth--but ends up being sort of boring and lame. Like watching someone else play a video game, I don't really get into watching other people do something I'd rather be doing. I want to go to a haunted house, one way less extreme than The Blue Skeleton or anagram Find Hellbent from this one, I don't really want to see someone else do it. That is sort of related to why I think it is sort of trash as it's barely a movie. More just showing people go to these things and then loosely tying it to a plot. This one is way less ambiguous than the first which is something that flick had going for it. First it tells us what happened at the end of the first one, they all survived, then the ending of this one it is obvious that they all live and the extreme haunt isn't out to do them any physical harm (they they may have killed off the friendship). Not really all that crazy, really. Sort of just a meh documentary that's fake. It's whatever, I guess. But hey. They made a movie. Better than the one I did in college. But it's still trash and the worst movie of all time.

Still lame
Pros: Sort of inspiring for the Halloween season. Gets you in that mood and what not.

Cons: Basically the same movie as the first one only more boring. Not much happens. Less intriguing of an ending than the first as well. The ending is weak. The stakes are obviously much lower than in the first one since we find out nothing happened to anyone at the end of the first one. The one lame doll chick is back now only taller. She is wearing a mask so why not use a different child? IDK.

Gist of the alleged film... Getting over being buried alive by a called "The Blue Skeleton" in the first film, a group of 30 somethings that are into extreme haunts go around the country going to more haunted houses, this time with something of a celebrity status from after going viral because of their nearly getting killed for their love of haunts. They go to haunted hayrides and meh haunted houses before doing another "extreme haunt", this one titled "Find Hellbent" which later we see is an anagram for "The Blue Skeleton" which is stupid. This time the extreme haunt is more focused on the dudes of the bunch as we find out that they set up the lone chick in the first one. But where they psychologically scared her, they made the dudes feel uncomfortable for like an afternoon. Yeah. They need her to do the haunts with them as she went most viral or whatever and she is an attractive lady and they are all gross dudes. I thought for sure she was going to freak out and kill someone at the end and then they would reveal it was fake but that did not happen. I thought this, in part, because of this newscast that is supposed to be the last thing to happen chronologically that stays vague but says there was a huge tragedy this time around. I have no idea what that was referring to or what that possibly could have been.

To be clear, this film is much worse than the previous one which was also a Worst Movie of All Time but that one was a close call. It was directed by one Bobby Roe who plays the role of Bobby and produced by Zack Andrews who plays the role of Zack. The other three actors that roll around in the motor-home going from haunt to haunt, all playing the characters with their real first names, are Jeff Larson, Mikey Roe, and Brandy Schaefer as the chick.

No deaths so that shit is easy. Though they twice coming pretty damn close. The first is when the Blue Skeleton or whatever pumps in sleeping gas to the RV. If you are old enough to remember the Moscow theater hostage crisis from back in 2002 or the 2003 documentary Terror In Moscow, then you know that shit doesn't always end well. So yeah. Lucky to not have died here. Then there is a scene where Brandy fakes her own death by putting a gun in her mouth, it firing a blank, and then a blood pack or squib or whatever going off in the back of her head to make it look like she had blown her brains out. There was a shitty high school mystery novel I read as a child that I somehow remember vividly about a high school stage production where a murder goes down with blanks in the gun because the hot wax or whatever is in there can actually shoot out and what not. I'm just going to assume that is bullshit though as I've only heard that that one time from this book whose name I don't recall. She is still putting a lot of trust in this group that buried her alive the previous year. They could have put a real bullet in there and, boom, you've a dead chick that appears to have committed suicide. I sure as shit wouldn't have done that shit.

Yeah, that guy who eats a lot
As far as the scenes go, I'll focus on the haunts and how bad they made me want to go to some similar shit. Of the haunts they go to the coolest one looked to be the zombie escape room where they had to find a cure before getting turned. The zombie 5K also looked fucking sick and is definitely something I want to do. The haunted hayride was pretty whatever but I do love hayride even though they are traditionally weak. Though the owner jokes about burying them alive which I'm sure was hilarious for Brandy. The big zombie party in Minneapolis looked sweet too. World's largest zombie pub crawl or some such shit. They also participate in a brain taco eating contest against the great competitive eater Kobayashi. This sounds like a great way to get a prion disease and have a horrible death. Kobayashi destroys them, BTW, and they, as amateurs who can't eat for shit, spill the groceries on camera. On a related note, may have to go to there for Halloween some time.

Only line that stuck for me was something an actor at a haunted house said when trying to scare them. It was "You smell different when you are awake," which is pretty freaky. By the way, several people, just random haunt actors, talk about the haunted house network which I'm pretty sure isn't really a thing. I worked at a haunted and know someone who owns a pretty decent one. Never have I heard of this which they act like is last great American union or something.

MVP is I guess Halloween. While this movie wasn't all that great, it did inspire me to go out and do some holiday related shit (once I get time). Likely that weekend before Halloween and the days leading up as I'm taking vacation time to enjoy the holiday. Why watch this trash when you can go to a haunted house yourself though my success rate with them are one in four or so are worth a shit. Plus I didn't know how dope Minneapolis looked or how fun a zombie 5K would be before seeing this shit. So yeah, Halloween celebrations are the real MVP, yo, in this POS, the worst movie of all time.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Dead & Breakfast is the greatest movie of all time

Dead & Breakfast. Became aware of this when I was a teacher and I took a student to Walmart to pick up some shit, it was a boarding school, and my student stole this movie because he thought it looked ridiculous. When he got caught, because you can't steal DVDs because of the sensors, I vouched for the kid, saying "I brought him here and he wouldn't do that to me." The lady let us go. On the way home the kid was like, "Oh man, Coach Brew, that was great thinking! I'm going to take you with me whenever I go shoplift!" I fucking lost my mind on this kid and took his DVD and the shit CD he had stolen. I mean, I do consider it sort of a moral duty to steal from corporations like that and all but I wasn't going to tell him that. So I just held onto this shit, eventually watching this flick with the fellow teacher chick I was dating at the time. She kept eyeing it and saying stuff like "we should go to a 'dead & breakfast' sometime." It was cute and funny but she was Satan. We did eventually watch it though. Jury was split as I loved it and she thought it was trash. My sweet babe now, however, loved it. We have similar tastes in over-the-top comedy/horror though sooooooo annnywwwayy. Great dark comedy with some solid gore and a dope cast. Greatest movie of all time? I say it is.

Pros: Campy and fun. Creative use of a decapitated head. Rockabilly soundtrack is solid and pretty funny lyrically (they also keep performing after getting turned to zombies). Cast is serviceable. Extremely engaging.

Cons: Pretty low brow (not that I really mind). Has this look that is made-for-TV esque that I'm not crazy about. Kind of all over the place and has some developments that don't really go anywhere. Otherwise dope.

Gist of the ting... An incredibly rude group travelling to a friend's wedding in a Winnebago stop at a bed and breakfast for a night's rest when the proprietors are murdered in the night. They are then forced to stay in town as suspects/witnesses to the slaying which is getting pinned on this nomad Buddhist dude who bums cigarettes but never smokes them. While there, they discover that the killings were supernatural in origin and the result of opening a Tibetan version of Pandora's Box and turns most of the town, including a few of the travelers, into evil zombie versions of themselves (these are the more possessed, cognizant undead than bran-munchers). They, along with the help of the local sheriff, must survive the night locked in the B&B by fashioning together crude weapons as the hoard tries to break in and murder them.

Maybe it's just me
Directed by one Matthew Leutwyler who has done nothing else I've ever seen or heard of. It stars Ever Carradine who is sort of an Uma Thurman lookalike except more attractive (she is very pretty) who plays the role of Naomi Putnam The Handmaid's Tale but nothing else I've ever seen her in, Brent David Fraser (never seen him), Bianca Lawson who does a lot of shows on the electric TV machine that I've never seen including Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries, Jeffrey Dean Morgan who is amazing in everything whom you may remember most recently from his role of Negan from The Walking Dead, Gina Philips from Jeepers Creepers, Erik Palladino a poor man's Tony Danza who is one of those that guys if you know what I mean, Oz Perkins the son of Anthony Perkins (whom I mistakenly thought was childless and gay [he was actually bisexual] and his widow died on one of the planes on 9/11), and Jeremy Sisto from Clueless and Six Feet Under. You also get cameos from Diedrich Bader from The Drew Carey Show and a million other things, David Carradine who likely needs no introduction, and Portia de Rossi who plays Lindsay in Arrested Development and is partners with Ellen DeGeneres.

The best line, in my opinion, comes when Fraser, who plays "The Drifter", encounters this records keeper in the town hall who takes her job super seriously, staying behind to protect the records even during this whole demon possession zombie bullshit. The records keeper asks what is going down. Fraser says something like "you wouldn't believe me" and she replies with "After what I've seen tonight you could tell me an evil spirit rose up from the dead and decided to posses the entire town and I would believe you" which is funny because it is exactly what happened. Other than that there were a bunch of low-hanging, make fun of vegans quotes which I fucking love--not. Here's my response to all that shit. How do you know you're talking to a meat eater? They'll fucking tell you! Totes true.

Best scene of the movie comes early in the flick. It is when the Tony Danza looking dude gets up in the middle of the night to eat some pie during the groups first night at the B&B. He sits down there at the table and just munches away like an idiot even though there is a dead body next to him. He is just crazy unobservant basically. I can relate. Finally some comes in and freaks out and he finally notices. He gets up and tries to run but doesn't get anywhere because of all the blood on the floor. It is very Dead Alive. BTW, once JDM, who plays the sheriff, comes out and investigates the murders, he tells the bunch that they aren't going anywhere and makes them stay at the scene of the crime while he figures shit out which is insane.

Despite several heads exploding from homemade pipe shotguns, the best kill comes when Perkins's character decapitates Sisto's character, Christian. It isn't so much the kill itself as what he does to him after he kills him. What he does is take the head and put it on his hand and uses it as a puppet. This is when the movie becomes your typical home invasion movie. Perkins is sort of the zombie/demon leader and stands outside taunting the people inside by talking to the head. At one point he asks the head what it thinks. The head replies "Well... I think we should..." and then he yells "shut the fuck up!" at it. Love it when they are all disrespectful and funny like that.

MVP is Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the sheriff who wasn't on the radar at all until this movie came out. You can sort of tell he is something special in this movie and destined for stardom. He looks all cool and rugged and shit and is an excellent actor. Up until then he wasn't really in much. It wasn't long after though that his career really took off, first playing the role of John Winchester in Supernatural which was fucking dope and and then playing The Comedian in Watchmen which is still one of my favorite movies despite all the hate. Now the dude is the main bad guy, Negan, in The Walking Dead. So yeah, super famous. And this was the first place I ever saw him which came about because he, Fraser, and director Matthew Leutwyler were homies growing up originally meeting in an underage Seattle nightclub called "Skoochies" which is a fucking horrible name for a club. They remained buds through the 1990s and worked together on an even lower budget movie called Road Kill in 1999. Then comes this, the greatest movie of all time, and stardom. Boom.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Halloween: Resurrection is the worst movie of all time

Halloween: Resurrection. Trick or treat, mother fuckers! Direct sequel to Halloween H20The stuff of myth. Was it as bad as everyone says? Yeah. It was. Probably not as legendarily awful as I was led to believe. It was in no way good but it was on occasionally entertaining and technically sound. I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be campy so some of it was sort of humorous but never what I'd call funny. When looking at where the franchise has gone, from one of the greatest horror movies of all time in the original Halloween to this POS, it is easy to see all the outrage. Looking at the franchise as a whole, which I'm going to officially do after the new Halloween comes out, I'd put this at the bottom with Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Maybe below it. It is trash and is the worst movie of all time...

This was actually my first viewing of the movie. When it came out my parents tried to get me to watch it but I was pretty good with the way they ended H20and wasn't interested. I assumed, wrongly, that Myers indeed was dead and this was his ghost or whatever coming to kill folk. Sort of a Michael Myers tulpa. But no. He managed to outsmart Laurie, we see that she actually killed an EMT that Myers choked out and changed clothes with. Fucking dumb. But here I am. Finishing up the franchise. No more Halloween until the new one. Thank fuck. Thinking I'll do the universally hated Rob Zombie remakes next year. Watched that by my lonesome in grad school. Snuck into it after 3:10 to Yuma, another remake. Little secrete for ya. Actually liked it. Though I thought the second one sucked.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: The only thing this tired slasher flick may resurrect is nostalgia for when the genre was still fresh and scary.

Pros: Slightly funner than I want to admit. Decent body count but the kills are generally terrible.  Myers looks cool. Like the mask and the way he moves. That's about it.

Cons: The way they kill off the iconic Laurie Strode is offensive. So many why-is-this-happening and no-one-would-ever-do that moments. The technology aspect is insane. People at a party stopping to watch a live stream of ghost hunters at the Myers's house. The dude calling 911 convinced, rightly, that it is real. Because he is right it doesn't seem that stupid but it totally is. What else. Many of the characters are irritating. Busta Rhymes's character is pretty awful. Tyra's is the worst.

The gist, if you will... Starting in an insane asylum, Michael Myers finally kills his sister, Laurie Strode played by Jamie Lee Curtis, before going back home where a documentary film crew has set up shop and plans on doing a reality show with teams trying to find (planted) clues and spend the night for cash while their exploits are broadcast live on the internet. He comes back to the house, which we see he has been living in in this secret tunnel for the last 23 years, and is all, WTF, and does him some stand your grounding, killing a bunch of old ass and irritating college kids as well as people working on the documentary including Tyra Banks who is like co-owner of "Dangertainment" along with Busta Rhymes.

This chick
Directed by Rick Rosenthal who also directed Halloween II but pretty much nothing else that anyone has seen. Besides the three aforementioned, the movie stars the following who play the various archetypes: Bianca Kajlich as survivor girl Sara, Luke Kirby as the dark artist dude Jim, Daisy McCrackin as the I guess sort of slutty chick Donna, Thomas Ian Nicholas who is the loser Kevin in the American Pie films as hornball Bill, Katee Sackhoff as irritating blonde Jen who is sort of the clown of the bunch, Sean Patrick Thomas from Save the Last Dance as black dude Rudy, and Brad Loree as Myers. Quick fact about McCrackin, the one who gets neked and plays redheaded Donna. She and buddy/actor Joseph Capone were kidnapped out of her home by three psychopaths in 2017. Capone seemed to have gotten the worst of it as he was pistol-whipped, stripped naked, and tied up and thrown in the bathtub for 30 hours while the assailants drove McCrackin around demanding she withdraw $10,000 for them to release her friend. She ended up writing them a check, eventually, and once they dropped her off at her home, she went to the police. Capone was saved and the kidnappers caught. Here are some of the details as told by Capone if you are interested. Most of the articles sort of imply that McCrackin might have been involved, which is fucked and shite journalism.

Best line of the movie has to be "trick or treat, mother fucker" uttered by Busta Rhymes. The dialogue in this movie is pretty awful. Looking back over some of the memorable quotes, they are indeed garbage. Especially the shit that Busta Rhymes says. Three random examples include "Looking a little crispy over there, Mikey. Like some chicken-fried motherfucker. Well, may he never, ever rest in peace." after electrocuting Myers; and "Hey Mikey, happy fucking Halloween!"; and "Let the dangertainment begin up in this motherfucker!" That isn't even getting into the part where he berates Myers for like three minutes when he thinks he is his employee. Side note, I really wouldn't want to work for Busta Rhymes. Which brings me to the shit of which the berating is a part.

There is indeed a decent amount of shit in this movie. First, there is this unexplained freshmen in college duo that shows up at the beginning. They are going to a Halloween party later where one of them ends up posting up in someone's dad's office where he watches the live stream. He says his online girl friend is going to be on the show. Total catfish situation but she ends up being the survivor girl and he sends texts to her palm pilot telling her where Myers. Occasionally someone will walk into the room this kid is hunkered down in and will be like, "what the fuck are you doing?" He will say something like, "watching Dangertainment," and the person will be "cool" and then start watching said horseshit. When people start dying he is convinced it is real which is the dumbest fucking shit I have ever heard. This kid shouldn't be allowed to watch TV. There is also this infuriating scene where the camera guy is setting shit up in the Myers's House and Tyra is talking to him and what not. The camera is on and she can see everything that is going on. Except when Myers shows up and kills the guy she dances around her trailer making coffee. "What the fuck is happening?" is all I can say. Then there is the scene where Busta kung fus Myers and then shocks his balls in the final fight at the end. It was almost funny, and sort of is remembering it, but at the time I watched it, it was just infuriating.

This chick is cray
Best kill is the kid from American Pie. He was trying to get laid by the annoying crazy blonde girl who later gets decapitated in front of everyone when they think this is still a goof. She previously screamed in a crying wolf situation which is fucking cliche and fucking stupid to get everyone's attention I guess and pisses everyone off (though it doesn't come back to bite her in the end or anything) and then sort of acts like she is into American Pie dude and that she is going to show him some tit. She pulls her shirt up a little and then laughs like an idiot. American Pie dude goes to the bathroom to bitch in front of the mirror when out of nowhere Myers busts through, scaring the piss out of me, and stabbing dude. It is a legit scare.

MVP, god, IDK. Probably JLC. She is a fucking pro and all and does fine for the little she is in the movie and what she has to work with. She catches Myers in one of those snare traps that loops around your leg and hangs you upside down. So there he is swinging and what have you when she remembers that other guy she killed. She goes to rip his mask off to be sure when he grabs and stabs her. She kisses him and falls to her death. Ladies and gents, the death of Laurie Strode. The movie is a huge piece of shit but she is fine. Also, the guy that plays Myers, Brad Loree, does a pretty serviceable job. People that were not awesome include everyone else. Especially Tyra. Jesus fuck, man, is she worthless.

Overall, the movie is so bad that they had to reboot. I'd just ignore this film altogether. Even if you are a completist, you'll still better off leaving this out and treating H20 as the true ending of the film which this completely undoes, making the guy Laurie kills some dipshit EMT. And we are done with the Halloween francise until the new one comes out here in a couple of weeks and then next year when I rewatch the Rob Zombie movies.

Friday, October 5, 2018

Re-Animator is the greatest film of all time

Re-Animator. Remember seeing bits of it as a very small child but didn't know what it was for close to a decade. Remember the headless guy wearing a fake plastic head (why wouldn't he just put his real head back on if he was going to go through all the trouble?) and the scene where the body puts the head between the chick's legs to commit a sex crime. This highly disturbed me but I remembered it though had no idea what the name of the movie was. That was until 1999 when American Beauty came out and sex offender Kevin Spacey talks about that scene with another character. "Oh yeah, that's the name of that movie," I thought. Years went by before I finally watched it all the way through. That came in 2007 when I was in grad school living with a bunch of weird kids in a home like the one the two main characters share in the flick. Only it was the international house, no idea how I ended up there, and there were like eight of us. And no one was banging the Dean's daughter, at least in our house, to my knowledge. But I related to these adult students out there doing their research while on financial aid and all that. Special Edition of the movie had just been released. Bought it on a whim with money I didn't have. Needed to see that shit. Came with a glowing highlighter that looked like a syringe. Came in handy as I was in grad school and all. Humble brag. But I an awful student. Complain-a-brag. Although it disturbed me even more as an adult with that sex crime and all. But overall it was weirder and better than I expected. In fact, greatest film of all time.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Perfectly mixing humor and horror, the only thing more effective than Re-Animator's gory scares are its dry, deadpan jokes.

Pros: Totally groundbreaking in terms of gore. Jeffrey Combs is over-the-top and makes the film with his odd hilarity. Barbara Crampton is a pretty lady (unfortunately, bad sexual things happen to her). The zombies and kills are pretty solid. As are the performances. Started the whole HP Lovecraft renaissance (I don't know enough about him to say this for sure but I'm pretty sure he was an antisemite and without him we wouldn't have Scientology so maybe not such a good thing... But Cthulhu!).

Cons: Some disturbing sexual stuff. Also some animal violence.

Here's the gist... Medical student Herbert West, played expertly by Jeffrey Combs, creates a serum that reanimates dead brain tissue. His roommate, one Dan Cain played by Bruce Abbott, and his roommate's girlfriend, the daughter of the Dean, Megan played by the lovely Barbara Crampton, eventually discover that West has killed and is experimenting on Cain's dead cat, bringing it back to life. Impressed, Cain goes to the Dean with the research which gets his student loan revoked and West kicked out of school resulting in them sneaking into the morgue to bring a corpse back to life. Once the corpse kills the Dean, their medical professor, Dr. Carl Hill played by David Gale, who is jealous of West and Cain , West for his invention and Cain because he wants to bone Crampton, tries to steal the serum which gets him killed. For some reason West decides to bring Hill back which results in him immediately attacking West and creating his own undead army, resulting in some wild ass shit.

Directed by Stuart Gordon who did go on to do some other shit, most notably Castle Freak, he hasn't directed a film in over a decade, which is fucking bananas. Regardless, "creator of Re-Animator" will surely be on his tombstone, which sure as shit is nothing to be ashamed of. Loosely based on the 1922 Lovecraft novelette Herbert West–Reanimator, it was originally supposed to a theatrical stage production which all the actors rehearsed for, knowing their roles extremely well that totally shows through in their various performances, but was revised as a television pilot before getting retooled into a feature film at the last minute.

Some shit I'm not about in this movie is that cat that is dead in the fridge is a real dead cat. Way too much for my sensitive ass. I'm hopeful it died naturally and what have you. But still. No like. I love little kitties, especially my Richard Parker. West, who did the killing, is just like "what are you doing in my room" when they catch him. They are all "what the fuck, bro, you killed my cat" but don't really flip out like they should, sort of buying his story about her getting her head stuck in a jar and suffocating. I'd probably be throwing him out of the house forcibly if I were in said situation. 

Several candidates for the best line. One comes when Hill is going on about how humans are "dead" after the brain has been depleted of oxygen for 11 minutes or whatever and West is getting all pissed, which would be weird. As Hill goes on, West keeps snapping pencils, pissing Hill off and breaking his concentration every time he does it. Finally, raging, screams out, "Mr. West, I suggest you get yourself a pen!" Or when West finally kills Hill and tells Cain "I had to kill him." Cain: "He's dead?" West: "Not anymore." But my fave is when the disembodied head of Hill is talking shit to West about how he is going to win the Nobel Prize by stealing West's invention. West has two killer lines here. They are: "Who is going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow." Burn.

Best kill, for me, is not only the most gruesome, it's also the most satisfying. It's the one at the endish when the Dean, a crazed reanimated corpse himself, smashes Hill's head with his bare hands, ripping it apart at the eye sockets, and then throws it against the wall for good measure. The one with Arnold
Schwarzenegger’s real stunt double, the beast they turn in the morgue played by one Peter Kent, is also pretty solid. After he kills the Dean, Combs takes one of those surgery buzz saw things and puts it through his chest.

Best scene is not the most memorable. Most memorable you know before I even mention it. It's the one where Hill's decapitated head goes down on a screaming Crampton. It's a hard scene to watch. First, the Dean, her father, now undead, plops her onto a gurney and removes her clothing so that that could happen. Then it does and she is fucking screaming as he licks his way down from her breasts to her vagina before it finally stops. It is fucked. If you listen to the audio commentary for the movie everyone--the one I listened to featured stars Abbott, Combs, Crampton, Robert Sampson who plays the Dean, and producer Brian Yuzna. In it Sampson said that Gale "felt spiritually bereft" after the scene and expressed how awful the whole thing made him feel. His wife, however, didn't think he felt bad enough according to Yuzna who said "after the first screening she split on him" and never came home after seeing the film. That, IMO, though, is not the best scene. That would be when West, Cain, and Megan think they have the upper hand on Hill and are about to put an end to his out of control murder spree and what not when Hill reveals that he has reanimated all the corpses in the morgue and lobotomized them to better control their minds. All hell breaks loose here. Shit gets cray with gore and chaos everywhere. Easily my favorite scene in the movie. And though it is something you know is going to happen, it still comes as sort of a surprise with the way they set it up. Spoiler. But I shan't give away how it concludes which you can probably figure out.

Combs is the obvious choice for MVP though Gale gives him a run for his money. Also Crampton, like Combs, has some real horror chops and is great in this, but she is no Combs. Honestly, I think everyone is great in this as Abbott is pretty much perfect too. But it is Combs that delivers all the great one-liners and is so fucking believably weird and neurotic. Perfect creep, this guy, and has been used as such in every film he's been in ever since. Just saw him do his dog and pony show in the show Stan Against Evil which I highly recommend. It's a show about these a retired New Hampshire sheriff, played by John C. McGinley who was Dr. Cox on Scrubs, who teams up with his replacement, a lovely actress I've never seen before named Janet Varney, to battle evil in their tiny New England town. Made me love it even more that they bring in people like Combs and other guest stars from cult horror flicks. Love that guy. Also, this movie.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

The Ritual is the greatest movie of all time

The Ritual. Netflix original. Brittish film. Based on a book of the same name. Imagine it works pretty well as a book. But who the fuck has time for that. Genuinely pretty scary in a slow burn sort of way at first and then in a completely different way at the end. In more of an awed "oh shit" way at the end. So completely different levels; both work equally well in this flick. We get isolation, witchcraft, cults, a terrifying creature. Plus it's a pretty good fucked up male friendship movie. A lot like Deliverance and The Blair Witch Project with a bigger budget and better effects. Great little flick, this movie. Greatest film of all time even.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Director David Bruckner makes evocative use of the Scandinavian setting and a dedicated cast to deliver a handsome -- if familiar -- horror story.

Pros: Pretty solid tension. A lot going on but it all comes together and makes sense in the end. Does a good job of putting us there with the group by presenting various mysteries and such that we figure out with the hikers. The creature at the end is dope AF and completely original/unexpected.

Cons: I've read some pretty polarizing takes on the end. I thought it was solid minus the way they creature treats the survivor dude which I'll get to below. Have a little weirdness in there for what feels like it's own sake that they don't explain at all.

Gist of the thing... Also, since this is newer, spoilers. Four buddies (with what appears to be no hiking experience) get together for a multiple day hike in backwoods Sweden after the fifth among them, Robert (Paul Reid) was killed in a robbery gone bad. One of them, Luke played by Rafe Spall (he was the guy that got his arm broke by the worm in Prometheus and was Yann Martel in Life of Pi [shout out to my cat, Richard Parker]), was present for the killing and there are lot of bad vibes among them based on the guy not doing more, both from the group and his own guilt. Whilst on the trip they discover some unsettling shit that should have sent them right back from whence they came before spending the night in a creepy house with some obvious cult stuff going on in it. From there they are stalked by some sort of forest creature and picked off one by one until two of them, Luke and Dom played by Sam Troughton whom no idea, survive. Those two end up in a rural community that worships the creature that ends up being part Norse deity.

Staring in the film are Spall and Troughton as Luke and Dom (who is the biggest bitch I've ever seen) respectively, with Arsher Ali (who was one of the main tourists, Hassan, in Four Lions) as Phil and Robert James-Collier (who looks like a sexy Jaime Lannister that was in Downton Abbey, which I hear is popular) as Hutch rounding out the last of the group. The was directed by a seemingly up and coming director in David Bruckner who previously worked on segments for the anthology films Southbound and V/H/S and previously directed a film called SiREN which I haven't seen but is supposed to be solid.

It's a pretty good premise, this movie. I liked the way the movie flowed as you go farther and farther from where you'd think this movie would take you. At first it seems like an isolated in the woods movie. Then a cult movie. Then a Predator type movie. Then a torture porn type movie. And, finally, an insanely cool monster movie... And all of it worked. Plus the monster looks and is amazing. More on that later as it is definitely the MVP of the flick.

Best quote of the movie comes from good old worthless Dom. Early in the movie when one of the dudes wants to take a shortcut, he says "My old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'." Words to live by right there.

All the kills are more or less the same. Only difference is that in some of them we see the creature and in others we don't. Best of these, I'd say, is probably the one we see full frontal at the end when the village is burning down. Luke, having escaped and set fire to everything, including these little human avatar things in the attic that are unexplained and creepy as shit, watches it from afar. This lady bows down to worship the god, an act that usually saves them, but in this case the demigod lifts the her up with his little arms and gently impales her on a tree and we see it. All it's terrifying and awful glory.

Favorite scene of the movie is at the very end when survivor dude Luke is out in the woods with the monster. The monster, actually half Norse god, is keeps trying to force Luke to worship him which is a bit petty for a god but whatever. It keeps forcing him down on his hands and knees but Luke keeps getting up and fighting it which is pretty much suicidal. This keeps happening until Luke gets a weapon, an ax, and attacks the thing, pissing it off. But it buys him enough time to separate himself from the god and gets to the outskirt of the forest which the god cannot cross into. Luke, triumphant after just besting a fucking god, is fucking amped. Screaming at it all like fuck yeah. After all the shit he has been through it is pretty satisfying, intense scene.

MVP is 100%, as stated, the monster which is not a monster at all but the child of Norse mythological's Loki. First decent look we get at the thing is when the insufferable Dom is tied up, on a stake as an offering to the demigod, and he has a vision that his wife has come up to the camp looking for him. He is all, "what the hell" and she is sweet to him and stuff. But then, suddenly, it's not the wife but this truly horrifying thing (we don't get 100% clean shot here yet). And it does the thing and that's the end of Dom. It is creepy as shit, Dom is tied up on the little stake thing, thinking he is fucked with all the village people down in a prayer type position. He is simultaneously incredulous and terrified when suddenly his wife shows up. He relaxes and is like, "what are you doing here?" She grabs his face and acts sort of sweet to him when he sees that this is actually the monster or whatever and starts screaming. It is fucked and terrifying. It then picks him up and kills him. Picking him up and impaling him on a tree. And we still don't know what the fuck.

If you want a solid explanation of the mythology behind the demigod, this Forbes article is pretty thorough. Below is probably the most pertinent section:  
Characters in Norse mythology tend to shapeshift with alarming frequency, and the only defining trait of the jötunn seems to be that they are enemies of the gods. But not always. 
Either way, the beast is also described as the spawn of Loki, which is interesting in itself, as the Loki in Norse mythology is way more intense than Tom Hiddleston. The real Loki is completely chaotic - a malicious, mischievous, shape-shifting trickster who sometimes plays the hero, often the villain, and usually, is just messing with the nature of reality. 
Loki fathered a menagerie of nightmarish creatures - his children include Fenrir, the monstrous wolf that is destined to devour Odin during the apocalyptic battle of Ragnarok, Hel, the half-rotting goddess of the Underworld, and Jormungand, the Midgard Serpent, which is long enough to wrap itself around the world and bite its own tail.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later is the greatest movie of all time

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. Saw it in the theater with my old man and my bro back in 1998. Sophomore year of high school. Thought it was weird shit back then. Didn't know it was retconned and what have you. Confused the shit out of all of us at the time. They shitcan the whole Man in Black/Mark of Thorn bullshit from Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers and Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers which was obviously not working. Also, everything that happened in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. So all of the Jamie Lloyd stuff gets ignored. In Halloween 4 it is glossed over that Jamie Lee Curtis's character, Laurie Strode, died in a car accident. The movies that H20 follows are the original John Carpenter's Halloween and Halloween II. It is in that universe. I sort of picked up on this back then but during the opening credits we see a newspaper clipping with a headline that explains that she was indeed killed in a car accident. What the fuck? Later, when we see that she is alive, she explains that she faked her death. This shit pissed me off back then. Is it in this universe or isn't it? It obviously isn't if it ignores the Cult of Thorn shit and doesn't mention Jamie, but why make it more complicated? None of this was very clear back in the day. Now, however, knowing that whats what, I took the film as it is and other than taking a while to get going and some truly awful and grossly unnecessary CGI which is fucking mind blowing, they CGI the mask for god's sake, this one is pretty solid. Unbelievable. But solid. In fact, greatest movie of all time.

Michelle Williams... Attractive lady.
Also, I should mention that the upcoming Danny McBride written, David Gordon Green directed, Blumhouse produced Halloween movie, watch the trailers here and here, which looks okay but also sort of dumb, retcons the franchise as well. This one, however, ignores everything past the original. So basically another attempt at this movie only ignoring everything from the point when Myers disappears after getting shot six times in the original up to this new one. We'll see if it's a shit show or not in a couple of weeks. Early reports have it being pretty solid so I've got hope.

Rotten Tomato Consensus: Halloween: H2O is the best of the many sequels, yet still pales in comparison to the original Halloween.

WTF is this shit?
Pros: Opening is pretty dope. The ending is sort of amazing. Michelle Williams. Found her so attractive when I originally watched this. She holds up. Once it finally gets going, for that last 20 minutes or so, the movie is pretty great. This is basically when JLC goes back into the school with an ax to the very, very end.

Cons: LL Cool J's character is extremely irritating with his romance novelist ambitions for no reason. Takes too long to get going. After the opening scene kills, nothing really happens until the end. Unlike the original where it builds and Myers is lurking, it's more he just isn't there a lot. CGI mask.

Quick note on my Halloween watching/commentary. I have, since the last piece of shit Halloween movie I watched, discovered this dope podcast doing the same thing as yours truly. It's called Halloweenies and is part of the Consequence of Sound Podcast Network. Discovered it after being a semiregular listener of The Losers Club which is a Stephen King podcast. They are both great. Trying not to rip off any of their stuff from their humorous observations but I'm thinking there is a little bit of overlap. Like with our takes on the ending. But check out that shit if you are into any of those shits.

I owned that shit back in the day
Anyway... The gist of the thing goes thus... 20 years after Laurie Strode, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, was attacked by her homicidal brother, Michael Myers, she comes face to face with "The Shape" again who has tracked her down from Haddonfield, Illinois to a California boarding school where she is the head mistress after having faked her death to protect herself and her son, played by Josh Hartnett.

Also in flick are Adam Arkin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL), Adam Hann-Byrd, LL Cool J, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, JLC's mother Janet Leigh from Pyscho has a couple nice little cameos, and Michelle Williams. Directed by Steve Miner, who started his career off hot with Friday the 13th Part 2 which is probably my favorite of the franchise and Friday the 13th Part III which is also super solid before doing the underrated film House about a writer whose child goes missing at his aunt's haunted home that he then inherits and moves into (I'm going to have to rewatch this soon), before what should have (and sort of did) killed his career with 1985's Soul Man about a Brett Kavanaugh type who dresses in blackface to pose as a black dude to achieve his dream of attending Harvard with a full scholarship. It didn't exactly age well. Anyway, Miner thought the previous three Halloween movies were trash, saying as much, and didn't watch them. So with his background he more or less decided to make a Jason Goes to Boarding School movie.

Jesus fuck, bro
There is some shit. Like how the movie takes for fucking ever to get going. There are the kills in the beginning and then it turns into a shitty slasher at a boarding school where no one dies and the killer is halfway across the country. He doesn't even get to the area until about the halfway mark. Then it still takes a while for him to get in and what not. Which brings me to some more shit. Every second LL is on screen, reading his old lady garbage from the romance novel he is writing instead of doing his job the top priority of which is protecting the kids from homicidal killers. And finally the movie riding out to the soundtrack of Creed is borderline offensive. Jesus fucking Christ. Wow, Creed sure does suck.

Young JGL
Now for some good shit. There are three really good contenders for best scene. For me, they totally made the movie worth watching. They were the opening, a scene where Michael goes into a restroom at an isolated rest area on the highway and reaches under a stall and steals a woman's purse to get her keys while her small child hums while she takes a shit or whatever, and the final 20 minutes of the movie which bleeds into my pick for MVP. The opening is a pretty solid attention grabber. Starts the way II ended, with "Mr. Sandman" playing over the credits. From there it reintroduces the pertinent characters from that flick that we need for the current film (basically Marion who was Loomis's nurse and Laurie Strode), and kills off one of the biggest stars in the movie in JGL who takes a hockey skate to the face, off screen, as well as Marion who gets her throat slit as Haddonfield's finest search the house next door, long story. It's in this opening scene that we get the best line of the movie. In that scene, one these two hockey punks, the one that is not JGL, asks Marion, "Hasn't anyone ever told you that second-hand smoke kills?" and Marion says, "Yeah, but they're all dead." That was pretty much how I felt when I was a smoker... But now that I'm not and am like many years removed from it... Yeah.

The next great scene, the aforementioned rest area one, is creepy as shit. Definitely the closest the movie gets to real horror. The woman and her daughter are in an isolated area. Women's restroom is locked so they go in the men's room. Light doesn't work. Open it by wedging it with a rock. That works for a minute and then the door slams shut. The little girl is nervous but the mom tells her to chill at which point a hand reaches under the stall and snatches her person. It happens out of nowhere and is a fucked up situation with some potentially sexual stuff that could go down which makes it even more terrifying. Fuck. Anyway. But the best scene is the ending which brings me to the MVP, obviously JLC.

MVP is hands down JLC. It was crazy that she was coming back. I remember being stoked and surprised by that. And she fucking rocks it in that last 20 minutes. Prior to that not so much, I feel she isn't the same character as she was in the first two movies like at all. Don't really think she's the same Laurie Strode at the end either but it's all pretty compelling nonetheless. (Little aside here, hoping this is the thing they really focus on for the new movie: having Laurie feel like the same battered victim that indeed has been through some shit). It's basically when the film turns from complete shit to a solid fucking sequel. It happens suddenly after Laurie has lost her boyfriend, played by Arkin, and has just saved her son and Michelle Williams. She sends them off and shuts the gate so that it is just her and Myers on the grounds. She then gets herself an ax and goes into the darkness, looking to settle this shit with her brother once and for all. It is a powerful scene and then they get it on. Everyone in the theater lost their shit here and at the very end when Myers is finally got, once and for all.

So, yeah, saved the best kill for the the end here as the conclusion of the film also features the best kill as it is Laurie killing Myers himself. How they kill him is fucking ridiculous. He is stabbed many times, thrown off a balcony, thrown through a windshield, rammed by a van, crushed between a tree and said van after it rolls down a cliff, and finally decapitated with an ax. Hell of a way to go. No coming back from that. But wait, he must as there is one more shitty sequel. Have never watched it as I always considered this the true ending of the franchise. Now is the time though which is exciting considering that this is called one of the worst horror sequels of all time. So look forward to that shit show.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is the worst movie of all time

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. Yeah. Not good. Sixth movie of the franchise. Fifth one to feature Michael Myers as the killer. If you remember Halloween III: Season of the Witch you know those aren't the same things. First, and only one, to star Paul Rudd. Would have been the third one to feature Danielle Harris but it wasn't meant to be because the Weinsteins are the worst. This is a long and depressing story though I mean probably a blessing in disguise because, yeah, this movie is trash. Mayhap more so than Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Going to revisit that eventually. I'll have to think about it. There is also a bootlegged producer's cut floating around out there--fuck it, right?--that I haven't gotten my hands on yet. It's supposed to be better and make a little more sense though I can't imagine it being great or anything. But, yeah, keep in mind, worst movie of all time, this one.

How they do 'em dirty at Miramax
Anyways, back to Harris getting shafted. By the by, gleaned all this info from this We Minored in Film article which has some other interesting factoids if you click on it. The short version is that Harris was buddies with producer Moustapha Akkad's kids. She would ask about when the next Halloween flick was going to get made a lot with Akkad keeping her informed and what not. But he partnered with Miramax who wanted to instead use a look-a-like who was over 18 because the Weinstein bros didn't want to fuck with child labor laws (all news to Harris). They ended up telling Harris that she'd have to emancipate herself from her parents to get the role. Once she did that, which apparently proved pretty costly, she got the script which pretty much sucked though it did have her make through most of the movie before getting killed off at the end as opposed to the version we get where she dies in the first 10 minutes. So the studio saw her as nonessential and offered her hardly anything which didn't cover the cost of emancipating herself. When she asked for more money, looking to at least cover the court fees and shit, the studio just offered the role to someone else, not even countering. This was supposedly all Miramax's doing with Akkad fighting for the young star. Though I'm not exactly sure "fighting" is really all that believable considering his track record.

Pros: Some decent kills. Hey, Paul Rudd. Attempts to make sense of what was going on before, though why?

Haters gonna hate
Cons: Stale AF. The nonsense metal version of the main theme that opens the film. Also the metal version of the "dun... dun dun... dun" theme. Donald Pleasance is clearly knocking on death's door, which is difficult to watch. The plot is confusing. Some uncomfortable domestic violence action. Creepy, dumb child which I hate 100% of the time. The whole Mark of Thorn underground cult thing is dumb. Lot of confusing bullshit. Do the Jamie character dirty (this was the Danielle Harris character in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5). The Weinstein bros apparently told the lead actress, the one who plays the Strode woman, one Marianne Hagan, that she wasn't very pretty, was too thin, and had a little chin that they didn't like and she'd never be a star. Just mentioning that they were huge POS way before the shit that they did sparked the whole #MeToo movement. Myers looks ridiculous. Hair and mask are stupid. Hair is clown-esque. Movement is off. So is body-type. Looks like he runs a little at some points too.

Some sad Weinstein shit with this one
Here's the gist... Jamie Lloyd, played by one J.C. Brandy in this film, niece of notorious serial murderer Michael Myers, now a young woman, gives birth to a baby boy which Michael is also the father. This is in some weird hospital run by this Cult of Thorn group that created Michael and are trying to create his replacement or something. It's not super clear since Myers also wants to kill the kid. I have no idea why the baby, basically. Jamie escapes and flees with her baby to the Haddonfield, IL area with excellent driver Myers in pursuit. Once she gets a bit of distance between them, Jamie calls a douche bag radio show host from a pay phone wanting Loomis, played by Pleasance, which gets him and the character Tommy Doyle who was the kid that Laurie Strode babysat in the original Halloween, this time played by Ant-Man himself Paul Rudd, on the lookout for Jamie, her baby, and Michael. Eventually she ditches the baby at a bus stop before Michael catches up to her and kills her gruesomely by impaling her on some farm equipment that he turns on, ripping her apart. Michael, now, is on the loose, headed back to his old crib to kill everyone there while also looking for his nephew/son and killing the Cult of Thorn folk because fuck it. There is also this side story with this Kara Strode woman, played by Hagan, who lives in the Myers house with her abusive father, abused mother, brother, and son that may be possessed or cursed or something. Sure, it's a common problem. She ends up getting swept up by all this shit as the Cult of Thorn kidnaps her and her son and the baby and Rudd and Loomis and what the fuck.

Alice in Chains Dirt girl and known Scientologist
Favorite line of the movie is more of an exchange. It's between Kara Strode's bro and his girl friend, Beth, who at times looks just like Jennifer Jason Leigh. It goes thus:
Beth: Your sister would kill us if she knew we did it in her bed.
Tim Strode: Hey, it was your idea.
Beth: I am bad, aren't I?
Tim Strode: Only when you wear crotchless panties and bark like a dog.
(Tim gets up)
Beth: Where are you going?
Tim Strode: I gotta take a shower. You know, to stay fresh.
Beth: Watch out for the bogeyman.
Fun facts about Mariah O'Brien, the actress who plays the girl friend. She was the model on the cover of the Alice in Chains album Dirt. She also went to jail for running a ponzi scheme where she ripped off fellow Scientologists. She is one of those and reached the level of "Clear" which is indeed some bullshit. She was married to Giovanni Ribisi, another more famous douche bag Scientologist, back in the day as well. Might be time to remind people that Scientology makes me irrationally angry.

Lot of halfway decent and generally satisfying kills in this piece of crap. Jamie's death was pretty gnarly. The nurse at the beginning, now a big Trump supporter, gets her head impaled on a spike. Myers goes on a rampage at the end, too. More on that later. But the one that really stuck out was the Strode dad. Not only is he an abusive asshole who beats his wife and daughter, he's also a liar that puts his family in jeopardy by moving them into the Myers house and not telling them which is just insane. He shouldn't be that surprised when Myers shows up to kill him but he is. Anyway, the way he gets it is that he first gets stabbed in the gut. Then he gets carried over to the electrical box. Then Myers stabs the box with Strode daddy still impaled. This electrocutes him. Unexpectedly, his head explodes which was unexpected, shocking, and super cool. Easily the best kill, maybe in the series.

Pleasance, picture of health
And now for some shit... Just a note, limiting it to three instances as I ain't got all night. When we first see Loomis he looks rough AF. Way older than his 75 years. Has a drink with his old friend from Smith's Grove Dr. Wynn. Should have a toast with a vitamin and a glass of water. The shit with this scene though is that he acts all like, "oh, if it isn't my old friend Dr. Wynn" like we are supposed to know who the fuck this guy is. Wynn, it turns out, was a doctor that Loomis was seen with briefly in the original. It's a pretty deep cut that no one would ever in a million years remember. Some more shit is every second that this radio host speaks or is on the screen. He is like a true crime shock jock or something. Whilst interviewing Beth and Tim he gets all worked up by Beth and acts disgusting, saying to Tim, "Does she get this riled up in bed? I bet she wears crotchless panties and barks like a dog." Beth lets it drop that Tim lives in the Myers house. He has no idea even though like everyone else in the town fucking knows. The radio guy is like, "everybody head to this guy's house!" but no one does. He goes to his van to move the party there but he calls Myers a pussy and dies like 5-seconds later even though Myers was just killing the dad, the dope head exploding kill, in the previous scene. A minute later we get this cringeworthy bit where this little girl under a tree has his blood dripping down on her. She says "Mommy, it's raining red" and then the dude falls from the tree. Ok. Why? Have to ask that a lot in this one. Lastly, what the fuck are they doing with this possessed child? Not the baby but this Kara chick's son. In the scene where Beth and Tim get murdered, Kara watches from Tommy's room, saying shit like, "oh my god," when all the sudden she sees her son crossing the street and going over to the murder house. WTF is this kid doing? They imply that he is possessed or something but they don't really go anywhere with any of this. When Kara goes over to retrieve him, he is just sitting there, staring off like an idiot. Kara is like, "whatcha doin?" and sends him off. There is a killer in the house who is chasing Kara and all. But she surprise attacks him, hitting him with a fire poker that sends him tumbling down the steps. He is just laying there and you think the kid is long gone but he comes back here at the most inopportune time and stands there right next to this maniac. What they are you doing? Most the other times he is on the screen he is yelling shit like "Mom. Mommy. Mom." So forth. God I hate children. 

Favorite scene is more or less the whole bit in the hospital at the end with everyone (Loomis, Kara, Rudd, the kid, the baby, so forth) stuck in this hospital with the Cult of Thorn and Myers and other insane people. First, there are a lot of satisfying kills in this sequence. Like when he goes into the Cult of Thorn ritual where they are god only knows what with the baby in the OR and just massacres everyone. Not sure how he got to the hospital or if they like wanted him there or what but it's a solid 30 seconds of pure chaos and like 15 kills, including Dr. Wynn. It seems at the beginning of the movie and here that they just let Myers roam around the hospital and kill patients whenever he gets the urge. Unclear what his day to day is like exactly. Also, it is implied that they were cloning Myers babies or something when we see a bunch of dead babies in vats and shit. Not sure what is happening there. Anywho, after he kills all the folks, then it is time to do whatever with the baby but Rudd, Loomis, Kara, the kid, and the baby are out of there. The chase is pretty great with Rudd and them locking a cell door behind them which gets a Cult of Thorn doctor killed when Myers grabs him and pushes his head through the bars until the door pops off the hinges. He eventually catches up to the fleeing group. The way I remembered the franchise was that Myers started teleporting around at some point in the series but I guess not. It's clearer here that he just knows every shortcut and is really good at using it. Screwed, Rudd seemingly gives Myers the baby. What is Myers planning to do with it exactly? Raise it as a single dad? We don't get to find out because it wasn't a baby, surprise to no one, but ends up being a bunch of syringes filled with green shit. Wait, what? Rudd stabs him with the needles and shoots him up with said green shit and eventually beats him to death with a pipe until the green shit comes out his eyes. Um, okay. That is how they end Myers in this one. But it's not over as Myers can't die. Ever. He is Akkad's money maker. So they leave. Loomis is all like "you kids go, I'll be alright." But he's not. Myers ain't fucking dead and we hear Loomis die over the end credits. And that was the best scene.

And finally, Paul Rudd is the obvious MVP of the film. Even though the movie is trash and his role isn't anything special, it's hard to take your eyes off that guy. I originally saw this after Clueless way back in the day so I knew his face. Maybe that was why but I swear that you can sort of tell that that dude was going to be a star. While this film isn't exactly something he was proud of, it is what got him started and he now looks back on it with some amusement. Here is what he had to say about in an interview that came out after he was an Avenger:
When I first saw Halloween 6, I remember thinking, Oh God, this movie’s not good, and I was really kind of bummed out. In fact when we first started making it, I remember thinking, Oh, this is the one that’s going to be different! [laughs] I enjoyed making it; I thought it was really, really fun. But then I thought, Oh God, are people going to think I’m a joke? Am I ever going to get work as an actor after this comes out? I have since changed my tune; I love it. I’m honored to be part of a franchise that has lasted that long, that has that many devotees, and I couldn’t be happier that I can say that my first movie is a Halloween movie. 
Regardless of how he feels now, you can totally see that he is totally swinging for fences and he connects more than he doesn't. Without his charm, I'd say the movie is more or less unwatchable. But damn is that dude charismatic. And that is Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers the worst movie of all time.